Throwing my almost naked body down on the bed, hair still wet from the shower I feel frustration, rage and sadness fighting with each other for their turn on my internal microphone. Tears rolling down my cheeks unstoppable…
“Girl, pull yourself together, “I say softly but firmly out loud to myself.
Moments before I stood in front of a mirror unable to even see myself. Ego had cast its ugly veil over my eyes. Unconscious of the very acts my physical body had made I found myself trapped in a vicious cyclone of thoughts. The internal witness finding herself running away with ego quick in toe. The witness becoming out of breath, fearful of being trampled and swallowed up by Satan (ego). Looking over witness’s shoulder one may see ego in rage, tears pouring down, yelling out remberences of negative events from a time gone by. As ego chases, the distance between lessons. Here and there ego grabs one trash bag after another full of past regrets, pains, traumas, and broken promises and lost hope. How is it possible for ego to carry and drag all this dark garbage and yet still gain on witness who runs toward the light of restriction?
Welcome to the land of ego!
And even better welcome to land of the female ego.
The disgusting swamp land of a woman’s rage is no place to hang out. It is a well of utter misery and any man who has ever tried to swim in these waters knows that it does not end good. Yet our husbands, beloveds, boyfriends and lovers even son’s or fathers sometimes try to logically ‘fix’ what we well divers do not want fixed. We understand that it is like having the anti-Christ in our kitchen yelling at us. Our irrational ego’s manifest destruction as we are forced to sit by the side lines and watch our love being shattered like a mirror.
Each moment our ego has control of our steering wheel we find ourselves thrown around another painful corner of memory. Unable to stop. This may appear as insanity to our men, it may appear as though we are ungrateful or truly unhappy. Some may actually believe we need medicine for our crazy spells. Amazingly none of this is true. Plates may be flying, fists pounding, breath gasping and hurtful words crossing our lips but if we are present enough in our spirit, we recognize that we are actually only truly fearful of opening up to love. We are scared of our own hearts and the path that they are presenting. Our constriction of self-love allows the deception of ego to pass over the threshold of our mind, body, soul connection.
David Deida would say, “If you open as you are now, a spacious and tender love abides, — the openness that is feeling — even if your body aches or your lover has spurned you. If you close now, turning in on yourself in an effort to avoid exposure, then you suffer your own separative cramp, even if you are surrounded by love.”
This separation causes a ripple effect in our lives. Sometimes the ripples last moments and sometimes they last life times. Some ripples are so strong that they rip apart our relationships and cause wounds that fester within our energetic fields. Should the internal witness be able to out run Satan (the ego) and find sanctuary in the light of restriction then we find ourselves turning to a new place within. One that many rarely walk in, we may feel we walk in this green pasture of restriction often but more than likely we are truly suppressing our feelings and actually not restricting our ego. If this is the case we will “feel” a nagging feeling in the pit of our stomach, a heavy sensation in our chest or even a hammer pounding in our heads. When we suppress what we are feeling instead of opening into the feeling and accepting it fully as us while restricting our ego response we again cause the ripple effect of separation, thus causing a volcanic eruption of misery to fall on us another day.
Now men have this same event happening to them, the main difference between the male ego and a female is this: WE WOMEN LOVE OUR LUGGAGE! Therefore we always make sure to have plenty of suitcases. All shapes and sizes. We are not good at parting with our hope chests or our scrapbooks.
I mean think about it, have you ever traveled with a woman who came unprepared for anything? How many pairs of shoes does one need for a two day trip anyway? LOL
Our internal luggage is the same! And we always have a few empty bags stashed somewhere just for YOU! And YOU… and YOU too!
On top of that we are very systematic about our packing. We organize our emotions and thoughts like we do our suitcases. Perhaps we pack each possible outfit needed as though we were getting ready to put it on or we make sure to keep all our panties over here, our shirts here and skirts/pants over there. Even a messy packer has a system to their madness…
Men, well they may pack better in some cases but they NEVER plan for all possibilities. They are more like a streamlined filing system. Only keep a hardcopy of what is absolutely necessary and even of that only keeping the cliff-notes version.
So when the ego of man and woman meet on the dance floor, you can always bet that the woman has her purse with her!
How do the sex’s deal with this bitch called EGO?
First it is up to man to have the courage, the balls to stand in the fire of woman. Then he must be willing to see her in love even when she is being hateful and ugly. If he manages to do this, he must then guard himself from himself. From what he believes is himself, that is. He must recognize and restrict his actions and words when they are coming from the dark-side. He must breathe into his belly and feel from his heart. Often woman will take this moment to test her man, she will probe him like he is her personal science specimen. She will open a suitcase or two or three and see what she can dig up on him. She will attack with minor forces at first and slowly pull in the big guns. A man has to know this. He has to know that his cliff-notes version does not hold a candle to her library. The male ego does not like this, but in these times your heart center, your love for her has to mean more then the attempt on the battle field. If you fall prey to her attacks you will run the risk of depolarizing your relationship in some way. Although it may seem minor at first this depolarization of the masculine/feminine will grow and in the end you will lose intimacy and connection. Perhaps forever!
As women, we must recognize our ego and how it is using our thoughts to create our emotions. How it is playing a movie with a bad ending for our personal misery in these moments. We may feel supported in our actions and words by our ego and the recognition of these repetitive cycles we are seeing in our man, but if we can STOP right here (even if our mouths are still moving), if we can stop our spirit from drinking the kool-aide of ego and pause, then we can allow space to form. When we allow space to form we allow our internal witness to move in. This witness (that man and woman both have, i.e. soul or true self/consciousness) can see the real lesson of the event unfolding. Our consciousness will be able to slowly restrict back ego and see the illusions that ego has painted for just that. Illusions.
When man and woman come into this new space of consciousness they naturally awaken to a deeper level of love. They allow themselves to be vulnerable, to fully feel what they are feeling and to not take each other so seriously. It is possible to have what might seem a nasty verbal fight in ego and have both parties consciously witnessing the drama play out but not attach to anything being said or even felt. Similar to going to the movies.
Through recognition, pausing and restriction we again find unconditional love for each other and for ourselves.
The ego may be a bitch but she has purpose in the school of life!
She is here to test our love for self and to be the coach we desperately need to strengthen our light forces. But much like anything that can accumulate too much power, she must NEVER be handed the golden key to our city gates.