You Are Not In Love With The Man, You Are In Love WIth The Stability.

You don’t want the man.
You want the stability.
 
Over and over again,
I witness this very scenario.
Living in Dallas,
I hear often about all the gold diggers and how it is such a “thing” here. But, it is not just a Dallas thing.
It just is the facts.
 
Many years ago, I dated a man from Germany and I recall on one of our first dates him sharing about some of the women he had, had a first time meeting with or corrisponded with over email. He told me how their main concerns and questions were:
 
👉Who do you work for and what do you do with them?
👉How much do you make?
👉What kind of car do you drive?
👉Where do you live? ( in other words what part of town are you in so I can figure out if its affluent enough).
 
He wanted to find love.
he wanted to find a partner.
And he felt like in order to do this he needed to show his resume.
 
So he bought a BMW sports car.
He moved into a prime location and got a fancy apartment on the 19th floor over looking the city scape.
He already had the great job and made multi-six figures.
So he was set.
 
And in turn as he dated he found that there was no depth to the women. There was no love. There was no truth in how they felt about him.
 
They were attracted to his lifestyle.
They were attracted to the stability.
They were attracted to him being the perfect guy to bring home to mom and dad.
They were attracted to everything that he could provide.
 
But they were NOT attracted to the man.
 
SInce then, I have worked with many men and women who have gotten married based on this very line up.
The woman was attracted to the stability and what the man could provide,
the man was attracted to her beauty and that he had scored the woman of his dreams, the woman out of his league. He was tired of being lonely and alone, he wanted to have that life partner, he wanted to have all that the relationship could provide and how she was making him feel like a king.
 
And so they said, “I DO.”
 
Years pass and life happens.
Children, work, health, stress.
And the relationship built on the above struggles for life because it was not based in love.
It was based on the desire of a need getting met.
 
When we get caught up in relationship that is based on desire for needs to be met or out of fear of running out of time, or not believing our good fortune so we commit prematurely to someone that we don’t know truly but fits a certain idea of what we “think” is ideal, but we do not truly have a desire for the person and who they are as a person.
 
Often we might find ourselves in thes emoments thinking:
 
“Oh, that part of them can be cahnged.”
“Or I need to say yes to this because of….”
“They are so sweet, so great, I don’t have to be attracted to them actually, they have all of this going on and thats more important.”
“But they treat me so wonderful, it’s okay that I am not that into them.”
“Better something then nothing and this is not a bad something.”
 
Then we are settling for a relationship based on a current idea of needs and fear not on a relationship that can withstand time based in love of who the person is and how they are in life.
 
We are settling for the desire of our needs in current vs our desire for the person.
 
If we do not have that spark,
that chemistry..
and if it is not on both sides,
then it will not last time.
 
Our desire for the person can ebb and flow over the course of the life of the relationship.
But if you get with someone because of what they can provide you with and not because of who they are and how you adore them as a person,
then know that your relationship is built on shifting sands.
Because our needs change over time.
And if you are not into your partner,
then you will not be able to surf these sands of change.
There will be no connecting strings to hold you together.
Instead you will find yourself in quick sand caused by years of not wanting the person but settling for the lifestyle provided.
 
 
And this comfort of all that you have,
WILL become VERY uncomfortable.
 
So much so,
change will be birthed from it.
 
Choose the man that you want for the man that he is TODAY,
not for what his resume in life says, or the money in his bank, or who you think he can become with you at his side.
 
Choose the woman that is real with you,
let’s you see her without all the makeup, the illusions and masks, wait for her to reveal herself over time, and do not grow hasty in catching what you feel you do not qualify for.
 
Time is a mirror that reveals all.
 
Pause before the “I DO.”
And know the person you are looking at.
 
As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Connect with me on dating, relationship and creating the love you desire today. Message me for 1:1 opportunities.
Stuck in a reelationship based on a resume?
There is hope. Let’s talk.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *