People pleasing makes you wishy washy and unattractive.
People pleasing is NOT an endearing characteristic.
People pleasing is disrespectful to everyone in the relationship.
People pleasing is a manipulative act of insecurity and lack of self-worth and love.
It will only get you an illusion of what you desire.
Never will you truly gain what you want from any relationship by attempting to bend over backward and have pores boundaries just to avoid confrontation or rejection.
When we come into a relationship with the concept that we MUST do this or that in order to be worthy of …(fill in the blank) then we do a great disservice not only to ourselves but to the integrity of the relationship and the other person that we are acting in relationship with.
People pleasing is for those who believe that they MUST provide a result or response according to another’s desires at the cost of their very truth. It is a form of performance anxiety that those who get trapped in this concept that we are here to serve others and are in some fashion responsible for others feelings, actions or thoughts.
As one matures in relationship perspective and does the inner mindset work and healing work of releasing attachment to old traumas and belief structures one can come to terms with personal responsibility and being proactive for one’s own needs, thoughts, feelings and actions. As this comes about you can see that no other is ever responsible for making us do anything nor is it their assuring of an outcome for our lives or needs.
From this clearing perspective one can see with greater ease that we too are not at fault for another’s ideas that they may turn over to us.
When we demand of someone to be in alignment to what we want of them without any thought or inquiry as to their interest of being in alignment we do two things:
1) we attempt to take control or power of another’s feelings, responses, desires, etc.
2) we give our power away to them by giving them responsibility over our needs being met thus we relinquish our power in creating the happiness, connection or anything focused on as the ultimate goal.
Simply put by demanding that another please us we turn over our happiness to their control and in turn by being a people pleaser we turn over our power to our happiness by wagering our authentic answers and feelings to make another happy in hopes to gain happiness for ourselves.
It is a devaluing circle of not wanting to own responsibility of our own happiness.
Happiness, much like anything else that we strive for in life (i.e. freedom, intimacy, peace, love, etc) must come from within. No outside influence will ever guarantee any of these things to maintain in our life. It is up to each of us INDIVIDUALLY to guarantee them through our dedication of turning inward and finding them at our core, then revealing them to our lives through our energetic response to life.
When we choose to lower our vibration through the scarcity thinking that we are to earn these things instead of unveiling them from within…
(Because they are always with us and can never be taken from us)
we choose to use ourselves,
our resources of any kind,
our acts of service,
as commerce to BUY that which we are currently not feeling worthy of.
We trade ourselves,
our very truth,
for a false or temporary version of that which we desire to have.
By doing this we disrespect and attempt to manipulate the relationship and the beauty of what could potentially come through it.
You are worthy of happiness.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of freedom.
You are worthy of peace.
You are worthy of abundance.
You were born this way and these things are not goals to be earned. they are gifts given to us by the creator and are accessible at any moment on our life path when we so choose them over our fear and ego based concepts that have been instilled in us to prevent us from fully embrace our powerful nature as co-creators of this world and our lives.
You always have a choice,
and no one can ever take these gifts away from you.
It is your choice to live in bondage and fear which will lead you on a path of suffering and disconnection,
or you can choose to open up to love.
Open up to faith.
Open up to the freedom of your true self.
All these desires are FEELINGS that one wants to obtain,
but can not hold onto if the power of their creation is handed over to anyone but SELF.
KNOW your worth.
ALLOW yourself to receive your blessings,
through your Focus and commitment to living in INTEGRITY of SOUL.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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It is living by your motherf-cking TRUTH.
That is what SOUL alignment is.
And that is exactly why you look out into this world and hardly see anyone doing it.
It is effing hard as hell to do this.
You know it is.
You know that your soul is calling your a*s to step the f-ck up but then you get that butterfly feeling in the pit of your tummy.
The palms of your hands start to sweat and your heart starts to race.
Because you for a half a second contemplated what life would be like if you pulled out all the stops.
If you just broke it down to the ease that life is suppose to be and stopped making it all so effing difficult on yourself.
Fear rose up inside of you because that takes great courage to step the f-ck in,
like ALL the f-ucking way in.
No not just your BIG toe.
No let me test the waters.
No I will give it my best college try.
That is not what will ever do it.
that is not what will manifest your dreams.
You want what you want.
You desire that life over there,
and it going to remain over there as long as you keep living the way that you are living which is not in alignment with your SOUL baby.
And it is most certainly not in accordance with that life that you desire so greatly.
You might be speaking about wanting this or that,
but when it comes down to it you are still wavering.
And wavering will not do the dead love.
You ain’t never going to call in the big bucks,
call in that motherf-cking amazing life partner that you fall asleep dreaming about,
it will never get you the hot body you want,
it will never make you magnetic the way that you want.
And you know what it will never do for sure?
Make you proud of yourself.
Build your confidence.
Give you the creative energy,
the passion or the motivation that you want.
Nope wavering is for those who fear life.
Wavering is for those who take the biggest risk with life,
and that is the risk of never living it fully.
You want to get full on life.
Feel so full and complete in who you are,
have it all.
Then this requires you to step the f-ck all the way in.
This requires you to stop doing all the damn things that you have been doing,
that feel so comfortable, even though they may be the culprits of your average and ordinary,
not going anywhere way of living,
but surviving the day life.
Yeah it may be comfortable like that.
But if you have that SOUL CALLING goin’ on inside you baby,
then let me be the rude awakener to the fact that there is something far more important than your damn comfort..
And that is called your TRUTH.
Your life PURPOSE.
You need to get straight with the fact that you were born for something so much more than what you have chosen to be and the reason you feel so damn melancholy and lethargic about life,
is because your soul is f-cking bored with who you have allowed yourself to become.
How you have just simply settled for this survivor shit.
Get through life with no pain.
No bad stuff happening.
And to do it you risk everything that life was given to you for.
Are you serious right now?
Come on lovely,
you have got to feel that you are so much more than this little shadow of a being that you have told yourself that you are.
You have got to feel it in your bones.
I know you KNOW.
And yet you keep fighting.
You keep ignoring.
And some crazy affliction you have is causing you to believe that things are “just fine”
Well they are not!
You were not born to just settle.
You were not born to just get by.
You were not born to live small.
God did not make something unworthy of greatness.
He made you to stand in his greatness and thus your own
But you have got to step the f-ck in.
All the way in.
this thing you proclaim to call your life,
well it wants YOU –
Are you ready to want it back fully?
That is the question of today baby.
That is the question of each and every day.
And your answer need to not just be your beautiful words of commitment.
Life is demanding that you take ACTION.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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The comment that rings loud to me from today is, “You can see who is in integrity. You cannot manifest over $22k overnight if you are not!”
Yes this comment.
So true is the statement that I knew I had to share it.
If you question WHY things are not happening for you in your manifestation process,
look no further than your integrity.
Integrity is key.
It is integrity with soul.
It is integrity with God.
And it is integrity with the world around us and the people in our lives.
We cannot manifest at the levels of blessing that we are intended to out of integrity unless we do so with a darkness attached which will only posses us somewhere down the road.
And cast ill karma onto our lives.
If you want clean manifestation that comes with ease and massive flow,
then you must not try and by pass the key component of integrity.
You must stand clear within yourself.
Clear within your relations with others.
You must listen to your soul and stop the actions of ego.
It may seem like it would be an easy thing to do.
all you are being asked to do is to stand in your own truth and speak it. Act it. and show up for and in it.
But the reality is that we humans love drama.
We are addicted to drama.
And we bask in our suffering.
It may sound sick,
and it is.
However, it still is human nature to do just this.
So we create our stories,
we share our tales,
and we devour the attention they bring us.
never realizing that we are sacrificing all of our dreams and desires,
our souls mission,
for this fraction of “feeling alive” through self created drama for attention.
Sad but true.
Many a time,
we find ourselves acting from the place of our inner fearful, self-centered bratty twelve year old state.
We throw our fit.
We beg for understanding.
We stop and we demand.
We point fingers in blame.
And we tell more tales in hopes of gaining a compassionate ear.
Weaving these tales until we can no longer find ourselves,
we continue on this spinning drama cycle where when we finally stop to breathe,
we meet reality.
The harsh back hand of reality swings over our lives and screams for us to wake up.
Our world has crumbled.
We are in the wreckage alone.
The power is still ours.
It has always been ours.
But we must face our addiction,
we must put down the need to feed on the drama.
If we ever want the opportunity to manifest the blessings that God wants for our lives.
Here we stand.
Here we weep.
Here we must come,
battered and bruised from the wounding of the drama we self- inflicted and the lessons we refused to handle in love and grace.
The answer has not changed.
The answer still remains.
Integrity is key.
Standing strong in it we create our blessings.
We manifest our desired life.
Our F-ck Yes Life!
And we smile.
Without it we fall.
Our world crumbles with every touch of our hand.
And we weep in not understanding.
Not understanding that all we ever had to do was be in our truth,
step into our soul alignment.
And live from here.
Will you step into it with me?
Will you embrace your self blessing power?
Or will you turn away and continue to wonder why?
Stop Existing & Start Living
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Have you ever had one of the moments where you feel like you just KNOW what is going to happen before it does?
One of those moments where you could swear you were psychic even?
Where for whatever reason, God blessed you with a KNOWING?
I get these often in life.
The more alignment I get with my soul,
the more they happen too.
I should be grateful for them,
and often I am.
However the pain that comes from some of them is never much fun.
In some crazy way, it does allow for me to prepare for storms.
The thing that many of my “psychic” moments predict is a loss of integrity in relationships.
It is as though those that are the closest to me, also believe that they will not be seen for their truth. And perhaps they would not if there were not these messages being received.
I am amazed in moment’s like this, of how accurate and quick formulating some things are.
It never fails, I always think I am having some crazy ass thought, that makes no sense. I question myself as to where the heck such an image or thought would come from, and then BAM just hours or a few days later these events come to pass. And i am given confirmation.
It is soul alignment.
It is a message from soul, alerting us to become more of a witness.
To pay closer attention to what is happening in our midst, and to TRUST.
Trust out intuition.
Trust our gut reactions.
And lean in.
These messages are here to help us prepare.
Help guide us.
So that we are not always operating from a place reaction,
but can become more proactive and on purpose in our dealings.
Now, I get these messages, these soul observations on “good” and “bad”events.
They come through in feelings,
They come through in visions,
They come through in dreams,
They come through in written words,
or even what you could say are signs.
I believe that God is always speaking to us.
His guidance is always with us.
We close ourselves to these messages because they make zero to no sense to our logical mind,
We cannot understand how they are possible so we disregard them,
then act in shock when things come to pass.
These KNOWING moments.
They are a blessings.
Even when they hurt.
It is said that all the great visionaries, leaders and game changers of time learned to trust these events.
SO why don’t we?
Why do we hide from our inner knowing?
Allowing our ego’s to mask what our soul knows.
Here is yet, one more thing.
One more opening,
For personal growth.
God has our back and speaks to us daily.
The only question to ever ask is,
“Am I open to hear what God has to share?”
Stop Existing & Start Living
Something we long to have,
something we long for other’s to have in us and us in them.
It is given freely and in boat loads at the beginning of a relationship and THEN as time moves forward we break our trust with others and we have our trust broken.
The small little moments when we don’t hold space,
where we choose to not be authentic,
where we mask our feelings,
These all tear away at trust.
Then we have those bigger moments, where trust crashes on the shores of a disaster and we feel ourselves overtaken by the pain of what we believed we had that we quickly discover was misplaced.
One of the most beautiful aspects of life,
providing us with a strength to lean in and embrace all that we crave,
all that we hunger for.
All that we want to be and want to experience.
the surrender of TRUST.
It is a giving of our deepest selves,
and this is why when it is breached it hurts so effing much.
This is why we fear listening to that inner voice,
opening our hearts and revealing ourselves at any depth.
So we starve ourselves.
We keep things at the surface and we do not venture down the rabbit hole of true relationship.
I find myself this morning looking at this word with great love,
with great hatred and fear,
with a reality that for all the trust that I have,
I trust VERY little.
And the message from my SOUL that I aim to share here with you, is that we all have these feelings. We all fear TRUST.
The bigger issue is that we fear trust more with ourselves,
more with GOD than we do with other’s in our life.
The trust that we give or don’t give to other’s is nothing more than a reflection of the trust that we give to ourselves and thus to God.
We are always being met with a reflection of something inside ourselves, and it is the awareness that the reflection is there to serve us, to heal us, to open us and to connect us to ourselves and all that is, IS THE LESSON.
Trust is a main area in which we must awaken to our core issues to alignment.
We want for so much in life.
We desire more abundance, more money, more sex, better health, better relationships, more fun, adventure, opportunity.
Yet we DO NOT TRUST that we are WORTHY of it or that we CAN HAVE IT.
Therefore we consistently look for how it is not showing up.
We manage to lean into self-sabotage when the beauty of all that we want is offered, we find our way home to the comfort of our pain body and we give reason to NOT TRUST or be trustworthy.
It is a two way street.
As everything in life is about relationship.
No matter what we are desiring we are in a relationship with it.
And in order to go deeper into a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP we must be able to trust ourselves and to trust those that are in alignment to us.
This morning I sit here with issues based just in this word.
I write this note from a deep place in my heart and soul. A place that desires to trust but is constantly awakening to the reality that I have challenges in this department.
I have powerful reason’s as to why I should not trust,
why I should not lean in, ‘why I should not offer up my truth.
I feel myself wanting to hide.
Wanting to disregard what I know at my core.
Wanting to act as though the reality of this current moment is something else, when in fact I am being given an opportunity within this problem around trust to see clearer.
To offer compassion.
To offer love so that all can heal.
This requires authentic relating.
This requires INTEGRITY.
Trusts is given freely and in boat loads at the beginning of a relationship.
Then we manage to f-ck it up from all the little and not so little choices that we make.
Within the f-ck up we are given an opportunity to stand in INTEGRITY. And with integrity we open the doorway again to
When we choose to be authentic,
to come clean with ourselves,
and with the relationships in our life,
we access a deeper version of our SOUL.
We embrace our humanness.
We embrace love.
We show God that we trust that we will be held,
and that we can heal.
We open ourselves to MORE.
And here we align to soul.
Here we access our TRUTH.
Here we EXPAND and LIVE.
Anything else is an illusion of the life we create through our fear, through our ego.
Anything else is self-sabotage.
If you want to TRUST, and be trusted, then you MUST at all cost stand in INTEGRITY.
You MUST show up as your authentic self.
And you must EMBRACE your humanness and what you may perceive as flaws as spaces for growth.
TRUST your core.
TRUST your soul.
TRUST your heart.
Stand there, in that meadow.
With SELF first.
Can you look in the mirror and say that you stand in integrity?
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
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Love, marriage, relationship, sex, commitment, integrity, open-mindedness, judgement, new friends, old lovers and so much more…
Most of what keeps coming up this last week for me is circling around our idea’s and beliefs when looking at marriage or a “committed” relationship. The do’s and don’ts, and what is truly correct. What I have been reminded of the most is that one person’s “right way” is not always another person’s “right way,” and that this is such a beautiful thing that so many have a tough time accepting and seeing for the incredible gift that it is. As an ego based society we have been brainwashed into believing so fully that our beliefs are actually fact that we have squeezed out life, free will and individuality. We have buried personal truth and forgotten the age old wisdom, of love thy neighbor. The one core principle that ALL religions and spiritual practices have in common and as foundation. We have also forgotten that even our own personal truths and beliefs can change over the course of time and that in the end they are still only opinions in the eyes of others. Weather we back our statements with scripture, scientific evidence, or something else, they are all conjured from human translation.
Interestingly enough, since my last writing I have been through quiet a host of events and thoughts on this. A lover that I have had for a few years now (whom is a married man) had to deal with the possibility of divorce with his wife after a large dispute over his sexual activity outside of the marriage. Yet, their relationship is sexually dead and I mean DEAD. There is not even guilt sex happening. Now, I know that many who read this will be disgusted and damning, saying that in this sort of case instead of having an affair one should just get out of the relationship and stay in integrity. If your not happy then it is time to move on. If there are issues that cannot be resolved then it is time to move on. True as all of that is from a logical stand point, there are personal reasons that many who have affairs have that make it not so cut and dry. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience here. I have been an adulteress and obviously I have been a mistress as well. Both roles have blessed me with so much life lesson and deep empathy that I cannot see the disgust in them but only the beauty and empowerment that they both have led too.
Now, here is another interesting event of my week. Another old lover of mine who is a single man but was married years ago has a jealous, controlling ex-wife who has decided that he should not even text with me. Her attitude is very similar to the wife of my other lover, yet there is no contract that she can hold over his head or shame him of some religious sin. She can however cause disturbances and chaos.
In both cases above what we have are some core beliefs that we are taught about relationship, especially marriage.
In marriage you are responsible for your partners happiness.
In marriage, you are NOT to have any intimate or emotional relationships outside of that relationship.
Love as unconditional as we may say it is hits the wall of conditions when dealing with sex and emotions.
Ownership. (Partners own the rights to use of their partners body, especially genitals)
Jealousy is love.
If you cheat, you do not love your husband/wife.
So as you read this list, what did your heart say about each item?
Your heart not your ego, your beliefs and programs. Not what religion states. But what did your heart say? Your heart speaks in whispers remember, while the others are in your face, yelling the answers.
In follow up to these two events, I decided to do some social research on FaceBook and pose a couple questions. Here they are with some of the answers I received.
Is infidelity ALWAYS infidelity?
▪ Nope. Not always…Guess it depends on what your own definition of that is.
▪ Other’s concept of infidelity may not be yours. Not a universal definition.
▪ Infidelity is infidelity no matter how you slice it and dice it. infidelity is kissing another woman/man on the lips or commiting a sexual act with another person when in a relationship with someone. example…. peter is dating jenna, peter kisses another girl and has sexual relations with the other girl, that is infidelity.
▪ There are couples that are monogamous and then there are others that are polyamorous. Whatever works for a couple the most important thing is honesty with each other.
▪ A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship. No one should expose themselves to such thing for a prolonged agonizing period. Though leaving in itself is self empowering, and probably something that needs to be done by you. Cheating or committing in act of infidelity is a weakness that one succumbs under.
▪ And my favorite response: If communication is open and honest, then infidelity would never occur
The next question I posed was:
70%+ divorce rate. Over 40% of men in their late 40’s to 50’s have affairs. Over 30% of women in their 30’s have affairs. Many relationships have non existent or almost there so sexual relations after the 12th year together. Sperm are designed to fight sperm from other men, so that the strongest may win and the strongest offspring will be born to a woman. Women can become allergic to their mates semen.
College Study: In the early 1970s, a schoolteacher in southern England assigned a class science project in which his students were to find out the blood types of their parents. The students were then to use this information to deduce their own blood types (because a gene from each parent determines your blood type, in most instances only a certain number of combinations are possible). Instead, 30 per cent of the students discovered their dads were not their biologically fathers.
Question of the day: Are humans designed to be a monogamous species?
▪ It is possible. it requires a lot of internal work; which most people are not willing to go through.
▪ No, I don’t believe so. The reality of our true biological nature does not lend itself to that. We are programmed & learn that we should be, however, just look realistically at the divorce rate & you can see that something is a miss.
▪ I don’t think so… I think monogamy is a choice, one that can be followed through with, but naturally designed to be, no. Look at the bonobo, we are more closely related to them than any other primate/species. They, besides us (humans) are the only species who have sex, just for fun, and they do so with multiple partners. There is no hierarchy, no violence… I think it’s time we realize this, not to necessarily have multiple partners, but to have a better understanding of why we have such a high rate of failed monogamous relationships.
▪ Yes, were designed to be monogamous.. But as we as a human race evolved down through history, very early on we developed an appetite for more, and diverse engagement.. The pleasure center of our being was unlocked and an insatiable desire took over.. Pleasure is one thing, real love is another.. There is something sacred, about loved shared with one…and one only.. But our society doesn’t know how to facilitate that anymore.. There are unseen forces that prompt and Ignite some of the deeper..even hidden.. Passions.. That we might have had for just one person.. So yes, were designed.. But in the current cultural climate it is difficult to maintain.. Must be an incredible commitment to that person in your life.. Subtle, seek to steal and Rob the beauty, of that kind of oneness between two people.. Like some unseen force trying to take it away entirely… Just my sincere and humble opinion.
▪ I used to believe we were meant to be monogamous but I’m believing more and more that there is no way that just one person can satisfy all of our wants and needs (nor can we satisfy them). I believe in being open and honest with a partner but not necessarily monogamous. Just my opinion.
▪ Interestingly . . . way back in time . . . women decided what attributes their child would have . . . strength, stature, gentleness, hair colour, etc. . . . and would then seek out amongst the males in their community or tribe . . . those who embodied or embraced those qualities . . . and they would then mate with all of the chosen ones, repeatedly . . .
When the woman became pregnant with child . . . she would be supported by others of her ilk . . . and when the baby arrived . . . all of the fathers – sperm donors . . . would come to acknowledge their contribution to the new arrival . . . Within the tribe there would be those who quite naturally assumed the fatherly role in the child’s upbringing . . . even though they might not have been amongst the sperm donors .
What does all of this come down too?
Opinions. Beliefs. Programs.
All supported. All beautiful. All correct and all wrong. The true lesson of humanity is to love thy neighbor as thy self. And such raw topics such as infidelity and monogamy vs. non-monogamy are perfect teachers. Yet, fear blinds us. It blinds us from the possibilities of living in harmony and peace by embracing in unconditional love our neighbors, our lovers and mates and even ourselves. Instead of opening our minds and hearts we restrict them and point fingers. We say, “I am not judging you, that is God’s job,” while we state our opinion as fact. We slam the door of brotherhood because we fear our brothers beliefs. We go on witch hunts and call those who do not live according to our ways sluts, whores, tempters and temptresses. We pity them and most of all we fear the questions they pose to our soul without ever verbally asking it: Why am I not happy and what am I so scared of?
Fear is the answer to both.
Both questions come back to false evidence appearing real. Both are based on what we perceive as a danger when in fact, it is only self-created illusion supported by society.
We are not happy because we lack the strength and courage to live in integrity and authentically to be ourselves. We are fearful that if we were to do this, we would loss love, acceptance, family, comfort, all that we know. We fear that what we cherish in our lives and in love is truly conditional based.
We are scared of the reality of these conditions and that by living in our truth we will loose all that we feel we need.
And in reality….
Fear is just an illusion. There is no danger in any of the above. There is the reality that in many cases our fear WILL be supported by those parties we are interacting with and that we may very well find out that what we knew deep down is actually true. But, this just means that it was all a hoax anyway.
The hoax of conditional, fear based, controlling need wearing the mask of unconditional love.
In the end, it is a personal choice. The choice of living in a lie and being a sheep to needs of another or being a lion and standing firm for WHO YOU authentically are, just the way god made you.
Choose wisely. You deserve it!
“The moment of relief is when you drop the oars and let the stream turn you. Surrender and ask for what you need.” –Abraham Hick
The question that we all use often and that truly has a different meaning then the words used. Are you okay is a question asked of someone when someone else is feeling a societal need, a duty, a face to uphold. It is asked of someone when another party feels as if they should inquire but is not really committed to knowing the truth of the other. It is often asked in closer relationships when one party is feeling that there is something not okay but is not at peace with really hearing the answer. Because of our psychological programming, our fear of loss, our unstable emotional blockages we naturally answer this question when posed it, “Yes, yes I am okay. – Yes, I am fine. – Yes, all is good.” These responses are not accurate in most cases. These responses come with mixed feelings. “Yes, I am okay.” Actually says, “No, I am not okay but I am scared to share where I really am with you. I don’t trust you will handle where I am so I am going to give you the answer that you want and that will allow you to stop further inquiry and not feel guilty about it.” This answer at the same time is saying,” I know you feel something and I want you to dig deeper. I want to express fully but don’t know how or am unsure if I can trust you to hold space for me and where I am. I hope you can feel me calling through and asking you to go deeper with me. I want to be loved unconditionally and heard/seen.”
Our need to be heard, seen, truly felt and space held for us is a vital aspect of our human experience and healing, however because we all come with our own baggage we are fearful of opening ourselves at these levels and in turn give and accept these bullshit inquiries and responses.
This is one of the main questions posed in society, in all of our relationships. Through this question we actually convince ourselves that we care, that we want to know, that we have done our part in helping the one being asked, but stop and analyze this within yourself deeper. The last time you were asked this question, how did you respond? Did you feel heard? Felt? Seen? Did you feel any true connection or concern coming from the asking party or did you feel as though you and the other side had fulfilled a obligation of some sort in the brief inquiry? The last time you asked this question of someone did you get the response you had hoped for and was good with it so left it at that surface inquiry or did you hear a lack of integrity from the person asked? Did you hear their programmed answer and take it to a deeper level where you opened the door to real authentic love and empathy? If you did this did you hold space for the other person or did you open that door with a need to prove that you could “fix” them or show them the right path. What was YOUR underlying agenda in the inquiry no matter how deep you chose to take it?
Communication; Heart-felt and accepted communication is what we are all craving and yet we are scared shitless of embracing. We become involved in many relationships in our life times and even in the most committed, loving and connected ones we prevent this from happening. We fall prey to our programming and to our egos. Perhaps it is because we know that opening this doorway is like opening Pandora’s Box. Once opened we in truth are forever changed and we run the risk of looking silly, weak, psychologically messed up, selfish, insecure, possibly even suicidal if we really got down to the nitty gritty in some cases. We run into the possibility of sharing more of ourselves then we ever have trusted share before and this may cause our friend, lover, family member to shut down because they are not equipped with the skills and the maturity to hear our truth. Perhaps it is because we are all walking around with some amount of shame and distrust. We have been told from a young age to suck it up, that sharing these shadow lands of our internal selves is not healthy and it is actually selfish. We are told over and over again that emotion is meaningless, it is something that we need to learn to control and not embrace. We are told to hold it in, suppress it and move forward. Our society is programmed to believe that any emotional state of being that “Is NOT Okay,” is ill, wrong and should be suppressed in any way possible. Even medicated. But does this mean that it is right?
When we block one emotional state and stop living in heart integrity we naturally start blocking others. In what can be a very short period of time we find ourselves completely masking life, our hearts, our souls and all that we have to offer. Our love even becomes muted and you can feel or see the radiant light that was once present draining away from our living corpse. Our relationships, no matter how intimate become distant and we find ourselves alone, prisoners in this thing called life that we have no understanding of really.
Over and over again, I have heard from couple’s, especially men:
“She use to smile so much. Her smile could light up a room, if only she would do that now.”
“ When __________ is turned on she is the most extraordinary woman I have ever seen, I wish I knew how to get her into that state more.”
“She use to be so happy.”
“ I miss us talking about everything. I use to think that together we could do anything in this world, but that was then. Reality has set in and life is hard. We were young and dumb.”
“ People change. I don’t make her happy anymore.”
“I wish she could share with me more.”
“I don’t think she loves me anymore.”
“ I wish we could just talk without her getting so over emotional.”
“Women are too emotional. Your hormones mess everything up, we men cannot take what you say, do or are acting like for reality. I wish women could just be more stable minded.”
On the reverse I hear:
“ He use to make me smile in how he handled everything and supported me.”
“I wish he would just open up and share what is bugging him so much instead of ignoring me.”
“ I know he knows that we have not been right for some time now, but he won’t hear me out.”
“ I feel so alone.”
“Its just my hormones that are acting up. (It’s my period, I just got over my period, I am going through the change of life, I have the baby blues, etc)”
“It’s this new medication I am on.”
“I wish we could talk and he would just let me cry if I needed.”
These are all common statements made and felt. How sad it is that on both sides of the coin we feel a responsibility, a shame, a deep longing even to have more, embrace more but allow our egos to prevent the beauty of this soul communication by making us believe that if we express these “meaningless” emotions that we will sacrifice our relationship, ourselves and our image. If we open Pandora’s Box we are weak and immature, we are not cut out for this thing called life because the successful are strong and emotionless.
By opening this box though we do run the risk of seeing other souls at a deeper level and connecting with them in the space that they are at, we possibly may fall more in love with them, ourselves and with life by allowing both their humanness and our own to be revealed. We also run the risk of walking in a land that we have not traveled before ever or very much and see aspects of ourselves mirrored back at us that we are not fully ready to accept and heal. We may be asked to hold space or to support this other soul in a way that we are uncomfortable with. There may be nothing in return for us by opening at this level except a pain in our heart center that we cannot explain but feel great alignment with and wish we had someone that could hold this space for us.
Our interconnectedness as humans is amazing, but the interconnected, soul lessons that we are blessed with at a greater depth with those that we are physically connected to (our children, lovers, parents, siblings and close friends) are all the more intense. Our egos would have us believe that we should ignore and close ourselves off to even these people but is this the right and healthy thing to do or just the easy way out?
The next time you ask someone, “Are you okay?” Stop and ask if you are really ready to hold space for this person and whatever their truth is? Ask yourself if you are ready to inquire deeper when they give you the socially acceptable and expected answer of, ‘yes, I am okay.”? If you are not ready to do these two things, then DON’T ask. Smile at them, take a deep breath and walk away or ask a different surface question that will allow for idle communication without soul depth. If you choose to ask this question, be willing to embrace the other soul without judgment the best you can. Go as deep as you can with them in the moment. Know that most of us have never been allowed to express or experience deep communication and sharing and even though we crave it like the air we breathe, we will attempt over and over again to shut down the valves so that we won’t get hurt. Fear will be standing guard and the one who is being inquired of will look for ANY reason, any disconnect, any distance or fear within the inquirer to support the shut down. Past programs will be running at high speed in these intimate times and if a trigger is engaged you may have to recalculate, breathe and even allow for space to form to a degree before going deeper.
True authentic communication and acceptance is NOT easy or without risk. It takes a deep love and courage on both sides to reveal and be revealed into so much nakedness of self.
Do you have what it takes to love or be loved at this level?