It’s Complicated! – Challenges of Couple-hood Overcome. ( Global – LIVE – Online Workshop)

IS YOUR SEX LIFE SUFFERING?

Do you have all sorts of questions about sex but don’t know where to turn or who to trust?
Are you in an intimate relationship but feeling like things may be getting rocky or stale?
Are you concerned that this relationship may end the same as your last?
Do you wish you felt more passion in your relationship the way you did in the “honeymoon” phase?

Sex, relationships, marriage.

How do you keep things hot? What about when the fire dies down?
Why do some people manage to sustain a “hot, sexy, full of passion relationship when other’s can’t ?

Learn about good sexual communication and how to overcome the major sexual challenges of couple-hood so you can enjoy a juicy relations NOW and ALWAYS.

Kendal Williams will be covering the biggest sources of misunderstanding  seen  in intimate relationships around sexuality, intimacy and love and will teach you as to why these things happen and what to do about them.

Live Global Training on Facebook in Private Closed Group Setting.

Stop Allowing Average and Ordinary into Your Love Life Any Longer?

LEARN MORE AND REGISTER for Class and preliminary Course Material NOW

 

 *Time for LIVE Training is CST

 

If that is honor… F*ck It!

Weep for yourself, my man,
You’ll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You’re not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?
 
– Little Lion Man, Mumford and Sons

This one is for the ladies in the house!

Isn’t love just glorious? We find someone that we just seem to click with and something says, YES.  Next thing we know we have invested not just moments of our lives with this someone but we have also given away pieces of ourselves. We have modified ourselves  to make sure that this one does not  get away. Yet something inside of us is leery and uncertain. We are hopeful but full of fear at the same time. It is like we just know that this one too will leave us.
Months go by and sometimes years, we start to get comfortable and the fear of the loss fades for the most part only popping up in moments when we catch him looking at another woman or watching porn, when he starts to pay more attention to his facebook then to what we have to share about our day.  Our fear shows its face when we find ourselves questioning if he still loves us or if we are pretty any more?  Yes here, here we meet our fear of loss. Here we stand face to face with it.  We become yet again certain that this one too will someday break our hearts. Even though he started out so strong, so full of love and desire for us and with a fierce passion and connection that was beyond measure, we just know.  His promises that he would never leave, that he wants to do whatever he can to make us happy and he feels like he does not deserve us only tear away at our core, because we know the truth.

Oh those sweet words.

They kill the heart with each breath of sharing. They have us trapped on the end of a hook that we cannot pull out of our hearts and that we desire so badly to believe.
“I think your the one.”
” I have never loved like this.”
“I love you fiercely and with every part of me.”
” I want to watch you sleep for the rest our lives.”
” I love you so much, there is nothing I would not do for you.”

Yes those words.

All of us have heard them, probably a few times over.  Inevitably though, they are followed somewhere down the path with:
” I need space.”
“I won’t leave you, but I fully understand if you want to break up.”
” I love you enough to let you go.”
and my all time favorite….

” I just want you to be happy.”

OMFG!!! are you sh*ting me right now? Yes I love you enough to let you go.

I recall a few times that men have told me that, matter a fact ALL the men that I have ever opened my heart to from my father, to the boy I loved and lost my virginity too, to the man that holds my heart today and can crush me without notice, and even those that I have thought I trusted fully and loved deeply but knew that they only could have pieces of me.  EVERY man, that I have become close too in m y 41 years of life has stated at some point these words.
On the front side these words feel and look beautiful. After all the man is honoring you and your wishes. He only wants you happy and even if that costs him his happiness then he is willing to suffer.  It will most likely be a most agonizing pain and he may never recover, but as long as you are happy, then the price is not to high to bare.

How sweet.

When we dig a little deeper into these words what I have discovered is that on the face of it, these men truly do believe and desire for our happiness and are buying into their own weakness as being a strength and an act of love.  It is sad that our society has been unbelievably successful at raising multiple generations of men out there that believe this bullsh*t.  And we women just keep embracing it and saying, ” yeah, he really loves me, so much he would give me up and suffer the rest of his days, just so I could be happy.”

This is CRAZY!

He would give you up?

And suffer so you can be happy?

F*ck NO! Ladies and gentlemen who dare read this, lord I hope a few do dare, every time a man says these words to a woman he is calling out to her worst nightmare, her worst fear and that is, ” I am not worth your love.”  Perhaps we are all a bunch of silly school girls caught up in our favorite love story by wanting a knight in shinning armor to come whisk us off our feet, but here is the thing, we don’t really want saved. We live in a time where we women are powerful in our masculine and we can earn the big bucks, we can buy the house and the car, we can raise the kids on our own. Shit we can even have great sexual climaxes with ourselves. Sex is more open these days. We can have as many partners as we desire and we can explore all aspects of ourselves. We most certainly do NOT need the knight to come rescue us, but it would be nice to find a man who did not turn into a scared little boy and hide when shit got hard and just let us go so easily.

This is not a statement of strength men, this is a statement of LAZINESS!

Our society has raised lazy in love, lazy in sex, lazy in connection men.  The men of today only know how to work hard for a degree and a work promotion or how to get the abs they want, if that. They do not nor do many of them have the desire to do the work and stand in the flames of authentic relating with a woman. They feel that they cannot fight for her because that may appear as though they are asserting their masculine power over her in some way and trying to force her to do something she does not want, they feel that if they fight that they will harm the feminine.

And in turn what they are doing is destroying the feminine heart and our trust in the masculine.

To fight for your lady love, does not mean that you don’t take her no for a no. It means that you wake the F*ck UP and start paying attention before things get to the goodbye. It means that you be her knight every day, by slowing down in the bedroom and making love to her instead of asking for the quickie which only says, ” Come here honey, let me use you as a masturbation toy, your physical body and emotions don’t mean enough to me to take the time.”
It means that you take the time to court her and date her even if you just celebrated your 40th anniversary, because you  never have her, you always need to earn her.  It means that you take care of yourself, of your health and your well being because you want to live a long time to be with her. It means that you stop and listen to her, that you inquire and show that you care what is happening in her day. It means that when the goodbye comes that you don’t just sluff it off and say, “I will do whatever you want as long as you are happy,” but instead ask how  can  I capture her heart again?

” A woman does not want to be an object of duty, she wants to be desired.“- John Eldredge, Journey of Desire

We have come to a point in time where men have forgotten how to be men. They have forgotten how to court, how to peruse, and how to desire and love their women.  We women have caused much of this with our desires to be equal and to prove ourselves to the world and to our selves. Our new found feminist superhero forms have us conquering everything like a man but never being conquered through desire or in the bedroom. Here  we are still women with energetic cocks flaunting all over the place and keeping ourselves supposedly safe in our heads where our grand fortresses cannot be overtaken. We control our relationships and we control our sex. Thus we control our lack of true orgasm and we suffer the consequences by raising a male population that believes that they are being mature and good honoring men by avoiding their desire. By not courting and instead suggesting , “Let’s go dutch,” while they let the lady grab the door and carry all the groceries.
“If you are with a man you don’t trust, it is only because you prefer unsurrendered love to surrendering wide open in total trust. It feels safe. You are afraid to let go of control–part of you doesn’t trust love’s command–so you have chosen a man who doesn’t demand your surrender with his depth of integrity. If you did trust the command of love, you would only settle for a deep man capable of opening you more deeply than you could instruct him.” — David Deida, Way of the Superior Man
The issue here is not over doors and groceries, physical strength or even courtesy, no the issue is that men are NOT LEADING. Men are not COURTING. Men are not PERSUING.
Men are HOWEVER going against their true nature and living outside of their integrity, everyday. They are doing this with their woman and they are doing this all areas of life.

“The way you penetrate your woman, is the way you penetrate life.” – David Deida

Men in today’s world are scared to lead and have no concept of what leading looks like especially when it comes to intimate relationship.  So they screw up left and right by being overly direct or skittish.  They have no middle ground where they lead.  Today many men suffer, yes this they do, they suffer from a lack of desire,  a lack of leadership, a lack of manhood. Today men do things in hopes that it will be honoring and respectful, show the women how they feel, but in turn they only end up hurting the woman, the relationship and loosing the girl.
They will loose her every time too, until they awaken to their truth.
Women must stop accepting men at this level and we must STOP encouraging it by continuing with this superchick mentality of , ” I got this!” Men must on the other hand learn to go to their deepest levels of self and feel into themselves. They must feel their  desire, they must feel their deep love, they must feel their fear and breathe into it, not past it but into it.  It is through the fear, the deep love and the desire that their purpose is and it is NOT until they embrace their purpose as a man that they can keep the girl.
A woman WILL NEVER respect a man who does not have purpose. She will NEVER trust a man who cannot feel himself fully and her fully, and she WILL NEVER surrender to a man who cannot LEAD.

” I love you enough to let you go.” Is a statement of a broken masculine.

Ladies, embrace your men with love and wild abandon. Do this through demanding him to stand in his leadership role.  STOP feeling like he is trying to conquer you with control and start seeing how his desire is your surrender.  If you love your man, TEST YOUR MAN.  Without your tests and fires he will never embrace his heart. Until he embraces his heart he will remain lost. Here is where the feminine leads the masculine. We lead him into his heart by opening our own.

In order to do this though….

We women must first regain our connection to our hearts and pussies and become the divine feminine that God created us to be.  We women have forgotten our hearts as well and are mad at the masculine for not feeling us, when we ourselves have forgotten our hearts desire and are fearful of receive the blessings that lye there.

The first step to true honoring is this…

LEAN INTO YOUR DEEPEST LOVING HEART.

LEAN INTO YOUR DESIRE.

And F*ck this false version of honor!

–KW

I’m a Sex Coach, Not a Sex Worker

As of late, I have been under a bit of scrutiny from several people about my sex coaching business, everywhere from friends to family to other colleagues who all have misconstrued beliefs about what sex coaches do. Honestly, I am not shocked because the truth is that sex coaching is fairly new in mainstream consciousness. If you met ten sex coaches, they would also all have a slightly different way of coaching and different elements that are included in this coaching. Even in my local area, I can think of several sex coaches, and every single one of us approaches coaching in a different manner. Some use more direct talking methods, some incorporate more spiritual practices, some use more straight education, and others are more experiential. This is on top of the fact that sex is still a taboo topic in our society, so it’s no wonder that I get both horrified and intrigued looks when I share with others the career I am so passionate about.

There’s a vast variety of questions and assumptions that people have when hearing that myself and my fellow colleagues are sex coaches. That being said, the one that comes up the most is, “Are you a prostitute? So you have sex with your clients?”

I do not have sex with my clients. Again, I do not have sex with my clients! And one more time since people struggle to hear this one, I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY CLIENTS! I have zero judgments against individuals who choose to make a living via prostitution. In my life, I have known several women who have been sex workers to survive and, unfortunately, were forced to do so illegally due to our current laws. It makes me very happy to see places like Vegas that are trying to take the oldest career known to man and make it safer for both the client and the sex worker. Sex is a normal and natural pleasure afforded to us as humans that keeps us healthy and vibrant. It’s not my place to say if someone needs or desires to pay someone to have these needs met because, honestly, not everyone is lucky enough to have a committed partner. I believe in sex work when done in a safe and consensual manner.

That being said, I am not a prostitute. All the sex coaches I know (and I know quite a few) and I have the policy that they do not have intercourse or perform or receive oral sex from clients. I have written that on my website in several places and tell clients when I first meet them that although I am helping people with sex, this does not mean I am having sex with them. Yet, it is a question I get asked almost weekly. And it is actually one that has provided my colleagues and me with some funny stories.

One day, I was doing an initial Tantric mindfulness session—which includes some meditation, breathing, and Kundalini activation—with a brand new client. My sex coaching practice was somewhat new, and as he felt his sexual energy activate, he opened his eyes, looked right at me, and said, “I’ve decided that I want to practice having Tantric sex, and you love Tantric sex, and so you’re going to have Tantric sex with me next time.” I lifted one eyebrow and reminded him of all the different times we had discussed boundaries and how sex is not a part of sex coaching. He became desperate and began gyrating his hips to “show me” how good he would be at this practice. I worked incredibly hard at not bursting into hysterics at that moment, and once I had composed myself, I set some limits with him, and unfortunately, he chose not to have any more sessions with me after that initial session. It is definitely a story that I will always remember and one that has provided me with vital learning lessons—no matter how much I state what I DON’T do, there will always be people that don’t want to hear it.

Different practitioners have different boundaries surrounding the level of touch, if any, and also the nature of what happens in sessions. But unless it is specifically stated that we are offering sexual surrogacy, then they most likely are not offering to have sex with their clients. And honestly, even many sex surrogates don’t actually have intercourse with clients.

That being said, am I going to try to help stir some sexual energy? Yes! Our sexual energy (Kundalini energy) is what keeps us alive, what you tap into during many yoga practices, and what gives us as humans much of our drive. I view our sexual energy as a major tool in manifesting the lives we want, as the spiritual connection we are looking for, and as a way to take the connection within ourselves and in relationships to a deeper place. However, this energy can be stirred simply by breathing! I, personally, am not just a sex coach but actually first and foremost a Tantric practitioner who utilizes these principles in my practice. This still does not mean I am having sex with my clients!

In our society, and especially in the Bible belt, many practices are shunned without a true and honest understanding. People allow their ignorance to speak first without asking questions. Just like sex coaching is not as it appears, neither is the practice of Tantra, which is not solely about sex but instead about weaving our energy throughout life. The aspects that are sexual are about bringing greater awareness and honor into our sex lives and using this awareness to bring us closer to our spiritual source, ourselves, and our partners. I know having honor and true worship during sex is a foreign concept to many in the Western world, where porn, objectification, and hookup culture are rampant, but this is the true nature of Tantra and what I teach in my sex coaching practice. So I view the use of Tantra as important in not only my sex coaching but also coaching of any kind because, at the end of the day, most humans desire more fulfilling and happier lives.

As a sex coach, I want you to be able to dig deeper into your own feelings, thoughts, and beliefs surrounding sex. I want you to learn to connect with your own body and your partner’s body in new and exciting ways. I want you to experience energy in sessions that is orgasmic … but not necessarily have what is typically seen as orgasm/climax in session.

So if I’m not having sex with you, then what am I doing?

I’m holding a space for you to talk about your shame, your desires, your sexual difficulties. I’m helping you reawaken your energy and passion while creating the life you have always dreamed of having. I am educating you on chakras, your genitals, your partner’s genitals, breathing, orgasm, and basically anything you can think of in regards to sex. I am helping you feel more into your body and recognize that your sexual energy, when used throughout your life, will provide you with a new level of energy and vitality and the ability to attack your life.

Honestly, yes, there will be dildos, “pussy pillows,” lube, and other sex toys for demonstrations, so if this offends you, then I suggest you not come into my office. There will most definitely be words used that may make you blush and conversations that make you squirm a little, and that’s okay. I’m not here to have sex with you, but I am here to reintroduce you to your sex.

My work is done mostly with your brain, your heart, and your soul, not your genitals!

Written by Addison Bell

Wanting, Willing & Taking – Understanding Desire

” A gift unopened is a gift not valued.”- KW

threesome

” There I lay with my legs spread wide open as I looked my lover in the eye’s. He was sweating, heated, passionate. Full of arousal and pleasure. His turn on was fulfilling at a deep level. With every thrust of his cock I could sense that this experience was beyond his anticipation and I was honored that I could gift him with it. As he thrusted himself into another’s woman pussy and she was devouring mine I could tell that the sheer act that I would be open to another woman going down on me and to make matters even more divine that she would be eating me out while he was having his way with her doggy style and getting to watch her enjoying me was by far the best Christmas present I could have come up with.

As she gasped for air and moaned from her pleasure and turn on he too became more aroused and leaned deeper into his own pleasure. From my vantage their joy and pleasure were beyond beauty. I found myself caught not in pleasure, not in rapture or orgasm of the physical realms but that of a deep emotional love for this man. In this moment I truly was not body present, if anything I was physically turned off from my own orgasm, but what I had discovered was a sexual giving that could not be touched and a beauty and appreciation for this world and our sex that I did not understand prior.

The adventure moved forward and before long I found myself in a 69 position with this woman and my partner now taking turns fucking her pussy up close and personal not more that a few inches away from eyes and face and then occasionally pulling out of her and thrusting deep into my mouth. Every time he switched from pussy to mouth or vise versa I could see the pulsing energy of his cock expand and he wanted so badly to take all that he could out of this moment. Once again I found myself hearing her moans, feeling her body on top of mine, her breathing changing and her body quivering, her pussy dripping with juices and wanting more but I could not feel her tongue, her lips and fingers as they danced along my vulva and found themselves in me. No, once again I was not able to truly drop down into my body and feel what was happening. But I could feel the high orgasmic energy of my partner and of our playmate. In this instance I found a new arousal yet again, it was a sort of mystery and joy combined in some sexual dance as I watched his cock and balls penetrate and slap up against her and then felt him not just quiver but literally vibrate as he penetrated my mouth. Holding his very hard cock deep in my throat, just past that tight spot I could get little gasps of air as he pulsed and moaned. This, this made me aroused. This activated me some.

Before long I was now on my back, our playmate sitting back sharing how great her view was. My pussy wide open before her and my partner now between my legs now taking me fully while she watched and masturbated to our live lovemaking scene. I could hear her moan, I could smell her in the room. His groans and growls with his ever deepening penetration was a turn on but once again, it was a mental and emotional turn on, it was a deeply intimate affair that made my heart leap with joy but my orgasm was no where to be found physically.”

This was a small take away from my first ever threesome with another woman. I had decided that I was going to gift my partner with something that he had always desired. A fantasy of his and I was over joyed that the whole experience was so beautiful. I still hold so much gratitude to the woman that we chose to share this moment with and who helped to deepen our intimacy as a couple. I wanted to gift the man I love with something I knew he had never been given and I was ecstatic that I was a woman who was willing to play in territories that were not always comfortable or about myself. I had not always been this way, my self-doubt, guilt, shame and concepts of giving and receiving had changed tremendously through the years and still do from time to time as I learn about myself and my own needs and desires. However I can say that the ability to share oneself without a need to receive is something that I cherish in myself. I also cherish the fact that I am extremely comfortable stating my boundaries and desires as well as needs in these areas.

As much as I love to give without receiving I also am not afraid to ask for what I desire. I have learned that giving of this nature can only happen when I myself am in a state of fullness and even better if my cup runneth over with orgasmic bliss already, as in these times are when I am not only willing to give and excited about it, but I want to give freely. In such moments I find my orgasm in others. I feel it when they express their joy, their pleasure. I feel my turn on not in the physical but in my heart and I experience a deeper layer of orgasmic living through this. These moments to me are very unsexual. They are playful education that help me remain in a state of acceptance, appreciation and openness.

This is where one’s willingness and wanting come together in a perfect dance to share love with someone in a special format that is not often understood by any of the parties in the moment it is happening. This is sharing of the unconditional sort.

Willingness Vs. Wanting

We all think that we understand the difference of these two. It seem’s pretty simple. Does it not?

“I am willing to help you move this weekend even though I actually want to just crash and veg on the couch because I am exhausted from the week.”

“I want to go to see Doctor Strange but am willing to see Moana instead.”

These are simple things to see the act of willingness with. The act of giving to another and not doing exactly what we want in the moment so that another can have pleasure with us, or through us  or accomplish something that they might need or want to but would like our help with. This does not make the person receiving self-centered. It does allow them to be selfish though and selfishness is not a bad thing as long as we are willing to be grateful for it, give back when possible and do not ever put another into a situation of harm or trauma.

When we are self-centered we tend to not be concerned about others. In these times we express our desires for what we feel are our needs or wants and we do not stop to think about the cost to others, nor do we care. When we are self-centered we are like a bull in a friends china shop and we disregard everything but what we are focused on. We also typically do not allow for space to occur for someone else to make a decision of how they feel or if they want, are willing or otherwise around whatever we are pushing for.

Let me share a brief story to help clarify self-centeredness in sexing:

A few years back I worked with a couple and the main spiff they had was around anal sex. The man loved anal sex and the woman occasionally liked it but most of the time was not interested as it was not her major turn on and she had even been hurt during it a few times. The husband could not understand why his wife would not always enjoy this practice so he thought that if he insisted on doing it more consistently and “assured her” that she liked it during the process that she would get a clue and start to enjoy it as much as he did.

When I spoke to the husband he always shared his concern that she was not understanding how great this act was or her own pleasure. He was convinced that her complaints were false and that for some reason she was just trying to take away his pleasure. When I spoke with the wife she shared that it hurt horribly and his aggressive nature, lack of asking her if she was wanting or even willing to play like this caused her a lot of stress. She was ready to pull the plug on the marriage if it continued. And she did in the end. The husband was shocked that she would divorce him for asking for what he wanted and it being such a small matter at that.

This couple shares a true tale of one partner being self-centered and ONLY concerned about his own pleasure and gratification. To the point of insisting that his wife did not understand what was happening with her own body and emotions.

That is not selflishness though!

Selfishness is another animal all together. We miss use the word all the time and therefore tend to wrap guilt and shame around something that is actually needed and we should have more of.
Yes I just said that you and I alike NEED to be selfish more!

Selfishness is when we ask for what we need. Selfishness does not mean that we will always get what we are asking for or that we should, it simply says that we know that we need something and that we know that we need to take care of ourselves. If we need another to help us fulfill this then we need to ask for it but if we can achieve it without another or can look elsewhere then often it is more than okay to do this as long as we remain in openness and integrity.

An example of being selfish would be:

After I had my seventh child I was having a really tough time gaining feeling back in my vaginal walls. It took me almost twice as long as previous postpartums. That did not stop my libido though, but the over tiredness and toddler who slept between my partner and myself plus the newborn did not make for the best of grounds for getting back in the saddle. On top of it when my partner and I had sex I could hardly feel him and could not orgasm. This all started doing a mind fuck on me and I found myself not interested in sex with my partner the way that I wanted to be. I knew that I was depleted of orgasmic energy and all the good hormones that get released and help support our bodies emotionally, mentally and physically when we are full on orgasm. I knew that if I did not get this soon that I would sink into depression even further and my old programs would have a better grip on me than normal. I knew that if I did not take care of myself and frequently that I would loose so much of myself and not be able to give to the world any more. So I took matters into my own hands and got SELFISH!!!!

I masturbated every morning. Being in an open relationship also allowed me to ask for more sex with not just my one partner but to pull in my other partner as well and start working my orgasm out in anyway possible. I asked my partners to go down on me, I asked to use toys, I even created some hot scenes that were playful and shared them and said that I wanted to try them. From someone looking in they may have said, ” This woman is a sex addict, she needs help, she is not thinking about anyone but herself.” They would have been right about one thing, I needed help, I needed to help myself and be selfish and I needed support from those who loved me.

Wanting, willing and taking. When we fully understand the differences we should be able to see the positive and negative that they all carry with them, just like anything in life.

Sometimes our wanting is so strong that it makes us forget about others. Other times our wanting is an act of sharing or a desire that we hope will be granted or at least heard in love and acceptance so that we can feel closer and more seen.

Our willingness is often based on one of three things:

*Love or care for another
*Guilt
*Compromise or control

The last two are based in fear and not even acts of selflessness, but acts of victim-hood and an inability to stand up for our own needs and boundaries. The first is based in love and often is unconditional and if it is conditional we are quick to set our terms.

When we speak of taking, it sounds so mean. Like we are stealing something or causing harm to another by taking. This is only sometimes true. Once again look at the motive behind the act. Look at the act itself. And most importantly realize that in any healthy relationship that one can ONLY take what is offered otherwise it is not a healthy relationship to start with. If you are taking without  being offered then you need to examine your actions and realize that you are causing trauma. If you take something that is being offered  authentically with no ill emotional back lash (i.e. guilt) then you are honoring your relationship and the gift bestowed upon you.

We take forcefully and we also take what we are being gifted. Ask yourself which it is and then choose wisely.

Honor those you love through the  act of unconditional sharing and through the art of receiving. Remember that the gifts given that are unconditional are often the most beautiful.

—KW
*Image from Samarel Liquid Erotica

Are You A Fuck Yes to Your Full Potential?

“The ONLY place you need to be – is in your magic zone. We all have a magic zone. We all use our zone. All the time. The trick is being conscious to what we are creating and making sure that our magic zone is being used for all the bliss, joy, play and abundance it was intended instead of the suffering, fear, destruction and chaos so many of us choose to use it for. — What are you creating?” – KW

fuckyeah

Be Your Full Potential This Coming Year!

Here we sit yet once again at the end of one year and the ushering into another. You would think that the whole world would be truly celebrating that we as a world society get to move forward into the next arena of life on this planet. You would think that each and every soul on this planet including yourself would be ecstatic with joy and hope for the new year and all it has to offer. After all new years is all about getting a fresh start. Having learned what we needed from the past year we can now move forward with an excitement and expectation of greatness. However it is more common for for us to be experiencing pain, suffering, fear, anger, remorse and almost a desire for this time to not move forward but to somehow reset to the beginning of the current year so that we can travel through it with 20/20 vision and make different choices, see things differently, and act differently.

For more than 80%of the population we may have a desire to make this new year one of all our dreams coming true, or at very least sticking to most of our goals and making some positive life changes so that we can feel accomplished at the end of the day and year. We desire that the feelings we are having and trying to ignore through too much alcohol, food, partying and random excessive entertainment with games and television, we desire not to ignore these feelings but to simply NOT have them to begin with. Therefore we desire CHANGE. Transformation.

There are so many people in my life that I know are experiencing these sensations. I have seen people go through divorce this years end, have been served papers for it or finished a long process with it. Many uncertain as to the standings of their relationship status. I have seen many people loose their jobs, their homes, cars. Not have enough food on their tables for nightly dinner. There are many who I know who are dealing with death this season in one way or another and even some that have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and find themselves feeling like they NOW don’t have the time to give and share all that they thought they were going to be able too. I have seen people question their purpose all year long. I have seen people try and make their purpose their relationship. I have seen people dig and get mad to the point of quitting because they have no clue what to do with what is surfacing and they have no idea how the things coming up serve them healing what they had originally set out to work on.

I have also seen many people discover love. Purpose. Direction.

Everything that I have seen has NOTHING to do with what we choose to typically focus on at this time of the year. That being how many presents we got or gave, or the deal we got or even the president of the USA. None of the things that truly matter are the things that our media or lifestyles has us focusing on.

The things that matter are REALLY SIMPLE.

The bottom line for every human being is the same.

We ALL WANT HAPPINESS.

Everything that we do is an attempt to achieve this sensation.

We change or stay in a relationship because we hope it will make us happy.

We keep a job or strive for a new one because we hope it will lead to happiness.

We exercise and change what our diets are to loose weight or firm up our bodies, not because we truly care what we look like, but because we are hoping that the look and feeling of our bodies will make us happy in some way.

We learn new things to bring more joy into our lives. Weather that is through experience or money.

We offer our helping hand not because we truly believe that it is needed, wanted or should happen (although we convince ourselves of this) but because we hope that in our pursuit to be a “good person” that we will be happier.

EVERYTHING – everything, that we do is about OUR happiness.

So why is it so damn fucking hard to actually do the things that will truly make us happy and give us ever lasting change and the creation of our FUCK YES LIFE?

Why do we choose to find excuses as to not do the things and get the help that we need in life to make the life that we desire?

You know it is said that if you desire something, that the thing desires you as well. In other words, the things we crave at our soul level are calling to us and asking us to do the things that we need to do to grow ourselves and create the consciousness required to connect to our desires.

Each and everyone of us has a the same ability to make the choices that we need to make for ourselves to create the life that we want for this coming New Year.

*

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The only real question’s you need to ask yourself are these:

What are your top 1-3 areas of change/transformation that you know you need or want to work on in this new year?
What is the long term impact of not making these changes?
If things stay the same what does it mean to you and what does it look like?
What is different NOW compared to 6 months, a year ago, five years ago?
What is your commitment level to yourself to make these changes?

What is the ONE thing you need to do in life to die happy?

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Make this year a year of your full potential.

You deserve your greatness to be revealed.

It is truly fucking time to STOP playing small!

Our world needs YOU!

I can tell you that the world needs more men, women, couple’s turned on, vibrant, living on purpose and by their desires.

The world needs people who are transforming the world through their passion for life. This is ONLY done through opening up NOT to more work – but more PLAY.

More PLEASURE.

The ONLY secret you ever need learn to have the life that you know you deserve and desire is the lesson to ALLOW YOUR OWN PLEASURE.

We have had our ability to receive pleasure in all forms taught right out of us. Our world is so focused on living by scarcity and taunt economics. No great thing every happened without allowing for some deliberate slack. In the slack we prevent the hyperactivity of our minds, energy and drive. In hyperactivity we loose fun, pleasure and joy. Everything becomes work and we cannot breathe or flow.

When we embrace that “slack” equals room to change. Room to grow. To create. We then open the doorway to the creation of our desires.

We gain compassion, understanding, direction.

There most certainly is an art to living in your bliss. But it is a most delicious process. And for those of us who choose to transform our lives and therefore the lives of all on this planet through pleasure, play and happiness we KNOW that it is a venture well worth moving into.

But it requires Your ALL.

Are you ready to make this a year of your full potential?
Are your ready t o have the Fuck YES Life you deserve?
Are you ready to live out the year having the relationships, the sex, the money, the career, the travel, the health that you want?

This and MORE is possible.

Take my hand and take the plunge into your GREATNESS!

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Email me about being in the Pre-launch group for my New Fuck Yes to Life Coaching – and discover the top 10 focuses you need to play with to have the life you desire in 2017!!! DON’T Wait. The Pre- launch pricing will only be offered to the first 50 people who si

I think your a sex addict… are you though?

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So, can sex be a true addiction? I can’t tell you how often people not only ask me this question but also how often I’ll hear people throw the words “Sex Addict” around.

Lately I have seen several articles and been involved in a few conversations with colleagues about Sex Addiction. In my experience people tend to have strong feelings around this topic.

Some people say that sex addiction is just another way to pathologize people and label them. Others say that sex is like a drug and can be used/abused, can be dangerous, and something to be approached with care. I believe both can be and are true.

I personally have worked in the past with people that have been labeled as sex addicts. Some of these individuals I believe were indeed mislabeled and yet others had created severe damage in their lives in the pursuit of sex. I’ve listened to stories from my past clients about going broke, ruining relationships, ending up in jail, and ruining their health in order to find sex.

So to me, the question is not if Sex Addiction (or abuse of sex) is real because I have seen the damage in my clients’ lives. I think the question is what is and what is not sex addiction!

What is Sex Addiction?

            Technically there is no such thing as sex addiction in terms of medical terminology. An addiction of any form is simply a laymen’s term for what the medical and psychological community call abuse/dependence. The closest medical term that has been offered for what society considers Sex Addiction is “Hypersexual Disorder” which was not approved for usage in the latest addition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel (DSM 5), which is where all diagnoses of psychological disorders come from. Some also consider withholding sex a form of sex addition (“Sexual Anorexia”), which would fall under the category of Hypo-sexual disorder. Also, medical professionals have been unable to even determine what sex addiction is because it is often used to define any behavior that deviates from societal norms. This includes “excessive” sexual intercourse, masturbation, viewing of pornography, partners, etc.

            The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” Since there is no agreed upon definition of what a sex addiction is, I would like to offer what I use with my clients to determine when someone has entered an unhealthy territory in the way of sexual behaviors.

•           Are you able to function in your daily life? (Going to work, taking care of adult     responsibilities, taking care of physical health, etc.)

•           Are you continuing to engage in behaviors despite intense dangers to your physical           health, career, or financial well-being?

•           Are you unable to stop the behaviors despite them no longer bringing you pleasure?

If someone says, “Yes,” to the above situation, then they very well might be stuck in an addictive cycle with sex, porn, or masturbation. Thankfully there are many wonderful therapists/coaches that work with sex addiction and can help determine what emotional needs are trying to be met through these behaviors.

What Sex Addiction is NOT!

Often Sex Addiction is used as a scapegoat for Cheating, Lying, Jealousy, and Taboo behaviors. As long as the below behaviors are not stopping normal adult functioning, a sex addiction is not:

•           Cheating: Just because a partner is enjoying sex with another person(s) does not mean    they are addicted. It means that there is a breakdown somewhere in the communication and the relationship. Often women particularly will struggle emotionally with the thought of a partner cheating and so will label that other person a sex addict. I believe people often see it as a more acceptable/ less embarrassing than having to admit their partner  cheated OR the person engaging in the infidelity finds it easier than having to manage the repercussions of infidelity.  Cheating can cause emotional turmoil on both sides but   that does not make it a sex addiction

•           Polyamory/Open Relationships: Just because a person chooses a different lifestyle does not make them have an addiction. Often people are under the impression that people in   these types of relationships are “sex crazed” and are constantly engaging in dangerous sexual experiences. Research studies have actually shown the exact opposite, that people in these relationships communicate and take more precautions for safety in sex than single/monogamous couples. However, instead of learning about these lifestyles, it is easier to smack a label on a person or think they are just choosing that lifestyle for the sex.

•           Pornography: I do not personally like pornography because I think it can push unhealthy standards but a person does not have an addiction just because they enjoy viewing  pornography. Viewing porn can be a healthy part of adult sexual experiences. Many couples pursue pornography to add spice into a relationship and many single people use it to meet their basic human needs in a safe and healthy manner.

•           Enjoying Sex/Sex-ploration: Many times I will hear people throw the word sex addict out when they hear about a person engaging in more sex then they deem “appropriate.” Based on religious beliefs, upbringing, and our society, many people have strong ideals on what is and is not okay. The truth is we have no right to tell others when their desires/needs have been met or to limit them according to our personal ideals of sex. A person could have a new sex partner every night for a year and still not be a sex addict!

•           Masturbation: Again, masturbation is a super healthy aspect of human sexuality and does not mean a person is a sex addict. Our bodies are meant to be enjoyed and so we don’t get to tell others how often that is okay.

•           Taboo Sex: As we expand as a society, more and more people are venturing into new       sexual territory. There is a reason why 50 Shades of Grey took the nation by storm! In our ignorance of a sexual preference we often label people as having a “problem.” As adults we have the right to explore whatever we like in the privacy of our own bedroom (outside of illegal preferences such as child abuse or animal abuse).  Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t make it an addiction.

Sex Addiction is serious and can very much ruin a person’s life. If a person truly has a sex addiction then they do need help to put their lives back together. In true sexual addiction, the person needs to explore the pain and patterns that are keeping them stuck in a destructive cycle. There are some amazing therapy and treatment centers out there to help these individuals. Though beware because there are some other treatment centers that turn this addiction into a moral issue and will try to shame the addiction out of a person or suggest taking on habits such as celibacy. These treatments are not effective and will often just drive the addict deeper into the addiction long-term.

Sex Addiction is not a scapegoat phrase or something to be thrown around in order to express your dislike of a person’s sexual behaviors. It’s not an excuse for infidelity and not a rationale for someone having a high sexual appetite.

Original Article on RecovertoLife written by Kelly Martin, LPC, LCDC, Experiential Life Coach

Are You A Fuck Yes to Your Relationship?

209787-Live-A-Fuck-Yes-LifeFUCK YES OR NO

 

Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?

There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.

“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?”
“Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?”
“He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”

Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.

Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.

Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.

These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.

Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?

What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?

You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?

The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said, “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.

This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:

  1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
  2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
  3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
  4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
  5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.

Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.

Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.

(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself — you know, treating her like a human and empathizing with her — often solves this “problem.”)

Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.

Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.

Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.

Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship.

The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something, otherwise you’re just wasting your time.

A common Fuck Yes response from a woman. Flowers and all.
A common Fuck Yes response from a woman. Flowers and all.

But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.

The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.

The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild response, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.

And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.

On Becoming a Real Man (And How to Find One)

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Below are the choices that I believe define a man, and contribute to healthier relationships in all forms, especially with self. This list is based on my experiences as a friend, son, brother, boyfriend, husband, and therapist.

I don’t claim to posses all of these traits. I actually struggle with most of them. You may or may not agree with my stance. Some are light. Some are heavy. They are in no particular order.

My intent is to create a dialogue. Nothing else. My hope is that if you are a man, it encourages you to think about who you want to be. If you are a woman, to think about whom you want to be with.

We live in a fatherless nation. Many of our fathers were or are physically or emotionally absent. I’ve seen the effects of this in the men and women who come to me for life-coaching, as well as the kids I’ve treated in residential rehab for substance abuse. The absent father contributes to eating disorders, addictions, dysfunctional or abusive relationships, codependency, low self-esteem, depression, and suicide.

Most men are not aware of their impact.

Most men are oblivious to the emotional destruction they leave behind. And women must raise the bar and set a standard for the kind of men they want in their lives.

I want to thank all the men out there who have decided to look at themselves with courage to change, all the men making an honest effort to be good fathers, better husbands, and kinder friends — men who have sacrificed for their family, neighbors, and country.

I want to thank men working in mental health, hospitals, and classrooms, men who wear uniforms, police officers, firefighters, and soldiers. These are the true leaders of our world and I hope to follow in their footsteps. We are not born men. Becoming a man requires reflection, pain, courage, and sometimes a rebirth. It is a process that never ends.

How To Be A Real Man & How To Find One

DON’T argue.

Arguments are usually about two hurt people not being heard. Instead of hearing each other and addressing the hurt, we compete to see who can pull out the most shit from the past.

MEN: Break the cycle. She’s arguing with you because she’s not feeling heard. So put your point aside and focus on making her feel heard. Do this by practicing empathy, putting yourself in her shoes.

Once she feels heard, the argument can turn into a discussion. Express your point. If it gets heated again, don’t argue. Go back to addressing her feelings, making her feel heard. Make it a nonnegotiable that you will not argue. It takes two people to have a tug of war. If you refuse to hold the rope, there is no war.

You might be thinking, “Well, why should I back down first?”

What do you get from being right other than resentment and a stiff back from sleeping on the couch?

WOMEN: Exactly the same thing I said to the men.

DON’T be a bully.

Bullies aren’t just angry kids on the playground. They’re grownups. They run companies, wear uniforms, and raise families. They exist at work, home, and church. You may be sleeping with one.

The act of bullying comes in many forms, not just physical. There is emotional bullying, financial bullying, spiritual bullying, and mental bullying to name a few.

Ultimately, a bully is someone who tries to take away someone else’s power so that they can feel like they have more. For them, this feeling of being powerless creates fear and it’s this fear that drives them to be manipulative, controlling, aggressive, and abusive. Simply put, bullies are cowards. They are afraid to face their own defects and deficiencies, so they make others aware of their own.

MEN: Bullies were bullied. Break the cycle. You’re not bad. You’re hurt. This behavior does not make you powerful. It makes you powerless. Take the power back by taking responsibility for your actions and how they impact others.

WOMEN: Do you want a bully as a husband, father, or friend?

DON’T be creepy.

Being creepy comes from a false belief that one is not good enough. That builds up a fear of rejection, which engages the fight or flight mechanism. The fear can manifest as rubbing against women in dark clubs, stalking on Facebook, driving by the coffee shop to make sure she is with who she said she would be with, and, of course, overthinking everything.

MEN: First, know that being creepy repels women more than Ed Hardy shirts. Second, know that you can’t just stop being creepy. In order to stop, you must explore your wiring, your fear, and begin a process of acceptance. Simply put, you must grow.

WOMEN: When you run into someone who’s being creepy, imagine that person as Peter Pan. An adult child. Know that this person is immature, not evil. It’s a behavior men revert to because they lack certain tools.

I understand that that doesn’t make you any more attracted to them, but understanding allows empathy. My wish is that you empathize instead of criticize. Use their stunted growth to promote yours.

DO walk with mirrors.

Walking with mirrors means shattering the version of you that is false. In order to know which version is false, we must examine our thoughts, behaviors, and the effect we have on others. It also means taking responsibility for them by making a choice to choose differently if necessary. To walk with mirrors means to constantly examine self and to seek growth and truth.

MEN: Think about all the men you admire, from professional athletes to CEOs to musicians to your favorite grandfather. Who do you admire and why? You may be in awe of a man’s ability. The way Donald Trump makes money, Tiger woods sinks balls, and Tony Robbins motivates millions.

But the person you admire the most is probably the one who admits his defects and does something about it. The man who is vulnerable, transparent, and nondefensive. The man who is humble and honest.

WOMEN: Any man can build abs. Any man can make money. Find a man who walks with mirrors and you will not only find a man, but you will find a leader, a hero.

DO make your bed.

MEN: Why fix something that’s just going to get messed up in 10 hours? On the surface, making your bed shows that you’re clean, responsible, and willing to contribute to the household chores. But on a deeper level, you’re announcing to your partner, and to yourself, that you are going somewhere. You are now leaving to conquer the world. You have direction, a dream in your head, a fire in your belly.

I know you’re rolling your eyes, but humor me for a moment. Women want a man with direction. Without it, she will begin to doubt her man, and a woman in doubt means a relationship in trouble. The chemistry will change for the worse and she won’t know why. She’ll blame it on surface things like your dirty socks and why you “need” HBO.

Making your bed is about the subtext you’re sending out. You are saying you have direction, and you’re going out to conquer. So make your bed, or the only thing you’ll be doing on it is sleeping.

WOMEN: You don’t want him to make the bed. You want him to want to make the bed. How do you do this? Support him in his endeavors and make him feel invincible. Let him know that what he gets up to do every single morning is important and that you’re proud of him. Be consistent and mean it.

DO be humble.

The common thread in all great leaders is humility. When we are humble, we are open. There is space for self-understanding, awareness, and reflection. Only when we have accepted our imperfections can we be truly powerful. Unity is formed, which then builds trust. Trust allows people to feel safe, which creates cohesion, which creates change.

If a leader is self-centered, he are closed. There is no discussion. Only pointed fingers. This does not allow space for understanding or awareness or responsibility. No responsibility means no unity which means no trust, which ultimately means no growth.

MEN: When you think about all the men you respect and admire, how many of them display a sense of superiority, or talk at you instead of to you? You may respect and admire someone’s ability but that does not mean you respect and admire that person.

WOMEN: Don’t confuse humility with a lack of confidence. A man who listens more than speaks, observes first, and responds instead of reacts, may appear insecure and not sure of himself. But he’s actually being open. This ability requires courage. A humble man is a confident man.

DO kiss like you mean it.

Do you remember your first kiss? Of course you do. You know exactly where you were and what you were wearing. You remember wondering if you should use your tongue, and how long you should keep your eyes shut. But what you remember the most isn’t how it went. It’s how you felt. The butterflies in your stomach, the fear in your heart. The feeling you received, the energy you gave back. You don’t remember because you were curious. You remember because you wanted it to mean something.

Do you remember your 2,123rd kiss?

Of course you don’t.

When we kiss someone new, it’s exciting. It’s our first conduit into experiencing the other person intimately. It’s exciting.

Once we’re in a relationship, however, kissing becomes routine. Rarely do we kiss to discover. We forget the meaning behind kissing. Kissing means to express, connect, validate, assure, give, share, and explore.

MEN: Hold her face, touch her lips, look into her soul. Kiss her as if nothing else matters, as if time doesn’t exist, as if it’s the only way you could express yourself.

WOMEN: Kiss him how you want to be kissed. Show, don’t tell. Grab his head, pull his hair, reach deep into his heart with your mouth. Show him how it’s done.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

ORIGINAL ARTICLE by John Kim of Mind, Body, Green

 

“Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle. “

Kendal’s Note’s on this Article:

Most men are not aware of their impact.

kendalcali2015-1“Most men are oblivious to the emotional destruction they leave behind. And women must raise the bar and set a standard for the kind of men they want in their lives.” WOW, this is so true. Over and over again I am shocked at how little men understand about their impact on other’s emotionally. I would like to blame it on our rape culture or the fact that we have all been raised to put the responsibility on the women for the relationship in many ways, I would also like to stand strong here and say that “No one can hurt you unless you allow them to and that you make your mind up on how you are emotionally impacted by an event, that would be very Byron Katie or Abraham Hicks of me. However, being on the receiving end of this topic and also on the giving end a few times in my life I know that sometimes this is not the case. Sure we have choice as to how we cope and get through and how quickly we decide to put on a smile and move forward, but the emotional destruction that one person (male or female) can leave on another’s path can be detrimental and at very least can put that person into a state of chaos and need for extended healing. It is vital in our relationships with lovers and our children for sure that we do not shun the reality that we play a significant role in emotional harmony and health. Our action CAN and DO effect those in our lives and we have a responsibility to be conscious about what that looks like. Feelings may just be “feelings” but they also are the connection blocks to how our lives play out. It is through our emotional state that we attract our future. Our emotions set our energtic vibration and it here that we create our lives. 

So gentlemen, be cautious as to what you set up as expectations. Realize that sex is not the same energy and emotional frequency as scratching your back, for a woman it is emotional and if you want to be a superior man, one who is full of passion and on purpose then sex needs to be emotional for you as well. Learn to connect here and you will find connection EVERYWHERE!!!

Ladies, DO NOT accept a man who say’s “Oop’s, I can’t help it. That is sort of like when your having sex and a guy pauses for second in doggy position and then pulls out and penetrates your ass then says  Oop’s my bad wrong hole. Bullshit! A real man needs to take responsibility, needs to become conscious and accept that he may have made a mistake but should want to heal it and do the work to do just this. ” If you ladies are calling into your lives men who are not mature enough to be a real man, then you need to take a moment and really embrace what you as a woman are accepting and feeling (valuing) for yourself. You deserve more!

Arguing, Bullying and Being Creepy Oh My!!!!

Most arguments could be avoided if one party caught their ego at the front end and realized that it takes two to tango. Often women just need to vent and we DO NOT want Mr. Fix it to speak but instead we just need to literally be held. We need not to be made feel small or incapable in these moments and certainly not told that we are acting crazy or hormonal. We get this and we feel horrible already for acting out and opening up at this vulnerable place to our men. But we have to here and there or we will become calloused, cold, aloof and non-feeling. This will only cause us to dis-trust, not feel safe or supported and in the end you will find yourself at the very least in a sexless relationship because we can no longer feel you and our libido and attraction to you will be gone. So it may be easier and better all around if you as a man just learn to “Hold Space.”

If your a Bully, well I got nothing to say other then learn to check your EGO at the door or loose in life in general. If you feel like you need to work on this and many of us do, then studying Kabbalah would be a great start for awakening and healing. And Yoga.

Being Creepy, this is one of those hard things to understand for men. I know that many men just do not understand that they are doing it. But I can tell you that if you are face booking a woman repeatedly or messaging her on a dating site or other and she is not responding then you may have sent out the creepy feel. Its pretty simple, women need and want connection, this means authentic inquiry. Not whats your relationship status and I love you in your first comments. If you are desperate then chances are you are coming across creepy. If you have confidence issues, then you most likely are coming across creepy. If you are easily insulted or are quick to accuse then you most likely are coming across creepy. If you lean in too far when talking to a woman, creepy. If you make comments about our bodies before you are dating us, creepy. If you send a dick pic and we did not ask for it, creepy. If you stand there and stare at us for more then 30 seconds but never walk over and communicate, creepy. If you follow us out of a public place, VERY creepy!!!! And STOP that Shit! Us women want men in our lives and bed’s but we don’t want CREEPY!!!! BULLY or ASSHOLE!

Mirrors, Making Your Bed and Humility. Key’s to Success!

A man who is willing to do the internal work on himself, admit he does not have all the answers and see’s that he needs healing is a man that is aligned with transformation, love and success. The trick is not to just talk about it or think about it but to actually take the steps to achieving this and searching out the people who can help. Your actions ALWAYS speak louder than your words! Remember this!!! Be willing to break your mold repeatedly and GROW!

Kissing!!! Truly the TRUTH About A Man’s Purpose, Passion and Self-Love/Acceptance.

It’s in his kiss is how the song goes and it is so very true. Guys, this is the one thing that can reveal the deeper layers of a man’s being. Its more then how the kiss makes you feel as a woman. It’s about what the kiss is saying about the man. My first husband had bad teeth, he was insecure about lot’s of things. He had lofty goals but did not want to do the work to achieve them. He procrastinated, made excuses and carried anger and resentment. He said so much but not really anything. He said far more then he should about things that were sacred or held in trust but he held back in life and only allowed the surface and ego shit to rule during our marriage. He believed he was dedicated to self growth but in reality he was lazy to it and it scared him much like his power and purpose did. He NEVER would kiss me fully. He never would passionately let me feel him. He would not embrace me and penetrate my whole being with his soul, mind and mouth. I spend 18 years feeling alone and disconnected. Then left.

I currently have a lover of 5 years who from the first kiss bared his soul to me in divine passion. His kiss makes me dripping wet and kick starts my sex no matter how dreary a mood I am in. He always tells me that he loves that I am always smiling. That I am always turned on and laugh so much around him. He tell’s me that I make him feel like a man. Like he can do anything. He grabs me and passionately opens himself to me. He is present and on purpose. He is driven in his life in many ways and does not procrastinate. He puts health and play as focus points and takes care of business. He has his set of insecurities but he does not focus on them and he lives life from purpose and and desires instead of allowing the bad stuff that happens to us all to get him down for very long. He is not afraid to share his heart and emotions, but also does not allow them to carry him off.

It’s in his kiss ladies and gent’s. And if you want to know where a man is at with his purpose, passion and self-love/acceptance and even his presence level then here is where you can figure it out!

If you are not penetrating her and making her weak at the knee’s with your kiss then look back at how you feel about yourself, life, where you are at and what you are doing and go do the internal work as well as the physical work to change this. Don’t  just think your a bad kisser and need lesson’s. What you need is PURPOSE! Find yours and open.

Explore my Male Coaching today to become a Real Man

–KW

Why I Think All Men Need Therapy

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Let me preface this by saying I’m part of this group, too. Just because I’m a licensed therapist doesn’t mean I don’t need therapy. I have many, many things to work on, one of which is getting back into therapy.

Full disclosure: I haven‘t seen a therapist in years. I understand if you think that makes me a hypocrite, but it is my truth. I would rather be honest than pretend to be someone I am not.

Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle.

 

But here’s what I’ve learned from both my personal and professional experiences. Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle, something we must thread into our daily lives. And therapy can be the needle to guide that thread.

Yes, women need therapy too. But multiple studies and researchers have pointed to the fact that women make up nearly two-thirds of therapy patients, while men arguably benefit more from the process.

We have to let go of what we can’t control and just focus on our own shit.

 

I believe all men need therapy, including myself. Here are four of the most compelling reasons:

1. This generation doesn’t clearly define the male identity.

You might argue that this lack of definition is about the culture of 2015. Society had a strong definition of “the ideal man” in the ′20s, ′40s, ′50s, etc. But I believe it has to do with the fact that we live in a fatherless nation.

More than ever, our fathers are either physically absent or emotionally unavailable. So, how does a son learn who he is as he crosses into manhood? He doesn’t. The shadow of a suggestion of an identity he struggles after is one learned through advertising, media, and coping.

I worked as a therapist in residential treatment for about six years. I treated teens struggling with addiction, and the vast majority of them had an absent father. The boys clung to me, desperate for a positive male role model. They wanted a guide, a mentor, a man to teach them about life — what all boys crave at that age. I know I did. When deprived of that, they try to fill the void in unhealthy ways.

Therapy is a safe space for men who grew up with absent dads (most of us) to process the loss we’ve suffered, whether we realize it or not, and to create a new, healthy definition of what it means to be a man.

2. Therapy helps you find tools that will exponentially improve your relationships.

Generally speaking, men tend to maneuver more on a logical plane and women on an emotional one. Many men struggle to express their feelings, eventually leaving their partner in the dark, resulting in the two being separated by the unspoken issue(s) between them. Eventually, they grow apart.

I see this all the time in the couples I coach: Men tend to go to “fix-it” mode instead of expressing themselves and holding a safe space for their partner. They struggle with using “I feel” statements and don’t practice building their communication muscles.

Since therapists are trained to help you explore and process feelings, seeing a therapist is like visiting an emotional gym and exercising these expression muscles. Once we have the ability to express ourselves, we can stop trying to fix it. Instead, we can be present, and create a safe space for our partner to talk to us. Then confrontations can turn into healthy conversations, creating closeness, trust, and stronger relationships.

Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you have problems. It means you want to be a healthier version of yourself. It just means adding more tools to your toolbox. These tools will translate directly into your relationship.

Your partner will see the difference in you and may be inspired to go on his or her own journey. Now we have two pistons pumping. Translation: You’ve stopped the tug-of-war and started to move in the same direction. This is the only way to improve a relationship.

It’s never about the other person. It’s about you.

 

3. It’s the only way a lot of men ever learn to stop trying to fix everything.

Men tend to think they can do everything by themselves. Not necessarily because of ego. It’s a pressure we put on ourselves to take care of the people we care about. When it comes to relationships, sometimes we don’t realize that we are only 50 percent of the equation.

By thinking we can fix it, we can easily cross the line into controlling behavior without even knowing it. That means we have to let go of what we can’t control, and just focus on our own shit. This is what therapy is all about. Therapists are trained to keep the focus on the client so they can take ownership of their own issues and let go of other people’s.

I believe that with this mindset, the dynamic of the relationship will shift. There will be a lot less pressure and a lot more trust. Of course, women can do the same.

But from coaching hundreds of women, I’ve learned that the majority want their man to take the lead. It gives them hope and builds trust. Then they become inspired to work on anything they need to work on.

We get into a chess game with each other, subconsciously. We won’t change or work on ourselves unless the other person does too. But the only thing that grows in that dynamic is anger and resentment. It’s never about the other person. It’s about you, the kind of person you want to be, and what you want to bring to the relationship.

4. We have a responsibility to be better men than our fathers were.

I know it’s 2015, and much progress has been made. But men still tend to shy away or get embarrassed about seeing therapists. There’s a pervasive misconception that therapy is for people with “real problems.” So, men just talk to their friends, who are biased, and can’t advise them with the same experience, perspective, or authority. Men tend to associate “treatment” with weakness. I think we believe that if we see a therapist, we are admitting defeat. We are admitting we can’t fix it on our own. That last part is true. We can’t. But that’s okay.

Imagine if men went to therapy as much as they go to the gym. How many relationships would be saved? How many sons would have a healthier definition of manhood? And how many daughters would have higher self-esteem and a sharper radar when it came to boys? Imagine how much pain and destruction we could avoid. Then tell me it’s not a good idea.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE on Mind, Body Green

Photo Credit: Stocksy

Release Pelvic Pain, Sexual Dysfunctioncs, Trauma & More in 2-3 months with Pelvic Floor Release

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Many evidence based studies prove that pelvic floor physical therapy is an effective treatment approach for men and women suffering from pelvic pain caused by tight muscles and restricted tissues.  The pelvic floor muscles, namely the levator ani, coccygeus and obturator internus can develop adhesions, tension or trigger points which restrict movement and cause pain.  Trigger points are palpable spasms/knots within muscle tissue and can occur in pelvic floor muscles.  Trigger points can lead to adhesions of fascia/connective tissue of the abdomen, groin, pelvic floor and even restrict the viscera (colon, uterus, bladder, prostate gland) within the pelvic bowl.

The pudendal nerves and its branches, traveling from the sacrum (back of the pelvis) and running all through the pelvic floor region innervates the vaginal/penile and rectal areas. The nerves can become squeezed as it travels through tight muscles and fascia, which then decreases optimum pelvic floor function and increases pain.

The pelvic floor muscles are located INSIDE our bodies, in women the muscles are approximately 1-2 inches up from the vaginal/rectal region and in men, the muscles are approximately 1-2 inches up from the base of the penis/rectal region.

The pelvic floor muscles are key for four functions of the body:

1) lower back/core stabilization; 2)  normal urinary function; 3) good bowel function; 4) satisfying sexual function.

As a core stabilizer, the pelvic floor works with 3 other core muscles, the Transversus Abdominus (deepest stomach muscle), Multifidus- (deep low back extensor muscle), and deep fibers of the Iliopsoas (hip flexor muscle). These 4 muscles work together to keep our core strong, flexible and prevents lower back pain. If one of the 4 core stabilizer muscles becomes weak or injured, then the other 3 muscles have to work harder to compensate. Over time this puts great strain on the whole core, which leads to back pain/stiffness/weakness.

The pelvic floor muscles are directly involved with three bodily functions, urinary, bowel and sexual.

For functional urination, the pelvic floor muscles surround the urethral opening and should relax when you are voiding and maintain closure or tension when you are not voiding.   If the muscles are in spasm, urinary symptoms such as leaking,  or feeling a strong urge to void, or having to go to the bathroom multiple times a day (called urinary frequency) and/or being awoken at night to void more than once (called nocturia), can occur.   Women using public restrooms should not “hover” over the toilet, as this sustained half squat creates tension in the pelvis and does not allow full relaxation of the sphincters around the urethra to allow full urination. Best to use the protective toilet seat covers and sit comfortably.

For normal bowel movements, the pelvic floor muscles should be able to open and widen to allow the full passage of stool. When not having a BM, the pelvic floor maintains tension at the rectal opening to prevent leakage.  If the pelvic floor is weak, leakage can occur.  If the pelvic floor is tight, constipation resulting in sitting too long at the toilet, straining to defecate can occur. Toileting should take no longer than 5 minutes following the urge to void.  Even though you may not feel completely empty, it’s better to stand and leave the bathroom  versus continue to sit and strain. Constant straining can result in hemorrhoids and/or the development of a rectocele, which further impedes good function.

For satisfying sexual function, the toned and flexible pelvic floor allows for more intense orgasms in men and women.  A fully relaxed pelvic floor helps women experience pain free intercourse with their male partners.  Many patients who are experiencing sexual pain may experience difficulty with partner relationships or even avoid them due feeling of shame or inadequacy.

Pelvic pain due to restricted muscles can be released and return to normal function, no matter how long a person has been experiencing symptoms.

Physical therapists trained and mentored in pelvic floor work can:

  • apply targeted manual therapies to rid muscles of trigger points
  • utilize biofeedback therapy to help patients learn how to either downtrain (relax) their pelvic floor or to uptrain (strengthen) the pelvic floor
  • perform visceral mobilization to improve the mobility of organs lying within the pelvic bowl
  • mobilize and teach a patient self-connective tissue (skin rolling) techniques to abolish tight skin and fascia of the inner thighs and abdomen
  • teach patients gentle stretching techniques with foam rollers, tennis balls, knobbles, Theracane,  S –wands and dilators
  • educate in exercises for a strong core
  • teach diaphragmatic breathing and visualization to help lower tension of the pelvis and to increase oxygenation to the body and decreased stress
  • guidance in cardiovascular exercise to pump more oxygen and nutrients to the tissues
  • teach proper bladder and bowel techniques and habits

Most people start to feel better after 2 months of consistent, twice a week therapy which incorporates many of the above techniques. Some reach goals sooner; others may take up to 3 months.  By attending regular pelvic floor physical therapy and performing all the home exercises, faulty pattern are reversed and many people are pain free within 2-3 months.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE