Men Who Can’t Lead and Women Who Can’t Submit

GIVE ME YOUR POWER.
I AM THE MAN AND WHAT I SAY GOES.
 
Another laughable topic of today’s time.
The man who acts like this and believes that he is worthy of respect,
worthy of being followed is a MOFO FOOL.
 
I was speaking with a couple of my female clients over the last few weeks about this topic.
 
The topic of LETTING YOUR MAN LEAD,
and actually SUBMITTING ( following) his lead.
 
It’s hard in today’s time to follow our men,
am I right ladies?
 
Multiple things are at play.
 
First being that we woman have been scorned and hurt so much,
our trust has been breached so damn much that we just are no longer willing to keep opening up our hearts and lives to men who do not have our own best interest in mind.
 
And we simply have come to terms with the fact that we are strong AF and don’t really need a man.
 
ESPECIALLY, if he is just going to use us and toss away or lie to us.
 
For us women, we know we can get the sex we may want pretty easily, granted we get that it won’t be as deep or intimate as we may hunger for,
but it still can be damn good and 80% of our sexual needs met.
And when we are in control of it, then we can get it with limited to no emotional damage.
As for needing a man for money…
yeah well #1, most women today pride themselves in making good money and not needing a man to take care of them that way, we don’t want to owe any man anything so that he can hold it over our head and demand from us what we don’t trust to give or feel like giving.
#2, those who do choose to let men finance them typically have figured out how to be the puppeteers of the men by using sex to get what they want and they have no respect or loyalty to the dude, they just look at it as though its commerce and the guy is damn lucky to be getting it at whatever cost it is.
#3, those who are “in a committed relationship and with kids,” well they bounce between heart and fear of messing up their babies lives with a separation so plot for empty nest times and just put their heads down and wait.
 
The second biggest reason we women can’t submit to men of today is that men don’t have a clue what leadership is in relationship.
 
I tell men all the time that they need to led and they respond back with,
 
” I try but she won’t let me.”
” I don’t know how to do that.”
“I do lead, I am the man and she knows it.”
 
The first statement here is two sided,
men you need to be a man that is worthy of be followed first. That means you need to know yourself,
trust yourself,
be capable of making decisions,
and make consistently good choices.
It means that you need to be a man of your word.
It means that you need to be compassionate and understanding.
It means that you need to take responsibility for your wrongs.
It means that you need to KNOW that you are not always right and that’s okay.
It means that you need to have PURPOSE outside of your woman, money, playtime or even work. ( What is your life mission statement men?)
 
But ladies,
we have to learn how to soften ourselves and offer our men an opportunity to do all these things too. We can’t run around shooting them in the knee over everything and getting pissed that they are trying.
 
We have to open up our hearts just a bit and give them an opportunity to touch them with their desire, love and ideas.
 
We have to drop the tough cookie roles and lean in and let our men practice being a gentlemen.
 
We have to allow and even ask for our needs to be met.
We have to stop telling men what we think they should hear and instead speak our integrity to them, tell them the truth, but tell them in compassion.
 
Ladies we have to WANT to attract a better quality man into our lives and know we are worthy of it.
 
The second statement above,
well guys re-read what I just wrote there!
 
Got it?
Got it?
 
I sure AF hope so.
 
And now the third statement above.
 
“I do lead, I am the man and she knows it.”
 
This is NOT leadership.
This is control.
This will not gain you respect, loyalty or love.
And a strong, confident, intelligent woman will NEVER desire this sort of man.
 
We don’t want to babysit our men.
We don’t want to raise you, that was your mama’s job.
But we sure AF don’t want to be owned by you either.
 
This sort of attitude just show’s how damn insecure you are.
How much you NEED someone else to bow before you to make you feel worthy, strong, powerful.
 
This is not real leadership or even real power.
 
This is weakness and ego.
And the women of today can smell this shiz a mile away.
 
The issue with today’s relationships….
with today’s men and women…
 
Is simple.
 
Men have not properly been taught how to be respectful,
men have not been taught how to know their own worth,
they have not been taught how to love, self or other.
Men have no clue what leadership is.
Men have no idea about life purpose.
And most of you men out there DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
 
Lost sheep in a big world where you were never initiated into your man-hood.
 
Instead were told to take, to belittle, to guilt, to retract your love, to be in ego, to play games and that women were not to be trusted.
 
The masculine is lost.
But so is the feminine.
 
Ladies, its time for us to love our men who are trying.
Show appreciation for the men who work at being gentlemen.
Don’t fight them,
but instead support them.
Don’t instantly jump to the conclusion that all men are trying to hurt us, use us or want something from us.
Ladies, receive the compliment with a THANK YOU.
Let him hold your door open.
Ask a man for help in putting a case of water in your grocery store cart.
Smile at a random stranger.
 
By us women knowing our worth and loving ourselves,
by us women speaking our truth in compassion instead of a power struggle,
we will teach the men.
 
And men GROW THE F-ck UP!
And stop making excuses.
Figure out WHO YOU ARE.
 
Every woman LOVES and DESIRES a man on fire,
who has purpose, confidence and passion for his life and KNOWS himself.
 
This is a man who can LEAD the strongest of women.
 
As Always.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to level up your relationship and learn how to be a leader as a man? Message me for deet’s on my global private coaching today.
 
Today’s musing inspired by
 
Michael Baisden Live

Forced Consent is Not Authentic Consent.

You can’t touch this….
Touch.
Hands on attention.
Something that is so needed,
so human, so intimate and connective.
 
Yes touch is something beautiful.
Unless it is not wanted.
Unless it is given when it is not appropriate.
Unless it is out of one’s boundaries or it is forced upon someone.
 
And it is this final statement that I want to address today.
As a woman who has experienced her fair share of trauma,
and speak about the healing process,
the psychological issue around and how to best prevent further trauma in life,
It has come to my attention over the last week the power of touch, yet again.
 
The same touch that can show love can also trigger fear.
Our hands and fingers can open in a hug and give one with deep care and no desire to harm another,
these same hands and fingers can penetrate another person with fear and trigger old wounds as well as cause new ones with the same action of a hug.
 
How can that be?
How is it possible?
Does that mean that we should just not touch anyone?
Yet here we are a touch deprived society.
Hungry for touch and the fact that we are so deprived has us uncertain as to what is healthy and what is not,
because we are deprived and not taught proper respect and boundaries,
permissions and body language signs,
because we want what we want and tend to overlook another person’s feelings or obvious gestures of not wanting to be touched,
we push ourselves onto others with great disregard to what we may actually be triggering in them or re-anchoring from a past wound.
 
Touch can be healing,
but it can also be harming.
 
Outside of the harmful touch of physical abuse which is what you may think when you read the words of touch can be harmful,
it can still be harmful with a loving, caring, even playful touch.
 
I will bring to the attention what our society is being taught.
 
Recently in America we have dealt with the conversation of touch with our very president being captured stating:
 
“Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
 
This is an extreme statement about touch.
About taking what you want with disregard to another human being. And I see the fall out of this statement in many relationship scenarios from parenting to lovers,
from friends to colleagues.
 
Every time we ask our child for a hug or a kiss and they say “no” and we respond with,
“Come on, mommy/daddy need’s a hug.”
” Give me hug and then you can go.”
“I will give you this if you give me a hug or a kiss.”
 
We are disrespecting our child’s space and answer.
We are teaching our child that it is okay to ignore a “no” and to even try and bribe, guilt or push further for what you want with total disrespect to another’s desire, boundary or need.
 
This then translates to adults who believe that it is okay to push for what they want with a spouse or partner.
 
It translates to adults who do not respect the space, time or feelings of another in any relationship situation.
 
It translates to adults who do not take responsibility for their actions, as they feel that they are doing what they are doing out of a “good” place or a “just or deserving” place, as though they have the right when in fact they do not,
and that no matter how good or right our actions may be,
if they are harming toward another’s boundaries or desires then we need to pause and respect what we are being told or what we are witnessing in energy,
body language coming from another person.
 
Touch.
It is so very powerful.
And our boundaries around it can ebb and flow within any relationship and moment by moment in our lives.
A touch that felt good yesterday may very well close us down to connection the next.
 
And the thing to remember about touch is that it extends past the physical.
 
Touch is about how we touch another person.
 
We can touch another person with our physical body,
we can touch them with our words,
we can touch them with the look from our eye’s,
the expression on our face.
We touch other’s all the time.
How you touch them is the question that I encourage you to review in your life today?
 
Are you honoring and respectful?
Do you listen to their body language as well as their words?
Can you hear their truth and accept it just as that,
without needing approval from them or needing a reason as to why they think, feel or need what they need?
 
Or are you operating from a place of self-centeredness?
A place of need and hunger?
 
When you are in relationship with anyone,
no matter the intimacy level or actual label on the relationship,
do you give…
do you touch…
do you speak…
do you act…
out of the place of unconditional respect and love or are you wanting something and wanting to feel a certain way,
with the belief that if this other person “supports” (gives) you what you are wanting by allowing you to act, speak, give, touch, etc… the way that you deem good in that moment,
that this is what “should” happen and it is “okay” because that is just the way that you want it to be?
 
We are all guilty of ignoring another and insisting that they feel or think a way that we want them too instead of how they may actually be feeling or thinking.
 
We are all guilty of wanting something from another at times.
We are all guilty of missing ques in body language or tones, even not hearing words fully and crossing over boundaries.
We are all guilty of being self-centered.
 
No one wants to feel rejected.
No one wants to feel like they have hurt someone that they care for.
 
The reality is that when in relationship,
we will hurt those we care for.
We will not always be present with them.
And we will have hidden expectations if nothing else that we are not aware of that may cause issues along the path.
 
But if we want to act out of love,
if we want to be emotionally mature,
and trustworthy,
if we want to expand and deepen a relationship,
then each of us MUST take responsibility for how we choose to touch those around us.
 
With our words.
With our physical bodies.
With our looks.
With our expectations.
And assumptions.
 
And we must learn to respect the “No” without question of why.
 
Because no one owes you an explanation of why they are feeling any way,
just like you do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you think or feel any particular way either.
 
But to push your will on another,
is a breaking of truth,
it is dishonoring to the relationship and to both parties in relationship,
and it shows the desperation of one’s need and lack of actual care for another.
Making it detrimental to the relationship.
 
Pay attention to what you are seeing,
to what you feel coming from another person,
not not what you want to feel or see.
 
Realize that your truth about any particular thing may not be the same as another’s and if you are interacting with another person you NEED their consent to involve them.
 
How are you toughing those in your life today?
 
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Let’s get you to your desired F-ck YES! NOW.
Applications for 1:1 available for a limited time. Message me for application.

WHAT YOU WANT YOU CAN’T GIVE 100% OF THE TIME.

You know what you are looking for in your life?
You know what you are wanting in your relationships?
 
It’s the very thing that is so hard to give.
We all have trouble offering it 100% of the time.
And in truth we simply will never be it 100%.
 
We can’t be it all the time,
because we are works in progress,
always getting to know ourselves a tad bit deeper.
And it is a scary ground to walk on.
But geeze do our souls desire it so.
 
What could I be speaking of beautiful?
 
Well its not more sex.
It’s not even love.
It’s not a pat on the back.
Or more money.
 
No.
 
The thing that we often desire is a little thing that you can not hold in your hands,
you can feel with your skin,
you cannot guarantee ever.
But you want it.
You want it, this I am sure.
 
That thing I speak of beautiful is:
 
TRUTH.
INTEGRITY.
HONESTY.
AUTHENTICITY.
 
So often I hear people say,
” I am an honest person.”
 
” All I want is to know the truth.”
” I hate drama and manipulation.”
” I am a person of their word.”
” I am just being me.”
 
Mmmm- Hmmmmm….
 
Is that so?
Is that true?
 
Perhaps it may feel that way to you.
And perhaps you may actually believe that you are.
And in many moments you most likely are.
But today I offer up the pondering of the possibility that maybe, just maybe you are not as authentically honest and truthful as you believe you are.
 
Perhaps you are human,
just like the rest of us out here.
Perhaps you are on a journey to discover who you are and even though you think you know,
you still find yourself waking up to new aspects of who you actually are each time the shiz hits the fan and you are triggered.
 
Every time someone asks something of you and you make an excuse.
Every time, someone shares something with you in confidence and you share it just once with this good friend over here.
Every time you get triggered and your words escape your mouth before you have thought them through.
Every time you blame and point that finger.
Every time you weep in feeling you are alone and story tell to yourself the lies that support.
Every time someone does not react the way that you desire and so you say something to make them change their mind…
 
Yes every time.
 
Every time you tell your lover something that is not true.
Every time you look down from yourself in the mirror.
Every time you shut down your heart from feeling what you said.
Every time YOU ARE ASKED TO STEP UP and speak your truth.
 
Oh, beautiful every time.
 
These are all moments when we choose to step back from that which we desire so deeply to have.
 
And by stepping back from our own truth,
we lean just a tad into that vibe of illusion.
And we lie to ourselves.
We lie to others as well.
It often feel’s so small,
it should not matter.
But each time we step away from our truth,
we close off AUTHENTIC COMMUNICATION.
 
We shut ourselves down to love.
Because often beautiful,
in moment like these,
love is there.
Just on the other side of our illusions,
where we choose to lift our head,
say no to the ego of trying to get out of something or to manipulate.
 
Yes on the other side we find love.
We find freedom.
We find confidence.
And we regain trust.
 
You will never be a trustworthy person if you cannot stand in your own integrity,
even when you have fallen,
to stand in integrity is to give yourself grace enough to say,
“I was wrong.”
 
Where have you stepped away from that which you desire so much?
 
And how can you step back into authentic relating with those you love and care for?
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Let’s get you to your desired F-ck YES! NOW.
Applications for 1:1 available for a limited time. Message me for application.

STOP BEING A YES WHORE.

[jwplayer mediaid=”10519″]

STOP BEING A YES WHORE.

Wow! Kendal that is a harsh statement for a Friday morning.

What do you mean by, “Yes Whore?”

You are guilty beautiful of doing just this.
I am guilty too.
There is not a soul on this planet that has not fallen into the illusion of being a yes whore and believing that it is the road to our happiness.

Every time you say YES to someone and you actually mean NO, you are in an essence whoring yourself out and dishonoring self and the relationship that you are YESSING all over.

Every time that inauthentic YES pops out of your mouth and you find yourself swallowing your own needs, desires, ideas, and value because you feel that you “should” do this or that to be a nice person, to be helpful, to offer support, to show you love, etc. etc.

You sabotage yourself!
You sabotage the relationship.
And you loose respect.

I have been in the business of relationship coaching in one facet or another for two decades now and the one thing that I hear repeatedly is, ” I can’t say no, that would be mean.”

“He is my husband… I love him, I can’t say no.”
“She is so sweet and working so hard, she needs this/needs me… I can’t say no.”
“They are really struggling right now, I can’t say no.”
“They need me.”
“I don’t know how I am going to do it but I can’t say no.”

And following these wonderful words of what seem’s like love and support come…

” I am so exhausted, I just don’t have anything left to give, why can’t they/he/she see that?”

“I just feel like a all people ever want me for is ___________________.”

“You know, I have had it… I have been busting myself open here, doing everything I can, to show how much I care and I ask for one small thing and get told no after everything that I have done.”

“Doesn’t he/she see that I really don’t want to do that/feel like it?

“I would be all alone if I said what I really want or need.”

These and so many other things in so many subjects of our lives.

Just think about all the moments that you actually wanted to respond with NO but opted to say yes because you did not want to hurt the relationship, the other persons feelings or damage your value in the relationship.

Think of all those moments that if you get real with yourself you answered YES because you were answering out of fear and/or lack of self-worth.

Well you see beautiful,
these are the times that you were whoring yourself out.

There is no honor or respect in being out of integrity and not being honest with your answer.

You answered YES in exchange for something that you wanted or needed. You put little value on what is so precious and worth so much in hopes that you could,
if but only for a short time,
buy someones love, time, appreciation,
so that you would feel good.

But the funny thing is,
much like a whore who is just selling off their sex and not looking for anything real, lasting or of value,
you find yourself having to consistently whore yourself out to the point of being used up just to get a taste of what you are actually wanting.
And much like the client of the whore who is trying to fill a void and is just buying the illusion of the intimacy and connection,
you are finding yourself feeling used, abused and alone.

The relationships that you are doing this with are the relationships that you need to GET REAL with yourself on.

If you want to experience true happiness.
If you want to be respected.
If you want to have that soulmate relationship based in love,
if you want to feel supported, safe, understood,
If you want to stop questioning yourself and the relationships that you have,
and just BE YOU-
and THRIVE.

if you want that F-ck YES! Life…

Well is starts by you STOPPING YOURSELF FROM BEING A YES WHORE.

The ONLY person you need to answer YES to ALWAYS….

Is YOU.

And you see, if you answer yes to you 100% of the time,
you will find that you will be living authentically and in integrity.
And guess what that means beautiful?

It means you will gain trust, respect, real love and support.
It means that you will NOT ALWAYS make someone else happy,
that you will respect and love yourself enough to know that you are not responsible for anyone else’s emotional response, mental thoughts or even physical actions.
It means that you will no longer be enabling another’s victim mindset in their unconscious maneuver to control you and feel loved themselves.

It means that you will be one step closer to manifesting the life that you are worthy of.

So Stop Being a YES WHORE and Release Yourself from That Which Binds You.

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Been thinking about your happiness and success?
Wanting to SAY YES! To Yourself?
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Let Your Light Shine Mama!!!!

Motherhood.
Woman-hood.
Womb-man-hood.
 
We are creators.
We are lovers.
We are sensual and strong.
Vulnerable and edgy.
Nurturing is at our core.
As divine creators of miracles,
of life itself we tap into the energy of the universe and we become one with God in these moments.
But we can access this power every day of our lives, beautiful!
 
I see so many women in this world, shutting themselves off from the juiciness that is theirs for the enjoyment.
Fearing that if they allow themselves to be seen,
to be heard and experienced as the sensual women that they long to be,
that they will be perceived as something that they have no desire be.
 
The trauma and pain that is held within the female mass ego is something that needs light revealed upon it. It is not just something of this day and age but of the last few thousand years.
 
But beautiful, it is up to you and I and all of our sister’s to heal the mass ego of women.
 
We do this by taking on the mission within ourselves first. We do this with our desire to have a F-ck YES! Life.
To let our purpose shine bright.
To let our divine feminine energy flow in it’s own unique authentic way.
We do this by letting our music, our talents, our voices, our love be seen and felt.
 
When we step into being our AUTHENTIC RADIANT SELVES we shine bright.
 
The world, other women even, may try and cause us to doubt, to hide this beauty but it just the mass ego’s pain and fear protecting itself. In an attempt to protect us, and not realizing that it is hindering and hiding our greatness, our power.
 
We DO NOT GAIN OUR POWER by destroying the masculine.
We do not recover who we are by male bashing.
We do not make what has been wrong right by doing what has been done in return.
 
No.
 
We help our men by raising them in respect.
We help change our world by teaching both our daughters and son’s that we are all humans and deserving of respect and love. We teach our youth to love themselves and to love others. This is spoken of but not lived, therefore not experienced or taught.
 
Remember that words do not teach.
Experience does.
 
To heal our world,
we must heal both feminine and masculine.
We must exhibit self- love and respect.
We must respect our differences.
We learn to speak our truth.
Our needs, our boundaries and honor another’s as well.
This does not mean to give what is not in alignment to self.
It means to simple see another for the beautiful soul that they are,
the path they are on,
the healing that they need.
And support them by being authentically us.
Standing firm in WHO YOU ARE.
 
 
 
Today is mothers day.
Whether you are a mommy or not,
this message goes out to you beautiful.
This message is about YOU.
It is a CALL TO ACTION to step the f-ck up and NEVER DIM YOUR LIGHT!
 
It is a CALL TO YOUR SOUL –
to scream your worth,
to claim who you are,
to never lean away in fear of yourself.
To keep expressing.
To keep being beautiful in all the ways that you are.
Do not hide.
Do not feel shame or guilt.
In who you are.
 
Allow yourself to be soft.
To be powerful.
Allow yourself to receive.
The abundance,
the love,
the blessings.
They are all around you lovely.
Open and receive them.
 
Only your shut down blocks them.
 
It is time for YOU BEAUTIFUL to STEP INTO WHO YOU ARE.
 
Don’t accept the excuses,
the reasons or fears,
turn away from the doubt.
 
You ROCK!
You are WORTHY.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
 
This world NEEDS YOUR POWER and INFLUENCE.
 
Authentically Be You.
 
And remember,
Stop Existing & Start Living!
 
Happy Mother’s Day to everyone! This morning I woke up with an even BIGGER desire to GIVE.
I want all of you lovely women to be able to do the inner work, the mindset training and abundance training.
You are so deserving of greatness beautiful!
 
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Not Your Average Joe – Tantric Skills for Men
His, Hers and Ours
It’s Complicated for Couples
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This Man in My Bed.

The man in my bed. 
He is like no other man that has graced my sheets with splendor.
He is like no other man who has captured my essence, 
if for a flicker in time. 
He is like no one before him who thought they could penetrate my soul while f-cking my body.

No.

This man in my bed is for sure like no other.

I could tell you it’s in his moans, 
its in the way his tone changes during our sexing.
I could tell you that it’s about how he holds me, 
how he takes my hand firmly to let me know he is leading.
I could tell you its about how he tells me what he wants, 
how he wants me to wrap myself around him, 
to open to him more, 
I could tell you that its about how he massages my cervix, 
and knows how to move just right.

Sure I could say all of that, 
but none of that would be true.

The man in my bed. 
He is certainly like no other, 
and though his skill is far above most, 
his body pleasing to my touch and eye, 
it is not these things either.

I could tell you that its in his kiss, 
and let me assure you that I might have to sit and ponder, 
for his kiss is beyond measure.

I could tell you that its in his smooth conversation, 
in his depth, or in his knowledge.
I could tell you that its because he is a good mind f-ck, 
as he most certainly always make me think.

I could tell you that its because he makes me laugh, 
as he always puts a smile on my face.

Yes I could tell you these things, 
and they would add to the pool of reasons, 
as why he is so yummy.
But it would still not scratch the surface, 
as to why this man in my bed is like no other.

So let me tell you. 
Tell you now I will.

This man in my bed is like no other, 
he holds my respect.
he ignites my soul, 
he turns me on with his presence, 
and captivates me with his certainty.

This man in my bed, 
is like no other, 
he has me wanting more of him, 
he has me wanting to show up for him.

This man in my bed makes me want to earn him, 
all the while revealing to me how beautiful I am in his eyes.

This man, 
this man must have read my journal, 
he must have been given a copy by God, 
because as we lay here in my bed, 
I watch my desires unfold, 
they are handed to me, 
one by one, 
and as he leans over and kisses my neck, 
as he roams my flesh, 
as he whispers his desires in my ear, 
this man in my bed, 
in unaware.

He looks at me with a smirk, 
he inquires about my Mona Lisa smile, 
he knows I am hiding something, 
but how do I tell this man.

How do I tell him my truth?

And what is my truth anyway?

This man in my bed, 
he wants my love, 
he wants my mind, 
he wants my flesh, 
he wants me, 
fully.

And he wonders.

This man in my bed is like no other, 
and one day he may come to realise, 
that all that he wants is already his.

This man who holds me so perfectly, 
who I respect and admire, 
who I feel penetrated by with each word, 
with each look, 
this man, 
he is different than any other, 
and I tell you right now, 
he is very different.

I see more than this moment.
I desire the sunrise, 
and sunset, 
I desire more than a day, 
or even a month or a year. 
This man has me wanting him, 
and that does not happen with such ease.

Yet this man, 
this man in my bed, 
smooth as velvet, 
he has me wanting,

Wanting for more.

————————————————-
This goes out to all those men who want to turn their lady on, 
who want to know they are wanted, 
this goes out to all you gents who desire to conquer a woman’s heart and soul, 
and wonder why another so effortlessly might do just that. 
This goes out to you, 
you who want to fully penetrate your woman.
And question how it can be done.

Let me tell you the secret, 
that she will never confess.

Yes the answer sweet man is this, 
it’s in your lead, 
it’s about her respect, 
and how you respect her back, 
it amout how she can melt into you, 
how you carry her heart, 
and hold her in her emotions, 
its about the silent moments, 
and how present you remain, 
it’s about how you touch her, 
not her flesh but her mind.

Yes here is how you do it.
Here is how you make love to her. 
Learn to stroke her this way, 
whole being.
And let her open. 
And you too, ‘will have all that you want.

As Always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living

Hey there gents want to learn more about living as an extraordinary man? Want to gather the skills and confidence to show up for your woman like this?

Be that bad a*s man that you know that you are, 
but have told not to reveal to this world?

Yes, I am talking to you. 
Come explore my 1:1 men’s private coaching
And until Christmas use code SANTAGIFT to get an additional 2-months for free. 

Respect your effing time!

Respect your effing time!
Respect your effing time!

Over and over again I am reminded of this lesson.

Through the years I have been asked why I charge for consults?

I often get asked if I can do consults with potential new clients for free or discount.

I get asked if I would consider working at discount because this is a good cause.

If I would do a favor for a friend.
Or since I am such a sweet person, do it all for free.

LOL.

It is frequently assumed that if I really want to build my business or help others build theirs that I should do the above.

WTF?

I think not.

My response on some days to this inquiry is simple:

Would you go to work and put your whole heart and soul into a job for no return?”

“Would you work for your job for free?”

Answer: NO

Then why do expect me or anyone else to do this?

The truth is. I love my career. I cannot ever see myself doing anything else. And if this world did not run on the green stuff, then I would do what I do anyway. I often tithe coaching to people who I am called to do so with, but it is soul driven, NOT requested of me.

I respect myself, my time and your journey enough to know that by taking the step forward and putting your money where your mouth is out of play, is only going to cause roadblocks down the road for you and cause respect issues as well.

———————————————————————————————

Years ago I use to do all of the above and then some.
I use to not only do free consults but I would also drive all over the Dallas area to meet these people.

I believed that I had too.
I believed that in order to build my empire I needed to stress.
I needed to put in the time.
I needed to stretch myself like this.
I had to pay the price.

Oh my f-cking God!
I was so effing wrong.

Well still today I occasionally get caught off guard.
I go and do these things.
Every now and again I find myself revising this lesson.

I should know that these maneuvers will never lead me to the life I desire nor will they help the people that look to me for direction.

Still…
The lessons need revisted I suppose.
Like today.
Here I sit at one of my favorite restaurants
Enjoying a Cucumber Basil Smash cocktail and some lobster and shrimp stuffed mushrooms.
Deciding on what to order for lunch.

(I think I am going with the lobster bisque today)

And how did I end up here.
Alone.

Well I am relearning the above lesson you see.
Yes I did a favor.

And I understand that things come up in life.
With that said,
Respect your effing time!

And mine too.

But you know what I truly think?
And feel?

Gratitude.
To be able to revisit my personal respect for myself and my most valuable treasure, my TIME.

Gratitude for being here at location I love, enjoying the food and drink I have chosen.

Gratitude that I can share with you this lesson, in hopes you can gain from it.

Gratitude that nothing ever really gets me,
Lemons to lemonade.

Here I sit.
A little behind my schedule sure.
Now with my lover,
Enjoying my drink and food on this Sunday.
And knowing that I took a disrespect of my time and turned it into an experience of bliss and positive manifestation.

Here’s to loving your life.
Here’s to honoring your time and life.

And as always,
Stop Existing and Start Living
Claim Your Life.

Join me in October for 5 weeks of intensive coaching on Facebook.
Or for my pre launch of F-ck Yes Life Entrepreneur Business.
Message me for details.
Or become a VIP 1+1client now. 

The Hidden Issues of Marriage- How Care, Respect, Interest, Play, Attention, and Power Determine Success and Failure in Our Relationships

Money, sex, in-laws, vacations, communication, children–these head the list of explicit concerns couples struggle with in their marriage. But there are deeper and more significant issues. Often these are hidden from direct discussion or awareness. Care, respect, interest, play, attention, and power are the real issues couples have. These are the themes that make for happiness or misery, that fulfill or destroy dreams. Couples who have harmony in these realms have relationships that hold together, breed vitality, and foster creativity. We are creatures driven by invisible currents, often imperceptible to the casual or the inattentive observer. A case-in-point: What may seem to be a couple’s routine argument about which movie to see may be a hidden power struggle. One partner feels that she has been capitulated too many times to her husband’s preferences, even though in a less competitive moment his first choice would also have been hers.

In this article I will define and illustrate what I consider to be six below-the-surface issues in marriage and offer observations on how we might approach consciously living-out these themes in less destructive and more positive ways.

Care

John and Sarah (All names and identifying data have been changed.) are starved for caring. John grew up in a love-deprived home without a mothering mother. His mother, in and out of mental hospitals during his childhood, looked to her elder son to take care of his three brothers. After doing his own school work, he would make sure his siblings did theirs, clean house, and make dinner for his depressed mother and his exhausted and overburdened father. His parents were so absorbed in their mental and financial survival, respectively, that they did not even thank him. His sole comfort was managing to keep a semblance of sanity in the family and save his mother some visits to the hospital. When he met Sarah, a lovely young woman with a soft voice and an appreciation for his good efforts, he was joyfully overwhelmed. Here at last was one who understood, here at last was one who wanted to create a family in which thought and feeling and aspiration could be shared and executed together. He felt cared for.

For Sarah their meeting was equally promising. She had also been brought up in a family devoid of emotion–an austere mid-western family, in which mother never hugged and father sat remotely over ceremonial occasions, but had little else to offer. Sarah suffered from diabetes and John’s sense of order promised to help her maintain a regimen for optimal health. She believed she had found the man who would warm her heart and take care of her temporal needs. They, of course, fell in love with each other–for what is “falling in love” but finding another whom we believe meets–and will continue to meet–our needs. They married and, alas, a failure of “caring” soon began.

Sarah, it turned out, notwithstanding her gentleness and eagerness to be helpful, had only a rudimentary sense of empathy for emotional nuance. She knew how to do what she believed were “caring’ behaviors, but lacked a heart that matched John’s sensibilities. In their first year of marriage John’s brother was made paraplegic in a car accident. As he lived in the same city as John, he balanced his own families needs with attending to his brother, returning to his bedside and taking on his care much as he had looked after him when he was a little boy. Sarah attempted to be supportive, but John’s absence from the home, his drives across town twice a week to fill in for the nurses, his continually being on the phone to doctors, began to sink Sarah’s heart, as she wondered what happened to the man she married. She no longer felt John’s caring.

Caring is the constant and tender ministrations that we all look for in our partners. In many couples the most fundamental question is: Does she or he care enough? How precious is the statement that “He really does care.” How poignant the transparent defensive posturing, “I really don’t care what she does.” We need for persons to intend the best for us and to have us in their minds and to carry out acts of caring. The absence of caring breeds shame and worthlessness. Explicit issues of being home for dinner when expected, taking out the garbage, driving slowly when one’s partner is anxious about speed, or speedily when one’s partner is anxious about dawdling, are not “little things” but significant carriers of caring feelings. These are as intensely important, as urgent as the deepest demands of the human heart. In fact, that’s what they are.

“I care for you.” “He doesn’t care for me.” These are among the tenderest, most sought, and most feared sentiments persons express to one another. When caring behaviors become sparse, couples are fading in their vital attachment to one another. Caring behaviors are those acts subtle or blunt by which we convey to the other that we wish his or her happiness, safety, fulfillment. It is caring to feel deeply for our partner’s most searing fears and griefs; it is also caring to listen to her talk about her high school reunion. Caring is wishing the person well and acting to back up that wish. When we care we go the proverbial extra mile. Caring also conveys, implicitly, commitment, for caring is being present to the other as long as we are needed. We “are needed” a long, long time. Few in-love couples pre-arrange their breaking-up.

Take a look at your relationship. Do your feel cared for? Do you care deeply about your mate? Talk with your partner and let him tell you how he feels. Summon the courage to hear that she may not feel nearly so cared about as your have imagined. In fact, you may have forgotten actually to care, and you may have become so used to being in an uncaring marriage that you aren’t even paying attention to the state of caring between you. Examine what has happened to your caring. Did it evaporate? Was it ever there?. How does your caring interweave with other themes of your relationship–with power and respect, for example? What do you need to do, to have your partner do, before caring can be revived? Do you need the help of a guide or therapist? Is it worth your investment of energy? Are you really serious about trying? And if so, how will you begin? How much energy will you give to realizing this possibility?

Respect

After their first idyllic months together, Ellen and Newton composed a gradual crescendo of disrespect which climaxed in a bitter divorce. What began as a story-book romance–a chance meeting in Key West where each had, uncharacteristically, taken solo vacations for introspection and R&R– she seeking refuge from an abusive marriage and he solace from a series of failed relationships. Newton was present and comforting to Ellen as she recounted the emotional and physical abuse she had suffered for years in an attempt to keep the marriage together for the sake of her children and in deference to her family’s pressure to avoid, at-all-cost, divorce.

Ellen, at first enamored of Newton’s vast intellect, and proud of his talent at engaging any person in fluent conversation, came to despise “his narrow academic interests” and his “pompous colleagues.” She deplored his long work hours and his extended field trips. She panicked about his regularly having several drinks before dinner. He showed no desire for children of their own. Fundamentally, Ellen did not respect his interests, his style, his friendships. Though she “tried” to persuade herself that she could learn to admire him, that he had a “right” to do what he did without her standing in judgment. Yet, in her soul she was negative to and threatened by many of the ways he lived.

Newton, at first attracted to Ellen because of her needfulness, after a few months of marriage began to see her less as loveably vulnerable than as one whose unhappiness was a drag on his contentment. He began to realize that he who had begun the relationship as the “white knight” for helping her escape from her unhappy and entrapped marriage had now become the oppressor. Her vulnerability became, to him, a contemptible craziness and instead of being with her in sympathy for the way the world was treating her, he became part of the world that was tormenting and abusing her.

The relationship, having made an 180 degree turn from affirmation of each other–their styles, looks, habits, values, commitments–to denigrating practically everything about one another, found itself on a steady course of decline and, eventually, divorce. To be trapped on a path where each partner judges the other as not living an admirable life is fatally demoralizing. Ellen “tried” to see Newton differently and the more she tried the more it was evident that underneath her posturing sweetness and positivity, there was repulsion. Many times Newton resolved not to attack her with “crazy-making” accusations, but when she would get upset at one of his absences or pretensions, he would forget his resolutions and “go for the gut.” Newton and Ellen had neither power, nor awareness, nor will to face straight-out that they did not admire one another. They repeatedly fought over mundane differences, ignoring the deeper angers and judgments that made them crash-bound. Hardly a marriage survives in this atmosphere; none happily. Theirs did not.

Respect means liking and affirming your partner for who he or she is in the world. Of course, being separate creatures with our own prejudices and definitions, some things about others we like, some we do not. But loving relationships that are truly satisfying are founded on mutual respect. We need to feel that others believe the attitudes we have, the professions we pursue, the charities we support, the jokes we tell are, for the most part, pleasing to them. If this is not happening, then there is a major problem brewing. People kill each other when they feel disrespected, and couples kill their marriage when disrespect prevails.

If you feel that respect in your relationship is becoming thin, take a long look at yourself and attempt to understand just how deep this disrespect goes. Have you, for some time, been feeling negative about how you partner leads her life, and have you been less than direct about it? Or perhaps you can look within yourself, at your own values. If you are failing to respect your partner, you may want to examine your behavior and see if you are emphasizing negative things to the detriment of the positive. Sometimes things are correctable, but you must address problems before the toxins of disrespect have ravaged your connection. If you want to develop respect, there is no better way to begin than frankly talking with your partner about your failings in this arena and beginning to construct a new basis for respect. If you can’t find it, then you are indeed in trouble.

Interest

A common way of describing a relationship is when persons acknowledge being “interested” in each other. “Interesting” covers a lot of territory. Though nature may have first created interest to assure replication of life, sex, recasts as interest, extends far into realms as diverse as intellectual complexity, athletic skills, winsome personality, and playing a mean game of chess. One of our strongest drives is the compulsion away from boredom. Losing interest defines depression.

Mitchell and Lori had only been married a couple of years when Mitchell lost interest. In the beginning their fascination for each other never cooled. He was strong and quiet, she, shy socially, but super-active athletically. She led him out of himself into a new world of sports and outdoors. He offered her a quiet refuge and protection from the many times she over-extended herself with activities. All went well until her job began to keep her into the evenings and weekends. He depended on her for stimulation, for keeping things going that were fun and engaging. Only a few months after Lori’s absence-making schedule began, Mitchell initiated afternoon dalliances with a coworker that quickly blossomed into a passionate affair. When Lori discovered his infidelities, the ensuing struggles, the threat of loss, and the reminder of their strong early attraction to one another reignited their desire to make a satisfying marriage.

Research indicates that affairs are seldom primarily sexually motivated. Most often they are persons’ attempts either to stimulate their life, or having lost a feeling of being desired in their relationship, discover if one can still be attractive to other partners. Nothing flattens a couples energy more than to have lost interest in one another–if the trend continues downward, persons can lose interest in being alive.

How can you make the uninteresting interesting? By paying acute attention. Anything looked at up close and personal is interesting. If something is interesting it sparks our creativity, it brings out our most primitive organismic sense of pleasure in relating to reality outside of ourselves. Interest brings us into heart and mind augmenting connection with the world. And persons are infinitely interesting for they are in continual ferment, discarding old and taking on new forms in a cacophony of novelty and growth.

Love is continually renewing interest. How many good films do you see where there is no “love interest.” (Note, “love-interest”–it’s almost a single word.) Interest is the life of relationships. Lose interest, death of the relationship. How do you retain and engender interest? By being willing to be open for it. By not expecting the other person to carry the full responsibility of being “interesting” to us. It is just as true–and perhaps a truth of more import–to say that you are responsible for your own ability to be interested. The lazy brain is the uninterested brain. Further if you are not interested you hardly accept the other as he is, for you are always looking for “something else” to carry you out of your stupor of disinterest.

Play

Play is the purest and fullest expression of joy–the most basic positive emotion. There are many forms of play. Sexuality may head the list, but not far behind is walking around the block, enjoying family rituals, laughing over the comics, watching a child grow up, matching rhythms and harmonies with one another. Play is pure; it is without pretense; it aspires to be nothing but itself. It is nature’s way of letting us know we are in the flow of experience. To play together is both to be in sync with the world and one another. We become couples, in large measure, because we play well together. Whether we are attending a lecture, going to the beach, or venturing into Eros, the compelling meeting between two persons can best be described as play. Persons are attracted to each other, not because they work well on projects together, but because they enjoy playing with one another.

When Rosemary and Spaulding met they were beautiful and talented young people who enjoyed parties, romance, and fanciful dreams of success. After their marriage they moved from a small town in the south to a large eastern city for Spaulding to attend law school. It turned out that he had talent for patent law and paternity, and before long his practice was successful and his home full. Rosemary bore five sons and gave herself to twenty years of active and consuming motherhood, along with making a home for her work-laminated husband.

Rosemary craved play. She didn’t know its name, but she knew she needed something. She tried tennis, encounter groups, therapy, religion, dancing. She discovered she liked all of them. Relieved of the demands of her large brood of children, she was ready for grown-up play. She learned to look people in the eye, talk about her feelings, claim her sexuality. She desperately wanted to engage her husband with her in her newly found playfulness. Rosemary urged, demanded that Spaulding join her, but his manner of play was to sit quietly with the newspaper, worry about the stock market, keep up with sports, and follow his sons’ progress. His games she could never play, and as for her parenting, it was time for a change of venue. She needed a playmate–i.e. a man to share with her in the new pleasure and creativity she had discovered in her life, and he hardly filled the (play)bill. For Rosemary play was the avenue to closeness and Spaulding’s inability to play with her caused a severe gap in their happiness together.

From the beginning we play. We virtually come into the world playing. Play is losing ourselves in unplanned pleasurable abandon of mind and body. Play feels good. Play expands the body, loosens the breathing, rushes the blood, releases endorphins and epinephrine and dopamine. When relationships form there’s a lot of playing. So many activities for couples are play activities. Dating, dancing, going to the movies and…sex are play. Sex is high and vital adult play; when it’s work it’s no fun. Play is an accepting activity for it exists for its own sake. This is perhaps why play often gets such a bum rap.

You and your partner probably don’t play nearly enough. As heirs of Puritanism, you may feel that everything should be “purposeful,” that present activity–even play–should be leading to something else that justifies your effort. But acceptance is not future oriented; it is receiving and enjoying with your partner what is in the present–and no activity is more “in-the-present” than play. If you can’t play, you are much too anxious about what is “not yet.” Play releases, it transcends a “not-now-consciousness” to enter an “experiencing-now-consciousness” that is pure enjoyment. Being able to share the play-moment makes you indeed partners in living life freely and for fun.

Attention

Jerry wants to be “heard.” He has countless stories about how Jennifer repeatedly paid no attention to what he told her. On the first thanksgiving visit to his uncle’s (the grand-old-man of his family) home when he implored Jennifer never to reveal that they had lived together before they were married. He knew that his bachelor uncle was notorious for his Victorian morality, which dwelt alongside a great mind and loads of money to distribute solely to his two nephews. Jennifer, after several of glasses of Chateau Rothchild, let the secret of their cohabitation slip. Uncle abruptly asked them to leave and seven years later has neither spoken to nor about them.

Jennifer’s story is of her futile attempts to have Jerry listen to her terror of his family. Again and again she had stressed to him that his family’s loud and condescending ways made her shrink with discomfort and fright. She told Jerry that the only thing that could help would be to medicate her anxiety with wine, and that she knew that she sometimes got out of control. Jerry paid little heed. Through their failure to listen attentively to each other, they lost family and inheritance… and gained anger and disappointment with each other.

From our beginnings, we must be attended to. Children not “heard,” neither mirrored not understood, whose sense-of-self is grossly handicapped by the indifference of others, literally do not survive their childhood. Did you ever speak to someone when you thought he was in the room with you, perhaps voicing a thought about a shared experience, and found he had walked out of the room leaving you talking to air. You felt disappointed, foolish, annoyed. That is what it is like not to be heard, not to be attended to. You begin to think that actually you don’t exist.

Like so many who do not feel heard, Jennifer and Jerry resort to aggressive and sometimes ruthless measures to gain attention. Jennifer demeans Jerry’s manhood, talks about old boy friends being more appealing to her than he is–“They listen”, and threatens further havoc on his family, aimed this time at his parents. Jerry scowls and yells, or alternately he takes a passive, withdrawn stance, hoping to invoke such guilt in Jennifer that she will pause and listen to his side of things. Both are so caught-up in trying to force the other to hear them, that they are like the United Sates attempting to save Vietnam by destroying it.

As a marriage therapist, I see an endless parade of persons who drag their partners to counseling with complaints about how they are not being attended to. The complaints come in many forms: not being heard or listened to, not being seen or sought out, not being thought about or remembered. All of which make the unattended-to person very insecure about whether she or he is truly valued by the other.

If you are to learn better to attend and be attended to, you must become aware that listening, indeed, is your deficiency. You need to check out your narcissism to see just how self-absorbed you are and how effectively you take in what is real about your partners. In many households, persons go weeks without ever so much as inquiring after their partners feelings or even their everyday experiences. Are you one of these? And if you feel you are rarely attended to, pay close attention to your experience, are you often wishing for more or different than your partner can give? If all else fails, ask your partner if he or she feels attended to and known. If you and she are not reassured by her response, then undertake a course of training–with friends, therapists, family, books–to see if you actually want learn and develop the courage and skill of empathy.

Power

Human beings abhor feeling “less-than.” We can’t bear for another to get the upper hand. We have many ways to even scores. The recent popularity of “First Wives Club” and “Waiting to Exhale,” gives strident witness to the “fun” and satisfaction we have in seeing others get their comeuppance when they become too powerful for the good of both partners. We fear that our partner may be ahead of (translate better than or superior to) us, or worse, that she or he may be “feeding-off” us. We attempt to correct this by conscious and unconscious balancing designed to make sure we do not end up on bottom. We work, all out, to stay on top. Case in point: Paul washes the dishes and points out to Anna that she should appreciate his efforts; he claims that what he does more than compensates for her vacuuming the house; she then agues that, not only did she vacuum but she shampooed as well and this puts her ahead….and on it goes.

There are several varieties of roles that are used in the power struggle. A couple of favorites are the victim and the saint (variations: nag and “Nice Guy,” wimp and the tyrant). The victim is always “down” and refuses to allow the other person to enjoy their “up” position. Victims blame; they invariable see the problem as the bad behavior of the other. Elizabeth is an assertive and demanding victim, as she approaches most of their talks with Brian, her husband, with a full agenda of grievances for his “failures” in treating her well. Brian is ever eager to please, but nothing he does ever seems to be enough, nothing ever seems to work. If his behaviors are “right” then his timing is “wrong.” Always, he is either agreeable or compromising, yet what he does is bumbling and only succeeds for Elizabeth half-way. If he comes home early one night, she reminds him that his job is less secure this year so he had better take no liberties; when he is late she speaks of the children feeling neglected.

Brian is the model “Nice Guy,” a sort of Sensitive Man version of a saint. He listens to Elizabeth; he “empathizes” (i.e. he insists he “understands what she means”); he smiles at her with sweetness and reassures her of his love. But there is a darker side in this hidden power struggle: he is “injured” that she does not appreciate his efforts more fully, for underneath he feels “put-upon” and “had-it-up-to-here” about her demands and pleadings. He neither lets himself or her know just how disgruntled and resistant he is. She tries to get him to admit it. She tells him “Don’t you resent my going-on all the time about wanting more from you?” He responds, “A bit, but I understand that you are really hurting, and I want to do the best I can.” But, from time to time his real upset is apparent even to him, when he says flat-out to her insistence that he interrupt his racquetball to be home “on time” for dinner–” Well, I just can’t do that.” Underneath this “Nice Guy” trait there resides the resentful mind of one who feels he is being more misunderstood than is his wife. His attitude is strength and availability, but beneath the surface there is determination not to be “used,” not to be made accountable for what he believes in his heart-of-hearts is more her “fault” than his. He is fighting her and she him. The explicit issues of their marriage, his time availability, his forgetting anniversaries, his financial instability are rendered trivial by the velvet war they are raging for dominance. Bit by bit they have lose confidence in mutual good will and caring. And without this assumed reciprocity of energy and love, a power struggle sets in.

When the dynamic themes of your relationship are suffering from failures of loving connection, developing “power-over” often becomes by default the mode of choice. Power is the booby prize for failure of respect, care, et al. If we can’t be with our partners, at least we can exercise power over them. So we become obsessed with being winners. There are so many ways to have power struggles: they can be well disguised as content discussions or battles over “important” things–when the deeper theme is showing who can win: we may feign willingness to give our partner what she wants, but our deeper intention is to dilute her justifiable anger for our inconsiderateness; we can bring up issues in public that have not been worked out in private in order to get help from one of our friends whom we know shares our opinions.

You probably did not fall in love with your partner because either of you demonstrated power over the other–relationships are rarely fueled by the winner enjoying being related to a loser. Should you find yourself lost in power trips, ask yourself just what are you feeling inferior about that you might go for the “win?” Know that your love and positive connection are out of kilter, and you have surrendered to a power trip disguised as a marriage. Are you willing to invest in the delicate and vulnerable reinvention of a balanced and reciprocal marriage?

How it all adds up….

In all of these hidden issues there is a common theme, whether care, or respect, or interest, or play, or attention, or power: acceptance. We are social creatures and the central question of all human existence is: Do you accept me? Am I OK with you? Do you embrace me, or do you push me away? What is my future with you? Are you a refuge, a safe harbor? Or do I have to worry about being alienated from you? At the core of the human psyche and soul is the yearning for the continuation and fulfillment of the unconditional love often provided for us as infants. We are born of parents whom nature, at its best, provides with instinct and wisdom that they may lovingly respond to our needs–simply because we are. Beginning within the womb and beyond, when things go the way nature intended, we experience ourselves as given-to as though we were a pure gift of joy to our human companions who are pleased with us and we with them. This is the imprint by which all our social life, and most centrally our marriage life, is measured.

The hidden themes of marriage are variations on acceptance. Unconditional acceptance is life’s first gift, and our lifetime task is to recover and amplify, in the specifics of our relationships, the infinite variations on this theme.Care is acceptance as we recapitulate the mother’s tender loving gaze and gentle ministrations for each others’ well being. Respect is acceptance as we honor the particularity of our partners in ways that they feel their life “as is” is highly esteemed. Interest is acceptance as we let our partners know that they draw our energy positively and vigorously. Play is acceptance as partners’ flowing, mindless, expressions connect with high pleasure with one another and all life. Attention is acceptance as we feel heard and known by one another, and by this experience confirm our entitled place in life. Power is the energy of acceptance fostered when one surrenders to being with one another, never dominating thus relieving fear, and gathering the synergy of true mutuality.

 

ORIGINAL POSTING HERE

Robert Caldwell, M. Div. has a private practice of individual, couple, and group psychotherapy in Bethesda. He is a Licensed and Certified Professional Counselor.

Tantra for Teenagers

I am no authority on teenagers…there are very few in my life. But I was one once, so certainly I have that under my belt. And as I sit on a plane to Greece, I am surrounded by groups of young people off on their two weeks of binge drinking and stranger shagging. Meanwhile I have my head in a tantra book. As I catch morsels of overheard conversations, I am tempted to turn to them and begin to preach the Gospel of Tantra! Don’t do it kids! Don’t separate your consciousness from your sexuality and begin to condition yourselves to a lifetime of sexual experiences in which you are not present!

But hey, most of us did at some point. Perhaps you have to fall in order to pick yourself up. It was only after three years of excessive drinking that I gave up alcohol once and for all and headed to India to find something else of life aged 18 (yes I gave up drinking once I became the legal age to drink!)

But what would it be like if, when those hormones firsts start pumping, someone came to talk to us about Tantra? What if, instead of the conflicting message of “sex is a biological method of reproduction” versus the Hollywood messages of “everyone has flawless bodies and is having a lot of great sex all the time”, we were given some sort of sharing about how sex is related to love, and that it can create very strong experiences. What if the word “sacred” were even mentioned in the same sentence as the word “sex”. What then?

And how about, as those surges of energy come through the young teenage body, someone explained sexual energy? Imagine that concept helping our youth to understand the overwhelming forces at play within, and perhaps even learning a few basic tools to help deal with all of that energy…a little breathwork to support them through moments of intense energy surge. Imagine if we were teaching our young people to understand their own sexual energy before they connect to the energy of another, and then when they do connect they know a little about energies playing together.

How about explaining polarity to children as suddenly they gain a sense of being different from the other sex. How about marking that shift, from child to young adult, with a rite of passage. Returning to nature, as our distant ancestors once did, with our peers and our elders, to find out what it is to become a man/woman. What if, instead of MTV icons of male- and female-ness, teenagers learned about age-old archtypes, and about masculine and feminine energies in nature and the universe. Perhaps we could teach them about our own unique make-up of energies, of masculine and feminine traits and tendencies…and how to be at ease with ourselves just as we are.

What if teenagers were shown how to respect the other sex? Taught how to honour qualities that they may not themselves embody. How to share the delights of our differences…not to try to steal something from the other, or to dominate or gain power over the other.

And how about if teenagers were shown sex beyond the pornographic hard, edgy, loveless sex? What if they were exposed to sensuous and loving union? What if they saw two human beings in real and deep connection, with open eyes seeing one another and open hearts feeling one another. What if they actually glimpsed what it looks like when lovers are seeing the divine in one another …

And how would it be to show our young people the connections between sexuality and nature…to show that sex is natural; that it mirrors the gushing rivers and burning fires; the animal instinct. That some beautiful energies can flow between two bodies, an experience of deep aliveness…what if we let them know that?

How useful would it be to understand a little of creating safe space? Of boundaries…ever-shifting yet hugely important. Of “yes’s” and “no’s” and even options such as “can we just stop and hold each other?” And imagine if young people were taught to find their inner truth, their inner knowing…and learn to trust that. So they are no longer susceptible to the suggestion of every Tom, Dick and Harry, but able instead to look within and find what is right for them in each fresh new moment. Imagine if someone showed them that!

Because then even the adults could relax a bit. Instead of trying desperately to shield their young from sexuality, working against a natural explosion of hormones, parents could rest a little knowing that their children were actually equipped to enter the world of sexuality with the empowerment they need to begin such an epic journey. Not only that, but they might actually have some of the  communication skills to discuss it with their parents. The right education would also create the open-minded atmosphere in which teenagers sexual experiences are not all secretive and hidden from fear of being caught.

Many people seek out tantra in their thirties and forties. But why wait? Imagine what a difference it could make if teenagers were initiated into Tantra. Then perhaps I’d be sat on a plane with a load of youthful beings off to seek connection to nature, learn to open their hearts and discover the joys of being a sexual and alive being.

Original Posting at Shashi Solluna

Sarah Pipalini laid by 10,000 Men!

Three nuns were driving down the road one afternoon. One was beautiful, young and new to the convent life. She enjoyed modern culture but knew that her life calling was one of service. She loved the Lord and wanted to do his work. The other was a middle aged woman, she had seen much suffering and many blessings manifest. She too devoted her life to service and the work of God. The oldest nun had been with the church for her entire life. She had been raised by the Sisters.  She was a woman who decided to dedicate her life to serving all other living beings, and to not be part of mainstream society but instead live her life in prayer and contemplation. 

 
The 3 Sisters were chatting away as they drove to their destination when without any warning were struck by a truck who had run a red light. The car spun around and hit a lamp post which centered itself in the middle of their car. Sadly these three blessed women now found themselves standing at the gates of heaven before St. Peter himself. Relieved that they had arrived and knowing that they were saved they greeted him with smiles and joy. St. Peter, said welcome Sisters. I have fantastic news for you. the Lord is so happy with all the service, unconditional love and sacrifice that you have made in your life that he has decided to let you go back and experience life again, however this time you may choose who you want to be. the nuns became excited at the thought.
 
St. Peter looked at the youngest sister and asked, “Sweet sister, whom would you like to incarnate as?”
 
“Britney Spears.” she replied.
 
Poof! She was now living  life as the pop star.
 
He then turned to the middle aged Sister, “And whom do you choose?”
 
 
Smiling St. Peter said of course, the sexiest woman ever. As you wish Sister and within a second she was was Marilyn.
 
He then turned to the wise eldest Sister and asked her the same question. Without hesitation she said, “Sarah Pipalini.”
St. Peter looked bewildered. He did not know who this was. He looked in his book but she was not there. then he decided to call on head of records. 
 
“I need you to find me Sarah Pipalini right away.”
 
Unfortunately, there was no record of her. He turned to the Sister and said that he was sorry. The old nun stuck her hand in her pocket, dug around some, and then pulled out a folded, very old and weathered paper clipping. Opening it carefully, she said, “No, no. You see right here, Sarah Pipalini.” St. Peter took the clipping and read it. 
Sweet Sister, this says, Sahara Pipeline Laid by 10,000 Men.”
 
This joke shares a depth of the sickness of humanity as well as the wisdom of the spirit. We wonder why so many young people in society become extremely promiscuous, or why when a couple divorces that one or both parties hunt for what appears like empty sex to extremes. We look into the eyes of our beloved on the day that  we are uniting in marriage and we speak our vows of love and unconditional support and then find ourselves years down the road desiring intimacy, passion, connection and the feeling of excitement that only comes to us when we make love for the first time with a new partner. This desire in many cases leads us to temptation, which in many traditional beliefs is evil. We have raised a society where desire is wrong. We have locked our sexuality up in the towers of our internal being where we do not dare share it or speak of it, because this would be looked down upon by the heavens. We  enforce many of our religious leaders to abstain for years or an entire lifetime, assuming that through this sacrifice they will be more elevated, closer to God and able to guide their sheep in the ways of the Lord. Should one fall prey to desire and become human again we practically burn them at the stake. We anger at their inability to not lust after our youth yet we torment them each day with our sexy tales of loss of control.
 
We live in a world where a person who has been intimate with more then 10 people is considered to be a whore, a tramp, a slut. Yet we secretly long for the experience ourselves. Jealousy speaks out as judgement. We gossip to our friends and neighbors about what others are doing and do not even stop to realize that our words are potentially more harmful then being penetrated by a rapist. We lounge in our judgments and then sneak inside the safety of our homes to catch up on the newest porn videos on the web. We tease and joke about sex, never seriously giving it the respect that it deserves, yet we tell our children that they need to be responsible and wait till they get married. We deliberately go out drinking in hopes of getting lucky, but discover one of two things: 1) we never find someone to hook up with and wonder what is wrong with us?  2) we hook up, get our orgasmic release and then see everything that is wrong with the person we are with. If we are men, we speak grandly about our sexual adventures, often making them out to be better and more then they really are. If we are women, we try to not speak to much of our desires or adventures, as to not be seen as a whore. If we have been intimate with more then what we feel society approves of we reduce the number as to fit in with our peers, not realizing that they have done the same.
 
“In our society sex is wounded by a deep-seated masochism, which finds distorted satisfaction in the suppression of desire. This masochism is a symptomatic and destructive form of surrender. Instead of giving in to our passions, allowing emotion to course through our bodies and psyches, and generously offering ourselves to intimacy, we surrender our joy in life to any authority we can find, and we find many authorities willing to condemn us for our longings and pleasures.”– Thomas Moore, The Soul of Sex
 
So according to traditional belief, desire is the root of this evil called sexuality.
Desire is to blame for all the wrong doing. The taking and the raping. Desire is the reason why we cheat on our lovers. Desire is the reason why we break our covenants. Desire is not to be followed, it is a force from Satan. Yet, if there is no desire, there is no happiness. Period. There is also not much else left in the world. No matter what age or gender you are, you cannot even move a finger without first having a desire. And desire is always in wanting to receive something.
Want to argue this fact with me?
You work because you have a desire for money, success, peace of mind, prosperity or a new back patio.
You eat because you have a desire to stay alive, or to experience the pleasure of eating something new or delicious.
You compete in sports to fulfill a desire to experience  the thrill and victory of achievement.
You go on holiday to fulfill the desire to relax and break up your routine or create a memorable experience.
You enter into romantic relationships because you desire to experience love.
You watch TV and go to the movies to fulfill your desire to be entertained and experience enjoyment.
You pray because you desire help or healing.
You go to church because you desire to be saved and to live in heaven.
And we engage in sex to fulfill our desire for sexual pleasure. And if we have experienced soulful sex, then we often engage in sex to manifest our dreams, connect at a soul level, to heal, and to communicate with God.
 
I believe that even a blind person could see clearly that desire is the key to happiness!
 
Its very simple, because God (the Light) is infinite, every kind of joy, happiness and blessing is contained within the Creator. The only thing required to activate all this happiness is DESIRE. When a desire is fulfilled, happiness is expressed in that moment.
 
Why do we condemn such beauty? Creativity, Happiness and Power? — Fear
 
And lack of spiritual understanding.
 
But if we listen and surrender to this fear and refuse to expand our knowledge, then we will end up with only a fraction of self-possession purchased at the cost of our very life’s bliss and purpose. We will in all actuality find ourselves living a life of desperation, with a scarcity mentality over-loaded with more worry and ultimately secretly desiring but still denying all of God’s beauty.
 
“Knowledge without transformation is not wisdom.” — Paulo Coelho, Brida
 
Sex is a direct connect to life. To God. Ancient Tantric or Taoist practices as well as those practiced in Egypt and other parts of the world knew of the true power of creation that ONLY stemmed from the union of lovers. At the heart of sex is bedded a most profound affirmation of life, providing us with reason for living, for being optimistic, and for having energetic passion. Sex keeps us connected to our deepest essence, and links us to our inception. It also gifts us with the ability to realize our full potential and touch spiritual enlightenment.
 
Through our many soul phases we advance in our understanding of this beautiful gift from the heavens. We learn to devour the moments of rapture and to open ourselves in total trust to our lovers yes, but even more so to ourselves. We dance in the joy of being truly seen, we stop setting up limitations of our inner sexual muses and nymphs and in turn open the gateways to pleasure. In a society where love is open and unconditional, sex is respected and the parties involved honor one another from a soul level first. They honor and have the wisdom to do this through subtle energy connections, then through the reverence and adornment of the physical, they know that sharing true love in their sexing means that they respect each other and themselves through permissions and boundary setting. They laugh at their humanness and welcome the inner child to come out and play. They understand that sexual union is an alchemical act and they cherish not abuse the power of it.
 
The great healing of our world and of humanity will gain great strides when men and women make the conscious decision to LIVE their earthly reality instead of their doctrines and ideals.
 
Will you bask in your sexing and manifest a future of happiness that the Creator will be proud of?
Or will you continue to succumb to societal illusions?