It’s Complicated! – Challenges of Couple-hood Overcome. ( Global – LIVE – Online Workshop)


Do you have all sorts of questions about sex but don’t know where to turn or who to trust?
Are you in an intimate relationship but feeling like things may be getting rocky or stale?
Are you concerned that this relationship may end the same as your last?
Do you wish you felt more passion in your relationship the way you did in the “honeymoon” phase?

Sex, relationships, marriage.

How do you keep things hot? What about when the fire dies down?
Why do some people manage to sustain a “hot, sexy, full of passion relationship when other’s can’t ?

Learn about good sexual communication and how to overcome the major sexual challenges of couple-hood so you can enjoy a juicy relations NOW and ALWAYS.

Kendal Williams will be covering the biggest sources of misunderstanding  seen  in intimate relationships around sexuality, intimacy and love and will teach you as to why these things happen and what to do about them.

Live Global Training on Facebook in Private Closed Group Setting.

Stop Allowing Average and Ordinary into Your Love Life Any Longer?

LEARN MORE AND REGISTER for Class and preliminary Course Material NOW


 *Time for LIVE Training is CST


Why I Am Such A Bitch to Men.

Little girls are taught to smile, be polite and make sure to not ask for too much or be too demanding.

Little girls are told that it is their responsibility to take care of others.

Little girls are told that it is their fault if a boy says, thinks or does something based in sexual attitude to them.

Little girls are told that only “bad” girls speak about their desires or ask for them.

And you know what all of this bullsh*t does to us women?

It causes some seriously unhappy women that have no clue what they want and are loaded with shame and guilt. It is the beginning of a life long plague where we grown ass women attract all the wrong men in our lives and scare away the good guys left and right because we are lost little girls hiding in this grown up body, pretending to have all our sh*t together STILL trying to be a “good girl” like we were taught.

And you know what this bullsh*t does to men?

It teaches them that women are their for the use and the toss away. It teaches them that they don’t have to earn us nor work on themselves to keep us. It teaches them that sex is a transaction and that women should be happy with what they get back from a guy which is typically some slimy come on laced with some expectation.

These teachings that our youth get contribute to the crappy dating world we live in. They are the foundations of the issues in our relationship saga’s and our marriage crisis’s.

We speak about monogamy but what we don’t understand is that with it or ANY relationship outline that each  of us MUST be committed to each other and to our own growth and the growth of the relationship. Relationships are not easy, they require work, commitment and compassion. Here is the issue, often we get into a relationship way to quickly and we throw ourselves into the deep end and expect that commitment is a sure thing. We also expect that this commitment is going to allow us to not have to work so hard any more and that we can just relax and soften the courting ( on both sides). Commitment means that sex should just happen, when we want it and that it is part of our relationship duties that we should be damn happy about.

This is all so far from any truth, yet this is what relationship after relationship goes through.

These issues would all come to a halt if they never had an opportunity to get started.

And here is why I am a bitch to men.

I am a bitch to men because when a man messages me a random text, email, FB message and asks me a dumb question like:

” How old are you?”

“What’s your name?”

“Are you married?”

“How are you today ?”

“What’s up?”

(and these are opener liner’s)

Or simply just says, “Hi.” and leaves it at that. I can tell that I have a winner of a man in my presence. Yeppers, this man is committed to only one thing and it is not to getting to know me or exploring any sort of relationship. No he is more than likely hoping that I am as desperate as him and will send him a picture or get into a sex chat with him so that he can jack off to my words and picture and be done. Once again proving that men in today’s world have been taught that women are their for the usage, their pleasure and can easily be disposed of.

Take this into the dating world and you get the guys who think that it’s okay to assume that sex or anything will happen just because they have asked a woman out.  If they buy dinner well then, what are they getting in return? If they have taken a woman out three times then she better put out.

Our society norm on relationship is that it is ALL about the QUICK, EASY HOOK UP.

It is not just the men’s fault here.

Us ladies have a BIG role in this as well.

We allow this kind of attitude to flourish by the way we act.

Not being authentic from the start. Leading men on in one way and at the same time keeping ourselves locked away and not sharing what we are wanting in a relationship. Thinking  that the way to a man’s heart is through his cock and giving him easy sex right up front.

Ladies, this is NOT the way to capture a man. You can have many “boys” to play with but a man will want more of you than just your sex. And a man will be willing to take things slow, be present with you and show you in many ways that you are more than just a booty call or friend with benefits. These men are willing to court and do so NOT because of some duty or because they think that women cannot do things such as open doors and pull out chairs or pay a tab, but because it brings them pleasure to pamper you and take care of you. Because they are operating in their divine masculine and love being a man that is strong in himself thus can support a woman in her feminine.

They also, do not have a desire for you to have sex with them out of duty because they just paid for dinner. No they only desire to have you sexually when you are ready and wanting it too.  They understand that it takes an emotional connection and level of trust to be open to having pleasurable sex and intimacy and that it is NOT about the pump, pump, ooooh, goo experience that they could have in the privacy of their own bathroom with their hand but that when you finally come together in this way that his pleasure will be intensified by your surrender due to the trust building and emotional connection that you both created on the front side.

These sort of men, through their own energy and personal power and confidence in them selves and life make a woman want them in every way from the first moment of meeting.

It is NOT something that can be faked either.

These men desire a WOMAN not a girl.  They want someone stable in who she is, comfortable in her feminine energy and NOT shadowing her beauty with a need to prove that she is a better man than he. These men value authentic women, not manipulation and game playing. They want us women to show up as we are in any moment, raw, beautiful and in our power as a woman.

These men smile at our fire, our passion, our hearts desires. They are willing to hold space for our tears and they value emotions, ALL of them.

These men even if scared, desire more to be strong in themselves and in worship of their love to their woman than to try an control her through some belittling program of duty that only kills a relationship. They know what they want, they know it is work and there will be emotional times. They understand that in order to keep  a real woman in their life that they must ALWAYS strive to be a better man then what they were the day before and have as much compassion for themselves as they do for her.

This is why I am a bitch to men.

NOT all men. 

Just the chosen men that are not men to start with but little boys, insecure in themselves and fearful of any true depth of relationship or intimacy. These men I am a bitch too, because why would a woman settle for anything less than an authentic superior man who is on purpose, in love with life and self and fully ready to envelop her in his heart.

Why would a woman settle for a man that cannot or refuses to match her radiance and love with his own?

Why would a woman settle for anything less than what God wants her to have? God wants us women to ask men to stand up and be men, in their power and glory and with their hearts and souls, not just their” little heads.”

Ladies why are you settling?



If that is honor… F*ck It!

Weep for yourself, my man,
You’ll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You’re not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?
– Little Lion Man, Mumford and Sons

This one is for the ladies in the house!

Isn’t love just glorious? We find someone that we just seem to click with and something says, YES.  Next thing we know we have invested not just moments of our lives with this someone but we have also given away pieces of ourselves. We have modified ourselves  to make sure that this one does not  get away. Yet something inside of us is leery and uncertain. We are hopeful but full of fear at the same time. It is like we just know that this one too will leave us.
Months go by and sometimes years, we start to get comfortable and the fear of the loss fades for the most part only popping up in moments when we catch him looking at another woman or watching porn, when he starts to pay more attention to his facebook then to what we have to share about our day.  Our fear shows its face when we find ourselves questioning if he still loves us or if we are pretty any more?  Yes here, here we meet our fear of loss. Here we stand face to face with it.  We become yet again certain that this one too will someday break our hearts. Even though he started out so strong, so full of love and desire for us and with a fierce passion and connection that was beyond measure, we just know.  His promises that he would never leave, that he wants to do whatever he can to make us happy and he feels like he does not deserve us only tear away at our core, because we know the truth.

Oh those sweet words.

They kill the heart with each breath of sharing. They have us trapped on the end of a hook that we cannot pull out of our hearts and that we desire so badly to believe.
“I think your the one.”
” I have never loved like this.”
“I love you fiercely and with every part of me.”
” I want to watch you sleep for the rest our lives.”
” I love you so much, there is nothing I would not do for you.”

Yes those words.

All of us have heard them, probably a few times over.  Inevitably though, they are followed somewhere down the path with:
” I need space.”
“I won’t leave you, but I fully understand if you want to break up.”
” I love you enough to let you go.”
and my all time favorite….

” I just want you to be happy.”

OMFG!!! are you sh*ting me right now? Yes I love you enough to let you go.

I recall a few times that men have told me that, matter a fact ALL the men that I have ever opened my heart to from my father, to the boy I loved and lost my virginity too, to the man that holds my heart today and can crush me without notice, and even those that I have thought I trusted fully and loved deeply but knew that they only could have pieces of me.  EVERY man, that I have become close too in m y 41 years of life has stated at some point these words.
On the front side these words feel and look beautiful. After all the man is honoring you and your wishes. He only wants you happy and even if that costs him his happiness then he is willing to suffer.  It will most likely be a most agonizing pain and he may never recover, but as long as you are happy, then the price is not to high to bare.

How sweet.

When we dig a little deeper into these words what I have discovered is that on the face of it, these men truly do believe and desire for our happiness and are buying into their own weakness as being a strength and an act of love.  It is sad that our society has been unbelievably successful at raising multiple generations of men out there that believe this bullsh*t.  And we women just keep embracing it and saying, ” yeah, he really loves me, so much he would give me up and suffer the rest of his days, just so I could be happy.”

This is CRAZY!

He would give you up?

And suffer so you can be happy?

F*ck NO! Ladies and gentlemen who dare read this, lord I hope a few do dare, every time a man says these words to a woman he is calling out to her worst nightmare, her worst fear and that is, ” I am not worth your love.”  Perhaps we are all a bunch of silly school girls caught up in our favorite love story by wanting a knight in shinning armor to come whisk us off our feet, but here is the thing, we don’t really want saved. We live in a time where we women are powerful in our masculine and we can earn the big bucks, we can buy the house and the car, we can raise the kids on our own. Shit we can even have great sexual climaxes with ourselves. Sex is more open these days. We can have as many partners as we desire and we can explore all aspects of ourselves. We most certainly do NOT need the knight to come rescue us, but it would be nice to find a man who did not turn into a scared little boy and hide when shit got hard and just let us go so easily.

This is not a statement of strength men, this is a statement of LAZINESS!

Our society has raised lazy in love, lazy in sex, lazy in connection men.  The men of today only know how to work hard for a degree and a work promotion or how to get the abs they want, if that. They do not nor do many of them have the desire to do the work and stand in the flames of authentic relating with a woman. They feel that they cannot fight for her because that may appear as though they are asserting their masculine power over her in some way and trying to force her to do something she does not want, they feel that if they fight that they will harm the feminine.

And in turn what they are doing is destroying the feminine heart and our trust in the masculine.

To fight for your lady love, does not mean that you don’t take her no for a no. It means that you wake the F*ck UP and start paying attention before things get to the goodbye. It means that you be her knight every day, by slowing down in the bedroom and making love to her instead of asking for the quickie which only says, ” Come here honey, let me use you as a masturbation toy, your physical body and emotions don’t mean enough to me to take the time.”
It means that you take the time to court her and date her even if you just celebrated your 40th anniversary, because you  never have her, you always need to earn her.  It means that you take care of yourself, of your health and your well being because you want to live a long time to be with her. It means that you stop and listen to her, that you inquire and show that you care what is happening in her day. It means that when the goodbye comes that you don’t just sluff it off and say, “I will do whatever you want as long as you are happy,” but instead ask how  can  I capture her heart again?

” A woman does not want to be an object of duty, she wants to be desired.“- John Eldredge, Journey of Desire

We have come to a point in time where men have forgotten how to be men. They have forgotten how to court, how to peruse, and how to desire and love their women.  We women have caused much of this with our desires to be equal and to prove ourselves to the world and to our selves. Our new found feminist superhero forms have us conquering everything like a man but never being conquered through desire or in the bedroom. Here  we are still women with energetic cocks flaunting all over the place and keeping ourselves supposedly safe in our heads where our grand fortresses cannot be overtaken. We control our relationships and we control our sex. Thus we control our lack of true orgasm and we suffer the consequences by raising a male population that believes that they are being mature and good honoring men by avoiding their desire. By not courting and instead suggesting , “Let’s go dutch,” while they let the lady grab the door and carry all the groceries.
“If you are with a man you don’t trust, it is only because you prefer unsurrendered love to surrendering wide open in total trust. It feels safe. You are afraid to let go of control–part of you doesn’t trust love’s command–so you have chosen a man who doesn’t demand your surrender with his depth of integrity. If you did trust the command of love, you would only settle for a deep man capable of opening you more deeply than you could instruct him.” — David Deida, Way of the Superior Man
The issue here is not over doors and groceries, physical strength or even courtesy, no the issue is that men are NOT LEADING. Men are not COURTING. Men are not PERSUING.
Men are HOWEVER going against their true nature and living outside of their integrity, everyday. They are doing this with their woman and they are doing this all areas of life.

“The way you penetrate your woman, is the way you penetrate life.” – David Deida

Men in today’s world are scared to lead and have no concept of what leading looks like especially when it comes to intimate relationship.  So they screw up left and right by being overly direct or skittish.  They have no middle ground where they lead.  Today many men suffer, yes this they do, they suffer from a lack of desire,  a lack of leadership, a lack of manhood. Today men do things in hopes that it will be honoring and respectful, show the women how they feel, but in turn they only end up hurting the woman, the relationship and loosing the girl.
They will loose her every time too, until they awaken to their truth.
Women must stop accepting men at this level and we must STOP encouraging it by continuing with this superchick mentality of , ” I got this!” Men must on the other hand learn to go to their deepest levels of self and feel into themselves. They must feel their  desire, they must feel their deep love, they must feel their fear and breathe into it, not past it but into it.  It is through the fear, the deep love and the desire that their purpose is and it is NOT until they embrace their purpose as a man that they can keep the girl.
A woman WILL NEVER respect a man who does not have purpose. She will NEVER trust a man who cannot feel himself fully and her fully, and she WILL NEVER surrender to a man who cannot LEAD.

” I love you enough to let you go.” Is a statement of a broken masculine.

Ladies, embrace your men with love and wild abandon. Do this through demanding him to stand in his leadership role.  STOP feeling like he is trying to conquer you with control and start seeing how his desire is your surrender.  If you love your man, TEST YOUR MAN.  Without your tests and fires he will never embrace his heart. Until he embraces his heart he will remain lost. Here is where the feminine leads the masculine. We lead him into his heart by opening our own.

In order to do this though….

We women must first regain our connection to our hearts and pussies and become the divine feminine that God created us to be.  We women have forgotten our hearts as well and are mad at the masculine for not feeling us, when we ourselves have forgotten our hearts desire and are fearful of receive the blessings that lye there.

The first step to true honoring is this…



And F*ck this false version of honor!


Looking for Mr. Forever – The pressure we SHOULD NOT feel.

I know you want someone to hold you close and handle your heart gently, but put love on hold. You don’t need someone to fall asleep beside. Not yet. You can wait for that.

Finding your forever person shouldn’t be your main priority. Finding yourself should come first.

Find out what brings your passionate side to the surface. Find out what stirs the adrenaline that’s been hibernating in your veins. Find out what convinces you to stay up until 3 AM and wake up at 5 AM. Find out what puts the suicidal thoughts to rest and gives you a burst of appreciation for the living.

Find out why the girl in the mirror looks so sad when she’s alone. What does she want? What is she missing? If it’s a who, what type of person would fill the gap where her smile is supposed to be? Is it a best friend that can make her laugh when she only has the impulse to scream? Is it a semi-stranger to drink with to erase the pain? Is it a mystery voice that tells her they believe in her, that they’re proud of her?

Find out what squeezes your heart until it skips a beat. Find out what sends flutters through your spine. Find out what awakens the butterflies in your stomach. Find out what makes the cliches come to life.

Find out who you are and what you want out of this chaotic world, because you’ve only scratched the surface of your cravings. You want a house in the Hamptons, but what will make that house a home? Degrees to hang on the wall, a baby girl, a puppy flopping through the yard? You want a job in journalism, but what are you hoping to gain from it? Aside from money. Aside from security. What is it you’re hoping life blesses you with?

Find out what you want this universe to deliver to you. And don’t be afraid to sound greedy or selfish or unrealistic. Don’t restrain yourself from having oversized fantasies, because you’ll find important pieces of yourself hidden amongst those dreams. You’ll find out what drives you. What type of human you truly are.

Find out what inspires you, motivates you. Find out what gives you the energy to push through on your worst days. Find out what you’re doing here on this earth, because no matter how worthless you feel, you have a purpose. You have a reason you exist — and it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.

You have a lifetime to find your forever person, so find yourself first. You deserve to meet her.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE– You Have A Lifetime To Find Your Person, So Find Yourself First by Holly Riordan

Polyamory vs. Monogamy: What Do You Think?

woman2menI know that I have many people that I am working with who are coming to a point in their lives and relationships where having and “Open Relationship” has become appealing to them. But there is much concern as to if it is dangerous or not to have this sort of sexual/intimate relating and the main causes of concern are:
* How will jealousy play a role?
* Won’t one or both of us feel like the other is not invested or committed as much anymore?
* What happen’s if I truly love two people at the same time? Is this manageable or will it destroy the relationships?
* Does having multiple partners increase my chances of catching a sexually transmitted disease?
* What about time management?
* How do I deal with what other’s think? i.e. friends, parents, children, etc.
* How do I bring up the conversation of opening my primary relationship?
Just to name a few concerns….

I am not going to address all of this here, as this list of concerns is a whole workshop in it’s own. However, I do want to say that I agree with Dan Savage on his comeback and I will state that for the last four years I have been blessed to enjoy a deep loving, authentic relating and sexually open relationship with my two lovers. Both men fulfill me in different aspects. My relationship is unique with each and yet similar.

Last year I opened a channel of communication of allowing each of them to ask me five question’s, they could be any question and I agreed to answer 100% authentically no matter how hard it may be to state my truth. My primary partner Scott asked me, ” Have you ever considered a primary relationship with B?” – My response and the honest truth was, “Yes.” How could I have not? Here is a man I adore and love with my heart, soul and body just as I feel for Scott, I feel for B. Each man pulling to my surface an aspect of myself that without his presence I would not get a chance to explore, heal and love. Each man compliments my internal masculine in a similar but different fashion and allow’s me to be stronger in my divine feminine. Each open’s me and teaches me how to expand my heart, surrender more fully, and accept more gracefully the lead of the divine masculine.

In all honesty, I cannot, nor do I ever wish to imagine or experience my life without each of these gentlemen in it. Do I need either of them? No. I feel strong enough in myself and my path to say that I make the conscious choice each day to open myself to each of them and dance in life with them. It is not a state of need and therefore jealousy does not play a strong role in my relating. I am not with either of them to try and change them into someone that I believe they should be either. Therefore I am able to step away from much of my ego based issues and just enjoy each of them for who they are in the moment and how they each choose to show up in life with me.

As far as sexually transmitted diseases and open relationship’s go, just an FYI that monogamy does not mean security. Many studies have been done in recent years to see if polyamorous people are more likely to catch a sexually transmitted diseases than monogamous people. The stat’s were about equal. But how is this possible if one group of people are only sleeping with the same person and the other group has multiple partners?

Well, here is the truth.
When people cheat they do not think to have safe sex. They do not use a condom most of the time.
When people are involved in an open lifestyle they typically know that they have to have these conversations about diseases, protection and when someone got tested or not. They also think about boundaries, safe words, precautions and deeper levels of authentic communication that many monogamous people never consider. Does this mean that you can’t enjoy bare sex with two partners or that it is a bad idea? The answer here is no. Of course you can enjoy bare sex with two partners, as long as all partners are on board with it and communication is in place as well as taking into consideration that bare sex is a symbol of deep connection, trust and COMMITMENT. So if anyone decides to bring in another party then the safety jackets are back on.

Having an open relationship or multiple partners DOES NOT mean that you love less. It means that you LOVE MORE! This sort of relating when done in a mature, proactive, no ego driven or need fashion can be very healing and a great teacher. Is it for everyone? No. But should it be condemned or stated that such a relationship between 3, 4 or even 5 people cannot last long term? No again. Most monogomous relationships end in divorce after years of fighting, suffering and sexless relating. Do these long term relationships seem successful? If you answered yes then you may need to examine what your view of success is and then ask yourself if they are really examples of unconditional love too. Then look at an open relationship such as Dan Savage and his wife, shared below….

Successful? Unconditionally loving?
You be the judge.


Dan Savage at Inforum 9460747644 cropped to Savage

Dan Savage’s devastating reply to Helen Fisher

That New York Times story a couple days ago?The Secrets to an Open Marriage According to Mo’Nique?Which quoted the once-respected anthropologist Helen Fisher saying she just somehow knows these things “never end up working long-term”?

Dan Savage just published a takedown:

Dan Savage in 2013
…The Oscar-winning actress [Mo’Nique] and her husband [Sidney Hicks] are double rarity: not just a straight couple who aren’t in the closet about their open marriage, but a famous straight couple in an openly open marriage.

…[Writer Tammy] La Gorce gets a few quotes from someone who comes across as pretty sane about open marriages — Douglas LaBier, a psychologist and the director of the Center for Progressive Development — but La Gorce pretty much hands the rest of the piece over to someone who has clearly lost her mind: Helen Fisher, author, “biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute” (RIP Kinsey Institute), and shill for a dating website, where Fisher has been doing important research on the best strategy for getting a second date (take ’em out for sushi) and what it means when a person uses a lot of emojis (they’re horny as fuck).

…Where to start?

With Fisher’s insulting claim to know better than Mo’Nique and Hicks about how the Mo’Nique and Hicks really feel about their marriage? (They only think they’re happy, those deluded human animals!) With Fisher’s yanked-from-her-ass assertions about evolutionary pressures that supposedly endowed all modern humans with genes that allow for just one type of romantic “bond” (only pairs, always sexually exclusive!) and just one successful “mating process” (only pairs, again, and it’s all about the kids!)? With Fisher’s assertion — offered without any data to back it up — that open marriages “never end up working long-term”?

Let’s start with that.

“Just because there is a lack of good data on the longevity of open relationships does not mean that ‘they never work out,'” said Dr. Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University. “Saying ‘they never work out’ goes beyond any data she has; I would ask her to prove it. Where are her data? I know of none to support that.”

Dr. Herbenick has data that contradicts Fisher’s “they never work out” and “all people in non-monogamous couples are secretly miserable” bullshit.

“Similar proportions of men in monogamous and open relationships say they are happy in their relationship and sexually satisfied,” said Dr. Herbenick, citing ACTUAL FUCKING DATA from the IU School of Public Health’s 2014 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. “For women, more women in monogamous relationships say that they are happy in their relationship and sexually satisfied. But that doesn’t mean none are happy or satisfied, as plenty are.”

…On a personal note/anecdote: my husband and I recently celebrated our 21st anniversary and our marriage has been open for 17 of those years. Hey, maybe Terry and I need Helen Fisher to swing by the house and explain to us how we’re really secretly miserable, just like Mo’Nique and Hicks….

Moving on…

Fisher’s bizarre theory of brain adjacency: the chunks of our brainz involved in romantic love are located near the chunks of brainz that “orchestrate” thirst and hunger and that’s why there’s no such thing as a successful open marriage. CASE CLOSED!

That sounded like complete bullshit — and not just to me.

“It is a rather odd claim to say that the reason a phenotypic trait will operate the way it does is because a particular brain region responsible for it is adjacent to other brain regions which do something else,” said Dr. Qazi Rahman, King’s College London. “That kind of model of brain-behaviour relationships would generate all sorts of very odd predictions which most neuroscientists or neuropsychologists would find strange. But then all behaviour and mental activity is ‘in the brain’ and so I’m not clear making these sorts of claims does any useful explanatory work for behavioural scientists.”

“There is an entire network of the brain involved in romantic love,” said Dr. James Pfaus…. [Fisher] doesn’t get it. She has never gotten it. Her view of the brain is a neurochemical phrenology.”

…”I spoke with Helen at a conference once,” a researcher who did not wish to be identified told me in an email. “Helen said there is a single gene that will determine whether a man cheats or not. We carefully explained why this couldn’t be so.”

Fisher, like so many other hacks in the love-and-relationship racket, wants sex and love and marriage to work in a certain way — they insist it only works this one way — and this monogamist bias informs and distorts Fisher’s work.

“I enjoy Helen’s stuff, but think she’s blind to her cultural bias on this one,” said Dr. David Ley. “I’d be interested in whether she truly thinks monogamy ‘works’ long-term, given divorce and infidelity rates. I think the most damaging piece of Fisher’s approach is her generalization of her beliefs to all humans. The valuable thing about modern relationships is the ability to individually negotiate a relationship, based upon each partners’ needs, strengths and deficits.”…


Reasons Why Group Sex Can Be an Attractive Option


Is group sex really as taboo as it seems?

Tradition holds that if we want to have sex, we’ve got to partner up. Once you find your mate, you can place A into B to create C. But what happens when you add someone to the party? And then another. And another, and another….

Group sex is one of those things that make some people go “hmm.” It’s seemingly taboo and kinky and yet, spontaneously attractive. There’s a reason why PornHub’s “Orgy” category holds over 7,000 videos. Most of the collection consists of thrusting bodies, flapping genitalia, oily messes, and tons of fingers — pretty much what you’d expect out of a “group sex” setting. And while that description may leave some a bit scandalized, it piques the interest of others.

In her book, The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace Through Pleasure, sex therapist Susan Block details a standard sexual environment in the life of our “long-lost kissing cousins,” the bonobo, writing, “Bonobo eroticism doesn’t discriminate between genders: all bonobos are, according to their fashion, bisexual or pansexual. Some bonobo sex is relatively private, but most is out in the open where others may watch or join in.”

Block’s description of group sex in humans sets a similar tone. She told me over the phone, “Group sex is not artificial. It’s very natural. And group sex is not particular. ”She added, “I think there’s something in all of us that responds to this idea of ‘more than one.’”

She brought up the notion of “collective joy” and introduced an argument made by Barbara Ehrenreich in her book, Dancing In the Street. Ehrenreich suggests that sporting arenas, nightclubs and dance halls function as some of the few spaces society has designated to this idea of “collective joy.” Block says sex may very well have been one of channels through which our ancestors experienced the phenomenon.

But just because something once was doesn’t make it relevant today. Those who don’t buy the “maybe nature made us this way” hypothesis may lean on another to explain the drive for group sex: it’s fun, and fun things make you happy.

Block told me, “The couple unit is great. I’m all for the couple unit. I’m in a couple unit myself: 23 years of marriage. I’m very romantic about the couple. And yet, it can be the most suffocating thing in the world, you know, to expect everything from one person. I mean, most of us are expected to meet all of our sexual and erotic needs within one relationship of marriage that is supposed to last our entire lives.”

She added, “And there’s nothing wrong with that, and mostly, that’s what we need to do to have a regular sex life. And it’s probably the most intimate form of sex. But, I think there is something very special and truly wonderful about communal ecstasy and opening up to the group that partnered sex just isn’t.”

“Just the smell. Just the intensity of people having sex around you is going to light up your libido. I can guarantee it.”

An online study conducted by the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality polled 1,092 swingers to better understand the demographic. Of those who reported being in an “unhappy relationship” before swinging, 90.4% said their relationship became happier after entering the lifestyle. The study also found that swingers were more likely to report being in a “happy marriage” than the non-swingers interviewed. (Though some “experts” remain wary of the argument that swinging can actually improve marital happiness.)

Formal group sex takes place often in specific venues that follow a certain set of rules. They serve as one of the rare spaces where women truly call the shots. Couples and single women are welcome to play around in all areas of the club. Single men, if allowed in, are given limited access.

Block told me, “Male aggression is very toned down, and females are encouraged to be assertive… The sheer amount of estrogen just keeps things very peaceful.”

So long as you like group sex (and pussy) these places are where it’s at. Just make sure you’ve talked through the logistics with your partner beforehand. A lot of clubs have sections devoted to “dealing with jealousy” listed under the rules.

Intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau told me, “The idea that you can have what you want, that you can be the center of attention, that you can go after pleasure is somewhat alien in our society but I really think that that is a healthy kind of selfishness.”

Beneteau runs the company Pleasure Evolution with her partner, Trevor Jones.

Of course, no conversation about group sex would be complete without mention of voyeurism. Jones told me, “Speaking as a man who’s had a fantasy of being with two women, voyeurism is definitely key. Very few men can keep up with two women who have a high sex drive. So at some point, you’re sitting back watching them. And that’s sort of the enjoyment. You get to see live what you’ve only fantasized about and watched in pornography.”

Beneteau added, “For a lot of women, what happens is once they start getting turned on, and they come once, the get revved up. They have a high need to keep coming. And having multiple guys means they can tag out when they get tired.”

It’s true, a lot of people would be hurt to see their partner having sex with another person. I’d probably fall into that category myself. But if you’re willing to enter into a group sex environment, there are some things you’ve got to understand. One is the idea of compersion.

Compersion is a concept frequently cited by those who practice polyamory. The term refers to deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure. This experience can take different forms. Beneteau told me, “For us personally, if he’s been with somebody else, I like to hear about it. It turns me on. But we have to be naked. And we have to be fooling around.”

That said, developing this idea of compersion isn’t easy for those of us who grew up under the umbrella of monogamy. If it’s not something you want to take on, don’t try it. To each their own.

If you are interested in dipping a toe into the group sex scene, however, don’t let fears about jealousy stop you. Block says, “A little bit of possessiveness is okay… But people that ride this wave of swinging or group sex or polyamory turn the jealousy into compersion,” adding, “Jealousy is a feeling of connectedness that goes bad. Compersion is a feeling of connectedness that blossoms into good feelings for you.”

Why I Pay My Wife for Sex…


Maybe you should too. Not MY wife — yours.

I’m always anxious to read the latest advice from sex columnists about how to have amazing sex. My problem is that they often fail to speak to the reality of life after children. Of course I’d love to languish in those Halcion days when we spent nights doing nothing but worshiping each other. Those were the days.  But why doesn’t anyone talk about having amazing sex after children?

The sex advice people suggest spicing up your love life. I’d love to have a few hours to do yoni massage in a quiet room filled only with sitar music and the aroma of sandalwood wafting in my nostrils. Children present too many interruptions and distractions. We never had the money or the child care back-up to do weekend get-aways. Waiting until late at night usually means someone is sleeping. Lovemaking gets pushed to the back seat. It takes a toll.

I was involved with men’s spiritual development groups for years. We all took a pledge of silence like the Las Vegas code. On several occasions though my wife asked me if we talked about sex. I said married guys with children don’t want to talk about something that doesn’t exist—sex after children. I couldn’t tell them about my life or they’d kill me out of jealousy. I have had a great sex life after children. Actually it started before children as it does for most of us men, but for my wife and I it never stopped.

I’m in a second marriage. My first was a complete mulligan. Maybe some insights will be posted here down the line. Let me just say, to reinforce an observation about The Good Men Project, men are victims too. I was. Enough for now. Well, okay, a little more revelation.

I underwent a vasectomy in a desperate attempt to save my first marriage. My ex was so afraid of pregnancy that she would “forget” to take her pill. ( I know, it doesn’t make sense.)  She contrived ever possible excuse to avoid sex. I really didn’t want children either, so it was no big deal for me at the time—anything to get more sex. However, when I had the procedure in the late 70’s, the folks at the family planning clinic wanted to be sure I knew it was highly unlikely I would ever be able to conceive naturally. I signed off willingly.

Turns out I was duped. Can’t go there now. My marriage dissolved soon after.

Some time later, I met the woman who would become my soulmate, the love of my life, all the magical things that a good relationship should be about. In our single days we were like mink. However, I knew when I proposed that I was committing to having children as our relationship wouldn’t work if we stayed childless. My wife was born to be a mother. I loved her enough to take the risk.

I underwent vasectomy reversal. In the aftermath I became her sex slave, as she rigidly followed the procedures for a thirty-five year old woman to get pregnant — sex every day she was at the proper basal temperature. We were told it could take a long time. The rabbit died before I was even out of my surgical recovery period.

We had sex all though the pregnancy. In the last days of a difficult and uncomfortable pregnancy, it became too painful for her. Thankfully, her gynecologist told her the way out was the same way she got in. Sex late in pregnancy will induce labor. I love that man. We had sex and she went into labor the next day.

Our first child was a crisis baby, born with a formerly fatal congenital heat defect. We took him back from the arms of the angels on several occasions. You’re never out of the woods with a heart baby, but that too is another story. I lost my job just before our second child was  born. My father-in-law, my best scotch drinking buddy, died suddenly after the birth of #2. I think only a prison term is higher on the life stress levels. Still we held on to each other.

Okay, back to my opening point, the sex counsellors don’t acknowledge that sex after children comes in stolen moments. Foreplay becomes “Brace Yourself!” Children, for all their blessings, kill intimacy. It is the ruin of many marriages. Sexuality in marriage after children has to become a commitment and not an idle romantic indulgence.

Over the years my wife and I have stayed sexually engaged. Our sex life would not make a great XXX movie. A lot of it is under the covers, quietly in the dark, but still, a connection. Unable to have wild sexual fantasies played out, we have found our own means of fun. One of them involves me paying my wife for sex. It serves a dual purpose. Money has always been short in our situation—we have been a one income family—I’m the at-home dad. I have terrible money insecurities. My wife loves to shop and buy stuff—fortunately, she is frugal. Still, her spending has been a source of stress in our relationship. I think I own four pairs of shoes, she could supply a small nation with her collection. There is rarely a day when she doesn’t shop and buy herself something. The clutter has me tearing my hair out at times. But it’s the money fear that is most troubling for me, and I admit, irrational.

I do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, so lavishing those treats on her doesn’t open any romantic gateways. We needed something else.

Somehow we came up with the fun idea that I would pay her for sex. The money she “earns” she is free to spend without me nagging her. She has never denied me sex, but it has put a little naughty fun into a stressful situation that many couples face.

I don’t know if our little arrangement will work for you, I’m just saying don’t be discouraged by the sexologists, find a way to keep sex alive in your relationship, even if you have to “pay” for it.

—by  Original Post on Good Men Project

Photo: Flickr/J.K. Califf

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Why Adventure Sex and Fantasies Can Improve Your Intimacy

fantasy sexWhen we learn to share this intimate aspect of ourselves then there is no more reason to hide any part of our beings from our partners. In this we discover true intimacy and commitment. We embrace unconditional love and live authentically. –KW

A cool breeze whipped under my skirt as I straddled his cock. Slipping one leg around him and between the back of the bench and the seat, gently moving my hips down as to press him into my wetness, my skirt falling to the side, cars passing by, bird chirping, water rippling and a possible on looker from one of the surrounding apartment or business buildings all made for our afternoon adventure. With each thrust my body hungered to feel him deeper, his pleasure of my exhibition, his joy of the freedom of fucking me softly in public, and the tremble of excitement of possibly being seen, all deepening our intimacy, our connection and passion. In one deep breath he picked me up and laid me back on the cold bench, where I was fully exposed for all to see and for him to take more fully as well. Thrusting himself into me over and over again our heat burned and we had to take our escapade to more private domains.

Some PDA (public display of affection) this had turned into.

Not so uncommon for me and some, but it is an uncommon and even feared fantasy for so many people and couples.

Adventure sex is one of the best connective tools a couple can experience. It does not always mean that you have to go to an orgy, or swing with strangers, even to have sex in public as my little tale above shares. Sometimes adventure sex can be very vanilla and simply mean doing something that you would like to explore or do again to rekindle the heat or expand your sexual horizons. Some of my tips of the week speak of having sex in the shower, tormenting each other under the table at a restaurant, revealing no panties just as you enter a theater or show, or before leaving your car give a sample blow job. Offer you bare pussy to your lover by pressing their finger into you while they are driving, kiss more passionately and thrust your hips into them while nibbling gently on their lip. Adventure sex may just mean changing up the room you have sex in or adding in a toy or some blindfolds and restraints.

Fantasy Sex DOES NOT have to remain a fantasy either. It has been shown over and over again that through acting out, sharing and allowing ourselves to grow our fantasies in a safe, intimate, boundary respected enviroment that we not only have a more harmonized psychological world, but our commitment and intimacy level with our partner is strengthened to new levels. Our actual relationship foundation becomes stronger and the container that we act in with our partner acts as a liberating agent instead of a space for shame, disconnect and fear.

Sexual fantasy is healthy folks!

Not all fantasy need be acted on, some may not even be very physically safe or may be a turn off for our partners.

Some fantasy sex may just need to be shared during lovemaking to heat things up. Or parts of the fantasy played out during regular love making and the rest just painted as if it were a picture for both to enjoy in the thralls of love making.

I can tell you that personally I love it when my partner takes me from behind, and applies his strength of dominance by holding me firmly or gently choking me while whispering our joint fantasies in my ear, using some strong language and letting me know how aroused he is with each thrust. This sort of partial fantasy play in my book is exhilarating and heals my shame of desire.


Growing up in a catholic school, with parents much older then my friends parents very stuck in their ways and with the social programming that as a girl or a woman I should not desire sex. Only sluts and whores did this and they did it out of a lack of self respect. A girl who respects herself does not flaunt, crave, desire and most certainly would never share or act on these fantasies.

Not so uncommon a program, as the majority of the population has a similar one.

What I have learned through years of sex and relationship coaching with clients, and through my own healing processes with my teachers and lovers is that the ONLY should not is the denial of myself. If I say no to myself consistently, then I reinforce the shaming from my youth. Only through acceptance and saying yes to some of my desires do I heal and expand.

This is true for everyone.

In our ability to say yes to ourselves and to push ourselves to grow and experience new adventures we learn what our true beliefs are, we learn where our boundaries are and we experience liberation not only sexually but mentally, spiritually and as a whole authentic being. One that is making the call for ourselves instead of assuming that another individuals desires/beliefs/experiences and programs are good enough for us as well.

Through our awakening the supposed demon of desire we also awaken enlightenment.

Sex is truly a liberator, a healer and one of the greatest teachers we have been given. In our closure and shaming of this invaluable tool we shut ourselves off from life and turn toward self imprisonment all in the pursuit of being a “good girl or good boy” in the eyes of society.

So stop crucifying your sex and start saying yes to the oh so evil pearls of sin. Say yes to a fantasy. Say yes to an adventure. Say yes to growth, intimacy and unbounded passion.

You may just be surprised at how powerful the event turns out to be and what joys reside on the other side of the doorway of desire.



2 Steps and 7 Years from Out the Door

the breakup1

“True love, it’s not something you have to work at.” – Previous Lover of Mine

Relationship breakdown when does it happen? How does it start? What are the road signs and how can we repair the damage before the door slams shut on our love?

Relationship take a massive amount of work and dedication to maintain. For anyone who is fearful of getting involved with a high maintenance personality I strongly suggest you re-evaluate relationship in general as ALL relationships ARE high maintenance. The main problem that we humans have today with our understanding or should I say expectation of intimate relationships is that they should just be and remain. Once established the relationship should allowing the parties involved to deal without worry with other life events such as work, children, friends, health, finances and even our down time or play time. Granted all of these life events are important but we tend to quickly forget and take for granted the primary calling of our heart: Our love relationship. We get trapped in the belief that we have time to make things work, to prove our love, to heal wounds and to get or give forgiveness. We have time to deepen our bonds and stoke the fires of passion. All the while forgetting that it is in this very moment that we choose to keep or loose what is most dear to us.

In my years now of working with couples and singles who have suffered relationship breakup and even when I look back at my past relationship(s) to witnessing what may seem like small events that are unavoidable in my current relationship I have come to be aware that D Day does not happen in a moment’s notice, it is long, slow and gradual to sneak up on lovers. It actually starts early on in relationship and is masked by many different names: Work related stress, fear of vocalization, avoidance, raising a family, old programs and expectations, etc.

Often it is the man that is the most shocked at the loss of relationship. Being so caught up in taking the lead on being the provider and protector of his lover and offspring he is blinded from reality and is calloused to the disconnect. Excuses form in his head and Mr. Fix it is always internally speaking out assuring that the plan that has been forged will save the day and show the love needed. Sadly, this is often not the case.

From the female view point she may be feeling lost, abandoned, fearful, smothered from her duties as a woman and holding up the self-imposed  as well as relationship and societal expectations put upon her. She from this viewpoint of the pain body sees her man not as Mr. Fix It but as Mr. Broken Promise. The more he slaves away trying to repair damage, save the day, and be her knight the more she sees a lost little boy who is trying to prove himself and has forgotten about her love and true needs. Over the course of years she withdraws more and more into herself, perhaps hiding behind a masculine energy where she feels more secure and in control now because dancing in her feminine causes to much heart and soul pain, once soft and vulnerable to her mate she has now turned cold, distant and duty focused. Mr. Fix It finds himself years later wondering how this disconnect and lack of intimacy was bread and comforts himself with the reality check of normalcy and the excuse of life, not truly wanting to delve into the dark waters of truth that seven short years prior when he chose to innocently break her trust and she chose to not ignite her fire and test him out of fear of losing him was the actual breeding ground. In that moment from the past neither party were consciously aware of the long term statement being made and tossing in of the towel that they were jointly making, years later after struggle, arguments and enough pain that they both have slowly shut the door on each other the only conclusion left is that love has died and the relationship is too toxic to maintain. The question then seeps in “Did I ever really connect, love this person?” “Was our love ever more then surface?” “When did this all fall apart?”


Multiple things cause these occurrences. The main one is always the breaking of trust.

Trust is easily given on the front end of a relationship. It is a sacred gift that two people give and share in hopes of bliss and security. It is quick to be poured to create foundation for the building of what is often a relationship based out of need and fear of being alone, forcing both parties to act quickly and commit. This is what I refer to as: Hiring quickly.

Women are often more guilty of this practice of hiring quickly than men. Men get the bad rap of being noncommittal, while women shortly after the first few dates are planning out the wedding party and invites. The result of pushing for a quick hire (no matter which side or if both parties are doing it) is that neither side has earned the trust needed to support a healthy relationship and thus, it is common place to discover a few years down the road that you have presumed that your love, devotion and time were equally met and wanted, when in fact you may have actually bought into a fictional character and are sleeping with a stranger of which you have no real bonds or interests with. The problem now is that you are invested, you are locked into a relationship, a picture and responsibility. You now find yourself in the long term process of firing this person you hired so quickly. This firing process may take months and often takes years. Why? Because even though our reality check is before us we still care and we want to be wise about how to disengage. Or so we tell ourselves.

We humans are all a little masochistic at times and in our relationship breakups we show this off. We enjoy pain, suffering and the attention that comes with it. But that is another topic all on its own.

True trustworthiness and trust building is the most valuable aspect to any relationship. It is the one thing that keeps harvesting love through tough times, it allows lovers to be fierce in following a purpose and in opening to vulnerability. Without a dose of supported trust in a relationship the deep penetration of love and passion never materializes. Trust is also, the most fragile of love components.

For a woman trust is broken when her lover does not acknowledge intimacy. Whe he makes light of her hormones (moods) and dismisses or hides from her fires. She loses faith in her man when he steps away from being her lover and uses a fatherly dominant energy of control with her, causing her to feel unheard and not important/valuable. Trust is broken when passion is squelched (no matter the logical reasons behind it), it is diminished when intimacy is booted by stress release. When boundaries are crossed. In any moment that the feminine feels misplaced, a piece of meat, property, misunderstood, like a naive little girl or threatened, when he walks away from her pain, tears, voice and needs (even if she commands him to go) trust takes a massive hit to the gut.

For men trust is broken when a woman fights for Alfa dog role, when she belittles him and questions his every motive. When she is overly motherly, dominant and superficial with her feelings. Every time a woman pulls away her love and softness from her lover his trust in the relationship, in the security of love and her heart is threatened. Her harshness shuns trust and forces disconnect.

For both man and woman, trust is damaged when expectation is placed on our lover or the relationship. If we have a painting in our head of how our partner should show up in the relationship at all times, how they should behave, or what the relationship should look like in any fashion we set ourselves up for failure. Another major trust killer is establishing false hopes. By this I mean promises. Often we promise our lover that we will do or not do this or that. It can be the simplest of items, from I promise to get in shape and take better care of myself to setting goals repeatedly for financial rewards or promising a romantic trip or family vacation. False promises no matter how real they may appear to the one stating them can be pushed out to a degree but repeatedly stating and pushing out, making excuses for why they did not materialize will only add to the breakdown of trust.

For woman to open to trust she must be willing to open to vulnerability.

For man to open to trust he must be willing to surrender to his woman’s vulnerability.

The great feminine craves a strong, dependable masculine who WILL NOT waiver from his love with her. Whom is willing to jump through the flames of her pained heart and past and break her open to the orgasm of life. She craves his heartbeat to guide her, lead her and to have the passionate taker of her feminine reigns ignite her creative juices and dance through life’s rollercoaster ride.

The great masculine longs for heartfelt support, he needs at his core to be brought out of the dark logical aspects of life that cause him tension and stress and to be opened to his woman’s bliss and surrender to him. He craves to be nourished in her bosom and replenished from her loves nectar. He needs the safety of her openness and radiance in order to be the knight that she desires.

Steps to Prevention

  • Hire slow, fire fast if need be.
  • Limit expectations of lover, self and relationship
  • Take responsibility for your own happiness first. Looking for another to fulfill your happiness is only going to lead you to a painful situation.
  • Discuss boundaries and honor them at all cost.
  • Discuss roles in family/relationship. What is each party comfortable with?
  • Make time for love, sex, intimacy and fighting.
  • Be willing and even hungry to stand in your partners fires.
  • Lean into love when it is the hardest thing to do and you want to run.
  • Never accept a surface answer from your woman.
  • Never chase your man, give space without question.
  • Communicate. Communicate.
  • Learn to accept that men and woman are wired differently.

Remember that what you need and crave the most form your partner will show up as your greatest irritation as well: Women most of you want a leader, provider, and protector, strong in himself man, you do not truly want someone who can be whipped and dominated. You want a man that will stand there and take your heat, support you’re breaking down in hormonal imbalance and passionately take you into new realms of pleasure as well. You want someone who will be your best friend and make you laugh as well as a man who will sacrifice his very life to save yours. This can translate to: Why is he so focused on blah, blah, he is detached, being an asshole, being childish, making light of a heavy situation, over sexed, etc.

Men, most of you want a woman who is open with her radiance, she lights up the room and takes your breath away, she is nourishing, supportive, warm, and soft. She is creative and fluid. She hears you and gives you space, she challenges you but does not fight you on being the man, and she is passionate and surrenders to your leadership. She trusts you. This can translate to moodiness, crazy female shit, motherly, protective, short tempered, flaky or blonde, needy, high maintenance, driven.


Constantly reevaluate all the above. Never take anything for granted.

Silence or lack of input is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

If you ask your partner, how am I doing, how are we doing, what can I improve, or if you feel a disconnect and you ask your partner if there is anything you can do, get better at or what they feel needs work on in the relationship and the answer is : “It’s (you/me) are all good. There is nothing that needs improvement. I am happy, no complaints.” Then it’s time to call BULLSHIT!

There is ALWAYS a need for improvement, communication and vulnerability.

Otherwise kiss each other goodbye, because the door just slammed shut and it is 7 years later!





Two Keys to Relating

intimacyspiritualIntimacy and trust. The two key ingredients to a healthy, strong, loving and passionate relationship. These two items go hand in hand and are a catch 22 in relating. If you start to loose one the other is right behind it and vise verse, you also need one to make the other happen.

Intimacy is not just about sex either, although in our world today when someone speaks of intimacy they are speaking of sexual intimacy often. It is valuable to truly understand that intimacy is something that is needed to feel connected, understood, valued and secure in all relating.

Just this last weekend we had a dear friend come to the Orgasm Camp workshop and stay after for socializing and dinner. She is an Intimacy Coach and during our dinner preparations I was playing with our 15 month old son, Jessica (our friend) made the comment that she could tell that I was not just a parent to my children that I was also their friend. She stated that we treated the children like real people not “kids.” What she was seeing was the intimacy shared between parent and child. Something that I have been conscious of harvesting in my relationships with all six of my children. It is something that when I look out into the world I do not see in the paradigm of parent/child. The average parenting structure has the child as a lower species of human-hood, there are walls that are put in place, things that are not discussed because a child could never understand this or that and children are talked down to instead of communicated with in authenticity. Parents try to hide their own short comings and mistakes and even try to repair what they feel they did wrong in their youth by “protecting” otherwise known as controlling their own children from doing the same instead of openly communicating with them and building trust and intimacy. Here is where I strongly differ (granted I may be wrong in my beliefs but parenting truly is a science where we all wager our upbringing skills on a hypothesis), I believe in building intimacy and trust. This comes through authentic living which transfers as authentic relating even with my child. Never shutting down about where I am , what is happening, and never shaming or having misguided expectations. Recognizing that my child has to make mistakes no matter their age in order to learn and grow. Supporting individualism. Communicating life lessons at a level that each of my children can understand for where they are at, EVEN if that is having a sex talk with them.
Through this sort of authentic relating I have preventing many barriers from forming and have kept the communication lines open. So much so that my oldest two daughters (now 17 and 19) have had the ability to trust in me enough and know that we share the intimacy needed for them to bring difficult issues into the court, from the first time they had sex, to things they have experimented with, sexual trauma, jealousy issues, physical changes happening, and even their first G-spot orgasm. Most parents in todays culture would have a tough time hearing their daughter speak openly about the pleasure they experienced and how amazing it was during a G-spot orgasm, they certainly would not want to have to give further advise as to how to achieve this state again. Yet in my household, these two young women get the opportunity to grow, question, experience and be supported instead of being shamed for their sexuality as women.

I have always stated that I am a realist. I know that our youth is a time of great exploration and teenagers and young adults will certainly experiment and learn things from somewhere, so why not support healthy exploration backed by authentic, unconditional loving instead of shaming, guilting and disconnecting?

This same dynamic can be brought into our intimate affairs with a lover. How do we communicate with them? Do we allow them to be of individual thought, need and life experience without shaming, guilting or disconnecting no matter how they choose to show up in the moment or do we try and change them and make our expectations and needs greater then what they can deliver? DO we hold space for our lover to experience what they need in any given moment or do we demand for things to be as we believe they should?

I am not saying that we have to support without end a decision or action of a loved one, child or lover alike. I am not saying that we have to agree or even pretend to agree with them. What I am saying is that we need to open the channels of authentic communication and hold our hearts open in the most challenging of times. This is true unconditional loving, something that the majority of relationships have never experienced, because what we think is love is actually need, and in our needing we distort our partners, or anyone else that we are in a love based relationships with and put false hopes and expectations on them that they CANNOT often meet. We are dependent on them to make us happy instead of taking care of our own happiness. When our needs are suddenly not met and the veil of illusion that WE ourselves put there starts to come down, we loose trust and intimacy and point the finger at the other blaming them for the suffering that we are now feeling. This is where we loose ourselves further, often find that our relationship was built on sand with no stable foundation and question why we even trusted in this person.

Building true intimacy and trust is not easy but it is simple.

There are steps for building the foundation for authentic loving and relating so that we can have a sacred relationship with all the people in our lives.

Among these steps are:

Conscious Living = Conscious Relating
Integrity in Action and Communication
Holding Space
Standing in the Fire
Dedication to Life and Unconditional Love before the Relationship

Learn more on how you can have an Authentic, Sacred Relationship in your Love Life and in ALL relating on October 1st, 2014…

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