Forced Consent is Not Authentic Consent.

You can’t touch this….
Touch.
Hands on attention.
Something that is so needed,
so human, so intimate and connective.
 
Yes touch is something beautiful.
Unless it is not wanted.
Unless it is given when it is not appropriate.
Unless it is out of one’s boundaries or it is forced upon someone.
 
And it is this final statement that I want to address today.
As a woman who has experienced her fair share of trauma,
and speak about the healing process,
the psychological issue around and how to best prevent further trauma in life,
It has come to my attention over the last week the power of touch, yet again.
 
The same touch that can show love can also trigger fear.
Our hands and fingers can open in a hug and give one with deep care and no desire to harm another,
these same hands and fingers can penetrate another person with fear and trigger old wounds as well as cause new ones with the same action of a hug.
 
How can that be?
How is it possible?
Does that mean that we should just not touch anyone?
Yet here we are a touch deprived society.
Hungry for touch and the fact that we are so deprived has us uncertain as to what is healthy and what is not,
because we are deprived and not taught proper respect and boundaries,
permissions and body language signs,
because we want what we want and tend to overlook another person’s feelings or obvious gestures of not wanting to be touched,
we push ourselves onto others with great disregard to what we may actually be triggering in them or re-anchoring from a past wound.
 
Touch can be healing,
but it can also be harming.
 
Outside of the harmful touch of physical abuse which is what you may think when you read the words of touch can be harmful,
it can still be harmful with a loving, caring, even playful touch.
 
I will bring to the attention what our society is being taught.
 
Recently in America we have dealt with the conversation of touch with our very president being captured stating:
 
“Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
 
This is an extreme statement about touch.
About taking what you want with disregard to another human being. And I see the fall out of this statement in many relationship scenarios from parenting to lovers,
from friends to colleagues.
 
Every time we ask our child for a hug or a kiss and they say “no” and we respond with,
“Come on, mommy/daddy need’s a hug.”
” Give me hug and then you can go.”
“I will give you this if you give me a hug or a kiss.”
 
We are disrespecting our child’s space and answer.
We are teaching our child that it is okay to ignore a “no” and to even try and bribe, guilt or push further for what you want with total disrespect to another’s desire, boundary or need.
 
This then translates to adults who believe that it is okay to push for what they want with a spouse or partner.
 
It translates to adults who do not respect the space, time or feelings of another in any relationship situation.
 
It translates to adults who do not take responsibility for their actions, as they feel that they are doing what they are doing out of a “good” place or a “just or deserving” place, as though they have the right when in fact they do not,
and that no matter how good or right our actions may be,
if they are harming toward another’s boundaries or desires then we need to pause and respect what we are being told or what we are witnessing in energy,
body language coming from another person.
 
Touch.
It is so very powerful.
And our boundaries around it can ebb and flow within any relationship and moment by moment in our lives.
A touch that felt good yesterday may very well close us down to connection the next.
 
And the thing to remember about touch is that it extends past the physical.
 
Touch is about how we touch another person.
 
We can touch another person with our physical body,
we can touch them with our words,
we can touch them with the look from our eye’s,
the expression on our face.
We touch other’s all the time.
How you touch them is the question that I encourage you to review in your life today?
 
Are you honoring and respectful?
Do you listen to their body language as well as their words?
Can you hear their truth and accept it just as that,
without needing approval from them or needing a reason as to why they think, feel or need what they need?
 
Or are you operating from a place of self-centeredness?
A place of need and hunger?
 
When you are in relationship with anyone,
no matter the intimacy level or actual label on the relationship,
do you give…
do you touch…
do you speak…
do you act…
out of the place of unconditional respect and love or are you wanting something and wanting to feel a certain way,
with the belief that if this other person “supports” (gives) you what you are wanting by allowing you to act, speak, give, touch, etc… the way that you deem good in that moment,
that this is what “should” happen and it is “okay” because that is just the way that you want it to be?
 
We are all guilty of ignoring another and insisting that they feel or think a way that we want them too instead of how they may actually be feeling or thinking.
 
We are all guilty of wanting something from another at times.
We are all guilty of missing ques in body language or tones, even not hearing words fully and crossing over boundaries.
We are all guilty of being self-centered.
 
No one wants to feel rejected.
No one wants to feel like they have hurt someone that they care for.
 
The reality is that when in relationship,
we will hurt those we care for.
We will not always be present with them.
And we will have hidden expectations if nothing else that we are not aware of that may cause issues along the path.
 
But if we want to act out of love,
if we want to be emotionally mature,
and trustworthy,
if we want to expand and deepen a relationship,
then each of us MUST take responsibility for how we choose to touch those around us.
 
With our words.
With our physical bodies.
With our looks.
With our expectations.
And assumptions.
 
And we must learn to respect the “No” without question of why.
 
Because no one owes you an explanation of why they are feeling any way,
just like you do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you think or feel any particular way either.
 
But to push your will on another,
is a breaking of truth,
it is dishonoring to the relationship and to both parties in relationship,
and it shows the desperation of one’s need and lack of actual care for another.
Making it detrimental to the relationship.
 
Pay attention to what you are seeing,
to what you feel coming from another person,
not not what you want to feel or see.
 
Realize that your truth about any particular thing may not be the same as another’s and if you are interacting with another person you NEED their consent to involve them.
 
How are you toughing those in your life today?
 
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Let’s get you to your desired F-ck YES! NOW.
Applications for 1:1 available for a limited time. Message me for application.

The rise of the designer vagina….

 “I’d much prefer that she is comfortable with herself versus being neurotically insecure enough to get surgery.”

–Male response when asked in a survey

Over the course of the last 20 years since I first became sexually active at age 16 I have gone through many a cycle in the understanding and openness of my own body. Early on in life as a small child I was in love with my fleshy body and that of my male childhood friend’s. Both of us would have a blast sneaking off to one of our tree houses or under some bushes somewhere to explore each other’s “private regions.” I was accepting, curious and very eager to explore and be explored. My childhood boyfriend, Curtis, looking back was far more timid at our games then I was. I was always pushing to try to figure things out, asking for him to touch me here, or wanting to touch him there. Playing doctor was one of my favorite games.  As I grew though I developed an insecurity with my body and by the time I was 12 and had my first period I was almost scared of it. I constantly compared myself to my best friend Michelle who was already voluptuous in curves and I felt like I was this tall thin wall. Her body was beautiful in my eye’s and I wanted to look like her( after all she resembled the girls in the magazines my dad read). As time went on I found myself even more uncomfortable in my own skin yet boys were chasing. Even though I adored their attention I remained closed and did not accept any dates while my best friend Michelle was off and having the time of her teen years.

Finally at 15 I met a boy who was a few years older then me and I felt instantly connected to. With him, I longed that he would ask to be  the one to take my virginity, I quivered in each breath of anticipation hoping he would touch me, and desperately wanted that first kiss. Finally the kiss came and with it came months of what I now know was tantric training. After a year of dating and him teaching me that I was beautiful, could trust him, should enjoy my body and love it we finally made love. In this event I found myself birthed into a new reality of my sex energy. I discovered a rapture that I could not fathom before in all my masturbating and fantasies. Still uncomfortable to a degree with my female genitalia, I did slowly learn that it was a glorious event to make love in the sunshine in a field, or a meadow, under a bridge or in daylight in one of our beds. He taught me that being open and connected to myself was powerful and sexy. But, time changes and relationship serve their purpose, our paths were not to stay in this form and we parted ways. After that relationship I found myself shutting down and fearful, almost as though I were regressing to age 12. Even though I was married now and my husband said he loved my pussy and could not get enough of it, I found his hunger for it almost disgusting at times. He would describe how beautiful he found it in looks, taste and smell. He would tell me that I felt incredible wrapped around him. Unfortunately, I did not feel the same way about myself as he did about me. I was out of love within myself and could not see my beauty. It became so bad that I started to even walk pigeon toed, I could not make eye contact with anyone for a significant time and the thought of self pleasuring myself was not even in the same zip code. Even though I stayed sexually active, sex to me was about my duty to my husband, my contract, and keeping my security and family together. Sex was not for pleasure unless I had had too much to drink and needed a good hard fuck.

Detached from my body, disgusted at it matter a fact, I found myself craving a way that I could “fix” this ugly mess of a woman that I had become. After all I had kids and was aging by the day. I would look in the mirror and all I could see were a bunch of flaws. One day, I even took a mirror and looked into the forbidden zone of my pussy. OMFG! things were not the neat and tidy little  package that I recalled from age 6. How did this mess happen? Motherhood! Sex when I did not want it. Lack of vaginal exercises. And my boobs, let’s not even talk about it…

So I made up my mind, I had to have plastic surgery. I mentally fixated on it actually. My husband told me that he loved me and thought I was perfect just the way I was (in my mind, he was lying, he had to say that or he may never get lucky again). However I knew that plastic surgery would not be the only solution and this designer vagina surgery was not even heard of yet, at least not for the everyday woman. I figured that my best bet was to get physically fit, loose the baby weight, tone up, get a tan and then a boob job. In this I was kindly reminded about kegal exercises and vaginal weight-lifting balls. So it became my daily practice and once I reached all my goals I was off to get the finishing touches of “perfect” breasts. Or so I thought…

Years later- I was reawakened to sexual healing practices. Tantra crept back into my life as well as other spiritual practices and some psychology training. I had now developed a strong foundation of understanding about nutrition and the spiritual and psychological training filled my vessel with the knowledge that I needed and opened a pathway to real healing.

Instead of plastic surgery and constant roller coaster diets, depression medications and hopeless physical changes that came from doctors, I found a real cure for this self-disgust and un-comfort in my own flesh. I discovered how to fall in-love with myself again and in doing so I ended up manifesting some pretty incredible lovers into my life that all supported my new love for self.

Unlike before I actually believed and adored the loving comments and even though I really did not need them at this point, I still cherished each word. These men shared with me in great detail how they hungered for me, how wonderful I felt, tasted, smelt. How they wanted more and thought of me when we were apart. They shared that they adored my ability to be open, explorative, playful and confident in my own skin. Every now and then I would feel like maybe I should still get that boob job, so I would test the waters with a lovers reaction and share about how I was talking with someone and breast enhancement came up. I would ask my lover how he felt about it? Over and over again, each lover would say, ” All breasts are beautiful and good. I love them. Yours are perfect I am so glad that they are real, I love kissing and  touching them.”

Bye, bye breast insecurity. Hello breast love.

phone 7111 011-1The same thing is true with the vulva. Any woman who is feeling like her pussy is not as perfect as the porn stars or that she needs to change this part of her body needs to:

  • Get familiar with your pussy (look at it from every angle)
  • Get down and dirty with yourself (make love to yourself, allow your fingers to explore and taste yourself)
  • Get a confidence boost by making love to a partner in the day light
  • Ask your partner to slow down and look at your vulva. Ask your partner to describe what they see.
  • Get a real confidence boost by pleasuring yourself in front of a lover. It is amazing how you will quickly fall in love with yourself when you realize that your partner is getting really heated up by watching you and seeing this part of your being exposed in love and vulnerabilty.
  • Do Tantric Art Therapy to awaken your inner goddess and start your sexual healing
  • Get busy doing your vaginal workouts to strengthen your internal muscles and build confidence
  • Learn or go to a Tantric Coach/Practitioner that help re-establish the proper feeling, blood flow and energy to your vulva and vagina
  • Release stored trauma in your genital areas.
  • Get educated on ancient sexual healing knowledge that can help restore the appearance and feel of your vulva and vagina.

These are a few things that can change your life. Your confidence and love for self. And the best part is that No doctors, knives, or needles are needed. You won’t have a scare that will cause you other forms of insecurity and you will have learned that being authentically you is PERFECT!!!!

–KW

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 The rise of the designer vagina…

Genital surgery is one of the fastest growing areas of plastic surgery Nicola Conville looks at the reasons why demand has increased for labiaplasty surgeries In our quest for perfection and amid a growing obsession with body image, it seems women now have a new part of the anatomy to worry about – our vaginas. Genital plastic surgery is one of the fastest-growing areas in cosmetic surgery, and one of the most popular procedures being requested – mostly by young women – is a labiaplasty. A labiaplasty – or labial rejuvenation – is a procedure whereby the inner labia, or labia minora, get trimmed back so they look more “tucked in”. The surgery is generally done under a local anaesthetic, so the patient is awake while it is being performed. The process takes around 90 minutes and you can walk out of the surgery, returning to normal activities within a few days – except for sex, which you should hold off for four to six weeks.

designerpussy1

The reason for the rise

“There has been a huge surge in the past five years of people looking to get genital surgery, and the vast majority of these are getting a labiaplasty, vaginoplasty (vaginal tightening) or liposuction in the pelvic area or labia,” says Dr Laith Barnouti, a leading Sydney plastic surgeon. Barnouti says that currently around 20 per cent of his clients are coming in for genital surgery. The youngest to date was 14, the oldest in her mid-sixties. A 2010 report also found that the number of clinically necessary procedures   – that is, not solely for cosmetic reasons – performed by private practitioners nearly doubled in recent years. So why are women requesting this procedure? There are a few reasons, says Barnouti, including feeling “socially embarrassed… people can’t wear certain types of bathers, people feel embarrassed in intimate situations”. But the reasons go beyond the aesthetic, he claims. “Labiaplasty and vaginoplasty are often performed due to a medical condition – people actually have it for a functional reason,” Dr Barnouti says. “Labial hypertrophy – enlargement or sagging of the labia – can be unhealthy and unhygienic.” Vaginoplasty, which is usually performed on women who have a weakened perineum after giving birth, is a “restorative, reconstructive procedure”, says Barnouti. “This is something completely different from, say, liposuction, which is a purely cosmetic procedure.”

femalevuvlas

What is normal?

But are women having genital surgery for other reasons – to please a boyfriend perhaps, or because they feel their vagina is not normal? Do women actually hate the appearance of their vulvas so much that they will have parts of them surgically removed? The 2008 UK documentary The Perfect Vagina explored the reasons why women opt for this type of surgery, and found that many do it because they’ve been teased by someone close to them about the way their genitals look, or have just decided their vagina looks abnormal. In the documentary, Professor Linda Cordoza, a leading UK gynaecologist, says while women are much more aware of what’s available in terms of plastic surgery procedures, it doesn’t necessarily mean they know what’s normal. “There’s been a huge trend towards bikini waxing, doing things with your pubic hair as well as the hair on your head. So [women think] if you can have cosmetic surgery done to your face, you can also have cosmetic surgery done on your genitals.” Cordoza says. “I sometimes get two or three generations of women in the same family coming in saying they want their labia trimmed.”

nicentidyvulva

The role of pornography

Our perception of what is normal is most definitely clouded by the proliferation of pornographic images featuring women with smaller, tucked in – and often heavily airbrushed – private parts. As women, we don’t often see vaginas other than our own, so if the only images we see are of highly airbrushed genitals, naturally many of us are going to assume that what we have is “different” or “abnormal”. Melinda Tankard Reist is a media commentator and author of Big Porn Inc and Getting Real – Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls (Spinifex Press). She believes pornography is a big driver in the rise in cosmetic surgery. “Girls are made to feel inadequate and think that there’s something wrong with their perfectly natural, healthy bodies. And boys are expecting girls to provide the porn star experience,” Reist says. Reist adds that it’s important women pass on positive body image messages to their daughters, and that cosmetic surgeons should play their part by refusing to operate on very young women, rather than “capitalising on the body angst of girls”. Barnouti says women contemplating any type of cosmetic surgery should be doing it for themselves, not anyone else. “What we do here is for the patient, not their partner,” Barnouti says. “If you’re going to have a procedure, have it for yourself. Just because someone makes a negative comment doesn’t mean you should change your whole body.”

Labiaplasty – the facts

The procedure: A labiaplasty takes around 90 minutes and patients are usually under twilight sedation – either local anaesthetic or IV sedation – meaning they are awake for the surgery. During the procedure the surgeon removes a wedge-shaped piece of tissue and re-attaches the labium so the inner lips no longer protrude beyond the outer lips. The recovery: Three to four days for normal activities, including going back to work, but avoid exerting yourself physically. You can’t run or jog for two weeks, and no sex for four to six weeks. The stitches used are usually dissolvable. The cost: Labiaplasty costs around $4000 to $5000 if you have private healthcare cover, otherwise you can expect to add another $2000. To be available under Medicare it must be deemed clinically necessary.

Original Post from Body and Soul