Bob Marley once said:
“You may not be her first,
her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh,
cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart.
So don’t hurt her,
don’t change her,
don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
And he was a wise man in his lyrics.
The Jamaican artist who grew up on the concept of One Love,
and to love without fear,
spoke the truth in his words about loving a woman,
but his words ring true in general.
His words on love are words that we could all gain wisdom from when looking at relationships in general.
Can you imagine a world where we spoke our truth.
Where we told our feelings without expectation,
where we related because that is what humans do…
Can you imagine a world where love was not based on what you can do for me,
or I for you,
but on the actual feeling of love.
Can you imagine a world where love was not captivated and crucified at every upset in the day,
a world where loving each other was normal and not judged or shamed,
can you imagine a world where we each had respect for self,
compassion for self,
love for self,
and thus could freely offer the same to another.
Can you imagine a world where saying “I love you” did not bear with it the weight of marriage, commitment of a lifetime, legal documents or looks of concern.
Can you imagine being loved just for being you?
This is the love that Marley was speaking of.
This is the message that we all need to hear,
and this morning as I sit here and am blessed with the words,
“I love you.”
I feel called to share the importance that they actually hold.
I love you is a statement of acceptance.
A statement of respect and care,
I love you means that I do not want to control you,
that I appreciate you JUST AS YOU ARE.
I love you means that I am not expecting anything in return,
there are no conditions,
there are no rules or obligations,
I love you means that I SEE YOU.
JUST AS YOU ARE.
And when these words are uttered,
they should not hold the reins on our heart,
they should not be spoken in shame or in fear,
but instead be words that frees our soul.
I love you means that I love me too.
Because I could not feel this feeling,
pure and authentically,
if you were not mirroring the love that I feel for self.
That is what it is a message of.
When we feel deep love for another,
without control or possession of any sort,
without jealousy or fear of losing,
we are feeling true love.
And true love can only emerge when we feel the same for self.
Others that we feel this radiance for,
ignite the truth of our souls,
allow us to embrace our bigness,
our beauty, and truth.
When love is authentic and not based in need,
It is a sign of who we really are.
And at our cores,
WE ARE LOVE.
We taste it juiciness.
We bathe in its sweetness,
We dance freely in its light,
and we expand within its breath.
Without love life is empty.
And with false love,
control masked as such,
we hunger to hold on,
we fear its loss,
we hand over our power to whomever we deem our point of focus,
and lose who we are.
To love someone…
You may not be the first person to love them,
or the last,
not even the only one.
They have loved before,
they will love again,
But if they are loving you now,
What else matters?
They are not perfect – you aren’t either,
and the two of you may never have the perfect relationship together, no matter its label,
but if they make you smile and laugh,
cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto that love and give it the most you have.
They may not be thinking of you every moment of the day,
but that love will open you to your life,
that love will offer you something special,
something that you must respect, — your truth.
So don’t judge and shame your love,
don’t try and change it,
don’t analyze and
don’t expect more than what is shown.
Smile when you are happy,
let your feelings be known, even when mad,
let your words and actions be authentic.
Love with your whole being when you receive love,
Know that it is available at any moment,
it is your truth,
there is no such thing as perfect,
but there will always be love,
and it is all that matters.
How are you penetrating your life,
this world with your love?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
You were born worthy of so much more than what you are allowing right now.
It is time that you say YES to you.
Join me in a 4 week 1:1 mastermind intensive to learn the 7 keys to creating the life of your dreams no matter the chaos of the world.
Message me for deet’s now before the special ends on May 3rd, 2020.
You say that you could never do open relationship.
That you find it wrong and not natural.
You think it could never work and that it isn’t aligned with real intimate relationships.
You point to moral objections within your religious doctrines
Yet, you don’t see where you are already living and loving this way!
You are already in an open relationship baby!!!
Relationships are abound in our world. I’m guessing that you are in relationship with more than just one person in your life and most likely even have intimate emotional connections with more than one person in your life.
Sure, you might not be having sex with anyone else in your world but sex does not always equal intimacy.
I bet you have deep conversations and moments with other friends and family. Moments of sincere appreciation and vulnerability.
(If you don’t then that’s a whole other conversation and some intense coaching)
Are you telling me you aren’t intimate with anyone else?
Are you telling me that you don’t have an intimate relationship with God ?
God has set us free to have intimacy with others but you stand there claiming to desire to mirror God’s love…. preaching spirituality… and yet you don’t think it’s okay to set your partner free.
True freedom is giving your partner a chance to reject you! That is true love. That is true freedom. That is true openness.
Take your friends. Or your kids.
Do you just have one?
Do you restrict your love for one because of another?
Or do you just take the relationship with one for what it is and still love and connect with the other in a different way?
Or does it come down to you verbalizing that you want your partner to have freedom
But really you are ultimately holding jealousy and a desire to control in your heart.
Keeping your heart un-Godlike
Wanting to control their sex.
Wanting to control their feelings.
Wanting to control their ability to feel intimacy and connection.
By holding onto your partners sex you are chaining them in their growth process. Our sex is a driving force in our lives and is a creative force. By holding your partners sex down you are holding their growth as a human being down. Shutting down their ability to experience themselves and the world at a new depth.
Take is from me… every lover provides something juicy yet different.
It is a learning about self.
It is a learning about my spirit.
It is a learning about energy and connection.
By controlling your partners sex you are placing a collar around them as a person.
Real love comes when you give your partner the ability to follow their heart and are trusting that your connection is strong enough that they will come back to you.
That is real love.
Just like God is always trying to woo us and love us… but at the same time has given us the ultimate open relationship.
We have full freewill to reject
We have full freewill to have other relationships
Because there is a faith that the love is strong enough that we will always return.
God didn’t want puppets and yet you stand their trying to create puppets in your own life and using your faith as an excuse.
Open relationships are a very personal decision.
And they aren’t for everyone.
But I ask you to look at the true reasons that it isn’t for you.
Get to the heart of the matter and get real with self.
Because hiding behind false reasons isn’t helping you to expand and grow, nor is it helping your partner.
Love, light, & blessings,
Learn more from Addison HERE
You don’t own my sex!
You think that you want to own my sex.
You believe that it is love based.
You have been told that if someone loves you that they will not need, desire or be with anyone else.
You think that ownership is love.
But since when is slavery of any sort love?
sexual slavery is no more love than is
to brand and tag another human being and sell them to the highest bidder as though they are live stock.
That may seem offensive to some.
It may seem extreme to others.
I am pretty sure that many are flabbergasted in this moment that anyone would say such a thing in today’s world.
But seriously, owning someone else in any fashion or form is NOT LOVE.
And I can tell you that you have no right to own another persons sex.
It’s far more than the genitals that I speak of here.
It is one’s core.
It is one’s creative energy.
It is one’s soul.
Their guidance system if they are tapped into it.
Our alignment to life,
to our path,
and all that we can be stems from this place within ourselves.
It hubs all that we are.
It is our primal,
And you think that it is loving to own.
That it is loving to sign over the papers to such a thing.
That it is someones duty,
or a rightful expectation to demand that one give this to anyone?
May I challenge those of you who read this and want to spout back some negative comment,
some biblical quote,
some moral statement as you believe it to be,
may I challenge you to ask yourself this….
“What do I get out of owning another person’s sex?”
You need to get real here.
Because the truth of your desire and your fake love is found in the answer to this question IF….
IF you can be truthful in your answer.
And for those of you who cannot let me answer it for you.
And guess what?
All of these are fake.
Just like the love that you are claiming that “makes” you do it.
Love has nothing to do with ownership.
Love has nothing to do with having power over someones anything.
Love has nothing to do with security.
Let alone demanding and trying to force security.
Love is a risk.
Love is powerful.
Love is freeing.
Love is unconditional.
And it has NOTHING to do with our sex.
Sure you have far better,
more connective and intimate,
sex with love at play then without.
It takes you from two bodies rubbing against each other and enjoying some friction to a true opening,
and blissed out state.
But love has nothing to do with sex.
And it DOES NOT mean that we love someone more or less if we have sex with them or not.
Sex is not a barometer for love.
Sex is about feeling ones self in a most pure, authentic, real capacity.
Through our sexing we meet ourselves.
We feel ourselves.
And we expand in who we can be.
Through our sexing we are offered a taste of intimacy into ourselves.
That is what makes sex so damn intimate.
It is not intimate because we see another person naked.
It is not intimate because we are physically connecting.
It is not intimate because this other being is feeling anything or not.
It is intimate because we are experiencing all of this about OURSELVES with the assistance of another who is doing the same.
But this form of intimacy.
INTO – ME- I- SEE
only comes about when we are present with ourselves and no longer hiding from our shadows.
When we are being responsible for ourselves and not looking for anyone else to fill us in any way.
Not wanting to be completed by anyone else,
not wanting to feel loved by anyone,
or gain our happiness from anyone else.
This sort of intimacy comes when we are NOT IN NEED.
But in LOVE.
Love of self.
Happy with self.
Intimacy with self.
Whole in self.
Worthy in self.
If you believe that you “need” anyone else to do any of these things for you and that equates love then you are far, far away from true love my dear.
So one more question for you to ask of yourself….
“Do I feel more loved by my partner if they do not have sex with anyone but me?”
okay maybe two questions.
“And if yes, then what about them only having sex with me, makes me feel loved, or guarantees a greater love in your opinion?”
The reality is that we harbor a lot of judgement around our sex and the sex of others.
We condemn people for wanting sex.
We condemn people for not wanting sex.
We judge and call names,
label and make opinions into facts that do not exist,
based on on our judgments to make ourselves feel safe.
Feel better than.
And if you loved.
The way love is to be,
which is unconditional.
Than you would see that your judgments on another’s sex and your desire to control it for them,
is not of love,
but of ego.
And your own insecurities around your sex and heart.
You aim to protect yourself by controlling another’s actions.
You aim to protect and make sure that pain and suffering does not befall on you,
as if you were meant to never feel the contrast of pain in your life,
and as if pain and growth was wrong,
when in fact when one can lean in,
and love through the pain.
Through the fear.
Through all that we paint in our illusions of our ego,
and SIMPLY LOVE.
and allow for the reality that we are to love many in many forms of the word.
That “relationship” in any aspect is all about LOVE.
And without love, the relationship should not even be.
So to try and control one’s love or how they choose to connect in any relationship is nothing more than an insecurity based in fear and desire to hide from one’s own expansion and feelings.
It is a fear to experience the beauty of true unconditional loving.
I challenge you today my love,
to feel your true heart and to expand yourself and do the inquiry work so that you can have relationship based not in need and thus control, but in the beauty of surrendering to unconditional love.
This is not written to give permission to those who lie and cheat,
who step out of integrity and say that they just cannot be themselves. No this is not written to give any such permission.
This is written to challenge all who read it about what sort of love they have based their relationships in and to bring up the empowering discussions of truth and honesty, coming from a place of love and intimacy.
Communicate in love.
Not in fear.
Stop allowing your past pains to mask your current heart.
Step out of your desire to have what is not possible,
that requires faith, grace and communication.
Step out of that desire,
the desire for security and guarantee’s,
where your “love” remains the same and tidy in a box that it was never meant to be kept in.
Because my dear,
relationship will never be something that does not cause you pain.
It will push you to your limits.
It will challenge your core.
It will make you question all that you have believed and known,
and it will ask you to stand in who you are,
not of who you were, or will be.
Yes my dear,
relationship is just this and nothing more.
It is a place where we meet ourselves in all,
where we get to embrace if we allow,
our hearts and heal our wounds.
Strengthen our love and KNOW our core.
You do not own my sex.
And your sex is not owned.
You are a free soul.
A free being.
Remember this my love.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”
**FUN FACT – There are five loves in this picture. And even though some are still beside me and some are no longer active roles in my life. All are still unconditionally loved by me.**
From Guest Author Addison Bell
It’s all fun and games until you actually have to deal with the other side.
You sit and desire certain characteristics of those in your life, and especially out of a romantic partner. Yet, I daresay that many times you are asking for a mess of contradictions.
Its easy to look at some aspirational values and personality traits and think that this is exactly what you want to pull into your life but if you aren’t careful you will end up pulling in exactly what you don’t desire.
And the funny thing is that your Ego would probably throw a tantrum and say, “But I do do desire it, I do want that, I can hold that person” but in the end you really can’t handle it.
You might desire someone who is playful and has that flirty personality that makes you feel all bubbly inside… until they are flirty and playful with others and it smacks right into your jealousy and trust issues.
You might desire someone that knows how to act like a “lady” or “gentleman” when you are out in public and can hold the proper level of poise… until they are always poised and never able to let go of that persona (even in the bedroom).
You might desire someone that has their own life and is more free flowing with the relationship. Someone that isn’t that awful word “clingy”… until they can’t be there and support you the way that you need and you never truly feel held.
And really any trait that you desire in a partner is going to have the opposite side.
It is pretty commonly known from a psychological perspective that in relationships the aspects that often attract you to your partner are also the very same aspects that can cause the greatest struggle.
There is that old saying about how men should want a lady in the streets and a freak in the streets.
We want our partners to be both sides of a coin….
And most of the time it can mean the destruction of a relationship!
Now, thankfully we are complex beings and so are not one thing or the other. If you take the above example of having a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets… I know many women that are able to present one aspect of themselves when out at dinner parties and then turn around and have a mind-blowing sexual evening with a partner. Both are authentically them and both are aspects of who they ae.
Though these women have also worked through the stereotypes that come with both sides of the coin and know where they are authentically.
Though, lets be honest, yes I mean really honest here…
Most people are NOT doing deep personal work on a daily basis. And most people are not willing to look at when their ego’s arise in relationships. So when an aspect that is a turn on in one sense becomes a turn-off… we blame that other person. We don’t look at ourselves and where WE might be the ones that have unspoken expectations.
Many times we even struggle to admit where we struggle in relationships and where our ego’s simply can’t handle something.
You want a partner that is free, playful, open-minded but then when this pushes on your jealousy, your need for attention, and your belief that there is a certain way to “do” relationships…
Can you actually look yourself in the face or actually look that other person and say, “I don’t want you to be so free”. “I wish you weren’t so playful”, “I want you to be open-minded but just not about this topic”.
Most would look at the other person as the issue and not be able to truly say… “I am not able to hold this aspect of you”.
Again, we are complex and hold so many intricacies. Each person, situation, and experience will present a different expression of self. So what fits and is a desire with one partner or relationship could be entirely different than what fits and is a desire in another relationship.
In truth it all comes back (as always) to self and looking deep within ones self authentically. What are we desiring in our relationships? And then looking at if we truly could hold that characteristic in another if it presented to us. Where would our ego get shaken? What are non-negotiable in our relationships?
If you want freedom… how free?
If you want play… how playful?
If you want stable… how stable?
If you want sexy… how sexy?
What can you truly, honestly, at your core hold?
Get honest with yourself! And start doing your inner work to help you be able to look within when situations arise.
And more than even that…
Get honest with self when someone presents something that truly won’t fit with you and your life. Don’t pretend to be okay with something that is a hard NO. This will only push you further and further out of alignment from self.
Most importantly LOVE self first and foremost. When we do this we are most able to be authentic, honest, and love another. Even if the way we are loving that other is by letting them go and be who they are authentically.
Sending you all…
Love, Light, & Blessings,
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.
Is group sex really as taboo as it seems?
Tradition holds that if we want to have sex, we’ve got to partner up. Once you find your mate, you can place A into B to create C. But what happens when you add someone to the party? And then another. And another, and another….
Group sex is one of those things that make some people go “hmm.” It’s seemingly taboo and kinky and yet, spontaneously attractive. There’s a reason why PornHub’s “Orgy” category holds over 7,000 videos. Most of the collection consists of thrusting bodies, flapping genitalia, oily messes, and tons of fingers — pretty much what you’d expect out of a “group sex” setting. And while that description may leave some a bit scandalized, it piques the interest of others.
In her book, The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace Through Pleasure, sex therapist Susan Block details a standard sexual environment in the life of our “long-lost kissing cousins,” the bonobo, writing, “Bonobo eroticism doesn’t discriminate between genders: all bonobos are, according to their fashion, bisexual or pansexual. Some bonobo sex is relatively private, but most is out in the open where others may watch or join in.”
Block’s description of group sex in humans sets a similar tone. She told me over the phone, “Group sex is not artificial. It’s very natural. And group sex is not particular. ”She added, “I think there’s something in all of us that responds to this idea of ‘more than one.’”
She brought up the notion of “collective joy” and introduced an argument made by Barbara Ehrenreich in her book, Dancing In the Street. Ehrenreich suggests that sporting arenas, nightclubs and dance halls function as some of the few spaces society has designated to this idea of “collective joy.” Block says sex may very well have been one of channels through which our ancestors experienced the phenomenon.
But just because something once was doesn’t make it relevant today. Those who don’t buy the “maybe nature made us this way” hypothesis may lean on another to explain the drive for group sex: it’s fun, and fun things make you happy.
Block told me, “The couple unit is great. I’m all for the couple unit. I’m in a couple unit myself: 23 years of marriage. I’m very romantic about the couple. And yet, it can be the most suffocating thing in the world, you know, to expect everything from one person. I mean, most of us are expected to meet all of our sexual and erotic needs within one relationship of marriage that is supposed to last our entire lives.”
She added, “And there’s nothing wrong with that, and mostly, that’s what we need to do to have a regular sex life. And it’s probably the most intimate form of sex. But, I think there is something very special and truly wonderful about communal ecstasy and opening up to the group that partnered sex just isn’t.”
“Just the smell. Just the intensity of people having sex around you is going to light up your libido. I can guarantee it.”
An online study conducted by the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality polled 1,092 swingers to better understand the demographic. Of those who reported being in an “unhappy relationship” before swinging, 90.4% said their relationship became happier after entering the lifestyle. The study also found that swingers were more likely to report being in a “happy marriage” than the non-swingers interviewed. (Though some “experts” remain wary of the argument that swinging can actually improve marital happiness.)
Formal group sex takes place often in specific venues that follow a certain set of rules. They serve as one of the rare spaces where women truly call the shots. Couples and single women are welcome to play around in all areas of the club. Single men, if allowed in, are given limited access.
Block told me, “Male aggression is very toned down, and females are encouraged to be assertive… The sheer amount of estrogen just keeps things very peaceful.”
So long as you like group sex (and pussy) these places are where it’s at. Just make sure you’ve talked through the logistics with your partner beforehand. A lot of clubs have sections devoted to “dealing with jealousy” listed under the rules.
Intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau told me, “The idea that you can have what you want, that you can be the center of attention, that you can go after pleasure is somewhat alien in our society but I really think that that is a healthy kind of selfishness.”
Beneteau runs the company Pleasure Evolution with her partner, Trevor Jones.
Of course, no conversation about group sex would be complete without mention of voyeurism. Jones told me, “Speaking as a man who’s had a fantasy of being with two women, voyeurism is definitely key. Very few men can keep up with two women who have a high sex drive. So at some point, you’re sitting back watching them. And that’s sort of the enjoyment. You get to see live what you’ve only fantasized about and watched in pornography.”
Beneteau added, “For a lot of women, what happens is once they start getting turned on, and they come once, the get revved up. They have a high need to keep coming. And having multiple guys means they can tag out when they get tired.”
It’s true, a lot of people would be hurt to see their partner having sex with another person. I’d probably fall into that category myself. But if you’re willing to enter into a group sex environment, there are some things you’ve got to understand. One is the idea of compersion.
Compersion is a concept frequently cited by those who practice polyamory. The term refers to deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure. This experience can take different forms. Beneteau told me, “For us personally, if he’s been with somebody else, I like to hear about it. It turns me on. But we have to be naked. And we have to be fooling around.”
That said, developing this idea of compersion isn’t easy for those of us who grew up under the umbrella of monogamy. If it’s not something you want to take on, don’t try it. To each their own.
If you are interested in dipping a toe into the group sex scene, however, don’t let fears about jealousy stop you. Block says, “A little bit of possessiveness is okay… But people that ride this wave of swinging or group sex or polyamory turn the jealousy into compersion,” adding, “Jealousy is a feeling of connectedness that goes bad. Compersion is a feeling of connectedness that blossoms into good feelings for you.”
My confessions: I’m a hardcore romance junkie, like heroin and crack. And I can’t seem to confront myself directly without going through a man to do it.
What is it in here that is so disturbing to me that I can’t face it?
Perhaps the squirming snake of my own immense hunger, endless and ready to swallow the nutrient it craves whole. The moral-less flavor of it, the disregard it has for human life, for values, for ideals, for feelings, for “where people are at,” for slowing down and for “holding space.”
It’s this coiling boa constrictor of appetite that is simply meant to eat. The hunting predator in the woods doesn’t think at all except to calculate distance, how to make sure the wind doesn’t carry her scent to her prey, and how to have it be that her final powerful leap lands her right on top of her target.
This is the one in me who craves the romance. I don’t know why romance is the thing. I don’t know if it is because my dad used to drink and he used to leak emotion all over me when he was in his cups deep, emotion that had this thick sweet cloying romantic quality to it. Well yeah that’s probably it. All I know for sure is that it’s still something that has dominion over me, for better or worse. And now I find myself winding my way through another romance.
The stage is set. We have been seeing each other for a few weeks and while it’s new, there is a deep spot of involuntary that got touched in us both.
So there’s me: unconventional relationship practices for the last decade, anything close to monogamous not among them. And there’s him: if you love someone and they love you, and you have sex, you are now monogamous. And if that changes or goes off-course it equates total psychic devastation.
Some might see this as an impasse, but my mind is in heavy play-mode these days, so… I came up with a game. Thirty days of research – I am monogomish (I still practice Orgasmic Meditation with others) and he has to sleep with other people.
This is a huge edge for both of us on each side. For him, having me and having other women totally cracks open his concepts of conventional relating. What woman would afford her man these luxuries? Does it mean I don’t want him enough? Does it mean he might become some kind of “lesser” man who just likes to fuck loads of women?
And for me, well… I’ve prided myself in being a free woman for a number of years now. Free in her thinking and in her sex, a rare breed we call “turned-on women” who won’t allow themselves to lock down into too much conventionality lest they lose their ability to move freely in the world and liberate others. This looks different for all of us but for me a huge component of it was non-monogomy.
My sex is my furnace, my generator, my power; to hand the satisfaction of it all over to one person feels terrifying. Does it mean I’m not free anymore? Does it mean I’m going to sleep inside of my addiction to romance? Does it mean I won’t be able to produce enough fuel for my fire and my power will dwindle?
It’s day three. All I know so far is that there is a vigilant hunter that usually sweeps through the area as I walk through London, as I chat with people in a room, as I surf the internet. And this hunter is suddenly quieting in the arena of searching for prey.
Some part of me is softening into allowing myself to be pet and taken care of. This was so not the stroke for me in the past but now here I am and it is.
I can feel my insides relax into it unexpectedly and sink into a deeper sense of femininity and reception.
Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your married life a lot easier and a lot happier. We hold on to so many things that cause a great deal of stress and frustration in our relationships – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing our relationships to flourish and blossom – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today you will give up on all those things that no longer serve you, and you will embrace change. Starting today you will make your marriage work. Ready? Here we go:
1. Give up your unrealistic expectations
Give up all your unrealistic expectation about marriage being this beautiful box full of all the things you have always longed for and see marriage for what it truly is – an empty box where you and your partner MUST put all the things you want to take out. Accept that if you want to have love in your marriage, you have to put it there. If you want to have happiness, passion, intimacy, companionship, trust in your marriage, you have to put it there. Relationships take work, a lot of work and if you want to live a happy, beautiful and loving life next to your partner, you will both commit to making your marriage work. Always remember, relationships don’t work unless you do.
2. Give up control
People are made to be loved, not controlled. The more you try to control your partner, the more you will push him or her away from you and the less love there will be left between you two. Give up control and allow the ONE you love to just be. Allow the person you love to be who they are and not who you want them to be.
3. Give up possessiveness
No matter how long you two have been together and no matter if you are married and have 10 children together or not, you do not posses your partner. He/her is not your propriety. You both are two separate entities and just as you are separate from him, so is she separate from you. Give up possessiveness and allow your partner to breathe. Give him/ her the space and freedom they truly deserve and watch how much more beautiful your relationship becomes.
4. Give up criticism
Give up the need to criticize every little thing your partner does or doesn’t do and instead start appreciating those many things that made you fall in love with this person in the first place. Seek to praise not to criticize. Keep in mind that you attract more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.
“Compliments and criticism are all ultimately based on some form of projection.” ~ Billy Corgan
5. Give up the need to fix your partner
Relationships aren’t about fixing one another, relationships are about loving, caring and supporting one another. You might think it’s your responsibility to “save” and “fix” your partner but trust me, that’s not really the case. Give up the need to fix your partner and work on growing, improving and evolving together instead.
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ~ Albert Einstein
6. Give up your jealous behavior
”A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein
The root cause of jealousy is insecurity. Work on letting go of your insecurities and you will immediately understand the futility of a jealous behavior. You will immediately give jealousy up.
7. Give up on your fears
Give up the fear of cheating on one another, the fear of falling out of love, the fear of having your present relationship become as toxic as the previous ones and so on. Get out of your fearful head and into your loving heart. Give up on all your fears and love with all your heart.
“Perfect love casts out fear. If fear exists, then there is not perfect love.” ~ A Course In Miracles
8. Give up the chase for perfection
What screws us up the most is this idea we have in our heads about how relationships should be like and how our partners should behave. Instead of savoring, loving and praising one another, nurturing the relationships we have, we waste our precious time and energy seeking perfection, in ourselves, in our partner There’s no such thing as perfect relationships simply because there’s no such thing as perfect people. Your marriage is and always will be a reflection of who and your partner are – two perfectly imperfect people.
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” ~ Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
9. Give up on blame
Believe it or not, it’s not the other person’s job to make you feel all the things that you yourself can’t feel on your own. It’s not the other person’s job to make you feel loved, happy and whole when you yourself feel unworthy, unhappy and incomplete. That’s not their job, that’s your job. Give up the need to blame your partner for everything that goes wrong in your world, for why you aren’t feeling as loved and as happy as you would like to feel and start taking ownership for your own thoughts and feelings.
“Tell everyone you know: “My happiness depends on me, so you’re off the hook.” And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they’re doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel-and then, you’ll love them all. Because the only reason you don’t love them, is because you’re using them as your excuse to not feel good.” ~ Esther Hicks
10. Give up the need to always be right
Remember when you and your partner first started dating? Remember how beautiful and how lovingly you spoke to one another? Back then you didn’t care whether you were right all the time or not. All that you cared about was to make the other person feel loved, appreciated and happy. So why change now? Give up the need to always be right and choose to be kind, loving and supportive instead.
“Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages. People who are permanently married are polite to one another. They don’t want to hurt one another’s feelings, and they don’t try to make the other one feel humiliated. People who are married for life are extremely kind to one another.” ~ Frank Pittman
11. Give up living your life according to the other person’s expectations
It’s true that relationships require compromise but when you compromise too often, living your life according to the other person’s expectations, you risk losing yourself and that’s how you start feeling bitter, depleted, frustrated and very unhappy. Don’t lose the “I” in playing the “We” game. Compromise when needed but not so much that you lose your sense of self. Balance is key.
“The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.” ~ Mignon McLauglin
12. Give up your clingy behavior
There’s nothing less attractive than a person who clings onto his/her partner expecting the other person to provide all their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Take the “pressure” off of your partner’s shoulders and put it on your shoulders instead. Seek to become the provider of your own their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Be the source of your own happiness.
“You have so little faith in yourself because you are unwilling to accept the fact that perfect love is in you, and so you seek without for what you cannot find within.” ~ A Course In Miracles
13. Give up asking for more than you give
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ Anthony Robbins
If you enter a relationship expecting to get a lot more than you give, chances are that you will have many marriage regrets. The only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. Give more, ask less.
14. Give up your emotional baggage
Make peace with your past. Make peace with your “stuff”. Don’t carry the heavy weights of your past with you into the present. If you want to build a happy, loving and healthy relationship, you have to start fresh, you have to leave your emotional baggage behind.
“The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. What is grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion.” ~ Lao Tzu
15. Give up attachment
There is a huge difference between love and attachment and what most people call “love” is nothing more than attachment. Attachment comes from a place of fear, while love is pure, kind, and selfless. Love is ready to detach and let go if the relationship between two people becomes toxic and detrimental to the healthy growth and evolution of both parties. Attachment on the other hand loves to hold onto toxicity, feeding itself with the pain and suffering of people.
Deepak Chopra says it best with these words: “Love allows your beloved the freedom to be unlike you. Attachment asks for conformity to your needs and desires. Love imposes no demands. Attachment expresses an overwhelming demand – “Make me feel whole.” Love expands beyond the limits of two people. Attachment tries to exclude everything but two people.”
And these are the 15 things you should give up to make not only marriage work but also any romantic relationship.
P.S. It’s very important to understand that some people, no matter how much they love one another and no matter how much they want to make their marriage work, might not be able to do so simply because they both learned the lessons they had to learn and now life calls them in different directions. To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert, soul mates, they might come into your life to reveal another layer of yourself to you, to help you see a part of you that you did not know was there, but when the work is done, they will leave, making room for something new, for something better to come your way.
This is why it’s so important to listen to your heart and intuition and make sure that you don’t stay in a relationship that makes you feel dead on the inside simply because that’s what society and everyone around you expects you to do. Your peace of mind, health, happiness and wellbeing are more important than anything else. So stay happy!
“The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It’s a choice you make – not just on your wedding day, but over and over again – and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.” ~ Barbara De Angelis
If it’s true that marriages are meant to last for life, why is it that so many people divorce? What do you think is the key ingredient to make a marriage work? I really want to know what are your thoughts on this. You can share your insights by joining the conversation in the comment section below
With all my love,
Men are mystified by women’s sexuality – actually we’re terrified of it. Our greatest fear? That we’ll disappoint you, that you’ll dream about or find someone is better or bigger than us and that you’ll never open yourself to us again.
As a woman, you make yourself vulnerable by revealing an experience or describing a fantasy. As men, we hear the details as a challenge to us to deliver it precisely as described. We think you’re like us and that every detail is something you want in real life exactly as you imagined it.
Your romantic fantasies have us mentally calculating the expense of the trip to the exotic location and the legalities of being arrested on the beach or in the waterfall. Your more vivid ones make us fear we need to be some kind of endowed gymnast to avoid disappointing you.
What men don’t realize is that the most desirable quality for a woman isn’t muscles, sexual gymnastics or impressive endowment, it’s a partner that a woman trusts enough to simply EXPRESS herself openly to.
The reason 50 Shades of Grey was popular wasn’t because it was well written (it wasn’t) or the specific sex it described, it was because the man described was confident and utterly unembarrassed about his own sexuality and created a safe space for the woman to express both her curiosity and limitations.
Most men are stuck – we don’t intend to be, we just have fewer places than women to have healthy conversations about sexuality.
We grew up on a diet of dirty jokes and pornography with the guys while publicly the puritanical beliefs from our families, our churches and sex Ed classes made us think everything we wanted was dirty.
We’re terrified that someone will discover that we’re deviants if we reveal out fantasies or inadequate lovers if we open up about our insecurities.
At our core we suspect that women don’t want sex, that we have to convince you to like it so that we can get it. It’s almost inconceivable to us that it’s something you’d actually want or think about.
Because they fear your sexuality, Nice Guys lack bravado inside or outside the bedroom while Bad Boys try to keep up their ‘show’ when their clothes come off or reveal themselves as the timid boys they really are when things become genuinely intimate.
A conscious man realizes that a woman is open when she feels seen, safe, respected and supported. An exceptionally conscious man understands that foreplay for a woman begins the moment sex ends and that she will be open to him as long as she continues to feel seen, respected and supported.
A conscious man doesn’t disconnect (roll over, turn on the TV, leave her alone to clean up). He knows that as long as he adores her and never stops showing that he supports her that she never turns *off*.
She might not think about sex the casual way he does, but if he proves to be magnificent in her *little* things he’ll find her magnificently available with his *big* things.
Graham R White