Stop Existing & Start Living
SO how do I do it all?
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
WOW!!!! I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone by. So many amazing adventures and beautiful people have shared this year with me. This next week is Thanksgiving, there are already Christmas tree’s up in the stores, lights being lit all around town and Christmas music occasionally playing here and there. Mother nature occasionally is letting us feel the comforts of the season, although here in Texas she takes too many med’s or maybe not enough and seem’s a little manic.
I love this time of the year, fall might even be my favorite. The other day I was on Facebook and some memories came popping up showing me what I was doing this time last year. My heart swelled with love and joy at seeing all the incredible moments that I had then. Suddenly I found myself wishing to drift back to those moments and linger there. This year I have committed to stay home for the holidays and make it a working season in preparation for all the marvelous adventures of 2018.
Looking back on the last twelve months though I realized the journey that I have been on is one that has been loaded with blessings. Even in some of the shadowy moments I felt great rapture and transformation at a core level. The year has had so much turbulence but with it great accomplishment.
So let me share my tale with you if you will….
Just over a year ago this new journey began, I was on a last minute hiking and horse backing riding trip to Spirit Lake in Kentucky with my lover. The extended weekend was fabulous in every way from taking in the sites of chimney rock, the natural bridge, angels arch to horse back riding on Jack a horse that I am convinced had smoked some MaryJane. We toured Claiborne, Secretariat’s Ranch and went to the Lexington Races, enjoyed some hippie pizza out in the middle of no where, raced on a zipline and went on a driving tour of the historical sites such as Transylvania University. However even with ALL this adventure my favorite moments were spent in the cave we discovered on the back side of the property of our cabin. Wine, camp fire and love making under the stars. Now that is orgasmic.
This unexpected trip to Kentucky was perhaps one of my favorite trips of all time. I had no expectation going in. I could not even believe that I had agreed to go on this trip, thinking what is in Kentucky anyway? LOL – WOW!!! I discovered more than what I ever could have imagined and what I am speaking of has nothing to do with everything that I just shared.
Kentucky opened my heart and soul at new level to my lover and to G-d. We had traveled before together, enjoyed beautiful destinations such as Costa Rica, but this trip, this trip we went deeper, we laughed harder, we became raw with each other spiritually as well as emotionally. It was fucking AMAZING!
We followed this trip up with New York in December where we enjoyed Broadway, Central Park, The Tavern on the Green who makes an incredible cocktail I wish I knew the name of, lots of tours, the empire state building, statue of liberty, Rockefeller Center and Tree Lighting, Sojo, the 9/11 memorial, the MET, and some simply yummy foods.
From there we found ourselves at Christmas back home! Carriage rides, plays and fine dining. Love making on a golf course and in front of the fire in the living room. Laughter, joy, play, adventure and opening…. I took my family on a cruise to Mexico to swim with dolphins, see the great wonders of Chichén Itzá, drink too much tequila and enjoy the beauty of this earth.
2017 began and I found myself on a girls trip to Punta Cana with a dear friend where we enjoyed the beaches and the breath taking night sky, hardly ever wanted to leave our private villa, went ziplining, drank too much rum and danced under the night sky and enjoyed our fierce female friendship.
February rolled around and my lover surprised me with a trip to Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds in Riviera Maya on the beach for three days. Oh my! That crazy, crazy man how he knows just what to do. Three days on the east coast of Mexico hiking Coba, swimming with sea turtles, enjoying all the tropical waters and fish as well as the cenotes. But we were not done with Mexico yet!
The year was still young and as soon as this adventure was done we found ourselves a few short months later off to a surprise trip to Laguna Beach. Telling me that we were going to go hiking in the Texas Hill Country I packed for such. The morning of the trip came and he picked me up and drove me not to Austin but the the airport where he asked the TSA agents if they would pass me through everything with him holding my ticket so that I would not know till last minute where I was actually going. Guess what? I have NEVER been through security so fast and with such sweetness from TSA. We arrived in California a few short hours later and spent the day driving with the top down enjoying the the California sun. The trip was filled with laughter, joy and love. Playing like big kids at Disneyland, shopping and dining on the streets of Laguna Beach, a sunset cruise from Dana Point and a massage and art buying after a ferry ride on Catalina Island. Love making on the balcony over looking the ocean and snuggling by the outside fire of the Montage for sunset. Possibly my second favorite trip…..
Okay, no Dave Matthews still win’s…
At our return to Texas we found ourselves walking into a turbulent, painful summer. A summer that would change our worlds.
We could have never expected what the next few days would bring let along the next few months and the rest of the year.
I am a deeply spiritual person and I believe that the spiritual strength that we both have, needed to be revealed. This next chapter of our relationship would mean for us to part ways for an unknown time frame. Years of love, years of connection, trust, depth , play, adventure, soul raptureing moments came to a sudden halt when G-d called on us both. My lover went to a funeral and was seen by a woman whom he greatly respects , she shared a message with him that was short, “God wants you to get on your path. He is giving you three days.” – Now when one hears a message like this, one listens. Or so I hope they do.
I found myself in a place of support and distance. Feeling nervous. Quickly the universe side tracked me with my own chaos of family. My aging mother found herself needing 24/7 care for the onset of Dementia. Me being her only support. My entire summer was spent dealing with state issues, finding a residence for her, figuring out how to make it all work while my lover found himself moving down a path of solitude to reconnect and center himself with the creator again. In August we made a commitment to each other that we would hold true to our paths and let G-d lead us. We swore to see each other on the other side of this solo-journey of the rebirthing of the soul. There was no fighting but there were tears.
And there are daily tears, still.
It is funny, one would think that after four months of not seeing each other or speaking, only a few short texts to exchange a brief message here and there every few weeks as to say, ” I am still alive,” that one would feel ever so distant from the other. The lesson that has now been embossed into every cell of my being is just the opposite.
At every corner of this journey I have had certainty. When I look back through the years of loving, I see all the opportunities we each had to turn away from each other but chose instead to love deeper and stand in the fires of life stronger. When I look at the years together and all that has happened between us and each of our lives I am certain that our love is unique. It is truly authentic and real. The things that we have seen, experienced and asked of each other have pushed us in many ways. Some may perceive some of our adventures in life as crazy stupid, painful, sinful even. But here is the thing….
I am lifted up by the love I have…
The love I share…
The love that will never die…
And I still hold on, NOT to him, not even to the love.
I hold on to my certainty that G-d has my back.
And those who have certainty, can wait with ease.
I am waiting, Christmas will come again.