I would do anything for love!
But, I won’t do THAT.
Just like the song,
so our relationships unwind.
We have these THINGS in relationship that we refuse to do,
and some with good reason,
some because they are personal boundaries,
some because it is totally self-sacrificial to do and will only create far worse repercussions than saying, “No.”
Relationships are most certainly not about one partner always caving to the other.
It is not about always getting what you want.
Relationships are not about even making you feel happy, safe or comfortable.
Love just an FYI, is not about comfort.
Or getting what we want.
It is about getting what we need.
And when we think about what we need,
it is not that we “need” the other person to act, do, be some specific way for us.
No the “need” that relationship provides, is the support for us to expand and grow into who we truly are as souls.
Therefore, often us getting what we need will feel like a challenge in the relationship.
It will feel uncomfortable.
It will feel testing, scary even and we will feel pushed to breathe into events and moments with our partner.
We will be asked to face our internal structures and inquire,
“Is this true?”
Is this really how I feel or am I living according to societal structures that have been put on me?
Am I leaning into my fear right now? or am I truly coming from my truth?
Love is testing.
Love will require us to have courage.
To have blind faith.
To open the door to trust.
And to evolve our beliefs.
So often though, we address love differently.
We tell our beloveds that we are:
👉Unconditional in our love – when in fact it is built on conditions.
👉That we would do “ANYTHING” for them – when in fact that means anything within my comfort box only, ask me to push myself a little into uncharted waters, well forget about that, I won’t do it.
👉That we want for their happiness no matter the cost – when in fact we require that happiness to fit into the picture that we have painted instead of holding space for what our partner actually needs
👉That we want them to grow, to be empowered, feel safe – when in fact yet again we only want this IF it is how we perceive that to be, NOT PUSHING US OUT OF COMFORT.
👉That we want to support them, help them achieve their dreams and become so much – when in fact even though that sounds great and groovy, we are not willing or understanding that if our partner chooses to grow and be all that, that it will require us as well to step in and do the same if we desire to keep the relationship. If one partner grows and the other does not, then the relationship WILL end.
👉That we want them to heal – I love this one. Over almost two decades I have sat with thousands of couples who proclaim how they desire their partner to heal. How they just want the best life for them, for them to not live in the emotional/psychological and event physical pain/trauma anymore. But when faced with the road it will require to get their partner there, they instead choose to shame, guilt, even abandon and divorce. Proclaiming that they can’t do that. They cannot support that sort of healing and there has to be some other way.
Many years ago,
I had a lovely couple come to me.
I will never forget their consultation…
The man sat there,
so wild eyed and excited about the possibilities that laid before them as a couple.
He spoke of his desire to support his wife to become empowered,
to tap into her feminine energy again as their polarities were out of whack and she was more the man then he,
he excitedly shared how he wanted deep intimacy with her,
how he wanted to have connective sex again,
and have her into it.
He wanted her to have less stress in life and with family and that he wanted the opportunity to support her here as well,
he wanted her to have passion for life,
purpose in something she loved,
and of course he wanted her to be the sexual goddess that he knew was in there.
They signed up for my couple’s coaching and so the process began to “fix” his wife….lol
No such thing as fixing your partner people.
There is only unveiling and that is something only they can do for themselves.
The coaching process is about offering tools and guidance to achieve and support someone in their efforts to rebirth themselves.
Anyway, they became my clients and we started doing the deep awakening work to help them and her get the results that they wanted.
Fast forward 18 months,
I met with the couple and she was now glowing, radiant and happy, laughing and so full of life.
Where once I looked into eyes that were lost, empty and on the cusp of death of soul, with no ability to answer clearly anything or speak her truth,
now sat a woman on fire for life.
I looked at him,
He was still bubbly and happy in appearance.
He was still supporting her,
but he too was different.
He had, had an awakening of his own.
and was still in his desire to assist his beloved to heal and grow,
to come out of her shell, ‘to see her own worth and radiate the beauty that she had,
that he had to take on the mission to become the man that could hold that space for her.
Meaning he had to rebirth himself as well.
He had to face his inner demons head on,
and get real with the fact that he was not good often with what it was being required of him and them to get her to where she was going.
I watched this couple struggle for three years with this birthing process.
They came close a few times to divorce and throwing the towel in.
He weeped to me in session repeatedly about how he just could not support what she was doing.
He swore that it was not okay.
That if she loved him, that she would stop doing these things to him.
And yet, he saw her more radiant than ever before.
He saw her thriving.
But her thriving, (well what it took to get her there) went against almost EVERY cellular belief structure that this man had about life, relationship, marriage, men, women, love,and healing.
Now this couple is a success story,
he stuck it out.
She stuck it out.
They pushed through and each expanded, grew as individuals and challenged themselves to reprogram the beliefs that were holding them back in so many areas.
And today when I check up on them a decade or so later they are deeply in love, happy, connected and have gotten there because they chose LOVE.
They chose each other and they chose to not get stuck in the quicksand of old habits, fears and societal beliefs.
That being said,
This is not the case for most relationships proclaiming that they would do anything for love.
Most relationships are like the Meatloaf song.
They will do anything for love, but they won’t do THAT.
THAT thing that the song speaks of is different for all,
yet the same.
THAT is fear.
THAT is ego.
THAT is getting out of the box of comfort.
THAT is letting go of the concept that controlling our beloveds actions through our fear and not opening up to the possibilities of “What if, or maybe…”
Yes most relationships,
won’t do THAT.
Instead they will finger point,
blame and guilt, shame and play victim.
They will turn things around and say,
“But if YOU loved me then you would not need to do/be/act that way.”
They refuse to let go of past,
they refuse to compromise,
they refuse to just love their partner and trust in them,
and in God/Universe.
Most relationships opt for supporting old patterns of sabotage and trauma.
Supporting their triggers around abandonment,
around need instead of love.
And they try to force their beloveds hand, heart and life back into that comfortable little box that feels so good.
The logical mind in these moments support with tons of evidence as to why you want to keep that box,
it tells us why the growth,
The change is so dangerous.
And so the mission of saving self,
saving themselves from a feeling of discomfort,
turns into war with partner,
guilting and often separation.
My question to you today sweet reader,
is if you would do anything for love,
and you fear that by doing THAT thing that causes your heart to feel like it may stop beating if you do,
but your beloved is asking it of you so they can become full again, healed, and who they really are, so they can find their truth,
if THAT thing in your mind is going to kill the relationship,
but you saying “NO I won’t do that for love” will certainly kill the relationship, or you would rather opt for the death of relationship then doing THAT thing…
Then why not,
I mean let’s just go out on a limb here today….
Why not at least DO THAT THING and see where it takes you?
Worst case scenario is that you land where you were willing to go anyway.
Call me crazy,
but if you truly love and not need the person and the relationship,
then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in exploring this life a bit and expanding yourself and your relationship through the support of your beloved.
What would you do for love?
stop Existing & Start living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Enjoy these musings and free coaching? Want to level up your relationship? Expand into love and heal your past beliefs that are no longer serving your life?
Message me for deet’s on private and group coaching available world wild today.
So you think you can poly?
You think you can do open relationship?
Right now I have a bunch of couples coming to me with the desire to open their relationship up.
I have a bunch of singles who desire to get into an open relationship as well.
What’s up with all the openness?
I will tell you what’s up with all the openness…
Open relationships are effing amazing!
They are built on an unconditional love and acceptance that most monogamous relationships could only ever dream of.
Open relationships when done right,
are all about each partner giving themselves and each other the permission and support to explore who they really are and to get their needs and desires met how they feel fit without the fear of loosing their primary partner.
Open relationships encourage each partner to truly work on themselves and move through their limiting belief structures,
through their fear based needs and ideas around jealousy and control equalling love.
Open relationships are hardly ever about the sex.
Although sex is a big part of the relationship guidlines and agreements,
sex is never what it is ultimatly about.
And here is why…
Anyone can go get laid pretty easily.
If you are a female,
there is free, easy to get sex around every corner, no matter your age, looks or anything else.
If you are man, yeah it can certainly be a bit harder ( no pun intended..lol- okay maybe intended)
but at the end of the day if you truly desire it and have a bit of confidence then there is a chick who will hand it over pretty easily.
So sex is not difficult to get.
But thats just friction based, empty sex.
There is nothing too it.
No heart, no soul, no connection.
Its just skin rubbing skin ending with a pump, pump ooohhh, goo, moment.
And that is most likely part of the problem in the primary relationship that triggered this whole idea to open the relationship to start.
Heartless, quick, empty, friction based sex on one side or both.
Opening up the relationship is because one partner if not both feels lost in who they are.
They are starving to be seen, felt and understood.
They are hungry for a deep orgasm.
And that deep orgasm can only come about with care,
with some feelings attached to the person they are dancing with.
Or else, its pointless.
It’s empty and in truth sorta traumatizing to the mental and emotional houses.
Opening up is about realizing that not all connection is equal.
Realizing that NO ONE person will ever, or can ever fill all of our needs. That when we are closed that we will live out our lives only meeting one aspect of self as well.
When we open, it is more about us meeting all the facets of who we are, then about getting laid or having an orgasm.
Opening up is about allowing yourself to breathe into self,
to explore different venues of the mind, the emotions, the physical body.
If you have had sex with more than one person in your life,
then you can pause a moment and think about the different ways each partner made you feel. You can think about how you reacted, conversed differently with each person. How each person, taught you new things about life, or revealed different likes or thoughts, even personalities of the self.
This is why people open.
We grow weary and bored with the self.
We become numb to all this beauty we hold in ourselves,
and we forget who we are.
Our candles grow dim and we need someone to strike a match and help light us up again to all the treasure we have within.
A person who lives in fear of loosing their partner prevents themselves and their partner from ever authentically showing up in the relationship or in the sex. Fear creates an energy of neediness,
fear creates a desire to control outcomes,
and a belief that if our partner loved us truly then they would always put us first.
After all we are the primary partner.
We are the significant other.
We are the life mate.
In truth, the relationship that must hold center stage for any person,
is the relationship with self.
And when we choose to disregard the relationship with self,
we close ourselves to all we have to offer this life,
to offer our partner,
our family and friends.
And we slowly die within.
So yes, this may seem like I just said you need to be selfish in relationship and put yourself in front of EVERYONE else,
and I did say that.
You will never be able to fill the needs of those you love if your vessel is empty.
You must put self- care first.
and in open relationship,
this is understood and honored.
We best honor and love our primary partners and all relationships in our lives when we take care of self in all area’s first.
Now, don’t let this statement lead you to believe that open relationship is about partners demanding things left and right without care to anyone else’s feelings or needs.
Only a self- centered person does that.
And self-centeredness and selfishness are vastly different things.
No, in open relationship the partners discuss needs,
discuss ideas on how to best support each other,
and know that in order to remain deeply rooted in each other and keep their relationship primary,
that they MUST set healthy guidelines, boundaries and agreements in place and honor them.
They know the importance of setting aside time for connection daily and weekly with each other,
keeping the relationship that they claim as a primary,
but they do so by honoring themselves as well and speaking their needs and desires. Understanding that sometimes their partner cannot give them what they want or need in that moment.
Yes, open relationship equals difficult, real, raw conversations.
Open relationship means a willingness to see and hear your partners truth and know that you cannot always be the one to support them the way they need.
Open relationship understands that intimacy and vulnerability, truth and answers are not always pleasing or easy to step into.
But that it is what is needed if we truly love someone.
Today I ask you to look at your relationship,
no matter the label you identify with.
I ask you to look at your relationship and ask yourself these simple questions,
“Am I making my primary relationship, primary? And how am I doing this?”
“Am I acting out of fear and control in my relationship, or am I offering authentic unconditional love and support?”
“Do I feel that my partner owes me anything or is responsible for my feelings? If so how is this serving either of us or our relationship?”
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn about opening up in relationship or want to keep it monogamous but practice the conversations and relating skills of an open relationship? Message me today for deet’s on 1:1 coaching opportunities.
He asked if I would get on birth control for him.
We were really clicking.
OMFG! it was hot and I wanted him so badly.
I wanted to move forward and I wanted to explore the sex.
But I did not want any more children.
I had five children already and I was not interested in having any more at this point,
especially not risking it this early in the game of a new relationship.
Plus, even though something inside of me truly trusted that this man was clean,
I knew that you just never know,
and disease is a serious thing.
Weeks went by and the desire for each other grew as the days passed. Finally I decided that I trusted him enough to go bare with him in sex and that I “should” just make sure that no babies came from this,
so I went and got myself on the pill.
I had not been on birth control for the last 5 plus years, my system was clear of anything of the sort and I was feeling good. I felt emotionally stable after having one of the lowest points in my life in a deep dive into depression prior to getting off of birth control. My body was strong and I felt great in my skin. My health was awesome.
What could go wrong?
I wanted this man.
I wanted this sex,
The intimacy of bare sex.
And so why not make sure to guard us against the one thing that I knew we did not want.
I got on the pill.
Everything seemed normal enough for a few months.
No big red flags waving.
My moods were normal, nothing too rocky.
No weight gain or fatigue.
But then I crossed over the 90 day mark.
Then I felt weepy.
Depression was setting in again.
Weight started to slowly come on,
just a few poundss but I noticed it.
And my desire for sex,
the reason I had decided to start taking birth control again anyway,
yeah the desire for it was dwindling.
I was feeling each day more lost in who I was.
I felt the mask I had worked so hard at letting go of,
being picked back up again.
Now instead of laughing authentically and enjoying my life,
I found myself working ever so hard just to maintain composture and not get mad or cry for no reason.
My emotions were out of control.
I felt like I had time lapsed back a decade and I could not figure out what was happening or why.
Never did I think it was the birth control.
Months went by.
My sex dried up.
I was no longer the woman that he met,
and I also found myself to not be attracted to him any longer.
It was like we were completely different people,
and I for one was for sure.
The once beautiful possibility of a lovely relationship came to an end and I found myself bouncing around with a few other quick flings,
searching for the woman that I had lost somewhere along the line and wondereing why I was attracting these men that I really did not care for but seemed drawn too.
then I stoped taking the birth control.
I committed to my health and well being and I decided that if I were involved with someone sexually that I could just use a condom and not rely on this hormone imbalancer.
Not long there after I went in for my pap-smear and was told of cells on my cervix that were irregular.
The doctor let me know her concern of what this could mean.
I did some deep detoxing and investigating on what I could do to naturally irradicate these irregular cells.
I discovered that there was ton’s of studies done on birth control and the links to different types of cancer and cell mutation.
In my research I found out that it took up to 2-years to clear your system of birth control. To my plesent surprise I I was blessed with a clean bill of health again after crossing over the two year mark from taking the pill.
PLUS, guess who was back in her own flesh.
Emotionally stable again.
And turned on,
plus able to have good orgasms again.
Yes! I was back.
And for the first time in my adult years I had fully digested the connection between how delicate my hormones were and how easily they could be set off,
causing massive issues from depression and lack of desire, to actual cancer.
PLUS, I discovered the science showing how birth control can and does change who we are attacked too. Explaining why so often we find ourselves with someone that we typically would not be attracted too without the extra hormones in our system.
And my question came,
“Why would a man who loves a woman ever desire to put her into this situation just so he did not have to wear a condom?”
“Why woudl a woman take this sort of risk with her health?”
“Why would we willingly put something in our bodies that could change who we are attacted too and expect it not to make that big of a difference in our relationship success?”
“Why is this never spoken of? Not made public knowledge when the facts are out there and not that hard to discover?”
The answer is simple,
We just don’t know.
We have not been informed.
And we have been focused on population not on health.
An educated person will gaurd against having unwanted children and at the same time will want what is best for their own health and well being as well as their partners, as well as wanting to be attracted to people that are a match for them verses the opposite.
But the education is not there.
And the desiree to inquire,
to seek out the truth is spoken of often but hardly ever followed.
Today I ask you to STOP the insanity of living blind in your sex and relationships and to actually inquire, witness and do your work or learning yourself, and knowing what is good for you as well as those you merge with.
This is maturity.
As Always Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers’
Message me for deets on 1:1 coaching and education today.
NO ONE GETS TO DECIDE IF YOU ARE WORTHY! YOU JUST ARE ALREADY.
Yes that thing that you may think you are lacking in or don’t even have any of.
But the reality love is that you were born with a massive amount of it.
So much so that it’s not in question,
not even a smidgen in question.
Not by God love.
ONLY BY YOU.
And that is what is holding you back.
It’s your lack of belief in your worthiness.
You for some reason think that your worthiness is up for debate,
that you have to earn it somehow.
That if you run around like a chicken with its head cut off that you will get more of it.
That if you live for everyone else,
and put yourself behind them all that THEN ,
then you will be a step closer to earning a little worthiness.
But even then,
even after you have buried yourself in commitments and exhausted yourself in the keeping of everyone else’s expectations and idea’s of you and for them,
YOU STILL FEEL without it.
I get it love.
I truly do.
It’s a daily battle you could say,
to wake the f-ck up and KNOW YOU ARE WORTHY without question.
But if you want all that you want.
If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
If you are READY to BE READY.
Then it time that you accept that you were born WORTHY AF!!!
Don’t you get it love?
God moves through you and I.
God creates with your hands.
Unfolds the evolution of this planet and its people through you and I.
This world moves forward because of what we manifest into existence.
And we can only create what we do with the guidance of SOUL.
And soul is the voice of God in us.
Together we create all that is and all that ever will be.
But is a joint work.
And because of this very factor and the nature of you and I being co-creators with God,
makes us worthy of all of our desires.
The desires that you want to manifest into existence were put there by the creator.
It is your hands,
your voice and eye’s,
that make it happen though.
It is through you that God has concentrated focus.
It is by your viewing of the world,
and you feeling of life,
and how it unfolds,
that desire is birthed.
And opportunity is seen.
As you move through this existence,
and you feel the ebbs and flows of all that can be created,
you gain a hunger for something beautiful to unfold.
You crave more.
You smile and you cry.
You get frustrated and you excited.
These are the emotions of creation,
because they birth desire.
And in the desire becoming aware in YOU,
God see’s it,
and evolution happens.
YOU WILL NEVER BE CONTENT.
You will never reach a point in your life where you desire for no more.
You will always want to create MORE.
This is the desire of God,
The greatest artist.
Working with you,
to paint a breath taking picture,
And because you are breathing love.
You need not ever question your worthiness.
Because you are hungry,
you need not ever question your potential.
Because you are feeling pushed and pulled,
you need not ever question your footing.
God is there love.
You just need to surrender to the path that is before you.
It is yours.
And in your stepping forward,
God will paint the path.
God does not make unworthy things.
And God does not work hand in hand or through unworthy things.
God is working through you,
So stop questioning so much.
Allow your blessings to flow.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living – YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Want some extra support in co-creating your masterpiece?
That where God moves through me,
helping people like you who get that they are worthy AF and want to be conscious co-creators with God in the painting of a beautiful life but are still uncertain as to how to fully tap in and surrender that that they feel at their core.
Yes here is where I assist YOU.
Want to connect and say YES to YOU?
Let’s go! – You are worthy.
Message me for deet’s.