I feel sick and I am afraid to show it.
Afraid to speak about needing help.
Afraid to go outside of my home and sneeze.
To have my allergies.
Yes right now is a strange time,
is it not?
It is a time where more people are concerned for their health than ever before.
Shiz we don’t panic like this about getting in our cars and driving some place yet so far in 2020 alone there have been 288,502 automotive deaths in the world.
We don’t stop consuming all the toxins that we know cause cancer do we?
No matter a fact there was a run on the grocery stores for just these items…lol
and yet just so far in 2020 there have been 1,755,279 deaths from cancer.
We don’t run and grab knives out of everyone’s hands that are holding one, or freak out about everyone who is having a bad day and look at them paranoid like they are going to do something even though there have been 229,184 suicides so far in 2020.
And yeah, we stay clear of those who we know have the flu…
and no one wants the flu. – Self included.
But we don’t look at small children in the grocery store who cough or sneeze like they will kill us with their natural human functions, even though there have already been 103,869 deaths from the flu in 2020.
No, we do not feel ashamed of these things.
We just carry on and even inquire if someone needs some tea or groceries bought.
We do not have a run on toilet paper over flu season.
And we do not shun the old and young because of a cold.
Today on planet earth we shame for illness.
We shame for age.
We shame for sneezing and coughing and wheezing.
We shame for watery eyes and clearing the throat.
We look at our friends and neighbors like they have a gun in their hand for offering a hug or a hand up a step.
I got this.
I don’t need “you” to touch me.
Yes my fine fellow humans, ‘we are forgetting our humanness.
We may preach that we love our neighbors,
that we want to help the poor, the old, the ill,
but when it comes down to it…
our animal natures,
our instincts to cast out what we perceive as weak or dangerous offsets it all.
And we SHAME.
This Is how we humans deal with that, that we are not comfortable with.
With that, that we do not understand.
We shame those who have it,
or we assume may.
Forgetting that assumption is often wrong.
Not allowing any logic to lead.
And certainly not allowing our hearts a voice.
For all we hear is the screaming of FEAR.
We are being given an opportunity to grow in this chaos,
we are being given a chance to support and build a world community, where boraders and skin color, religion or sex do not matter.
We are being provided a beautiful opportunity to heal ourselves,
from the inside out.
To change our thinking.
To change how we perceive one another.
To come into alignment with our hearts,
and to show compassion for self and neighbor alike.
And my sweet reader,
I fear we are failing.
I fear that we are allowing our ego’s to rule and thus not evolving,
but instead stepping backward in fear.
There are places around this world,
where windows are open. You can hear the laughter of families and children playing.
You can hear people singing.
And they are places where the heart still remains.
Even though touch and community are limited,
they have found ways to still connect.
They have found ways to de-armour thier fear and transform it to love.
But these places are few and far between.
And if you live in one such as this I speak,
then count your blessings dear reader and send love into this world,
for many other countries are not as such.
For this world to heal,
to find is harmony again,
and for this dark spring to turn to summer once again,
we all must focus on what matters most.
We all must inquire how we are impacting the outcome.
Do we speak and act from fear?
Or do we act from compassion and love?
If it were you that were sick or having the stones of shame cast toward you, how would you feel?
I end this musing today,
with words to remember,
“Let those among you without sin, cast the first stone.”
None of us are without ego.
And none of us have a right to assume.
But we all make our judgements and in doing so,
we create a great separation from truth and ourselves.
We hinder this world and we blind ourselves to love.
Put down your stone in exchange for a smile.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.
Now accepting applications for 1:1 coaching.
Learn how you can let go of that that causes you stress and fear and truly create the life that you’ve always wanted for.
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Photo Credit to Photographyinwonderland.
The sky was coming down on me.
There I lay,
thrown out on the cold, damp grass…
Staring up into the heavens,
the full moon casting its light down on me as though it was encouraging my breakdown.
I felt the earth beneath my body,
firm and cold to my plea,
my plea of not being enough.
This life that I have created,
this life that I love so deeply,
with all of its souls,
all the adventure,
all of the beauty.
Many days I feel that I am not good enough for this life.
I question why God has been so good to me?
Why do I keep reaping blessings,
why do people share such deep love with me,
Why do they value me so?
Don’t they see…
Don’t they see the human that I am.
The girl who still feels that she is not enough.
That pigeon toed wallflower who is lost in this thing called life?
Don’t they see that I fear myself.
I fear my messages.
I fear the spirit that moves through me,
that provides me such intensity at times.
I fear my heart.
That it may be wrong in its judgement,
it may guide me to loss and pain.
I fear that it was my heart that caused all of the pain,
and I know differently.
I know that the pain,
is all based in my desire to control the outcome of my life.
I know that my heart which speaks from the place of deep understanding of soul,
It does not judge.
It knows it truth,
and it just asks that I listen.
But I find on some days I cannot hear it for all the chaos that this beautiful life of mine has in it.
I cannot make out who I am on some days,
for who I am trying to be for everyone else.
And in this,
I become lost.
Just as you.
I snuggle into my humanness,
and I hold myself strong to the course that my head,
that my ego and all of society would tell me to be right and true.
And then in my final moments,
before I LET GO….
I find myself fighting to not drop to my knees,
to not lean in to this call.
This call that is so overpowering,
so enticing and juicy.
This call that I know if I let it pull me will guide me to all that I have wanted.
But I resist just a moment more.
I harden myself to all that I feel,
I toughen up like I have been told,
and I smile though I want to weep.
I say yes when I should say no.
I resist my truth yet some more.
As though it is helping me.
As though this will make me happy,
and solve my worlds problems.
Oh how funny we humans are.
How silly we are to run from all that we want,
all the while claiming we are pushing toward it.
We can not see our path,
as it lays out with each blind step that we take,
we cannot see it,
but if we learn to LET GO,
we can feel it.
It moves through us,
it moves us with each breath,
and those who choose to drop to their knees,
to lean into the call,
and allow our hearts to be seen,
if only for that flicker in time,
we grasp vision from the heavens above,
and we move.
But what you may not want to see,
is the mess,
the mess of this dropping.
The mess of letting go,
it may appear that one is falling apart,
trembling and lost more than ever before,
but this is a moment of expansion.
And a moment of revealing.
A moment where the heart leads.
There are no breakdowns,
But we must allow them to be seen.
As we allow our hearts the same,
and through this process of shattering,
we transform who we are into who we were born to be.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Feel like you are lost and falling apart at the seams?
Like you have been working so hard for the life that you want,
but it still is not before you.
Let’s chat! Let’s get you cracked open and expanded so that YOU can call it in NOW.
Reach out to me about deet’s on 1:1 coaching and group now.
You wouldn’t do what I did.
Or would you?
Some would believe that they would do it.
Some would state with certainty even that they would.
Others would say well, I would do some of that,
but is all of it really necessary?
And others would simply drop their head and say, ” I wish I had the courage.”
And at the end of the day,
perhaps 1% would actually do what I have done.
And what is this that I am even speaking of?
This is spoken of in many self-growth paths.
Spiritual teachers of all time have told of the importance of becoming self- actualized.
But what does it mean?
Why is it so important?
And how do we go about achieving it?
Self-actualization refers to the achievement of one’s potential while self-realization refers to the achievement of one’s personality.
We must become self-realized to become actualized.
To truly understand ourselves, we must gain a grander scope of our personality. Something that many people today avoid, change to fit in with those around them and even fully abandon so that they can feel accepted. Creating a void within themselves and a distancing from their truth.
We must get right with our personality.
Our true personality that is.
Not the mask we wear.
And once we have done that then we can move forward and work on self-actualized.
Now we can have what would appear to be a successful life from the outside world. We can achieve fortune, family, health and experience. But if it is not achieved from a state of our truth then we will forever feel lost and empty.
Never truly happy.
We will remain in the void of who we were born to be and the potential of our SOUL.
So how do we become self-realized?
In short we have to step out of our comfort of the masks that we wear.
If we are to discover who we truly are we have to STOP being dependent on others for our safety, our happiness, our feeling of connectedness, worthiness, purpose, etc.
We have to start to learn ourselves.
And here is where I confidently state,
You wouldn’t do what I did.
I recall the time frame that I moved into my rebirth of self.
It was a time that my soul decided that I needed to realize who I truly was outside of everything that I had become for the world around me.
And with this I went on a mission to great measures to learn myself.
I knew that if I kept acting, speaking, thinking and doing the way that I had been for this time,
that my life results would never change.
I would remain lost in who I was.
I would continue to feel empty.
I would continue to search.
So I went on a mission of self-discovery.
I dove deep into my shadow lands.
I faced anything that scared the crap out of me.
I genuinely looked at my relationships,
all of them.
I asked if they truly made me happy or if I felt like I was just serving the other people so that I did not get abandoned?
I asked if I was living the life that I truly wanted?
Knowing that I was not.
My family life was not in harmony.
My health was having challenges.
My sex sucked.
My intimate relationship was not even a friendship any longer.
My finances were lacking.
I was struggling in every department.
And ignoring it and thinking that just putting my head down and pushing through was not working any longer.
Instead I was suffocating.
I had to make a change.
I had to know my truth.
And so I pushed my boundaries.
I stepped off the curb of life that I had myself on and I walked with blind faith into the uncharted territory of ME.
In this moment what I discovered was the very fact that I had been guilty of self-abandonment for my entire adult life.
I had fully stepped away from me.
And this was the only step I needed to take to become in alignment to my true personality.
Speak from a place of my authentic YES/NO.
This was the empowerment I was needing.
This was the learning of my true likes/dislikes.
This was where I found my courage.
It was where I realized my own style of genius.
It was the land of ME.
And guess what formed from this space?
Through no longer abandoning myself for others wishes,
for no longer ignoring my truth,
for no longer leaning on others to tell or prove to me that I was lovable, worthy, beautiful, etc. I also tapped into my SOUL.
I danced with divine inspiration,
and the more I allowed myself to just be me,
feel me and do me,
the moree inspired thought came,
and the more inspired action happened,
and the more I felt my full potential being achieved.
Today, I know when I get into phases of my life where I am feeling bored, lost or indifferent that all I am being guided to become aware of is that I have leaned out of this state of self-actualization and that in order to step back into it,
I need just look at where I am looking for the outside world to feed me instead of turning inward and KNOWING MYSELF in the now.
Because we are ever changing.
We are evolving,
and we must not abandon this new version of who we are in this moment just because it presents a different desire, a different view or feeling about life, love, or anything.
By receiving our new version of self,
we put worth on it.
Thus realizing our worthiness for the life that we have and the life that we are creating.
Where have you abandoned yourself?
If you are feeling lost in life, in love or any subject of life, it is time to ask this of yourself and to realize that you soul is requesting you to step out of the comforts of what is no longer serving you and embrace the magic of the unknown.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Reach out to me for 1:1 or group coaching to move into the life that you want and learn how you can once and all be YES to you.
I would do anything for love!
But, I won’t do THAT.
Just like the song,
so our relationships unwind.
We have these THINGS in relationship that we refuse to do,
and some with good reason,
some because they are personal boundaries,
some because it is totally self-sacrificial to do and will only create far worse repercussions than saying, “No.”
Relationships are most certainly not about one partner always caving to the other.
It is not about always getting what you want.
Relationships are not about even making you feel happy, safe or comfortable.
Love just an FYI, is not about comfort.
Or getting what we want.
It is about getting what we need.
And when we think about what we need,
it is not that we “need” the other person to act, do, be some specific way for us.
No the “need” that relationship provides, is the support for us to expand and grow into who we truly are as souls.
Therefore, often us getting what we need will feel like a challenge in the relationship.
It will feel uncomfortable.
It will feel testing, scary even and we will feel pushed to breathe into events and moments with our partner.
We will be asked to face our internal structures and inquire,
“Is this true?”
Is this really how I feel or am I living according to societal structures that have been put on me?
Am I leaning into my fear right now? or am I truly coming from my truth?
Love is testing.
Love will require us to have courage.
To have blind faith.
To open the door to trust.
And to evolve our beliefs.
So often though, we address love differently.
We tell our beloveds that we are:
👉Unconditional in our love – when in fact it is built on conditions.
👉That we would do “ANYTHING” for them – when in fact that means anything within my comfort box only, ask me to push myself a little into uncharted waters, well forget about that, I won’t do it.
👉That we want for their happiness no matter the cost – when in fact we require that happiness to fit into the picture that we have painted instead of holding space for what our partner actually needs
👉That we want them to grow, to be empowered, feel safe – when in fact yet again we only want this IF it is how we perceive that to be, NOT PUSHING US OUT OF COMFORT.
👉That we want to support them, help them achieve their dreams and become so much – when in fact even though that sounds great and groovy, we are not willing or understanding that if our partner chooses to grow and be all that, that it will require us as well to step in and do the same if we desire to keep the relationship. If one partner grows and the other does not, then the relationship WILL end.
👉That we want them to heal – I love this one. Over almost two decades I have sat with thousands of couples who proclaim how they desire their partner to heal. How they just want the best life for them, for them to not live in the emotional/psychological and event physical pain/trauma anymore. But when faced with the road it will require to get their partner there, they instead choose to shame, guilt, even abandon and divorce. Proclaiming that they can’t do that. They cannot support that sort of healing and there has to be some other way.
Many years ago,
I had a lovely couple come to me.
I will never forget their consultation…
The man sat there,
so wild eyed and excited about the possibilities that laid before them as a couple.
He spoke of his desire to support his wife to become empowered,
to tap into her feminine energy again as their polarities were out of whack and she was more the man then he,
he excitedly shared how he wanted deep intimacy with her,
how he wanted to have connective sex again,
and have her into it.
He wanted her to have less stress in life and with family and that he wanted the opportunity to support her here as well,
he wanted her to have passion for life,
purpose in something she loved,
and of course he wanted her to be the sexual goddess that he knew was in there.
They signed up for my couple’s coaching and so the process began to “fix” his wife….lol
No such thing as fixing your partner people.
There is only unveiling and that is something only they can do for themselves.
The coaching process is about offering tools and guidance to achieve and support someone in their efforts to rebirth themselves.
Anyway, they became my clients and we started doing the deep awakening work to help them and her get the results that they wanted.
Fast forward 18 months,
I met with the couple and she was now glowing, radiant and happy, laughing and so full of life.
Where once I looked into eyes that were lost, empty and on the cusp of death of soul, with no ability to answer clearly anything or speak her truth,
now sat a woman on fire for life.
I looked at him,
He was still bubbly and happy in appearance.
He was still supporting her,
but he too was different.
He had, had an awakening of his own.
and was still in his desire to assist his beloved to heal and grow,
to come out of her shell, ‘to see her own worth and radiate the beauty that she had,
that he had to take on the mission to become the man that could hold that space for her.
Meaning he had to rebirth himself as well.
He had to face his inner demons head on,
and get real with the fact that he was not good often with what it was being required of him and them to get her to where she was going.
I watched this couple struggle for three years with this birthing process.
They came close a few times to divorce and throwing the towel in.
He weeped to me in session repeatedly about how he just could not support what she was doing.
He swore that it was not okay.
That if she loved him, that she would stop doing these things to him.
And yet, he saw her more radiant than ever before.
He saw her thriving.
But her thriving, (well what it took to get her there) went against almost EVERY cellular belief structure that this man had about life, relationship, marriage, men, women, love,and healing.
Now this couple is a success story,
he stuck it out.
She stuck it out.
They pushed through and each expanded, grew as individuals and challenged themselves to reprogram the beliefs that were holding them back in so many areas.
And today when I check up on them a decade or so later they are deeply in love, happy, connected and have gotten there because they chose LOVE.
They chose each other and they chose to not get stuck in the quicksand of old habits, fears and societal beliefs.
That being said,
This is not the case for most relationships proclaiming that they would do anything for love.
Most relationships are like the Meatloaf song.
They will do anything for love, but they won’t do THAT.
THAT thing that the song speaks of is different for all,
yet the same.
THAT is fear.
THAT is ego.
THAT is getting out of the box of comfort.
THAT is letting go of the concept that controlling our beloveds actions through our fear and not opening up to the possibilities of “What if, or maybe…”
Yes most relationships,
won’t do THAT.
Instead they will finger point,
blame and guilt, shame and play victim.
They will turn things around and say,
“But if YOU loved me then you would not need to do/be/act that way.”
They refuse to let go of past,
they refuse to compromise,
they refuse to just love their partner and trust in them,
and in God/Universe.
Most relationships opt for supporting old patterns of sabotage and trauma.
Supporting their triggers around abandonment,
around need instead of love.
And they try to force their beloveds hand, heart and life back into that comfortable little box that feels so good.
The logical mind in these moments support with tons of evidence as to why you want to keep that box,
it tells us why the growth,
The change is so dangerous.
And so the mission of saving self,
saving themselves from a feeling of discomfort,
turns into war with partner,
guilting and often separation.
My question to you today sweet reader,
is if you would do anything for love,
and you fear that by doing THAT thing that causes your heart to feel like it may stop beating if you do,
but your beloved is asking it of you so they can become full again, healed, and who they really are, so they can find their truth,
if THAT thing in your mind is going to kill the relationship,
but you saying “NO I won’t do that for love” will certainly kill the relationship, or you would rather opt for the death of relationship then doing THAT thing…
Then why not,
I mean let’s just go out on a limb here today….
Why not at least DO THAT THING and see where it takes you?
Worst case scenario is that you land where you were willing to go anyway.
Call me crazy,
but if you truly love and not need the person and the relationship,
then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in exploring this life a bit and expanding yourself and your relationship through the support of your beloved.
What would you do for love?
stop Existing & Start living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Enjoy these musings and free coaching? Want to level up your relationship? Expand into love and heal your past beliefs that are no longer serving your life?
Message me for deet’s on private and group coaching available world wild today.
So you think you can poly?
You think you can do open relationship?
Right now I have a bunch of couples coming to me with the desire to open their relationship up.
I have a bunch of singles who desire to get into an open relationship as well.
What’s up with all the openness?
I will tell you what’s up with all the openness…
Open relationships are effing amazing!
They are built on an unconditional love and acceptance that most monogamous relationships could only ever dream of.
Open relationships when done right,
are all about each partner giving themselves and each other the permission and support to explore who they really are and to get their needs and desires met how they feel fit without the fear of loosing their primary partner.
Open relationships encourage each partner to truly work on themselves and move through their limiting belief structures,
through their fear based needs and ideas around jealousy and control equalling love.
Open relationships are hardly ever about the sex.
Although sex is a big part of the relationship guidlines and agreements,
sex is never what it is ultimatly about.
And here is why…
Anyone can go get laid pretty easily.
If you are a female,
there is free, easy to get sex around every corner, no matter your age, looks or anything else.
If you are man, yeah it can certainly be a bit harder ( no pun intended..lol- okay maybe intended)
but at the end of the day if you truly desire it and have a bit of confidence then there is a chick who will hand it over pretty easily.
So sex is not difficult to get.
But thats just friction based, empty sex.
There is nothing too it.
No heart, no soul, no connection.
Its just skin rubbing skin ending with a pump, pump ooohhh, goo, moment.
And that is most likely part of the problem in the primary relationship that triggered this whole idea to open the relationship to start.
Heartless, quick, empty, friction based sex on one side or both.
Opening up the relationship is because one partner if not both feels lost in who they are.
They are starving to be seen, felt and understood.
They are hungry for a deep orgasm.
And that deep orgasm can only come about with care,
with some feelings attached to the person they are dancing with.
Or else, its pointless.
It’s empty and in truth sorta traumatizing to the mental and emotional houses.
Opening up is about realizing that not all connection is equal.
Realizing that NO ONE person will ever, or can ever fill all of our needs. That when we are closed that we will live out our lives only meeting one aspect of self as well.
When we open, it is more about us meeting all the facets of who we are, then about getting laid or having an orgasm.
Opening up is about allowing yourself to breathe into self,
to explore different venues of the mind, the emotions, the physical body.
If you have had sex with more than one person in your life,
then you can pause a moment and think about the different ways each partner made you feel. You can think about how you reacted, conversed differently with each person. How each person, taught you new things about life, or revealed different likes or thoughts, even personalities of the self.
This is why people open.
We grow weary and bored with the self.
We become numb to all this beauty we hold in ourselves,
and we forget who we are.
Our candles grow dim and we need someone to strike a match and help light us up again to all the treasure we have within.
A person who lives in fear of loosing their partner prevents themselves and their partner from ever authentically showing up in the relationship or in the sex. Fear creates an energy of neediness,
fear creates a desire to control outcomes,
and a belief that if our partner loved us truly then they would always put us first.
After all we are the primary partner.
We are the significant other.
We are the life mate.
In truth, the relationship that must hold center stage for any person,
is the relationship with self.
And when we choose to disregard the relationship with self,
we close ourselves to all we have to offer this life,
to offer our partner,
our family and friends.
And we slowly die within.
So yes, this may seem like I just said you need to be selfish in relationship and put yourself in front of EVERYONE else,
and I did say that.
You will never be able to fill the needs of those you love if your vessel is empty.
You must put self- care first.
and in open relationship,
this is understood and honored.
We best honor and love our primary partners and all relationships in our lives when we take care of self in all area’s first.
Now, don’t let this statement lead you to believe that open relationship is about partners demanding things left and right without care to anyone else’s feelings or needs.
Only a self- centered person does that.
And self-centeredness and selfishness are vastly different things.
No, in open relationship the partners discuss needs,
discuss ideas on how to best support each other,
and know that in order to remain deeply rooted in each other and keep their relationship primary,
that they MUST set healthy guidelines, boundaries and agreements in place and honor them.
They know the importance of setting aside time for connection daily and weekly with each other,
keeping the relationship that they claim as a primary,
but they do so by honoring themselves as well and speaking their needs and desires. Understanding that sometimes their partner cannot give them what they want or need in that moment.
Yes, open relationship equals difficult, real, raw conversations.
Open relationship means a willingness to see and hear your partners truth and know that you cannot always be the one to support them the way they need.
Open relationship understands that intimacy and vulnerability, truth and answers are not always pleasing or easy to step into.
But that it is what is needed if we truly love someone.
Today I ask you to look at your relationship,
no matter the label you identify with.
I ask you to look at your relationship and ask yourself these simple questions,
“Am I making my primary relationship, primary? And how am I doing this?”
“Am I acting out of fear and control in my relationship, or am I offering authentic unconditional love and support?”
“Do I feel that my partner owes me anything or is responsible for my feelings? If so how is this serving either of us or our relationship?”
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn about opening up in relationship or want to keep it monogamous but practice the conversations and relating skills of an open relationship? Message me today for deet’s on 1:1 coaching opportunities.