I have too many tabs open.
I cannot compute any longer.
My breaker box is on overload and it’s causing me to numb out.
Just this morning I was explaining to my lover that I am a person who does not do well with a bunch of unfinished projects just sitting around. It causes me stress and if I cannot get them completed by myself, if they are out of my control then I end up numbing myself out to them and thus to life.
I love dreaming things into reality.
There is no better feeling than to witness the birth of a dream being realized.
I love seeing things being built.
watching the walls of a project go up and picking out all the little details to make it my own.
I love seeing something come into reality.
It feels good.
It feels fulfilling.
It has a certain charge to it.
And it makes you want to explore more,
dream more, feel more, witness more.
But when you get too many tabs open,
you end up with chaos.
And I don’t know about you but when my outside world has too many projects to complete and I look around,
I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
I don’t know where to start and I start to doubt myself.
All my self sabotage programs come up and I start to hear the roar of you are not good enough, there is not enough of you to go around, get your shit together, you are messy, you are scattered, you are lost.
And to a degree these programs are damn f-cking correct.
I am feeling chaotic, lost and like there is not enough of me to go around.
And so, I turn myself off to feeling it.
These thoughts create a mindset that I know at my core will not do me any favors, so it is best to just disconnect from them. Shut that shit down or go into a panic or a rage about the mess of life.
My head in these times gets so overloaded with thoughts and my internal check list is longer than you can imagine.
So I attempt to shut it all down and turn away from it.
But there is a mighty big issue with this attitude that I am prone to.
You see you don’t get to just shut down one feeling.
or one thought line.
You don’t get to just turn away from this one thing,
or detach from it and look another direction without the same distancing happening there too.
That background thought processor is on overdrive and it’s running crazy.
The checklist is flashing warning lights at you when you close your eyes.
And you wake up and what are you greeted with?
All the tabs that you left open that were draining your energy even though you closed the lid to the computer to let it rest.
Closing the lid, or detaching yourself from the list of chaos that is causing you overwhelm and anxiety can work in short spurts IF…
IF you open back up shortly thereafter and get the shit taken care of.
But if you just bounce from project to project ( tab to tab)
and never finish it up you drain yourself and never allow yourself to shut fully down to recharge.
In this case recharging means,
projects complete to you can be PRESENT in the moment with whatever you are doing to relax, to step away, to charge yourself.
This includes your sex life,
playful events, dates, experiences and just chilling with the family or friends.
Lately, I have noticed that I have too many tabs open.
And it’s causing me to numb out to everything because I am burned out mentally and emotionally with things.
I am starting to feel the spin of constant thoughts that won’t leave me to rest no matter what I try to do to step away and give myself a break.
My mind is on hyper drive.
And without rest I am having trouble being present in my life,
in my sex, in my work, in my daily yoga or just watching a movie.
This lack of presence and hyperdrive of thoughts has the nasty effect of stunting desire.
And leaves you with a feeling of, “I am bored.”
And when you are bored and desireless,
you don’t have much motivation,
much turn on for life or love or creation,
you don’t really care because caring would start up those engines of anxiety and overwhelm and your tank is empty to why bother.
So hands go up to the heaven,
you drop to your knees,
leane back on the floor and say….
Too many tabs open.
It’s not a great space.
But right now in our world, I believe that many of us are feeling this way. We have been busy entertaining ourselves with home repairs, projects galore, picking up extra work, etc, etc,
and we have been more aware of all the spots in our life that we are not satisfied, that perhaps we feel blaise, or that we are just settling, just getting by.
Our souls are not designed for blaise or getting by.
We were not born with the desire to settle in life.
We are all creators.
We are all born to LIVE.
So what is the answer to, too many tabs open and what it causes in the long haul?
Close the effing tabs!
Deal with your shit.
and then allow yourself a reboot.
Give your mental, emotional and physical bodies a break.
It does not take long to recharge,
but if you keep those tabs open and just go through the motions of taking a break then you are doing yourself a disservice.
Today I encourage you to take things off your mental list by delegating, writing it down and hiring out what you can. Looking at what you actually need to get done and what you “think” you need to get done and letting go of anything that is causing you mental or emotional stress that is NOT NEEDED.
Then DO THE DAMN THINGS that will clear your tabs.
Once that’s done, go find humor.
Go find play.
And make your work be about being present in your body.
You have not allowed yourself to embody yourself all this time because your internal space was taken up with chaos and overwhelm, but now you can.
Give yourself permission to breathe into YOU.
You are worthy of THRIVING.
Stop Existing & Start Living
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