Are you willing to do what it takes to have the relationship of your dreams?
There are essentially 3 kinds of relationships: Traditional, Conscious, and Transcendent. Each serves it’s own purpose. Take a look at the descriptions below and ask yourself what kind of relationship you’re in and what kind of relationship you would like to be in. Remember, some people can’t or don’t want to do the necessary work too get to the next level. Are you willing to do what it takes to have the relationship of your dreams? LEVEL 1: TRADITIONAL RELATIONSHIP
This is the most familiar dynamic found in traditional marriages and relationships. The focus is on shared interests and values rather than personal growth. In Traditional Relationships neither person has done the necessary psychological or spiritual work to bond either with themselves or another. This means that the couple connects at the personality rather than the emotional and spiritual levels. When two people relate from the personality or “I” level, the individual’s focus remains on him or herself rather than on the other. Each person is primarily focused on getting his or her own needs met which prevents the “we” of the relationship from forming. As a result these relationships often become stagnant and power struggles occur frequently. To remain together, partners in Traditional Relationships avoid looking at key issues, pretending they don’t exist. Many couples feel safe and secure in a Traditional Relationship. It is all they ever want or need and they can remain at this level forever. These couples will not naturally progress to the next two levels of relationship. Traditional Relationships end when one partner embarks on his or her psychospiritual journey and it becomes impossible to continue growing while remaining in the relationship.
LEVEL 2: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP
When soul mates come together they join in Conscious Relationship. Soul mates are those who relate from the soul level. Though many seek a soul mate, the requirement for this kind of relationship is that both people must have done some psychological and spiritual work prior to meeting in order to relate soul to soul. In Conscious Relationships the focus is on emotional and spiritual growth both as individuals and as a couple. Those in Conscious Relationships are engaged in learning lessons. Their goal is to transcend the physical and emotional levels to the spiritual plane. As they actively work through issues together, Conscious Couples are increasingly able to lean in and trust one another to create the “we” of the relationship. One of the great challenges of Conscious Relationships is that they are transitioning from an I-based to a we-based relationship as they learn not only to work on their own individual issues but also as they learn to apply what they learn to the relationship as a whole. As this happens, power struggles occur. Though profound, Conscious Relationships but do not necessarily last forever. They might end when both partners are no longer able to grow together or when one person does not meet the other person’s Essential Needs. Just because people are Conscious Partners does not mean that they can automatically fulfill the other person’s requirements. Reaching the level of Conscious Partnership is a significant accomplishment and can lead to nourishing and lasting relationship. LEVEL 3: TRANSCENDENT RELATIONSHIP
Not everyone wants to do the work to reach this third. Transcendent Partners love one another unconditionally. They are “guardians of each others souls.” Because Transcendent Partners have mastered the art of taking personal responsibility, they generate their identity, happiness and emotional stability from within and there is no fear of losing themselves in the relationship. With such a strong sense of their individual selves, Transcendent Partners can fully surrender to the “we” of the relationship, forming a union where the individual is not lost and the whole is profoundly greater than the sum of its parts. Skilled in unconditional acceptance, power struggles rarely occur. Transcendent Partners fully support each other in going for their dreams. They live in truth and can share anything without fear of shame or blame. Transcendent Partners relate at the spiritual level and have evolved beyond the need to work at the relationship. Both partners are guided not by outer but by inner forces and by each other. Knowing that what they have together is enough, Transcendent Partners are content and can commit to one another for life. Transcendent Partnership is focused in gratitude and on giving back to society. There are few models in our society for this type of partnership. Conscious Partners can and do evolve into Transcendent Partnership when both people do their individual work. You have not failed if you achieve a Traditional or Conscious Relationship. Transcendent Partnership is not and should not be for everyone.
When things first get sexy, mental chatter can drown out our partner’s heavy breathing. Sometimes, we’re not even aware of how our inner monologues effect our pleasuring behavior. I think you’re swell, dandy and darn good looking. Because I like you so much, I want you to have the best there is in the bedroom. Here are three common mediocre mantras that will not help our mission:
MANTRA #1: “I’m Going to Make You Cum”
VARIATION: ”I’m really good at fellatio/cunnilingus/[insert sex act here]“
Orgasm is not the goal. That would be pleasure. Orgasm is what happens when you’re busy having fun. A demanding sexual ego = Not Fun. Send that buzz kill of an expectation packing and enjoy everyone’s genitals unclenching.
MANTRA #2: “Am I doing this right!?”
VARIATION: “Oh please like this. Please, oh please?”
Where the first mantra is the pinnacle of egoism, this one is the height of insecurity. In the land of pleasure, there is no “right,” nor are there “should’s” or “must’s.” It is a land of wonderful possibility and infinite opportunity. Listen for ragged breathing, look for flushed skin and feel for tensing muscles. If their bodily arousal isn’t apparent, keep playing with sexual variables.
MANTRA #3: “This is How All My Other Partners Liked it”
VARIATION: “Why aren’t you working right!?”
Stop. Right. Now. Put down your habits. Do it quickly. Every new fun-time partner means expanding your hands-on skill set. FANTABULOUS! Just remember, with each new terrain comes new curves in the road. The first few times, you might wanna slow down around the bend.
And so, dear friend, if you hear any of the above rattling around, tell it to go “shush” itself and enjoy the panting. Go Team Fun!
The elusive female orgasm, what is it and how many types are there? For many years and still in some views women don’t have orgasms. EVER! Yet the majority of the world has come to the reality that like men, women are sexual beings whom enjoy orgasms. Matter a fact women are blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms (waves) and it is uncertain as to just how many types of orgasm a woman can actually experience. I am going to cover the three main types of female orgasm here and give a brief summary of the other eight that are most taught in Tantric Therapy. As well as a peek at the two most powerful Orgasms that are highly sought after and needed for female health.
In today’s time many women claim not to have vaginal orgasms and this is very possible because of the blocked trauma that is preventing them of doing such. However ALL women are able to have vaginal orgasms once their physical, mental and emotional bodies are healed and united. Indeed, this type of orgasm can be tricky to achieve. For multiple reasons, one being, the vagina is not exactly optimally designed for maximum orgasmic potential — most of the sensations are felt in the first (outer) third of the vagina. Unlike a man’s penis that is sensitive all over the shaft area the internal cavities of the vagina are not. Unless proper healing and body/mind/emotion connection has been harmonized allowing for optimum sensation on the walls of the vagina. Experts and researchers such as Barbara Keesling have discussed the pleasure potential of the “cul-de-sac” — an area at the back of the vaginal canal, just behind where the cervix enters the vagina. Women can experience very intense orgasms with stimulation here. Some refer to this as “the X-spot. This area of the vagina near and on the cervix is very sensitive for the majority of women. However some are “numb” at the cervix area. Any woman who has had her lover press deep into her and push on her cervix most likely knows what this can feel like. For most women that have experienced some sort of traumatic, emotional experience(s) in their lifetime however, this feeling may not be pleasurable AT ALL. Instead it may feel like a dagger and the pain from the pressure may well up tears, cause instant anger, fear, anxiety and indeed a longing to stop whatever sexing is happening in that moment. Weather a woman feels this sort of pain or numbness while having the cervix massaged does not matter other then it shows that there is great healing of the cervix that needs to happen. Once a cervix is healthy and these negative traumatic blockages are released from the cellular tissue, a woman can experience endless, powerful, full body orgasms. The orgasms that come from the cervix are like no other, they carry with them a depth of soul, emotion and physical power that it is hard to describe. One must experience to understand.
Fact: In actuality, when most people talk about a vaginal orgasm, they are more specifically referring to a G-Spot orgasm.
For something so small, the G-spot has certainly managed to make its way to center stage in woman’s sexuality — and as with anything that is in the lime light it has stirred up more than its share of controversy. Some people don’t believe it exists at all, while others swear by its ability to produce unparalleled pleasure.
The G-Spot is a small area within the upper wall of the vagina, about one to two inches from the opening. With insertion of a finger you may feel this small area that has a rougher, almost chicken skin texture on the outer skin feel to it just past the urethral sponge. To assist you in finding it you can press with the inserted finger upward while connecting your thumb to the clitoris and acting as though you are pressing the two fingers together. Not all G-spots are in the exact same location however, somewhere within this region you will discover with present soft touching the G-spot. When a partner is looking for this spot pay close attention to your lover, she will certainly feel when you press on it. Some women have the ability to reach orgasm through direct stimulation of the G-Spot or gentle massage of the area. When the G-Spot is stimulated, the woman will often feel as if she has the urge to urinate. And, in fact, during a G-Spot orgasm, many women will mistakenly believe they have accidentally urinated. This is because a G-Spot orgasm is notable because it is usually accompanied by a lot of fluid. This is generally referred to as “female ejaculation.” Yet, the fluid is released from the urethral sponge area. When the G-spot is being massaged the sponge normally is massaged as well. Both of these areas can start out very small and even hard to find in some women, but once stimulated they can expand and grow to taking up a much larger part of the internal vaginal wall.
The same applies to the G-spot that was mentioned with cervix. When a woman has experienced traumatic experiences in her life time, may that be sexual abuse, abandonment, deep fears, loss of loved ones, physical/mental abuse, child birth or other events that can cause trauma to lock up in the cellular tissues, the G-spot as well as the Urethral sponge, cervix and/or clitoris can become overly sensitive and painful to the touch or dull and numb. Either of these reactions is a sign of needed healing and release of these stored traumas.
Once healed properly this elusive yet magical place in a woman’s body can bring great pleasure and fulfillment in lovemaking.
The clitoral orgasm is generally viewed as the easiest type of orgasm for a woman to achieve which is why it’s the fixation of both men and women in “getting her, her’s first” idea. Some women also deem it the most pleasurable, but other women who experience G-spot orgasm, cervical, or whole-body orgasm may disagree with that. In fact, many women believe that they are unable to achieve orgasm unless the clitoris is stimulated, even if this occurs only indirectly by way of friction from intercourse. However, this is often because, with most sexual encounters, women don’t get enough time to awaken their vaginas and the sensitive spots internally to experience orgasm through stimulation of them. If lovemaking was slowed down and extended long enough too really, REALLY arouse a woman before penetration, it is a safe to say that lots more women would be experiencing more than clitoral orgasm. As well as the healing needed that has been covered in other orgasm types. This too is the case with the clitoris. It is important to note that the clit can become over sensitive very easily and once this happens pleasure quickly becomes irritation and pain, killing a women’s hunger for sex. Similar to the tip of a man’s penis the clitoris can become desensitized as well. This happens from too much extended massaging or friction. Many women and men have been programmed to believe that rough is good on the clit, yet as with the case for everything, each woman’s clit is different. Not just different from other women but different in sensation moment to moment. It’s important to pay close attention and keep open communication flowing when in all of your sexing.
Even in self-pleasuring the majority of women focus on clitoral stimulation as to bring themselves to orgasm because they have learned that this is often the quickest and most effective route. However, the speed training of the body to expand into orgasm is not allowing for full sexuality to unfold and the liberation that can be experienced through orgasm is side stepped because we have lost an appreciation for slow, deep loving and sexing in our lives. Causing the majority of the relationship, emotional, and even psychological issues that many deal with today. This quick to orgasm societal habit that has formed contributes to anxiety, stress, depression, poor health and blocked trauma.
This orgasm is achieved by stimulating a small spot which contains sensitive erectile tissue directly above and on either side of the urethral opening.
To achieve orgasm here and heighten all sexual stimulation insert a single finger into the anal canal by about ½ to 1 inch, no deeper than your first knuckle. Then gently press this finger against a finger or two that has been inserted into the vagina at the same distance, begin gentle massaging while pressing these two areas together. Some women do enjoy full penetration anally, orgasm can achieved this way if a woman is first sexually stimulated and fully relaxed. She must trust her partner deeply so that her body can move past the initale discomfort and into the pleasure. Anal sexing is a slow moving, deeply emotional event and must be regarded with honor and care as to not further cause any trauma to the woman.
This orgasm is achieved by stimulating about ¾ of an inch deep in the front wall of the vagina. This area of the vagina is extremely sensitive and as blood rushes to it it becomes even more so. Often this area is over looked because penetration happens so quickly.
Deep Spot Orgasm
This area is located deep in the vagina just before the cervix. It is the deepest back wall of the vagina. This area may be numb or over sensitive if a woman has block trauma however. Massaging of this area and clearing at the cellular level can help induce powerful orgasms.
Some woman can reach orgasm by the stimulation of their breasts. Soft sensual touching, kissing, pinching and even a nursing action can bring some women to orgasm and is a great way to increase pleasure in foreplay or lovemaking. But again, watch for over stimulation.
Some women are extremely sensitive in their mouths can achieve orgasm while kissing or receiving/giving oral sex. The extra saliva formation that happens as arousal kicks up adds to the sensitive internal areas of the mouth as well as the lips. The direct mental link between mouth and genitals can be intense for some.
Some women can reach orgasm at the touch of their skin. Perhaps this is good reason many ancient sexual practices focus on massage and bodywork.
Some women can reach orgasm during auditory or visual stimulation, such as watching a movie, reading erotic literature or watching others having sex. This orgasm happens without any physical stimulation.
Two other BIG Orgasm Types for women that SHOULD NOT go unspoken of are Full Body and Emotional Orgasms. Both of these happen from a blending of the above mentioned orgasms and can only be achieved if sex is approached from a slow fashion and certain levels of healing has happened allowing for a woman to open into herself and trust in her partner to level needed that the orgasmic energy can dance throughout her chakra system and manifest as a full body or emotional orgasm.
I am no authority on teenagers…there are very few in my life. But I was one once, so certainly I have that under my belt. And as I sit on a plane to Greece, I am surrounded by groups of young people off on their two weeks of binge drinking and stranger shagging. Meanwhile I have my head in a tantra book. As I catch morsels of overheard conversations, I am tempted to turn to them and begin to preach the Gospel of Tantra! Don’t do it kids! Don’t separate your consciousness from your sexuality and begin to condition yourselves to a lifetime of sexual experiences in which you are not present!
But hey, most of us did at some point. Perhaps you have to fall in order to pick yourself up. It was only after three years of excessive drinking that I gave up alcohol once and for all and headed to India to find something else of life aged 18 (yes I gave up drinking once I became the legal age to drink!)
But what would it be like if, when those hormones firsts start pumping, someone came to talk to us about Tantra? What if, instead of the conflicting message of “sex is a biological method of reproduction” versus the Hollywood messages of “everyone has flawless bodies and is having a lot of great sex all the time”, we were given some sort of sharing about how sex is related to love, and that it can create very strong experiences. What if the word “sacred” were even mentioned in the same sentence as the word “sex”. What then?
And how about, as those surges of energy come through the young teenage body, someone explained sexual energy? Imagine that concept helping our youth to understand the overwhelming forces at play within, and perhaps even learning a few basic tools to help deal with all of that energy…a little breathwork to support them through moments of intense energy surge. Imagine if we were teaching our young people to understand their own sexual energy before they connect to the energy of another, and then when they do connect they know a little about energies playing together.
How about explaining polarity to children as suddenly they gain a sense of being different from the other sex. How about marking that shift, from child to young adult, with a rite of passage. Returning to nature, as our distant ancestors once did, with our peers and our elders, to find out what it is to become a man/woman. What if, instead of MTV icons of male- and female-ness, teenagers learned about age-old archtypes, and about masculine and feminine energies in nature and the universe. Perhaps we could teach them about our own unique make-up of energies, of masculine and feminine traits and tendencies…and how to be at ease with ourselves just as we are.
What if teenagers were shown how to respect the other sex? Taught how to honour qualities that they may not themselves embody. How to share the delights of our differences…not to try to steal something from the other, or to dominate or gain power over the other.
And how about if teenagers were shown sex beyond the pornographic hard, edgy, loveless sex? What if they were exposed to sensuous and loving union? What if they saw two human beings in real and deep connection, with open eyes seeing one another and open hearts feeling one another. What if they actually glimpsed what it looks like when lovers are seeing the divine in one another …
And how would it be to show our young people the connections between sexuality and nature…to show that sex is natural; that it mirrors the gushing rivers and burning fires; the animal instinct. That some beautiful energies can flow between two bodies, an experience of deep aliveness…what if we let them know that?
How useful would it be to understand a little of creating safe space? Of boundaries…ever-shifting yet hugely important. Of “yes’s” and “no’s” and even options such as “can we just stop and hold each other?” And imagine if young people were taught to find their inner truth, their inner knowing…and learn to trust that. So they are no longer susceptible to the suggestion of every Tom, Dick and Harry, but able instead to look within and find what is right for them in each fresh new moment. Imagine if someone showed them that!
Because then even the adults could relax a bit. Instead of trying desperately to shield their young from sexuality, working against a natural explosion of hormones, parents could rest a little knowing that their children were actually equipped to enter the world of sexuality with the empowerment they need to begin such an epic journey. Not only that, but they might actually have some of the communication skills to discuss it with their parents. The right education would also create the open-minded atmosphere in which teenagers sexual experiences are not all secretive and hidden from fear of being caught.
Many people seek out tantra in their thirties and forties. But why wait? Imagine what a difference it could make if teenagers were initiated into Tantra. Then perhaps I’d be sat on a plane with a load of youthful beings off to seek connection to nature, learn to open their hearts and discover the joys of being a sexual and alive being.
~“Let’s go down by the river where we can be alone and enjoy the stars. I have a blanket in the back of my truck.” Says a young man of 16 to his new girlfriend.
A sweet flirtatious smile crosses her lips as she agrees.
Cuddling, kissing, and playful touching of each other. The lapping of the water along the shore line and the crickets chirping in the cool night air. Two young lovers adventure off to explore the great landscape of each other’s flesh. Without much consciousness the energy whirls around them, haste and excitement of the moment and possibility overcome both. Hands are moving quickly, kissing becomes more passionate. A braw is removed or pushed to the side. Jeans are unzipped. The boy’s hand squeezes its way down the front, between panties and flesh of the princess that lies beside him. Clumsily he tries to arouse her. Flicking here and there, unsure as to what he is to do. It feels strangely good but not what she had dreamed of. Becoming frustrated with the ever expanding bulge in his own pants and the lack of creativity in his skills he makes the move to remove her jeans.
Once revealing herself in the cold night air she now begins to question her longings, her feelings and his. Yet she adores this young man and wants to please him. She wants him to like her. To stay with her and she wants to experience life and her own body as well. She tugs at his pants, loosening them; he helps her and slips them down to his ankles. Giving an okaying pull she welcomes him to come between her legs now. He is overly excited, feeling his passion through a hard throbbing in his erection. He kisses her again on the lips, wanting her to welcome him farther along this joint venture. She kisses him back openly, giggles some and encourages him to take the next step.
Not knowing or even most likely realizing that his girlfriends yoni is not fully aroused yet he pushes clumsily forward. Pressing himself against her, separating the lips of her yoni with his fingers and then guiding himself inside her. Never pausing just moving at a quickening speed forward to the conquest of this young flower. He is inside her warmth, her velvety tight softness. His mind is no longer in his head, nor is it in his heart feeling her. He only feels with his cock in this moment.
The initial stretching and wrapping feeling within her as he glides back and forth in this friction sex feels good, not intensely good but good. There is a certain comfort in this feeling. His warm breath cascading down on her with his movement. His grunts. His words of love as he presses himself deeper, deeper…. Just like he has seen in some porno on line. He thrusts harder thinking that she will enjoy that like the girls in the movies do, he has to admit it feels insanely good to his genitals but, she is not moaning. She lets out a soft whimper. Nervous to speak of the pain she just felt. Repeatedly he bumps up against her young cervix. A heated sensation rising in her belly, a tightening in her yoni, her body is attempting to offset the damage. Trying to protect itself.
The feeling is too much for him to control, as her body contracts with burst of pain and then softens when he is in more pleasurable zones makes him cum. Forcing him to press deep again, against her cervix, this time as he shakes from his orgasm the tip of his cock penetrates through her delicate cervix, tearing it slightly. She feels a strange sensation inside her body but now the moment is ending. He quickly retreats from her body. Seeing blood on his cock. Not certain as to what has happened he questions her is she alright? Does she have her period? Was she a virgin, (grin on his face)?
She has not her period nor is a virgin. She says she is fine but is scared to admit that she is unsure. They dress again and go home. ~
This story is adapted from a recent tale that was shared with me by my very own daughter. Worried about her friend who had experienced this, who was still after a few days bleeding. Scared to death of what had happened to her body she had nowhere to even turn. You would hope that at least she could turn to her parents or mother, but what if in admittance of the loss of her virginity she would be kicked to the curb? Yes, the human act of exploring our sexuality in our youth can lead to early flight from the nest for many.
What is not shared in this tale is that the young man shared his 11 inch shaft with this petite young woman. Neither intended on it to be a painful event. Yet because of the limited openness between the girl and her parents and her vague experience with a few other boys she had no way of knowing what her depth was. She had no guidance from a woman in her life to share with her about the importance of taking things slow in sex. She did not know how to speak up for what she was feeling. And above all else she did not know how to honor her depth!
The young man, proud of his eleven inch lingam (penis) had only similar knowledge through a few sexual encounters with other girls who most likely suffered from the same restrictive education as this one. He most likely watched a few movies and seeing these adult males with their 9-13 inch lingams pounding their cocks into women who “appeared” to enjoy each plunge of the anaconda thought he was doing everything right. It was her who had issues, not knowing how to receive the pleasure he was sharing. If he had a male role model in his life that was open about sex with him, he could have been told anything from, “you get in there and get it done son, “ or “always make sure she comes first,” or “youth is for exploration, don’t tie yourself down with just one girl, taste all the flavors you can.”
Never did someone share with him that like men’s lingams, women’s yonis are all built differently. Not only are the petals of her flower unique but so are the roots. The depth of her cervix is unique. Exact location of her G-spot is unique. The shape and size, hood cover of her clitoris is unique. All as perfect as the next but when a man and a women come together and do not honor her depth, then his depth can either be too much and cause a possible life-long energetic injury or physical injury and on the reverse leave him feeling inadequate because he is in his eye’s not big enough. Weather a lingam is 4 inches erect or 11 inches erect, they are each perfect. Size is not a representation of skill, feeling or ability to love. It is not a sign post for, “Damn this guy is going to give me the best Orgasm EVER!”
If young men and women were openly taught to learn about their bodies, what their depth was and where their pleasure spots were then they could learn to move slower into sexual expression with a partner, they could also learn to feel each other and to realize that friction sex is only 1/1000th of the pleasure pie. They would realize that 11 inches is very unique but so are the women that can have the depth to accommodate. If a man with such a lingam chooses to peruse a woman who can only handle the depth of 6 inches then he needs to be aware that he will never be able to enter her fully. Yes she can open to him and allow him in expanding her yoni; and as her cervix softens he may even be able to penetrate through it intensifying pleasure without any pain or bloodshed, but more than likely the reverse will happen. The same is true of a woman with greater depth. If she is longing for the intensity of a cervical orgasm and has the depth to accommodate a 8-9 inch lingam but finds herself in a sexual encounter with a man who has a lingam of 6 inches then she needs to know that he will not be able to rub the cervix softly for the 40 minutes it will take to open her to this intense and healing orgasm. Sex can still be love making and it can still be extremely pleasurable for both, but if they are unconscious as our society supports us to be then falling prey to friction sex and to the constant sabotage of ill behavior and thoughts of what an ideal penis or vagina looks like will be the beginning to a repetitive destructive sexual life. Men will continue to physically and energetically damage the women in their lives as well as themselves. Women will close down to pleasure, to themselves, to sex in general and to their men.
The end of this tale is sad if Tantra is not introduced. This young girl and boy who we started our blog venture with will grow up and slowly shut down. They will limit their own expansion in all areas of life and learn to just accept what little enjoyment life offers. They most likely will marry someone along their path, feel love brush their shoulders for a few years, bring an angel or two into this world and then realize that something is still missing. They will long for fulfillment. They will long for pleasure, for passion for their depth to be felt. Never realizing that they first have to honor their depth, learn to open to love at all cost and expand their souls unions through the allowance of self healing and the healing of their lovers.