Are You Falling Prey To This Lie Like Millions?

 

THERE IS  A LIE WE BELIEVE THAT CHANGES ALL OF OUR UNDERSTANDING….

 

With all the worlds chaos and turbulence,

I am witnessing a massive amount of said “lightworkers,” christians, believers of faith and LOA, genuianly “good” souls fall prey to the misconception around a lie that they have bought full heartedly into,

 

and that lie is AWARENESS = ALWAYS BEING POSITIVE

 

It is funny how we humans are so eager to jump down one another’s throats in ego and pain,

we point fingers of blame and cuddle up in our victimhood statues of reasoning,

quick to accuse others of being blind, low vibe or even spiritually bypassing issues and feelings,

but then in the same turn of spewing out all these negative charges,

show frustration and even fear toward truth that does hurt.

Toward truth and awareness that does not fit into what we call “spiritual” or “high vibe.”

 

We shun the concept of awareness that is not always uplifting.

As if seeing the true pain, sorrow, or darkness that does mask each of us in it’s own way and the world in general can just be ignored fully and by ignoring and ONLY focusing in on the good that we will somehow make the evils go away.

 

It is sort of like the child who is afraid of monsters in the closet so they hide their head under the blankets of their bed and tell themselves as long as I think happy thoughts then there will be no monsters,

but in reality the monsters they are hiding from are their abusive parents fighting in the hallway.

 

We will never make the evils of this world go away.

That is the truth.

What we perceive as evil is here for a reason,

it is upon this planet to create contrast.

 

Without contrast in our world we can never know what we desire or want for,

we would not evolve and expand.

It is only through contrast that we fully experience living.

 

But here is the conundrum for humanity,

how are we to manifest good if we witness the bad and get caught in it?

 

The key is getting caught in it or not.

 

There is this concept that feeling sad, angry, upset or any emotion that is not even keel is not good, is not natural.

It is encouraged in many belief structures and in how we raise our children to hold in the pain and anger and not let it out unless we want to be perceived as weak.

 

This is a falsity and one of the most unhealthy programs that we teach.

 

WIth this we have enwrapped ourselves in the idea that AWARENESS ….

 

AKA Consciousness,

is only and always to be UPLIFTING.

 

And when we share awareness that is not uplifting that we are in turn trying to fear monger.

 

Now don’t get me wrong, what we are all witnessing in our world of current and for many generations is just that from our leaders and media,

we are for sure being programmed by our trust in them and through television programming systems,

just as planned by those that control.

 

I am not speaking of the agendas of those who crave more power and are corrupt to the core,

I am speaking about the rest of society waking up to the truths that these dark souls are hiding in plain sight from us.

 

I am speaking about the fact that in order for you to heal anything or make powerful uplifting changes that you must….

 

First, become AWARE of the issue. And this may not be uplifting to awaken to the reality of a nightmare.

 

And second, see what the contrast that this nightmare is offering to your level of desire.

 

 

From here we can make significant change.

And yes focusing in on it after this point,

getting caught in all its entrappings of fear and darkness will not change it to what you desire for instead but, rather help it to gain power through the momentum of your fear around any such troublesome topic.

 

Your awareness transformed to true sight of what the opportunity that is actually being offered,

 

which is a desire for something better,

for healing,

for love and peace,

equality and safety,

etc.

can then be fully embraced.

 

It is here in this AWARENESS which is uplifting when we  empower ourselves with our true heart,

that what we focus on grows.

Here we can now CONSCIOUSLY move ourselves from witnessing the nightmare to putting our focus on what is good in our world.

 

When we consciously choose to move our focus and experience onto good we create more good.

And we do not get caught in the nightmare although we are aware of it existing.

 

This is not spiritual bypassing or ignoring of any sort,

it is being proactive with our life expression, thoughts and feelings.

 

It is not just hiding our heads under the covers and “trying” to think good thoughts,

but in turn moving ourselves authentically into good feeling experiences which means to focus on the sun coming up each day, the people in our lives who love us, our dog excited we are playing fetch, our child hugging us, our lover desiring us, the food in our fridge, that our car works, our heart is beating, the birds are chirping, Ozarks has a season 4….lol

 

Whatever makes you genuinely feel good.

That is the ticket.

And to hold this good feeling though for just one minute each day without doubt.

 

Did you catch that?

 

Without doubt.

 

Doubt destroys the feeling.

Doubt pulls us back to the fear and the hiding,

and from there we fall into our pain bodies and fight amongst ourselves which in turn keeps the fires of our world burning ever so more greatly.

 

To create the world and the life that we desire most for,

we must become AWARE and we MUST learn to find the beauty and empowerment in our own darkness,

When we can be grateful for our darkness we will then be able to see its truth in its offering to us and make conscious choices to breathe into life the world we crave most for.

 

Embrace the contrast.

 

And AS Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

www.kendalwilliams.com

Learn to manifest an unbound life today.

One World Topic – Bringing Awareness Home

Photo Credit NBC12.com

SO, WHAT HAS PROTESTING ACCOMPLISHED??

Within 10 days of sustained protests:
👉🏾 Minneapolis bans use of choke holds.

👉🏾Charges are upgraded against Officer Chauvin, and his accomplices are arrested and charged.

👉🏾Dallas adopts a “duty to intervene” rule that requires officers to stop other cops who are engaging in inappropriate use of force.

👉🏾New Jersey’s attorney general said the state will update its use-of-force guidelines for the first time in two decades.

👉🏾In Maryland, a bipartisan work group of state lawmakers announced a police reform work group.

👉🏾Los Angeles City Council introduces motion to reduce LAPD’s $1.8 billion operating budget.

👉🏾MBTA in Boston agrees to stop using public buses to transport police officers to protests.

👉🏾Police brutality captured on cameras leads to near-immediate suspensions and firings of officers in several cities (e.g., Buffalo, Ft. Lauderdale).

👉🏾Monuments celebrating confederates are removed in cities in Virginia, Alabama, and other states.

👉🏾Street in front of the White House is renamed “Black Lives Matter Plaza.”
Military forces begin to withdraw from D.C.

Then, there’s all the other stuff that’s hard to measure:

💓The really difficult public and private conversations that are happening about race and privilege.

💓The realizations some white people are coming to about racism and the role of policing in this country.

💓The self-reflection.

💓The internal battles exploding within organizations over issues that have been simmering or ignored for a long time. Some organizations will end as a result, others will be forever changed or replaced with something stronger and fairer.

Globally:

🌎 Protests against racial inequality sparked by the police killing of George Floyd are taking place all over the world.

🌎 Rallies and memorials have been held in cities across Europe, as well as in Mexico, Canada, Brazil, Australia, and New Zealand.

🌎 As the US contends with its second week of protests, issues of racism, police brutality, and oppression have been brought to light across the globe.

🌎 People all over the world understand that their own fights for human rights, for equality and fairness, will become so much more difficult to win if we are going to lose America as the place where ‘I have a dream’ is a real and universal political program,” Wolfgang Ischinger, a former German ambassador to the US, told the New Yorker.

🌎 In France, protesters marched holding signs that said “I can’t breathe” to signify both the words of Floyd, and the last words of Adama Traoré, a 24-year-old black man who was subdued by police officers and gasped the sentence before he died outside Paris in 2016.

🌎 Cities across Europe have come together after the death of George Floyd:

✊🏽 In Amsterdam, an estimated 10,000 people filled the Dam square on Monday, holding signs and shouting popular chants like “Black lives matter,” and “No justice, no peace.”

✊🏽 In Germany, people gathered in multiple locations throughout Berlin to demand justice for Floyd and fight against police brutality.

✊🏾 A mural dedicated to Floyd was also spray-painted on a stretch of wall in Berlin that once divided the German capital during the Cold War.

✊🏿 In Ireland, protesters held a peaceful demonstration outside of Belfast City Hall, and others gathered outside of the US embassy in Dublin.

✊🏿In Italy, protesters gathered and marched with signs that said “Stop killing black people,” “Say his name,” and “We will not be silent.”

✊🏾 In Spain, people gathered to march and hold up signs throughout Barcelona and Madrid.

✊🏾 In Athens, Greece, protesters took to the streets to collectively hold up a sign that read “I can’t breathe.”

✊🏾 In Brussels, protesters were seen sitting in a peaceful demonstration in front of an opera house in the center of the city.

✊🏾In Denmark, protesters were heard chanting “No justice, no peace!” throughout the streets of Copenhagen, while others gathered outside the US embassy.

✊🏾 In Canada, protesters were also grieving for Regis Korchinski-Paquet, a 29-year-old black woman who died on Wednesday after falling from her balcony during a police investigation at her building.

✊🏾 And in New Zealand, roughly 2,000 people marched to the US embassy in Auckland, chanting and carrying signs demanding justice.

💐 Memorials have been built for Floyd around the world, too. In Mexico City, portraits of him were hung outside the US embassy with roses, candles, and signs.

💐 In Poland, candles and flowers were laid out next to photos of Floyd outside the US consulate.

💐 And in Syria, two artists created a mural depicting Floyd in the northwestern town of Binnish, “on a wall destroyed by military planes.”

Before the assassination of George Floyd some of you were able to say whatever the hell you wanted and the world didn’t say anything to you…

THERE HAS BEEN A SHIFT, AN AWAKENING…MANY OF YOU ARE BEING EXPOSED FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE. #readthatagain

Don’t wake up tomorrow on the wrong side of this issue. Its not to late to SAY,

“maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective.

Maybe I don’t know what its like to be Black in America…

Maybe, just maybe, I have been taught wrong.”

There is still so much work to be done. It’s been a really dark, raw week. This could still end badly. But all we can do is keep doing the work.

Keep protesting.

Vehicular Assault In The Bedroom – Is It Acceptable?

A man is out with his buddies after a long day at the office. They stop into a local pub to have a drink or two and shoot the shit. A few hours go by, they root for the sports team, throw about some “F” bombs, share about the days and the stupid people at work. The man starts to feel tired so decides it’s time to head home to his family.
On his drive home he gets more exhausted and his eyes are heavy. The couple of drinks although they don’t significant impact him are not making things any better right now.
He comes up to an intersection and does not slow down in time, thinking there is not really traffic at this hour and is not overly concerned about running a stop sign in his quiet neighborhood.
Unfortunately, as he roles through the stop sign he hits a pedestrian.
He did not see this person out walking and somehow completely missed their presence on the curb as they stepped off the curb to cross the road.
The man is later charged with vehicular assault. He has his driver’s license taken from him, serves time in jail and pays a hefty fine. He has this mark on his record for some time to come.
Is this right?
Does he deserve to have his whole life tipped upside down over an accident. He was not drunk. He was not speeding. He was not deliberately trying to harm another human.
Yet his life is upside down from this event.
Seriously now, ponder this.
Does he deserve to be punished as the law states?
If he had killed this pedestrian his punishment would have been worse.
Now if you are like most people,
you may say,
“Yes he deserves the punishment.”
–>He was being clumsy and not responsible in his actions.
–>He should have not had as much to drink as he did, stopped sooner, ate some food to offset his alcohol.
–>He should have just gone home in the first place since he was tired.
–>He knew his state of being and should have worked harder at being more present while driving.
–>He knew the streets in his neighborhood well, he knew that the stop sign was there, so he should have stopped.
–> Etc. Etc.
You may also think it brutal that his whole world get’s halted and goes into chaos from the accident, thinking that may be a little harsh BUT, it was ultimately his fault. His mistake and look at what he did to the pedestrian and their life? Can they function fully? Do they need surgery? What came of their life?
Now let’s look at the this same man,
same tail,
He is out to the pub with his buddies, he gets tired and he decides to go home to his loving family. He goes home with no issues. His children greet him on their way to bed, his wife has saved him dinner in the microwave and kisses him hello.
She inquires about his day and he says it was okay, just a bunch of stupid people to deal with as usual.
They settle into watching a TV show and news.
All seems happy and normal.
They go to bed and the man snuggles up behind his wife rubbing her hip and butt a little. He kisses her softly on the neck a couple times. He slips his hand down between her legs from behind to touch her pussy. Tapps it softly with his fingers. Brings his hand back up, spits in his hand and rubs his spit on her vulva that is exposed from this position. He is hard and ready, she is laying on her side holding her breath. She knows what is coming and even though she does not want it, she says nothing. Hoping that maybe he won’t. Maybe he will see that she is not interested.
He rubs the spit around a bit more, grabs his erection and without word sticks it into her. He is on his knees, holding her hip down to hold her on her side. He is forceful, fast and deep in his penetration. He is moaning in pleasure and giving primal earthy groans as he fucks her. She does not move. He continues until he cums.
He lays down behind her, kisses her on the cheek and says,
” I love you. Good night.”
She stays still as he drifts off to sleep and starts to snore.
When he is snoring, she gets up and goes to the bathroom.
His cum is dripping out of her.
She sits to pee.
As she pee’s her vulva and labia burn from the friction of the sex that her body was not ready for.
Her gut hurts from the anxiety and pain of going through this.
And tears stream down her cheeks as she softly sobbs, hoping no one will hear her, hoping that she can just make it through the night and next day.
The morning comes,
the sun rises.
her husband is rested and ready for his work day.
He grabs coffee and breakfast,
kisses the kids and her goodbye,
wishes them all a good day and tells her that he loves her.
She gets the kids ready and out the door for school,
darts to the shower where she washes herself diligently because she feels so filthy and disgusting. She weeps as the whole event and every event before it no matter from her husband or another man plays in her head like some morbid cruel reality show. She gets out of the shower, telling herself its time to put the game face on. She has a family that needs her and work to get done. No time for this pity party and after all he is her husband and he is a man and it just is the way it is. After all, he loves her. He is a good provider, a good father.
She has nothing to want for.
But she wants.
She wants for the pain to go away.
She wants to feel loved, not used.
She wants to not feel the anxiety around going to bed every night or waking up in the morning to the same event.
She wants for him to see that what he is doing is not okay.
That her world internally is upside down and she is slowly falling apart.
–>Her work life is stressful.
–>She cannot stay focused.
–>Her physical body is always sick and hurting.
–>Her hormones are out of balance.
–>She is exhausted physically and emotionally.
–>She is irritable.
–>She cries for what seems like no reason randomly.
–>She has no real interest in life.
–>She appears to be depressed.
–>She gained a bunch of weight.
–>She is drinking more and popping pills to sleep, to wake up, to keep her going and keep her mood somewhat stabilized.
Now I want you to ponder this scenario.
What comes up for you?
Is this acceptable?
Is it okay that her world is upside down and that she is living in this state?
Is it ok that her husband just continues on like this?
I mean after all,
–> He had a tough day at the office.
–> He was tired and most likely just did not realize what he was doing.
–> He had a few drinks so he was not fully aware and did not catch that she was not into it.
–>If she was into it she would have said something or pushed him away, right? So its her fault.
–>He needed the release to help him sleep, to help him destress.
–>Men need sex more than women.
–>Most women are never into it and are none orgasmic unless drunk so this is normal.
–> She just needs to get over it, its not that big of a deal, its just a little sex.
–> He does everything for her, there is no question of his love.
–>Its not like he physically broke her or tried to kill her. He did not hit her with a car.
–> His actions were not on purpose. His intent was not to harm, he thought she was okay with it.
So that makes his actions of flipping her life upside down acceptable?
But if he hits a pedestrian then he should have been more present,
he should have paid more attention and known where he was at and what the dangers were.
He hit a pedestrian and now they cannot function clearly, they are in pain, they are emotionally messed up, their home and work life are in shambles.
So for that yes, he needs to be punished for harming another human even though it was not on purpose.
Really?
I want you today to sit with these tales.
I want you to go deep inside yourself and ask yourself why one is okay and the other is not?
I want you to ask yourself why excuses and lack of understanding and presence should be easily forgiven or not even considered when we speak about raping a partner but it is different for other events?
And then I want you to realize that 74% of married/coupled women go through this weekly or monthly.
And if you are a man who is married or coupled with a woman I want you to examine your choices and get real.
Stop accepting excuses from self and others.
The damage caused from moments like this is not small and most of the time cannot be  repaired fully. This sort of event tears apart the foundations of love and trust.
And if you think differently then you are a fool.
It’s time to wake up men.
It’s time to stop being blind to your haphazard self centered ways and its time to actually love your woman.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”
Want to learn more on healing relationships in 2020 and how to uncomplicate your couplehood. Reach out to me for deet’s on my individual and couples coaching available globally.

Ignorance Is Not Permission

Most men cannot fathom what sex is like for a woman in any possible fashion.
 
The link between the emotional,
the mental and the physical is not something a man typically can understand to the depths of the feminine.
 
It is truly a rare masculine who obtains this sort of awareness and understanding and then adhears to it.
 
Most men are boys in their sexing,
allowing ignorance to rule thier love making and haphazardly moving forward in it.
 
Unfortunately this style of relating to the feminine only ends in the cause of severe trauma to the female and frustration and shut down to both parties.
 
In sexing it is often assumed that sex is just sex.
And it most certainly can be.
That is why one night stands can be fantastic,
we can walk into a sexual encounter,
being open, playful and wanting to simply have fun and a good orgasm. Typically both parties are very present in these moments and the ego nature of us humans being have us wanting to show what we can do, so we make sure to leave a promising memory with this person to that we feel proud about when they look back at this memory they will still carry a “Wow, that lover was great!” vibe.
 
Unfortunately we don’t bring this same sort of concept into our long term relationships.
 
Here we focus more on what commitment means to us and how we can best get our needs met over all.
Accepting mediocre connection time, intimacy and sex until it wears one or both parties out and empties the relationship of all the glue that was holding it together.
 
The allowance of mediocre sexing and intimacy in our relationships is the succumbing to hopelessness and thus the enabling of blind trauma to occur.
 
How is this possible if both parties seemingly agree to have the mediocre sexing though?
 
A few things are happening:
 
1) Most women do not know how to ask for what they need in sex and have ton’s of shame wrapped up around sex in general, believing that it is mostly for the man and his pleasure as well as a frustration to their own pleasure because it “takes too long” for her to achieve any result.
 
2) Most women will test their men, as the feminine does to see how present the man is and how much he really wants to give to her or how much she means to him so will not communicate what is needed because she wants and needs his penatrative inquiry.
 
3) If a woman has shared her needs and desires with a man, she is now looking for him to make the appropraite calibration and show that he was being present with her in his listening and has a desire to please her.
 
4) If mediocre sexing continues typically a woman will just give up. In her giving up she shuts down her sex even more as well as her heart to her man. Her trust in him has been so far breached from his haphazord pushing forward and ignorant resisance to listening and applying what has been shared that she knows now that he is untrustworthy of holding her heart and love. So even though she may remain with him physically he slowly and often quiet quickly looses her heart forever.
 
5) Men focus on the number of thrusts and the speed they can move in sexing, thinking that changing position every 3 minutes is an ideal, when in fact a woman needs her lover to slow down, focus in on certain spots with attention and care not force and speed. If men were to treat a womans whole body as a sexual organ then he would be able to bring her attention to openning up sexually and ignite her sexual juices
 
6) Men typically get focused on the genitals, especailly their genitals and forget all about the females body. Ignoring what the body reactions are and even block out what the woman is saying during sex whether with her voice or with her hands and body language. This is where he becomes blind to her requests to stay in one place, to keep that rhythm, to give more or less. In the ignoring of what her body and voice are asking for he often without realization ends up either hurting her phsyically or leaving her hanging on the brink of orgasm with no release causing female blue balls and over a time frame sexual shut down which leads to emotional distancing and hormone disturbance.
 
7) Women often tell their man that they would never say no to him sexually. On the front side of a relationship this is stated in playfulness and is meant full heartedly. But the woman is also most likely getting fed orgasm by her man as well. Once the tides turn and she is no longer being cared for sexually, she may adhear to this statement but every time a man assumes that it is okay to just push for sex in this way he is causing physical/emotional and mental trauma to his female partner.
 
8) If your woman is not having real orgasms, not just a few clitorial ones, but real deep G-spot or cervical orgasms blended with the clitorial ones then it is pretty simple to assume that at some point she will start to feel like a masturbation tool for you, and that she does not matter to you as a person or as your woman. Every sexual encounter will turn into a rape trauma for her no matter how great it felt for you as the man. The more this happens, the deeper she will burry herself from you to protect her heart. No amount of flowers, trips, gifts or sweet “I love you’s and you are world to me.” will matter, because the evidence of how much she really matters shows between the sheets in your sexing.
 
So what is the solution?
How can Mr. Fix It – fix it?
 
Listen to your woman.
–>Inquire with the questions that your ego is scared to ask.
 
–>Don’t accept the answer,
“I am fine, we are fine/good.” – “Our sex is good.”
If you think your woman is having an orgasm in sex, question what orgasm really is and what it looks and feels like when you are with her.
 
–>Read my article – 90 Days Without Orgasm https://www.tantrictransformation.com/90-days-of-no-orgasm-say-what/
and pay attention to the list of 29 things that happen to women when they don’t have reeal orgasm in their life, if your woman has these things or just some of them, do the reeality check with yourself as to what the truth is no matter what she says to save your delicate ego, ( because yes, all of us women believe that men cannot handle the truth in this department and that if we tell them the truth then love will be retracted from us or that our man will become distant or anger, guilt or shame us and that its just better an easier if we go along without sharing the truth.)
 
–> Slow down in the bedroom.
–> Make love to her vulva and breasts first.
–> Always, always, always get permission for sex!
–> Make sure she cums first and if possible multiple times.
–> Be present with her whole body not just what face she is making, her face can lie to you.
–> Listen to her requests and do as directed.
–> Don’t make everything about the sex. You woman needs communication, connection and your time and presence outside of sexing as well.
–> Check your ego FREQUENTLY.
–> Stop accepting average and ordinary sexing in your life and relationship.
 
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
 
Want to learn more about female sexuality and how to achieve deep connective states of being with a woman? Want to learn the secrets of superiour love making and relating? Reach out to me for individual or couples coaching now. It is a perfect time to save your relationship and reignite the passion. I work with people globally.

How Prince Charming Looses His Charm.

How Prince Charming Looses His Charm.
 
Alright gents,
here is a little musing that you need to read if you have a lady love or you ever want to be in a relationship with a woman and keep it sizzeling.
 
Relationships on the front side can be so playful, adventurous, passionate, hot, caring, supportive and can make you feel like the other person “just get’s you.”
 
This is how we start.
In the beginning we are focused on discovery of each other,
we are focused on courting and sharing.
We are facinated by this person that has walked into our lives and we find ourselves being deeply vulnerable and open with them.
 
It’s beautiful.
And we feel like this is love.
 
In fact it is NRE – new relationship energy.
After a period of time however, this NRE starts to dwindle.
It dies down and we start to meet the real person,
which can be nice but it can also shed some light on all that we had not noticed and that we don’t align too as well.
 
On top of that, with the NRE dwindling down so does the sexual chemistry.
 
What was once a hot turned on relationship with ton’s of playful sex and intimacy,
can quickly turn the corner to boring and dull,
effortless friction based sexing.
 
Then unfortunatley,
both parties allow for this to happen,
making excuses along the way for why it is,
 
“Work has been exhuasting.”
“I am just tired all the time.”
“Kids and family.”
“We just can’t find the time to squeeze out anymore.”
 
And with the excuses years pass.
 
As time goes on,
and connective turned on sex becomes less and less of a thing, the bonding chemicals between the couple become depleted. If one partner is still getting orgasm while the other is not (typically this shows up as the man having an orgasm and the woman going months or even years without) then bittnerness and frustration start to form.
 
 
If we look at the typical relationship out there,
what ends up happening is that the sex becomes what is referred to as ABC Sex – Anniversary, Birthday and Christmas. And for some “lucky gents” they get it once or twice a month. Believing that this is just how relationship is to be, that this is couplehood, its normal, its natural.
 
And that the relationship is still doing good.
 
But what they may not understand is the subtle change in personality in their female partner.
 
The once bubbly, playful, connective, confident woman who could light up a room is now sour to life, irritable, moody, depressed, tired, sick and insecure.
 
Again excuses get made.
 
“Its money worries.”
“Its exhaustion over the kids.”
“Its her age.”
“Its this disease that she has.”
“Its her work stress.”
 
And with this sublte personality change your lady love goes from looking at you as her prince charming to viewing you as her keeper, her controller, her boss, her child, an irritation in her life.
 
She is quick to attack,
she is easy to offend,
she is critical and judgemental.
She is tired and frustrated.
She does not want to be touched.
She does not want to play and gets irritated at your play.
She no longer see’s the humor in things.
She burries herself in her work or in the home or a TV show or book.
 
And when she is sexing with you…
she either fakes it or goes limp without much response.
 
But you are happy and you are grateful.
You got yours my sweet prince.
The sex was amazing,
maybe not the best you have had,
but some sort of sex is better then no sex,
and she is such a doll for taking care of you.
 
But with each giving of herself,
she empties her very soul,
she dims her light,
to keep the peace.
As she awaits for her knight to awaken and see that she needs saving.
 
And with each thrust that you provide,
you fall futher and further off your horse.
Your charm is no longer seen,
for the pain of her emptiness is all she can feel.
 
So if you desire to not loose your charm with your lady love,
then take heed to this musing,
and realize that the true knight in shining armor will conconquer the nights of empty sexing by applying his focus to making sure that she cums first and cums a few times,
by not accepting her willingness to just give herself up for your pleasure alone, will not support the trauma of her emotions or body with a lack of depth in presence or orgasm.
 
A true prince charming understands that in order for him to succeed at winning and keeping his ladies heart that he MUST educate himself on the ways of the feminine.
And not deny them or ignore.
 
So if you claim to love your woman,
then take on the mission of filling her up with orgasm.
Deep.
Connective.
Multiple.
Rich.
Orgasm.
 
Will you take on the mission of your woman’s pleasure and joy?
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to explore more in depth ways to tap into healing your relationship, accessing a truly beautiful turned on bedroom life and deepen your intimacy? Message me for deets on my couples and indiviual coaching available globally.

This Is Why Your Woman Will Not Pursue You.

Can you imagine starving?
Can you imagine what it must be like to be so hungry and not have food available,
or to not be able to consume the food that is there close to you?
Now I have been hungry before,
there are actually many days that happen where I almost forget about eating. I get so caught up in what I am doing and who I am working with or enjoying,
that food does not cross my mind.
My body though is still hungry.
I might occasionally feel the pains and grumblings of my hunger,
but unless I focus in on it, I can resist it and carry on about what I am doing.
Over time though, my blood sugar get’s low.
My head starts to pound.
I get moody, feel light headed and tired.
I can’t keep focused.
And funny enough, in moments like this, the last thing on my mind is eating.
Instead I wonder about, wondering what’s wrong with me?
Because in the not eating, I forget about food.
 
It never fails though in these moments.
Someone comes along, with something that awakens me to my hunger.
 
I am sure you have had this experience.
You are hungry.
You get side tracked.
You get more hungry.
You ignore the hunger pain.
You dull your senses.
You feel off.
AND THEN……
you smell a burger and fries.
 
Yes, it’s that moment.
You can maybe even smell that burger and fries right now.
You pass that restaurant and you smell it.
 
YUM!!!!!
Your body ignites.
Your stomach yells at you.
Your gut gurgles and says, STOP.
EAT.
 
Okay,
so you can understand this right?
 
Now imagine these two scenarios.
 
1) You are hungry like this. Starving. You catch a whiff of something yummy. Someone walks by you with that burger or steak. You follow them. You smell its juiciness. You can taste it almost. You are so hungry all you desire is a bite. You wish to just taste it. And they look at you and say, “No – my food!”
What are you feeling? What do you do?
 
2) You are hungry like this. Starving. You smell that burger and you decide to run through the drive trough. You order it plus the fries and a soda. You inhale it without thought because of your level of hunger. It’s a piss poor quality burger. It lands in your gut like cement. You feel sick. You feel even worse than before you ate it. You know how bad it was for you and you start to overthink your haste. Now you are upset with yourself for doing what you know you should not have done. You should have waited and taken better care of yourself but the hunger was REAL. What are you feeling? What do you do?
 
In either of these situations,
you are not being fed.
You are not being fulfilled.
There is no real satisfaction.
You just get frustrated.
Irritated.
And want for more, but find yourself KNOWING that what you want is not what you got.
 
Many people when they make poor food choices that make them feel yucky, commit in that moment to not do it again. Or at least not do it to soon again.
 
Many people who are hungry like this, do not choose then to hunt down all the fast food that makes them feel less than good.
 
Many people when they see a link to something causing them issues, choose to either avoid it, or limit their exposure to it.
 
Right?
That seems normal and within logical reason, wouldn’t you agree?
 
Well, here is the thing love.
This tale of starving. Of fast food.
It is actually not about food at all.
It is about satisfaction. Desire. or lack there of.
It is about STARVING.
 
But what I speak of here is the starving of good sex.
The starving of gourmet fulfillment.
I speak here what almost every woman would agree upon if they were raw and real about it.
 
That they are STARVING.
Hungry for something that they hardly get.
 
Can you imagine that 75-80% of the time that you have sex that you do not feel good from it?
That you actually feel yucky.
 
Can you imagine that you feel 75-80% of the time like it was a waist of time, energy and you feel disconnected and more empty then before you went into the situation?
 
Can you imagine that 75-80% of the time that you had sex that you did not enjoy it, have an orgasm?
 
All of this and more is accurate when we truly look into female sexual experience.
 
Gentlemen,
You get fed every time you eat.
You eat what you want and you like it most of the time, because shiz,
it’s food and who does not like food.
 
Well us ladies,
75-80% of the time we eat,
we feel sick from it. And we are not really eating,
we are just getting that whiff of the food.
So who wants to sit in their hunger and just catch a whiff at best 75-80% of the time?
 
Who in their right mind would desire,
pursue, look for or even be excited in the least to have that experience?
 
Not too many people I am guessing.
Yet, our partners ( and I say this as a woman who has had a partner want me to desire just this that I speak on plus the hundreds of couple’s that I have worked with over time who have the male partner wanting to be pursued, desired and frustrated with the woman on not doing so)….
 
Our partners, want us to want this for ourselves.
And they wonder why…
why we women shut down.
Why the sex turns from hot to Anniversary, birthday and Christmas sex.
They wonder what is wrong with their female partner to not want such a wonderful, connective, fulfilling thing such as sexual intimacy.
 
And I tell you in my rawest truth here,
THIS IS ONE MAJOR CONTRIBUTING FACTOR.
 
So what is the answer?
How can you fix her issues?
How can you make sure that she get’s fed?
 
 
These are the questions that are asked in couple-hood.
 
First, it is a two way street.
Both parties need to work on it individually and together, communication MUST happen. Things must change in order to get the results desired.
 
Second, You cannot fix her. She is not broken. And she is not a toy for your fixing Mr. Fix It. So effing STOP! You can however become a better lover. You can gain presence, compassion. You can inquire with skill. You can slow the F-ck down. You can actually want her to enjoy and there fore not get irritated and bored with the time she needs to take. You can do your own internal work, emotionally and mentally.
 
Third, you can do the above two.
And of course, if you need more help.
You still don’t know what to do,
to change.
You can seek outside help.
Like mine, ( Yes my shameless plug there…. but it’s true, you have been doing what you have been doing and you have been blind to what is happening until this moment or you have been really good at ignoring it all and hoping that it would just fix itself. That has not worked though. So… insert my shameless plug again please.)
 
And here are the facts,
sex is important. No matter how we try to discredit it.
Sex and money are the two major factors in relationship breakup and happiness.
 
Many people think they have a successful relationship because they look at the longevity of that relationship. The years spent together.
 
However, the truth is that relationship success is not about the years together,
it’s about the joy. The happiness. The over all feeling that the relationship leaves you with.
 
And most relationships under this mindset of success are far from successful.
 
So I ask you today,
are you content having and providing a fast food sex life at best to your relationship? The person you love and cherish?
 
Or is it time that you discover how to truly feed her?
 
Yes the gourmet variety.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
‘Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Message me for deet’s on my 1:1 global coaching opportunities and more.
 
You deserve a deeply connective, turned on bedroom life and more.

This Is How You Attract a HIGH VIBE Woman.

You claim that you want a HIGH VIBE woman.
You claim that you want a woman that is confident, turned on, knows who she is, fun, loyal, no drama, non-manipulative, loves the things that a good life has to offer. Know’s her worth.
Is a Queen.

But your approach is that of a silly horny 16 year old boy who has not a clue about women, sex, relationship or life at all. 

You think that by asking us to spread our legs for you,
or telling us that you know how to use your tongue,
That you will access this connection,
this love relationship with a HIGH VIBE woman.

You think that saying,
“Hi Babe,” or “You are sexy.”
That we will puddle in our panties over your words,
and drop what we are doing for your silly advances.

You think that deep inquiry,
the stuff that does attract a HIGH VIBE woman’s energy to start is about inquiring about things that you can easily find out by using that thing you seem to be forgetting about…
Your Mind.
Your Brain.
Yes the BIG Head.
And instead you think that asking,
“Are you married?”
“Are you single?”
“How old are you?”
“Where do you live?
“What do you do?
When you have access to this information and more at your fingertips,
and it only makes us irritated because you have no respect of our time,
and show’s that you have not really explored more than a pretty picture’s worth of us,
that this would make us swoon?

You want a HIGH VIBE woman?
Do you really?
You want that woman,
that’s fruits taste so wonderful
Her mystery will stir you for a lifetime.
Her smile will ignite your soul till the sun burns out.
Her smell will haunt you a thousand lifetimes.
Her mind will bewilder you and cause you to want to know more.
You claim you want that woman.
That woman that MAKES YOU WANT:
to conquer the world.
To live your purpose.
to make her proud.
To make her smile.
To laugh.
And for YOU TO BE A BETTER MAN.

Is it that woman that you search for?
Well sweet man…
Let me share this with you…
here and now.

and LISTEN.
Listen carefully.

You Cannot Handle this HIGH VIBE woman.
You may want her,
but your VIEW is not of her.
You belittle her when you treat her like a child.
Thinking she will dance for you,
just because you show her attention.
You think that you can grab her heart,
by speaking about her nipples or butt.
You think that it is endearing and special ,
that you are unique in some fashion,
to open her door and demand that she speak to you,
when all you do is stumble in with words that mean nothing.
You think that by saying “Hi”
that she owes you something.
Or should take the time,
to get to know yet another random bloke ( common man),
who has not a clue who he,
himself is.

You are but a boy.
Trying to be a man.
Wanting to have a woman.
But not understanding.

A HIGH VIBE woman,
WILL NEVER….
Bow to your desires of her,
she will never swoon over your words,
she will never be so easily lead,
by some simple little compliments,
or meme’s.

A HIGH VIBE woman,
does not need you.

She is complete in herself.
She does not need your attention,
and she most certainly does not need your advances.

She is not interested.
Not in such a feet,
as you may think it is to say hi to her.

A HIGH VIBE woman,
will not drop her life for you,
because you bought her a Louis Vuitton handbag,
or want to take her around the world.

A HIGH VIBE woman,
will ONLY pay attention.
To a Conscious Mature Man.
A Man who KNOWS who he is.
Is on purpose.
Is centered in himself.

A man who does not need to be babysat with his emotions,
his time or energy.

A man who can stand in who he is while holding the space required for her to dance for him,
by the music of her choice.

A HIGH VIBE woman,
only desires a HIGH VIBE man.

And sir,
with your advances,
and school boy tricks,
are no where near this man.

So please do us each a favor,
and realize where you are,
and that is not in our garden,
where we can share anything.

If you truly want that HIGH VIBE woman.
As you claim that you do.
Then LISTEN here sweet man,
and listen close.

You must dig deep.
And first discover who you are.
Find your purpose outside of your groin.
Fall in love with the man you can be,
get ignited in life,
and know your path.
Stand firm in who you are,
comfortable in your own flesh.

Be confident not cocky.
Be compassionate not sarcastic.
Be intelligent not irritating.
Be playful not stupid.
Be turned on to life not to just her lady lumps.
Be emotionally mature not an emotional drama queen.
Be responsible for your self not responsible for everyone else.
Be a Hero not a victim.

And above all else…

Be PRESENT in the Now.
Not in what you may want of tomorrow or fear from yesterday.

We do not want your sob stories,
we do not care about how you have been wronged.
What a HIGH VIBE woman desires,
is a HIGH VIBE man Who IS ON PURPOSE and IN LOVE with HIS LIFE.

Become this…
and our fruit is yours to pick.
Otherwise,
Don’t let the gate to our garden hit you too hard.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Want to learn more about becoming that HIGH VIBE Man who can be worthy of calling in that relationship that your SOUL craves so deeply?

Let me show you how to become that by getting back to your Primal Basic’s.

ANNOUNCING….

Primal Reboot –
“Penetrating Life the Way You Were Intended”

A 4-week intensive online global workshop for men who desire to penetrate life with passion, confidence, certainty, power and love.

Starting in April.

Message me for details here.
And get on the Pre-Registration list to get extra BONUSES for Early Birds.

He Can’t Be A Man If You Don’t Let Him

He Can’t Be A Man If You Don’t Let Him

 
It truly is that simple ladies.
I know there are a bunch of men out there in our world who have not been taught how to be a man.
How to treat a woman.
How to man up you could say.
 
And often what one woman counts as manning up is not the same to another.
 
Our world does not favor men being men like they were back in the 1950’s.
 
Women do not need men the way they use too.
But WE DO STILL need our men.
 
DO you understand what I mean by this statement even?
 
You may think you do.
But I bet that you do not fully grasp it.
And hopefully you will by the time I get done ranting here some in this little bleep today.
 
We need our men,
we need them badly.
We may need them MORE now than ever before.
 
WHY?
 
Because without a REAL MAN ( and when I say man from here on out please realize that I am referring to the masculine energy, if you are in a same sex relationship, then this statement goes out to the one who acts in the masculine energy of the relationship, if you are in a heterosexual relationship then I am speaking about the actual man.)
 
We women ( the feminine in the relationship) are f-cked!!!!
And it is NOT a good f-ck.
 
If we women are single and don’t allow a masculine to come into our lives and be just that MASCULINE then we are f-cked as well.
 
Yes I am speaking to all you ladies out there,
who effing WILL NOT ALLOW A MAN TO BE A MAN.
 
You ladies who won’t let him get the door,
get the tab,
get the groceries,
fill your gas tank,
build something for you,
or lead on the dance floor of life in any f-cking way.
 
You ladies out there who are afraid to LET GO OF YOUR CONTROL.
 
Afraid that he is too BIG OF A KID to be the man.
Afraid that he will f-ck something up so you do it yourself.
Afraid that if you actually allow him to do things for you that you will be perceived weak,
or less than.
 
Why the EFF are you fighting to be the man?
How is this benefiting you at all?
 
The funny thing is that I bet you bitch about him not being the man not moments after you steal it from him.
 
Am I right?
 
LOL
OMFG! You know I am.
 
So do not even try to say different.
It is hard as f-ck to let our guys take care of us and do these things.
In today’s world women are constantly fighting men to wear the pants you could say.
 
We are a society that looks at the feminine as weak,
as nothing more than some sex object that is good for not much more than that, s-e-x.
 
This view has raised a population that looks down on feminine strength.
 
Looks down on vulnerability.
Looks down on emotion.
Looks down on nurturing.
Looks down on healthy connection.
 
As it is the softer side of things and the side that scares the shit out of us all because it is revealing.
So we man up.
 
We women, talk about having bigger dicks than our men, bigger balls. And laugh about how men are pussies.
 
Its disgusting in my opinion.
Yet I hear it all the time.
 
Over and over again,
women talking smack about their men and men in general,
all the while fearing their feminine,
fearing their flow,
and REFUSING to let men step up to the plate and take care of them in any fashion.
 
Well here is the issue ladies.
The issue is that the more you are the man in your relationship,
the more you force the polarity to switch,
then the ONLY way your guy can stay with you is to drop into his feminine more.
 
This means that you have a guy that is going to be unable to make clear decisions.
 
He will potentially even get moody.
He will seem to have little to no purpose, or drive.
He will STOP trying to do things for you and almost expect you to constantly take on the tasks that you wish he would do.
He may appear to be more needy.
 
And YOU….
YOU will be doing the man shit.
 
You will most likely start to feel energyless,
empty and disconnected from life and the people in your life.
You may have issues having an orgasm.
Your bitterness over him not being the man will start to eat away at your desire and respect for him,
and you will feel a humongous wall forming.
 
Sound like anything you might be living currently?
 
Well, ladies.
As much as men need to stand the f-ck up and JUST BE THE MAN!!!!!
 
We ladies, NEED TO BACK THE F-CK DOWN
and ALLOW IT.
 
But this means,
we have to stop ourselves from controlling everything.
We have to let him figure it out.
We have to actually ask for help.
We have to share what our needs are and give him an opportunity to learn us, because all he has ever known is our masculine who was leading the relationship and controlling him.
 
In the beginning of your relationship,
think back.
Think back to how he looked at you.
Think back to how he touched you.
Think back to the little things he did for you.
 
Now FEEL back to how you were.
 
That flirty, laughing, teasing you.
That you that was excited about his call or text.
That you that looked forward to his masculine energy,
and how it made you feel like a woman.
How it put you in your feminine.
 
Yes feel that.
 
Some where along the line you lost it.
You decided that it made you weak.
It made you too vulnerable.
That it was silly,
that it was unsafe to reveal this soft side.
 
More than likely it was something that broke away at your trust.
Your heart got hurt.
So the way to safeguard yourself was to armor up into your own masculine.
 
The idea of, “If you want it done right, then do it yourself.” came about.
 
You decided that you could not put your faith and trust in the masculine.
 
AND NOW….
 
here you are.
 
A lost women.
A lost woman who won’t let a man be a man.
And are pissed at the masculine that he won’t just BE A
F-CKING MAN.
 
 
Well ladies,
You ONLY Have you to blame on this.
Because at some point you have to drop your armor,
put down your swords.
 
And lift up your crowns.
Twirl and laugh.
Smile because he will do anything for the light that comes from your smile.
Allow yourself to radiate the love that you are.
Because he will conquer the world and universes for you if you JUST SHINE.
 
You know who you are meant to be.
You know the GODDESS that you are inside.
You know the QUEEN he see’s in you.
 
so start acting accordingly.
STOP being a BITCH.
STOP controlling every situation.
STOP forcing your masculine to be your mask,
while crying in the corners of your wounded feminine.
 
And JUST F-cking Be a GODDESS QUEEN!!!!
 
You want a knight to carry you away,
You want a man to build you a fortress,
You want a king to put you on a pedestal and worship at your alter,
You want to be held, loved and supported.
NO MATTER WHAT.
 
Then BE THE QUEEN.
And let Your KING Lead Your dance.
 
Stop stepping on his toes.
 
You both deserve better.
This world needs you to be a QUEEN.
This world needs him to be a KING.
 
We are different sexes for a reason.
We are different polarities for a reason.
 
So lean in to who you are.
Stop resisting your divine energy.
 
It is here that you manifest EVERYTHING that you desire.
In your DIVINE ENERGY.
 
Not in controlling anyone else’s.
 
No matter what your reasons, wounds or fears are.
 

And As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.

Boatloads of Trust

Trust.
Something we long to have,
something we long for other’s to have in us and us in them.
It is given freely and in boat loads at the beginning of a relationship and THEN as time moves forward we break our trust with others and we have our trust broken.

The small little moments when we don’t hold space,
where we choose to not be authentic,
where we mask our feelings,
our intents.

These all tear away at trust.

Then we have those bigger moments, where trust crashes on the shores of a disaster and we feel ourselves overtaken by the pain of what we believed we had that we quickly discover was misplaced.

TRUST.

One of the most beautiful aspects of life,
providing us with a strength to lean in and embrace all that we crave,
all that we hunger for.
All that we want to be and want to experience.

The vulnerability,
the surrender of TRUST.

It is a giving of our deepest selves,
and this is why when it is breached it hurts so effing much.

This is why we fear listening to that inner voice,
opening our hearts and revealing ourselves at any depth.

So we starve ourselves.
We keep things at the surface and we do not venture down the rabbit hole of true relationship.

TRUST.

I find myself this morning looking at this word with great love,
with great hatred and fear,
with a reality that for all the trust that I have,
I trust VERY little.

And the message from my SOUL that I aim to share here with you, is that we all have these feelings. We all fear TRUST.

The bigger issue is that we fear trust more with ourselves,
more with GOD than we do with other’s in our life.

The trust that we give or don’t give to other’s is nothing more than a reflection of the trust that we give to ourselves and thus to God.

We are always being met with a reflection of something inside ourselves, and it is the awareness that the reflection is there to serve us, to heal us, to open us and to connect us to ourselves and all that is, IS THE LESSON.

Trust is a main area in which we must awaken to our core issues to alignment.

We want for so much in life.
We desire more abundance, more money, more sex, better health, better relationships, more fun, adventure, opportunity.
Yet we DO NOT TRUST that we are WORTHY of it or that we CAN HAVE IT.

Therefore we consistently look for how it is not showing up.
We manage to lean into self-sabotage when the beauty of all that we want is offered, we find our way home to the comfort of our pain body and we give reason to NOT TRUST or be trustworthy.

It is a two way street.
As everything in life is about relationship.
No matter what we are desiring we are in a relationship with it.
And in order to go deeper into a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP we must be able to trust ourselves and to trust those that are in alignment to us.

TRUST.

This morning I sit here with issues based just in this word.
I write this note from a deep place in my heart and soul. A place that desires to trust but is constantly awakening to the reality that I have challenges in this department.

I have powerful reason’s as to why I should not trust,
why I should not lean in, ‘why I should not offer up my truth.
I feel myself wanting to hide.
Wanting to disregard what I know at my core.
Wanting to act as though the reality of this current moment is something else, when in fact I am being given an opportunity within this problem around trust to see clearer.
To offer compassion.
To offer love so that all can heal.

This requires authentic relating.
This requires INTEGRITY.

Trusts is given freely and in boat loads at the beginning of a relationship.

Then we manage to f-ck it up from all the little and not so little choices that we make.

Within the f-ck up we are given an opportunity to stand in INTEGRITY. And with integrity we open the doorway again to

TRUST.

When we choose to be authentic,
to come clean with ourselves,
and with the relationships in our life,
we access a deeper version of our SOUL.
We embrace our humanness.
We embrace love.
We show God that we trust that we will be held,
and that we can heal.
We open ourselves to MORE.

And here we align to soul.
Here we access our TRUTH.
Here we EXPAND and LIVE.

Anything else is an illusion of the life we create through our fear, through our ego.

Anything else is self-sabotage.

If you want to TRUST, and be trusted, then you MUST at all cost stand in INTEGRITY.

You MUST show up as your authentic self.
And you must EMBRACE your humanness and what you may perceive as flaws as spaces for growth.

TRUST your core.
TRUST your soul.
TRUST your heart.

Stand there, in that meadow.
With SELF first.

Can you look in the mirror and say that you stand in integrity?

And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

PS-
I love you!
Come take advantage of 10 days of intensive alignment ass kickery where you will embrace your authentic desires and self.

Learn the key components to living the life that you desire now.

We are on day two of Stop F-cking Around.
Grab your seat now.
Watch the replays.

Sign UP NOW!!!!
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/

The Hidden Issues of Marriage- How Care, Respect, Interest, Play, Attention, and Power Determine Success and Failure in Our Relationships

Money, sex, in-laws, vacations, communication, children–these head the list of explicit concerns couples struggle with in their marriage. But there are deeper and more significant issues. Often these are hidden from direct discussion or awareness. Care, respect, interest, play, attention, and power are the real issues couples have. These are the themes that make for happiness or misery, that fulfill or destroy dreams. Couples who have harmony in these realms have relationships that hold together, breed vitality, and foster creativity. We are creatures driven by invisible currents, often imperceptible to the casual or the inattentive observer. A case-in-point: What may seem to be a couple’s routine argument about which movie to see may be a hidden power struggle. One partner feels that she has been capitulated too many times to her husband’s preferences, even though in a less competitive moment his first choice would also have been hers.

In this article I will define and illustrate what I consider to be six below-the-surface issues in marriage and offer observations on how we might approach consciously living-out these themes in less destructive and more positive ways.

Care

John and Sarah (All names and identifying data have been changed.) are starved for caring. John grew up in a love-deprived home without a mothering mother. His mother, in and out of mental hospitals during his childhood, looked to her elder son to take care of his three brothers. After doing his own school work, he would make sure his siblings did theirs, clean house, and make dinner for his depressed mother and his exhausted and overburdened father. His parents were so absorbed in their mental and financial survival, respectively, that they did not even thank him. His sole comfort was managing to keep a semblance of sanity in the family and save his mother some visits to the hospital. When he met Sarah, a lovely young woman with a soft voice and an appreciation for his good efforts, he was joyfully overwhelmed. Here at last was one who understood, here at last was one who wanted to create a family in which thought and feeling and aspiration could be shared and executed together. He felt cared for.

For Sarah their meeting was equally promising. She had also been brought up in a family devoid of emotion–an austere mid-western family, in which mother never hugged and father sat remotely over ceremonial occasions, but had little else to offer. Sarah suffered from diabetes and John’s sense of order promised to help her maintain a regimen for optimal health. She believed she had found the man who would warm her heart and take care of her temporal needs. They, of course, fell in love with each other–for what is “falling in love” but finding another whom we believe meets–and will continue to meet–our needs. They married and, alas, a failure of “caring” soon began.

Sarah, it turned out, notwithstanding her gentleness and eagerness to be helpful, had only a rudimentary sense of empathy for emotional nuance. She knew how to do what she believed were “caring’ behaviors, but lacked a heart that matched John’s sensibilities. In their first year of marriage John’s brother was made paraplegic in a car accident. As he lived in the same city as John, he balanced his own families needs with attending to his brother, returning to his bedside and taking on his care much as he had looked after him when he was a little boy. Sarah attempted to be supportive, but John’s absence from the home, his drives across town twice a week to fill in for the nurses, his continually being on the phone to doctors, began to sink Sarah’s heart, as she wondered what happened to the man she married. She no longer felt John’s caring.

Caring is the constant and tender ministrations that we all look for in our partners. In many couples the most fundamental question is: Does she or he care enough? How precious is the statement that “He really does care.” How poignant the transparent defensive posturing, “I really don’t care what she does.” We need for persons to intend the best for us and to have us in their minds and to carry out acts of caring. The absence of caring breeds shame and worthlessness. Explicit issues of being home for dinner when expected, taking out the garbage, driving slowly when one’s partner is anxious about speed, or speedily when one’s partner is anxious about dawdling, are not “little things” but significant carriers of caring feelings. These are as intensely important, as urgent as the deepest demands of the human heart. In fact, that’s what they are.

“I care for you.” “He doesn’t care for me.” These are among the tenderest, most sought, and most feared sentiments persons express to one another. When caring behaviors become sparse, couples are fading in their vital attachment to one another. Caring behaviors are those acts subtle or blunt by which we convey to the other that we wish his or her happiness, safety, fulfillment. It is caring to feel deeply for our partner’s most searing fears and griefs; it is also caring to listen to her talk about her high school reunion. Caring is wishing the person well and acting to back up that wish. When we care we go the proverbial extra mile. Caring also conveys, implicitly, commitment, for caring is being present to the other as long as we are needed. We “are needed” a long, long time. Few in-love couples pre-arrange their breaking-up.

Take a look at your relationship. Do your feel cared for? Do you care deeply about your mate? Talk with your partner and let him tell you how he feels. Summon the courage to hear that she may not feel nearly so cared about as your have imagined. In fact, you may have forgotten actually to care, and you may have become so used to being in an uncaring marriage that you aren’t even paying attention to the state of caring between you. Examine what has happened to your caring. Did it evaporate? Was it ever there?. How does your caring interweave with other themes of your relationship–with power and respect, for example? What do you need to do, to have your partner do, before caring can be revived? Do you need the help of a guide or therapist? Is it worth your investment of energy? Are you really serious about trying? And if so, how will you begin? How much energy will you give to realizing this possibility?

Respect

After their first idyllic months together, Ellen and Newton composed a gradual crescendo of disrespect which climaxed in a bitter divorce. What began as a story-book romance–a chance meeting in Key West where each had, uncharacteristically, taken solo vacations for introspection and R&R– she seeking refuge from an abusive marriage and he solace from a series of failed relationships. Newton was present and comforting to Ellen as she recounted the emotional and physical abuse she had suffered for years in an attempt to keep the marriage together for the sake of her children and in deference to her family’s pressure to avoid, at-all-cost, divorce.

Ellen, at first enamored of Newton’s vast intellect, and proud of his talent at engaging any person in fluent conversation, came to despise “his narrow academic interests” and his “pompous colleagues.” She deplored his long work hours and his extended field trips. She panicked about his regularly having several drinks before dinner. He showed no desire for children of their own. Fundamentally, Ellen did not respect his interests, his style, his friendships. Though she “tried” to persuade herself that she could learn to admire him, that he had a “right” to do what he did without her standing in judgment. Yet, in her soul she was negative to and threatened by many of the ways he lived.

Newton, at first attracted to Ellen because of her needfulness, after a few months of marriage began to see her less as loveably vulnerable than as one whose unhappiness was a drag on his contentment. He began to realize that he who had begun the relationship as the “white knight” for helping her escape from her unhappy and entrapped marriage had now become the oppressor. Her vulnerability became, to him, a contemptible craziness and instead of being with her in sympathy for the way the world was treating her, he became part of the world that was tormenting and abusing her.

The relationship, having made an 180 degree turn from affirmation of each other–their styles, looks, habits, values, commitments–to denigrating practically everything about one another, found itself on a steady course of decline and, eventually, divorce. To be trapped on a path where each partner judges the other as not living an admirable life is fatally demoralizing. Ellen “tried” to see Newton differently and the more she tried the more it was evident that underneath her posturing sweetness and positivity, there was repulsion. Many times Newton resolved not to attack her with “crazy-making” accusations, but when she would get upset at one of his absences or pretensions, he would forget his resolutions and “go for the gut.” Newton and Ellen had neither power, nor awareness, nor will to face straight-out that they did not admire one another. They repeatedly fought over mundane differences, ignoring the deeper angers and judgments that made them crash-bound. Hardly a marriage survives in this atmosphere; none happily. Theirs did not.

Respect means liking and affirming your partner for who he or she is in the world. Of course, being separate creatures with our own prejudices and definitions, some things about others we like, some we do not. But loving relationships that are truly satisfying are founded on mutual respect. We need to feel that others believe the attitudes we have, the professions we pursue, the charities we support, the jokes we tell are, for the most part, pleasing to them. If this is not happening, then there is a major problem brewing. People kill each other when they feel disrespected, and couples kill their marriage when disrespect prevails.

If you feel that respect in your relationship is becoming thin, take a long look at yourself and attempt to understand just how deep this disrespect goes. Have you, for some time, been feeling negative about how you partner leads her life, and have you been less than direct about it? Or perhaps you can look within yourself, at your own values. If you are failing to respect your partner, you may want to examine your behavior and see if you are emphasizing negative things to the detriment of the positive. Sometimes things are correctable, but you must address problems before the toxins of disrespect have ravaged your connection. If you want to develop respect, there is no better way to begin than frankly talking with your partner about your failings in this arena and beginning to construct a new basis for respect. If you can’t find it, then you are indeed in trouble.

Interest

A common way of describing a relationship is when persons acknowledge being “interested” in each other. “Interesting” covers a lot of territory. Though nature may have first created interest to assure replication of life, sex, recasts as interest, extends far into realms as diverse as intellectual complexity, athletic skills, winsome personality, and playing a mean game of chess. One of our strongest drives is the compulsion away from boredom. Losing interest defines depression.

Mitchell and Lori had only been married a couple of years when Mitchell lost interest. In the beginning their fascination for each other never cooled. He was strong and quiet, she, shy socially, but super-active athletically. She led him out of himself into a new world of sports and outdoors. He offered her a quiet refuge and protection from the many times she over-extended herself with activities. All went well until her job began to keep her into the evenings and weekends. He depended on her for stimulation, for keeping things going that were fun and engaging. Only a few months after Lori’s absence-making schedule began, Mitchell initiated afternoon dalliances with a coworker that quickly blossomed into a passionate affair. When Lori discovered his infidelities, the ensuing struggles, the threat of loss, and the reminder of their strong early attraction to one another reignited their desire to make a satisfying marriage.

Research indicates that affairs are seldom primarily sexually motivated. Most often they are persons’ attempts either to stimulate their life, or having lost a feeling of being desired in their relationship, discover if one can still be attractive to other partners. Nothing flattens a couples energy more than to have lost interest in one another–if the trend continues downward, persons can lose interest in being alive.

How can you make the uninteresting interesting? By paying acute attention. Anything looked at up close and personal is interesting. If something is interesting it sparks our creativity, it brings out our most primitive organismic sense of pleasure in relating to reality outside of ourselves. Interest brings us into heart and mind augmenting connection with the world. And persons are infinitely interesting for they are in continual ferment, discarding old and taking on new forms in a cacophony of novelty and growth.

Love is continually renewing interest. How many good films do you see where there is no “love interest.” (Note, “love-interest”–it’s almost a single word.) Interest is the life of relationships. Lose interest, death of the relationship. How do you retain and engender interest? By being willing to be open for it. By not expecting the other person to carry the full responsibility of being “interesting” to us. It is just as true–and perhaps a truth of more import–to say that you are responsible for your own ability to be interested. The lazy brain is the uninterested brain. Further if you are not interested you hardly accept the other as he is, for you are always looking for “something else” to carry you out of your stupor of disinterest.

Play

Play is the purest and fullest expression of joy–the most basic positive emotion. There are many forms of play. Sexuality may head the list, but not far behind is walking around the block, enjoying family rituals, laughing over the comics, watching a child grow up, matching rhythms and harmonies with one another. Play is pure; it is without pretense; it aspires to be nothing but itself. It is nature’s way of letting us know we are in the flow of experience. To play together is both to be in sync with the world and one another. We become couples, in large measure, because we play well together. Whether we are attending a lecture, going to the beach, or venturing into Eros, the compelling meeting between two persons can best be described as play. Persons are attracted to each other, not because they work well on projects together, but because they enjoy playing with one another.

When Rosemary and Spaulding met they were beautiful and talented young people who enjoyed parties, romance, and fanciful dreams of success. After their marriage they moved from a small town in the south to a large eastern city for Spaulding to attend law school. It turned out that he had talent for patent law and paternity, and before long his practice was successful and his home full. Rosemary bore five sons and gave herself to twenty years of active and consuming motherhood, along with making a home for her work-laminated husband.

Rosemary craved play. She didn’t know its name, but she knew she needed something. She tried tennis, encounter groups, therapy, religion, dancing. She discovered she liked all of them. Relieved of the demands of her large brood of children, she was ready for grown-up play. She learned to look people in the eye, talk about her feelings, claim her sexuality. She desperately wanted to engage her husband with her in her newly found playfulness. Rosemary urged, demanded that Spaulding join her, but his manner of play was to sit quietly with the newspaper, worry about the stock market, keep up with sports, and follow his sons’ progress. His games she could never play, and as for her parenting, it was time for a change of venue. She needed a playmate–i.e. a man to share with her in the new pleasure and creativity she had discovered in her life, and he hardly filled the (play)bill. For Rosemary play was the avenue to closeness and Spaulding’s inability to play with her caused a severe gap in their happiness together.

From the beginning we play. We virtually come into the world playing. Play is losing ourselves in unplanned pleasurable abandon of mind and body. Play feels good. Play expands the body, loosens the breathing, rushes the blood, releases endorphins and epinephrine and dopamine. When relationships form there’s a lot of playing. So many activities for couples are play activities. Dating, dancing, going to the movies and…sex are play. Sex is high and vital adult play; when it’s work it’s no fun. Play is an accepting activity for it exists for its own sake. This is perhaps why play often gets such a bum rap.

You and your partner probably don’t play nearly enough. As heirs of Puritanism, you may feel that everything should be “purposeful,” that present activity–even play–should be leading to something else that justifies your effort. But acceptance is not future oriented; it is receiving and enjoying with your partner what is in the present–and no activity is more “in-the-present” than play. If you can’t play, you are much too anxious about what is “not yet.” Play releases, it transcends a “not-now-consciousness” to enter an “experiencing-now-consciousness” that is pure enjoyment. Being able to share the play-moment makes you indeed partners in living life freely and for fun.

Attention

Jerry wants to be “heard.” He has countless stories about how Jennifer repeatedly paid no attention to what he told her. On the first thanksgiving visit to his uncle’s (the grand-old-man of his family) home when he implored Jennifer never to reveal that they had lived together before they were married. He knew that his bachelor uncle was notorious for his Victorian morality, which dwelt alongside a great mind and loads of money to distribute solely to his two nephews. Jennifer, after several of glasses of Chateau Rothchild, let the secret of their cohabitation slip. Uncle abruptly asked them to leave and seven years later has neither spoken to nor about them.

Jennifer’s story is of her futile attempts to have Jerry listen to her terror of his family. Again and again she had stressed to him that his family’s loud and condescending ways made her shrink with discomfort and fright. She told Jerry that the only thing that could help would be to medicate her anxiety with wine, and that she knew that she sometimes got out of control. Jerry paid little heed. Through their failure to listen attentively to each other, they lost family and inheritance… and gained anger and disappointment with each other.

From our beginnings, we must be attended to. Children not “heard,” neither mirrored not understood, whose sense-of-self is grossly handicapped by the indifference of others, literally do not survive their childhood. Did you ever speak to someone when you thought he was in the room with you, perhaps voicing a thought about a shared experience, and found he had walked out of the room leaving you talking to air. You felt disappointed, foolish, annoyed. That is what it is like not to be heard, not to be attended to. You begin to think that actually you don’t exist.

Like so many who do not feel heard, Jennifer and Jerry resort to aggressive and sometimes ruthless measures to gain attention. Jennifer demeans Jerry’s manhood, talks about old boy friends being more appealing to her than he is–“They listen”, and threatens further havoc on his family, aimed this time at his parents. Jerry scowls and yells, or alternately he takes a passive, withdrawn stance, hoping to invoke such guilt in Jennifer that she will pause and listen to his side of things. Both are so caught-up in trying to force the other to hear them, that they are like the United Sates attempting to save Vietnam by destroying it.

As a marriage therapist, I see an endless parade of persons who drag their partners to counseling with complaints about how they are not being attended to. The complaints come in many forms: not being heard or listened to, not being seen or sought out, not being thought about or remembered. All of which make the unattended-to person very insecure about whether she or he is truly valued by the other.

If you are to learn better to attend and be attended to, you must become aware that listening, indeed, is your deficiency. You need to check out your narcissism to see just how self-absorbed you are and how effectively you take in what is real about your partners. In many households, persons go weeks without ever so much as inquiring after their partners feelings or even their everyday experiences. Are you one of these? And if you feel you are rarely attended to, pay close attention to your experience, are you often wishing for more or different than your partner can give? If all else fails, ask your partner if he or she feels attended to and known. If you and she are not reassured by her response, then undertake a course of training–with friends, therapists, family, books–to see if you actually want learn and develop the courage and skill of empathy.

Power

Human beings abhor feeling “less-than.” We can’t bear for another to get the upper hand. We have many ways to even scores. The recent popularity of “First Wives Club” and “Waiting to Exhale,” gives strident witness to the “fun” and satisfaction we have in seeing others get their comeuppance when they become too powerful for the good of both partners. We fear that our partner may be ahead of (translate better than or superior to) us, or worse, that she or he may be “feeding-off” us. We attempt to correct this by conscious and unconscious balancing designed to make sure we do not end up on bottom. We work, all out, to stay on top. Case in point: Paul washes the dishes and points out to Anna that she should appreciate his efforts; he claims that what he does more than compensates for her vacuuming the house; she then agues that, not only did she vacuum but she shampooed as well and this puts her ahead….and on it goes.

There are several varieties of roles that are used in the power struggle. A couple of favorites are the victim and the saint (variations: nag and “Nice Guy,” wimp and the tyrant). The victim is always “down” and refuses to allow the other person to enjoy their “up” position. Victims blame; they invariable see the problem as the bad behavior of the other. Elizabeth is an assertive and demanding victim, as she approaches most of their talks with Brian, her husband, with a full agenda of grievances for his “failures” in treating her well. Brian is ever eager to please, but nothing he does ever seems to be enough, nothing ever seems to work. If his behaviors are “right” then his timing is “wrong.” Always, he is either agreeable or compromising, yet what he does is bumbling and only succeeds for Elizabeth half-way. If he comes home early one night, she reminds him that his job is less secure this year so he had better take no liberties; when he is late she speaks of the children feeling neglected.

Brian is the model “Nice Guy,” a sort of Sensitive Man version of a saint. He listens to Elizabeth; he “empathizes” (i.e. he insists he “understands what she means”); he smiles at her with sweetness and reassures her of his love. But there is a darker side in this hidden power struggle: he is “injured” that she does not appreciate his efforts more fully, for underneath he feels “put-upon” and “had-it-up-to-here” about her demands and pleadings. He neither lets himself or her know just how disgruntled and resistant he is. She tries to get him to admit it. She tells him “Don’t you resent my going-on all the time about wanting more from you?” He responds, “A bit, but I understand that you are really hurting, and I want to do the best I can.” But, from time to time his real upset is apparent even to him, when he says flat-out to her insistence that he interrupt his racquetball to be home “on time” for dinner–” Well, I just can’t do that.” Underneath this “Nice Guy” trait there resides the resentful mind of one who feels he is being more misunderstood than is his wife. His attitude is strength and availability, but beneath the surface there is determination not to be “used,” not to be made accountable for what he believes in his heart-of-hearts is more her “fault” than his. He is fighting her and she him. The explicit issues of their marriage, his time availability, his forgetting anniversaries, his financial instability are rendered trivial by the velvet war they are raging for dominance. Bit by bit they have lose confidence in mutual good will and caring. And without this assumed reciprocity of energy and love, a power struggle sets in.

When the dynamic themes of your relationship are suffering from failures of loving connection, developing “power-over” often becomes by default the mode of choice. Power is the booby prize for failure of respect, care, et al. If we can’t be with our partners, at least we can exercise power over them. So we become obsessed with being winners. There are so many ways to have power struggles: they can be well disguised as content discussions or battles over “important” things–when the deeper theme is showing who can win: we may feign willingness to give our partner what she wants, but our deeper intention is to dilute her justifiable anger for our inconsiderateness; we can bring up issues in public that have not been worked out in private in order to get help from one of our friends whom we know shares our opinions.

You probably did not fall in love with your partner because either of you demonstrated power over the other–relationships are rarely fueled by the winner enjoying being related to a loser. Should you find yourself lost in power trips, ask yourself just what are you feeling inferior about that you might go for the “win?” Know that your love and positive connection are out of kilter, and you have surrendered to a power trip disguised as a marriage. Are you willing to invest in the delicate and vulnerable reinvention of a balanced and reciprocal marriage?

How it all adds up….

In all of these hidden issues there is a common theme, whether care, or respect, or interest, or play, or attention, or power: acceptance. We are social creatures and the central question of all human existence is: Do you accept me? Am I OK with you? Do you embrace me, or do you push me away? What is my future with you? Are you a refuge, a safe harbor? Or do I have to worry about being alienated from you? At the core of the human psyche and soul is the yearning for the continuation and fulfillment of the unconditional love often provided for us as infants. We are born of parents whom nature, at its best, provides with instinct and wisdom that they may lovingly respond to our needs–simply because we are. Beginning within the womb and beyond, when things go the way nature intended, we experience ourselves as given-to as though we were a pure gift of joy to our human companions who are pleased with us and we with them. This is the imprint by which all our social life, and most centrally our marriage life, is measured.

The hidden themes of marriage are variations on acceptance. Unconditional acceptance is life’s first gift, and our lifetime task is to recover and amplify, in the specifics of our relationships, the infinite variations on this theme.Care is acceptance as we recapitulate the mother’s tender loving gaze and gentle ministrations for each others’ well being. Respect is acceptance as we honor the particularity of our partners in ways that they feel their life “as is” is highly esteemed. Interest is acceptance as we let our partners know that they draw our energy positively and vigorously. Play is acceptance as partners’ flowing, mindless, expressions connect with high pleasure with one another and all life. Attention is acceptance as we feel heard and known by one another, and by this experience confirm our entitled place in life. Power is the energy of acceptance fostered when one surrenders to being with one another, never dominating thus relieving fear, and gathering the synergy of true mutuality.

 

ORIGINAL POSTING HERE

Robert Caldwell, M. Div. has a private practice of individual, couple, and group psychotherapy in Bethesda. He is a Licensed and Certified Professional Counselor.