TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.

TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.

Today is a really interesting day for me.
It marks my one year of one of the most traumatic events I have had happen in a relationship so far. It also marks my one year of a massive transformation period, new growth and opportunity blended with trauma and needed healing.

Today I sit here at Starbucks after dropping my youngest son off to his father ( the man I fell out of relationship a year ago today).
It was brutal to drop him off today.
My heart actually still hurts from this mornings exchange.

Our son age four, ran to the back seat of my car as we pulled into daddy’s driveway and he screamed, “I don’t want to go to daddy’s house.” he got so frustrated, clung to the rear seat with all the force his little body could muster and screamed, “No Mommy.”

I grabbed him up, hugged him. Told him that I loved him and that I would see him later today and then he would be back at mommy’s house on Wednesday. He clung to my neck and fought profusely to hold on to me as his father took him out of my arms.

I never wanted any of this for my baby.
I don’t believe that any of us parents ever want this sort of emotional pain on our children. I don’t believe that my ex desires this trauma to come up on our son either.
And yet it still falls here.

Today, I find myself sitting here upset at my son’s pain.
Wishing I could do more for him.
Wishing that us adults who have brought this on him could have communicated better about what we wanted from each other and how we wanted out of our relationship before it came to violence as it did and a nasty, terrorizing breakup that will last a life time for our children emotionally not to mention the physical repercussions that are still being dealt with for myself.

I sit here still wondering how I could not have realized more so as to where my ex was at.
Wondering why he had to act out in violence and rage the way he did one year ago today.
Why it was so important for him to push me and all the children away with such extreme measures.
Why could he just not simply say that he wanted out and we move onto separate paths in peace and harmony, working together for the greatest good of all the children and each other.

I knew he was unhappy in our relationship.
I knew he wanted out.
He did not even desire to want to spend 30 minutes a week with me alone even though this had become a consistent request and desire of mine. He could not stomach to sit by me and watch TV, he wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sex that was two sided, only wanted to get off and be done. Would roll away in disgust after pushing me away like trash after he had reached climax.
He became rageful with friends and emotionally and physically aggressive toward his step-children. He was hateful and I told myself that he was stressed about work, money, health, anything but the truth was what I proclaimed.

The signs were there.
They were in front of my blind eyes and desire to make it all work for us.
The more committed I became to our relationship and requested time and connection,
the more he pushed away in anger.

And now,
a year later I see the truth.
I see his pattern that he had to enforce.
I see the pain that he must be in.
And I am grateful that even though that was a brutal time and experience,
even though there is still much healing that needs done for self and children.

I am grateful that I never lost who I was,
I never lost love,
I never lost my family or friends,
and I can do the healing and I understand at a deep level the power of emotions,
the importance of knowing self and NOT hiding from myself and feelings.
I am grateful that I was given a powerful opportunity last year to stand up and be 100% me.
The last year has offered me so many blessings that would have never come about had he not caved to his patterns and needs to push love away, to push so hard that he was the one to be abandoned in the experience by everyone. To repeat the trauma from his youth. And to create an experience that supported his belief that the feminine always leaves him.

I see now how he had to push that hard.
I am too stubborn to leave when I still love.
I believed it could be fixed,
I believed that he was not lying when he said that he loved me more than anyone else.
I strangely believed in us and in him.

But today,
today I stand in gratitude for the 7 years of learning,
of experience and growth,
for the birth of my two youngest angels that i would not trade for anything.

Today I stand here in gratitude for his push.
Busted up body and everything,
it was worth it.
Because I found my true strength.
I found my heart.
My SOUL.
And tapped into allowing myself, to be me without needing another.
There is great beauty in the darkest of clouds if you allow yourself to see it and you allow time to step you back far enough to see the whole sky and it’s beauty.

Life is one BIG TRUST EXERCISE.
And today,
I am reminded of the trust and faith that I had to muster up at one of my lowest, scariest points in life so far.
Today, I choose to focus on that reminder.
To focus on the gratitude and the opportunities that have come from this event, like any event in our lives.
Today I choose to look at my blessed life.
The steady massive love that I experience from family, friends and the wonderful man I have in my life currently.
The AMAZING tribe that I have developed and all the growth that I am seeing in my business and life.
The wealth of connection, joy and the laughter that resides in my home daily that was not there a year ago or before.
My creativity at an all time high.
The beauty and bounty that is in each step on this journey.

Today I want to say THANK YOU to the man that tossed me to the side last year, who tried to destroy me and all that we had built together.
From that rubble grew a rose garden.

MY ROSE GARDEN.

Thank you for my pain.
Thank you for my suffering.
Thank you for the trauma.
Thank you for the goodbye.
I am so effing happy with my life TODAY!

My question to you that I share this with today is,
what are you doing with your trauma, drama and pain? Does it hold you back or build you up?

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

It’s time that you start to say YES to the most important person in the room beautiful. It’s time that you accept your worth, and step onto this path that your SOUL is calling you too.

I know how hard the steps may appear.
I know that you are fearful, that you doubt if you have what it takes to make this shiz happen for you or not.

But I promise you that YOU can do it.
You can have it.The first step though is to recognize that you must let go and have faith in your process of getting there.

Listen to your SOUL and follow it’s lead.

Imagine having a coach who has been on a similar path guide you, help you discover the deeper meanings of what soul is wanting you to know.

What would it feel like to have that sort of support and guidance?

You can have this.
Message me for deet’s on 1:1 Private mentoring and coaching today.

Why I always called my ex-husband after having HIGH VIBE sex….

Why I always called my ex-husband after having HIGH VIBE sex….

Say WHAT?🤯
Okay today I am going to share an intimacy tale with you that I have shared with very few, but it is time for me to be vulnerable and share this as so often we are guilty of doing this very thing in different ways.

Let me paint you a picture.🌃

” My hands take his face and pulls him close for a kiss that not only is connective but penetrates my heart and soul. Our breath intertwines in this moment and becomes one. I can feel our souls dancing in this celebration of love and my body opens to him. My legs soften and open wider, my pelvis tilts as I pull him in. I can feel him enter me and we both gasp with pleasure from the sensation that pours through our beings, the sensation of coming home.

He moves his body in gentle thrusts while holding me. Hand in my hair, hand on my hip. My hips and whole body fluidly moves with each of his thrusts as we gaze deeply into each others eyes, amazed at how connected we are; how our hearts long to orgasm into rapture with each other. He presses deeper into my pussy as though he want to touch my heart with his cock. His pelvis rubs on my clit, his breath comes down on my neck and with each stroke I feel myself surrendering at intense levels. My pussy now wants to devour him, wants to swallow him as she pulls him to the deepest levels possible and the head of his cock rubs gently on my cervix.

Minutes turn into hours, orgasmic waves roll through my whole being and force me into greater ecstasy as he fiercely but gently fucks me open. Here we are two flesh’s, two hearts, two souls yet married together through our sexing. The spiritual dance and penetration that we give to each other is untouchable. Our breathing becomes united, my pussy clenches then pushes, quivers then squirts its sweet amrita. His cock becomes harder in these moments and the vibrations of his love expand out and penetrate my pelvis. I can feel the intensity of his love and the orgasmic energy coming up my spine. He pulls me in, holds my hands down and firmly whispers his demand in my ear, “ Give me your orgasm.“

“Give me your orgasm. Give it to me. I want to feel you cum on my cock.”

My body quivers, my breathing becomes short and tense for a moment. The building of climax that was there, is now at its peak. I can feel the sharpness of orgasm trying to escape from my clit as he rubs across it. My nipples are swollen and his chest hair is almost to much sensation, but as they tickle my flesh the shaking of my thighs and pussy bursts into bliss. Air is released from my mouth, my chest softens, my hands drop down to the bed and he continues to stroke.

Each stroke although soft and delicate in this moment does not let me relax but keeps my orgasm in a soft wave where he can play me like an instrument beneath him to his will and desire. Where he can command me with his divine masculine to give him my orgasm. Over and over again, he strokes me into submission.”

Okay so you get the picture, right?
It was hot.
It was intense.
It was f-cking AMAZING!
It was passionate, present, INTIMATE and HIGH VIBE!
So much so that with this particular lover,
we were in such alignment,
the love was so deep and penetrative,
we had many moments where the smell of roses would waft up from our love making as though were making love in a bed of them.

Not a rose in sight…🌹🌹🌹
Though???

~That is HIGH VIBE SEX~

Now here is where things get interesting though.
Here is where I sorta loose my mind.

After such a deeply intimate high vibe experience with my lover,
for a few years I felt drawn to call my ex-husband while driving home from my lovers house back to mine.

Crazy huh?
Yet there,
it was no matter the hour of the day or night,
I would find myself being guided off to call my ex.
Logically I would tell myself,

“You are on top of the world right now. You need to check in with him in regards to the children or what have you ANYWAY, and RIGHT NOW nothing can get you down. You can handle his low energy, and can maybe even give him a positive boost. Call.”

And so I would call him.

And we would speak. And we would talk about what ever.
He quickly picked up on the fact that I was calling after being with this particular lover who would have my heart and soul hanging from the heavens in ecstasy and I think he got to a point where he consciously allowed himself to bask in that turned on, pumped up HIGH VIBE I was offering.

But what it took me a few years to grasp was WHY I was being called to reach out to him after having these powerful emotional, sexual, energetic experiences with my lover?

You see, after I got about three quarts of the way in on a phone call to my ex-husband, my HIGH VIBE would not be nearly as HIGH.

My turned on state would not be turned on, it would be maybe comfortable, happy but not ecstatic any longer.

My focus, my clarity and creativity that the love making had opened up to me would dissipate.

I was in an essence GIVING MY POWER.
My ORGASM.
MY TURNED ON ENERGY.
MY HIGH VIBE away for free to him.

So why would I do this?
Its crazy.

I did it because as much as I enjoyed all that I was feeling,
all the creative flow and open heartedness. The spiritual alignment.

I was UNCOMFORTABLE holding this energy in my being.
It was still foreign to feel so good.

I almost had shame wrapped up around my feel good.
Guilt in the fact that I was so happy, turned on, orgasmic.
As though I did not deserve it.

And because FEELING GOOD was so hard to hold in my body, I did what I had to do to get back into my comfort zone. I drained myself.

And this is the point I want to share with you today.

So often we humans are more comfortable with LOW VIBE than HIGH VIBE.

We may question ourselves or others as to,

“Why are you so happy?”

We make statements such as,
“What have you been smoking?”

If someone brags a little too much about themselves or shows a little too much pride in something of theirs our response is,

“Think much of yourself?”

We have been programmed to believe that being to happy,
being in love with ourselves,
being proud of ourselves,
is bad.

Thus when we access these higher levels of vibration,
energy, emotion, alignment,
we feel uncomfortable.
We look for what is wrong with it.
We expect the bottom to drop out.
For it to be hoax.
Or something.
It cannot be right, true or our norm.

And so, before we can experience a let down.
Before it is taken from us.
We subconsciously look for ways to off set it.
To level ourselves out.

When if we wanted to grow ourselves,
to be more comfortable in HIGH VIBE,
and live an ecstatic life,
that F-ck YES! Life I am always preaching about,
what one would need to do,
would instead of letting the energy out in some way,
would be to HOLD the experience.

Hold the FEELING.
Hold the EMOTION.
Hold the DESIRE to SHARE.
Hold speaking.

Build up your ENERGETIC Muscles you could say.
GROW your SPIRITUAL BODY.

And in growing your spiritual body and energetic muscles,
you get more and more comfortable with HIGH VIBE Living.

You grow to expect it.
To desire it.
And guess what?

You start to manifest more of it.
Because it becomes your norm.

And whatever your normal is,
Is exactly what you get more of.
Because it is what you expect to get.

Where are you draining your HIGH VIBE?

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Why are you settling for a small lifeless life? Are you sitting back night after night, watching Netflix and the news, playing games on Facebook and scrolling through your feed, wishing that you knew what to do and how to achieve something MORE. In the back of your mind is there a small voice whispering that it is possible, but the world around you is screaming that it is absurd to want anything other than what you already have?

So do you continue on with your lifeless life and allow the beauty of what could be, to be stripped away from your soul yet another year?

Living for the weekends.

Living for the holidays.

Living for that 2 weeks of vacation.

Living for the 5 o’clock hour where we can dart off to our local little watering hole and sit with others who are in the same constricting shoes of this life.

This is NOT Orgasmic Freedom Based Living!

This sure the effing is NOT!

We have grown so comfortable to reside here in hell. We actually have brainwashed ourselves to BELIEVE that this is what living is. We have come to terms with the supposed facts of this delusional state of existing and many of us have no clue how to live outside of this illusion.

So we sign another year long lease and get comfortable in our suffering.

It does not have to be this way though. At any given moment in time we have the ability and choice to WAKE THE F*CK UP! and choose differently. God gave us free will so that we could overcome the evils of this land. The only thing asked of us is to BECOME CONSCIOUS. This is the only step needed to turn the corner to a new life and RECEIVE all the blessings that you crave.

YES! all you have to do to live in orgasm every day and in every moment is to become conscious and choose differently.

You must choose the higher ground which is the ground of not accepting a small life. Not accepting AVERAGE and ORDINARY. Not accepting what the evils of the world would have you believe is living.

Explore Feel Good Now!

 

*Thank you Photographyinwonderland. for the photoshoot

The Goldilocks Mindset of Dating

“I want a man who is faithful.
I want a man who is dependable.
A man who is kind.
Who loves my children.
And is strong in integrity.

I want a man who is confident.
I want a man who is passionate.
A man who makes me laugh.
And generous with his time,his resources, his love.

I want a man that listens, that I can tell anything too.
A man that is romantic.
Good in bed.
A man that will help around the house and can cook.
I want a man who has a purpose and is driven.
Is financially stable.

I want a man who is tall.
I want a man with a handsome face.
I want man who cares for his body.
Is muscular and makes me feel safe.
I want a man who has a good sense of style.

I want a man who loves the outdoors.
But also loves fine dining and has good etiquette.
I want a man who loves adventure.
Who wants and can travel the world with me.

I want a man that has freedom.
I want a man who will treat me like his queen.
I want a man who respects me.
I want a man who does not want to control me.
I want a man who is spiritually sound.

I want….
And I want it ALL from YOU!”

Read that list ladies and gents.
I could write it about what men want as well.

It’s hard to read that list and believe that one person could fulfill all of those desires.
It’s hard to believe because no one person can.
Sure we can fulfill some of those all of the time,
and other’s of those some of the time,
but can one person ever fulfill all of those all of the time?
And should it be put on someone to do such a thing?

A hefty list of expectations I do say.
And it’s my list.
And my list has about thirty more very specific things on it as well.
And what I am looking for at the end of my list is more important than any of the specific things on it.
And that is alignment.

I want a man who is aligned to his purpose.
I want a man that is SOUL ALIGNED.

What this desire will give is all of the above and then some, but in the perfect harmony that is right for him and for myself.
Perfect for the moment.
I also, do not expect for a man to have everything on my list.
There are things that I am willing to look at,
to not need because they are not high priorities.
And then there are the things that are CRUCIAL.

And how do I know that these things are crucial?

Because I am like Goldilocks in dating.

I have come to realize that dating is about figuring out what you like,
what you don’t like,
what is cool,
what is not cool,
what aligns to you or not.

Dating is about sampling everything you can at the buffet and figuring out what has that more flavor and what makes you want to puke.

The biggest challenge in dating is that it takes time and energy.
It requires patients.
It requires one getting to know yourself.
And getting right with who you are first, before trying to find someone else to fill in your gaps for you.

Dating offers you the ability to meet yourself in so many ways.

I f-cking LOVE dating!
And maybe that is why I am so good at it.
And why I have no issue finding incredible men of all types with a flip of my hair it seems.

It’s true though.
I am often shocked at how many people have difficulty with dating.
And often after speaking to them about it,
the basis of their issues is that they don’t really like people or they don’t really love themselves.
Often some combination of the two.

How are you to ever meet someone worth while,
someone that has anything you want from your list,
if you hate people.
All you will ever discover is characteristics that you hate.
Because that is what you are focused on.
Or if you don’t have self-esteem or love of self,
then how will you ever meet someone who is confident, passionate, loving, giving or takes care of themselves?

You have to be matching what you want to call in.

So back to the Goldilocks Mindset on Dating.

The concept here is simple.
Get to know what you want.
What you need.
What you desire.
And who the f-ck you are.
By dating many, many, people.

And DO NOT get committed quickly.
Dating is all about getting to know someone and letting yourself be revealed as you go.
These two things will never happen over night.
Matter a fact it has been proven that new relationship energy (NRE) takes about 18 months to 3 years to wear off. This is that energy that you feel when you are just getting to know someone one. Where the rose tinted glasses are still on. They can do hardly anything wrong and you make excuses for them left and right, make assumptions about things and don’t really see clearly the love that is before you. This is the time in a relationship that you are living a storybook.

And then one day you wake up and you meet this new person, you wonder where he/she has been hiding the last year or two, and who took away your beautiful mate that was oh so perfect. Now the real stuff comes out and you get to actually get into relationship with the person.

Well if you were dating like Goldilocks,
then you would not be putting all your hopes, needs and desires onto one person.
You would not be looking at the person you are just meeting with hungry eye’s of, “oh please be the one and make my misery of dating be over.”
You would not be so willing to sell yourself short of the quality of a mate that you so badly want.
You would not be so quick to change yourself to try and match someone who is not in alignment to your soul or heart,
and instead you would look at each person who you explored as a beautiful experience for the moment.
One that was there to reveal to you things about yourself.
About desires that you have.
About the life that you want to live.
The relationship that you want to have.
And you would be in gratitude for all the things brought to the table of you relating with them,
no matter how you perceived them in the moment.

If you were dating like Goldilocks,
you most certainly would not sell out to the first bowl of porridge that presented itself to you, or the first bed that looked good but maybe did not feel just right in some way.

No, you would love yourself enough to take your sweet time to get the relationship that was in SOUL ALIGNMENT.

You would try out many different scenarios.
You would explore lot’s of different flavors.
And you would allow yourself to gain clarity on what felt best to you.

You would be unconditional in your dating.
With limited expectations,
and only a desire to reveal and be revealed.
Authentically.

The Mindset of Goldilocks in dating is all about exploration.
It is a mindset of learning about self.
It is a mindset that does not entertain scarcity.
It is knowing that “The ONE” will come when you truly love self and know thy self. When you you are vibing at the level that you magnetize him/her to you.
In ease.
Anything before then will be about seeing where you are vibing at and learning more about what you like or dislike.

And you would do it all in YOUR OWN TIME.
Not some predetermined social idea of when it should happen or guidelines as to what some story line says it “should.”

So for all you single’s out there who are looking for that special someone and believe that you are running out of time,
ready to give up or cut yourself short on what you want in a relationship,
let me share this concept with you and let me assure you that you are worth a beautiful relationship.
One that has so much of what you want and then some.
You can have it all.
And you will.
As long as you learn how to approach love and relationship with unconditional relating and a focus of self-love and honor first.

Remember that you call into your life that, that you focus on most.

So where has your focus gotten you?

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Message me for deet’s on my VIP 1:1 Coaching now.

 

Watch Variety Creates Desire Now.

This is what you want in a partner.

From Guest Author Addison Bell

It’s all fun and games until you actually have to deal with the other side.

You sit and desire certain characteristics of those in your life, and especially out of a romantic partner. Yet, I daresay that many times you are asking for a mess of contradictions.

Its easy to look at some aspirational values and personality traits and think that this is exactly what you want to pull into your life but if you aren’t careful you will end up pulling in exactly what you don’t desire.

And the funny thing is that your Ego would probably throw a tantrum and say, “But I do do desire it, I do want that, I can hold that person” but in the end you really can’t handle it.

You might desire someone who is playful and has that flirty personality that makes you feel all bubbly inside… until they are flirty and playful with others and it smacks right into your jealousy and trust issues.

You might desire someone that knows how to act like a “lady” or “gentleman” when you are out in public and can hold the proper level of poise… until they are always poised and never able to let go of that persona (even in the bedroom).

You might desire someone that has their own life and is more free flowing with the relationship. Someone that isn’t that awful word “clingy”… until they can’t be there and support you the way that you need and you never truly feel held.

And really any trait that you desire in a partner is going to have the opposite side.

It is pretty commonly known from a psychological perspective that in relationships the aspects that often attract you to your partner are also the very same aspects that can cause the greatest struggle.

There is that old saying about how men should want a lady in the streets and a freak in the streets.

We want our partners to be both sides of a coin….
And most of the time it can mean the destruction of a relationship!

Now, thankfully we are complex beings and so are not one thing or the other. If you take the above example of having a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets… I know many women that are able to present one aspect of themselves when out at dinner parties and then turn around and have a mind-blowing sexual evening with a partner. Both are authentically them and both are aspects of who they ae.

Though these women have also worked through the stereotypes that come with both sides of the coin and know where they are authentically.

Though, lets be honest, yes I mean really honest here…

Most people are NOT doing deep personal work on a daily basis. And most people are not willing to look at when their ego’s arise in relationships. So when an aspect that is a turn on in one sense becomes a turn-off… we blame that other person. We don’t look at ourselves and where WE might be the ones that have unspoken expectations.

Many times we even struggle to admit where we struggle in relationships and where our ego’s simply can’t handle something.

You want a partner that is free, playful, open-minded but then when this pushes on your jealousy, your need for attention, and your belief that there is a certain way to “do” relationships…

Can you actually look yourself in the face or actually look that other person and say, “I don’t want you to be so free”. “I wish you weren’t so playful”, “I want you to be open-minded but just not about this topic”.

Most would look at the other person as the issue and not be able to truly say… “I am not able to hold this aspect of you”.

Again, we are complex and hold so many intricacies. Each person, situation, and experience will present a different expression of self. So what fits and is a desire with one partner or relationship could be entirely different than what fits and is a desire in another relationship.

In truth it all comes back (as always) to self and looking deep within ones self authentically. What are we desiring in our relationships? And then looking at if we truly could hold that characteristic in another if it presented to us. Where would our ego get shaken? What are non-negotiable in our relationships?

If you want freedom… how free?
If you want play… how playful?
If you want stable… how stable?
If you want sexy… how sexy?

What can you truly, honestly, at your core hold?
Get honest with yourself! And start doing your inner work to help you be able to look within when situations arise.

And more than even that…
Get honest with self when someone presents something that truly won’t fit with you and your life. Don’t pretend to be okay with something that is a hard NO. This will only push you further and further out of alignment from self.

Most importantly LOVE self first and foremost. When we do this we are most able to be authentic, honest, and love another. Even if the way we are loving that other is by letting them go and be who they are authentically.

Sending you all…

Love, Light, & Blessings,
Addison

Sex, Love and Fear.

Snuggles.
Intimacy.
Kisses.
Time shared.
SEX!

Mmmmmmmm….. sounds good, huh?
Sounds like something you want.
That you desire more of in your life.
Me too!

I sit here this morning contemplating so many things,
and I often find myself excavating past lessons so that I do not repeat them in current time and space.
As I analyze things, especially how I choose to do relationship I see how difficult I might be to have a serious one with.
And I do not believe that it is the fact that I enjoy multiple people in my life that is the difficult thing.
What is difficult for most is my integrity about it.
I share openly about my feelings.
About my past.
About my desires.
I share how I feel.

The issue is that we are taught that we should not want anything more than the relationship we have.
That the relationship we have is to complete us,
to make us happy, and to provide all our needs.
If it does not then under no conditions should you turn to someone else to get this met.
ESPECIALLY someone you may be attracted too or them to you.

I hear the statement,
” Be cautious of the situation you put yourself in.”

I hear the concern in this statement.
I hear the plea of if you hang around people you like, are attracted too then you may stray,
and straying equates to you leaving.
Because you have to make a choice.
Because there is ONLY so much love to go around.
Because you cannot have multiple relationships successfully.
Because it makes ME uncomfortable.

Okay, here is where I get a little uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable in my truth.

My truth is that I can NEVER go back to a way of living where I shut myself down from the world,
from other people,
and/or from men.
I f-cking love my male friends and lovers.
Whether current lovers of not, I may be enjoying time with them.
And when it is imposed on me that I need to not do this,
I feel shackles being put on me and on my emotions,
my heart,
my desires,
my energy.
And YES you better believe I will be making a choice.

I am poly my nature.
In all things I do.

I do love many.
I do enjoy many.
And may be likely to have intimacies in multiple ways with a few.

The one’s who capture my heart,
capture my essence for a season of our lives dancing together,
are the one’s who are confident enough in themselves and who get the difference between love and need.
Who can embrace my feminine wave of love.
These are the ones or THE ONE that will hold me a lifetime.

Now I am not speaking on sex here.
When I say intimacy,
I mean depth in revealing.
Sex can be this intimacy,
however sexing will only be as deep and intimate as we allow ourselves to be revealed in it.
Sex can just be that, sex.
It can be friction based and meaningless.

Sex does not mean love.
Sex does not mean commitment.
Sex does not mean intimacy.

Sex is a communication tool,
a physical communication tool .
And if you show up at only a surface level in your daily interactions with a lover,
then your sexing will only mimic the same.
Surface sex.
If you have depth, intimacy, surrender, authenticity in your daily interactions then your sex can go to this level as well,
or it can still be held in a place of disconnect if we are letting everything be heard in other ways but are scared to speak our truth in the bedroom.

Sex DOES NOT mean intimacy.
or love.

It can however deepen our intimacy and love.
It all depends on our level of surrender with our partner.

In the land of poly,
many believe that poly means to have multiple sexual partners. But this is not true,
poly is about something much more frightening than sex.
It is about LOVE.

Loving multiples.
And in love we can go deep with someone,
and we might open the gateway to sex.
Good sex.
Might I even say gourmet sex?
Because of the love,
because of the more authentic relating.

But poly DOES NOT equate to sex,
lot’s of sex,
or sex with many.

You can be monogamous in your sexing, 
and polyamorous in your relating and intimacy sharing.

And you can have success in this.
Just like you can have success in an open relationship with open sexing, or a swinging relationship.
Just like you can have success in a monogamous relationship.

A successful relationship is not about the sexual labels you put on it.

It is based on the confidence that each party has in themselves first, the self-love they have, and their ability to show up authentically in the realtionship. Which means authentic communication.

Year spent together does not equate a successful relationship.

Happiness does.
Unconditional love, and forward moving growth,
individually and together gives you opportunity to have this.

The most happy people on the planet are the one’s who have multiple close relationships. The healthiest people are the same.
Healthy mentally, emotionally and physically.
All requires intimacy shared.

Closing yourself off to the world is a death sentence in an essence.

Closing yourself off to the world and ONLY allowing intimacy to be shared with but ONE is putting all your eggs in one basket and putting an unrealistic expectation on the ONE. As well, as expecting that you as an individual can survive with only this one food source.

Because relationships are food.
They are emotional, mental, spiritual food.
They effect our body, mind and soul.
They impact us at a deep level.
And not having them does not mean that we are not effected.
Avoidance of relationship DOES equate avoidance of your heart and soul.
It is hiding from all the intimacy and truth that you are meant to share.

We hide out of fear of getting hurt.
We choose to not get involved,
to not catch feelings,
out of fear of getting burned.

If we do step into a relationship,
we then revamp our whole world and expect our partner to do the same, by not having relationship outside of the primary relationship. Often this simply means to pull away from anyone that there may potentially be “feelings” for.
And we do this out of fear.
Fear of loss.
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of having too much love.
We close off because our ego’s affirm to us that it is not safe to love.

NEWSFLASH!
Love will not hurt you.
Love is not limited.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” ( 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

So why do we fear it so?
Why do we handcuff it so?
Why do we cover it with our self-centered need?

Because we do not understand.
And we equate many a thing to be love.
We fear what we do not know.
We fear what we cannot control.
We fear that we will loose if we love,
therefore we choose to turn our backs on love,
as we embrace its doppelganger of lust and need.

Authentic loving,
is authentic relating.
Authentic intimacies,
come in many ways and are what brings joy and surrender to all relationship.

Sex is never a reason to fear loss.
Love will never create loss.

The only reasons we change seasons with a relationship is because we have either out grown the relationship or have not grown to the next level within it,
or it was based on need ( not love) and those needs are no longer being met.

Level up your love life,
by tapping into your authentic self.
Embody yourself and open to love.
This is the answer to your happily ever after.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

If you are ready to make the leap then reach out to me today. I am running a Christmas special where you get 2-months of coaching for FREE. Check it out and use the SANTAGIFT code in the why you want to work with me section.

Warrior of the Goddesses Heart

I know what I want.
I know my desire.
I feel my heart yearning.
Calling for me to breathe,
breathe life back into it.
To not fear love.
Or to be loved.
To not belittle love,
offered at my doorway.

I hear my lovers words,
the sweetness they make,
the commitment they stand before,
the desire that erupts in them,
and the love.
The love that they are carried on.

I hear him share his heart,
I feel his soul hold space,
for me as I share in return.
I share my fear.
I share my struggle,
I share my desire.
And I want to run.

Can he be the one that can hold me?
Is he willing to really love me?
Or will he crumble
from my weight,
the weight of who I am
and all I want to become.

His words are nothing new to my ears.
Unfortunate tales that many a sailor in my feminine currents have sung before him.

They all long to be the one.
They long to capture my heart.

They enjoy my body,
they are intrigued by my mind,
they get lifted by my spirit,
but they know that the true battle,
the crusade is for my heart.

And it is a heart that has been scorned,
a heart that has been tossed away as it opened deeper.

My lover looks at me with loving eyes,
he aims to penetrate my soul,
he desires for me to feel his commitment,
his certainty,
he is confident that he can hold me
and dance in my fire.

His voice echos words of my past loves.
He shares he does not want me to change.
He does not want to control me.
That he,
yes he can love me and I am not to much.

I feel his heart,
I hear his belief,
but these words are easy to say,
while you sit by the fire and get caught up in its mystery.
What will he do when my fire escapes its container?
What will he do when it desires to over take his heart?
When it burns,
burns in its glory,
in its beauty.

Sure he will enjoy its dance,
but will he be able to handle it being ignited?

Through time and space we dance,
we open and close.
I look away but for a second,
as I sense him leaning in.
My soul wants to be taken.
My heart wants to be penetrated.
But alas,
the fear conquers them.
It masks the emotions that beg to be seen,
and it makes me retreat.

Retreat once again,
I will.
Back into my lonely cave.
Where I feel safe.
Safe in my not having.
Safe in my not being seen,
if even for a bit longer.
Yet he still see’s me.
And I know this.
He leans in further,
his lips softly open,
he asks for a kiss.

My heart shakes,
it rumbles in fear and excitement.
For all it ever wants,
wants to be chased,
wants to be desired,
wants to be opened,
wants to not be given up on.

In its wanting,
he steps a bit further into the fire,
and proclaims his presence.
Asking for my depth.
Asking for my emotion.
Asking for my fire.

And so it is,
that I breathe in.
Just one breath,
just one perhaps.

And answer him in the only way I can,
in this moment.
This perfect moment of our lives.

“As you wish.”
Comes from my lips as we meet once again.

————————–————————–

To all those who have loved and lost,
loved deeper than they can ever share,
who have tasted true love and will never settle for anything less than.

To all those who have stood in the goddesses fire,
who have been burned, who have been mesmerized by its flames and desired to conquer it.

To all those who want to feel its ignition,
who believe that they can hold it.
And dance with it.

Much love to you this day.
Open yourselves to love,
as it is what makes you feel alive.
It births your soul into all it desires,
all it needs and can be.

And let yourself be seen.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

 

An Ode to the Gentleman.

You say you can hear my smile in my voice.

You say that you want an opportunity to court me.
You say so much…

It is not your words.
It is all in your actions.
In those looks you give me.
The way your lips turn slightly different with your smirk,
The way you take my hand,
the groans that you make when you are close.

You say so much,
in the way you stay present with me.
The way you always make sure to be the gentleman.
You lead me strong.
You lead me with love.

You say that you believe that people grow tired of each other,
and without saying,
you let me know you fear that I will grow tired of you.
You fear that I bore easily.
But your desire for me speaks,
in all the little things.
They do not go unnoticed.

You say that if we did it right,
then we would not grow tired,
because the thing that bores,
is that when two come together they do less than more.

You are right.
And so I lean into your lead.
I lean into all that you say.
With your words.
With your smirk.
With your groans.
With how you hold me.
With how you protect me.
With how you remain present,
and
dance in this beautiful energy.
This energy that we have danced in,
and we have paused from,
and find ourselves back in.

Yes you say so much.
So much I want to hold on too.

So much that causes my heart to quake.
So much that scares me,
because in your presence,
I feel beautiful.

In your arms I feel held.
In your embrace,
I feel loved.

And when you look at me,
with your everyday sultry eye’s,
and smile.
I feel like your queen.

Cherished.
Adored.
and
Desired.

You say so much,
in so many ways.
And it is these things that captivates my soul.
It is these things that ignites my heart.
It is these things that opens me,
Open’s me to your love.

To the man that you are.
The man that I had tried to ignore.
The man that is patiently waiting.
Waiting for me to return,
return that look,
return that smirk,
return that holding,
and surrender,
once more.

To all the gentlemen who remain strong masculine,
leading in love, in compassion, and desire.
To all of you gentlemen, who understand that courting is vital, and leading is your part of the dance.
Thank you.

You are loved and needed.

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

Explore my Passion Coaching for Couple’s of Private Solo-Coaching. Two Private Coaching Spot’s open NOW. 

Pull Your F-cking Head Out of Your Ass and Get a Life of Your F-cking Own Syndrome

It has been a VERY long day.
One where I have spent the entire day avoiding my hormones,
avoiding my desire to just scream,
and cry, and bitch about everything.
 
Originally, I was going to write about starting your day with orgasm, and how wonderful that is. I thought that would be a wonderful share as I had a great night of some good sexing and woke up this morning turned on and even masturbated.
 
So orgasm was strong in my body.
However, my day quickly turned gears.
I found myself battling for the space to just write in my daily journal for about 4 hours.
 
The distractions came from everyone in my life.
My period not helping me hold back my frustration.
I felt on edge ALL stinking day.
 
Keeping in mind the wise parenting advice that I have held near and dear for 23 years of being a mom,
 
” Pick your battles.”
 
So here I am at midnight,
after a day of picking my battles and getting distracted.
 
Here I am FINALLY writing this brief tid bit of rawness.
 
And what am I sharing on this evening?
I am sharing on an extremely important topic.
One that I believe is one of the BIGGEST issues in relationship today.
 
My day has been a day that was filled with it.
Multiple sources brought it to me.
I had to breathe through it many times today.
As I was focused on , “picking my battles.”
 
This though is an on going battle in my home and life and perhaps for you it may be in your’s as well.
 
I AM NOT AND CANNOT BE YOUR EVERYTHING.
NOR DO I WANT TO.
 
Yes here ya go folks.
Here is my share.
 
Do you feel like your partner,
your lover,
your friend,
your sibling,
or any other relationship
 
needs to be your everything?
 
Maybe you are on the same side as me on this topic and you feel like you are being expected to be someone’s everything.
 
It’s f-cking exhausting isn’t it?
There is no freaking’ way that any of us can do this for another.
 
yet so often this is the issue in our relationships.
We get into a relationship with someone,
and we make them our everything.
we loose our individuality.
we stop going out alone or with others,
we dedicate our every breath to this other person,
and when they don’t reciprocate,
we get pissed.
we feel hurt.
we wonder why we are not good enough, ‘or why they don’t care.
After all we have done so much for them,
why can’t they just see that and appreciate it?
 
why can’t they just let go of everything else in their world and make us their #1?
 
It’s just not fair.
It’s always us getting hurt.
 
In steps JEALOUSY.
In steps our need to control.
We have to control this situation, or we will not feel loved,
seen, appreciated.
 
We have to point to all those things that are taking our desired relationship away from us.
 
Making it hard for us to connect.
Making it hard for them to see us.
 
So we push a little harder.
We beg a little more.
We stomp our feet, slam doors, and act like we are three again.
We retract our love to show them what they are missing.
We wave our pissed off flag around,
hoping that they will notice,
 
But they just seem to carry on without us.
Or they cave and let our juvenile ways win for now.
 
So they smile.
So they say sweet things.
So they comfort us one more time,
putting our fears of loosing them to the side temporarily.
 
But then God dang it.
They turn right back around,
like nothing happened.
Like our pain was never there,
and MOTHER F-CKER.
 
They go back out with those other people.
They laugh and enjoy life on their own,
They just keep moving through their day,
as though we are not here.
 
JEALOUSY.
The sad truth in this tale is that the fear of loosing the relationship is most certainly going to happen when someone keeps pushing and suffocating another like this.
 
The truth is, that any relationship needs to be based in authentic desire to be in relationship with us.
 
It needs to be based on individuals who are not needy to the point of suffocating each other.
Have lives of their own, and come together to support and compliment each other in life.
 
If you are loosing yourself in a relationship.
if you are feeling needy to the point of jealousy.
If you are pissed off at the other individual for being just that, an individual.
If you are pissed off at the other individual for not making you their #1 in everything, or dropping other relationships for you.
 
Then you may be suffering from , ” Pull Your F-cking Head Out of Your Ass and Get a Life of Your F-cking Own Syndrome.”
 
This syndrome has some key symptoms:
* You cannot let the other person be alone without you for more than 10 minutes.
* You always make your opinion supportive to what the other’s is or might be.
*You try to hard to please the other person ALL THE TIME.
* You are fearful of being yourself or stating your truth to the other.
* You will change who you are to make sure you don’t loose the relationship.
* You get upset about the person having or doing things with others, even though you smile and tell them its okay.
* You cannot go and do much of anything without the other person, and you don’t want to.
 
 
This syndrome causes relationship breakup when you try to take over a non-codependent person’s life with it.
 
If you are like me,
then this sort of syndrome makes you want to run the other direction.
 
Drop the person like a hot potato.
And count your blessings that you caught it in time.
 
In my personal opinion there is not much more unattractive then this syndrome.
 
If you are a person suffering from this syndrome,
well I am sorry.
 
Truly I am.
It is time to put on your BIG KID panties and realize that healthy relationships DO NOT operate like this.
 
It is time for you sweet soul, to learn who you are.
Get right with JUST BEING YOU.
Learn to love you.
And start to enjoy life,
which means to have more than JUST ONE in your life.
 
We are human beings and we are built for community.
We need relationships.
 
Multiple relationships.
We need to get our needs met in many ways and by multiple sources ( people).
 
NO ONE CAN BE SOMEONE ELSE’S EVERYTHING!!!!
This is putting an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation on the relationship and on the person.
 
If you claim to care about the relationship
about the other person,
about you,
 
Then go get your shit in order.
get a life of your own,
and STOP EXPECTING anything from anyone.
 
ESPECIALLY THAT THEY ARE YOUR EVERYTHING.
 

And as always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.

Hell Hath No Fury.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 
Or so the saying goes.
The past month of my life has forced me to step into a fury that I did not know existed to the level that it does. One event opening up the wounds to another. And that event opening up the wounds to another and another and another.
 
At first I sat with the events after they happened and was simply shocked.
Bewildered and lost.
 
Then I shut myself to the emotions that were coming up.
Then I opened.
Then I shut myself down again because under the emotions and the physical sensations of pain, fear and worry,
I discovered something much darker.
 
The darkness of a ghost that had been lingering in my midst for my life.
The darkness of a fear that I had been dancing with forever.
The darkness of my heart.
 
I found myself dancing with the feeling of being a victim and not wanting to be one, yet not being able escape the reality of what had happened and the knowing that in this moment, in this timeline, I was a
 
VICTIM.
 
I hate the word victim.
I don’t believe in being a victim.
I believe that no matter the situation that we are all spiritual volunteers here playing out our lessons in life. Expanding and evolving.
 
Evolving through pain.
Evolving through love.
Yet still evolving.
 
So to sit with the reality that I was a victim in this moment was something that hurt me to a point of rage in my emotions.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a strong mother F*cking Goddess!
I am the co-creator of my world.
I am a f*cking manifestor that creates her world with power, certainty and direction through my heart and by the guidance of God and my soul link.
 

I am not a victim damn it.

 
But yet, here I sit with the reality that in this part of my current time line,
 
Physically,
at very least I am just that ,
that I do not prescribe too.
 
A Victim.
 
And f*ck it hurts and is scary and shit to admit that yes,
I too could be feeling this fear.
Feeling this loss of the life that I new.
Feeling the uncertainty of the steps that I must take.
 
Yes, here I am, still feeling like somehow I deserved this.
I made it happen.
If I had not only done this or that.
Then surly things would not have escalated to the level that they did and I would not be physically hurt and broken.
That I would not be emotionally worn out and lost.
That my faith and trust in relationship would still be strong.
That what I believed or thought I knew as truth would still remain in tact and that my world would remain all that it had potential of being.
 
Yes certainly I must be at fault for all that has occurred.
Yes certainly I must have been the culprit of this disaster.
I was not good enough.
I was too much.
I wanted to much.
I cared to deep.
I spoke to much of my truth.
I should have coward in the face of the danger instead of standing to face it.
I should have just shut up and got in my place.
 
After all,
I am just a woman.
 
Who am I to think anything other than the reality that I am just a woman.
 
It is a man’s world.
He’s the boss.
It is his house.
His car.
His world.
His right.
 
His right to command.
To command me.
To command how things go.
To command my actions.
My thoughts.
My feelings.
My words.
 
If I had just not spoke.
If I had just not inquired.
If I had just not followed.
If I had just let it be.
If I had just been a good woman,
and did what I was told.
 
Told…
 
Yes told.
 

“You will STOP!”

 
He wanted me to stop,
he wanted me to be quiet,
he wanted me to not inquire,
follow,
speak my truth,
stand up for my child,
for myself.
He wanted me gone.
He wanted me deleted from his life.
He wanted me to STOP.
 
If I had just listened.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a mother F*cking Goddess!!!!
Goddesses are not commanded to STOP.
To not speak their hearts.
Their truth.
To break in the face of danger.
To run in the face of danger.
To feel shame about their humanness,
their love,
who they are or anything else.
 
Goddesses do not abandon their children when danger is present.
Goddesses do not fear the outcome.
They command the outcome.
The outcome is one that is ALWAYS one,
one that in the long run supports the beauty,
the love,
the truth,
the heart,
the soul, the power of God that moves through each of us.
 
He fell in love with the Goddess,
but he wanted to tame her.
He wanted to own her.
He wanted to control her.
To shut her up and be her ruler.
 
Goddesses only have one ruler.
The Great Divine.
The Almighty.
Lord.
God.
Creator of All.
That is the only ruler of a Goddess.
And we are lead by our hearts.
 
Those hearts lead us to follow when we see our lover is in pain.
When we see our child is hurt.
When we know we are not being heard, seen or felt,
Those hearts lead us to speak up not become quiet.
 
And certainly not become quiet because we are commanded too.
 

F*ck That!

 
Hell hath no fury like a Goddess scorned.
That is how the statement should go.
 
But he,
he is the lucky one.
He scorned a Goddess,
a woman who know’s who she is,
who is not afraid to speak out,
to be vulnerable,
to forgive but not forget,
 
he is the lucky one.
Because in his actions she FINALLY witnessed his truth.
 
And he may not be strong enough to see it but she is.
She see’s his pain,
his fear,
his lack of truth,
his lies not just to her,
but to himself.
 
She see’s how deeply he is hurting,
his feeling of not being worthy,
his discomfort with integrity.
 
She see’s his shame and how he hopes to shame her.
 
She see’s him.
She see’s herself.
 
Yes.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a F*cking Goddess.
 
No matter what the experience, I KNOW that God has my back.
No matter what the result I know that I am the co-creator of my reality.
No matter what the feelings, or the physical challenges that are upon me, I know that I
 
 
People come into our lives.
They serve their purpose as we do in theirs.
We often feel betrayed, hurt, scorned and victimized.
This is all part of our path.
 
Our evolution.
 
But even in evolution we get to choose,
choose our reactions,
which lead us to the next phase of our own personal reawakening.
 
We get to choose how we evolve.
Every action has a reaction.
 
We choose what those are.
We have conscious thought.
That conscious thought can trump our ego and our core beliefs if we want it to.
We can decided.
 
NOW.
In this moment,
To love fully.
To heal quickly.
To not break.
To expand.
To express.
To be vulnerable.
To be worthy.
 
To COMMAND our life to be the life that manifests our dreams.
 
I may be a victim in the essence of the physical and emotional abuse that I have experienced in the last short bit of time,
 
But I am NOT a victim to life.

 

I am a mother F*cking Goddess!!!

 
I may be scorned,
and scorned deeply from multiple sources,
 
But I am not a victim,
because I KNOW
I know I get to choose my outcome.
 
My path.
My reaction.
I know that God has my back.
 
And I surrender my heart to that.
 

What do you choose?

 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Are you a woman that feel’s scorned? Hurt? Scared to step into her Mother F*cking Goddess Power? 
Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.
 
 
 

It’s Complicated! – Challenges of Couple-hood Overcome. ( Global – LIVE – Online Workshop)

IS YOUR SEX LIFE SUFFERING?

Do you have all sorts of questions about sex but don’t know where to turn or who to trust?
Are you in an intimate relationship but feeling like things may be getting rocky or stale?
Are you concerned that this relationship may end the same as your last?
Do you wish you felt more passion in your relationship the way you did in the “honeymoon” phase?

Sex, relationships, marriage.

How do you keep things hot? What about when the fire dies down?
Why do some people manage to sustain a “hot, sexy, full of passion relationship when other’s can’t ?

Learn about good sexual communication and how to overcome the major sexual challenges of couple-hood so you can enjoy a juicy relations NOW and ALWAYS.

Kendal Williams will be covering the biggest sources of misunderstanding  seen  in intimate relationships around sexuality, intimacy and love and will teach you as to why these things happen and what to do about them.

Live Global Training on Facebook in Private Closed Group Setting.

Stop Allowing Average and Ordinary into Your Love Life Any Longer?

LEARN MORE AND REGISTER for Class and preliminary Course Material NOW

 

 *Time for LIVE Training is CST