Never ask me to do this…

My mentor recently wrote about how if you ask her to give up her art then you will never know her heart, because without the art there is no heart.
 
I sat with this thought all day yesterday after reading her words ( which I will share in full shortly for you). I sat with it because as I read them, my heart gasp in enthusiasm of being understood FINALLY.
 
So often I find myself being asked to sacrifice my work,
my writing, my sharing with you for something else. For a relationship. For false stability.
 
I find my art getting smashed down and hidden under rugs and in corners because it is not perceived as IMPORTANT or it is “just my j-o-b.”
 
I find these same things that request I sacrifice my art, to also desire to become closer to me, to take up valuable space in my life, in my days and weeks. They want time and energy from me, they want my attention but they deny my art and the love I have for it.
 
As I read her words, I realized that out of all the things and people that have pushed my art to the side, that I was by far the worst. It is ONLY me who ever say’s yes or no to my art.
 
It is only me who ever set’s the boundaries around my time, my energy, my life….
 
My art.
 
And it is my doing that at points in life that I allow it to be stolen from me. Hidden and handicapped.
 
I want to share my heart.
I want to share my passion.
I want to reveal all that I know at my deepest core.
At my soul.
 
So why do I allow it to be ignored and put on the back burner?
For the same reason’s that you do!
 

FEAR.

 
Fear of loss of all those that take it’s place.
Fear of not being worthy.
Fear of being too much.
 
Yes that is why we hide from our art at times and allow the loss of it to form in my life until we feel like our lives are no more.
 
Until we can no longer breathe,
because our heart has been squished.
Has lost its life.
 
My art is not my j-o-b.
I do not have a j-o-b.
My message, my mission, my sharing and teaching.
My writing and speaking,
this is all my art.
 
My art comes from my heart.
It comes from that centered place deep withing my soul where I feel the divine speaking and calling out.
 
Using my hands,
my mouth,
my whole being….
 
for not my art.
but God’s Art.
 
If you ask me to choose between my art and you, I’ll choose my art
 
And if you think it’s not a big deal to speak to me or draw my attention in any way while I’m in that art, you break my heart
 
Soon enough then, there’ll be nothing left to give you anyway, because my art is my heart and only from my art beats my heart so if you break it –
 
And you continually show you don’t get that it’s always art first –
 
I have to remove myself or there will be no more art
 
And no more heart
 
For anyone” — Katrina Ruth
 
So why the f-ck ever choose ANYTHING other than your art?
 
That becomes the question.
There is NEVER a reason good enough if you look at it like this.
 

What is your art?

Choose it today.

Claim Your Life.

 
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.

Living Your Insanity.

Reality is THIS.

Look at your world.
Look at your experiences,
RIGHT NOW.

What are you living?
How are you feeling?
Who are you associating with?

Are you happy?
Are you thriving?

Or are you feeling
dull,
irritable,
depressed,
angry,
lost?

Reality is THIS.
What you think about you become.

What you consistently feed your mind,
your mind will feed your body and emotions,
and you WILL become it.

So what are you consuming TODAY?

In this moment.

If you claim you have no effing clue, then look no further than your life.

Your own back yard.
Whatever is showing up is what you are focusing in on in some fashion.

And by fashion I mean energetically.
You may not be conscious of your fears, your worries, your negativity,
but if that is what you are being shown in your life expereinces THEN GUESS WHAT?

That is exactly what you are focusing on.

That is where you are vibrating.

It really is not that difficult.
So many times we make life harder than what it was ever intended on being.

We try to hard.
It is not about the trying.

It is ALL about the DOING.

Just remember that ACTION is what makes things move.

You want more:
JOY
HAPPINESS
SEX
Better Relationship
MONEY
HEALTH

or whatever those desires are,
well all you need to do to get them is to focus on FEELING GOOD NOW!

And go do just that!!!

How is feeling bad,
being a victim to your life,
looking at what is always wrong with your life serving you anyway?

I mean have you ever REALLY asked yourself this?

You may say that you are a realist.
And reality is that life is shit right now.

Well woohoo! I am so happy that you have discovered that your life is shit right now.

Is focusing on the shit helping you move through it any quicker?

Is worrying on why the shit is there or if more is coming preventing you from having more shit show up?

Has being a realist and fixating on the shit EVER been the action that was required to get you to the life that you actually DESIRE?

Or is the truth that when you allow yourself to feel good,
to feel love,
to laugh,
to play,
to smile,
to enjoy,

when good shit happens?

I want you to really look at the actions or lack of actions that you are taking in your life today and see how they are supporting your desired life?

If you want to get real about something, get real about THIS.

Living a F*ck YES! Life is no harder than the food you feed your vibration.

STOP the INSANITY of focusing on the negative and expecting positive.

It WILL NEVER HAPPEN this way.

N-E-V-E-R

Take the actions that will carry you into abundance and joy.

By allowing yourself to get into the flow, you will never go hungry for anything again.

But the trick to any of this F*ck YES!! Lifestyle is ALLOWING yourself into the FLOW through YOUR OWN JOY.

Start there.
Or stop complaining.

And as always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living

For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.

The Epidemic of “Most Likely Not.”

Most likely not, but who the f-ck knows, right?

 
Most likely not the right time.
Most likely not the right person.
Most likely not the right opportunity.
Most likely not the right energy.
Most likely not the blah, blah, blah.
 
I am speaking to you today about just this epidemic of, “Most Likely Not.”
 
It is an epidemic.
I shit you not.
It has taken over your mind.
It has stolen your hearts desires.
It has cast fear into your soul.
 
The epidemic of most likely not.
It is what makes the one’s who actually do,
so f-cking rare.
It is what makes so many so ill in their lives.
 
Most likely not my time.
Perhaps I “should” just wait a little longer,
get a better plan,
be smart about this move,
stick it out and see what happens,
be responsible.
 
Are you one of those people who need a plan for everything.
Need to have your ducks lined up first before making a move.
 
Are you one of those folks who always see’s everything that could go wrong with a choice, a situation.
Examining all possible roads before making a commitment to something.
 
Are you one of those peep’s who is always saying that you want something or are going to do something, but then has no clue where to start or how to get there so takes months, maybe years to ever act on your hearts desires, and when you FINALLY take the f-cking leap crash because you really did miss your timing.
 

Well are you?

 
Let’s be real here.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty truth of why the f-ck you are not living the life that you were born to live.
 

Are you ready?

Are you?

 
Are you sure you want to hear this?
 
Well, even if you don’t that is just TOUGH SH*T BABY,
because I will yell it from the roof tops as to the reason you are not living your life the way you want.
 
I have no issue standing before you and writing it out for you to examine, ponder, try to figure out a way around and cringe over.
 
I love you.
I want to see you become the shining start that God wants you to be.
I want to see you in all of your glory.
You were born for greatness.
 
We all know it.
You can feel it.
 

Stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW.

S-T-O-P!

 
Seriously, pause a moment and take your right hand and place it on your chest. Put your effing hand on your heart.
 
Don’t worry, yeah sure this is one of those love yourself, catch the feels for yourself moments. Tap into your emotions.
 
Yep I said that.
Tap into your effing emotions.
Now, I want you to take your left hand and place it on your groin.
 
You know down there.
On your crotch.
Your junk.
Your genitals.
 
No not to masturbate, silly.
Take your hand off from doing that and just let your hand comfortably rest on your genitals.
 
Now close your damn eye’s.
 
Close them.
And BREATHE.
 
Deep into your stomach.
Not your f-cking chest!
Your stomach.
Relax your tight ass and allow your stomach to expand.
Stop worrying about how you look right now.
 
Just BREATHE.
Feel that heart beating in your chest.
Feel that breath filling your body.
Feel the warmth in your groin.
 
Feel your f-cking self!!!!
 
Does this scare the shit out of you?
Are you feeling uncomfortable in your own skin right now?
Wondering WTF you are suppose to be getting from this little exercise?
 
Find yourself in your head?
That is you running from your TRUTH.
 
Want to know WTF you are not living that life that you really want?
 
Why you cannot seem to ever have the relationships you want?
 
Why your bank account is always less than what you want?
Why you are not happy?
 
Well are you ready now?
Yeah most likely not.
 
It is so f-cking simple you don’t want to accept it.
You want it to be hard.
That is the truth, you want it to be difficult to achieve because then….
 
Then you have an excuse,
a reason,
as to why the f-ck you don’t have it.
 
So you are going to continue to create difficulties in your life to make sure you have lot’s of excuses and reasons as to WHY you cannot have, do not have the life that you claim you desire and want.
 
But the truth is having all that you want is easy as hell.
It does not take much at all.
It is just about getting into your mother f-cking flow.
 
That is it.
And does FLOW sound like it should be difficult?
 
No, of course not.
If it was difficult then it would not be flow.
 
Does a river have a difficult time flowing.
Nope not unless someone damns it up.
 
Well you are the one,
the only effing one who is damning up your flow.
 
You have no one to blame but you baby.
 
So are you ready to hear the truth now?
Are you ready to receive the answer that you do not want, because hiding is so much more comfortable than actually stepping into your flow.
 
You are comfortable with your suffering,
that is why you still are living it.
 

O-K-A-Y…..

 
We are ready, not really but I am going to share it now anyway.
Here is the reason,
Here is the thing that you don’t want to hear.
Here is the mother f-cking truth of your life.
 
Ready….
 
#truthbomb
#realitycheck
 

Your lazy as f-ck and don’t believe it is for you.

 
There I said it.
You are lazy as f-ck and don’t believe it is for you.
 
Now the lazy as f-ck thing is really not the problem’
I am lazy as f-ck,
that is why I designed my life the way that I have.
That is exactly why I created my mother f-cking F-ck Yes Life!
(WOW! that was a bunch of the f word there, oh well, not very professional of me or Godly of me, huh. Oh, well, get the f-ck over it baby, it is just me being authentically me and preaching the f-cking truth to you on WTF you are tired, disillusioned, depressed, sick, angry and fearful of living your f-cking life.)
 
The TRUTH is that lazy is NOT your issue.
 
No the TRUTH is that you don’t believe that you can.
 
Therfore you are trying to control everything instead of just LETTING GO and LETTING God’s Flow Happen.
 
You claim you believe in something greater than yourself.
You claim you believe that God has your back.
You claim that you believe that you are saved.
You claim that you believe that God can move mountains.
You claim all this stuff.
 
But that is the issue.
It is STUFF.
And you don’t really believe it.
You are faking your belief.
 
If you REALLY had a drop of belief you would just simply step into your flow and stop resisting it.
 
But you don’t.
 
Which is why those of us who choose to step into the river of blessings and just open ourselves up are so f-cking rare.
 
This river is ever flowing.
There is more than enough with plenty left over.
We could jump and frolic, laugh and play in this abundance together.
 
But you don’t believe you can have it.
You are to caught up on everything else that you are trying to control instead of just reaping the blessings that this phenomenal life has to offer.
 
I wish it were different.
And it is for some.
About 0.01% of some that is.
 
But is that 0.01% you?
You may feel that stir in your gut.
Butterflies in your tummy.
Warmth in your chest.
Pulsing in your genitals.
 
But is it REALLY you?
Only YOU can answer this.
 
Until you get around to answer it,
I am going to be over here in the sparkling, cool, relaxing waters of abundance.
Enjoying my life.
My day.
My blessings.
I am going to bask in the sunshine of this life and just breathe it in.
Follow my bliss and get lost in life’s rapture.
 
I will be here.
Waiting for you to come join.
 
Say yes to you.
You deserve to live.
 
I love you.
 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

 
PS – Yesterday I launched my newest online workshop.
It is 10 days of alignment asskickery for anyone who wants to leap into their desired life.
 
Stop F*cking Around launched yesterday and Live training kicks in on July 18th, 2018.
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/
 
You will not want to miss this event.
 
Here are some of the thing s that people are saying who have sampled the workshop so far.
 
” Wow, it is like magic. I accessed the pre-work and instantly felt the changes in my thinking. So powerful.”
 
“I love your style, you teach and share with such ease, it’s like working with your best friend. I feel like you just get me and where I am at.”
 
“You make it so easy to just embrace life. I have followed you for years and having this opportunity to work with you is so exciting.”
 
Stop F*cking Around – 10 days of Alignment Asskickery!
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/
 
Grab your spot TODAY and get started on creating that F-ck YES! Life Now.
 
STOP saying you want it, but NEVER take any solid action to GETTING IT.
 
STOP bouncing around with ton’s of great ideas, but no clarity as to what you really desire.
 
STOP making excuses, instead CLAIM your AWESOMNESS.
 
Do you have a calling that is screaming at you?
Do you crave an authentic, blissed out life?
Do you have ton’s of creative energy but no clue what to do with them?
Do you feel like you have tried all these things but are still just standing at the side lines of your life?
 
Well ….
 
The answer is simple.
 
Stop F*cking Around!
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/
 
SIGN UP NOW.
Start living your Truth.
Start Calling in your blessings.
You deserve it.
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/

I Do Me Daily.

How do you do it, I get asked all the time.
 
People are always inquiring how can I juggle or balance being a mom of 7, running my own business, taking care of my dementia mom, doing the community events that I do, creating workshops/courses, writing and vlogging daily and still have time for anything else?
 
Like:
Dating
Sex
Travel
Play
Relaxation
TLC Moments
 
The truth is I have ton’s of time for all of it.
I get to have all of this because I have decided to claim my life.
Claim my bliss.
My Joy.
My ORGASM.
 

I CHOOSE.

I get to have all of this and people pay me with a smile on their face and excitement in their hearts because I show them how I do this daily.
 
I feed their souls.
By feeding my soul.
 
Yes. That is all I do to have all of this and keep on having it BIGGER and more of it.
I just simply do me.
 
I make no excuses as to who I am and what my desires are.
I make no excuses as my VERY human moments where f-ck up.
I allow myself to be seen, Just as is, all the f-cking time.
 
So how do I do it all?
How do I have the time, the finances, the energy?
 
How do I call it in?
 
#1 – Gratitude is the foundation of ALL that I do.
I am always offering up a prayer of gratitude to God. Even when shit seem’s to be hitting the fan, I am thanking God for it. I know that it only appears as shit because of my perspective and if I were able to see my life through heavens eye’s that it would appear much different and these challenges that our life presents to us are here with purpose. So I thank God even for the pain, the struggle, the heartache. By doing this I experience fewer down points and I consciously keep myself focused on the light at the end of any tunnel.
 
Gratitude creates a certainty that God always has your back.
 
#2 – Worthiness is KEY to success.
I am not any different than you when it comes to worthiness issues. I struggle in every moment around my worthiness. My up bringing showed me that I was most likely not worthy, society reinforced it. My actions in my youth right up to my actions of yesterday even support my lack of worthiness consistently. The ONLY difference is that I recognize all of that as ego bullshit. I have done my inner work and I continue to do my inner work DAILY to overcome and show myself that I am WORTHY. I claim my worthiness just like I claim my life. DAILY.
 
#3 – I Get Turned On.
I allow myself to get turned on, matter a fact I look for opportunities to get turned on. If nothing is presenting itself, I create it. I ask for it. I look for it. My turn on is about all of life NOT just sex. I look for ways to experience ORGASM in life and when I find that warming tingle that ignites me, I dance with it. I play with it. I eat it up and I open myself to God to be f-cked wide open. I welcome the penetration through my surrender and joy.
 
#4 – I spread my body in surrender daily so that God can worship me and I God.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t open myself up to God so that the universe can flow through me. I write my opening in my daily journaling, I ask for the universe to carry me and I look for the opportunities that present themselves to me to achieve this. I understand the power that resides between my legs. Yes I understand the power of my sex and even in times when I want to close and shut down, I CHOOSE to open. I CHOOSE to receive orgasm. If only a small taste, I accept it and open consciously to more. I do this by putting my SEX as a priority. I allow God to worship me this way through my surrender to orgasm. The deeper I surrender, the deeper God penetrates me and the more extreme the worshiping which allows me a deeper worship with God as well. Worship in this form manifests my desires speedily because I am NOT trying to control it, I am just opening to it with a clear intent.
 
#5- Unapologetic Authenticity.
This one “should” be number one perhaps, as it is just as important as gratitude. Knowing yourself is not enough. Pretending to know yourself is far from tapping into greatness.
Being a follower will NEVER achieve the results you want.
Making excuses as to why you did this or that or are one way or another will never grant you any miracle or beauty. The ONLY way you get what you want is to unapolgetically be YOU!!!!! This means NO FOLLOWING. You can look for leadership, but you still must DO YOU 100%. Listening to society, friends, church, parents, spouse or other will only create a false you. It will only mask who you really are and encourage you to remain in the state you currently are. I learned a long time ago that BEING ME was the only way to my HAPPINESS. It has been a long journey and it is one that I walk with myself DAILY. I meet myself in every moment, with every person I come in touch with. I embrace all my aspects and have learned that the more I just let go of what I think everyone wants of me, the more everyone loves me and the happier I am. The better my message is, the deeper I can go and the greater light I can share.
 

SO how do I do it all?

How can a mom of 7 children ROCK her shit, take no excuses and live the F-CK YES! Life?
How can I go from $17k a year, bankruptcy, foreclosure and depression to a multi-six figure business, travel, ton’s of play, doing what I love and loving what I do.
Having a life that everything is just about me being me and living and getting paid F-cking Fantastic for it?
 
I just do the above.
I just follow my heart.
I let my soul lead.
I listen to my pussy you could say, if it turns me on, I do it.
If it turns me off, I don’t do it.
I have CERTAINTY that God has my back.
I count my blessings and I openly brag about them.
I keep my focus on my JOY.
 
That is what I do.
I DO ME DAILY Unapologetically.
 
What are you doing?

And as always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Sick As Shit, But NOT Accepting This.

I most likely “should” not be doing this today, after all I am sick.
I am recovering from this nasty as f*ck cold that took over my voice, my chest, my head, my sinuses. Keeping me awake hours all night and just not letting me sleep like a hungry lover who never is fulfilled.

I most likely “should” just cancel my day and F-ck it!
I most likely “should” go to the doctor and get some med’s to help me bust through this shit quicker.

Yeppers.
That is what I most likely “SHOULD” do.

But that is NOT what leaders do.
That is not what high vibe peep’s do.
That is not what those of us who have dreams do.

No.
It sure is f*uck not.

I might be sick.
I certainly need to take some TLC time.
I most defiantly need rest and a few good nights sleep.
But incorporating a practice of “shoulding on myself?”
I am F-CK NO to that one.

That will not heal me quicker or help me reach my goals.
It will not bring my being to a higher VIBE.

It will dilute me.
It will suck me dry from the false judgement,
the ego,
the fear,
the resistance of being all of me.

It will prevent me from SHINING my Mother F-cking Light as strong as I WANT to.

The issue is NOT in the things that I say I “should” do or “should not” do.

The issue is the SHOULD.

The statement of should say’s that I am basing…
My life,
My health,
My beliefs,
My goals,
My style,
My attitude,
My sex,
My money,
My LIGHT

on what I BELIEVE the world thinks I should do or should not do/be/have.

It is not based on WHO I AM, but on who I think society will accept the most.

There is the issue.

You know this issue, don’t you?
I bet you know it intimately even.

Maybe to intimately to acknowledge even,
keeping this relationship with “SHOULD” in the hiding as much as you can.
Acting as though you are removed from it,
Like you divorced it.
You don’t have that issue any longer.
That was the old you.

The new you is…

ENLIGHTENED.

Right?

Hahahahahahahahah…..
Okay sure.

I will let you sit there with that.
And I will sit here with mine.
And we can just sit in silence of our hiding our truth for just a second longer.

But here is the issue in that….

I can ONLY sit here a second with it.
I simply don’t have the time to give my life to all the “SHOULD’S and SHOULD NOT’S”

I simply KNOW with CERTAINTY that they will NEVER provide me with anything that I want.

They will only steal my breath.
They will only take my dreams and bury them in the waste land of a life that COULD HAVE BEEN.

They will only fill my soul with REGRET.

No.

I sure as F-CK DO NOT have more than a second of my time to sit here with you, in the silence of not chasing my dreams.

I know with CERTAINTY that God has my back.
I know with CERTAINTY that anything I truly put my mind, heart and attention to will manifest like f-cking magick for me.

I know with CERTAINTY that you can have this too.

But FIRST.
First you have to let go of your shoulding nature.

First you have to say goodbye to it,
let yourself cry your tears of mourning of letting go of all that holds you back,
(she coughs)
Yes your hold backs, those things that feel so f-cking safe and comfortable.

I KNOW you don’t want to admit it.
I KNOW you want to cringe at the realization of it.
I KNOW that you find yourself holding your breath,
feeling guilt or shame even around it,
But it is F-CKING TRUE.

Isn’t it?

Imagine if you just FINALLY accepted that you were limitless.
Imagine if you just FINALLY decided to get selfish.
Imagine if you just FINALLY chose to say YES,
Yes to YOU.

Who would you be?
What would you have?
Where would you go?
What would you do?

Imagine if you just stopped shoulding on yourself.
What would it FEEL like with out the should in your life?

Seriously,
I am the one who is SICK AS F-CK here…
I am the one that “should” be crying in my yogurt about how crappy I feel,
How tired I am,
How shitty my body feels today,
How much I still have to do and have no energy for.

F-CK THAT!
You won’t catch me doing that.

Instead,
Instead you will see me leaning in to the discomfort of
SAYING YES….

YES, to the most important person in this Mother F-cking world.

YES to ME.

Saying YES
to self care,
telling myself that I am worthy,
that I am lovable,
that I am unf-cking stoppable,
that I am powerful,
beautiful,
magnetic
and healthy.

Sh*t Ain’t Going To Get Me Down.
I will step past that “Should Pile” and I will put on my shoes,
eat my yogurt and strawberries,
drink my coffee and water,
write out my commandments of manifestation,
BREATHE in Life.
And SHINE.

Now the ONLY Question of the day that remains,
Is what will you do with your “should pile?”

STOP Stepping in it!
That is what I highly recommend.

And As Always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Mother F*cker Messed Up My Orgasm.

 
I sit here this morning not wanting to open up my text thread with my ex.
The negativity,
the control,
the anger that comes from it,
and that I feel inside just at reading the last words on the thread.
 
“Really?”
 
I already know the tone.
The comments and commands.
I feel disgust at this thread.
 
Late last night I saw his final words,
they hit me like lead in my gut,
Sorrow,
Distrust,
Bitterness,
Anger.
 
It is all here.
Stepping away from an enviroment,
a relationship for a few weeks or months
 

“Really”

 
does show you a person’s truth.
While in the relationship we make excuses,
get caught up in the day to day,
and simply just don’t want change.
We don’t want to have a relationship fail.
We want to make it work.
We want to be accepted, loved and connected.
Even at the cost of our well-being,
Our happiness,
Joy,
Health and freedom.
 
SO we ignore,
hide, ‘cover that shit up and act like it is not there.
 
Truth never stays hidden forever though.
A person’s true color’s ALWAYS come out.
And in my saga, the color’s are not so pretty in this relationship.
 
The truth of the reality is that I masked from myself my partners need to control and dominate. I knew he was an alpha personality walking in, and loved that about him. His strength and ability to hold boundaries was attractive. His assertiveness and masculine power was what I needed and desired. I needed the security of this. I needed the foundation of this. I also loved his calm, cool, collected stance. I loved his seemingly open mindedness and playfulness. He offered what I needed in the moment.
 
It was a season.
There was a reason.
 
Now those were gone.
Now I am left with the flip side.
The control freak, the aggressor, the one who when he does not get his way acts like a 3 year old and retracts himself, his love and says, ” I hate you.” Takes his ball and goes home.
 
Now I am left with his need to try and control me through our children. I wonder if he even notices it, if he is aware of his pattern’s, his actions or if he is just playing the role that is comfortable to him and feel’s safe.
 
Now I am left with the residue of his energy as it wafts through the text message, the facetime, the phone calls and emails.
 
Now I am left with him just ignoring anything he does not want to discuss because of the discomfort and his knowing that it will be emotional and I will speak my truth and he can do nothing to stop it.
 
Now I am left with him proving what his priorities are.
His bottom line is focused on his bank account and not on relationship.
His priority is to pretend that none of his actions had anything to do with anything.
His priority is to run and hide behind his masks, not seeing that he is turning into his worst nightmare. The people he always claimed he did not want to be like he is now mimicking them. He is now becoming the one’s that have since passed and he is honoring the patterns that they taught him as a little boy. He is now honoring a closed heart, a barren soul, a disconnected life.
 
In his desire to control, he does nothing more than share his rage and hatred. His fear.
 

But none of this is reason for him to steal my orgasm.

 
No, that is on me.
 
But I want to cast blame onto him.
I want to point the finger and say he did this to me.
 
Yes, this morning I sit here not wanting to open this thread of text messages between us because I feel all of it.
 
Last night, I did not open it in hopes to avoid it.
I wanted to avoid the negativity of his control.
I wanted to avoid looking at him on facetime with our nightly call for our kids.
I wanted to just not feel him for just one night, one day.
I wanted the freedom that flickers through my days.
I wanted to breathe.
 
But that last statement attached itself to me,
the thread just lingered and my ego ran and played with it.
 

“Really?”

He was inquiring why I had not answered I am sure,
he was frustrated that in his grand attempt to contact everyone in my home to get me to contact him had not worked,
he was upset that he could not control the situation and that I had made a stance to just say no.
 
Our children had not asked to speak to him so I felt no guilt in not speaking tonight.
 
We were busy having fun, connecting and laughing.
We were snuggling.
So why wreck a good moment.
A good memory for his desire to control?
 
Yes, this is the question of the morning.
Why allow him to steal it?
I held firm for my children.
For that moment.
But then I allowed that word, that thread to infiltrate my soul.
I allowed it to poke at me.
And I allowed it to steal the depth of orgasm that I was offered in the night hours with my lover.
 
I pushed myself to open,
I felt pain from doing this.
I shut myself in fear,
fear I would reveal to much.
I got captured by that damn text thread,
over and over again.
 
Into my head,
out of my body.
Away from my deep orgasm.
Keeping it surface.
All the while desiring what I had just tasted 24 hours before.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

F-*-C-K!!!!!!

 
I allowed him to.
Just like I allowed him to control to much of my life in our relationship. Just like I allowed him the power to act the way he did. Just like I allowed myself to stay,
to stay in the enviroment that was not conducive to my purpose,
my heart, my life.
 
YES
 
That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.
But I made the choice to not release,
to breathe in.
To hold him and his energy
instead of leaning in to my lovers thrusts of passion,
my lovers presence,
my bliss.
 
He only messed it up because I allowed it.
And this morning, I sit here witnessing my ego, my pain, my rage, my holding.
 
Here I sit with my body breaking down.
My body screaming at me, “STOP! – Let that shit go!”
 
Here I sit, witnessing that he not only physically hurt me,
controlled me in ways that I was not aware of,
hid his truth from me,
Held anger toward me and lied to my face about it,
He not only did not love me and may have never,
but he continued to punch me in the heart.
He was willing to try and dominate my life,
the children’s life,
through textbook tactics of an abuser.
 
It is shocking to me.
It is on going.
It is healing to see things from this vantage point.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

And I am in gratitude for it.

 
Thank you Mother F*cker for being you and showing me my strength.
Thank you Mother F*cker for showing who you really are so that I could claim whom I am more.
Thank you Mother F*cker for the season, the reason and the blessings that we shared.
Thank you Mother F*cker for coming into my life and being EXACTLY what I needed.
 
With out you, I would not be me.
Empowered.
Guided.
Desiring more.
Certain.
 
Thank you for supporting my determination and drive.
Thank you for your disconnect to your emotions and heart, and showing what that does to a human, to a relationship, to a life and making me aware of where I meet you there and that…
 
I CHOOSE.
I choose to STOP meeting you there.
I choose instead to open up my heart.
To feel my emotions.
To forgive.
To heal.
To laugh.
To connect.
 

I choose to LIVE.

Unbound, free and on purpose.

 
Cut loose from the chains that you tried to hold me with.
Cut loose from the chains that I held myself with.
Cut loose from the fear.
 
YES
I choose.
I choose to…
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Faith To Be F*cked Wide Open

Sadness.

Joy.

Amazement.

Surrender.

I shudder at the thought of the release.

Where will I go from here?

Whom will I become?

My heart is holding so much, I can barely withstand the sensations some days as my mind wonders and I lose myself in thought. The images of times gone past that I long to repeat. I long to hold close to me, knowing that I must let them go. They are no longer my reality. They taught me a deeper level of who I am and who I want to be, but they are no longer with me. Just like I am no longer the person I was yesterday, those realities are no longer here. Life teaches us that you can hold on to nothing. You take nothing with you.

Not into the afterlife, not into the next moment.

Not truly that is.

Sure, we can move forward with all this material stuff. We bring with us, sentimental things as we call the items that we fear to let go of, because we are scared that if we let go of the physical items that somehow our memories will part with them. We carry with us the valuables, those things that we believe that will cost us to much replace or inconvenience us somehow. In truth even these items bear with them some form of attachment to our past realities.

We hold on.

We hold on with all the strength and logic that we can muster.

We hold on with all the ego that we can pretend to ignore.

We hold on with a hope that the realities of yesterday that we loved so much and lost, will come back to us in some magical fashion.

Fearing that they will never.

Knowing that they will never.

Yet we hold on.

Orphans to our past, strangers to our future.

We feel lost in this new paradigm, where we know not what direction to turn, where we feel every choice is wrong. Stepping forward on a path that we have not ever been and that we can not see before us.

Faith.

Faith is all that we need in this time. We know this. We claim to understand it.

It is what all the saints, enlightened ones and masters have told us for thousands of years to lean on. Faith is the key to,

Overcoming our sadness,

Finding our joy,

Awakening to our amazement,

Surrendering to God.

Jesus said all we need is the faith of a mustard seed.

Mustard seeds are effing small.

Have you ever seen a mustard seed?

They are small little brown seeds, one tenth the size of a pea.

That is all the faith we need to move a mountain Jesus claimed. So how do we do this?

My mountains are here before me and they do not appear to be moving, they are steady and strong. Their paths are treacherous and carry with them many changes, much exhaustion, ravenous wolves flock on the paths and chase me, the nights are cold, and the cliffs are steep. The crest that I long to reach is so far before me I cannot not see it.

I cannot picture it.

My map is smudged.

It is written in a language I cannot speak.

I am lost.

I cannot be lost though.

God is guiding me.

This is the pilgrimage of my soul.

The discovery of the me I have longed to meet so many lifetimes ago. Here I am.

Finally, I am meeting me.

I am meeting my soul.

My faith.

Faith of a mustard seed, but faith still. Just like Jesus said, it is all we need. And so that is what I will lean on. The trust that my faith is strong enough to conquer this mountain. Faith enough to meet myself on this pilgrimage and not run from my shadows, not run from my desires, not run from my heart but instead embrace myself.

I need embraced.

My arms are open wide.

My body is ready to receive.

To be penetrated and made love too.

I am ready to surrender.

Here I am in the arms of faith, waiting to be carried on the path,

I long to be carried to my highest point, where I touch the clouds, see the sun beams dancing on snow covered tips of mountains around me. I desire to feel the crisp cool air of a new life that awaits. To breathe it in and allow it to fill me.

Restore me.

Recover my soul.

Faith.

All we need is a little faith.

Faith in me.

Faith in God.

Faith in these shaky leg’s that they will carry me.

Tears may stream down my cheeks, my heart may race, my hand tremble,

Deep down I feel the presence that I crave.

I feel the presence of a Great lover,

It is no lover like I have ever experienced,

It is not a connection of two bodies,

It is not material, physical or superficial.

It is the penetration of my soul.

It is the lover who has always carried me over the thresholds of my existence.

Lifetime after lifetime, this lover is with me.

This lover never leaves me.

This lover is forever f*cking me wide open,

Deeper, softer, harder, longer.

This lover knows me inside and out and devours me.

Drinks in my orgasm as his own.

The rapture he offers me is more than I can share in words.

It is more than my physical body can take in.

It is bliss.

Yes, faith.

All we need is the faith of a mustard seed.

And we can open to a level of our soul,

Revealed in the arms of the greatest lover of our lives.

We can drop our guards and we can surrender.

Here, here is our life.

Our true life.

Sadness.

Joy.

Amazement.

Surrender.

I shudder at the thought of the release.

Where will I go from here?

Whom will I become?

 

 

It is up to me whom I become.

With every breath I breathe me in a little more.

With every stroke of my great lover, I feel me a little bit more.

With every, gaze into the greatness of this life, I see my life unfold.

And I smile.

I smile at the mystery,

At the joy,

At the lessons,

At the tears,

At the rapture.

Open.

Trusting and full of faith.

I am no longer being carried,

I am flying.

Wings open wide.

And you can too.

 

Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

www.kendalwilliams.com

Permission & Commitment for the F*ck YES! Life

 
I am abundant in all things.
I am radiant, on purpose, magnetic and full of joy.
I am perfect just the way I am,
Worthy without explanation.
 
I commit to show up every moment of every day from a deep place vulnerable and centered place in my soul.
 
I commit to surrender to the call of my soul,
to my hearts desire.
Because my hearts desire is God’s desire.
 
I commit to breathe in the abundance and joy of this life.
Fully expressing myself.
Because there is but only one expression of me.
 
I commit to love openly, authentically and fully.
I commit to be unapologetic in all that I do.

 

I give myself full permission to live a F*ck YES! Life.

A life based in freedom.
Based in heart.
Based in flow.
 
I give myself full permission to HAVE IT ALL.
 
I commit to allowing my soul to guide my words, hands, and actions.
 
I commit to being unapologetically me.

Un-f*cking STOPPABLE BadA*s Me!

 
I commit to share my message daily from here.
And attract a tribe that desires and aligns to the same calling.
 
–KW

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

I Unapologetically Want You

Ask, Seek, Knock….

These are outrageous, provocative words. These words ignite and arouse DESIRE.

You know for many years I have heard:

“Kendal, tame it down.”

“Your too open.”

“Watch your language.”

“Don’t do that preachy thing you do.”

“Sex and Spirit can’t co-exist.”

“Life does not ‘work’ like that.”

“You can’t live life like that. You can’t just pray and then let go and live and expect things to JUST manifest. You have to work hard.”

” Are you always this happy?”

And my response since I was  a little girl was F*ck THAT!

So over time, I have learned to tame myself “just a little” bit.  Although the reality is this, GOD wants us to ASK. Wants us to SEEK. Wants us to KNOCK.

We are born of a God that Desires us to DESIRE him and to desire our blessings that he holds pressed down and over flowing for us.   BTW, If you are offended by my using the word God, creator, universe, energy or any applied sex of these terms i.e. male/female, or if you are easily offended by adult language such as f*ck, a*s, bullsh*t, sh*t or any other or the conversation of sex, sexuality, desire, orgasm and how it co-exists and was designed to be part of our human experience, THEN STOP READING NOW and go to someone else’s coaching website. I AM NOT the coach for you! Because I state over and over again – KW Coaching is for Grown A*s Believers!

I look out into the world of today and what I see rampant in society is a people who are lacking the most important, most valuable gifts given. 

DESIRE, BELIEF and  INTEGRITY

Instead we have replaced these gifts with:

Fear, Shame, Apathy, Judgement, Worry, and an acceptance for JUST EXISTING.

We do this in every area of our lives and then we come to God in our spiritual house of choice and we wonder where our desire for him is.

“Why do I feel no enthusiasm to hear the message?”

“Why does spirit not speak to me?”

“Why do good things happen to everyone else?”

“My prayers are not heard.”

” I am not lucky like so and so.”

“Life is hard.”

“Sure God can move mountains, I think?”

“My sex is shameful or a sin.”

“I feel empty and alone.”

I could write 8000 words on how we deny God in our lives EVERY day of our existence. However, I am not going to get on that wagon, instead I am going to state clearly this, ” God wants us to ASK, SEEK and KNOCK. – God wants us to DESIRE. God wants us, Wants YOU to not just exist and believe that living small and in suffering is what the human condition was designed to be about. 

F*ck No!

God desires for YOU to THRIVE. To live Unbound, Out loud and Turned On! – YES, I said that. TURNED ON. God wants you turned on to him, turned on to love, turned on to life, turned on to happiness, turned on to joy, turned on to faith, turned on to your partner, turned on to your purpose, turned on to MIRACLES and BLESSINGS!” 

If you are just existing and believe that desire is a sin, that life is to be tough and that what you are going through is unmovable, then where is your FAITH?

DESIRE + BELIEF = BLESSING

At KW Coaching you are gifted with the opportunity to truly learn about the power of your mind and emotions as well as how to simply apply techniques that will quickly have you living your most DESIRED LIFE!
KW Coaching is FREEDOM Based Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.

And YES I mean BELIEVERS.

Christ Centered, Miracle Focused, Spiritual Based Coaching for anyone who DESIRES to stop existing and START Living the way GOD Intended.
KW Coaching leans on a beautiful blend of biblical teachings, ancient spiritual practices from around the world as well as having roots in A Course In Miracles.
KW Coaching shows you how to show up in your life in consciousness instead of living in a state of sleep or apathy.  KW Coaching shows you how you can be a sexual being as well as a spiritual being.

How you can weave it all together and experience life the way God intended – THRIVING.

No matter what your desire is:

Better relationships, stronger marriage, find love, better sex, finding your life’s work, abundance in wealth, health, success or something else. KW Coaching can show you the simple steps to achieve your DESIRED LIFE.

The Life that YOU WERE born to live.

Release your shame, guilt, trauma, and drama.
Embrace God, Wealth, Health, Success and Sex.

Welcome to FREEDOM Based Living!

Claim it TODAY!

Were the last 5 years ALL that you wanted them to be?

This Sh*t does not change itself.

So STOP Waiting for it too.

ACT NOW.

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living!

 

The Skinny on the “How To”

Holy Sh*t!

You know these moment’s where you just go WTF am I doing?

Yepper’s that has been me this morning.
God most certainly wants me to acknowledge my perceived need that I have to know the HOW before receiving my DESIRE.

I have picked up on my statement of , how twice so far in a conversation about property investment.

I love the idea of the investment property,
I love the idea of the cash flow that it could bring into my life,
I love the idea of venturing out into this land of real-estate investing.

My logical mind though keeps saying, ” Yeah, yeah, that is GREAT! But how?”

Where is the money to invest coming from?
How can you make an offer before you have all your ducks lined up and accounted for?
How can you say, “Yes let’s do this or that, and NOT yet even have any concept as to the HOW?”

WOW!  OMFG!  WOW.

Is this my brain saying that?

I cannot even BELIEVE I am thinking it and having the negative, doubtful thoughts which are creating my emotional response to follow to it,

But ….

I AM.

So, here is the gig…

The whole real-estate thing is neither here nor there in truth. It can effect my household and over all finances and well-being in that area, but it is not my actual passion, focus or desire. It belongs to someone else that I love and care fore and that I support.

Which makes it really bad that I am being the doubting Thomas in my energy and inquiry, but because I feel partly invested into the impact of what it can do for over all family life and I want this person to have success for themselves, my FEAR is creeping up and letting its negative little head be seen and heard.

SO I can say that I am in this state of needing the HOW –
Because I care so much.

EGO.

That is all ego though.
It is not because I care so much, it is not because I of anything other than my program of feeling like like nothing can happen unless you have a plan for it first.

Funny, because this is not how I run my personal life and business.

No, when it comes to what I am working on or setting as an intention, desire or goal, I JUST GO FOR IT.

Or do I?

Here is my epiphany of this morning….

I have trained myself to think that I am JUST GOING FOR IT, without reservation or need to know the HOW, when in fact somewhere inside of me, my ego is flashing me with “How, How, How!”

The how causes constriction in my being through the introduction of doubt and possible failure.

The how causes resistance to my desired life and outcomes by bluntly saying, “You ain’t gotta freakin’ clue as to the how, so how is it to ever work?”

The how rests itself up on a pedestal and looks down at me and assures me that if I were worthy, then I would KNOW the HOW.

Well, F*CK!!!!!

Now the TRUTH is much different.
The truth smiles and says, “You got this because you are f*cking Bada*s!”

The truth say’s lean in and breath in your desires, your wants and your hopes, they are placed within your heart to be not just chased but received, God put them there for your taking.

The truth get’s itself up under our bums and PUSHES US UP, so that we can meet and match our desires and get ready to open to more blessing.

The challenge is that we are scared of our GREATNESS.

The challenge is that we for more comfort in remaining lost then we do in stepping into our soul calling.

When we face the expression that our soul wants and needs to let be seen, to let shine, it requires us to FEEL.

And feeling is scary, so we say that to feel is to be weak.
We destroy our feelings by covering them with medications, alcohol, addictions of all sorts including work and religion.

And then we ASK,
“Where is my path?”

We say,
” I just feel so lost, so unconnected, disillusioned and empty.”

In order to come back to soul though we have to STOP RESISTING what is right within ourselves.

The message of heart.
The message of emotion.

Or we resign ourselves to ignoring our feelings and emotions and REMAIN a lost soul in this thing called life that we are refusing to LIVE.

So yes, my epiphany for today is just this…

I am guilt of buying the bullsh*t of my ego and still thinking I need the HOW before I step fully into my purpose.

Step fully into my radiance.
Step fully into my light.
Step fully into me soul calling
Step fully into being the BadA*s that I know I can be and that God is waiting for me to Step Into.

I am sharing this intimacy with you.
I am sharing that I am often scared to SAY YES to myself.
Scared to SAY YES to my soul calling.
To my heart.
And LISTEN.
Listen to my emotions, my feelings and to that soft voice deep inside.

You know the one.
the one that you try and bury,
but it will not go away.
The one that keeps sharing your desires.
Keeps sharing your purpose.
Keeps nudging you to Be-DO-Have more!

YES.

You know the one.

I COMMIT to be my BadA*s from here on out.

Do You?

Remember,
Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.