The universe is using you.
Yes you read that right.
The universe is using you.
You could say God is using you even.
But what are these forces greater than you using you for?
And I am not talking about making babies.
I am talking about making life, yes…
but not not babies.
The universe is using you to experience life.
To experience creation.
To create and to expand.
If you are not expanding then the universe is not expanding.
Therefore, you are always expanding.
And you do this through pain and pleasure.
You get to choose though how you expand.
You get to open yourself to the expansion and have the universe penetrate you in one of these ways.
When we struggle,
when we feel anxiety and great resistance to the good things that life has to offer us,
we are choosing pain over pleasure.
But the pain is not a bad thing,
it is not comfortable for sure to be in a state of pain and struggle, but it is not a bad thing because it creates desire.
And in the birthing of our desires we expand.
Desire for something more,
something better and grander,
is what we are here for.
That desire is what breeds life to happen.
That desire is what stokes our creative fires and gets us moving.
That desire is what ignites us to let go of our pain.
And when we let go of our pain and struggle,
when we realize that we have always had it,
that whatever we desire is already with us,
and that we are worthy of it,
our letting go of the pain is us letting go of the resistance to having that, that we want for.
Did you catch that?
You are not getting what you want in your life because you are not letting go of the pain of not having it.
So you are resisting having what you want.
You are applying your power, your ability to manifest to not having your desired outcome.
And therefore, that is what is given to you.
But with that resistance you expand your desire and hunger for what you are wanting for, giving it more power.
Creating more momentum.
The universe is there supporting your expansion in desire to create.
To birth this desire into play.
And to enjoy it.
And you will have it once you get your belief that you can have it on board with your desire to have it.
By doing this you become aligned.
And in getting aligned you receive it,
But the belief is shown from your ability to let go of the struggle, the fear, the anxiety, the worry, the pain.
Can you put it all down and look at your right now,
see the blessings and the joy of the right now,
no matter how small they may be?
Can you feel good right now by thinking a thought that opens your heart to love or to beauty?
Can you slow down right now enough to loosen your grip on the idea that you are sinking so that you can float?
This is what it takes.
This is what it requires for you to have the life and desires that you are wanting for.
And by letting go,
the universe will move through you with great momentum and miracles will occur.
You get to choose how long it takes to create your desired life.
You get to choose what you have in this life of yours.
You get to choose how abundant you are in love, in money and wellbeing.
You are such a powerful love.
It is true that when you ask it is given.
Your only job is to let go of the reigns of fear.
Are you ready to step on the gas in manifesting the life that you want for?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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Some moments seem too hard to breathe through.
NOTHING without my attachment to it.
These are our opportunities for GREATNESS.
It has been two weeks since the last Naked Musing and I am sure that some are wondering what the news is with me. As you can see from the banner photo chosen for this week and the one to the left, sweet little Gabriel Jon has made his arrival. (You may view the whole album HERE He was born on May 31st @ 10:05PM and was 9 lbs. 5 oz.. 21 inches long. It was a beautiful labour and birth. I must admit that out of my six births that his was INCREDIBLE. It was the first time that I got to experience birth from a point of 100% natural. No medications, no inducing, no nothing that the Creator did not intend. I also was blessed to have a water-birth at the Allen Birthing Center and was able to enjoy this miracle event with my partner and my three daughters. Such a powerful, healing and heart shattering moment in life.
After the labour in following days, many discussions between my girls and I came up. The education and deep connection between our female soul journeys was brought to a high point in the birth of their little brother. It allowed for me to share a part of our human existence with them that many young people NEVER get a first hands account of. Yes, we are shown movies in health class, told what such events are like and see Hollywood’s depiction in movies but nothing can ever make up for what the real event is like. The energy in the room as a little being is being birthed and taking his/her first breath of life outside the womb is incomparable to anything else. The incredible heightened energy between mother and father as they connect and keep focus throughout contractions and the sounds that clear through our throat chakra as women as we work with nature and our bodies brings us to a state of awe. As one of my daughters said, “Mom, you did not scream or do anything like the movies show. It sounded more like an orgasmic moan with each of your contractions.” And this is true for my experience. There were moments in the end of labour where I would say I entered the state of Satori even.
A few months ago I wrote a Naked Musing titled Orgasmic Womb-man Hood where I shared a concept about pain and suffering and how we can turn such “painful” events into Orgasm. One such event that science is looking into is labour. It is shown that 21% of women during birth experience orgasm. What is the cause for this bliss to manifest from something that we are taught is the most physically painful event of life. I am confident that if the survey went deeper into the rabbit hole of this phenomenon that we would discover that is somewhere around the same percentage of women that decide to experience labour and birth NATURALLY.
In our world today we are told to crave the bliss, desire the highs but avoid the lows. We are told that painful events are “bad” or wrong and that we should mask the feelings of these events with things that numb us or bring us a false sense of pleasure. What we are not told is that you cannot walk through this life avoiding all the perceived pain and not get a whiplash effect from the masking. Every time we choose to block out the pain of our lives we prevent our mind, body and soul from full expression, experience and rapture. We prevent ourselves from LIVING, yet living and connecting to life is what we are all searching for.
**I encourage each who reads this note to STOP the insanity of masking, dig deep into your beautiful being and find that courage to LIVE, free, unbound and fully expressed**.
So how does one go about living free, unbound and fully expressed?
While there may not be a verifiable “epidemic” of performance anxiety, many people are unhappy in their sexual lives because they worry that they are not doing it right. They feel inadequate and unsure of themselves, and somehow sex isn’t so much fun anymore. (note: we’re speaking here primarily of heterosexual sexuality, though the basic approach also applies to same-sex lovemaking)
In fact, while worrying about whether your sexual performance is satisfactory, meeting up with your lover for sex can come to seem like just another household chore, or perhaps some kind of final exam, which you could flunk!
This pervasive sense of doubt about your sexual performance has a further insidious effect: it makes your performance worse. When you are worrying about how you are doing, you’re not in the moment. You’re not enjoying your partner’s touch or the pleasures of touching him or her. The thoughts are whirring around in your head: will I keep my erection? Can I get turned on enough for him? Am I moving OK? What is he thinking about my body (OMG I’m fat)? Can I make him (her) come?
These thoughts are highly distressing, and distract you from the pleasures of the moment. Just a reminder: sex is (supposed to be) fun and pleasurable. Making love should be much more like play than work.Being a great lover does not depend upon hitting some kind of performance targets.
Part of what makes this so difficult is our cultural myopia about sexuality and making love. We partake of these cultural notions through osmosis, from media depictions of sexuality, overheard conversations and adolescent fantasies. Unfortunately, much of it is not accurate!
These cultural assumptions are simplistic, condensing the rich tapestry of adult sexual possibility to a few bullet points:
- Sex equals penis-in-vagina intercourse;
- This necessarily requires an erection for the male, and automatic lubrication for the female; and
- It doesn’t really count unless both partners experience an orgasm.
Note that each of these steps indicates an expectation for the targeted behavior: this is where performance anxiety begins. What if I can’t have sex because of pain? What if I can’t keep an erection? What if I can’t make my partner have an orgasm? What if I don’t have an orgasm?
This is a tangled web. These expectations lead to worry about performance, which degrades performance and stifles enjoyment, resulting in unhappy lovers who don’t feel good about themselves.
There’s a better way to find satisfying, enjoyable and exciting sex with your Beloved. It begins with an honest acknowledgement that things aren’t going well, and a strong affirmation that you want to work together to create a more satisfying sexual relationship.
Since these cultural expectations about sex have contributed to the performance anxiety, you’re going to need a new framework so you can explore and express your sexual desires together without going to the anxious place.
Rather than stress about whether you are achieving the “milestones” of erection/lubrication, intercourse and orgasm it changes everything if you limit your focus to the giving and receiving of pleasure. Pleasure is a sensory experience, denoted by sensations of deliciousness in taste; good feelings in the nerve endings that sense pleasurable touch; the sweetness of special smells; the experience of harmony or melodiousness in sounds; the perception of visual beauty.
You don’t have to think about whether a particular sensation is pleasurable or not – you know it, in the bodily experience of a favorite food, sensual touch, a beloved song, an encounter with beauty. So it’s simply a matter of trusting your perceptions. If it feels good, it’s pleasurable. Our bodies are set up to perceive pleasure, with millions of specialized nerve endings devoted to this mission.
Making love consists primarily of giving and receiving pleasure – through word and gesture, through sound and sight and taste and touch. When you let go of the performance hurdles and deadlines and relax into playing together with pleasure, it is easy to relax into the moments which blur into timelessness.
But wait! What about orgasm/intercourse/getting off! I don’t want to miss anything!
Arousal, desire and direct sexual stimulation which may lead to the explosive pleasure of orgasm – all can be yours easily and directly, through this relaxed approach. Rather than straining to try to achieve orgasm, holding your breath and tensing all your muscles to try to make it happen, why not relax and allow your body to experience the natural progression of pleasure?
It takes practice to let go of a habitual anxious approach to sex. The desire for a quick fix is just another expression of performance anxiety, just another deadline you’re not going to make.
Optimal sexual experience occurs when partners care for each other, communicate about what they are doing together, and when they are relaxed. Relaxation is the foundation of healthy sex. Give yourself and your partner the gift of relaxing as you make love. Allow yourself to simply pay attention to and luxuriate in the pleasurable sensations you are experiencing, without attempting to go anywhere. Let delight wash over you; play with your partner, gently pleasuring him or her. Be curious and playful as you explore the erotic playground of your loving connection.
READ MORE Articles from David Yarian at Joy of Making Love
I met a pleasure based psychotherapist recently. When Janov’s Primal Therapy came along I seem to recall that he said that a therapist was a dealer in pain. So is therapy about pleasure or pain and trauma?
Nobody would go to a therapist to talk about how happy they were or what a great childhood they had; but it is one of the more interesting questions in therapy the extent to which we have to go in to past pain and trauma to clear it out. In our culture we have the “no pain, no gain” school of development. A deeply Puritan culture like the British is very suspicious of happiness. I can lead straight in to the arms of The Devil. In most therapies, both humanistic and analytic happiness could well be covering something up; even a manic defence against deep sadness. Of course this can be true but it is also true that many defences, particularly somatic ones, tend to block access to all deep emotions; pain as well as joy. This is simply because all strong emotions and body sensations are close together in their emotional anatomy and neurology. On a fairground roller-coaster the riders play with the edge between fear and excitement; screaming with fear as the car descends and then cuing up for another go! A father playing with a young child may throw them up in the air and catch them giving squeals of joy, excitement, fear overcome by return to safety. Deep sobbing and deep belly laughter are quite similar to observe from the outside. In the intense autonomic activation of orgasm, pleasure and crying can come together. Those in to BDSM are experts on the edge between pleasure and pain and how both can lead to altered states of consciousness.
Many therapies are very interested in trauma; particularly if that term is extended from single incident events such as an accident, or act of abuse or death of someone to include developmental trauma such as having a depressed mother when there would be many occasions when the required empathic attunement and care-giving weren’t there. In the past going into the pain was seen as the only way. Now with modern energy psychology methods such as AIT(www.aitherapy.org) that I practice this is known not to be necessary. Just naming the trauma and finding the location in the body is often enough to clear it.
So as we block pleasure and pain, when a client comes in for a session reporting that they feel good. Unless I am very suspicious of this, I will only want to move feeling good to feeling fantastic. There has been more attention recently to positive psychology and to the concept of Flow, (from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi); a state of being where we are not divided and distracted but fully engaged in life at that moment.
So while I will try as a therapist to stay fairly divided in my attention between pain and pleasure. I have a growing sense that working with pleasure and how to expand it and deepen it within our bodies and our neurology is a powerful way forward. This forms a large part of my book Tantric Psychotherapy that I am working on at the moment (see www.tantricpsychotherapy.com )
Martin is London based psychotherapist
READ More from Martin HERE
I have worked for nearly 30 years a psychotherapist and counsellor and supervisor. In private practice and in training courses, for a university and now for the police.