Last year I went out with my second oldest child, my daughter Rebekah to get tattoo’s. She had this beautiful quote that she was getting putting on the inside of her arm that her boyfriend had ended a love letter with. It was such lovely, powerful words of encouragement and I could easily understand why she desired to keep them for her lifetime.
I love ink. And getting inked is a THING.
If you are into ink, you get it.
If not, oh well, I am sorry.
SO I decided that I would get a tattoo as well, but I always want my tattoo’s to have meaning of some sort and I had not given much thought to this moment. There we were driving to the artist discussing what I should do. When Bek says mom,
“To be soft is to be powerful. – This is so you mom.”
I was bewildered, I do admit.
I felt like I sucked at being soft.
I felt like soft was scary.
I felt like soft was bad somehow, that I should be ashamed of it even.
I questioned what she meant by this.
And she explained,
“Mom you are always there for us. You always let us see you and you are always working on yourself. You make mistakes and you allow for our mistakes. You are the strongest person.”
What she was expressing to me was that I ALLOWED MYSELF TO FEEL LIFE.
The joy and orgasm.
I feel it all.
And I KNOW the BEAUTY of it, because I allow myself to experience it all.
And so, she was correct in her statement and much like her that day, I needed to keep with me the reminder of my power in my FEELS.
Through the course of this lifetime,
I have wanted so badly to run and hide from what I was feeling.
I have wanted to mask it,
cover it up and not allow it to be seen by self or others.
And when I did allow it to be seen or felt,
I was shamed of my humanness around my fears, my joy, my pain and void.
Something always seemed amiss in my feeling,
it was this voice in my head,
telling me that I should not be feeling this way.
It was this same voice telling me I was weak, pathetic and hopeless.
That it was this sort of crap that kept me disconnected from people.
That I was too much to handle.
I was broken.
And so I worked ever so hard to toughen up.
I focused on breathing in my emotions and “building a strong house” to hold them in.
In the belief that by not revealing them,
by holding them,
that I was being emotionally mature.
Looking back at this I feel silly.
Sweet in my desire to be mature with my emotions,
strong for the people in my life,
But so wrong in truth,
this way of being,
of living was not LIVING.
It was hiding from life.
It was avoidance of who I was,
it was a shrinking of my heart center,
a closing to the one’s that I love.
It was a hardening or callousing of my ability to connect,
to be seen and to see another.
In this stifling of feeling,
I lost my ability to have intimacy with life, with others and with self.
I SHRUNK as a human.
And in this I lost.
I was the BIGGEST looser.
Because all I wanted was the intimacy,
To be received and to hold space for another.
And what I gifted myself with in my “strength of holding my emotions so tight” was to shield LIFE.
The end result outside of loss of intimacy and ability to relate, connect and love, let alone be authentically compassionate or forgive self or others,
also led me to a shut down in my allowance to self to open and receive abundance.
My lesson in feeling,
was that in order to have my desires manifest in any fashion,
I needed to allow myself to “SOFTEN INTO THE FLOW OF FEELING LIFE.”
That my power came from this space,
You see in order for you to be able to KNOW YOUR PATH,
to FEEL what is right and good for YOU,
in order for you to be able to TRUST your judgement on any decision,
You must FEEL Your emotions, your physical reactions, your truth about it.
This means that if you are calloused to FEELING LIFE,
you will consistently make wrong choices for YOUR LIFE.
And this is not what living is about.
This is just existing.
And that is the WHY that you have been questioning.
WHY AM I NOT HAPPY?
Why does nothing make me happy?
You are not FEELING LIFE.
Want to change this?
Message me for deet’s on 1:1 Coaching Today and level up your life experience to one of FEELING.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”