Let’s Take the Shame Out of Masturbation

womanmasturabtionOf all of the forms of sex, masturbation gets an unusually bad rap.

From the time we hit puberty, we, especially boys, hear all kinds of derogatory messages about masturbation. We get the message that masturbation is for guys who can’t get a girl. Some of the worst insults is to call a boy (or a man) a jerk-off, a jack-off or a wanker. As kids, many of us have been told by parents and grandparents that masturbation is wrong, will make you go blind, or grow hair on your palms. As kids, how many people have ever been told that masturbation is a good and healthy form of sexual expression?

On the other hand, girls, especially when I was growing up in a conservative, upper-middle class community in the mid-‘70’s to early ‘80’s, were taught that “good girls don’t” about anything pertaining to sex. I got that message loud and clear from my parents, the way I heard other adults talked, and from my peers.

And God help those kids (and adults) that are influenced by extreme religious beliefs and interpretations.

This past February, Brigham Young University-Idaho released a video as a weapon against porn and masturbation to its students. The photography, music and the narration by BYU-Idaho President Kim B. Clark is quite a slick piece of propaganda. He uses loaded words like “lonely”, “confused” and “spiritually wounded”. Worse yet, he urges students to reach out to rescue fellow students left wounded by the enemy on the battlefield. He makes it sound as if prying into people’s private business and ratting them out is some kind of heroic deed.

It’s not just a Mormon thing. I’ve heard and read the same kinds masturbation demonizing from Catholics, Orthodox Jews, fundamentalist Christians and Muslims.

Being exposed to messages like this before kids are ready to be sexually active explains why so many adults turn out to be sexually clueless and inhibited. There’s no need for this kind of shame.

As adults there are two things we can do to get over our hang ups about masturbation – 1. realize that almost everybody does it, and 2. employ some critical thinking when it comes to making judgments about masturbation.

The human mind and body were designed to enjoy sex. Masturbation is a form of sex. Even if we have a sex partner, we don’t have 24/7 on-demand access to sex. Sometimes masturbation isn’t purely sexual. It’s a great mental and physical de-streser. It makes us happier, more productive, mentally sharp, and makes us sleep better.

And what shame and guilt is there in feeling good? Masturbation is one of many things we can do for ourselves that make us happy like watch a movie, listen to music, run, golf or climb mountains.

Masturbation also helps us be better lovers. How are we supposed to tell our lovers what we like if we don’t experiment with ourselves?

I’d love if it was okay to talk about masturbation and sex in positive and judgment-free ways. We’d learn so much from each other if we could openly talk about which techniques, sex toys or lubes to use the same way we talk about the best way to make macaroni and cheese or which car wax works best.

As far as what makes the best macaroni and cheese, you gotta use a bit of Gruyere for flavor and a good melt. I’m clueless about car wax, but I’m sure someone else can make a recommendation.

Article by Bobbie Morgan on A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind

Do You Have Gratitude For Your Sex? by Nikki Lundberg

The World English Dictionary defines gratitude as “a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for a gift or favors”.

Yes, gratitude is a feeling, but in my understanding it is so much more.  Gratitude can be an action and an attitude as well.  Now apply this to your sex.  Take a moment, a deep breath, and check in with your gut and your genitals.  When I do this I feel a sense of expansion in my pelvic region.

What do you feel? 

ball and chain of shameNow, reflect on your attitude toward your sex.  I have felt different ways about my sex at different times in my life.  Now is a time for noticing and not judging.  For most of my life and even sometimes nowadays I have not been grateful for my sex.  My desires don’t fit with what I’ve been trained to believe is good and acceptable.  There have been times that my appetite for sex and variety made me feel ashamed.  I’ve gotten very frustrated with myself for not being “normal”.  I’ve resented myself for a seeming inability to be satisfied with “normal”.  I’ve ignored my sex and tried to forget about it so I could be more “normal”.  I’ve settled for lackluster experiences so I wouldn’t hurt my partner.  I’ve compromised what was true for me so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the sometimes hard work of getting what I really want.  I’ve felt ashamed for using my sex to manipulate people.  I’ve been self conscious of the way my pussy looked or smelled and of how close it was to my anal area.

How has your attitude toward your sex and sexuality been? 

sex on the brainThink about your actions toward your sex.  My actions have not always shown my gratitude for my sex.  I’ve masturbated hard, even violently, to get it over and done with.  I’ve accepted touch from lovers that didn’t feel good – sometimes even hurt – and done nothing about it.

What have your actions toward your sex been?

5 Ways To Develop Gratitude For Your Sex

My path has been more extreme than some so I will share some of the principles and steps that I have integrated and taken along my journey to being grateful for my sex and sexuality.

  1. Willingness to have a better experience – Without the willingness to experiment and go through the experiences I never would have moved forward with my sexuality.
  2. Developing my relationship with my Higher Power – We have our own definitions of God.  Whether you subscribe to someone else’s definition or have developed your own, find a way to make your sex and sexuality right.
  3. Self reflection – looking inside myself and finding out how I felt about things.  Then, I look at the feeling and see where it’s from – it it’s really from within me or if it is something I feel because I think I should.  Getting honest with myself about what is okay with me and what is not.
  4. Sharing with others in a conscious way – There is a difference between doing something consciously vs. unconsciously.  For much of my life I was unconscious about my sex and when I did wake up about it a little bit I would quickly push it down so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  I didn’t know how to deal with it.  Now I know that by sharing – verbally, in writing and in person – while staying consciously aware of myself – my feelings, my actions and reactions – I love my sex more and more all the time and part of that love is feeling gratitude.
  5. Experimentation And Education – The more I know the more I know I don’t know.  The learning can go on for infinity just like the expansion of pleasure.  The two – learning and expanding pleasure – also go hand in hand.  The more you know about your sex the more you will be able to enjoy it.

 

READ Original Article Post at Nikki Lundberg

Nikki is is an expert in the field of sex education for adults based out out of Las Vegas NV.