The sky was coming down on me.
There I lay,
thrown out on the cold, damp grass…
Staring up into the heavens,
the full moon casting its light down on me as though it was encouraging my breakdown.
I felt the earth beneath my body,
firm and cold to my plea,
my plea of not being enough.
This life that I have created,
this life that I love so deeply,
with all of its souls,
all the adventure,
all of the beauty.
Many days I feel that I am not good enough for this life.
I question why God has been so good to me?
Why do I keep reaping blessings,
why do people share such deep love with me,
Why do they value me so?
Don’t they see…
Don’t they see the human that I am.
The girl who still feels that she is not enough.
That pigeon toed wallflower who is lost in this thing called life?
Don’t they see that I fear myself.
I fear my messages.
I fear the spirit that moves through me,
that provides me such intensity at times.
I fear my heart.
That it may be wrong in its judgement,
it may guide me to loss and pain.
I fear that it was my heart that caused all of the pain,
and I know differently.
I know that the pain,
is all based in my desire to control the outcome of my life.
I know that my heart which speaks from the place of deep understanding of soul,
It does not judge.
It knows it truth,
and it just asks that I listen.
But I find on some days I cannot hear it for all the chaos that this beautiful life of mine has in it.
I cannot make out who I am on some days,
for who I am trying to be for everyone else.
And in this,
I become lost.
Just as you.
I snuggle into my humanness,
and I hold myself strong to the course that my head,
that my ego and all of society would tell me to be right and true.
And then in my final moments,
before I LET GO….
I find myself fighting to not drop to my knees,
to not lean in to this call.
This call that is so overpowering,
so enticing and juicy.
This call that I know if I let it pull me will guide me to all that I have wanted.
But I resist just a moment more.
I harden myself to all that I feel,
I toughen up like I have been told,
and I smile though I want to weep.
I say yes when I should say no.
I resist my truth yet some more.
As though it is helping me.
As though this will make me happy,
and solve my worlds problems.
Oh how funny we humans are.
How silly we are to run from all that we want,
all the while claiming we are pushing toward it.
We can not see our path,
as it lays out with each blind step that we take,
we cannot see it,
but if we learn to LET GO,
we can feel it.
It moves through us,
it moves us with each breath,
and those who choose to drop to their knees,
to lean into the call,
and allow our hearts to be seen,
if only for that flicker in time,
we grasp vision from the heavens above,
and we move.
But what you may not want to see,
is the mess,
the mess of this dropping.
The mess of letting go,
it may appear that one is falling apart,
trembling and lost more than ever before,
but this is a moment of expansion.
And a moment of revealing.
A moment where the heart leads.
There are no breakdowns,
But we must allow them to be seen.
As we allow our hearts the same,
and through this process of shattering,
we transform who we are into who we were born to be.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Feel like you are lost and falling apart at the seams?
Like you have been working so hard for the life that you want,
but it still is not before you.
Let’s chat! Let’s get you cracked open and expanded so that YOU can call it in NOW.
Reach out to me about deet’s on 1:1 coaching and group now.