The Tormented Devil- Jealousy and Rage

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“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” – Robert A. Heinlein

One of the most feared emotions in relations and yet it seems to run rabid in society and many actually have grown into the belief that this monster is a deeper sign of love for someone when in fact it is an ego statement saying,” I am insecure in myself and untrusting of love in general.” This monster is often the awakener of its side-kick that can not only harm emotionally but also physically. When a person is under the possession of these two, they may feel trapped, chained into an internal world where they are no more than a witness in a prison cell to chaos and torture being inflicted upon their lives and loved ones.

What am I speaking of?

Jealousy & Rage!

According to the dictionary jealousy is:

1. Jealousresentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.

2.Mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3.Vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

4.A jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

For the sake of today’s musing I am going to focus on the second definition of this emotion. Mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc. When we look at this definition we see that jealousy is mainly caused out of a lack of being present in the moment or within our relationship. Anytime mental uneasiness comes forth and you find yourself buying into the game of fear you know that you are not dealing with love or spirit. What you have here is nothing more than ego tapping at your mental window and pulling at your past traumas and insecurities to make your heart pound stronger and your gut tighten. If you allow ego to play this movie for you then you will certainly be handing over the reins of your life to a nasty monster that can and most often does destroy relationships.

anger expression and christmas 035Jealousy that leads to rage is not always brought on by the threat of a physical rival in a relationship such as another lover or mate. Often jealousy raises its head over other events such as a spouse who wants more attention from their partner and is jealous over what seems like excess time being spent with the children or a project. It can rise up big time when one partner decides that they want transformation and healing in their life and start to take the steps toward achieving this. In this action the partner who is seeking growth will be changing their personal vibration to life and if their mate does not decide to keep up there will be a pulling apart of energies and the mate that is not growing or is growing at a slower pace will feel a tremendous pull in the energy between them and their partner. This energy will start to act like an ever growing canyon separating the two. When this happens fear strikes and jealousy sets in shortly followed by anger and rage. This is why we see and hear so many tales of horrible relationship break-ups and even physical, emotional and mental abuse happening. These tactics are ego’s attempt to pull the growing partner back into the same vibration as the one who is not wanting to advance in that same direction.

anger expression and christmas 070I can share personally a time of my life that this very act of ego happened. Years ago I was introduced to the spiritual technology of Kabbalah, I fell in love with the teachings and quickly found myself at home within the community. Excited each week to attend my study group, get tutoring from my teacher and connection with my study buddy and mentors I would eagerly get everything on the home front ready and settled, kids school stuff taken care of, dinner, etc. before I would make the mad dash off to my meeting. Under the belief that my partner supported my growth because after many years of being together we had both been big crusaders of personal growth and advancement. Sadly in this particular case my growth was causing a vibrational upheaval and calling forth the darkness that had grown in our relationship and in each of us. My partner was now being faced with insecurities, jealousy and mental uneasiness. Fear had set in and ego was now his master many a night at my return from class. It became so that I would find myself hating the drive home, I did not even want to face the music of his wrath, I dreaded walking through the doors of our home to find him drinking and sulking, giving me the third degree on things and treating me as though we were in a court of law and I was on trial. At this time of my life I could not understand what was happening. I did not know why he was always so upset about my practice, what I was learning and what I was bringing back to share. As my advancement in my studies grew I came slowly to the awareness that our relationship was on VERY rocky ground and I found myself being posed with some hard choices.

Do I keep growing on this spiritual path and pushing forward regardless of anyone’s acceptance or resistance to it? Or, do I succum to his wants and walk away from the Light that I was experiencing from this path and growth?

Looking back on our past, on my path and on what I wanted to manifest in this life I knew that I could not step away from my core desires for growth again like I had done repeatedly in the past. I knew that if I chose to turn my back on my soul that I would most likely throw myself into another dark night of the soul and who knows what might happen, so I pushed forward in hopes that his perspective and feelings would change and even in hope that he might open to this path as well and we could be a team.

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Alas, this was not in our cards.

Jealousy ate away at him. Fear kept hold tight and the fires of rage slowly were fed until they one night found the fuel that they had been hoping for and we both found ourselves faced with the dark possession of the soul in physical form.

anger expression and christmas 043“It was late and we had been fighting all night until these wee hours of the morning. The focus was on my commitment to my classes and my lack of time and attentiveness to him. The fear was based on me possibly flirting with other men after my meetings while enjoying a glass of wine with my female study buddy at the hotel bar where (the study class at this time was being held at a local hotel chain in the city). No matter how I tried to assure that there was nothing more going on the fear would not let hold and he by this time had drank enough alcohol that any rational was gone and the soul had officially been suppressed. The final moments of this night of rage ended with me lying down in bed, crying and breathing. In my head I worked through my tools that I had been taught so that ego would not completely destroy my internal world. He paced back and forth as he always did after drinking and getting caught in ego. Bathroom to bedroom. Bedroom to bathroom and back. All the while yelling and dancing in a pity party. His pain body was on fire and I was in his eye responsible for this. I recall begging him to calm down and lower his voice as to not wake our sleeping children. This only caused more outrage. Now he was feeling as though I was controlling him and after screaming that he would speak as loud as he wanted he slammed his fists down on the end of our bed. Pounded his rage into the mattress and then without a moment’s notice the man I had known for many years disappeared into some dark dungeon and this tormented devil flung from the shadows of our bedroom wanting me to feel his pain, his fear, his rage, his loss of control of life and all the insecurities and judgments, lack of love that had been bottled up for perhaps a life time or more. In this moment as I lay there I was no longer another human being, I was not the woman he loved, I was not his friend, I was not the mother of his children, I was nothing but the reason for his pain and fear, something that was controlling him and he HAD to regain control of. Without time for a breath my heart skipped and my body tensed. I could not stop my own fear. My own internal terror. The covers were tossed off of me and he grabbed me harshly. At first I thought that he might just slap me and yell some more. But no, his ego had bigger ideas. My night gown was forced upward, his shorts were dropped and without anything more he forced my legs apart, ignored my begging and pleading he penetrated my body. As he did this I could feel my vulva lips tear from the lack of lubrication, I could feel my heart shut down as my tears cascaded down my cheeks onto the mattress. His hands pressing me down, his breath on my shoulder and cheek. Each thrust of his cock was like a dagger into my heart and soul.

 

Jealousy may have started this war but, rage finished it.

 

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After the physical event was over, he rolled over and passed out without a word. I lay there crying. Now angry, full of distrust, fear and not understanding how my longing for personal growth and attending a class could cause this sort of reaction. The next morning I wondered what would happen. To my surprise he acted as though nothing happened other then he had drank too much. Time passed, I continued to close myself of intimately and emotionally to him. Months went by and I found myself trapped in a dungeon of my own with my own tormented devil. Should I have fought more? Should I have called the cops on him? Should I bring it up and ask what the hell happened and why, WHY in god’s name would he hurt me like that on so many levels? All I knew was that this action was out of place and that it was slowly tearing me apart. Tearing us apart. The trust I had in him was after this event completely gone. The violation of my being on ALL levels was now the catalyst for me to escape and move forward in whatever fashion I must in order to not feel like this anymore.

 

The rage he felt in that heated moment that one night that forced him into black out and possession of something evil now filled me. The seed of rage had been planted within my womb and its embers lingered in my thoughts. The path of healing personally and for us together had taken a turn for what seemed to be the worse.”

 

“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy – in fact, they’re almost almost incompatible: one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil…” – – Robert A. Heinlein

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Sadly to say events of this nature happen in over 70% of relationships according to studies done. And even more sadly the “victims” often feel as though it is okay that this sort of violation happened because they blame themselves for perhaps not fulfilling their side of the marital contract, or that they should not be doing what their heart desires and instead focus more on self-sacrifice and doing what their partner wishes. The victims fall into the belief that their partners rage and jealousy is a sign of how much they are loved and that if they themselves would just do and be everything for their partner then theses acts of violence would halt.

To think that we can be everything to our lover or any other person is expecting too much. If we ever look for another to be everything we need and want in a relationship then we are putting unrealistic expectations on those we love and we are increasing our chances of disappointment.  In these sorts of expectations we pull ourselves out of the NOW and we lose our ability to appreciate what we have and cherish the love that resides in our life. Each time we look to another for our happiness we are but only closing ourselves off from the reality that the ONLY person able to make us happy or responsible for our happiness is OURSELVES. As long as we put blame on another for how we are feeling and for our actions we will continue to allow ego to hold the ownership papers on our life.

Make a commitment today to yourself, to your love and your happiness that you will release yourself from the chains of this tormented devil and enjoy a life of freedom. This can only manifest if you learn to remain present in the moment and know that the emotions that you are feeling are coming from within yourself. There is no one responsible for your actions, your feelings, your thoughts other then YOU. And it is up to you to make the decision to act in unconditional love and not let the monstrous face of ego distort your image of reality.

It is up to you to release the chains of this demon that wants to posses your heart and soul!

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Tantra and Enlightenment

OK, so few enter the world of Tantra looking for enlightenment, or at least few enter knowing that they are looking for enlightenment. Most come for better sex, to find intimacy or to improve relationships. But perhaps all of these longings are ultimately for the same thing, a sort of deep inner urge for something deeper, something higher.

After all, perhaps the search for extraordinary sexual experience is also the search for death…not the physical kind, but a certain death into the beyond. Beyond everyday reality, beyond everyday concerns and worries, beyond thought…beyond mind…is that not also the definition of meditation?

The French, in their wisdom, call orgasm le petit mort, the “little death”. Perhaps an insight into the spiritual nature of sex, the glimpse of enlightenment through sex.

And intimacy… the craving to connect, to open with another. The fuel behind relationships. Is this not also the search for love? And what is love, if not a dissolving beyond self…is that not also the definition of meditation?

The great thing about Tantra is that if you step into it because you want to be a chick-magnet or score a husband, it doesn’t matter…it takes you towards enlightenment anyway, towards awakening, towards source. That is the magic of Tantra.

Sometimes I reckon it is better not to think about enlightenment…it is not worth getting too heady about, and one is bound to fall into confusion or delusion. Because one is trying to think the unthinkable, and this can lead to either feeling like you will never ever get “it”, or get all muddled about what it’s all about.

Even worse, thinking about it all may lead to a case of “doing enlightenment”, walking around pretending to be in the moment, acting out being non-attached…if you find yourself walking with your head above everyone else’s you are bound to have fallen into this delusion. Because, after all, enlightenment is about recognising our Oneness, not our superiority!

In Tantra it is possible to cultivate states in which one experiences dissolving into something greater than self, a state of ecstasy. In such a state a realization occurs, a sort of remembering who we really are. Or perhaps a forgetting of who we are not! Such states are delightful, and help to loosen the hold of the “illusion” that we are a separate self.

However, an experience is an experience, the very definition of it is that it comes and it goes. So at some point the ecstasy passes and we may return to selfhood once more. The great thing is that the belief and certainty that you once had about your own identity becomes softened each time you crack the shell open. You can open to new possibilities…maybe you are part of a universal life, an interconnected web, a oneness after all.

A pitfall is to get over-attached to the experiences, and to mistake them for something you are trying to attain. Then you become addicted to ecstasy, grasping over and over to repeat them or to cultivate a new experience. Experience can be seen as a mirror; it helps us to know who we are. But we do not need to hold onto the actual mirror, we do not need to cling to the experience. Tantra teaches us the art of experiencing totally and then letting go.

We sometimes carry the unquestioned assumption that enlightenment is an experience that will someday start and never end. We imagine one day we wake up and fireworks are going off, and we will forever see life though rainbow glasses. But if your enlightenment was a permanent  mind-blowing ecstasy, the type that you generate from certain practices, it would be very hard to get the laundry done.

We often hear that enlightenment is very simple, ordinary even. Yet it is not the “ordinary” of mainstream existence, else we would not be seeking something else… perhaps this kind of ordinary is more the kind of the all-knowing twinkle in the eye. Nothing to shout about; a deep resting in what is, a light-hearted humourful way to play in life…knowing all is not what it appears to be. Ordinary but not ordinary.

How do we live in this way? The key is integration. The art of integrating extraordinary experiences into one’s everydayness. The fusion of the profound and the profane. In Tao and Tibetan Tantra they speak of this as the dissolving of all duality into the core, into the center. Yes, even ecstasy and ordinariness can meet, and dissolve back into the core.

This core, or center, is often thought of as the Source Point. The part of us that is Source; our un-changing presence. This might sound profound, but you can think of it as the part of you that was the same when you were 3, same when you were 21…and will be the same when you are 101. It is the witness that watches life unfolding. In Tantra we use strong experiences to build a deeper connection to this witness-consciousness. Experiences are depicted as Shakti dancing, and the witness is Shiva watching.

Some non-tantric paths of enlightenment encourage the recognition and resting-in of this witness-consciousness at the expense of Shakti, of experience.  This is the ascetic path…denying experience in order to fall into presence, in a way it is denying life in order to know death. Tantra is not ascetic. Tantra says yes to it all. Tantra takes the life and the death and finds out how they meet.

So there is quality of enlightenment within Tantra that is, as Osho says “total”. When one chooses to open to all flows of energy, emotion and experience (shakti), one becomes so total with life that one dissolves into it. There is no separation between you and life. You are life. And yet you are also the death beyond all life. And you are the source of all life and death.

And you thought you were signing up for better sex and easy relationships??!! Welcome to Tantra!

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