I am just NOT a F*ck YES to you…

There he was. He was perfect too. The perfect man.

His smile, the glimmer in his eye’s, the way he stood.

That voice. OMFG! That voice.

Everything about him was my hearts desire.

He had the characteristic’s physically, mentally, spiritually and what seemed like even emotionally that I craved. And he was financially free enough to do what he wanted in life as well.

Every woman’s dream man.

I looked at him and my groins would quack with hunger and enthusiasm.

I knew it was meant to be.

There was only one small problem with him.

He just was not that into me. We were friends, we flirted, we teased, we argued even some. He really seemed to “get me” and I felt so comfortable and seen by him, however when it came down to my desire to move things into a deeper intimacy and change up the relationship, he would suddenly go distant and become very busy. He would not commit to suggestions and ideas about things I had that we could do together and it left me constantly questioning how much he really cared or what I had done wrong.

Then as time went on and I allowed some distance to form, like magic he would resurface somehow and we would pick up right where we left off and all those juicy, yummie feelings would flood back into my heart and body and  I would get amnesia about the disconnect that I had just recently experienced with him.

It did not matter though, because he was here with me now.

He was smiling at me, getting me to laugh and I felt like I was on top of the world.  But I was not on top of the world, I was on a merry go round with this man and my heart and the truth.

The reality was that he did not share the desire, the feelings and emotions that I did. He enjoyed our time together but he knew that it was just what it was, a fun friendship. Good times. He knew at his core that I was not the girl for him, not now, not ever most likely as the feeling were simply not mutual.  As hard as that was for me to stomach, I could not change it no matter how I tried. I could have changed my body to fit his ideal, I could have started speaking and acting like the women he dated and was obviously “in to,” I could have completely let go of who I was in hopes of becoming “the one” that he would desire to be with. But, where would this lead me inevitably?

I would loose me in the process and still most likely not have him, and if I did manage to capture him it would not be real love or mutual authentic connection, turn on. It would be fake because I would be being fake.

So how happy could we really be in the long run?

Well, here is the hard cold facts ladies and gent’s and your most likely not going to want to hear it or accept it. Many people come to me and want help with their relationship, they want some magic bullet to make things go back to the way it use to be. They want the arousal, connection, depth, play, mystery and chemistry that they had the first 18 months to three years of their relationship. They want the sex that they use to have. The understanding. The love feelings that they use have. And the feeling of being desired.  Unfortunately, the main reason you felt that way in the beginning of your relationship was a little thing called “New Relationship Energy. (NRE)”

NRE is intoxicating until its not. Which happens to all of us and to all relationships no matter what the status or type of relationship it is. We get NRE when we have a baby and then our baby becomes a toddler and the NRE declines some with each fit the child has. We get NRE with our new job because we are excited about it possibilities and are hanging from the ceiling about all that we were sold on in this job until two years later the reality that we got passed by on promotion hits and that we are now panicked about annual reviews, our colleagues are chatting back stabbers and our boss is know it all.

No matter what the relationship is, and EVERYTHING is relationship NRE is at the front line of the start of something beautiful and when it starts to decline we feel life itself slipping away and we start to question if it is meant to be.

Well, guess what folks, this NRE also happens in “casual, friendship based” relationship or even “casual sex” relationships. It is there, it is the connecting tissue that keeps it hot, for a time.

With that said and to remain on topic in this post, the issue is that NOT ALL NRE is equal.

Much like my tale above, just because one person is feeling all that yummie NRE, does not mean that the other person is on board with it. More often than not, this is the case.  So we run around with our elementary school kid crush on our friend, colleague, or other in hopes that this feeling is mutual but in FACT, they just are not that f*cking into us. They are just not a F*ck YES to us.

Sad but true, just because we desire something does not always mean that it is meant to be.  At least not meant to be with this person.

What we need to learn from experiences like this is that when we get this crush on someone that this person is showing us characteristics of the person that we do truly want  to be and have in our lives. This person we are crushing on is teaching us what we should feel like all the time, opening up the door way to an aspect of ourselves where we are in alignment to our authentic self. Our radiant self, the self that we are often so fearful of showing to this world. If we look at this experience as a beautiful opportunity to tap further into ourselves and feel what it feels like to enjoy life and a moment like we do when we are in the company of these people who bless us with this desire for them then we can taste our truth.

Sample who we really are when we reveal ourselves fully.

If we choose to get caught up on creating a perfect sales pitch to get this person to see us differently, act differently or be with us more than what they desire then all we are doing is being caught in our own self-centered desires to control another’s heart for our own pleasure.

Where is the love in this act?

There is no love only lust. And lust will never lead anyone to truth.

It will only lead to suffering and failure.

My dear friend Crystal always says, ” Believe them when they first tell you who they are.” I am going to change that a tad here,

“Believe them the first time they tell you how they really feel about your relationship.”

You cannot change someone’s heart but you can honor in love where they are at and be in gratitude for the revealing of your own heart.

As always, STOP surviving and START living, you only have this life.

 

Extra Relationship Energy – By Janet Kira Lessin

1man2womenEarlier this month while Rose, my female lover, furiously rode my husband during a love-in, my body felt that old familiar pain in my gut and my heart once again. I silently collapsed in defeat. Jealousy! When will I ever be done with that ‘ol green-eyed monster?

“I can’t ever possibly compete with that,” I thought as I watched them, peeking between my fingers. “They’re so involved; so wild in their passion, they don’t even notice me and how miserable I feel!”

What chemistry do they experience when they feel that wildness, connection, joy? It looks like, but no, it couldn’t be could it? Could it be … NRE–new relationship energy?

Wait a minute here. My husband had been involved with Coyote and Rose for about 15 years! This was not a new relationship by any means. I met Sash, moved in with and married him. A month later, he introduced me to his lovers, Coyote and Rose. So, if anything, Sasha and I are the ones who possibly still have NRE, not Sasha and Rose!

But here it is, obviously, an energy that is still there for them after all these years.

I had been in two long-term monogamous relationships, 12 years each, spanning 24 years of MY adult life. I know how sexual excitement fades, how lovemaking becomes routine, stale, perhaps even boring. In those monogamous days of my life, I contemplated that “swingers” probably maintained the excitement in their love life by bringing that new, novel energy back home to their beds.

And what of my observations of Sasha and Rose, long, long time lovers? Their energy “felt” to me like NRE. I was jealous. Does he have something different with Rose and not with me-his wife, his buddy, his companion, his lover, his confidant? Perhaps there is a “key” here. What do they have together that Sasha and I don’t have?

Could they be so passionate because they don’t live together? Could it have something to do with the frequency of their encounters? And if there is a different energy for those who are infrequent lovers, perhaps we need to coin yet another phrase?

How about ERE? External Relationship Energy? Extraneous Relationship Energy? Extramarital Relationship Energy? Perhaps OPE: Outside Primary Energy?

Familiarity breeds contempt, doesn’t it? My husband and I counsel couples, triads and moresomes, so I’ve heard all the stories. I’ve also read hundreds of emails and had hundreds of emails, chats and instant messages from people bored with sex with their mates. Many complain “My wife (or husband) won’t make love with me anymore.” The neglected mate often goes out and cheats and feels justified for their actions. “We started out so passionate, so in love. What happened?”

What I think happens is we pent up resentments. Pent-up resentments create distance in our relationships. We always create resentments; we can’t help it. When we’re primary lovers with someone, we inevitably resent them.

We resent our lovers because we’re in the thrall of negative bonding patterns–repeated sour interactions fueled by our childhood conditioning. We react to our lovers as though they were our mothers, fathers or siblings.

We and our partners are imago mates, deeply imprinted, desired soul mates who complete each other, who give touch, sensitivity, intimacy and respect we still need but didn’t get (the way we wanted) from parents. The catch to lovers who could heal our hurts with parents is that our lovers could disappoint us again if they don’t do better than Mom and Dad. Our imago mates resemble our caretakers–not necessarily physically–but emotionally, psychologically and energetically.

Our imago mates mirror us, reflect our disowned subpersonalities, our inner voices. They show us disowned aspects of ourselves we need to use to center ourselves. They mirror underdeveloped parts of our humanity; they do this by what they do or how they are that we envy or hate.

Here’s how this operates for me and Sasha. He snaps at me because he’s scared ex-wife Joan will get our house. He’s upset by that but snaps at me. He morphs into an irritable father. I become withdrawn daughter, then angry mother. He reacts as rebel adolescent. We stick in a parent/adult/parent/adult vicious cycle till we center ourselves, apologize, reconnect and make love wholeheartedly again.

Sometimes partners find that though they forgave each other verbally, resentment lurks within and eventually kills sexual desire. They create internal scoring systems. She hits the “One Too Many Resentments” button and they separate.

We overcome our difficulties and survive in our relationships, react less to our lovers’ predicaments, and learn new ways to enrich ourselves by learning from our lovers. We learn, grow and appreciate our mates more. How do we prevent resenting the heck out of one another over time? How do we keep that passion of NRE or infrequent relationship alive in our primary pair bond?

I suffered jealousy for days; I ranted at Sasha. I penned a 7-page “hate” letter to Rose! (how dare she, that Bitch!). I analyzed my reactions with Sash and Rose when they came over. We’d focused on pleasing them and showing them a good time. But we lost feeling of being connected to each other. I resolved to return to Sasha during water and bathroom breaks. We’d bring each other the passion we’d just shared with our Rose and Coyote. We’d keep returning to each other. Sash enthusiastically agreed.

I keep communication lines wide open with Sash as loving, tactful and honest as I can. We stay orgasmic, follow our tantric practices twice daily, we can also enjoy sexual diversity and simultaneously keep linked to each other. Then we bring the electricity of other loves to each other.

Janet Kira Lessin: Original Post No Longer Available