Most Women Fake Orgasms because Most Men Fake Foreplay. ~ Bella Bliss
Today I read this quote in an article and found myself nodding yes to its raw truth. It is a shame that so many women have never experienced a man who could be present enough, last long enough or even have the understanding of what it truly takes to get a woman off.
Over the last few weeks I have been blessed with this topic coming up repeatedly.
One afternoon after our Orgasm Camp Workshop I was driving around town with my 80 year old mother. She had attended the Orgasm Camp workshop and was amazed at what she saw, witnessed and learned. She asked me if it was honestly possible for a woman to be in such raptures of orgasm as our model was in class or was the model just “faking it?’ I assured her that I knew first handedly that it was indeed possible and the way we women were designed, however due to many belief structures, our physical stress levels, our societal inability to fully connect and our focus on sex and orgasm merely being on the genitals and the friction between them that we hardly ever achieved this rapture.
I then went on to discuss a recent love making event that I had had with a long term lover of mine. I shared with her how this man took the time to explore, play and arouse my whole being. Thanks to this man, I have grown to appreciate and understand that a mature man is not just in to sexing a woman so that he can cum, but more importantly that his pleasure is bi-product of her bliss. The more he can build pleasure in her and bring her not just to climax and orgasm but to fully surrendering to him, herself and the heartbeat of the universe, the more ecstatic bliss he experiences as well.
This only happens though when a man is willing to take the time to lay the foundation. If he jumps into diving into her right away then she is far from being physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually ready for the event and it turns into a broadway play instead, where she ends up faking it because she is quickly board and empty from the event. No longer even feeling attraction to her lover.
Interestingly enough a few days later I witnessed a few episodes of just this happening. Pushing boundaries and wanting to educate myself I found my partner and self at a swingers club in Dallas. At first the couple’s were all shy acting, not connecting or mingling like I had anticipated, but then as the night went on, the majority of couples moved into the partiality private sexing rooms. Here is where I noticed ton’s of friction sex happening. Standing among the numerous hot scenes that were taking place I found myself going deeper into what was actually happening. These couple’s had gone from zero to 80 in less then 3 minutes and the women were going through the motions. This was obvious from their bored faces.
Two scenes stood out to me the strongest: A woman was laying on her back naked with one man kneeling beside her, zipper down and cock in her mouth while another man thumbed around her vulva and flicked at her clit. She wiggled trying to help this man aim his fingers better and get the right pressure but soon the man who she was giving a blow job to came and quickly moved off the bed to zip his pants up. There she was a whopping 5 minutes into what could have been a hot threesome fantasy being acted out and one man was already down for the count. Not missing a beat the man who had put in 5 minutes of stumbling around her vulva without care was now taking her from behind and guess what 3 minutes later was zipping up his pants. She moaned and grabbed at he sheets beneath her so that her lovers would feel like they had accomplished something but her face and body spoke otherwise.
Scene two: In the bed next to the above scene there was a woman laying on her stomach naked with her lover lover straddling her and penetrating her with great force and effort while holding her head down in an animalistic raw fashion as though he was fully taking her for his own, a man stand beside them watching and I am sure wishing to be part of this game. The man penetrating the woman was forceful, full of raw masculine energy but the woman again looked blank. Perhaps she was thinking about work she needed to get done the next day or items for the kids, whatever she was thinking about it was far from what her physical body was going through. Although she too moaned, made some faces and tightened her fists. Shortly thereafter a long, large groan came from the man and he pressed deep into her and was done. She popped up and acted like it was all good. 10 minutes of non-orgasmic, disconnected wannabee sexing.
Both of these scenes could have been earth shaking, fulfilling, powerful events for all parties, but that is not the reality.
If any of these men had just taken the time and energy to stroke her the right way, they could have been gifted with a woman turning into a true orgasmic goddess not just downloading zone for their ejaculation.
And here we have the #1 issue in sexual relationships: He comes too soon, she can’t ever seem to get there so fakes it. Time goes by, distance grown’s and the relationship becomes sexless. Thus resulting in numerous issues.
I can assist you with this and so many other sex and relating issues that are common place in today’s world. As well as teach you how important having gourmet sex is to the chemistry of the rest of your life.
If you are one of the people who believe that you have to have serious problems or trauma in sex in order to have sufficient use of a coach or educator then you need to read this article: 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Sex Coaching
For some time, we have created and perpetuated the belief that sexuality and spirituality are two very different boxes in our lives, along with the idea that sex is dirty, impure, and “ungodly” – only acceptable for reproduction. The treatment of this part of ourselves as forbidden and primal has led us to using the act of sex in many debasing ways and has greatly minimized, if not eliminated altogether, the idea that sexuality is actually one of the doorways to help us remember our Divinity.
When we shift to accepting its higher vibration, our sexuality becomes a sacred form of self-realization and opening to the higher self, as well as opening to full union of higher love and connection with another. In this way, it’s incorporated as a crucial part of our spiritual evolution!
Our guest this week is Kendal Williams (www.tantrictransformation.com), a Tantric practitioner whose lifetime journey to self-empowerment presented itself through the melding of her sexuality and spirituality.
Listen to the recorded talk via VoiceAmerica
Living the Shift: Our Evolution of Body, Mind, and Spirit
The Union Between Sexuality and Spirituality as Part of Our Evolution
Show date: 7/30/13
Key Notes from Kendal’s Interview
Angela: Please cover the highlights of your background, how your journey led you to finding your spirituality within your sexuality.
Kendal: Spirituality has been in my life forever. Sexuality was too, but I did not understand it as such. The world has always turned me on, everything about it. Even as a child I was fascinated and turned on my nature and by everything the world had to offer me. However it was not until my teen years that I was opened up to the possibilities. Love stepped into my life with a young man who was my first teacher. He brought a greater scope of spirituality into my life by introducing me to the concepts and practices of Tantra. Our lovemaking and deep connection opened me to life and the unity of spirituality and sexuality. My real lessons in love and in life happened though when he left and my heart crumbled into pain. This allowed me to experience the rawness of life and great beauty came from it. I turned and walked down the path of what I call the, “white picket fence life,” You could say I strived for the American dream. Success. Or what we are taught success is, the house, car, travel, money, etc. I married and had children. We went through much chaos and learning and grew spiritually even though neither of us were consciously aware of the lessons at hand. Over the course of 17 years our paths slowly separated and our lessons needed to manifest apart from each other. Toward the end of my marriage I called into my life a teacher. I started paying attention to the omens/signs around me and reconnected to the spirit that I had always knew. During this time of my life I was introduced to kabbalah and learned about the ego and how to expand our light body as well as the meeting of Duncan Knight (my tantra teacher and now dear friend). I knew three things at this point: 1) I needed healing personally, I was numb to life and if I felt anything it was rage and depression 2) I wanted my relationship to my husband healed but was not caught up on any given physical outcome of that, whatever healed meant was good for me and 3) I wanted to become a practitioner.
As I worked with Duncan my lower chakras started to awaken and heal, with this my desire for living life and feeling was summed back. I was horny. My kundalini was awakening and as it did I decided that I needed to explore sexuality deeper and expand out. This awakening brought reality into a clear picture, I wanted lovers in my life. I wanted sensual expression in my life. I wanted experience and I wanted the courage to do what was needed. I was scared to death of each step I had to take, but the universe provided me with many perfect souls that would become my guides, teachers of life, mirrors, lovers and friends and even a few that would come through to teach the hard lessons of pain and suffering. This time of life was full of miracles when I look back at it. Even as I worked through tough issues such as rape and the separation of a 17 year marriage I now can see the great beauty in what was being provided.
In the unity and healing of my sexuality and spirituality I opened the gateway to harmony, peace, unconditional love and acceptance of self and others and the ability to live unbound.
Angela: What is the difference between basic sexuality, as we generally know it today, and what sexuality can be (and provide) in its optimal state?
Kendal: Its ALL about integration. The integration of sexual pleasure and spiritual surrender. We do this when we learn to love and trust in life, not just in our intimate relationships. Openness is about the body opening up, our muscles relaxing, our hearts opening instead of hiding behind emotional blockades; where spiritual openness is fully feeling into each moment of life, feeling that there is NO separation between us and that precious moment of the present. When we do this we reach optimal bliss and passion not just in our lovemaking but in our daily lives. You see when we get turned on in the bedroom we are also getting turned on to life. Sex is a creative process that wants to manifest miracles. We are the ONLY species that has the ability to not only experience great pleasure from our “mating” but also not have it be mating, instead we have the great blessing of sex for pleasure and manifestation. This is where we need to start to except sex’s greatest gift to us. In our sexing we are able to expand our vessels and fill ourselves with an enormous amount of life force energy, if we open to this power of the creator and align our thoughts in the moment or orgasm to what we want to manifest in life then we can draw down these things, out of the quantum field of possibilities and have them materialize into our lives.
Angela: Does someone have to be in a relationship to explore this part of themselves? Please expound on this a little bit.
Kendal: Absolutely NOT. Some of the best and most powerful, spiritually evolving as well as educational sex is provided in the presence of no one other then ourselves. Self pleasuring is mandatory weather you are in a relationship or not. And I highly recommend that if you are single that you take this opportunity to work on yourself both sexually and spiritually. With self- pleasuring in a spiritual sense you learn to become the shaman of your life, you learn about your body, what you like and don’t like, you learn about your energy and how it flows through you at orgasm and if you are wise you will allow yourself to be witness to not only the pleasurable events of energy flowing but how your energy flows when you are upset, depressed or otherwise. How do these times relate in energy flow to orgasm and how can you direct that energy for the greatest good instead of what normally happens, a short circuit and then exhaustion. Through the practice of spiritual sex (weather alone or not) you can acquire powerful tools of self control, self love, acceptance, healing and learn to open to your own personal vortex of abundance.
Angela: What would be your advice to someone who’s put sexuality low on the priority scale in their spiritual evolution?
Kendal: Leaving sexuality out of spirituality is like trying to be positive all the time in life, by doing this we abandon part of ourselves. We are not being authentic. And by doing that we remain at the level that the part of us that we abandoned is still sitting. Only through embracing all of ourselves, including our kinks and dysfunctions, our traumas and our desires, our angels, saints and devils will we ever be able to become the full expression of love that the creator wants us to be. This is true surrender and surrender is powerful for our spiritual/emotional and physical growth. You have to remember that the thing that all of us that consciously walk a spiritual path subscribe to is the power of love, well that love-force that moves through the universe is also the same love force that breathes our breath and enables our hearts to beat as well as our genitals to experience orgasm. The only reason we don’t accept sex as a spiritual force is because of 2500 years of fear being programmed into us. When this fear dissolves, we no longer separate ourselves from the creator, we become part of the infinite flow of life. Opening sexually is opening to this flow of life. When we are having sex we are (if we are a man) penetrating the world with our presence in the moment, with our strength, our passion, our purpose. We are guiding the energy of the universe into what we want to manifest. (if we are a woman) the more we open our legs and allow ourselves to be penetrated we open to abundance, creation, love and surrender. In this we women carry with us the infinite universe within our wombs where we can manifest our dreams into reality.
Angela: What would you recommend as the first step for anyone wanting to explore their sexuality in a spiritual way – both individually and in a relationship?
Kendal: There are two first steps.
Learn to breathe. Breath is not only the essence of our soul but in learning how to properly breathe you will gain great insight into yourself, as well as have the most powerful step toward connecting, maintaining and controlling your life force energy. In our breath we can connect our spirits and travel up the spiritual ladder to heaven, we can expand our orgasmic state out into the world and fill our physical bodies with a sustainable energy that will carry us for days. Breath is the gateway to higher consciousness and sex that can heal and transform us as well as our world.
The second step is:
Have more sex. Really get properly sexed open every day if you can. Single or in a relationship take the time each day to have an orgasm and when you do come, breathe it in and allow it to fill your body, relax your muscles instead of tensing up and envision in your minds eye what you want to create. Consciously surrender into this state of pleasure with the feeling, vision and desire of the life you want to have.
Are you willing to do what it takes to have the relationship of your dreams?
There are essentially 3 kinds of relationships: Traditional, Conscious, and Transcendent. Each serves it’s own purpose. Take a look at the descriptions below and ask yourself what kind of relationship you’re in and what kind of relationship you would like to be in. Remember, some people can’t or don’t want to do the necessary work too get to the next level. Are you willing to do what it takes to have the relationship of your dreams?
LEVEL 1: TRADITIONAL RELATIONSHIP
This is the most familiar dynamic found in traditional marriages and relationships. The focus is on shared interests and values rather than personal growth. In Traditional Relationships neither person has done the necessary psychological or spiritual work to bond either with themselves or another. This means that the couple connects at the personality rather than the emotional and spiritual levels. When two people relate from the personality or “I” level, the individual’s focus remains on him or herself rather than on the other. Each person is primarily focused on getting his or her own needs met which prevents the “we” of the relationship from forming. As a result these relationships often become stagnant and power struggles occur frequently. To remain together, partners in Traditional Relationships avoid looking at key issues, pretending they don’t exist. Many couples feel safe and secure in a Traditional Relationship. It is all they ever want or need and they can remain at this level forever. These couples will not naturally progress to the next two levels of relationship. Traditional Relationships end when one partner embarks on his or her psychospiritual journey and it becomes impossible to continue growing while remaining in the relationship.
LEVEL 2: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP
When soul mates come together they join in Conscious Relationship. Soul mates are those who relate from the soul level. Though many seek a soul mate, the requirement for this kind of relationship is that both people must have done some psychological and spiritual work prior to meeting in order to relate soul to soul. In Conscious Relationships the focus is on emotional and spiritual growth both as individuals and as a couple. Those in Conscious Relationships are engaged in learning lessons. Their goal is to transcend the physical and emotional levels to the spiritual plane. As they actively work through issues together, Conscious Couples are increasingly able to lean in and trust one another to create the “we” of the relationship. One of the great challenges of Conscious Relationships is that they are transitioning from an I-based to a we-based relationship as they learn not only to work on their own individual issues but also as they learn to apply what they learn to the relationship as a whole. As this happens, power struggles occur. Though profound, Conscious Relationships but do not necessarily last forever. They might end when both partners are no longer able to grow together or when one person does not meet the other person’s Essential Needs. Just because people are Conscious Partners does not mean that they can automatically fulfill the other person’s requirements. Reaching the level of Conscious Partnership is a significant accomplishment and can lead to nourishing and lasting relationship.
LEVEL 3: TRANSCENDENT RELATIONSHIP
Not everyone wants to do the work to reach this third. Transcendent Partners love one another unconditionally. They are “guardians of each others souls.” Because Transcendent Partners have mastered the art of taking personal responsibility, they generate their identity, happiness and emotional stability from within and there is no fear of losing themselves in the relationship. With such a strong sense of their individual selves, Transcendent Partners can fully surrender to the “we” of the relationship, forming a union where the individual is not lost and the whole is profoundly greater than the sum of its parts. Skilled in unconditional acceptance, power struggles rarely occur. Transcendent Partners fully support each other in going for their dreams. They live in truth and can share anything without fear of shame or blame. Transcendent Partners relate at the spiritual level and have evolved beyond the need to work at the relationship. Both partners are guided not by outer but by inner forces and by each other. Knowing that what they have together is enough, Transcendent Partners are content and can commit to one another for life. Transcendent Partnership is focused in gratitude and on giving back to society. There are few models in our society for this type of partnership. Conscious Partners can and do evolve into Transcendent Partnership when both people do their individual work. You have not failed if you achieve a Traditional or Conscious Relationship. Transcendent Partnership is not and should not be for everyone.
The elusive female orgasm, what is it and how many types are there? For many years and still in some views women don’t have orgasms. EVER! Yet the majority of the world has come to the reality that like men, women are sexual beings whom enjoy orgasms. Matter a fact women are blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms (waves) and it is uncertain as to just how many types of orgasm a woman can actually experience. I am going to cover the three main types of female orgasm here and give a brief summary of the other eight that are most taught in Tantric Therapy. As well as a peek at the two most powerful Orgasms that are highly sought after and needed for female health.
In today’s time many women claim not to have vaginal orgasms and this is very possible because of the blocked trauma that is preventing them of doing such. However ALL women are able to have vaginal orgasms once their physical, mental and emotional bodies are healed and united. Indeed, this type of orgasm can be tricky to achieve. For multiple reasons, one being, the vagina is not exactly optimally designed for maximum orgasmic potential — most of the sensations are felt in the first (outer) third of the vagina. Unlike a man’s penis that is sensitive all over the shaft area the internal cavities of the vagina are not. Unless proper healing and body/mind/emotion connection has been harmonized allowing for optimum sensation on the walls of the vagina. Experts and researchers such as Barbara Keesling have discussed the pleasure potential of the “cul-de-sac” — an area at the back of the vaginal canal, just behind where the cervix enters the vagina. Women can experience very intense orgasms with stimulation here. Some refer to this as “the X-spot. This area of the vagina near and on the cervix is very sensitive for the majority of women. However some are “numb” at the cervix area. Any woman who has had her lover press deep into her and push on her cervix most likely knows what this can feel like. For most women that have experienced some sort of traumatic, emotional experience(s) in their lifetime however, this feeling may not be pleasurable AT ALL. Instead it may feel like a dagger and the pain from the pressure may well up tears, cause instant anger, fear, anxiety and indeed a longing to stop whatever sexing is happening in that moment. Weather a woman feels this sort of pain or numbness while having the cervix massaged does not matter other then it shows that there is great healing of the cervix that needs to happen. Once a cervix is healthy and these negative traumatic blockages are released from the cellular tissue, a woman can experience endless, powerful, full body orgasms. The orgasms that come from the cervix are like no other, they carry with them a depth of soul, emotion and physical power that it is hard to describe. One must experience to understand.
Fact: In actuality, when most people talk about a vaginal orgasm, they are more specifically referring to a G-Spot orgasm.
For something so small, the G-spot has certainly managed to make its way to center stage in woman’s sexuality — and as with anything that is in the lime light it has stirred up more than its share of controversy. Some people don’t believe it exists at all, while others swear by its ability to produce unparalleled pleasure.
The G-Spot is a small area within the upper wall of the vagina, about one to two inches from the opening. With insertion of a finger you may feel this small area that has a rougher, almost chicken skin texture on the outer skin feel to it just past the urethral sponge. To assist you in finding it you can press with the inserted finger upward while connecting your thumb to the clitoris and acting as though you are pressing the two fingers together. Not all G-spots are in the exact same location however, somewhere within this region you will discover with present soft touching the G-spot. When a partner is looking for this spot pay close attention to your lover, she will certainly feel when you press on it. Some women have the ability to reach orgasm through direct stimulation of the G-Spot or gentle massage of the area. When the G-Spot is stimulated, the woman will often feel as if she has the urge to urinate. And, in fact, during a G-Spot orgasm, many women will mistakenly believe they have accidentally urinated. This is because a G-Spot orgasm is notable because it is usually accompanied by a lot of fluid. This is generally referred to as “female ejaculation.” Yet, the fluid is released from the urethral sponge area. When the G-spot is being massaged the sponge normally is massaged as well. Both of these areas can start out very small and even hard to find in some women, but once stimulated they can expand and grow to taking up a much larger part of the internal vaginal wall.
The same applies to the G-spot that was mentioned with cervix. When a woman has experienced traumatic experiences in her life time, may that be sexual abuse, abandonment, deep fears, loss of loved ones, physical/mental abuse, child birth or other events that can cause trauma to lock up in the cellular tissues, the G-spot as well as the Urethral sponge, cervix and/or clitoris can become overly sensitive and painful to the touch or dull and numb. Either of these reactions is a sign of needed healing and release of these stored traumas.
Once healed properly this elusive yet magical place in a woman’s body can bring great pleasure and fulfillment in lovemaking.
The clitoral orgasm is generally viewed as the easiest type of orgasm for a woman to achieve which is why it’s the fixation of both men and women in “getting her, her’s first” idea. Some women also deem it the most pleasurable, but other women who experience G-spot orgasm, cervical, or whole-body orgasm may disagree with that. In fact, many women believe that they are unable to achieve orgasm unless the clitoris is stimulated, even if this occurs only indirectly by way of friction from intercourse. However, this is often because, with most sexual encounters, women don’t get enough time to awaken their vaginas and the sensitive spots internally to experience orgasm through stimulation of them. If lovemaking was slowed down and extended long enough too really, REALLY arouse a woman before penetration, it is a safe to say that lots more women would be experiencing more than clitoral orgasm. As well as the healing needed that has been covered in other orgasm types. This too is the case with the clitoris. It is important to note that the clit can become over sensitive very easily and once this happens pleasure quickly becomes irritation and pain, killing a women’s hunger for sex. Similar to the tip of a man’s penis the clitoris can become desensitized as well. This happens from too much extended massaging or friction. Many women and men have been programmed to believe that rough is good on the clit, yet as with the case for everything, each woman’s clit is different. Not just different from other women but different in sensation moment to moment. It’s important to pay close attention and keep open communication flowing when in all of your sexing.
Even in self-pleasuring the majority of women focus on clitoral stimulation as to bring themselves to orgasm because they have learned that this is often the quickest and most effective route. However, the speed training of the body to expand into orgasm is not allowing for full sexuality to unfold and the liberation that can be experienced through orgasm is side stepped because we have lost an appreciation for slow, deep loving and sexing in our lives. Causing the majority of the relationship, emotional, and even psychological issues that many deal with today. This quick to orgasm societal habit that has formed contributes to anxiety, stress, depression, poor health and blocked trauma.
This orgasm is achieved by stimulating a small spot which contains sensitive erectile tissue directly above and on either side of the urethral opening.
To achieve orgasm here and heighten all sexual stimulation insert a single finger into the anal canal by about ½ to 1 inch, no deeper than your first knuckle. Then gently press this finger against a finger or two that has been inserted into the vagina at the same distance, begin gentle massaging while pressing these two areas together. Some women do enjoy full penetration anally, orgasm can achieved this way if a woman is first sexually stimulated and fully relaxed. She must trust her partner deeply so that her body can move past the initale discomfort and into the pleasure. Anal sexing is a slow moving, deeply emotional event and must be regarded with honor and care as to not further cause any trauma to the woman.
This orgasm is achieved by stimulating about ¾ of an inch deep in the front wall of the vagina. This area of the vagina is extremely sensitive and as blood rushes to it it becomes even more so. Often this area is over looked because penetration happens so quickly.
Deep Spot Orgasm
This area is located deep in the vagina just before the cervix. It is the deepest back wall of the vagina. This area may be numb or over sensitive if a woman has block trauma however. Massaging of this area and clearing at the cellular level can help induce powerful orgasms.
Some woman can reach orgasm by the stimulation of their breasts. Soft sensual touching, kissing, pinching and even a nursing action can bring some women to orgasm and is a great way to increase pleasure in foreplay or lovemaking. But again, watch for over stimulation.
Some women are extremely sensitive in their mouths can achieve orgasm while kissing or receiving/giving oral sex. The extra saliva formation that happens as arousal kicks up adds to the sensitive internal areas of the mouth as well as the lips. The direct mental link between mouth and genitals can be intense for some.
Some women can reach orgasm at the touch of their skin. Perhaps this is good reason many ancient sexual practices focus on massage and bodywork.
Some women can reach orgasm during auditory or visual stimulation, such as watching a movie, reading erotic literature or watching others having sex. This orgasm happens without any physical stimulation.
Two other BIG Orgasm Types for women that SHOULD NOT go unspoken of are Full Body and Emotional Orgasms. Both of these happen from a blending of the above mentioned orgasms and can only be achieved if sex is approached from a slow fashion and certain levels of healing has happened allowing for a woman to open into herself and trust in her partner to level needed that the orgasmic energy can dance throughout her chakra system and manifest as a full body or emotional orgasm.
Vaginal pain is the number one reason why marriages are unconsummated, but treating and healing this condition is possible. Tinamarie discusses this all-to-common problem and reveals publically for the first time her experiences with a sexually debilitating condition.
Closed for Pleasure
I Heart My Vagina
The scariest part of that journey was acknowledging that my body knew something long before I did — my relationship was toxic. Fear and resentment were the wrong bedfellows for any viable marriage, though these two had taken up residence before VV came knocking on the door. Spiritually speaking, I was bankrupt, and if my brain refused to acknowledge the obvious, my hooch was keen on setting the record straight. Move on, my dear, she was saying, to loving pastures.
Putting Pussy First
It sounds cliché yet it’s true. Vulvar vestibulitis launched my erotic journey from sexual starvation to satisfaction. Listening to what my body was aching for helped me rediscover how important a robust sexuality is to emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Against the backdrop of a culture that thrusts sex upon us, and glorifies physicality at the expense sometimes of real intimacy, VV helped me connect my primal needs with sacred sensuality.