As a woman you would think it easy for me to be open and vulnerable, trusting even of the feminine. Of other women. That sisterhood would just come naturally and easily.
As a woman who is a mother of 7 souls, three of which are daughters and spends her day’s reaching out into the world and helping other women, other people and sharing of herself as vulnerably as I can in any given moment. That female connection and understanding would just be a reality. A norm for me.
The truth is though that I have had a lifetime of shut down around the feminine. Around trusting the feminine. Trusting my fellow sisters. Just calling other women my sisters causes a nagging nausea in my gut. It rises up an uncertainty of if I can trust women. If I can lean in here.
Do I even want to?
My wounds with the feminine stem back to my early childhood where my mother would talk radically negative about my father to me on hour long walks with our German Shepard and myself. She would tell me how awful my dad was. How she wanted out of the relationship. She would dream of finding a suitcase full of money on our walk and escaping life with him. She wanted to run away from him. She wanted her freedom but at the cost of choosing daily to stay settled and just bitch to 5 year old me on our evening walk about it.
Then came her co-dependent nature. Always attached at my hip, like an infant to it’s mother. It seemed often like I was the mother. She could not make a move without my support.
Then came her crazy ass stories of her past, where she shared all too much with me about how she manipulated this or that.
How she was wounded from WWII and the bombings.
How she was angry at her father for being killed during the war when she was eight.
How she was angry with her mother for doing the things that she had to at that point to survive and support two little girls.
She told me about her abuse in her first marriage.
She tried to teach me how to steal from stores.
How to lie well and hold my poker face.
She showed me how to disconnect from my heart and SURVIVE.
She taught me that women are not to be trusted.
She taught me that women manipulate.
She told me that I was different though.
That I could walk on water.
But I was her air.
So don’t run away.
Don’t abandon her.
Then came school. My girl friends once made would randomly choose to no longer be my friends. They would make up stories, would gossip if I shared anything vulnerable. They would steal my clothes, cheat off my tests and then point the finger back at me.
But I craved friendship.
I craved sisterhood.
I craved to be one of the girls.
I craved to fit in.
Then came high school. I chose to go to a high school that was actually not in my district so that I could remain with my best friends. They were a grade ahead of me, but we were besties and they WANTED me to come to that school. It was going to be great. Until school started that was.
Now they were too busy for me. They had boyfriends. Sisterhood no longer mattered. It was every girl for herself.
And lord help me if one of their guys spoke or looked at me.
Now I was a threat.
Now I was the enemy.
Ice cream hurdled across the hallway, hitting my brand new leather jacket.
Laughter ringing out.
The call of “You Slut!” from the mouth of my once best friend. The girl who wept her tears of pain when her parents divorced into my arms. The girl who we “twinned” once a week together and sunbathed on the roof of her house every summer day we could grab together.
The girl who begged me to come to this school.
It was going to be great.
We were besties.
We had each others back.
Yes here, here is where it all started.
Repeatedly I witnessed the whirlwind of emotional instability from the feminine.
Repeatedly I was daggered by my sisters as though I was a vampire out to steal their lives.
Repeatedly I was wounded, shamed, disowned by the feminine.
I was lied too.
I was lied about.
My besties, my sisters had been taken over by the mean girl syndrome.
But we were young.
We were just children still.
Things would change once I was an adult.
Women don’t act like this.
Women know how to support each other.
Women understand the pains of our adolescent years and we overcome them and heal. We rise about the mean girl syndrome and we become radiant, supportive siSTARS.
Then came my adult years.
I shut down in my twenties. I kept my friendships limited. I kept my heart limited. I focused on my family. My children. My husband. My life. My education.
The things I felt I could control.
I had a siSTAR in my life. She was amazing. Supportive. Trustworthy. She had my back. I was certain.
And I was right.
She still today, even with miles apart, years between. Words rarely shared has my back and I have her’s. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that I could call her at 2AM from anywhere in this world and cry on her shoulder, ask to stay the night, and I would do the same for her.
She is my soul siSTAR.
She is a rare light.
25 years of friendship proves this.
Then came my 30’s. I was eager, hungry and full of desire. I wanted to take on the world. I wanted to expand. I wanted to meet myself and I wanted a sisterhood. I entered the state of Texas with a mission to have just this. ALL OF THIS.
And so I did.
Or so I thought.
Quickly I had a large group of feminine support. This was my tribe. These were my sisters. We were all mom’s, we lived close to each other. We enjoyed similar things. We celebrated life weekly together. It was amazing.
The holding space for each other when shit went down with our spouses or kids.
The sharing of our fears and our desires.
This was sisterhood.
Then came the day that my dear friend said, “You know what you did. We can’t be friends anymore.”
And with her went the whole tribe.
Gone in a second.
And for what?
Still to this day, almost 10 years later I have no certain closure on this.
Accusations made while I was away on summer holiday with my family. Lies told. Stories conjured. Truth lost. Friendship lost.
Told I was guilty.
Told I was a slut.
Told I was horrible.
Told I was not fit to be in the tribe.
Abandoned by my sisters and never offered a space to speak my truth. To get answers. To set things right.
Mean girls knocking at my door again.
Statements made on social media.
Accusations and allegations of false truths.
Lord help me.
So I shut down.
I closed myself off and I isolated myself from the feminine.
I opened and did my work around the masculine.
I danced and blossomed with the help of the great men who stepped up in my life. Who held space for me.
I stepped into my goddess-hood.
Claiming I did not need the feminine.
It was not to be trusted.
It disliked me.
It hated me.
I was alone.
There was no sisterhood for me.
All but one siSTAR.
Who still remains after 10 years of friendship.
My Hawaiian goddess siSTAR. Who holds space, who laughs and shares her wisdom in times needed. Who shares her pain, her fear and tears. Her joy, her dreams, her spirit with me. Yes she has my back. This I know. This I am certain.
She is a rare light.
It holds me.
It adores me.
It craves me.
It eats me up and helps me to fly.
It scorns me.
It scares me.
It bruises my being.
It rips my heart out like a ravenous beast.
It breaks my body and stomps on my boundaries then blames me for being a woman.
I love the masculine.
I hate the masculine.
I need the feminine.
I crave my sisters.
I crave the support.
I hunger for the light.
I want to be seen as a woman and understood.
Seen that my crazy girl moments are normal.
I want to cry and not be fixed.
And just be okay.
In steps my siSTAR.
She is a rare light.
She supports me by just being.
She see’s my pain and she wants to fight for my hearts pain.
She stands firm in the wake of my storm and she casts a line to help me find harmony once again.
She uproots her whole life,
She turns herself inside out,
She shares her fears,
She holds space when she is not even trying.
She is a rare light indeed.
She is a Goddess.
She has my back and I have her’s.
This I am certain.
This is what friends do for friends, she says.
This is not what I am accustom too.
She and my fellow siSTARS through the last 25 years,
though they may be few,
they are strong,
they are Mother F*cking Goddesses.
They aim to heal them selves.
They aim to heal other’s.
They are kindred souls.
They are true siSTARS.
This is the relationships that I crave with my fellow women.
This is my tribe of goddesses.
This is my healing of wounds from my youth and wounds from theirs.
This is our life path.
This is SiSTARHOOD.
Embracing the fierceness of sisterhood.
Healing the feminine.
By allowing myself to be healed by the feminine.
Remember my fellow siSTAR Goddess,
You are worthy.
You are a rare light.
You are loved.
You are a Mother F*cking Goddess.
Stop Existing- Start Living
Let me ask you this, are you:
Shamelessly stepping into your success?
Shamelessly stepping into your abundance?
Shamelessly Saying YES to Yourself?
At our core if we don’t feel worthy, then we are not going to receive. Because we are not going to allow ourselves to receive.
We all battle worthiness issues. I know I do.
We are told that we should not focus on self. To love self is almost condemned in our society. It is crazy to think that it is far more accepted to hate on yourself than to love yourself. But we are shamed for doing just this.
If we “think to much of ourselves.”
If we ” love on ourselves.”
If we ” speak to highly of ourselves.”
We are shamed.
Don’t be selfish.
Don’t be self-centered.
Many of us were told that to be self-less was the desired path.
That we are to give of ourselves until we can give no more.
And that we should be able to keep giving and not need any replenishment of any kind, especially any self- love, care or acceptance.
And MOST certainly NO BRAGGING!
The thing is, you cannot consistently give at any decent level if you are not receiving some form of nurturing, love or pleasure. You must receive and feed yourself in order to be able to take care of others or achieve any sort of result you may desire in life.
You must allow yourself to receive love, care and other things in order to keep yourself in a state of being able to give and do.
So here you go. What I am speaking about is worthiness.
And what that comes down too is being selfish.
At our core we HAVE to have worthiness in order to create all our dreams, accept love, receive any abundance or success.
Even most of your needs will not come to you if you have worthiness issues.
Have you ever noticed that when something good just happens out of the blue, you know when you have that really good luck drop on you, how it is hard to believe that it did.
You cant believe that you had that sort of good luck.
You cant believe that you got that blessing.
You cant believe that you had that miracle happen.
Do you feel like these events are coincidences?
Or do you send out gratitude and stand in expectation for more because you KNOW that you are worthy?
If your anything like the majority of peeps out there you most likely live in a state of lack of belief that you deserve anything. Which is where the shock of the good shit happening to you comes in. That is that, “Woohoo, OMG! moment.” Yes in this moment of praise you are excited but unbelieving that you are worthy of such yummie gifts from God. When we step into this pattern of disbelief and say such things as, “ I cannot believe this happened to me.” you are showing your lack of worthiness in the blessing.
Well, is it your true lack of worthiness or is it your belief that you are not worthy?
In those experiences and events you are stating that you don’t deserve this goodness to come into your lives.
BUT in TRUTH YOU DO!
When I use words such as gratitude and expectation or child like enthusiasm what I am saying to you is that THIS is a true state of worthiness. It is the act of receiving our blessings and knowing that there is more to come, because more is already coming.
The ONLY way those blessings will not show up is if you have doubt that they will. If you believe that God will not provide for you and that God is somehow wanting you to suffer.
Imagine if you put as much faith and expectation into having abundance in life as you do about living in scarcity?
What would your life be like?
I can tell you what it would be like because I have shifted my own personal shit around this topic and went from raising five children on welfare, in a bad marriage, starting to have health issues, and only having a household income of $17,000. Constantly struggling, moving from house to house, never knowing if the power or water would be on or if I could afford the basics for my family to having stability, savings, debt freedom, incredible loving relationships all around, a multi-six figure income, travel, a clean bill of health and living what I call a F*ck YES! life.
This is what happens when you start to love yourself.
This is what happens when you start to appreciate yourself.
This is what happens when you understand that God is great and wants your greatness to shine as well.
This is what happens when you heal your shame and embrace your worthiness.
You MUST CLAIM YOUR LIFE though.
You MUST start to say yes to taking care of yourself and STOP holding on so firmly to the reigns of fearful control and instead open your arms up and embrace the blessings that are falling all around you.
If you continue to condemn yourself then you will continue to remain in victim status in your life and will NEVER reap the bounties of joy, love, abundance and health that is RIGHT before you. You will continue to feel disconnected, unloved, unworthy, lost and even forgotten.
Life will become all about duty and responsibility.
It will be filled with stress, anxiety, fear and depression.
But it does not have to be that way!
You can have everything RIGHT NOW by simply loving yourself and expecting miracles, expecting blessings, expecting in FAITH that it is not just coming, but already here.
That is the ONLY trick that you have to learn.
In order to achieve this though you must do these three things:
- Pay attention to the mental masturbation you have going on. The chaotic, fear based thoughts that you find yourself dancing with all day. Do you wake up to these thoughts? Do you fall asleep to them? Today commit to starting your day by saying 5 things you are grateful for and end the day as you lay your head down to sleep with five things that you are in gratitude for having happen in the day. This simple practice will change your world and quickly help you feel more worth in receiving abundance.
- You must accept RIGHT NOW that self-esteem comes from no where else but inside you. You must accept yourself without complaint and be willing to work on all aspects of self without contempt or lapse into negativity. This means take FULL responsibility for your life and what is and is not in it. Focus on removing your ego’s dominant need to cast blame.
- Stop feeling guilty about having good shit happen. Stop shrinking down your blessings and feeling like you “should” not have what you have. You must commit to no longer accept guilt into your life. If you are feeling guilty about things that you have done in your past dig a little deeper and realize that what you most likely are calling guilt may be remorse instead. With regret we gain a learning opportunity, with guilt we are in a state of reproach.
CLAIM YOUR LIFE TODAY!
Claim your worthiness by saying YES to yourself NOW.
Love yourself one mustard seed worth of what God loves you and watch abundance fill your life.
Every day I work with sexual unsatisfied men and women. Year’s ago when I started my practice 85% of my clients were men in search of help for some sexual issue or looking for an intimacy surrogate.
I remember longing for the day that my clients would be more balanced between the sexes. As I worked with hundred’s of starving men who felt shameful for their desires I learned repeatedly that the one true cure to these men’s issues were for them to find empowered women. Women who were strong, confident and very much in the feminine instead of what our society supports where women are to be more like men. Which only causes disconnectedness, more shame, irritation, divorce, lack of libido for both sexes, health issues, sexless marriages/relationships and shear sexual frustration.
What these men needed was a Turned On Woman!
When a woman is authentically turned on by life and confident in herself as she is, she can support the divine masculine. She has no need to compete with the men in her life nor does she have a need to be jealous over other women. She is powerful at her core and is lead by her pussy not her mind.
Now, I am sure some who read this wonder why the hell a woman would want to be lead by her pussy or why we should encourage this even? After all that sounds like I am saying that a woman should go out and live promiscuously. It sounds as though I am saying that her sexing is more important then her trade, morals, or family status even. It sounds as though I am saying BECOME A SLUT to women.
And in an essence, this is exactly what I am saying.
By embracing your inner slut through educated sexing and learning what true orgasm is as well as what true turn on is, a woman can become for better terms, enlightened. When she allows her pussy to lead she will be more creative in life, she will discover her authentic yes and no, she will feel interconnected, vibrant, hormonally balanced, and dare do I say HAPPY.
And what does every man desire his woman to be? Yeppers, happy. The only issue is that normally he is lead to believe that it is his responsibility to make her happy instead of her knowing how to make herself happy. Plain and simple, no one can make another person happy nor is it their responsibility to do this. An emotionally mature, empowered person (male or female) who is proactive understands this reality.
“For those open to trying the latest new-age craze, orgasmic meditation may be just for you. OM, as it’s called among its followers, is a holistic practice between two people where a woman has her clitoris gently stroked for 15 minutes in a non-sexual way by a partner with a goal to building connections and prolonging therapeutic orgasms.
The stroking is said to activate the limbic system in the body ie. the emotional nervous system, releasing a flood of oxytocin—“the cuddle hormone”—which cultivates an orgasm. However, the practice is not about the destination, or reaching orgasm, but rather experiencing the journey and whatever sensation may arise. Thus, according to its founding company OneTaste, OM expands the most pleasurable part of the climax as part of a “goal-listed” practice.
“You wouldn’t expect accessing your clitoris could change your life, but it does,” OneTaste New York office director Kim Howerton told AlterNet. “OM involves a sexual practice that includes pleasure at times, but it’s not a practice that is designed simply about pleasure. It’s designed for enjoyment, living a better life and having a better experience. It’s the opposite of hedonistic—more of a personal growth path, than a pleasure-seeking path,” Howerton explained.
While OM has been around for 13 years, people only recently started to sit up and take notice of the offbeat practice after founder and guru Nicole Daedone appeared on a popular TED Talk. Daedone, a former Buddhist nun-in-training with her own semi-twisted story to enlightenment, established OneTaste with a mission to teach OM to the world after being introduced to it by a random man at a party.
Following Daedone’s TED appearance, OneTaste was able to get a host of celebrities on board to promote its cause. It was subsequently featured on Deepak Chopra’s 30 Days of Intent on the Chopra Well YouTube Channel,where the practice, targeted at “tired and wired women,” has been viewed over a million times. Daedone says that like Vitamin C, orgasm is a nutrient that has been missing from the standard human diet for centuries. On the scientific side of the process, OM shares a lot of the same traits as Zen Buddhism.”
(— Full Article can be read at Alternet.org)
Orgasmic Meditation (OM) has become a foundational practice for my work with clients. I truly view it as the beginning stages to helping a woman and even a man who learns how to stroke start to shed the many veils of illusion and shame from their lives. Blended with coaching (talk therapy) and bodywork this practice become a beautiful piece to an Orgasmic Life.
In working with men, women and couple’s, I teach the concept as well as the practice of Orgasmic Meditation (OM) to almost everyone of my clients. Many of my female clients who are healing body image issues, shame, guilt and trauma while they learn how to harvest a healthy relationship not only with themselves but with men again learn to desire their weekly OM Coaching session. This 90 minute appointment consists of 45-60 minutes of talk therapy then a 15 minute OM followed with 15 minutes grounding. During the course of this appointment we work through many exercises to help empower a woman and help her connect to her pussy, her desire. Women who believe they have no desire to women who believe they cannot have an orgasm discover that they have an inner slut who wants to be heard. She is there and she can be very loud. As a woman learns to release the “good girl” image and get comfortable with her inner slut, she also discovers a desire to enjoy ALL of life orgasmically.
Embracing the inner slut can be one of the most scary things a woman can do in her life time. It takes great courage and desire for healing to go against the grain of everything that has been programmed in her from societies need to slut shame to church, state and family as well as even lovers conditioning her to see and think of herself in certain ways. All the programs that women fight with are not new, but thousands of years old, set in motion to prevent women from acknowledging their true gift.
When we learn to embrace our sex, we learn that desire is healthy. Love is unconditional.
We get see the world and reality in a new light. One that reveals how fucking AMAZING life really can and should be.
Today 65% of my clients are future Turned On women. Will you be one?
Join me along with many other Turned On people on this empowering mission of living life, not just fully but Orgasmically!
Ferrett Steinmetz is tired of being told that he should point guns at his daughter’s boyfriends.
There’s a piece of twaddle going around the internet called 10 Rules For Dating My Daughter, which is packed with “funny” threats like this:
“Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising some kind of ‘barrier method’ can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.”
All of which boil down to the tedious, “Boys are threatening louts, sex is awful when other people do it, and my daughter is a plastic doll whose destiny I control.”
Look, I love sex. It’s fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more. I don’t want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don’t want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.
Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give. It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.
Yes, all these boys and girls and gender queers may break your heart, and that in turn will break mine. I’ve held you, sobbing, after your boyfriend cheated on you, and it tore me in two. But you know what would tear me in two even more? To see you in a glass cage, experiencing nothing but cold emptiness at your fingers, as Dear Old Dad ensured that you got to experience nothing until he decided what you should like.
You’re not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. I’ll help. I’ll be your consigliere when I can, the advisor, the person you come to when all seems lost. But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.
You’re your own person, and some of the things you’re going to love will strike me as insane, ugly, or unenjoyable. This is how large and wonderful the world is! Imagine if everyone loved the same thing; we’d all be battling for the same ten people. The miracle is how easily someone’s cast-offs become someone else’s beloved treasure. And I would be a sad, sad little man if I manipulated you into becoming a cookie-cutter clone of my desires. Love the music I hate, watch the movies I loathe, become a strong woman who knows where her bliss is and knows just what to do to get it.
Now, you’re going to get bruised by life, and sometimes bruised consensually. But I won’t tell you sex is bad, or that you’re bad for wanting it, or that other people are bad from wanting it from you if you’re willing to give it. I refuse to perpetuate, even through the plausible deniability of humor, the idea that the people my daughter is attracted to are my enemy.
I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.
That’s what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.
Now get out there and find all the things you fucking love, and vice versa.
This article originally ran at theferrett.com under a slightly different title.
Having daughters can be scary but having sons can be too. Sex can be a beautiful experience and it can be a painful one. Age, relationship, gender has nothing to do with any of it. In schools, church’s and on the home front we teach our children that sex is evil if not done between a husband and wife or two “committed” ADULTS yet they are bombarded with poor sexual behaviors on movies, video games, books, magazines, the internet, advertising and even in the model many provide at home. It is hard to find one ADULT that did not explore sex as a teen and that has been the case since humankind came about, but in today’s society we believe it is healthy to shame, guilt and point fingers at our youth for doing what is absolutely normal. Sex education needs to change in my opinion, from: this is the birds and the bees and its for only making babies with your spouse; fear the diseases and possible death from it, to: here is how you honor your body, your partners body, here is how to have gourmet sex verse fast food sex, here is how to set healthy boundaries and how to talk sex with those you may be “doing it with.” Here are your safe sex options and above all else we need to teach that sex is freakin’ IMPORTANT in a intimate relationship. We do not own another’s body nor should we feel guilt for saying no to our partner when we need to, or feel shame for asking for what we want. We need to teach our children how to be strong and empowered in ALL areas of their life, not shame them for being human. I have always been a realist in my thinking on sex when it comes to all my babies, and because of what I have learned through experience and self searched out education on this topic I wish all my kids awesome safe empowered gourmet sex and I stand behind their decisions with open arms and a heart of understanding.
I am back in Dallas from an eventful 10 day journey to Chicago. I must say that it was just lovely there. The weather was comfortable for the most part except for a tad bit of humidity. Everything was green and blossoming and the people were friendly and welcoming. Getting a chance to explore and to reconnect was such a blessing. It also allowed for me to submerge into the “average and ordinary” middle America with many people who have no clue as to what I do for my life work. I found a few things interesting, one being that those who stopped long enough to turn outward and inquire about what I do, once I stated to them my title (Sex & Relationship Coach) paused with a look of terror on their face for a second before they caught themselves and then quickly changed the subject. I found myself chuckling inside at this reaction but being made very aware of the sad fact that sex and sexuality is that fearful a topic for almost 100% of the population. I did not have one soul inquire deeper into what that might mean, being a sex and relationship coach or how did I ever get started in such a profession, all just became fearful and shut down.
This fear and shame of one of the most important aspects of life is what is preventing so much depression, dis-ease, violence, mental illness, heartache, discontent with life, purpose and relationships. It is also the number one cause of so many people being in a state of neediness physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and even financially. Yes sex can cure your bank account issues! But that is another topic for another day. Right now I want to share what I realized to be one of the major obstacles of intimate relationship for sure and is the cornerstone to a healthy a foundation for life in general.
One of the BIGGEST mistakes that couple’s make in their relationship is the lack of sexual communication. Often we come together in desperation weather we know it or not, we are so hungry to be in a relationship that we might say or do anything to attract the other. We allow for our beliefs, boundaries and core being to be pushed to the side so that we can play a role of who we “think” the other wants us to be. But in a short period of time this role washes away and our true nature is revealed. Or at least the nature that we believe to be us with all it’s limitations, pains and blockages. This seeming new person in the relationship may have issues with all the courting gestures that we did and ways we allowed for other possible aspects of ourselves to be revealed and even lived for a short time. So we find ourselves in a state of closed, fearful distance where we do not feel understood or loved and resentment starts to play center stage.
We suppress our sexual desire’s and our life. We expect our partners to become psychic so that they can properly please us. If they do suddenly become psychic and start to inquire about some of our desires, even hitting some on the head we shun the very thought of desire and huff that they would ever propose such a thing. We are happy, fine and perfectly comfortable right where we are. The very idea of one of our desires being manifested may cause total terror to run through us even though we can feel the soft vibrations of our genitals saying, “YES. YES.”
Why is this?
Not that long ago, my lover and I were out driving, we were goofing around with some old school kid friendly presence games (Slug Bug) and every now and again would take a moment to also sensually tease the other. Somehow this action at one point stirred a conversation and I felt myself shutting down, fear swept across me. I immediately began to self inquire as to what caused this and why, however while I quickly chipped away at it my lover looked at me and said, “Your still dealing with pussy shame.” And you know what, he was right. the next 100 miles of the trip opened me to this awareness. I have felt it rise up and I have noticed some of my shutdowns. I have linked back to the causes and am always actively working on pushing through these blockages and finding ways to heal, however I thought I had pushed through this one a few years ago. I thought that I actually had pussy pride not shame. Boy have I been wrong. I have been stepping gingerly down the pussy pride road but have not fully embraced my own female sexuality and desires. I still find myself having issues asking for what I want or saying no to those things that I don’t want. I dance with fear and shame each moment for feeling the hunger that I do sexually and for life.
Here is an OPPORTUNITY for expansion of the self and of the relationship.
All of these feelings stem from past programs that are still running in the background of my personality and consciousness. When I started to review why was closing instead of opening I quickly discovered the fear of loss, abandonment. A lack of trust in the masculine and in myself. Shame for wanting more and to experience myself and life to the maximum. Shame of my desire to enjoy myself physically. I found rolling around in my psyche the pain of sexual trauma from my past, the fear that if I were to open up again that something “bad” may fall on me again. I found fear and insecurity in my looks and hormonal state.
The list goes on. In self examine I discovered that I am indeed a work in progress. That as far as I have come the programs that we all have grown up with are deeply embedded and I still have work to do. Scary!
The ONLY way to succeed at ANYTHING is to be bold when all others are running scared.
This boldness is self-love. Self-acceptance.
Step away from the flock and fly like an eagle. Heaven is here waiting on each of us and we can all enjoy the bliss we desire and deserve if we allow ourselves the freedom to just BE.
Success is finding your purpose, your passion and living it FULLY.
Success is KNOWING that you are divine.
Success is self-love and acceptance for all every aspect of yourself.
Success is being at peace withing so that the world can be at peace.
Be BOLD, Unbound and full of DESIRE!
“The moment of relief is when you drop the oars and let the stream turn you. Surrender and ask for what you need.” –Abraham Hick
The question that we all use often and that truly has a different meaning then the words used. Are you okay is a question asked of someone when someone else is feeling a societal need, a duty, a face to uphold. It is asked of someone when another party feels as if they should inquire but is not really committed to knowing the truth of the other. It is often asked in closer relationships when one party is feeling that there is something not okay but is not at peace with really hearing the answer. Because of our psychological programming, our fear of loss, our unstable emotional blockages we naturally answer this question when posed it, “Yes, yes I am okay. – Yes, I am fine. – Yes, all is good.” These responses are not accurate in most cases. These responses come with mixed feelings. “Yes, I am okay.” Actually says, “No, I am not okay but I am scared to share where I really am with you. I don’t trust you will handle where I am so I am going to give you the answer that you want and that will allow you to stop further inquiry and not feel guilty about it.” This answer at the same time is saying,” I know you feel something and I want you to dig deeper. I want to express fully but don’t know how or am unsure if I can trust you to hold space for me and where I am. I hope you can feel me calling through and asking you to go deeper with me. I want to be loved unconditionally and heard/seen.”
Our need to be heard, seen, truly felt and space held for us is a vital aspect of our human experience and healing, however because we all come with our own baggage we are fearful of opening ourselves at these levels and in turn give and accept these bullshit inquiries and responses.
This is one of the main questions posed in society, in all of our relationships. Through this question we actually convince ourselves that we care, that we want to know, that we have done our part in helping the one being asked, but stop and analyze this within yourself deeper. The last time you were asked this question, how did you respond? Did you feel heard? Felt? Seen? Did you feel any true connection or concern coming from the asking party or did you feel as though you and the other side had fulfilled a obligation of some sort in the brief inquiry? The last time you asked this question of someone did you get the response you had hoped for and was good with it so left it at that surface inquiry or did you hear a lack of integrity from the person asked? Did you hear their programmed answer and take it to a deeper level where you opened the door to real authentic love and empathy? If you did this did you hold space for the other person or did you open that door with a need to prove that you could “fix” them or show them the right path. What was YOUR underlying agenda in the inquiry no matter how deep you chose to take it?
Communication; Heart-felt and accepted communication is what we are all craving and yet we are scared shitless of embracing. We become involved in many relationships in our life times and even in the most committed, loving and connected ones we prevent this from happening. We fall prey to our programming and to our egos. Perhaps it is because we know that opening this doorway is like opening Pandora’s Box. Once opened we in truth are forever changed and we run the risk of looking silly, weak, psychologically messed up, selfish, insecure, possibly even suicidal if we really got down to the nitty gritty in some cases. We run into the possibility of sharing more of ourselves then we ever have trusted share before and this may cause our friend, lover, family member to shut down because they are not equipped with the skills and the maturity to hear our truth. Perhaps it is because we are all walking around with some amount of shame and distrust. We have been told from a young age to suck it up, that sharing these shadow lands of our internal selves is not healthy and it is actually selfish. We are told over and over again that emotion is meaningless, it is something that we need to learn to control and not embrace. We are told to hold it in, suppress it and move forward. Our society is programmed to believe that any emotional state of being that “Is NOT Okay,” is ill, wrong and should be suppressed in any way possible. Even medicated. But does this mean that it is right?
When we block one emotional state and stop living in heart integrity we naturally start blocking others. In what can be a very short period of time we find ourselves completely masking life, our hearts, our souls and all that we have to offer. Our love even becomes muted and you can feel or see the radiant light that was once present draining away from our living corpse. Our relationships, no matter how intimate become distant and we find ourselves alone, prisoners in this thing called life that we have no understanding of really.
Over and over again, I have heard from couple’s, especially men:
“She use to smile so much. Her smile could light up a room, if only she would do that now.”
“ When __________ is turned on she is the most extraordinary woman I have ever seen, I wish I knew how to get her into that state more.”
“She use to be so happy.”
“ I miss us talking about everything. I use to think that together we could do anything in this world, but that was then. Reality has set in and life is hard. We were young and dumb.”
“ People change. I don’t make her happy anymore.”
“I wish she could share with me more.”
“I don’t think she loves me anymore.”
“ I wish we could just talk without her getting so over emotional.”
“Women are too emotional. Your hormones mess everything up, we men cannot take what you say, do or are acting like for reality. I wish women could just be more stable minded.”
On the reverse I hear:
“ He use to make me smile in how he handled everything and supported me.”
“I wish he would just open up and share what is bugging him so much instead of ignoring me.”
“ I know he knows that we have not been right for some time now, but he won’t hear me out.”
“ I feel so alone.”
“Its just my hormones that are acting up. (It’s my period, I just got over my period, I am going through the change of life, I have the baby blues, etc)”
“It’s this new medication I am on.”
“I wish we could talk and he would just let me cry if I needed.”
These are all common statements made and felt. How sad it is that on both sides of the coin we feel a responsibility, a shame, a deep longing even to have more, embrace more but allow our egos to prevent the beauty of this soul communication by making us believe that if we express these “meaningless” emotions that we will sacrifice our relationship, ourselves and our image. If we open Pandora’s Box we are weak and immature, we are not cut out for this thing called life because the successful are strong and emotionless.
By opening this box though we do run the risk of seeing other souls at a deeper level and connecting with them in the space that they are at, we possibly may fall more in love with them, ourselves and with life by allowing both their humanness and our own to be revealed. We also run the risk of walking in a land that we have not traveled before ever or very much and see aspects of ourselves mirrored back at us that we are not fully ready to accept and heal. We may be asked to hold space or to support this other soul in a way that we are uncomfortable with. There may be nothing in return for us by opening at this level except a pain in our heart center that we cannot explain but feel great alignment with and wish we had someone that could hold this space for us.
Our interconnectedness as humans is amazing, but the interconnected, soul lessons that we are blessed with at a greater depth with those that we are physically connected to (our children, lovers, parents, siblings and close friends) are all the more intense. Our egos would have us believe that we should ignore and close ourselves off to even these people but is this the right and healthy thing to do or just the easy way out?
The next time you ask someone, “Are you okay?” Stop and ask if you are really ready to hold space for this person and whatever their truth is? Ask yourself if you are ready to inquire deeper when they give you the socially acceptable and expected answer of, ‘yes, I am okay.”? If you are not ready to do these two things, then DON’T ask. Smile at them, take a deep breath and walk away or ask a different surface question that will allow for idle communication without soul depth. If you choose to ask this question, be willing to embrace the other soul without judgment the best you can. Go as deep as you can with them in the moment. Know that most of us have never been allowed to express or experience deep communication and sharing and even though we crave it like the air we breathe, we will attempt over and over again to shut down the valves so that we won’t get hurt. Fear will be standing guard and the one who is being inquired of will look for ANY reason, any disconnect, any distance or fear within the inquirer to support the shut down. Past programs will be running at high speed in these intimate times and if a trigger is engaged you may have to recalculate, breathe and even allow for space to form to a degree before going deeper.
True authentic communication and acceptance is NOT easy or without risk. It takes a deep love and courage on both sides to reveal and be revealed into so much nakedness of self.
Do you have what it takes to love or be loved at this level?
I dislike the term “masturbation,” which comes from the Greek root word to “self pollute.” I prefer self pleasuring. Only through self pleasuring can we discover what our bodies are capable of and what really pleases — or pleasures — us. Without that knowledge, we can never let our partners know what we want or what we need to be pleasured by them.
Historically, the United States Patent Office has had over 900 applications for anti-masturbation devices for men. One of those devices even included sandpaper gloves which were meant to prevent nocturnal emissions in young men. Conversely, with the exception of chastity belts, there are few devices to prevent female masturbation – the thought being, of course, is that women neither masturbate nor enjoy sex. YES, THEY DO!
The only things preventing women from enjoying a pleasurable sexual relationship are lack of knowledge of their own bodies; partners who are poorly educated in female pleasure or who simply refuse to give up control; and/or an unwillingness or inability to communicate what they want or need from partners. With self pleasuring, women can acknowledge all orgasms before climax and bring that knowledge to their lovemaking with their partners.
The dichotomy is that we are told not to touch “down there.” As old myths fall we now know that self pleasuring is healthy and constructive. It enhances pleasure when intimate with a partner and adds to mutual pleasuring. YES, it’s ok to reach “down there” and assist a partner in pleasuring you.
Some experience their first, and often multi, orgasms with the aid of a vibrator. Pleasure devices have been around since ancient times such as Ben Wa balls, which are now replaced with cordless vibrators. The use of a vibrator to explore one’s body for pleasure is recommended; however, it is never a replacement for lovemaking. One person said they didn’t want a vibrator because “it’s not warm and it doesn’t hug me.” The key point is the more you know about your body, the more pleasure is available to you, and your partner as well.
For men, self pleasuring allows for extended erections and delay of orgasms. Often vibrators extend lovemaking and avoid premature ejaculation. Simply by stroking without allowing ejaculation, men can learn to last longer and longer in their lovemaking.
Although couples can pleasure themselves in front of each other as foreplay or as a learning experience, self pleasuring is different. It is the only time you get to make love to someone you really love — no one can pleasure you like you! Even as you tell your partner how to pleasure you, and he or she pleasures you, it is different. Not better, just different.
Have fun, explore, be pleasured!
Nationally renowned author, teacher, lecturer and inventor Dr. Stuart Bloch, DD, PhD, ChT is one of the nation’s leading experts on sex and sexual relationships. He is the founder of The Institute for Sexual Awareness (www.isasex.org), a research and educational trust whose purpose is to educate people to have more pleasure and satisfaction in relationships. This article is based on Dr. Bloch’s new book, “Conversations with the World’s Greatest Lover” found on Amazon.com.
Sometimes you have to question the reasoning that people have to allow for such improper events to occur. What am I speaking of? Parenting choices and the personal level of respect that we help our children to have for themselves. As a mother myself this very thought topic effects many of my choice’s day to day. What sort of example am I setting for them? How do they perceive my happiness, comfort in self, self-esteem and love of self? Are they seeing a strong, morally sound, well centered, loving woman or are they seeing an ill, repressed, confused, emotionally unstable, blaming woman who cannot get through her own garbage?
The fact of the matter in my life is that I have come to a state of being where I am who I am in each moment. I am an emotional creature as god wired me so, but I am not quick to erupt or tormented by past traumas that I cannot seem to release to the shadows of a time gone by and lessons learned. The harmony outside of my physical body stems from the inner peace, self-love, acceptance and realization that reality is what it is in the present moment. I have learned through the course of time and many harsh lessons that I am perfect and divine just the way I am and in however I choose to show up in the moment. There is no need to make apologies for being. This is what I hope to share with my children, peace, acceptance and self awareness. But how do we share these lessons? How do we make certain that we are walking the walk of the internal guru? How do we really know that our children see and hear these valuable life models of being?
Let me share a story.
“It was a cold dreary day and the power kept resetting as the storm blew through causing our clocks to be off by who knows how many minutes. Mornings are always a quick moving, testing time within my home as three of my children have to be awoken from their slumber, eat breakfast, get lunches made, signatures in planners and the biggest ordeal, their shoes on. Like all mornings this was happening except with the time being wrong, we ran late and I decided that I would drive them the two blocks in the rain and wind instead of them getting cold and soaked as well as any later by walking. We get to the school and they say goodbye and I love you as they slam the car doors shut and make a mad dash to the front doors of the school. Just then my attention goes from mommy mode and taxi driver to a deep breath. As I inhaled my ears opened and I tuned into the radio station that was playing in the car. The hosts on the station were having a deep conversation about some of the current events happening in some of our local schools. They were sharing that a few middle schools and even a high school (I think) were passing new dress codes, as the schools had come to the conclusion that yoga pants should not be allowed to be worn as every day dress.
One male host shared his take that the parents allowing their daughters to wear yoga pants were just trying to be “cool parents” instead of instilling in their child a proper way of dressing and how when one dresses in this uncouth manner (yoga wear/exercise wear/COMFORT wear) that they are actually causing issues for others. The focus was not on the girls comfort and ability to JUST BE THEMSELVES but on how the boy’s in school were being tormented by the yoga booties and that girls need to take full responsibility for the boy’s reactions. “
What about jeans?
Who remember’s the perfectly fitting, beautiful ass showing Rocky Mountain Jeans from the 80’s?
Okay, so I get that I am not the average parent or individual for that matter in my viewing of things and how I process what the world brings to me. I get that I am far more open and a realist to life when it comes to everything especially my children and them growing up. But seriously, this whole talk seemed to be on shaming young women ages 11-18 for wearing yoga pants. And to this the shame that is being bestowed on this group of young women carries out into the world to ALL women. And effects ALL males.
My questions to this topic of shameful yoga bootie are:
Is there anything that does not turn on or side track a young man when he is in his hormone high season?
What is more empowering to young men and women: teaching that someone else is responsible for our thoughts, feelings and actions (thus happiness or lack thereof) or that we are the creators of our inner world, it is OUR choice to focus on what thought, feeling or action we have or make?
Is socially shaming anyone or a group for something really benefiting the morality of the whole?
If a woman or girl who is wearing “yoga pants” is raped or sexually assaulted should we let the poor blinded boy/man off the hook because it was actually the girls fault?
By shaming a young woman for this or a young man for something else are we really creating a healthy sexual future for this person(s)?
If we allow tank tops, tighter fitting t-shirts, yoga pants, or whatever else comes up to be illegal attire for everyday wear for young women because it side tracks the boys then should we also start having young women bind their bosoms so that their forming breasts do not side track the young men?
How about we just cover young developing women up from head to toe; only allowing their eyes to be revealed so that the boys can learn how to suppress and get a grip on their hormones and desires?
The fact of the matter here is we exist in a sexually repressed culture. One where more and more people are turning inward and shutting down. Depression, anxiety, sexual issues, mental illness, anger, fatigue, and dis-ease are all at an all time high. More and more cases of people suffering from being bipolar, ADD, ADHD, and stress induced illnesses are being reported. Sexual crimes and abuse in many fashions are also growing at phenomenal rates. Our fear for the young women in yoga pants is that they will fall prey to someone who has not learned how to deal with their sexuality in a healthy fashion. We also fear that if young men are surrounded by too much mental stimulation that they will burst and become one of these ill acting sexually challenged souls.
As parents, teachers and a society we want the best for our youth but we really have no clue of how to create it. The reason for this is because we are all victims raised by victims and has been programmed to believe that our sexuality is the source of all evil. Okay so maybe you were taught that money was the source of all evil, well money and sexuality is what causes ALL the worlds’ pain, suffering and demise. MmmmHmmmm! Sure.
Pain, suffering, ill behaviors, war, terror, rape, and more are all caused not by money and sexuality but by power hungry ego thoughts that manifest into actions of control. When we start to believe that someone else is responsible for making us happy, providing for our love, our bliss, our stress release and that if they do not do the right things and give us what we “need” then they are causing us suffering in some fashion so we have to TAKE it or at least try taking it (forcing our will onto another), we have the true culprit of suffering.
By teaching our young male population that a girl should not do this, say that, wear this, listen to that or act some certain way we are in fact teaching the young male population that their thoughts and actions should be based on what someone else is “causing” them to feel or think. This is not being proactive for the self. We are also sending mixed teachings to young men saying that it is okay for a man to speak, do, act, go topless, etc. But not a female, thus teaching that man rules woman. In the same essence we tell boys to respect women and treat them like ladies, yet we pump our media, games and movies full of the reverse. We worry about young men seeing a girl in yoga pants and a t-shirt at school and getting a hard on but we have no worries about the porn he has on his phone, his computer or the virtual women he is in combat with that are almost naked and portraying women in a plastic sense. We tell young men to not act on their sexual desires as they are sinful or sex is only for marriage or a committed relationship, that masturbation is nasty or dirty, yet when we walk into a store or turn on the TV we are bombarded with sexual advertising and shows and games that show the opposite. The same goes for young women.
The policy change on yoga pants for some schools will not prevent boys from being sidetracked or have sexual desires and act on them, but these policies will go to feeding the sexual shame and repression that so many women suffer from. The next generation will have one more lashing of shame to overcome. Sadly the young men of today who are being tormented by this shameful yoga ass will in future years be tormented in a much more severe way. That once hot yoga ass girl will not be able to open up to deep loving penetration and orgasm with her lover because through the years the suppression of who she was and the ability to be comfortable in herself and in the pants she chose to wear will cause her to block physical and emotional feeling. She will need healing for shame and taught how her sexuality is empowering not sinful. That is IF she awakens to why she feels so lost, so ill, repressed, confused, emotionally unstable, blaming and possibly even suicidal. IF she can find the courage 20-30 years down the road to deal with her garbage that was tossed into her youth by a sexually repressed and ill society.
Some do, most don’t. Welcome to the world of pharmaceutical drugs, street drugs, alcohol, 70% divorce rates, affairs, domestic abuse and emotional whirl-winds!!!!