Clarity and Space.

Clarity and space. 
Sometimes you just need one of these to get the other, 
and the other to get one. 

The thing we must acquire in life in order to manifest all that we desire and want is a feeling of satisfaction. 

How do we achieve this though?

Through clarity and space. 

I don’t know if you are anything like me, 
but I often find it difficult to ask for what I need. 
Not for what I want, 
but for what I need. 

There is a difference. 

I have a difficult time asking for what I need because I don’t want to be a bother to those I care for. 
I tend to mother all over everyone in my life and big sister the rest. 
Call it only child syndrome?
Or oldest daughter syndrome?

But I tend to find myself in moments where I am so full that there is no room for God to give me any more. 
I find myself in spaces where I can take on no more. 
My mental, emotional and even physical space is dangerously low. 

Kind of like my cell phone and computer like to tell me frequently about their space too. 
Hmmmm….. maybe that is the universe telling me something huh?

And the issue with being so full in life is that it is hard to have clarity. 

It is harder to find satisfaction with things. 
And it is even harder to manifest the things that you want because simply put….

there is no effing room for them!

Well, here is where I have been the last 90 days. 
OMFG!

I am so full. 
I feel like I have eaten Thanksgiving dinner in every breath I take. My body feels heavy. 
My energy feels stagnant. 
I am in a spiritual food coma. 

Or an abundance coma. 
Where things are now knocking at my door and then looking in and saying, oh no,
No….no….no….. 
you are a hoarder of all that energy. 

You hoard giving too much .
You hoard not saying no when you need to or want to. 
You hoard not asking for space. 
For time. 
For this or that. 

So, now you get to sit there and feel full. 
Oh, so full and unsatisfied. 

So like any good manifesting queen, 
I go after what I want. 
I am a smart woman. 
I know how to do this thing.

And so I go ask for what I want some more. 
And I ask some more. 
And I “claim to be taking time for myself” 
but instead I am really off giving time and energy to someone I care about. 
Putting my focus on them. 
Giving a sh*t too much. 
And allowing my time. 
My energy. 
My space. 
My boundaries. 
To just get trampled for the sake of love….

Or so I claim it to be that. 

But truly its not about love. 
It is about me not wanting to look greedy. 
Not 100% believing that I am worthy of asking for my needs. 
Not wanting to let anyone down. 
“Cus God forbid that I let someone else down, right?”

And then after all of that, 
you know what happens?

Frustration. 
Fear. 
Loss of energy. 
Loss of focus. 
Clarity.
Sanity. 
And I find myself feeling lost. 
Feeling hopeless. 
And feeling like none of it matters anyway. 

And so what is the answer?

How can one in these shoes get back to stable?
How can one move from this overfull state and get into satisfaction?

Pretty simple love. 

Just demand SPACE.

Move yourself into a state of space. 
Away from all who are calling on you, 
even if they mean the best by their checking in, 
even if they are sharing love, 
even if they are concerned and wanting to help. 

Move the F-CK AWAY from them and get some SPACE. 

Realize that that is the ONLY way that you will be able to have what you want. 

And to feel satisfied and get manifesting your dreams. 

You don’t have to step away forever. 
You just need a vacation. 
A detox. 

Space.

So just ask for it. 
And if you suck at asking like I do. 

Then let that only child syndrome that some of us have surface in another way and stamp your feel and pitch a fit and DEMAND IT!

Because darlin’ you are worth it. 
And your dreams are too. 

As Always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living
” Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Dear God, Please Fix Them…

“Dear God please help heal them so that I will feel better.”

“Dear God please get them to change so that I can feel better.”

 

“Dear God please send your angels down to comfort them so that I can get on with my life, they are bugging me.”

 
Yeah God, can you get on that?
 
Right now, PLEASE!
 
They are not doing what I want.
They are not acting the way that makes me feel good.
They are making choices that make me upset.
 
OMFG!
 
How many times if you get right with yourself do you have to admit that this is exactly what you are meaning when you are praying for someone else, or when you are dealing with a relationship?
 
You may have laughed or found yourself bewildered at my statements above, but if you dare dig into your heart you might be surprised at what you discover.
 
You might have to actually REALIZE that these statements are not far from home for you.
 
I know they are not to far from home for me.
I continuously work at letting go of my need to control a situation and other people’s choices, however I still fall into my ego and catch myself doing just this.
 
I find myself in this pile of sh*t,
a.k.a. DRAMA
 
And then somewhere in the shifting through it I come to realize that I have done it yet again.
 
I went and stuck my nose into someone else’s business or tried to interfere with God’s business.
 
Seem’s goofy, but it is true.

 

If you think you are above this but you:

 
Find yourself worried about the outcome of something,
Find yourself worried or concerned about what choice/action someone else is going to take,
Find yourself sad or in anxiety over a choice or action that someone else did,
Find yourself angry at how someone is not seeing, hearing or understanding you,
Find yourself constantly getting people to show up in your life telling you that you should do this or that,
Or you have constant interactions with people who are, well let’s just call them “haters”

Then GUESS WHAT…

 
You are caught in someone else’s or God’s business.
You are NOT tapping into WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
 
Yesterday, I was on the phone with a young man who I care about, but am very upset with the choices that he has recently made in his life and how they have impacted someone very close to me.
 
I had been requested to reach out to him and hold space, as he was going through some really tough events and needed a “sesh with mom” as it was put to me ( although he is not actually my child, I have the ability to show up and mom him, he will hear it from me).
 
Initially when this request was made of me, I instantly felt myself stepping to ego and thinking to myself, “well he just needs to change because I mad at him for this, this, and this.”
 
I felt VERY JUSTIFIED in my anger toward him too.
Thank goodness for doing your inner work,
because I quickly saw my ego and realized that this was not a reaction from my core, my soul.
 
So I said, yes to the request and asked if there was any insight that I needed before calling him,
 
the response was simple, ” I am going to respect him and let him share everything.”
 
This statement came to me with a gut wrenching feeling and thought that I had no reason to think. It was one of those moments when you find yourself questioning, WHY? would I even think that.
 
Yet, I had this feeling in my gut and this VERY BAD thought of what he was going to share with me. So I texted back the person asking me to hold space for this young man, with okay and I shared quickly what had come into me in that moment. Then said that I prayed I was wrong. The response back gave no answer to my feeling, just said call him.
 
Well, I quickly found out that my feeling and thought were accurate.
 
I had been given a psychic message.
My intuition was dead on correct.
My heart dropped as I listened to the tears, the words and the energy.
 
All my anger still sat there with me for the actions that I was mad about prior, but now I felt deep empathy, compassion and even sadness for what he had been through.
 
My ego tried to creep in here and there with, “Karma is a bitch.”
And perhaps it can be.
 
The truth is that due to a lack of alignment is why this event happened.
It was not punishment.
It was not karma.
It was lack of alignment to himself.
 
And here is the thing…
 
We all get out of alignment.
Matter a fact, many of us are out of alignment MOST OF THE TIME.
 
When we are out of alignment with our core.
Our soul.
Our heart.
we are out of alignment with GOD.
 
From here stems ALL of our pain and suffering.
From here comes our neediness and expectation of others to be some other way to make us happy.
From here comes our sabotage.
From here we finger point, blame, shame and guilt.
From here we reside in ego
NOT in love.
 
When we are in alignment, we can open up to love and compassion.
 
For self and others.
We do not expect ANYONE to fix us,
make us feel someway or another.
 
We do not hate, or even really see the ugliness of humanity.
We see that we are all human.
We see that we are all guilty of all the same shit, just at different levels.
We see our lostness in another.
We see our non-alignment in another.
We see our beauty in another.
We see our divinity in another.
 

No matter how that person is choosing to show up, we see our REFLECTION.

 
I chose to reflect love, compassion, forgiveness and presence for this young man yesterday.
 
I chose to instead of judge and damn, to open my heart and risk.
I chose to instead of shut down and armor up to lean in and hold space.
 
I chose to see myself, feel my pain as well as my GREATNESS and beauty. My fear and trust.
 
In choosing these things,
Perhaps,
just perhaps,
I cracked open a door to healing for this young man.
 
Here is to a day,
a day of living from your heart.
From your core.
From your soul
From alignment.
 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Call It A Blond Dementia Moment.

Blond Moments.

 
LOL… I have these so often.
It truly is not funny.
 
Okay, so it is pretty effing funny.
I laugh at myself ALL the time.
 
Today I was out to lunch with a friend who is part of my KW Team. I was sharing with her my appreciation for her support and friendship and simply all she does for me.
 
And then I had to share this little diddy with her about my blond moment at 6AM yesterday.
 
So if you did not know, I am a horrible control freak.
I really have a tough time delegating in my business.
I have for years done it all myself and built almost everything BUT the info structure and SEO of my website by myself.
I have had help along the way for technical things, but quickly took it upon myself to learn what was happening and then booted my helper and did it myself.
 
Why?
Well, I could feed you some bullshit line here and say that I could not afford the help or we had some disagreement and just needed to split.
 
But like I said, that would be a bullshit line.
 
The truth was, I dumped the help because I felt like it made me weak to ask or need help.
It made me feel like someone else was in control of my life instead of me.
And I simply DID NOT TRUST.
 
I did not trust that they would do what I needed or wanted.
I did not trust that I could release my stuff to them.
I did not trust that God would provide me with the means to pay them.
 

And the BIG one:

 
I did not trust that I was worthy enough to have help.
 
Anyway, this has been a long running battle for me.
Anyone, close to me and is reading this right now is shaking their head YES.
 
Well, a few weeks ago I committed to take myself to the next level of coaching and grow my business. Which means that I would have to grow and learn how to expand myself more.
 
 
And one of the first things I am being faced with is that I am DOING TOO MUCH.
 
I am trying to CONTROL IT ALL.
And I need to just LET GO.
 
LOL…
You would think I would know that.
 
And I do.
But here is my shit.
 
My shit is that one of my tweaks to go to the next level is to delegate and ASK FOR HELP.
 
Ask for what I need.
And then ALLOW myself to RECEIVE it.
 
Okay so fast forward to 6AM today….
 
I am jumping on Facebook to do my daily 6-AM Conscious Coffee LIVE and I decided after three sips of coffee with one eye open that I was going to take the first minute to share my LIVE from my business page to my personal profile where I have over 4k friends and followers. I was thinking it would touch more people and would make a bigger impact.
 
GREAT IDEA.
 
So I do it. I go LIVE, I make the announcement that I am sharing this and doing a quick tech thing and then I get into my talk.
 
I go through a few moments of sharing on the topic- But You Said You Wanted It.
 
When I have a TOTAL Blond Moment.
 
And to make matters worse from just being blond, I freak myself out internally like the zombie apocalypse is happening…
 
Mid sentence, I am sharing a point and think to myself,
” I need to share the Feel Good Now Course” under this live.
 
Like magic, the course pops up under my LIVE.
And that is not the magical part,
It was shared by ME.
 
Except, I DID NOT share it.
 
So, I was like, “W-O-W! That was cool. and Thank you God.”
 

But that wow moment quickly crept into, “WTF! How did that happen and who hacked my account?”

 
Total Blond…
My friend I was having lunch with today, I had given permission to edit and admin my coaching page to.
 
I had asked for her help to run things and support me.
I had asked her to join my team and do just what she was doing.
 
Supporting me on a LIVE.
 
Yeppers, This crazy blond here, forgot she asked for her needs.
And freaked the f*ck out from getting what she was asking for.
 
I guess that could be called a Blond Dementia Moment?
 
IDK.
 
Anyway, moral of my tale this afternoon…
 

Stop trying to control everything.

Let go of what you can, so you can BE-DO-HAVE more.

 
Open up and ASK for your NEEDS to be met.
Then DON’T forget to allow yourself to actually RECEIVE them.
 
Oh, and ALWAYS….
ALWAYS
Remember to Laugh.
 
Laugh at Life.
Laugh at Yourself.
Laugh at your Ego.
 
Find the Humor in your life and it will get easier,
and flow better.
 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

 

How $75 Worth of Chocolate & Roses Equals a $7 Box of Condoms

blowjobflowers” It’s not about the love, it’s about the expectation of sex.”

Today is the day of love. Today men across the world are standing in obnoxious lines with bundles of over prices roses and chocolates in their arms. They are feeling the pressure of society as well as the hope and expectation to “show” their love from the woman of their obsession. Today, woman across the world are doing their daily shopping and adding in a small box of condoms, as women know that with the gifts of love that has cost their gents possibly a whole pay check or more they will be expected to return the favor of love and show their love and gratitude through the affection of sex.

So here is the issue with how we perceive love and relationship.

Yes I know right about now many who read this musing are wondering how can someone such as myself who preaches and teaches about love, romance, courting and sex be so damn anti-Valentine’s Day.

There are simple issues with this Hallmark day of Love.

The first but not the least  is that it is an abusive day for those who are single. Every where you go from late January to mid February you are bombarded with the constant reminder that if you do not have a valentine then there is most likely something wrong with you. We are told from a young age that this day is about showing love and more importantly about showing off that we are loved or that we have someone “special.” When in all reality the majority of people who are out there buying up flowers, wine, chocolate and dinner reservations as well as jewelry are ONLY doing so because of the pressure they feel NOT because of the love that they share.Which leads me to the second BIG time issue I have with Valentines. It is a day where those who are in a relationship are held to expectations that are frequently over the top for many. Valentines is a day of keeping up with the Jones in our private lives. It effects us all and most of the time not in the positive way we hope for. Both sides in the relationship feel an un-needed stress to make something extravagant occur on this day. After all it needs to top last year, or make our lover really know that we cherish and love them. All the better if we can make it a big time event where our friends or family will be amazed. We have to make sure that it is facebook or instagram worthy after all. Which brings us to the third issue with this day of love. All I can say is thank heavens that Valentines day happens in mid February as that does help off set some peoples purchases, because after making it through Christmas and News Years those who get a tax refund need to get it cranked out ASAP so that they can afford the Valentine experience. So often people over spend and business knows that the stress of making a loved one feel your love is something that almost everyone is craving and will certainly pay for, so as the heart balloons raise in the air and the roses adorn the walkways of all our local shopping areas, we can also watch the price tags for these items increase and see the signs of extra marketing happening. After all “every kiss begin’s with …. yep a diamond.” These big purchases funnel us right into the next issue of valentines day, that being that with the pressure to purchase items we also feel the pressure to push our relationships prematurely. We may want to really make our love known and what better day to propose then on the day of love itself. These premature advances in relationship can lead to more trouble and heart ache then we could ever realize.  Do to these premature advances we may also deal with premature break ups and the onset of massive depression over taking us at this time of the year. The once ” In a Relationship” status can quickly go to the hope of ” Engaged” and the destitution of “Single.”

The focus of Valentines Day is not on love. It is on gift giving and receiving. It is about expectation and the belief that we can “make” someone love us or feel loved by us. It is in all actuality a very sad day for many who walk this earth and have to bare the media and marketing for many of the reasons I list above and for those who have been “blessed” with a Valentine who makes their love known through extravagant purchases and heart felt promises and courting gestures, it is often a day where they find themselves living out of integrity and feeling the pressure to act and do things that they are not in alignment with for that moment. Some may wonder what I mean by this statement, simply that love is not always shown through gift giving. We all have our primary love styles or languages that help us feel loved. Gifts are always wonderful, but often come with an attachment to the givers needs. Weather the giver is aware of their agenda or not, the receiver is most likely going to feel the pressure and guilt if they are not feeling like doing what they “think” the expectation is that comes with the gift. But, after all it is Valentines Day and he did go through all of this trouble to say, “I love you.” So what the heck grab a box of condoms at the store and make some yummie moans and grunts, get down and dirty and know that more then likely it will all be over in less then 10 minutes. As cruel as this may seem, the facts are there. Love cannot be forced to be felt, and it sure the heck cannot be forced through gift giving. Love is not need based and does not come with attachments and anyone who is truly in love will know that their partner(s) are not expecting any sort of crazy gift on a media induced holiday.

Show your love not through societal norms but through the true longing for deeper intimacy and sacred loving. Show your love through the giving of real love, love that knows that it is to be shared and released every day of a relationship not just on a few occasions in the year. Give your love unconditionally and without any agenda. A man or woman who can open to the power of this sort of love that is NOT need based will reap far more then the pressured few moments of sexual release or blinged out presents.

Love that is open and flowing, unconditional and fully expressed in each moment is love that can endure and expand. Through this sacred loving one can experience deep intimacy that carries with it vibrant life and yes life changing orgasm.

The last word: He said he was leaving. She ignored him.

When Laura Munson’s husband asked for a divorce, she ducked instead of fighting. He needed to learn, she says, that his unhappiness wasn’t really about her.

couplehandholding

Let’s say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s—gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros, when you were single and skinny—have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else—a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “the End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.

But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation,” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need … ”

“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual 6 o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July—the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks—to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying, or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not—it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It’s not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

This essay originally appeared in The New York Times. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

This post comes from Theweek.com August 13, 2009