IT COULD HAVE BEEN EASIER.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER.
“It would have been easier if he did not behave like a psycho.
Would have been easier if he did not destroy things.
Would have been easier if he was not wasn’t actively causing discontent with family.
Would have been easier if he was not stalking and making sure he lived down the street.
Would have been easier if he had not slandered and bad mouthed, made up lies to destroy relationships and cause issues in other areas of life and work.
Would have been easier if he had not been a self-centered asshole who demonstrated that he only cares about himself at ALL cost.
Yeah it certainly could have been easier.
Could have been easier if he respected initial communications and requests for space.
Could have been easier if he had not spread lies to family.
Could have been easier if you didn’t know that the only reason he did not destroy the family home and belongings was because of outside intervention.
Could have been easier if he was not a MF narcissist.
Could have been easier if he was not sneaking around in the dark like a rat causing trouble and destroying other people property.
Could have been easier if he had not gone to those in traumatic situations and expect his issues to outweigh theirs and make a scene.
Could have been easier yes…
But not for the reasons that he thinks and wants everyone to believe.
Could have been easier if he took some responsibility for his actions.
And not spin it to look like it’s others who are making it not easy on him.
Could have been easier if he did’nt demonstrate his emotional imbalance and once again self-centeredness by crying wolf and telling how he just wants to commit suicide.
Yeah could have been easier.
Could have been easier if he did not continue to stalk and drive by, message and demand.
Could have been easier if he had just been honest throughout the relationship with himself and others.
Could have been easier if he had not expected his mind and heart to be read and refused authentic communication.
Could have been easier if he had listened in the communication being shared for years.
Could have been easier if he had accepted that you can not force your will on others and get their core to change or their heart.
Could have been easier if he respected boundaries and did not get so caught up in his ego to be blind.
The fact is it’s not easier by his own doing.
And the fact that he knows that he is a shell without the connection,
that he is lost in who he is.
Is revealing his true issue.”
I share this above from my heart and soul to all those out there who have had relationships that were broken and shattered.
That ended unexpectedly, and had their ex partner exhibit such control, fear, “craziness” toward them.
Or perhaps the reverse might be true.
Perhaps you were that ex-partner/lover/mate who went crazy at the loss of the one that you were in relationship with.
Perhaps you lost yourself in your pain,
in your lack of sight of how out of alignment the relationship truly was and how it was no longer serving either of you.
I offer my above tale to wake you up today.
To wake you up to the reality that in our loss we often cannot see our truth,
we cannot recognize what love is,
We often believe that we must make our pain known by forcing the other to feel pain as well.
And we do it all in the name of LOVE.
There are two realities in this tale that I share that I hope that you can gain for current and future happiness in relationship.
1. None of the above is based in love. Not love of the other nor of the self. The concept that we need to make another feel pain, know what they have done, that we need to be understood, heard or seen are not based in love but in need and ego. The hunger to do ill things to the one that we proclaimed to love so deeply until we part is not of soul and heart, it has nothing to do with love and not even with our pain of the loss, but instead it has everything to do with our desire and need to control a situation and others because we feel out of control in our lives and in our emotions. We are lost in self. We are not strong at our core or in whom we are and therefore we act out toward others attempting to scare and manipulate them to surrender to what we want of them.
Again, this has nothing to do with love of self or other and certainly does not respect the relationship, the memories, the lessons or either soul.
But instead shows the discontentment and lack of alignment as well as emotional maturity of the one acting out.
There is no proactivity in such actions, only reactivity and a believing that one is a victim to life and others.
2. It could have been easier is what we believe in situations like this.
We say this to life, to people and wonder why we have to be in such pain and suffering.
Why life is so rough and why we just seem to be destined to struggle.
The reality is that it is only difficult and painful because we make it such.
It is our resistance to our core,
to living by our heart and leaning into love and soul that creates the struggle.
The truth of this is evident in ALL subject areas of life, not just relationship and love.
We are in the power position.
We are not victims to circumstance or to others even.
We get to choose at any given moment how we perceive what is happening, what our role is in the event and how we are going to handle it best.
We get to decide moment by moment if we are going to create beauty or pain.
We get to choose if we are going to act from a place of certainty, love and truth or from fear, ego and a need to control and dominate a situation or person, an outcome.
OUR CHOICE DEFINES OUR REALITY.
These are the lessons of relationship break up and how we choose to move through it.
There are many more lessons,
Some are personal to the individual, some to the couple and others are spiritual awakenings that we all must evolve through.
How do you handle break up?
What is your goal in communication with your partner of current or of past?
Is it to be understood?
To feel as though they care or love you?
To know that your pain is felt or that they feel the same?
How do these questions serve you truly?
How are they defining who you are and helping you to become your best person?
And most importantly do these questions with their desired answers come from love and an unconditional elevated space or do they reside and come from your fear and need, your desire to control a situation and an outcome?
One will bring you happiness and growth,
the other suffering and resistance to truth,
YOUR TRUTH.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Make 2021 a year of love and beauty.
Heal your relationship,
heal your heart and move mountains so you can have that soulmate relationship of your dreams.
Reach out to me for deet’s on how to do this today.
 
PhotoCredit to DandelionImages

IF YOU EVER LOVED ME.

IF YOU EVER LOVED ME.

 

If you ever loved me you would not let me hurt like this.

If you ever loved me you would rethink your actions.

If you ever loved me you would take the time to hear me.

If you ever loved me you would want to share.

If you ever loved me you would give me closure.

If you ever loved me you would make this all go away.

 

And so many other if you ever statements.

 

Boy, oh boy  do I ever understand the pain of loss.

The pain of break up, divorce, seperation, being lied to and abandoned.

 

I understand how it feels when our worlds crash,

when our beautiful plans seize to exist,

and it all seems like it happens within a flash of time.

 

How can this other person who loves us,

or at least proclaimed that they did,

or at very least said that they cared,

just walk away?

 

How can they turn their backs to us and just keep on living their lives?

 

Don’t they care?

 

And so the story of love and loss goes on throughout all time.

And so our hearts expand and we are elated when those that we love are turned toward us,

and when they are no longer by our side we crash into pain and suffering. Feeling abandoned.

Feeling as though we spent all this time in a lie.

 

It just cannot be so.

It certainly is not fair or right,

and we don’t have it coming to us.

 

Right?

I mean how is it possible that this sort of thing could be of our own doing?

 

“THAT” other person made those decisions,

acted that way, said those things and lied to us,

after all.  We would not bring this upon ourselves.

 

Well I can tell you this beautiful,

YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID BRING IT UPON YOURSELF.

 

One of two things happened.

Your vibe either went up past the other person or it crashed below them.

Either way it held there for a long enough period of time and was a great enough difference in frequency that the two of you were no longer in alignment and thus the relationship had to end.

 

So which direction did you go?

This is actually the important thing to question if you truly give a sh*t about your future and who you are.

 

If you love yourself that is.

And so many people just don’t.

Hope that this is not you though.

 

You can tell what direction you went by looking at your thoughts,

your feelings and your actions.

 

If you are the one who leveled up your frequency then this relationship transition will be pretty smooth and easy. You may be in pain, you may feel a tad lost, you may want closure even but at the end of the day you will recognize that the most loving this you can ever offer someone is space to expand, to be them and to have a beautiful life with or without you and in this case it means without you. That may be a stinger, but a high vibe soul will walk away in love and know that the lessons offered in that relationship were powerful, perfect and have helped them gain clarity in who they are and what they want. A high vibe soul will know that what they need to do now is turn their full attention to themselves and clearing out anything that no longer serves them from within.

 

A high vibe soul will be in appreciation and gratitude for the relationship and the break up.

 

Yep I said that.

Gratitude for the break up,

because they see its purpose.

 

However, a low vibe soul will flounder in pain, suffering and blame.

They will demand attention and stomp around like a three year old having a tantrum. They will act out in childish ways, trying to cause pain in hope of gaining attention from the one they lost. They will not be able to take responsibility for their part in the transition and they will feel as though they simply cannot move forward until the other person does this or that to clear things up for them.

They will focus on fear and they will want the other to feel pain as well.

 

They will not see the growth and opportunity that the transition brings with it, but instead see destruction and attack.

A low vibe soul cannot see past their own ego to find the love that was there in the relationship and still remains.

A low vibe soul is caught in their own inner hell where they will reside until they choose to view life differently and take responsibility for the events, thoughts and feelings that are all thiers. They will be destined to repeat the drama that they believe is happening to them over and over again, where they will mask themselves from their beauty, their core and alignment to God all in the concept that “it’s not fair.”

 

So you see beautiful,

It is very important that you know what direction you went in the transition. It says bundles as to where you are now and what you are manifesting for your future.

It shows just how much love you have for yourself and whether you  understand how powerful you are.

 

Because you are powerful.

You co-created this transition for the purpose of becoming more of WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

 

No matter the direction you went ( up or down in frequency) this fact remains the same.

 

Now the only thing you need worry about is not if the other loved you, or still does, but if you love you enough to let go and thrive.

 

You are so f-cking worthy of a F-ck Yes! Life.

It’s time that you recognize that and see that ALL relationships are here to elevate you, educate you and clarify what you want and who you really are.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to kick 2021 off with a high vibe and call in the relationship of your dreams? Meet your soulmate and know that you really got this? Message me for deet’s on what I have in store to make just this happen and more for YOU.

I CAN’T SEE PAST YOU.

 

I CAN’T SEE PAST YOU.

 

I am going to get real with you, raw with you, vulnerable and share something that scares the shit out of me today in this musing.

 

Ready?

I sure am not, but here we go anyway 🙂

 

I recently let down my guards.

I recently decided to just drop the fear of letting love penetrate me to my core,

I recently took down my shield that was protecting my delicate hungry heart,

and I allowed my soul to lead me right into possibly the last relationship of my life.

 

I possibly opened the floodgates to something that I have craved for, desired and sampled in ways in the past but did not actually believe was possible,

or thought oh that will happen in my golden years if I am lucky.

 

Folks, I can’t see past him.

WTF am I to do with that?

 

Never before have I not been able to see a life past someone.

Even my deepest loves in my past I could see life past them,

without them, it may not have been what I wanted for or desired but I could still look past them and know that there was more,

something greater, deeper, more elevating and penetrating.

 

And here I sit today with the realization that I can’t see past him.

I can’t keep ignoring the words and feelings that rise up in my core,

my soul screams them, my eyes communicate them, my heart shakes and makes me know its desire and to make matters worse he just keeps confirming all of it to me in soft ways and direct ways.

 

I am done with looking for the gotcha’s.

Done with trying to find what’s wrong, why it would not work, should not work, cannot happen. Done with giving a shit about what the world says….

 

Sorta taking a Bonnie Raitt approach to this and just going with,

“Let’s give them something to talk about.”

 

Because the alignment is too f-cking damn good to ignore and turn away from any longer.

 

I AM ALL ABOUT THE ENERGY.

 

Everything is energy.

It’s the most potent, important thing when we are looking at anything in our lives. Especially when we are looking at relationships and building a F-ck Yes! Life.

 

It’s not just chemistry.

Chemistry can fade.

There is New Relationship Energy (NRE) that we all have on the front side of getting together with someone, and it typically lasts anywhere from six months to 3 years if we are lucky, but then it fades and we start to see our partners clearly and as the humans that they are.

 

We can feel alignment when we are meeting in the wounds of our life and they are sinking up with someone else’s,

We can feel energy when we have physical attraction, mental stimulation, emotional bonding or a feeling that someone “gets us” but true energetic connection goes deeper than all of this.

Real soul alignment is more than that feeling like you are seen or understood.

 

Energetic Alignment in Intimate relationships is about elevation of the souls.

 

And it comes from a place of your core.

It comes from two individuals being aligned to who they are first without each other.

Not needing each other, but choosing to add the cherry of the relationship into their already damn good life picture.

 

True soul alignment is a feeling of coming home.

And when you reach that feeling of coming home you most likely will not be able to see a relationship past this one that elevates you into wanting so much more from life and yourself.

 

Soul based relating is about expansion in love.

It is about reaching your edge and knowing that you can go further because you are limitless and together you are limitless.

 

It’s a love that extends past time and space.

 

My experience over the last six weeks of my life is one of great momentum.

Going zero to 300 you could say.

A hundred years traveled in a little over a month,

the feeling of making up for lifetimes of lost time.

A merger of energy so great that I simply don’t have words to describe.

A shattering of my heart that is breathtaking and welcoming.

And here is something I have recognized in my work with thousands of people through the years who have been through this process of coming into soul aligned relationships of this depth and magnitude:

 

You can see the steps as to how you arrived right where you are at and how f-cking perfect everything is. How the synchronicities, the crazy little coincidences, how people, places and timelines guided you to this moment, to this relationship and how had you chosen differently you would have set things back or even missed it.

 

YOU HAD TO BECOME A MATCH TO THIS ENERGY.

 

And that is the truth.

 

We forget how WE,

Yes, we and only we can do this for ourselves. That we have to become a match to the person that we want to call into our lives.

All this talk about soulmates, twin flames, etc….

and the thing that we forget to realize is that we only get to have these powerful, dynamic fully turned on passionate and limitless relationships WHEN we choose to do our damn work and get rock solid in our core as to who the f-ck we are and what we want in life.

 

We have to be unwavering and selfish MF’s to get our energy aligned to this kind of empowered relationship.

 

Until we do so,

we spend our time learning about ourselves,

about what we want and what we do not want.

We take ourselves through the school of love and relationship and gain our education into SELF.

 

And then if we become self-aware.

If we become “woke” as some would say,

then without reservation, without even trying you find yourself just lined up to the most precious, yummy, juicy, fully absorbing, ignited relationship that you can imagine.

 

You will see how you were sampling pieces of it in previous experiences. You were being given the gift of being able to recognize this relationship quickly when you finally decided to become a match to it.

 

And when it comes for you,

there will just be a KNOWING.

 

The questions stop.

Your ego may try to put up a fight,

it may attempt to sabotage out of fear of getting hurt again,

but under that you will still have this undeniable feeling of CERTAINTY.

 

And the world won’t matter.

Your fears will not hold a candle to the power of your heart.

Other opinions, judgement, perceptions you will just turn away from without worry,

because you will just KNOW.

Like you know yourself,

you will recognize this soul aligned relationship.

And you will continue to run forward in faith and enthusiasm.

 

And you most likely will not be able to look past this relationship.

 

Beautiful isn’t it?

 

Intimacy share dear reader:

I sat here the other morning, alone, drinking my coffee, breathing in the crisp morning air, feeling this soul with me energetically even though we were not physically together. I closed my eyes and saw his. And with a breath I fast forwarded through this life,

I sat at the doorstep of death and I took it in.

I felt the goodbye of the physical and I felt his hand in mine.

And I welcomed it because it was a spectacular sharing of a lifetime,

and I knew that not even death could take this from us.

 

Soul alignment.

It’s powerful and pure.

It’s limitless and it is what we all crave and desire.

We may settle for logical, smart and fun.

We may settle for “good enough.”

But we always remain hungry until we access our core and get aligned and right with self.

With soul.

And then leap in faith into life and let ourselves be carried to what we KNOW is home.

 

“I can see the rest of my breaths in this lifetime in your arms.”

 

Yes I can.

————————————————————————–

 

I encourage you today my love, to look deep within yourself and ask yourself if you are settling or contemplating settling for just “good enough” in your relationship, in your love?

 

How does that knowing that you are settling make you feel?

 

Sit with that for a second if you can.

Stop making excuses.

Stop looking for the reasons and focusing on the fear of what if…

 

Instead know that you are worthy of a great penetrative love.

You are worthy of accessing heaven and experiencing a soul merger that you know at your core can be so,

but you currently have no knowledge or relationship with.

 

You must be willing to meet yourself though.

You must be willing to let go of your ego based loving ways,

you’re codependent habits and desires,

and you must be willing to be complete and whole in WHO YOU ARE FIRST.

 

This is your work.

This is the only earning you will ever have to do.

Become elevated to who you are and that soul aligned relationship will magically appear overnight.

 

Trust me,

what you desire and want,

wants and desires you too.

 

It’s time that you say F-ck Yes To YOU Love.

 

Today.

 

Elevate your love.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Ready to elevate your love and life in 2021?

Ready to call in that soul aligned relationship that you cannot see past?

 

Let’s get you aligned to your core love.

Reach out to me for information on my 1:1 and group coaching programs starting in January 2021 and the early bird discounts for those coming later this month.

WHAT’S IT TAKE TO NEVER WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER SECOND DATE AGAIN?

WHAT’S IT TAKE TO NEVER WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER SECOND DATE AGAIN?
The short answer for me is: a soulfully deep raw elevated authentic relationship.
Should be a piece of crumb cake, right?
I mean you land those every other day of the week in our superficial world where love is based on how you make me feel and how well you mask your truth from me and I from you so that we don’t ever really dig down deeper and really witness each other at a core state of being.
Of relating.
So many couples in today’s world of relating are in relationship simply because it makes them feel – complete.
It makes them feel like they are successful,
they are someone and when that person,
their person turns to them and holds them in their focus then they are on top of the world and they are in love.
When their person acts, speaks and appears to be the way that they desire,
and does not rock the boat too much with their truth then all is groovy and they are happy in their fake relationship and love.
But lord help the one who chooses to be true to themselves.
Who chooses to stand firm in their core and know themselves.
I mean that would be selfish, right?
And selfishness is not kewl.
After all,
relationship, especially intimate relationship,
a life partner relationship is all about the giving of self to support, show your unwavering love and commitment to the other.
There is zero room for selfishness in a committed relationship of this nature.
LOL.
It does not make sense to me.
Zero room for selfishness,
selfishness is evil, bad and you “should not” do it to anyone that you love for sure.
After all you should only think of the others feelings, thoughts and perceptions.
You are responsible for that person’s emotional, mental, physical well being and that is a lot of responsibility so take it seriously and DO NOT think of self first.
MmmmmmHmmmm….
Okay.
This does not work.
If we lose ourselves in relationship then we lose our core,
we get lost in this world and we end up feeling empty, lost and unworthy. Without direction or purpose.
And this in turn causes us to start to act and treat our partner with bitterness, fear, anxiety and we show up with low self-esteem and respect. We cave on our boundaries and we end feeling used.
All because we believe that selfishness in relationship is evil.
So let me present a little different concept on intimate relationships.
Coming back to my simple not so simple answer to what it would take for me to consider never having another second date again.
What would make me commit the rest of my years to this one person.
To become rock solid in a relationship without question or waivering and just have the desire to carry it deeper.
“A soulfully deep raw elevated authentic relationship.”
That’s what.
But why these characteristics?
I believe that the majority of relationships are teachers and healers,
they are soul based contracts you could say that are not meant to last a lifetime in the intimate fashion but instead come to us to help us grow, expand, heal and clarify who we are and what we want in relationship and life.
These relationships often do not carry a bunch of luster, they feel good, logical, fun, but they do not have the soulful bonds that you can feel with someone when there is so much more at play.
These relationships also have us attracted to our opposites often, baring with them certain traits or beliefs from our partners that are not in alignment with who we are. They make us analyze our core, question our worthiness and who we are and often push our boundaries and ask us to make choices between ourselves and the relationship.
Where a soulful relationship is based on alignment.
It’s an energetic connection that has you feeling as though you are in harmony not only with the other person, but even more so with yourself and with life and God.
You feel passion, purpose and drive in a soulful relationship.
You are not fearful to speak your truth, the opposite is actually true, you desire to share all facets of yourself and reveal your core because you have this feeling that you are held in love and without question.
Soulful relationships have a knowing to them.
A knowing of the souls.
It is the relationships where you feel like you are coming home.
Depth is the next big thing for me.
I may play with a surface based relationship,
but it will last for that long, months and possibly a few years at best,
but without depth the relationship will fade.
But what does true depth mean?
Many people say they have a deep relationship,
they say that they share and talk about everything with their partner,
but when you really look at this you would be shocked to find out it’s not true.
The majority of relationships hide behind idle conversation about groceries, houses, work, media and whatever else can fill in the gaps.
True depth is when you can sit in stillness and say nothing at all and come out of the experience feeling like you shared thousands of years with someone.
True depth is about just witnessing each other,
letting each partner be themselves and be fully seen, expressed.
True depth comes from individuals who take responsibility for themselves, owning who they are, developing self-love and peace within as a primary stable ground before venturing into relationship and not having the concept that it is their partners responsibility to fix anything for them.
Depth comes from personal growth, spiritual growth and being self-aware.
The word raw brings up fear for many people.
It is the scary descriptive word of vulnerability, intimacy.
And we relate vulnerability to weakness.
We have been taught as a society to armour up our hearts and protect. To not trust each other and to constantly look for the gotchas because time and experience has always shown us how unsafe we are even with those closest to us.
And this folks is a major component to why a relationship fails.
We are terrified of showing ourselves.
We are terrified of feeling or being felt.
We are terrified of witnessing someone’s truth and not being 100% ok with who they are, their views, ideas or desires/needs.
We are terrified that who we are will not be accepted.
We are terrified of putting our all into anyone and trusting that our souls know what they are doing.
We are terrified putting down the armour and just sinking into our hearts,
because what if we get hurt?
Well the truth is that every relationship no matter how long it is around in your life WILL hurt you in some way.
It’s how we choose to handle that pain.
It’s what we choose to focus on.
Do we venture into a relationship waiting for the bottom to drop out and therefore forever holding back pieces of ourselves and in turn creating exactly what we fear?
Or do we give it our all?
Real, Raw, Unapologetic, Vulnerable.
Many people claim that they offer this…
And I ask you to question yourself, is that true?
Because it’s the most challenging thing to do to breathe in and lean deeper into love without expectation, just faith.
Relationships should elevate you.
You know we say that we “fall in love” butI prefer to say that we get “elevated by love.”
The relationship that makes you not want for any more second dates should be the relationship that has you desiring for more from yourself, from life and should bear with it a hunger and knowing that life is limitless.
If the relationship has you questioning your worthiness,
fearing what tomorrow brings,
has you changing your core to fit the relationship and hold on to it,
then it’s not a relationship that can support WHO YOU ARE for the long haul.
Elevated relationships are based in soul, in authentic unconditional love and respect, and come with the desire to build each other up and expand but merge deeper with each other.
When you think of power couples and how they seem to be unstoppable in life it is because they focus on elevating self, each other and the relationship as a whole, instead of eliminating things that cause them fear or raise their ego’s.
Authenticity.
Another challenging word.
We all want honesty, truth thus authenticity,
However when it comes right down to it we cannot handle our own truth often and we certainly are troubled by other people’s especially our lover/partner when it is not what we want to hear or witness. When it seems like they are being selfish, when they are asking for something or sharing something that is a difficult conversation or pulls up old wounds and triggers us into our pain bodies.
However authentic relating is key if you want long lasting commitment, connection and love to stay.
If you need your partner to be something that they are not for you to hold space for them or love them, be committed to them, then perhaps you need to ask yourself if you really are right for each other.
Authenticity is about speaking your heart and soul especially when it is difficult but doing it from a place of self-responsibility and love for all.
For me personally,
if these things are not at play then the simple truth is that the relationship is there to teach me, help me to move through things and to clarify exactly what I do want to call into my life.
When I am in relationship and know that it is just a teacher to me,
I make sure to make it known that I am not 100% committed, that I enjoying the moment for what it is and I will practice relationship and unconditional authentic relating within the container but that the relationship is there to serve each of us to become more of who we really are so that we can each call in the relationship that our souls know is home.
These teacher relationships help us to define and paint the picture of what our SOUL RELATIONSHIP holds within it and when we come into contact with that relationship we feel it at our core and we with the tremendous alignment that it brings with it.
It is a knowing.
I challenge you today to look at your relationship and ask how aligned you truly are to it and to your partner?
Are you 100% authentic and feel that you are held without question or expectation in the relationship?
Do you feel like your relationship and life is limitless?
You are deserving of a soulful aligned turned on relationship with depth that elevates you to the heavens and maintains its connection to the end of your days in this lifetime.
But it starts with YOU LOVING YOU and standing firm in your core,
getting to know self and accepting the lessons from your teacher relationships as you step forward to the feeling of coming home in that soul aligned relationship that is waiting for you.
Say yes to you.
Say yes to love.
Say yes to beauty.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to know how to call in the soulmate of your desires?
Reach out to me for 1;1 coaching to get into alignment with love, abundance and more.
 
Photo credit DandelionImages

Randevuing With The Sweetest Parts Of Life – No Matter The Pain they Cause Us.

LATELY I WAS GIFTED THE FREEDOM TO FULLY FEEL BACK INTO ME, BACK INTO WHAT I WANT FOR, CRAVE FOR, DEMAND IN LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP.
I have been sitting with this feeling of peace with elation now for a couple of weeks,
where if you had asked me a few weeks prior what I was feeling I would have shared that I felt like I was on uncertain grounds, a feeling of egg shells and anxiety which is nothing of the sort of person I am or in alignment to the life that I desire.
I knew that things were about to change,
This shift was upon me.
My energy had been quaking for months to be set free.
Transformation was in the cards you could say and I knew that when the momentum was fully upon it that there would be no turning back,
no side stepping out of the way and that my world would forever change.
I felt fear and doubt.
I felt as though I should try and hide,
to shut down this immense urge to just run forward and let gravity take me.
I had been restricting for so long,
putting up walls and barriers as to hold in place the container that I had built.
A beautiful, fun and loving container,
but one that had become harnessing of the energy that was birthing in me.
And so I felt the doubt rise up in me,
I felt afraid to move forward.
I thought that I had it under control…lol
And like every soul who says “I got this,” and turns their back on transformation, God steps in and reminds us that we have so much more to live for, so much more to do and share and that our turn away is unacceptable, for we are his chosen one’s. We are the ones that must feel into our hearts and face the fears, expand our vessels and step forward in faith, in truth and with our core desires.
And here I am…
A few weeks later after yet another beautiful upheaval of revealing truth, authenticity and power.
Leaning into the new territory which bears with it an awakening of my past revelations of self that I had closed myself off too.
All my excuses, all my denials, all my “hope that things could be or would be,” –GONE!
Replaced with peace,
replaced with elation,
replaced with love, true love and allowance of the self.
Replaced with desire.
Replaced with direction.
And guess what…
a feeling of ease and flow,
the realization that all that other stuff that I had been doing for the last little bit of my life was me trying to make something happen,
trying to fit in a container that did not fit me,
trying to push things to my will,
or sacrifice myself despite my core.
No f-cking big shocker there as to why there was anxiety, constraint and egg shells.
No wonder I was not expanding, stretching and feeling fully seen or accepted.
I had settled in certain ways for something less of myself then what and who I am.
The revelation that when we are in alignment to soul and God that our worlds just collide with exactly what we need and desire,
that things manifest with ease and f-cking speed.
It is us that slows it down.
Through our fear.
Through our attempts to control it and make it fit prettily in a box that is not even our own.
And then God comes through with a clean up crew,
he strikes us down so it often appears so that we can rise stronger,
more certain and knowing in who we are.
And our rise stems from how we choose to handle the strike down.
It is here in the randevu with something that is less than wonderful appearing, that we discover the sweetest of gifts that life has to offer us.
Because it is here that we experience expansion.
So it always comes down to how we take the sweetness of all of it and not freak the f-ck out in what could feel terrifying, scary, painful and not what we had necessarily wanted for.
You see it is the freaking out in these soul appointments with expansion that feel like the absence of something that we want for that can hold us in a setback. That can lock us into a wound and keep our pain anchored and us unable to move forward and breathe into the gift that is being offered.
Our capacity to randevu with the sweetest parts of life is immense,
but we have to be willing to let go of the things that we hold onto out of fear that we will receive no more than just that.
And here my dear reader is where I find myself the last two plus weeks of my world.
Breathing into this space,
receiving in truth every f-cking thing that my heart has wanted for for some time,
stepping back into what I know is true and my core,
asking for life to give me my desires and being willing to see them manifest before my eyes in ease and with great speed,
putting down the “what if splat scenarios” and just leaning into it.
Showing up in all areas,
my business…
my health…
my family…
my relationships….
my sex and love…
in FAITH.
And actually more than faith….
CERTAINTY that as long as I stay true to my core,
and aligned to my heart which is my communication source to my soul and thus to God,
that everything,
every aspect of life is perfect and sweet.
And that the sweetest moments are here before me just awaiting my sipping of them.
I bring this 6-AM revelation to you now.
I bring to you the possibility that what you have been feeling to push on, to make happen, to direct and do the work around is actually the reason that you are still locked down where you are at.
I bring to you the concept that sometimes it’s in the letting go,
truly letting go and letting yourself fall so that you can rise again renewed that is the things we must do to have the life that we want for.
I speak to you the idea,
that maybe, just maybe everything is perfect. Even though you are scared, feeling lost, in pain, sitting in suffering that it is just what you need to become exactly who you were meant to be,
and that your power is just there under the surface of that dynamic beautiful person that you are.
Perhaps it is time that you allow yourself opportunities to be, have and do what your soul craves for.
Perhaps it is time to give yourself permission, love to know yourself and love yourself fully.
So that forever more you will be able to lean into the gravity that calls you forward and not fear the surrender but welcome the lifting.
In deep love for you today,
during our worlds topsy turvy energies and changes,
I share this little tale and pray that you take a moment in your busy day to be with the most important person in your world and ask yourself, “Who am I truly? and what do a want for sincerely?”
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
— Ready to get started on 2021 before it takes you by storm like 2020? Let’s get you moving today toward your F-ck Yes! Life and enjoying all the sweetest randevu that life has to offer you on your journey. Message me today for opportunities to say YES to YOU Now!
 
Photo Credit to my amazing photographer Rebekah Lynn DandelionImages

DESIRABLE DOES NOT MEAN ACCEPTED.

DESIRABLE DOES NOT MEAN ACCEPTED.

 

Today I was speaking to a man that told me that he thought that I was a highly desirable woman.

 

Yesterday I was having lunch with a man who told me that he just thinks that the rest of the world looks at me the way he does and sees me in that way.

 

A few days ago, I was working with a man who said, “Wow, if I could just find someone like you.”

 

Last week an old lover of mine told me that he never stopped desiring and loving me.

 

And a few years ago a man who crept into my space and heart told me how desirable I was, and he did so daily for some time.

Prior to him, there were a few more men who claimed the same.

And they all said that they loved me for who I was,

for my radiance, my glow, my light.

They loved how playful and turned on I was to life.

They loved witnessing me with my family,

and watching me teach classes.

They loved my out of the box ways, even though it made them breathe, because they knew that it meant that they needed to grow and that they wanted to be a better man by being around me.

 

All of these men said that I awoke them to a greater understanding of who they were,

I brought desire back into their lives,

and they never expected that from a relationship in this way.

 

Each of these men,

beautiful, dynamic men,

from my past are just that…

from my past.

 

They are not in my current nor in my future,

and even though I hold great love and gratitude for each of them for the lessons that we shared and what they awoke inside of me,

they all share one thing in common outside of believing that I am desirable.

 

And that is that they could not ever fully accept me.

Yes that highly desirable woman,

that goddess on her knees,

that siren in the bedroom,

that nurturing caring woman who loves her family dearly,

that coach, presenter, teacher who has passion without edge for her work,

that outspoken, take no shit,

got no f-cks left to give about how you view me desirable woman,

who loves to play, has a big heart,

struggles with her own insecurities and fears,

her own lack of worthiness and shame,

but does her damn work each and every day,

because that is the only thing that keeps her going strong.

 

Yes that desirable woman.

They could not really embrace.

 

They loved all those pieces,

they wanted me to hold them up,

to be all of me.

To shine as bright as the north star in the heavens.

And loved the light that cascaded down on them.

 

But they could not handle it.  They feared it in truth.

That highly desirable woman.

well there was one great issue they had not conceived of yet,

 

that on their arm there I was.

Still highly desirable,

not just by them but by many.

and because my light attracted others,

this they feared.

so without understanding,

they all chose their own way to hide from the light,

or maybe better to dim the light as to make it not as attractive to all the competition.

 

And so the timeless story of boy meets girl,

boy falls in love with girl,

boy gets girl,

boy kills girl,

goes.

 

Not an actual physical death in my case,

but a killing of my radiance over time.

Through fear, shame, guilt, manipulation and falsities,

These men of my past have all fallen prey.

In their deep love and admiration of all that I am and can be,

they could not stand in the light and feel strong in the knowledge that others saw it too.

 

And so they ventured to take the star down from the heavens to keep it safe.

Not understanding that it was the death of the star or of the relationship with the star.

 

Now, some of these men would tell you that they fully accepted me, others would be more truthful and admit that it was too much for them,

they all would say that they had no desire to actually put out or even dim the light.

Because they loved that light and they all wanted me to be the best me that I could ever be.

 

They would tell you that it was not me that they did not fully accept, it was instead some of my ways, some of my beliefs, some of my desires or needs.

 

They would tell you that I triggered their past wounds.

They would tell you that I triggered their insecurity.

They would tell you that I was too outspoken, or out of the box in my relating.

They would tell you that it takes a lot to hang with me,

to breathe into some of the conversations that happen on a daily, moment to moment basis,

or that my flirty natural state of being was concerning.

They would tell you all of these things.

And they would say it was those things that caused the issues.

 

And I say what about those things are any different then the list above that you loved and desired so?

 

Oh yes,

it is the triggers, the wounds, the fears and insecurities.

 

That is what is different.

 

And therefore these beautiful, lovely, dynamic men of my past simply could never accept me for their own inner saga of thoughts turning to emotions and leading down the path of needing me to “just not be so bright.”

 

Well at least not so bright for anyone but them.

Just shine on me.

 

 

because it was the competition,

the fear of losing the highly desirable woman that they had on their arm and in their bed that was actually the issue.

And since that was linked to me,

Well the solution was simple…

 

STOP BEING SO DAMN DESIRABLE.

 

Surely then they would feel safe.

They would be happy.

They could feel strong, stable and confident.

Just so long as I was not so desirable.

So bright.

So wanted by others.

 

Change who you are babe,

but don’t change a thing.

 

Be you 100% babe,

just don’t make me feel insecure by being you.

 

Be confident, playful, sexy babe,

but only behind closed doors where others will not want for you.

 

I love the way you look babe,

But don’t look that way in public.

 

Yes these lovely men from my past,

love them I certainly do,

and so many men out there believe that they love their highly desirable woman fully as well,

but I ask you if that is true?

 

Can you feel strong and confident in her presence?

Can you feel strong and confident in the knowing that she is wanted by others but chooses you?

Can you feel your power more intensely by being with her,

or do you shake inside and feel the need to fight to keep all others at bay?

 

Does her beauty and intelligence scare you?

Her lack of need shakes fear to your core?

Does the fact that you cannot control her fluster and irritate?

 

These are the questions my love.

These you must answer truthfully,

for if you answer in accordance to keep her but it is not your truth,

you will only lose her all  the quicker.

 

THE DESIRABLE IS OFTEN NOT ACCEPTED,

This is the reality of life.

 

we desire to alter to our wishes,

believing that we can hold it without question,

believing that we have what it takes,

and so we lie about our truth,

we fall prey to fear and triggers,

but we forget that the answer is always the same…

 

unconditional love and acceptance,

is the foundation to everything beautiful and long term.

It cannot be forced.

It can not be faked.

 

You either have it or you don’t and if you don’t it means that you need to go within and find it for yourself before you can ever proclaim it for another.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

*Photo Credit @DandeLionImages

WE RISE AND WE FALL…

WE RISE AND WE FALL…

 

This is the cycle of love.

This is relationship.

We lean in and we reveal our deepest aspects,

trusting to be fully received, to be held and loved,

here in this space where we are willing to sacrifice ourselves so often to hold onto love,

to hold onto connection.

 

The feeling of love that whafts over us,

lifts us,

carries us and seems to heal our wounds,

heal our fears,

and make us have faith again in love,

in relationship,

in ourselves and in others.

The feeling of love has us want for more closeness,

makes us want to take away the space between ourselves and the the one we have put our attention toward,

we go deeper,

and we open in faith that this other human being will hold us safe no matter what,

we feel as though they will always choose us over anything else,

including themselves,

and we drift.

We drift into our delusions away from the truth,

away from our core,

away from reality and in this moment of believing that they will always choose us over even themselves,

we give away our power.

We lose ourselves.

 

And thus we lose the relationship.

For in the rise of what we call love,

we create our own suffering.

We cling to this other human making them our everything,

and we forget who we are.

Soon, we swirl and twirl within ourselves,

losing our footing,

and becoming whatever this other needs us to be,

instead of standing true to our core.

We start to lie to ourselves,

we tell ourselves that we do this or that for love,

that we must be something that we are not,

and that that is just how life is,

how love is and what is expected.

Our lies to self eat away at our core,

our spirit becomes enraged and feels suffocated,

but we continue the process of being,

being what our love needs of us.

Sharing our ideas,

sharing our hearts,

sharing our soul,

becomes less and less and we become a vessel of empty space,

empty space that leads to poison of the relationship,

of the love that we cherished so deeply.

And we fall.

 

What lifted us into the heavens,

what washed a smile over our face,

what lit us up and made us want for more,

now has us hiding.

Now creates pressure that we cannot breathe under.

And we fall into our own inner abyss,

fearful to share.

Fearful to damage,

fearful to hurt self or other by speaking our truth,

by leaning back into the space that we know we must go.

 

To stay alive,

to awaken from this pain body that we trapped ourselves in,

we must,

we must decide to choose us over the love,

over the other,

over everything.

And we lean in.

We lean into the raggedy edge of loving self,

enough to be true to our core.

And so we stretch into the awkward space that we had abandoned,

the space of US.

 

Here in this container of our soul,

we retrieve the lost aspects of who we once were.

We tap back into knowing our core,

and without warning we breathe in and find our world crumbling.

The love,

the relationship,

the other,

shatter.

The version of who we were for them, for the love that we had sacrificed ourselves for,

had believed their inauthenticity of loving us through anything,

of supporting us of being strong in our power,

in their claims of wanting all of us,

in holding us,

become clear once we choose coming home to self.

Coming back into alignment with soul.

Knowing our core and igniting ourselves from that space.

 

Yes now…

now that we are breathing,

now that we are feeling our core,

aligning back to soul,

that love,

it is no more,

and it appears that we are falling,

when in truth we are rising.

And what we were blind to was the reality that while we were choosing the relationship over our core,

that that was when we were actually falling.

 

True love is to lift us up to our greatest potential.

True love does not require us to step away from our core,

from our truth,

True love does not shame you for who you are,

true love not not desire to destroy what it fears,

because love does not fear anything,

least of all the rise of the soul.

 

————————————————————————-

 

To all those who sacrifice their core selves,

who step away from their soul and who they are,

in the name of love and have found themselves lost at the end of the day.

 

Love never expects you to be anything more or less then who you are.

 

Love expects you to love self first and most,

can hold your truth without reason or question and will never lie to you about its desires, or provide false hope in lieu of getting what it wants from you: You to conform to it.

 

Know thyself.

Love thyself.

Never second thyself.

 

And speak your truth even if it means goodbye.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”WE RISE

CATCH ME IN THE EXHALE.

 

CATCH ME IN THE EXHALE

 

The exchange of more than breath. 

The release of more than just air. 

 

The exhale. 

The release. 

The letting go. 

The feeling. 

The exchange that can only be experienced when a deep intimacy is present.

 

We crave to experience it, 

We value and fear it. 

We know its worth, 

But we have little concept of it.

Intimacy, 

True intimacy eludes us in our relationships and often throughout our lives.. 

We hear the tales of intimate love, 

Intimacy in our sex, 

With God and spirit. 

But we hardly grasp what it legitimately is. 

 

That is until we have it upon us. 

Breathing its existence into every fiber of our being. 

And then we know. 

Then it is unquestioned. 

Intimacy is the most powerful energy connection that two people can share. 

It exceeds the physical dimensions. 

It can be felt from opposite sides of the planet, 

It is a breathtaking connection of the rarest form. 

But why is it so elusive to the majority of people, 

For the majority of our lives?

Especially when we crave it, 

Work toward it, 

Value it and believe that we have it often to only discover that we are not even touching its rim when our reality awakens us to how distant we are in our lives from self, lovers and mates as well as God?

 

How do we so easily mistaken intimacy for the physical, 

Or for communication or time shared?

How do we believe that intimacy is a physical sexual act, 

Or something that can only be held in a container with just one?

 

When intimacy is expansive. 

Just like the exhale, 

It’s in the letting go and allowing of. 

It’s in the leaning into its ebb and flow, 

It’s in the energy of the exchange. 

The crossing of energetic paths and the meeting of souls that are aligned. 

It is the energetics of connection. 

It is the depth that we journey into, 

That exceeds words, actions and thought. 

There is no distance that can prevent us from touching our lover intimately, 

Through our sexual energy when we have this connection. 

We can go there on the waves of emotion felt, 

The visions we share, 

The heartbeat of our combined ripples in time. 

It is the exhale to our lovemaking, 

It is the exhale from our running toward, 

It is the exhale in our surrender, 

And the exaltation of our joy in our meeting. 

 

Intimacy is an energetic connection that has no reason to the ordinary. 

It has no explanation as to why we have it with some and why no matter how hard we work to achieve it with others that it can never be. 

 

There is no true methodology to create it. 

It balances on the tightrope of vulnerability and unconditional love. 

It needs witnessing and embracing for its truth. 

And it can never live when it is controlled, harnessed or demanded to exist when it is not in its natural state. 

 

You must catch it in the exhale of your very existence, 

And in the exhale of all that you know and have known. 

Because here is the only place where you can discover its beauty and strength. 

Its depth and value, 

It is the only place that you will be able to appreciate it for what it is and see that it is nothing like that, that you have experienced thus far. 

 

When you release into the exhale of intimacy you will allow yourself to drift without question. You will enjoy the simplest of things and find yourself speaking without a need for words. 

The silence of your energetic communication will be met with eye’s of knowing and hearts abound with love. 

 

You will fall in trust into intimacy, 

Because it is there to soothe you. 

It is there to comfort and hold you in the knowing. 

 

Can you feel it?

Have you felt it?

 

Truly. 

 

Or are you still captivated by the illusion of what you believe it should be and unhappy with the results of what you have?

 

Do you find yourself scratching your head in bewilderment at what I speak of. 

Unable to grasp its power. 

Unwilling still to lean into the challenging space of the unknown. 

And let go. 

 

Exhale into all that you crave with life, 

With your lover or mate, 

Your child and friend, 

With God and self. 

 

Intimacy is about the revealing of your deepest self. 

It is about taking down all the barriers and being seen. 

Intimacy has no boundaries. 

Not physical nor space. 

And that is the challenge of the human mind. 

We resist the inability to control. 

We fear what we have no say in. 

And so we turn our backs on the beauty of what we crave. 

We hide and complain, 

We fight for the limitations of it and we disregard the fact that it us that is setting up the walls to this beautiful energetic connection. 

It is our eyes that are blinded by fear. 

Hidden from our sight by ego. 

We can not recognize under the veils that we cover ourselves with the falsities of fear.

 

And so it remains elusive. 

And we sit in our inner chaos, 

desiring what we believe it is, 

Wanting always for more. 

And never satisfied. 

Always lost and empty to some degree in the relationship of life. 

With our lovers, ourselves and God.

 

But it is time my love. 

It is time to let go and exhale. 

That is where you will catch me at. 

That is the space that I choose to surrender into and meet you there. 

 

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” Rumi.

 

Yes here. 

 

Here my love. 

Here is where you will find me, 

Witnessing self and life. 

Exhaling into intimacy. 

Into you. 

Into me. 

Into life. 

 

Will you catch me in the exhale?

 

Breath.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

It’s time to receive the lover of your dreams.

It’s time to stop fearing the what ifs. 

It’s time to say yes to your F-ck Yes Life, 

Now and forever more. 

 

Reach out to me for coaching opportunities globally.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF – I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANTED YOUR SEX, HIS SEX, HIS SEX AND HIS….

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF….

I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANT YOUR SEX…

HIS SEX… HIS SEX… AND HIS…..

 

That’s a hard pill to swallow no matter if you are a man or a woman hearing it from your partner.

 

When the one you have invested your life with,

shared so many firsts with,

are doing this thing called life with,

comes to you and says that they desire to explore another,

or a few others.

 

The first reaction is fear.

The next anger.

And then you question,

“whats wrong with me, why am I not good enough.”

 

It feels like your partner has just told you that you mean nothing to them.

It feels like they just drove a million swords into your heart,

into your love and happiness.

And you find yourself not trusting.

feeling lonely, jealous and mad AF!

 

Whether they have acted on the desire of exploring another or not,

Most people struggle with their partners sharing a hunger for anyone but them.

Most feel threatened that their partner would ever even admire someone else.

Let alone say that they may want to explore someone else.

This goes against everything that we have taught since marriage came into play thousands of years ago.

 

But I tell you this little tidbit of truth in relationships.

No matter if you are in a monogamous or open relationship,

it is crazy stupid to think that all our desire,

all our noticing of others,

all of our attractions end for anyone else on this planet and is to ONLY be directed toward the one that we have sworn our sex too, our hearts too, our lives with.

 

The belief that desiring another is not healthy is perhaps one of the most toxic beliefs that can fall into a relationship.

It causes shame, guilt and separation in the relationship.

It prevents each party from being truly authentic with self or each other, and it creates a victim mindset.

 

Think about it,

In our culture that values but does not uphold monogamy we have programmed ourselves to believe everything that is not coming from love.

 

We say that we unconditionally love someone.

We say that we value honesty and truth above anything.

we say that we want our partner to shine,

to be happy and feel their best.

We claim that freedom is high on our list of desires.

We say that we do not want to own anyone.

And then we do everything in our power to do just the opposite.

 

And we start by preventing our partner from feeling their truth.

and ourselves as well.

 

We start by saying that from here forth we are it for each other.

Neither of us will EVER think about, look at or have a desire for anything or anyone outside of this relationship.

 

And if one of us do,

well we certainly better never admit it,

but if we do have a thought or feeling and it gets seen by the other then that will cause great jealousy and fear.

It will prove that the desiring partner is not to be trusted.

It will prove that the love was not real.

It will prove that there is a lack of commitment.

 

Here we have some of the greatest lies told to humans in relationships.

 

THE LIE THAT JEALOUSY IS NORMAL AND IT IS AN INDICATOR OF LOVE.

 

Jealousy has zero to do with love and everything to do with fear and lack of self-worth. It is about controlling someone else through emotional warfare to hold them in place to where we remain comfortable and feel safe. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity in the one feeling it and has NOTHING to do with actual love.

 

THE LIE THAT YOU SHOULD MEET YOUR PARTNERS EVERY NEED AND IF YOU DON’T THEN YOU ARE INADEQUATE OR THEY ARE TOO NEEDY.

 

This is a most unreal expectation placed on all of us in a relationship.

No one will ever be able to meet someone elses every need. No where else in our life experience are we expected to fulfill every need met for any person in our lives, children, friends or work related, we understand that it takes a village to meet all the needs. However when it comes to our sexual/romantic relationships we believe differently.

 

Here we get trapped in the concept that our partner MUST be our everything. That they must complete us. And if they do not or we cannot for them then we are not good enough or they are not.  If we do everything that we can to fulfill every need and fall short then perhaps our partners are too needy, perhaps they want for too much and are even using us or taking us for granted.

 

When in truth these expectations are simply unreal, causing shame, guilt and feelings of a lack of worthiness or enoughness in one or both parties.

 

THE IDEA THAT YOUR INSECURITIES ARE YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO TIP TOE AROUND AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON.

 

We are told that if our partner loves us then they will do everything in their power to not hurt us. To not harm our feelings and that if our feelings get hurt that it is a direct attack from someone who is being selfish and uncaring. We walk into a relationship expecting the other to magically never trigger us into any negative feelings or thoughts and to be able to read our past memories and current moods and thoughts without us having to say anything to them. And when they do not… OMFG! how disrespectful and uncaring.

The blame game is among one of our favorite games to play because it takes our responsibility away from managing ourselves and allows us to manipulate our partners emotions by having them believe that they are so powerful because of the love that we hold for them to make or break us in any given moment. We expect them to change and to grow, to become better so that we can somehow avoid the hassle of ownership of our own mind, hearts and actions. “You made me feel….” ” You should have known…” etc.

 

The truth is that NO ONE is responsible for our feelings or thoughts. Our hyperactive sensitivity has nothing to with this world or anyone else in it, instead it shows how insecure we are in ourselves about who we are and how we choose to turn over our power consistently in the pursuit to get what we want the most in that moment… control over someone else’s actions, thoughts and feelings.  The only person who can ever help us or change us is the person in the mirror and until we fall in love with that person and fully accept them in all their humanness we will never feel secure in the arms of another.

 

THE BELIEF THAT COMMITMENT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH EXCLUSIVITY.

 

Commitment = Exclusivity is the common belief. If you desire or need any other romantic/sexual or emotional relationship then you are not committed. Matter a fact you are considered to have commitment fears and issues.  This is sort of like saying if you have more than one child you can only be committed to one child and none of the others. There is only so much love to go around. Only so much concern. If you are committed then you should not ever have any curiosity. You should never feel a connection with anyone else.

And if you do, well you are not committed. You are not to be trusted. And certainly do not value the love that you share.

 

When the truth is that these two are not the same.

To be committed is to be dedicated and loyal to someone.

That does not mean that you have to exclude every other person from your life and all relationships that may trigger your partner.

Commitment is something that is unique by definition to each individual, because loyalty or dedication means something different to each.

Yet in many relationships we believe that once we are with someone that we can no longer have friends of the opposite sex, that we have to be completely different around the opposite sex, and we have to close off our personalities, close down the things that we enjoy and avoid at all cost or risk the perception that we are not committed in our relationship. This also comes back to the concept that we are responsible for our partners’ insecurities.

But it is not true.

 

THE IDEA THAT YOUR VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY THEY SPEND WITH YOU, AND ZERO-SUM COMPETITION WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THEY VALUE IN LIFE – INCLUDING OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.

 

When we are in a romantic relationship we feel like we need to attach at the hip.  After all, this person is our person. This is our best friend, our lover, our life partner. We should want to spend as much time together as possible, right. And if they care, if they really love us then there will be zero competition with anything else in their lives. They will want to be with us more than they want to learn that new skill, or play with their hobby, more than they want to work on themselves or build their career, and they most certainly will ALWAYS choose us over any other relationship.

 

Just because we are in a romantic relationship does not mean that all of our desire for everything else should go away.  It does not mean that we stop wanting to explore and expand alone. It does not mean that we must spend every possible waking moment together nor that we need to experience every first with each other. These are ridiculous, illogical ideas that can not be manifested without killing desire for our partner and creating boredom.

In order for us to crave our partners we must expand as an individual. We must have a life outside of our mate.  So often people feel like they have lost themselves, that they don’t know who they are anymore or that their partner does not see them anymore. This all stems from the fact that they prevented the space for growth as an individual and thus lost the magic of the relationship.

 

THE IDEA THAT BEING OF VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER SHOULD ALWAYS MAKE UP A LARGE PORTION OF HOW YOU VALUE YOURSELF.

 

You complete me is a common statement that you hear in romantic relationships.  The idea of being completed by someone lends to it the concept that because we feel fulfilled by a relationship that if that person ever changes or needs for something else or more that in turn we are not of as much value to them therefore we lose our own self-value because the thing that shows of the evidence of being worthy and valuable/lovable has changed.

 

This is crazy. Self-worth, love and value should never be sought for or hinge on anything outside of ourselves and our relationship to self and if we believe in God then to God or Source. The outside world and everyone in it just like ourselves are ever changing. We have no control over what occurs outside of ourselves and if we hinge our value on such we will never be strong in who we are or know ourselves. We will never feel safe or be able to trust.

 

THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A “ONE” OR SOULMATE AND THAT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE LOVE CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES OR DIFFERENCES.

 

We buy into the idea that there is only “one” true love and that when we find it that it will be able to conquer all challenges.  However, when that does not happen then we feel shortchanged, untrusting and question if love even exists.  The reality is that love, any love has its limits because we do not think of love in an unconditional way. We mix love up with need therefore the love that we desire to achieve in our relationships often comes with many hidden expectations as well as feelings of a need to control it out of fear of losing it. 

The concept of “the one” is beautiful and brings with it the idea that we are uniquely made just for someone else, meaning that we are indispensable to our partner. However this like so many other toxic beliefs in relationships is illogical. We each are unique no matter what, however if we are so needed by someone else is that love or need that is ruling our relationship and thus heart and with that is there any room for each individual to grow, change or transform as life will do to all of us? There is not under the guise of this belief. Because if we evolve as individuals then we may grow out of certain needs with our soulmate. Thus creating separation and a disconnect if both are not growing singularly as well as a couple.

In truth what we see with “the one” is that we are each “the one” for RIGHT NOW for someone and they for us. And maybe that relationship is romantic, maybe it is not.  But what we are to gain from the relationship experience is a greater knowing of self through the experience of another who challenges us, triggers us and calls us forth to become so much more of who we truly are.

 

These relationship myths and beliefs are an under current to our society. They are put on pedestals in our culture from movies and songs, to paintings and literature. They are focused upon in our spiritual study and ingrained in us from our pastors, family and friends.

All of them lead us to a false concept of love.

Unreal expectations of relationships for self and our partners and separation of self by preventing us from not owning our hearts, our thoughts and feelings, let alone our desires and needs out of fear of losing what we call love that is actually control over another.

 

No matter the label that you put on your relationship the question that you should ask of yourself and your partner of RIGHT NOW is,

“Can I be me unapologetically and authentically without a fear of losing you because of me being me? “

 

If you can both answer yes truthfully then you have love and acceptance of self and each other. These are the building blocks to an ever evolving relationship and life.

 

If not, then you need to ask yourself if sacrificing yourself for your lifetime will ever bring you the happiness and love that you are hoping it will?

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to learn more about authentic relating and how to develop a relationship based in unconditional love? Reach out to me to learn more about my couples and individual coaching today.

It’s time to realize that you are worthy of a beautiful relationship.

WHY DO WE AVOID OUR PLEASURE?

WHY DO WE AVOID OUR PLEASURE?

 

This is the question I sit here with,

pondering how could I have ever been so silly as to avoid everything that felt good,

to quickly turn away from positive direction,

out of fear.

 

Fear of anything,

fear of fucking it all up,

of not being good enough,

or maybe fear of being too much,

fear that I was not worthy of whatever it may be,

and so I turned away.

 

And used all my logic to make it happen and look appropriately.

I spent years doing this.

I still catch myself doing all too much in my opinion.

 

But I think that perhaps our biggest fear is the fear of not trusting ourselves.  We have made some poor decisions in the past, so how can we trust self here?

 

This is the one that can get us all.

 

And so we often psych ourselves out from following the lead of “feel good” and we turn around out of fear that we cannot trust ourselves.  That we should shut down and ignore, move away from whatever it is that we are wanting.

 

You see though,

we cannot just lay something down like a feeling or a desire in one area of our lives, or around the energy of one subject area of life and not expect the energy to seep out to all areas.

 

All of life is interwoven.

 

If we shut our passion down,

we start to lose passion in all areas of life.

If we shut down playfulness in one area of life,

we lose the fun in all areas of life.

We prevent ourselves from feeling all the emotions of life,

then inevitably we lose feeling for all areas of life,

and we drown in our fear of feeling.

 

But we humans,

we love to take things away from ourselves so that we can prove that we are good people, that we are trustworthy, loyal, committed,  safe…. etc. 

 

Don’t we?

and we start the whole proving ourselves by doing the take away from self typically for the sake of love.

 

Our version of love is really great at stealing so much beauty in life.

We believe that we must not be so many things when in love,

all the things that were okay when single suddenly cannot be experienced or it be looked upon as though we have commitment issues.  So no opposite sex friends ( we don’t care how long you have known them, you are in love now, you never need to speak to the opposite sex again, your love is your everything), do not be overly kind or smile, look into the eyes of the opposite sex again, do not take kindness from the opposite sex, always say no to help from anyone that is not the same sex as you unless they are your love.

 

We turn away from all the emotions,

the turn on, the play, the openness, the conversations even that add wisdom and creative thought into our lives.

 

We turn it away to “show” or should I say PROVE our love.

All of these things bring pleasure into our lives though.

We are shutting down and turning away from our pleasure,

in belief that by shutting it all down we will gain more pleasure because we now have this ….

 

THIS RELATIONSHIP.

 

And this relationship will fulfill our everything and we “should” not need for anything outside of this relationship.

 

After all that is what love gives us.

EVERYTHING.

 

Right?

But nothing is farther from the truth.

We are still human.

We still need connections from many.

We still have much learning to do and that requires a relationship with others outside of THIS RELATIONSHIP that is to be our everything.

 

But we shut it down.

We shut it down hard too.

We make sure not to notice,

not to connect,

but instead to guard and hide.

We shame and guilt ourselves should we even catch the eye of someone smiling our direction, blaming ourselves for the look on our face, the laughter we were showing or the garments on our body.

 

And so we shame our energy.

We shame our magnetism.

We shame our joy.

We shame our turn on for life,

and the saddest truth of all is that all this shaming has us shaming our love.

Because love is not about judgement and control.

Love is not about hiding and condemning.

Love is not about sacrificing our friendships and desires.

Love is about being lifted up by another who wants the best for us and wants our joy,

wants our light to shine bright.

Not dim it.

 

Love wants us to enjoy life and reap the pleasures of this life.

Love wants us to bask in it and show it to the world.

 

Ego,

which is where most of us reside when supposedly “in love”

wants to control, judge, condemn, feel jealousy and insecurity.

Ego wants you to hide who you are and change to fit the ideas and insecurities of others needs.

Ego fears all other relationships.

Ego fears your joy and your light.

Ego does not see how it turns you off and shuts you down over time in the name of love.

It believes that it is saving you,

saving your relationship,

saving your love.

Ego does not have faith.

It does not trust.

And it is quick to find fault anywhere but with itself.

 

Ego has us turn away from EVERYTHING that is pleasure and good for us,

but it has us run into the arms of all the pleasure that condemns us.

Ego will have us act in rage.

Ego will carry us the bottle to drink our sorrows away in.

Ego will have us “I’ll show you” as we sex with people we do not want to, to prove yet another point.

Ego will have us mask our feelings and hide with drugs and food.

Ego will get us to retract from life, to become workaholics.

Ego will do its job for sure…

the job it feels it must and that is to KEEP YOU SAFE AT ALL COST.

And it will do so under the guise of love everytime.

It will make you question yourself and your love.

 

And here is where we lose our power.

Here is where we lose ourselves.

Here is where we step out of alignment with SOUL, with God.

 

Because SOUL and God do not feel the same way about any of this that you are feeling through your ego.

 

The fact that you are having negative feelings, fear or insecurity, judgement and jealousy, a desire to control shows just how out of alignment you are.  You could not feel this much pain if your inner self did not feel differently.

 

That is what being out of alignment means.

When you feel drastically different from  that that your inner being feels.

 

And do you honestly believe in your heart of hearts that TRUE LOVE ever desires for you to not shine?

For you to deny yourself joy, happiness, connection?

 

Do you believe that true love wants to control you?

 

Yet you sit there turning away from your joy,

your happiness and your expansion,

andall the pleasure that these things bring you,

based on the concept that you need to prove your love by doing just this.

 

I get it.

I too am guilty of this ego game.

I have shunned my truth in the face of what I thought to be love.

I have hidden myself from my truth based on fear and judgement.

I have said no to myself when I was a fuck yes because I was afriad of not being good enough or making a mistake.

I have been there.

I have made poor choices based on this ego.

I have avoided my intuition out of fear of not being able to trust myself.

 

And I have suffered the results.

 

The regret of not saying yes to living,

to growing and expanding self,

to experience,

to love and connection.

To abundance and joy.

 

Regret.

It’s a nasty bi-product of saying no to the alignment of self.

 

The ego is a bitch my dear.

We all have one.

Our power is reestablished by witnessing our emotions and seeing for the guidance system that they are.

 

Are you ready to learn your truth?

To live the life that you feel called too and love fully?

 

Authentically.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Coaching for Grown A*s Believers

 

October Asskickery Month is almost upon us.

Are you wanting to make some changes in your life, love or sex?

Want to take action but do not know where to start?

Need a swift kick to get what you want?

Reach out to me about this global opportunity to have that F-ck Yes Life that you are wanting for now.