STOP BEING A YES WHORE.
Wow! Kendal that is a harsh statement for a Friday morning.
What do you mean by, “Yes Whore?”
You are guilty beautiful of doing just this.
I am guilty too.
There is not a soul on this planet that has not fallen into the illusion of being a yes whore and believing that it is the road to our happiness.
Every time you say YES to someone and you actually mean NO, you are in an essence whoring yourself out and dishonoring self and the relationship that you are YESSING all over.
Every time that inauthentic YES pops out of your mouth and you find yourself swallowing your own needs, desires, ideas, and value because you feel that you “should” do this or that to be a nice person, to be helpful, to offer support, to show you love, etc. etc.
You sabotage yourself!
You sabotage the relationship.
And you loose respect.
I have been in the business of relationship coaching in one facet or another for two decades now and the one thing that I hear repeatedly is, ” I can’t say no, that would be mean.”
“He is my husband… I love him, I can’t say no.”
“She is so sweet and working so hard, she needs this/needs me… I can’t say no.”
“They are really struggling right now, I can’t say no.”
“They need me.”
“I don’t know how I am going to do it but I can’t say no.”
And following these wonderful words of what seem’s like love and support come…
” I am so exhausted, I just don’t have anything left to give, why can’t they/he/she see that?”
“I just feel like a all people ever want me for is ___________________.”
“You know, I have had it… I have been busting myself open here, doing everything I can, to show how much I care and I ask for one small thing and get told no after everything that I have done.”
“Doesn’t he/she see that I really don’t want to do that/feel like it?
“I would be all alone if I said what I really want or need.”
These and so many other things in so many subjects of our lives.
Just think about all the moments that you actually wanted to respond with NO but opted to say yes because you did not want to hurt the relationship, the other persons feelings or damage your value in the relationship.
Think of all those moments that if you get real with yourself you answered YES because you were answering out of fear and/or lack of self-worth.
Well you see beautiful,
these are the times that you were whoring yourself out.
There is no honor or respect in being out of integrity and not being honest with your answer.
You answered YES in exchange for something that you wanted or needed. You put little value on what is so precious and worth so much in hopes that you could,
if but only for a short time,
buy someones love, time, appreciation,
so that you would feel good.
But the funny thing is,
much like a whore who is just selling off their sex and not looking for anything real, lasting or of value,
you find yourself having to consistently whore yourself out to the point of being used up just to get a taste of what you are actually wanting.
And much like the client of the whore who is trying to fill a void and is just buying the illusion of the intimacy and connection,
you are finding yourself feeling used, abused and alone.
The relationships that you are doing this with are the relationships that you need to GET REAL with yourself on.
If you want to experience true happiness.
If you want to be respected.
If you want to have that soulmate relationship based in love,
if you want to feel supported, safe, understood,
If you want to stop questioning yourself and the relationships that you have,
and just BE YOU-
if you want that F-ck YES! Life…
Well is starts by you STOPPING YOURSELF FROM BEING A YES WHORE.
The ONLY person you need to answer YES to ALWAYS….
And you see, if you answer yes to you 100% of the time,
you will find that you will be living authentically and in integrity.
And guess what that means beautiful?
It means you will gain trust, respect, real love and support.
It means that you will NOT ALWAYS make someone else happy,
that you will respect and love yourself enough to know that you are not responsible for anyone else’s emotional response, mental thoughts or even physical actions.
It means that you will no longer be enabling another’s victim mindset in their unconscious maneuver to control you and feel loved themselves.
It means that you will be one step closer to manifesting the life that you are worthy of.
So Stop Being a YES WHORE and Release Yourself from That Which Binds You.
Stop Existing & Start Living
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The man in my bed.
He is like no other man that has graced my sheets with splendor.
He is like no other man who has captured my essence,
if for a flicker in time.
He is like no one before him who thought they could penetrate my soul while f-cking my body.
This man in my bed is for sure like no other.
I could tell you it’s in his moans,
its in the way his tone changes during our sexing.
I could tell you that it’s about how he holds me,
how he takes my hand firmly to let me know he is leading.
I could tell you its about how he tells me what he wants,
how he wants me to wrap myself around him,
to open to him more,
I could tell you that its about how he massages my cervix,
and knows how to move just right.
Sure I could say all of that,
but none of that would be true.
The man in my bed.
He is certainly like no other,
and though his skill is far above most,
his body pleasing to my touch and eye,
it is not these things either.
I could tell you that its in his kiss,
and let me assure you that I might have to sit and ponder,
for his kiss is beyond measure.
I could tell you that its in his smooth conversation,
in his depth, or in his knowledge.
I could tell you that its because he is a good mind f-ck,
as he most certainly always make me think.
I could tell you that its because he makes me laugh,
as he always puts a smile on my face.
Yes I could tell you these things,
and they would add to the pool of reasons,
as why he is so yummy.
But it would still not scratch the surface,
as to why this man in my bed is like no other.
So let me tell you.
Tell you now I will.
This man in my bed is like no other,
he holds my respect.
he ignites my soul,
he turns me on with his presence,
and captivates me with his certainty.
This man in my bed,
is like no other,
he has me wanting more of him,
he has me wanting to show up for him.
This man in my bed makes me want to earn him,
all the while revealing to me how beautiful I am in his eyes.
this man must have read my journal,
he must have been given a copy by God,
because as we lay here in my bed,
I watch my desires unfold,
they are handed to me,
one by one,
and as he leans over and kisses my neck,
as he roams my flesh,
as he whispers his desires in my ear,
this man in my bed,
He looks at me with a smirk,
he inquires about my Mona Lisa smile,
he knows I am hiding something,
but how do I tell this man.
How do I tell him my truth?
And what is my truth anyway?
This man in my bed,
he wants my love,
he wants my mind,
he wants my flesh,
he wants me,
And he wonders.
This man in my bed is like no other,
and one day he may come to realise,
that all that he wants is already his.
This man who holds me so perfectly,
who I respect and admire,
who I feel penetrated by with each word,
with each look,
he is different than any other,
and I tell you right now,
he is very different.
I see more than this moment.
I desire the sunrise,
I desire more than a day,
or even a month or a year.
This man has me wanting him,
and that does not happen with such ease.
Yet this man,
this man in my bed,
smooth as velvet,
he has me wanting,
Wanting for more.
This goes out to all those men who want to turn their lady on,
who want to know they are wanted,
this goes out to all you gents who desire to conquer a woman’s heart and soul,
and wonder why another so effortlessly might do just that.
This goes out to you,
you who want to fully penetrate your woman.
And question how it can be done.
Let me tell you the secret,
that she will never confess.
Yes the answer sweet man is this,
it’s in your lead,
it’s about her respect,
and how you respect her back,
it amout how she can melt into you,
how you carry her heart,
and hold her in her emotions,
its about the silent moments,
and how present you remain,
it’s about how you touch her,
not her flesh but her mind.
Yes here is how you do it.
Here is how you make love to her.
Learn to stroke her this way,
And let her open.
And you too, ‘will have all that you want.
Stop Existing & Start Living
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Respect your effing time!
Respect your effing time!
Over and over again I am reminded of this lesson.
Through the years I have been asked why I charge for consults?
I often get asked if I can do consults with potential new clients for free or discount.
I get asked if I would consider working at discount because this is a good cause.
If I would do a favor for a friend.
Or since I am such a sweet person, do it all for free.
It is frequently assumed that if I really want to build my business or help others build theirs that I should do the above.
I think not.
My response on some days to this inquiry is simple:
“Would you go to work and put your whole heart and soul into a job for no return?”
“Would you work for your job for free?”
Then why do expect me or anyone else to do this?
The truth is. I love my career. I cannot ever see myself doing anything else. And if this world did not run on the green stuff, then I would do what I do anyway. I often tithe coaching to people who I am called to do so with, but it is soul driven, NOT requested of me.
I respect myself, my time and your journey enough to know that by taking the step forward and putting your money where your mouth is out of play, is only going to cause roadblocks down the road for you and cause respect issues as well.
Years ago I use to do all of the above and then some.
I use to not only do free consults but I would also drive all over the Dallas area to meet these people.
I believed that I had too.
I believed that in order to build my empire I needed to stress.
I needed to put in the time.
I needed to stretch myself like this.
I had to pay the price.
Oh my f-cking God!
I was so effing wrong.
Well still today I occasionally get caught off guard.
I go and do these things.
Every now and again I find myself revising this lesson.
I should know that these maneuvers will never lead me to the life I desire nor will they help the people that look to me for direction.
The lessons need revisted I suppose.
Here I sit at one of my favorite restaurants
Enjoying a Cucumber Basil Smash cocktail and some lobster and shrimp stuffed mushrooms.
Deciding on what to order for lunch.
(I think I am going with the lobster bisque today)
And how did I end up here.
Well I am relearning the above lesson you see.
Yes I did a favor.
And I understand that things come up in life.
With that said,
Respect your effing time!
And mine too.
But you know what I truly think?
To be able to revisit my personal respect for myself and my most valuable treasure, my TIME.
Gratitude for being here at location I love, enjoying the food and drink I have chosen.
Gratitude that I can share with you this lesson, in hopes you can gain from it.
Gratitude that nothing ever really gets me,
Lemons to lemonade.
Here I sit.
A little behind my schedule sure.
Now with my lover,
Enjoying my drink and food on this Sunday.
And knowing that I took a disrespect of my time and turned it into an experience of bliss and positive manifestation.
Here’s to loving your life.
Here’s to honoring your time and life.
And as always,
Stop Existing and Start Living
Claim Your Life.
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Money, sex, in-laws, vacations, communication, children–these head the list of explicit concerns couples struggle with in their marriage. But there are deeper and more significant issues. Often these are hidden from direct discussion or awareness. Care, respect, interest, play, attention, and power are the real issues couples have. These are the themes that make for happiness or misery, that fulfill or destroy dreams. Couples who have harmony in these realms have relationships that hold together, breed vitality, and foster creativity. We are creatures driven by invisible currents, often imperceptible to the casual or the inattentive observer. A case-in-point: What may seem to be a couple’s routine argument about which movie to see may be a hidden power struggle. One partner feels that she has been capitulated too many times to her husband’s preferences, even though in a less competitive moment his first choice would also have been hers.
In this article I will define and illustrate what I consider to be six below-the-surface issues in marriage and offer observations on how we might approach consciously living-out these themes in less destructive and more positive ways.
John and Sarah (All names and identifying data have been changed.) are starved for caring. John grew up in a love-deprived home without a mothering mother. His mother, in and out of mental hospitals during his childhood, looked to her elder son to take care of his three brothers. After doing his own school work, he would make sure his siblings did theirs, clean house, and make dinner for his depressed mother and his exhausted and overburdened father. His parents were so absorbed in their mental and financial survival, respectively, that they did not even thank him. His sole comfort was managing to keep a semblance of sanity in the family and save his mother some visits to the hospital. When he met Sarah, a lovely young woman with a soft voice and an appreciation for his good efforts, he was joyfully overwhelmed. Here at last was one who understood, here at last was one who wanted to create a family in which thought and feeling and aspiration could be shared and executed together. He felt cared for.
For Sarah their meeting was equally promising. She had also been brought up in a family devoid of emotion–an austere mid-western family, in which mother never hugged and father sat remotely over ceremonial occasions, but had little else to offer. Sarah suffered from diabetes and John’s sense of order promised to help her maintain a regimen for optimal health. She believed she had found the man who would warm her heart and take care of her temporal needs. They, of course, fell in love with each other–for what is “falling in love” but finding another whom we believe meets–and will continue to meet–our needs. They married and, alas, a failure of “caring” soon began.
Sarah, it turned out, notwithstanding her gentleness and eagerness to be helpful, had only a rudimentary sense of empathy for emotional nuance. She knew how to do what she believed were “caring’ behaviors, but lacked a heart that matched John’s sensibilities. In their first year of marriage John’s brother was made paraplegic in a car accident. As he lived in the same city as John, he balanced his own families needs with attending to his brother, returning to his bedside and taking on his care much as he had looked after him when he was a little boy. Sarah attempted to be supportive, but John’s absence from the home, his drives across town twice a week to fill in for the nurses, his continually being on the phone to doctors, began to sink Sarah’s heart, as she wondered what happened to the man she married. She no longer felt John’s caring.
Caring is the constant and tender ministrations that we all look for in our partners. In many couples the most fundamental question is: Does she or he care enough? How precious is the statement that “He really does care.” How poignant the transparent defensive posturing, “I really don’t care what she does.” We need for persons to intend the best for us and to have us in their minds and to carry out acts of caring. The absence of caring breeds shame and worthlessness. Explicit issues of being home for dinner when expected, taking out the garbage, driving slowly when one’s partner is anxious about speed, or speedily when one’s partner is anxious about dawdling, are not “little things” but significant carriers of caring feelings. These are as intensely important, as urgent as the deepest demands of the human heart. In fact, that’s what they are.
“I care for you.” “He doesn’t care for me.” These are among the tenderest, most sought, and most feared sentiments persons express to one another. When caring behaviors become sparse, couples are fading in their vital attachment to one another. Caring behaviors are those acts subtle or blunt by which we convey to the other that we wish his or her happiness, safety, fulfillment. It is caring to feel deeply for our partner’s most searing fears and griefs; it is also caring to listen to her talk about her high school reunion. Caring is wishing the person well and acting to back up that wish. When we care we go the proverbial extra mile. Caring also conveys, implicitly, commitment, for caring is being present to the other as long as we are needed. We “are needed” a long, long time. Few in-love couples pre-arrange their breaking-up.
Take a look at your relationship. Do your feel cared for? Do you care deeply about your mate? Talk with your partner and let him tell you how he feels. Summon the courage to hear that she may not feel nearly so cared about as your have imagined. In fact, you may have forgotten actually to care, and you may have become so used to being in an uncaring marriage that you aren’t even paying attention to the state of caring between you. Examine what has happened to your caring. Did it evaporate? Was it ever there?. How does your caring interweave with other themes of your relationship–with power and respect, for example? What do you need to do, to have your partner do, before caring can be revived? Do you need the help of a guide or therapist? Is it worth your investment of energy? Are you really serious about trying? And if so, how will you begin? How much energy will you give to realizing this possibility?
After their first idyllic months together, Ellen and Newton composed a gradual crescendo of disrespect which climaxed in a bitter divorce. What began as a story-book romance–a chance meeting in Key West where each had, uncharacteristically, taken solo vacations for introspection and R&R– she seeking refuge from an abusive marriage and he solace from a series of failed relationships. Newton was present and comforting to Ellen as she recounted the emotional and physical abuse she had suffered for years in an attempt to keep the marriage together for the sake of her children and in deference to her family’s pressure to avoid, at-all-cost, divorce.
Ellen, at first enamored of Newton’s vast intellect, and proud of his talent at engaging any person in fluent conversation, came to despise “his narrow academic interests” and his “pompous colleagues.” She deplored his long work hours and his extended field trips. She panicked about his regularly having several drinks before dinner. He showed no desire for children of their own. Fundamentally, Ellen did not respect his interests, his style, his friendships. Though she “tried” to persuade herself that she could learn to admire him, that he had a “right” to do what he did without her standing in judgment. Yet, in her soul she was negative to and threatened by many of the ways he lived.
Newton, at first attracted to Ellen because of her needfulness, after a few months of marriage began to see her less as loveably vulnerable than as one whose unhappiness was a drag on his contentment. He began to realize that he who had begun the relationship as the “white knight” for helping her escape from her unhappy and entrapped marriage had now become the oppressor. Her vulnerability became, to him, a contemptible craziness and instead of being with her in sympathy for the way the world was treating her, he became part of the world that was tormenting and abusing her.
The relationship, having made an 180 degree turn from affirmation of each other–their styles, looks, habits, values, commitments–to denigrating practically everything about one another, found itself on a steady course of decline and, eventually, divorce. To be trapped on a path where each partner judges the other as not living an admirable life is fatally demoralizing. Ellen “tried” to see Newton differently and the more she tried the more it was evident that underneath her posturing sweetness and positivity, there was repulsion. Many times Newton resolved not to attack her with “crazy-making” accusations, but when she would get upset at one of his absences or pretensions, he would forget his resolutions and “go for the gut.” Newton and Ellen had neither power, nor awareness, nor will to face straight-out that they did not admire one another. They repeatedly fought over mundane differences, ignoring the deeper angers and judgments that made them crash-bound. Hardly a marriage survives in this atmosphere; none happily. Theirs did not.
Respect means liking and affirming your partner for who he or she is in the world. Of course, being separate creatures with our own prejudices and definitions, some things about others we like, some we do not. But loving relationships that are truly satisfying are founded on mutual respect. We need to feel that others believe the attitudes we have, the professions we pursue, the charities we support, the jokes we tell are, for the most part, pleasing to them. If this is not happening, then there is a major problem brewing. People kill each other when they feel disrespected, and couples kill their marriage when disrespect prevails.
If you feel that respect in your relationship is becoming thin, take a long look at yourself and attempt to understand just how deep this disrespect goes. Have you, for some time, been feeling negative about how you partner leads her life, and have you been less than direct about it? Or perhaps you can look within yourself, at your own values. If you are failing to respect your partner, you may want to examine your behavior and see if you are emphasizing negative things to the detriment of the positive. Sometimes things are correctable, but you must address problems before the toxins of disrespect have ravaged your connection. If you want to develop respect, there is no better way to begin than frankly talking with your partner about your failings in this arena and beginning to construct a new basis for respect. If you can’t find it, then you are indeed in trouble.
A common way of describing a relationship is when persons acknowledge being “interested” in each other. “Interesting” covers a lot of territory. Though nature may have first created interest to assure replication of life, sex, recasts as interest, extends far into realms as diverse as intellectual complexity, athletic skills, winsome personality, and playing a mean game of chess. One of our strongest drives is the compulsion away from boredom. Losing interest defines depression.
Mitchell and Lori had only been married a couple of years when Mitchell lost interest. In the beginning their fascination for each other never cooled. He was strong and quiet, she, shy socially, but super-active athletically. She led him out of himself into a new world of sports and outdoors. He offered her a quiet refuge and protection from the many times she over-extended herself with activities. All went well until her job began to keep her into the evenings and weekends. He depended on her for stimulation, for keeping things going that were fun and engaging. Only a few months after Lori’s absence-making schedule began, Mitchell initiated afternoon dalliances with a coworker that quickly blossomed into a passionate affair. When Lori discovered his infidelities, the ensuing struggles, the threat of loss, and the reminder of their strong early attraction to one another reignited their desire to make a satisfying marriage.
Research indicates that affairs are seldom primarily sexually motivated. Most often they are persons’ attempts either to stimulate their life, or having lost a feeling of being desired in their relationship, discover if one can still be attractive to other partners. Nothing flattens a couples energy more than to have lost interest in one another–if the trend continues downward, persons can lose interest in being alive.
How can you make the uninteresting interesting? By paying acute attention. Anything looked at up close and personal is interesting. If something is interesting it sparks our creativity, it brings out our most primitive organismic sense of pleasure in relating to reality outside of ourselves. Interest brings us into heart and mind augmenting connection with the world. And persons are infinitely interesting for they are in continual ferment, discarding old and taking on new forms in a cacophony of novelty and growth.
Love is continually renewing interest. How many good films do you see where there is no “love interest.” (Note, “love-interest”–it’s almost a single word.) Interest is the life of relationships. Lose interest, death of the relationship. How do you retain and engender interest? By being willing to be open for it. By not expecting the other person to carry the full responsibility of being “interesting” to us. It is just as true–and perhaps a truth of more import–to say that you are responsible for your own ability to be interested. The lazy brain is the uninterested brain. Further if you are not interested you hardly accept the other as he is, for you are always looking for “something else” to carry you out of your stupor of disinterest.
Play is the purest and fullest expression of joy–the most basic positive emotion. There are many forms of play. Sexuality may head the list, but not far behind is walking around the block, enjoying family rituals, laughing over the comics, watching a child grow up, matching rhythms and harmonies with one another. Play is pure; it is without pretense; it aspires to be nothing but itself. It is nature’s way of letting us know we are in the flow of experience. To play together is both to be in sync with the world and one another. We become couples, in large measure, because we play well together. Whether we are attending a lecture, going to the beach, or venturing into Eros, the compelling meeting between two persons can best be described as play. Persons are attracted to each other, not because they work well on projects together, but because they enjoy playing with one another.
When Rosemary and Spaulding met they were beautiful and talented young people who enjoyed parties, romance, and fanciful dreams of success. After their marriage they moved from a small town in the south to a large eastern city for Spaulding to attend law school. It turned out that he had talent for patent law and paternity, and before long his practice was successful and his home full. Rosemary bore five sons and gave herself to twenty years of active and consuming motherhood, along with making a home for her work-laminated husband.
Rosemary craved play. She didn’t know its name, but she knew she needed something. She tried tennis, encounter groups, therapy, religion, dancing. She discovered she liked all of them. Relieved of the demands of her large brood of children, she was ready for grown-up play. She learned to look people in the eye, talk about her feelings, claim her sexuality. She desperately wanted to engage her husband with her in her newly found playfulness. Rosemary urged, demanded that Spaulding join her, but his manner of play was to sit quietly with the newspaper, worry about the stock market, keep up with sports, and follow his sons’ progress. His games she could never play, and as for her parenting, it was time for a change of venue. She needed a playmate–i.e. a man to share with her in the new pleasure and creativity she had discovered in her life, and he hardly filled the (play)bill. For Rosemary play was the avenue to closeness and Spaulding’s inability to play with her caused a severe gap in their happiness together.
From the beginning we play. We virtually come into the world playing. Play is losing ourselves in unplanned pleasurable abandon of mind and body. Play feels good. Play expands the body, loosens the breathing, rushes the blood, releases endorphins and epinephrine and dopamine. When relationships form there’s a lot of playing. So many activities for couples are play activities. Dating, dancing, going to the movies and…sex are play. Sex is high and vital adult play; when it’s work it’s no fun. Play is an accepting activity for it exists for its own sake. This is perhaps why play often gets such a bum rap.
You and your partner probably don’t play nearly enough. As heirs of Puritanism, you may feel that everything should be “purposeful,” that present activity–even play–should be leading to something else that justifies your effort. But acceptance is not future oriented; it is receiving and enjoying with your partner what is in the present–and no activity is more “in-the-present” than play. If you can’t play, you are much too anxious about what is “not yet.” Play releases, it transcends a “not-now-consciousness” to enter an “experiencing-now-consciousness” that is pure enjoyment. Being able to share the play-moment makes you indeed partners in living life freely and for fun.
Jerry wants to be “heard.” He has countless stories about how Jennifer repeatedly paid no attention to what he told her. On the first thanksgiving visit to his uncle’s (the grand-old-man of his family) home when he implored Jennifer never to reveal that they had lived together before they were married. He knew that his bachelor uncle was notorious for his Victorian morality, which dwelt alongside a great mind and loads of money to distribute solely to his two nephews. Jennifer, after several of glasses of Chateau Rothchild, let the secret of their cohabitation slip. Uncle abruptly asked them to leave and seven years later has neither spoken to nor about them.
Jennifer’s story is of her futile attempts to have Jerry listen to her terror of his family. Again and again she had stressed to him that his family’s loud and condescending ways made her shrink with discomfort and fright. She told Jerry that the only thing that could help would be to medicate her anxiety with wine, and that she knew that she sometimes got out of control. Jerry paid little heed. Through their failure to listen attentively to each other, they lost family and inheritance… and gained anger and disappointment with each other.
From our beginnings, we must be attended to. Children not “heard,” neither mirrored not understood, whose sense-of-self is grossly handicapped by the indifference of others, literally do not survive their childhood. Did you ever speak to someone when you thought he was in the room with you, perhaps voicing a thought about a shared experience, and found he had walked out of the room leaving you talking to air. You felt disappointed, foolish, annoyed. That is what it is like not to be heard, not to be attended to. You begin to think that actually you don’t exist.
Like so many who do not feel heard, Jennifer and Jerry resort to aggressive and sometimes ruthless measures to gain attention. Jennifer demeans Jerry’s manhood, talks about old boy friends being more appealing to her than he is–“They listen”, and threatens further havoc on his family, aimed this time at his parents. Jerry scowls and yells, or alternately he takes a passive, withdrawn stance, hoping to invoke such guilt in Jennifer that she will pause and listen to his side of things. Both are so caught-up in trying to force the other to hear them, that they are like the United Sates attempting to save Vietnam by destroying it.
As a marriage therapist, I see an endless parade of persons who drag their partners to counseling with complaints about how they are not being attended to. The complaints come in many forms: not being heard or listened to, not being seen or sought out, not being thought about or remembered. All of which make the unattended-to person very insecure about whether she or he is truly valued by the other.
If you are to learn better to attend and be attended to, you must become aware that listening, indeed, is your deficiency. You need to check out your narcissism to see just how self-absorbed you are and how effectively you take in what is real about your partners. In many households, persons go weeks without ever so much as inquiring after their partners feelings or even their everyday experiences. Are you one of these? And if you feel you are rarely attended to, pay close attention to your experience, are you often wishing for more or different than your partner can give? If all else fails, ask your partner if he or she feels attended to and known. If you and she are not reassured by her response, then undertake a course of training–with friends, therapists, family, books–to see if you actually want learn and develop the courage and skill of empathy.
Human beings abhor feeling “less-than.” We can’t bear for another to get the upper hand. We have many ways to even scores. The recent popularity of “First Wives Club” and “Waiting to Exhale,” gives strident witness to the “fun” and satisfaction we have in seeing others get their comeuppance when they become too powerful for the good of both partners. We fear that our partner may be ahead of (translate better than or superior to) us, or worse, that she or he may be “feeding-off” us. We attempt to correct this by conscious and unconscious balancing designed to make sure we do not end up on bottom. We work, all out, to stay on top. Case in point: Paul washes the dishes and points out to Anna that she should appreciate his efforts; he claims that what he does more than compensates for her vacuuming the house; she then agues that, not only did she vacuum but she shampooed as well and this puts her ahead….and on it goes.
There are several varieties of roles that are used in the power struggle. A couple of favorites are the victim and the saint (variations: nag and “Nice Guy,” wimp and the tyrant). The victim is always “down” and refuses to allow the other person to enjoy their “up” position. Victims blame; they invariable see the problem as the bad behavior of the other. Elizabeth is an assertive and demanding victim, as she approaches most of their talks with Brian, her husband, with a full agenda of grievances for his “failures” in treating her well. Brian is ever eager to please, but nothing he does ever seems to be enough, nothing ever seems to work. If his behaviors are “right” then his timing is “wrong.” Always, he is either agreeable or compromising, yet what he does is bumbling and only succeeds for Elizabeth half-way. If he comes home early one night, she reminds him that his job is less secure this year so he had better take no liberties; when he is late she speaks of the children feeling neglected.
Brian is the model “Nice Guy,” a sort of Sensitive Man version of a saint. He listens to Elizabeth; he “empathizes” (i.e. he insists he “understands what she means”); he smiles at her with sweetness and reassures her of his love. But there is a darker side in this hidden power struggle: he is “injured” that she does not appreciate his efforts more fully, for underneath he feels “put-upon” and “had-it-up-to-here” about her demands and pleadings. He neither lets himself or her know just how disgruntled and resistant he is. She tries to get him to admit it. She tells him “Don’t you resent my going-on all the time about wanting more from you?” He responds, “A bit, but I understand that you are really hurting, and I want to do the best I can.” But, from time to time his real upset is apparent even to him, when he says flat-out to her insistence that he interrupt his racquetball to be home “on time” for dinner–” Well, I just can’t do that.” Underneath this “Nice Guy” trait there resides the resentful mind of one who feels he is being more misunderstood than is his wife. His attitude is strength and availability, but beneath the surface there is determination not to be “used,” not to be made accountable for what he believes in his heart-of-hearts is more her “fault” than his. He is fighting her and she him. The explicit issues of their marriage, his time availability, his forgetting anniversaries, his financial instability are rendered trivial by the velvet war they are raging for dominance. Bit by bit they have lose confidence in mutual good will and caring. And without this assumed reciprocity of energy and love, a power struggle sets in.
When the dynamic themes of your relationship are suffering from failures of loving connection, developing “power-over” often becomes by default the mode of choice. Power is the booby prize for failure of respect, care, et al. If we can’t be with our partners, at least we can exercise power over them. So we become obsessed with being winners. There are so many ways to have power struggles: they can be well disguised as content discussions or battles over “important” things–when the deeper theme is showing who can win: we may feign willingness to give our partner what she wants, but our deeper intention is to dilute her justifiable anger for our inconsiderateness; we can bring up issues in public that have not been worked out in private in order to get help from one of our friends whom we know shares our opinions.
You probably did not fall in love with your partner because either of you demonstrated power over the other–relationships are rarely fueled by the winner enjoying being related to a loser. Should you find yourself lost in power trips, ask yourself just what are you feeling inferior about that you might go for the “win?” Know that your love and positive connection are out of kilter, and you have surrendered to a power trip disguised as a marriage. Are you willing to invest in the delicate and vulnerable reinvention of a balanced and reciprocal marriage?
How it all adds up….
In all of these hidden issues there is a common theme, whether care, or respect, or interest, or play, or attention, or power: acceptance. We are social creatures and the central question of all human existence is: Do you accept me? Am I OK with you? Do you embrace me, or do you push me away? What is my future with you? Are you a refuge, a safe harbor? Or do I have to worry about being alienated from you? At the core of the human psyche and soul is the yearning for the continuation and fulfillment of the unconditional love often provided for us as infants. We are born of parents whom nature, at its best, provides with instinct and wisdom that they may lovingly respond to our needs–simply because we are. Beginning within the womb and beyond, when things go the way nature intended, we experience ourselves as given-to as though we were a pure gift of joy to our human companions who are pleased with us and we with them. This is the imprint by which all our social life, and most centrally our marriage life, is measured.
The hidden themes of marriage are variations on acceptance. Unconditional acceptance is life’s first gift, and our lifetime task is to recover and amplify, in the specifics of our relationships, the infinite variations on this theme.Care is acceptance as we recapitulate the mother’s tender loving gaze and gentle ministrations for each others’ well being. Respect is acceptance as we honor the particularity of our partners in ways that they feel their life “as is” is highly esteemed. Interest is acceptance as we let our partners know that they draw our energy positively and vigorously. Play is acceptance as partners’ flowing, mindless, expressions connect with high pleasure with one another and all life. Attention is acceptance as we feel heard and known by one another, and by this experience confirm our entitled place in life. Power is the energy of acceptance fostered when one surrenders to being with one another, never dominating thus relieving fear, and gathering the synergy of true mutuality.
Robert Caldwell, M. Div. has a private practice of individual, couple, and group psychotherapy in Bethesda. He is a Licensed and Certified Professional Counselor.
I am no authority on teenagers…there are very few in my life. But I was one once, so certainly I have that under my belt. And as I sit on a plane to Greece, I am surrounded by groups of young people off on their two weeks of binge drinking and stranger shagging. Meanwhile I have my head in a tantra book. As I catch morsels of overheard conversations, I am tempted to turn to them and begin to preach the Gospel of Tantra! Don’t do it kids! Don’t separate your consciousness from your sexuality and begin to condition yourselves to a lifetime of sexual experiences in which you are not present!
But hey, most of us did at some point. Perhaps you have to fall in order to pick yourself up. It was only after three years of excessive drinking that I gave up alcohol once and for all and headed to India to find something else of life aged 18 (yes I gave up drinking once I became the legal age to drink!)
But what would it be like if, when those hormones firsts start pumping, someone came to talk to us about Tantra? What if, instead of the conflicting message of “sex is a biological method of reproduction” versus the Hollywood messages of “everyone has flawless bodies and is having a lot of great sex all the time”, we were given some sort of sharing about how sex is related to love, and that it can create very strong experiences. What if the word “sacred” were even mentioned in the same sentence as the word “sex”. What then?
And how about, as those surges of energy come through the young teenage body, someone explained sexual energy? Imagine that concept helping our youth to understand the overwhelming forces at play within, and perhaps even learning a few basic tools to help deal with all of that energy…a little breathwork to support them through moments of intense energy surge. Imagine if we were teaching our young people to understand their own sexual energy before they connect to the energy of another, and then when they do connect they know a little about energies playing together.
How about explaining polarity to children as suddenly they gain a sense of being different from the other sex. How about marking that shift, from child to young adult, with a rite of passage. Returning to nature, as our distant ancestors once did, with our peers and our elders, to find out what it is to become a man/woman. What if, instead of MTV icons of male- and female-ness, teenagers learned about age-old archtypes, and about masculine and feminine energies in nature and the universe. Perhaps we could teach them about our own unique make-up of energies, of masculine and feminine traits and tendencies…and how to be at ease with ourselves just as we are.
What if teenagers were shown how to respect the other sex? Taught how to honour qualities that they may not themselves embody. How to share the delights of our differences…not to try to steal something from the other, or to dominate or gain power over the other.
And how about if teenagers were shown sex beyond the pornographic hard, edgy, loveless sex? What if they were exposed to sensuous and loving union? What if they saw two human beings in real and deep connection, with open eyes seeing one another and open hearts feeling one another. What if they actually glimpsed what it looks like when lovers are seeing the divine in one another …
And how would it be to show our young people the connections between sexuality and nature…to show that sex is natural; that it mirrors the gushing rivers and burning fires; the animal instinct. That some beautiful energies can flow between two bodies, an experience of deep aliveness…what if we let them know that?
How useful would it be to understand a little of creating safe space? Of boundaries…ever-shifting yet hugely important. Of “yes’s” and “no’s” and even options such as “can we just stop and hold each other?” And imagine if young people were taught to find their inner truth, their inner knowing…and learn to trust that. So they are no longer susceptible to the suggestion of every Tom, Dick and Harry, but able instead to look within and find what is right for them in each fresh new moment. Imagine if someone showed them that!
Because then even the adults could relax a bit. Instead of trying desperately to shield their young from sexuality, working against a natural explosion of hormones, parents could rest a little knowing that their children were actually equipped to enter the world of sexuality with the empowerment they need to begin such an epic journey. Not only that, but they might actually have some of the communication skills to discuss it with their parents. The right education would also create the open-minded atmosphere in which teenagers sexual experiences are not all secretive and hidden from fear of being caught.
Many people seek out tantra in their thirties and forties. But why wait? Imagine what a difference it could make if teenagers were initiated into Tantra. Then perhaps I’d be sat on a plane with a load of youthful beings off to seek connection to nature, learn to open their hearts and discover the joys of being a sexual and alive being.
Original Posting at Shashi Solluna