90 Days of No Orgasm- Say What?

“My body is tense and tight as are my emotions and heart. I feel little love, appreciation or compassion let alone toleration. Or perhaps that is all I feel. I am tolerating life. I am tolerating work. I am tolerating my family.  There is no feeling of interconnectedness, no desire washing through me.  I feel lost, alone, depressed without reason, fatigued and sore. I feel loveless and angry. I feel an ever growing panic inside of my soul. As if my life is being stolen and for what?

The smile on my face and my light-hearted attitude that everyone sees is far from my internal reality where it’s more like being trapped in the swamps of some limbo land of the forgotten. I am unseen, unheard and feeling unworthy. Unworthy of being seen, heard, loved, sexed properly, or even cuddled and nurtured. Sure, I can reach out to my children or girlfriends for emotional support and snuggles, but this is not what my soul craves to keep itself alive. No, my soul craves to be held safe in the arms of the masculine. To be loved, adored, cherished and ravished to the marrow in my bones and through every last cell of my physical being. My soul craves with ever expanding fear to be penetrated mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally by the masculine. It needs to weep and laugh while singing its orgasmic rapture before my lover. It needs to feel safe while opening into the darkest corners of vulnerability. It needs to feed like a ravenous vampire on the love that can be expressed and felt during gourmet sexing. It needs to be felt with every tilt and pulse of my pelvis as I wrap my legs around my lover and pull him deeper where he has no choice but to surrender and bow at my alter. Where he can no longer deny my passion, my thirst for him and for life. My soul needs to burn. It needs to be ignited and seen. It needs to be felt and embraced in return.

Alas, this is not the case. Instead my soul is dying. It is dim and lifeless. It lives in its own shadow of a time since gone. Instead I feel numbness that is not numb but painful. My body is over ridden with what feels like a plague. I question existence, purpose, and reason. I question my worth. Looking inward I see a woman who is lost and feels like life has been stripped away, yet there is still a glimmer of hope. This glimmer is hungry, it wants so badly to be strong and to push forward. It wants to feel again, to live again, to heal and most of all it wants to breathe.

 

90 days is a short time line. You can do anything for 90 days, right?

90 days is a extremely long time as well. It can change your whole chemical, molecular being. It can retrain your thoughts and it can open you up to the vastness that life has to offer, or it can shut you down and make you question life.

90 days can heal you.

90 days can torture you.

It only takes 90 days to turn a turned on woman into a woman who is under-fucked, bitter, numb and on the verge of hysteria. How do I know this? Because I am that woman.  I am that turned on woman in the spot light, leading others to a turned on state of being and I am also that under-fucked woman crying out from the shadows of the dungeon of hysteria begging for mercy. That mercy being orgasm.

Orgasm use to come to me so easily. I could easily have 20+ orgasms in one love making session. I would experience clitoral, G-spot, cervical, female ejaculation and emotional orgasms just to name a few. They would course through my veins and roll through my body with ease, feeding me. Leaving me fulfilled and with so much to give to the people and world around me. I felt youthful, alive, confident, connected, passionate, full of desire and certainty. I could move through obstacles with faith and love. “

90 days of no orgasm sends you in another direction though.

29 things that 90 days of No Orgasm Gets You- My Personal Observation

  • Irregular periods
  • Heavier menstrual flow with more pain and moodiness
  • A constant feeling of female blue balls- aching in my pelvis
  • Less fluid stride in my walking
  • Decreased confidence
  • Depressed
  • Anxious
  • Headaches and body pain
  • Decreased immune system- keep getting sick, always feel sick and cannot get well quickly
  • Fatigue
  • Increased hunger
  • Weight gain
  • My once clear skin now has numerous acne breakouts
  • Feeling of hopelessness
  • Zero desire for anything
  • A short fuse – limited patience/toleration and understanding
  • Once clear head now has mental chatter
  • Breast tenderness
  • Zero libido
  • Emotional out bursts
  • Crying almost daily
  • Anger that creeps into rage
  • Fear to move forward with things
  • Lumps and tender spots on or around my pussy
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Random Yeast infections
  • Sensitive vaginal skin that tears easily
  • Pain during and after any sexual play
  • A feeling of disconnectedness to everything including my children, family, lover and friends. As well as G-d.

This may seem crazy to many who read this. How can all of that happen to a woman just from not having orgasm in her life?

But it does.

Science has been proving for a long time that orgasm is a vital nutrient to the feminine. It helps keep us women stabilized, positive and connected. In my practice I work with many women who have not had an orgasm for years, possibly even a life time. I also work with women who have become addicted to clitoral orgasms but believe or have not had anything deeper than this. Keeping them in a quick fix mode of orgasm which is often the case in female masturbation practices or even in our sexing.

Ancient spiritual based practices, dating back 7,000+ years spoke and taught on how important orgasm, real orgasm not just climax was to the feminine. It goes far past our physical well being and even our psychological well being. Orgasm is the well spring of creation and connection to the divine. To God. When we women do not have true orgasm in our lives and a space to surrender to our lover and our orgasm then we turn off to life. We disconnect from our partner, from our world and from ourselves. We move from the embodiment of self and radiance to living in our heads and just “dealing” with this thing called life. Life becomes about the duty instead of the living.

Unfortunately, we live in a world of under-fucked women. I say under-fucked not to sound crude and that women “should be” fucked, but to make the point that women do need to be held in a space for a long enough time frame with a safe masculine that can stand in her fires, in her tears and in her orgasm. This masculine can not be forced on her. He must earn her. Earn her trust. Her heart and her orgasm. This is not a space that many men are familiar with nor have they been taught about in todays society. However, when the chosen masculine is there holding this space then the woman can release into the greatest depths of surrender with herself and with him, thus creating the feeling that he has fucked her wide open to the universe. It is in this space that the feminine gets filled with love and with orgasm to her core. All other concepts of orgasm are nothing more than illusions and hoaxes.

Clitoral orgasm is a masculine orgasm. It is sharp, quick and what I call fast food. It feels good for the moment but that is all it gives you a moment and you find yourself hungry and feeling empty shortly thereafter. It also trains the body and mind to accept less than what is possible. Once we believe that this is all that orgasm is then many never think to venture further down the path to find true fulfillment.

But this is us settling for something that will never be anything more.

In todays society and way of thinking we claim to desire so much yet few are willing to go out and make their desires a reality. We settle for the lessor car because it is economical, the lessor house because the school district is what we think is better, the lessor relationship because it is better then no relationship and he/she is nice. We settle for the lessor orgasm because we don’t know that there is anything better and we don’t have the time to get it. So, we settle.

I could easily be writing this about masculine orgasm as well, however I am not. Focusing on the feminine because this topic is near and dear to my heart and my pussy. The above share is my truth about a time that I went longer than 90 days without orgasm. I had to learn how to surrender to myself in other ways to escape the lack of orgasm that I had in my sexing. I had to rediscover myself and my passion in other areas to ignite my orgasm again so that I could have it. I had to lean into my pain and fear and face them with love for self and life. I had to go back to the roots of my desires and start there. FRESH.

This is the path that every woman who is without true orgasm must take. The answer to connecting to an orgasmic life is to learn how to surrender to life. To embody yourself and to discover your core desires.

I share this musing with you in hopes that you will do just these three things and give yourself permission to live the orgasmic, turned-on life that you deserve.

3 Keys to Opening Up to Your Orgasm

  • Daily practice pussy communication. This is a foundational practice to reconnect you to your pussy. If you are living in your head then you are not embodying yourself. If you do not get back into your body then you will have limited to no sensation and you are blocking yourself from your divine feminine as well. Meaning that you have muted your intuition. Intuition is an art of blending voice of spirit with feelings and physical sensations of the body. By focusing on communication with your pussy on a daily basis you will tap back into your truth and feel more led by your core. Things will start to work out in your favor more and you will also start hearing your voice of desire again. To do this exercise all you need is a quiet space and your hands. Take your left hand and place it on your heart, your right hand and place it on your pussy. Now just breathe deep into your stomach, pulling the breath down as far as you can to allow your tummy to expand. Hold the breath for a moment and inquire with your pussy, “What message do you have for me?” From here move into a dialogue with your pussy as you focus on your breathing and feel for the sensations that she has to share with you. Ask her questions such as, “How do you feel about this relationship? – This job? – This move?” etc. Then listen to the sensations in your body. Your body’s wisdom is your soul speaking to you about what is best for your highest and greatest good.
  • Vulva Love Practice. Set aside time each day or at very lest 3 times a week to do this goddess practice. Set up a space that is pretty to all your senses. If possible, do this practice outside a few times with the sun shining down on your pussy. Create a sacred space with smells, music and different textures that you enjoy and find relaxing. Allow yourself to relax into this space as you gently massage your vulva with your favorite oil (I suggest unscented coconut oil). Make slow strokes and really allow yourself to feel all the sensations of your fingers running across your pubis mound and vaginal lips. Massage and stroke for feelings of pleasure NOT orgasm or climax.  Notice how good it feels to just feel the soft, conscious touch.  Next stroke with the intent of love and appreciation. With each stroke say out loud or internal words of love and appreciation to your pussy. Speak of her beauty. Her ability to receive pleasure and give pleasure. Her ability to manifest life. Speak of her warmth, her velvety softness. Remember to say thank you to your pussy for all that she has given you and that you value her guidance in your life.
  • Pussify Your Life. In this exercise you only need to ask your pussy for her feelings about something. This is a beautiful practice to focus us women on embodiment to self, something that many of us have lost in our modern world. To start and give you a feel for this practice, take on your under-ware and bra drawers. Take each pair of panties out and one by one hold them up to your pussy. Now ask, “Do you like this pair of panties?” Then feel what sensations come up in your body. Notice your emotions around each garment. If you have anything other than a strong F-ck YES! To the garment then toss it without question into a get rid of pile. Do this with all your panties and then move to your bra’s. If you want to really pussify your world, move to your closet and clean it with the guidance of your pussy instead of your logical brain. The result is that you will find yourself with ONLY garment that make you feel good. You will clear out all the things that you thought you needed for some logical reason or have been holding onto to be smart or out of fear of not replacing it. When you do this, you will now not only be honoring yourself and your emotions, you find that you are more turned on to life and feeling better about what you look like as well.

You are a divine, beautiful woman who deserves orgasm in her life.

For you to have all the orgasm that you want, sexually and generally in life, you MUST own your ORGASM and open to fully receiving the blessings that the universe and your pussy have for you.

This is a decision though.

Do you want a Turned- On Life?

Do you desire a life full of rapture and blessing?

Do you crave a fairytale relationship?

Do you desire gourmet sex?

Then choose YOU!

Choose Orgasm.

Choose to EMBODY YOU.

–KW

May Has Cum…Have You? Masturbation Month.

maymasturbationmonth

In case you were wondering, May is National Masturbation Month. The celebration of May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.

After a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, an audience member asked Elders about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She answered,“I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”

That was the end of Elders’ career as America’s first black Surgeon General, but the spark for National Masturbation Month. Offended by Elders’ ouster, the ever progressive, pro-sex staff of San Francisco’s sex toy and education company Good Vibrations decided to find a way to keep the focus on Elders’ unjust firing, and to bring talk about masturbation into the mainstream in just the way Elders had envisioned.

Realizing that large number of folks lacked support and advice to help them enjoy the simple, basic act of masturbation, Good Vibrations sought to provide support, advice, and reassurance for people looking to open their own personal sexual horizons.

And so was born National Masturbation Month. Among the first steps Good Vibrations took was to promote masturbation as healthy, safe and natural way to express one’s sexuality, thereby removing much of the shame and stigma have so long colored the act masturbation.

So, is it true, as so many believe that masturbation is so commonplace, natural, pleasurable and healthy that “ninety-eight percent of us masturbate, and the other two percent are liars?” If so, why do we need an entire month to educate people on something they’re already enjoying?

The answer is twofold: First, to help those already enjoying themselves to delve further. Second, and most importantly, it looks like plenty of people might still benefit from some encouragement and education.

A recent cross sample study of American adults asked the question: “On average, over the past 12 months, how often did you masturbate?” Only 38 percent of women said they’d masturbated at all during the past year, while 61 percent of men had done so.

The data shows that young women seem to warm up to masturbation more slowly. The study showed women from 20- to 39-years old were the most enthusiastic masturbators, with women 18 to 20, and those over 40 masturbating less. The study is the subject of an excellent article by Journalist Michael Castleman in Psychology Today.

Earlier studies have shown that rates of masturbation are higher for both men and women with higher education, more frequent sexual thoughts, sexual experimentation before puberty, and more lifetime sexual partners. Moreover, masturbation has documented physical benefits for both men and women, to say nothing of likely emotional and psychological benefits.

Health Benefits for Men
A 2007 article in Sexual and Relationship Therapy notes that masturbation may help men improve immune system function, build resistance to prostate gland infection, promote overall prostate health. Moreover, Australian researchers have shown that frequent masturbation may lower a man’s risk of developing prostate cancer.

A survey of men found the more frequently a man masturbates between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to get prostate cancer. In fact, those who masturbated more than five times a week were one-third less likely to develop prostate cancer.

These findings were the subject of a 2003 Doonesbury panel by Pulitzer Prize-winning Garry Trudeau. In the panel, one character alludes to masturbation as “self-dating.” Nearly half of the 700 papers which normally syndicate Doonesbury did not to run that strip, proving that public discussion of masturbation is still a thorny issue for some, and perhaps attesting to the need for an observance like National Masturbation Month.

Health Benefits for Women
Women who masturbate regularly increase their resistance to yeast infections. Masturbation helps women release pre-menstrual tension and other physical discomfort associated with menstrual cycles, like cramps. Masturbation increases blood flow to the pelvic region, which helps to reduce pelvic cramping and related backaches. Masturbation can also help to alleviate chronic back pain and increase a woman’s overall pain threshold.

Health Benefits for Both Men and Women
For both men and women, masturbation is the safest sex possible, with no possibility of sexually transmitted disease, or of unwanted pregnancy. It’s a great way to relieve stress, and release a nice flood of mood boosting endorphins. Masturbation is both a natural energizer, and a good way to help you sleep better, depending on the time of day. Lastly, masturbation helps to build stronger pelvic floor muscles, which can improve sexual performance and enjoyment. The benefits of masturbation for men and women is the subject of an excellent article for Fox News by Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright.

So, don’t just stand there, get out and celebrate National Masturbation Month. I’ll leave the details to you.

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Pleasure Psychotherapy

I met a pleasure based psychotherapist recently. When Janov’s Primal Therapy came along I seem to recall that he said that a therapist was a dealer in pain. So is therapy about pleasure or pain and trauma?

Nobody would go to a therapist to talk about how happy they were or what a great childhood they had; but it is one of the more interesting questions in therapy the extent to which we have to go in to past pain and trauma to clear it out. In our culture we have the “no pain, no gain” school of development. A deeply Puritan culture like the British is very suspicious of happiness. I can lead straight in to the arms of The Devil. In most therapies, both humanistic and analytic happiness could well be covering something up; even a manic defence against deep sadness. Of course this can be true but it is also true that many defences, particularly somatic ones, tend to block access to all deep emotions; pain as well as joy.  This is simply because all strong emotions and body sensations are close together in their emotional anatomy and neurology. On a fairground roller-coaster the riders play with the edge between fear and excitement; screaming with fear as the car descends and then cuing up for another go! A father playing with a young child may throw them up in the air and catch them giving squeals of joy, excitement, fear overcome by return to safety. Deep sobbing and deep belly laughter are quite similar to observe from the outside. In the intense autonomic activation of orgasm, pleasure and crying can come together. Those in to BDSM are experts on the edge between pleasure and pain and how both can lead to altered states of consciousness.

Many therapies are very interested in trauma; particularly if that term is extended from single incident events such as an accident, or act of abuse or death of someone to include developmental trauma such as having a depressed mother when there would be many occasions when the required empathic attunement and care-giving weren’t there. In the past going into the pain was seen as the only way. Now with modern energy psychology methods such as AIT(www.aitherapy.org) that I practice this is known not to be necessary. Just naming the trauma and finding the location in the body is often enough to clear it.

So as we block pleasure and pain, when a client comes in for a session reporting that they feel good. Unless I am very suspicious of this, I will only want to move feeling good to feeling fantastic. There has been more attention recently to positive psychology and to the concept of Flow,  (from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi);  a state of being where we are not divided and distracted but fully engaged in life at that moment.

So while I will try as a therapist to stay fairly divided in my attention between pain and pleasure. I have a growing sense that working with pleasure and how to expand it and deepen it within our bodies and our neurology is a powerful way forward. This forms a large part of my book Tantric Psychotherapy that I am working on at the moment (see www.tantricpsychotherapy.com )

Martin is London based psychotherapist 

READ More from Martin HERE

BIO:

I have worked for nearly 30 years a psychotherapist and counsellor and supervisor. In private practice and in training courses, for a university and now for the police.