GO IN EASE – RESISTANCE IN FUTILE.

GO IN EASE – RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
 
You hold on for dear life.
You know that you just need to let go,
you know how important it is to your whole future,
to your success, your love, your happiness, your fulfillment.
And yet you find yourself white knuckling everything.
Holding on with a fierce grip to everything that you know at your core is holding you back, preventing you from living life fulling out loud and unapologetic the way that SOUL demands of you.
You ponder the questions,
you look deep within, and you sit and analyze.
In all your questioning you find yourself even more lost then when you got started. And to make matters even worse you also can now see your fault in everything.
You can see how you are the cause for your suffering.
You pain, your lack of not having. It is in no one else’s hands but your very own and you see it clearly. But, still do not know how to let go.
 
And so you blame.
You feel shame for the things that you are causing,
that you are allowing, and for how you are not stepping fully the f-ck into your life.
You feel guilt for letting those you love down,
and have trouble looking yourself in the eye’s in the morning.
You want to run, you desire to hide.
You have thoughts of quitting.
You feel as though everything you touch turns to crap.
And yet still you hold onto everything you have with gusto.
 
The more you squeeze the life out of your dreams and goals,
the more you try and force them to manifest.
You dig in deeper,
you root your heals into the earth and you proclaim that you will work harder, show up more often, try new things, refocus your energy this way or that.
You feel the call at your core to simply LET GO.
You know that this can all be dealt with in no time flat.
Miracles are at your door step asking to be received,
but you turn them away because YOU MUST WORK FOR THIS THING. YOU MUST EARN IT.
 
You hear the words of ease and flow.
You believe it for everyone but YOU.
You see it working.
But you cave to your addiction of looking for the results and applying all your focus on what is not showing up.
Only turn inward and get angry, upset and depressed at your actions, at what you are causing.
 
This is all your fault and you know it at your core.
 
Those negative thoughts,
that doubt and fear.
They yell at you in the damnedest of times,
it’s hard to laugh, to play, to enjoy.
It difficult to enjoy the connection, the love, the support.
You see it.
You are grateful for it.
But it is fleeting.
Much like your faith in yourself.
But what is strong is your disgust.
Your anger and fear.
These negative emotions they know how to comfort you.
They support you,
or so it feels.
And you lay down with them and curl up in their arms.
Promising yourself that you will stop doing this.
Assuring yourself that you will do the damn thing that you know that you MUST DO, to have the life that is calling to you.
 
Your SOUL is crying out.
And you feel even more lost,
even in the comfort of this suffering you know that you are lost. You know that it is not suppose to be this hard.
You know that the challenge is self-created.
 
And to LET GO is the only thing that you must do.
In letting go, you will discover all your power, you will commit to who you truly are.
Here you will discover your natural way,
and get caught in the currents of abundance and love.
You will have no resistance,
because you have FINALLY chosen what you have always known and finally done the damn thing that has been calling to you.
 
It is this moment.
It is this moment where you find yourself on your knees,
your eye’s are welled up with tears and your hands are open wide.
Here you are FINALLY READY to be READY to receive.
And God desires to open the heavens to you beautiful.
 
Your first step to this SURRENDER is to go in ease with yourself.
 
Realize that you are human,
that you have an ego,
that you are learning how these moments,
like all moments are opportunities to know yourself better,
to heal deeper and to open wider.
The first step to your path has always been,
and will always remain the same,
BE IN EASE.
 
The ease of embracing yourself.
The ease of surrendering to your flow.
The ease of opening and receiving.
The ease of accepting that this too shall pass.
The ease of NOT making mountains out of mole hills.
The ease of just BEING YOU.
 
Let go in EASE Beautiful.
Let go and let your SOUL move you to your next step.
Let SOUL bring you to the path that will have the least amount of resistance.
Let go and watch the miracles form.
 
Let go of that death grip that YOU have on your heart and soul. On your dreams and goals.
On your abundance.
Your joy.
 
You ,
yes you are smothering yourself.
And ONLY YOU can let go.
But you must do it in EASE.
Have compassion beautiful for yourself.
Give love to yourself for walking the journey that you have.
 
You are YOU because of the steps that you have walked.
Appreciate each and every one.
And LET GO.
God has your back.
 
As Always
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
It’s time that you start to say YES to the most important person in the room beautiful.
It’s time that you accept your worth,
and step onto this path that your SOUL is calling you too.
I know how hard the steps may appear.
I know that you are fearful,
that you doubt if you have what it takes to make this shiz happen for you or not.
But I promise you that YOU can do it.
You can have it.The first step though is to recognize that you must let go and have faith in your process of getting there.
Listen to your SOUL and follow it’s lead.
Imagine having a coach who has been on a similar path guide you, help you discover the deeper meanings of what soul is wanting you to know.
What would it feel like to have that sort of support and guidance?
You can have this.
Message me for deet’s on 1:1 Private mentoring and coaching today.

Don’t Use Your Alignment As Your Excuse.

It’s all about alignment they say.
It’s all about just saying yes to the things that make you feel good, they say.
It’s all about flow, the law of attraction and the vortex they say.
 
Listen to your soul.
Listen to your heart.
And blessings will abound.
 
Yeah, yeah, f-cking yeah!
 
Okay folks,
you all know that I preach the same thing that leader and visionaries,
game changers, guru’s and greats have preached for ever.
 
There is no f-cking secret.
The secret is that we are responsible 💯% for the way our life manifests.
 
Yes there is the SECRET!
But we don’t like taking that sorta responsibility,
do we?
 
No.
We don’t.
I sure the f-ck have an issue with this wake up call,
like every damn morning,
and sometimes and noon and bedtime too.
Sh*t I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes,
freaking out about stuff.
 
Wondering why this is happening?
How am I going to get through it?
And what did I do to deserve such crap?
 
And THEN….
then I get smacked by spirit. 👊✝️🕉️✡️☯️💥👀
And I realize that I am laying there freaking out about stuff that I have no control over,
stuff that is other people’s business,
or stuff that more than likely will never happen.
 
All I am doing is increasing the odd’s of it happening because I am setting a tone in my thinking and feeling,
I am loosing sleep,
over crap.
 
And so I am aligning myself to a bad day.
And crap on the horizon.
 
or……………
 
What about we only do everything that is in alignment to ourselves.
 
What about,
we “pray” about it.
“Meditate” on it,
and “feel” into it.
 
To make sure that it aligns with us fully.
 
Yes, that is what we need to do to feel good,
have success, and get into flow.
 
This is where we manifest our greatness.
Yes!
 
Yes,
this is the answer.
After all….
 
This is what all the who’s who of flow, greatness and abundance do and always have known to work and be true.
 
RIGHT?
 
Yes.
 
So ya’ know what?
Putting my head down at 12:15am to write that article post that I do daily and missed the the time or focus to write the twelve hours prior, but don’t really feel like writing now either, I should skip till tomorrow.
 
Sitting down and putting together those course training pages after a stressful day of running around, dealing with drama, and feeling a little under the weather, sure does not feel in alignment with me right now either, so SKIP.
 
Doing that follow- up work with possible clients, researching a condition that I have never heard of but have a client with, figuring out new systems for my website, or writing that promotional email or page, just seem’s like too much right now. I sorta feel like I just don’t have the motivation, or the creative flow to do it….
I mean I want it to be in flow,
so I need to wait till I feel like I am in flow,
in alignment so that it comes together right,
and that is not right now,
so SKIP.
 
Man, I am so effing tired and sore,
no time for anything.
Exhausted. Feel like crap.
I sure don’t have time for yoga class today or that walk.
It won’t hurt if I take a day off.
SKIP.
 
Oh baby, I love you.
Oh baby, you complete me.
Oh baby, you are so perfect.
Fast forward 18 months…. 5 years… or what have you.
I just think we are no longer in alignment.
I mean, I know that she/he is still the same person of yesteryear, and we said that our dreams and goals were this, but I have now found myself and I know that you are not in alignment to me anymore.
Oh you want to talk,
you want to work on the relationship,
you are willing to change, grow,
sorry I am not in alignment to it.
BYE.
 
Get where I am going with this alignment idea?
 
Here is the reality,
the reality is that we tend to use alignment as an excuse to get out of the things that we don’t want to do.
 
Isn’t it funny that when we REALLY don’t want to do something,
when we REALLY feel lazy,
when we REALLY just want out of a situation,
that God/Spirit ALWAYS answers us with
 
that’s not in alignment,
 
when we pray or meditate on it.
when we feel into it.
 
OMFG!!!!
 
Really.
Just grow a f-cking pair and say that you don’t want too.
Don’t use God/spirit and alignment as your f-cking excuse
 
If you want to be in alignment and have all the wonders of your heart,
then one of the first things you need to achieve is to be in integrity with who you are, what you want, what your boundaries are, what your desire is, and where the f-ck your VOICE is located.
 
That is what God gave you a voice for.
To speak your TRUTH.
 
No matter what anyone else thinks about it,
when you stand strong in your needs, desires, and heart,
when you stand in authentic integrity with yourself
and with others,
then guess what?
 
Yep you nailed it.
 
Then you are in ALIGNMENT.
And you will align to your abundant life.
You will align to your blessings.
 
Anything else is a lie.
 
So it is your choice,
stay average and ordinary,
and speak lie’s to avoid your own fear of rejection and pain,
or
speak from your soul’s alignment,
which mean’s…..
 
BE TRUTHFUL.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
www.kendalwilliams.com
 
PS
Real Estate Agents, Coaches, Massage Therapists, Yoga Instructors, Speakers, Educators,Practitioners, MLM Peep’s, On- Line Sales, Crafters, or anyone who is helping someone else…. THIS IS FOR YOU!
Wish you could start the new year being your own boss?
Wish you could figure out a side hustle that made you good part time money and was something that you enjoyed?
Want to know where to start?
With YOUR biz?
 
Let me show you what I have learned from the last two decades of being my own boss.
 
Take your business from where ever you are at,
even if you have not started yet,
to making $100k quickly.
 
These are the steps that you need to master your BOSS-HOOD!
 
Preliminary work has already been added.
LIVE training starts Sunday.
You can take this class from anywhere in the world to boot.
 

Money, Money, Money! Are You In Alignment to It?

Money, Money, Money!

We love it.
We hate it.
We want more of it.
We are shamed by it.
We don’t understand it.
We desire it.
We are told it is the root of all evil.
We are told that we are bad if we have too much,
or not enough.
It’s how we support our lives,
the people we care about.
It brings us pleasure.
It causes us pain and stress.

The money saga is real.

You know what I speak of today.
I remember all too vividly the days of waking up,
praying that my power was still on, because I was uncertain that there was enough money to clear the debit in my account.
Raising five children and trying to stretch a couple hundred books on food for the month.
The school would send home science fair project material,
or book fair announcements, have my child all hyper about some new book – THAT I COULD NOT AFFORD.

I remember the days of needing to borrow from parents,
friends and anyone that would loan.

The creditors calling what seemed like 24/7.
All yelping for something that I never seemed to have enough of,
and could not get more of.
As quickly as life demanded it.

The countless moves.
Upheavals in life.
And EXCUSES.

Excuses because of the shame.
The shame that we did not have enough.
That we were always broke.
That I had to even borrow from my children’s babysitting stash.

Excuses, based in shame.
Yes those days.
Those days of bankruptcy, frustration, fear and overwhelm.

You know what I learned from those days?
I learned to live according t o my souls desire.
To get my ass in alignment to what my soul wanted instead of trying to make money.

Have you noticed that the more you do something JUST to make money that the more you don’t really enjoy it, or life.
And then suddenly, the money slows down or even stops flowing?

Or something astronomical happens.
Something that you can’t afford,
that will break the bank to what you have,
and give you another REASON as to WHY you don’t have.

Have you noticed that?
I sure have.

When I am out of alignment.
When I am not living in my joy,
not looking for the blessings with enthusiasm and exception,
then money basically say eff you.
And does not show up with ease any longer.

When I step into my soul’s alignment,
and simply surrender to it.
Enjoy my day,
My life,
and the process of creating the opportunities to enjoy flow,
when I look for my blessings,
with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning,
and share of them freely,
not worrying about the bottom lines,
and just having certainty in the process,
in the alignment,
in the joy,
then money flows through me with ease and plenitude.

When we hold shame or guilt around our money,
we restrict it from coming to us,
we prevent our natural flow of abundance.

When we focus on how much we need money,
we restrict the flow of it as well.

When we say such things as,
” I never have enough.”
” I can’t seem to get a head.”
“Money is coming.”
“I want to make $$$$ amount in the next 6 months.”

We push money away from us.
The same is true with anything that we want to manifest into our lives.

When we act from a place of not having,
and we think thoughts of not having,
or that its coming but it’s no currently here,
or we feel into our moment from a place of scarcity,
we continue to not have.
We restrict it from coming into our lives.

Money.
We need it.
We want it.
We feel bad about it.

It’s the programs that we grew up with,
that were set in us to make us ‘good’ people.
That cause us so many issues.
These programs of,
money don’t grow on tree’s,
Money is the root of all evil,
Money is hard to come by.
etc.
etc.
What they were meant to teach was,
respect money,
in the wrong hands, money can support the wrong things,
have a good work ethic,
don’t waist.

But these same statements have lead to your lack as well.
Creating a belief structure around your money that tells you that you cannot have easily,
that if you love it you are bad,
and many other things.

None of which are true.

Money is nothing more than a physical manifestation of energy.
It is an energy based currency.
Based not on what kind of person you are or you are not,
but based on if you believe that you are abundant in it.

That is really it.
It is that simple.

What is your expectation around money?
Around you having it or not?

If you believe that you are abundant than you are.
If you think you believe you are abundant, but are always proclaiming that it is not yet there, then you will not have it.
If you believe that you are living pay check to pay check then that is what you will live.

You make up the flow by your beliefs.

Your world is the manifestation of those beliefs.

Want to know how to break through the stinking thinking around your money? Around your abundance and joy?
And call in more of the good stuff with ease?

Let me help you.
Check out my F-ck Yes Lifestyle Mentorships and Private 1+1 Coaching TODAY.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
www.kendalwilliams.com

PS
Real Estate Agents, Coaches, Massage Therapists, Yoga Instructors, Speakers, Educators,Practitioners, MLM Peep’s, On- Line Sales, Crafters, or anyone who is helping someone else…. THIS IS FOR YOU!
Wish you could start the new year being your own boss?
Wish you could figure out a side hustle that made you good part time money and was something that you enjoyed?
Want to know where to start?
With YOUR biz?

Let me show you what I have learned from the last two decades of being my own boss.

Take your business from where ever you are at,
even if you have not started yet,
to making $100k quickly.

These are the steps that you need to master your BOSS-HOOD!

Preliminary work has already been added.
LIVE training starts Sunday.
You can take this class from anywhere in the world to boot.

REGISTER NOW!!

THIS is the THING that will prevent you from having it all.

The reason you will never have the relationships,
the lifestyle, the money or anything else that you really want is because your f-cking scared to death to call it in.
 
to ask for it.
To set the stage for it.
Your f-cking scared to death,
that if you actually just let it rip,
that the world would run away from you and that you would loose all that you have,
and having what you have is better than not having anything at all,
even though it is a long shot from what your soul desires.
 
 

Isn’t that right Baby?

 
So you sit there in your suffering.
In your fear of making changes,
taking steps,
and sharing your heart and soul.
 
 
The comforts of your dis-satisfaction and smallness with life,
is something that you cannot seem to let go of.
 
And THIS,
 

This is the THING,

that will will prevent you every God damn day from having what you really want in your:
 
Finances
Career
Relationships
Sex
Health
Lifestyle
Faith
 
 
This morning I sat down to checked into my email, like I do every morning around 10am. My phone had been popping off with text messages from five old lovers and I questioned what the heck was going on in my energy to call in all this attention from relationships of the past.
 
I questioned if I was stepping down in my vibe?
I questioned if I was feeling un-seen, unloved or something else?
Was I simply needing attention?
Or was I getting so TURNED ON TO LIFE that my vibe was magnetizing and calling in those who desired the turn on as well?
Who need the feminine creative flow and surrender to take them to that level of depth within themselves to manifest a life that they want more than what they have within the comforts of the now.
 
As I have been sitting here analyzing these messages,
these men, and all the emotion and feelings that come up for me, I see many things.
 
To start with my judgments.
My fears.
My patterns.
My love that I hold for each of them still today.
 
And all of these things play a role in my lessons.
And in who I have become.
In gratitude and with the help of each of these gentlemen.
 
SO as I sit here and look at what the potential message is,
I see that there are some factors to what I am needing in my current life that these men could fill for me,
 
However, the question comes,
Do I open an old door that did not work back then and try again or do I keep it shut?
 
It comes down to my current needs, desires and boundaries.
In this particular case I will focus in on my boundaries as boundaries are something that MUST be developed, reevaluated and adjusted often. What is a boundary in one case may not be in another and as we learn and grow,
as we come more into who we really are and get into greater alignment with our soul,
 
our boundaries change.
 
Boundaries are part of CALLING IN what we want into our lives.
 
Without healthy boundaries, we never gain the life that we really want. Instead we push it away from us in one way or another.
 
You know what I am speaking of,
Don’t you?
 
You are a doormat.
The go to person, who never feels appreciated,
just used.
 
This is boundary issue.
 
You are the center of attention, always.
You have no space.
You are fearful of saying no,
for whatever reason.
So you are fatigued and worn out emotionally, mentally and physically.
 
This is a boundary issue.
 
You feel alone.
You look around you and you have no real relationships.
You hate people, because in your view, “they are all stupid.”
So you sacrifice relationship for the most part to avoid the drama of others.
 
This is a boundary issue.
 
If it is going to be, it is up to me.
You cannot rely on anyone but yourself.
You don’t even want to.
So you keep things nice and tidy,
limited relationships, outings or anything.
And you play within your own means,
never asking for shit.
 
This is a boundary issue.
 
You expect that others should just do/act/love/need as you do.
You think that by always doing what is needed for another,
always making yourself available,
and being a yes, is good.
will get you what you want.
 
This is a boundary issue.
 
You don’t think that boundaries are that important.
You think that others need to just relax and chill.
Stop being so serious.
And you don’t see yourself over stepping,
getting shocked when someone claims you did.
 
This is a boundary issue.
 
To name a few.
 
We are all in need of understanding our boundaries and learning how to play within the multiple relationships of our lives, boundaries as well.
 
But the tale of today,
is to make you aware that BOUNDARIES are a vital part of your manifestation process.
 
It is important for you to explore what you are needing, wanting and feel good about in any given situation.
 
And here is the real kicker….
 
If you feel uncertain,
negative,
like you want to say no,
have fear, doubt or some other ill sensation or emotion,
then what you need to get right with is this:
 

THAT IS YOUR SOUL SAYING F-CK NO!!!!!

So Listen Damn It.

 
If you want to create that #freedombasedlife that #fuckyeslifestlye then you have to HONOR your boundaries.
 
You will NEVER call in what you want to manifest.
You will NEVER vibrate at the frequency that you want or need to have the life that you desire, as long as you are saying yes when you are actually a
 

F-CK NO!!!!

 
What will I do with these five old lovers?
I will listen to my soul.
 
That is what I will do.
Each man presents a different boundary to set,
to feel into,
to learn more about myself with.
 
Each man is here offering me an opportunity to get deeper into SOUL ALIGNMENT.
 
And so I will.
That is what I will do.
 
How about you?
What will you do with the boundary lessons offered you today?
 

And as always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join me in October for 5 weeks of transformation,
where YOU Claim Your LIFE in 2018 Once and For All.
Message me for details….
or

How to attain true success.

You want to know the secret to your SUCCESS?

It is the same as the secret to my success,
or anyone’s success.

I am not speaking about the sort of success that is just about material items, although we love a nice house and car.
We all want the finer things in life, or at least those things that we crave, enjoy and make us feel a certain way. Provide us with the comforts that we desire.

Success is more than that.
A truly successful life is about feeling good about every aspect of your life even if it is not ideal in the moment you know that it is part of your harmonic flow. You see its vital impact on moving you toward your deeper self.

Notice I said deeper self not next level self.

True success,
is about having all of the material things you desire but also the relationships that you want. The connections to others that open you further and further and help you connect even more to who you truly are.

True success,
is about accessing the feelings and thoughts that keep you in your harmonic flow and recognizing them, being in gratitude for them, and focusing in on allowing more of them to manifest into your life.

True success,
Is about….

are you ready?

% Soul Connection!

This is where you become the alchemist of your life.

This is how you command down the blessings that you know at your core that are yours.

This is how you fully step into your worthiness.

But you have to clear out ANYTHING that does not align to your Soul Connection.

And here is where us humans run into our resistance.
It can be referred to as “fear of success” or “self sabotage”
because it is both of those things.

It is one of the most difficult things to do because it requires us to face the reality of what our soul wants. It means that we have to become selfish. That we have to CLAIM our lives in full and without doubt of the future or loss.

It means that we must step fully onto the soul path and become that soul crusader where we learn ONLY TO SAY YES to our soul and have the courage, stamina and strength of heart to say no to all other calls that our world will try and enforce on us. This means that we will find ourselves in positions where we must break hearts, not show up the way others may expect or require for a relationship, and that we may have to even say goodbye to people, ways, systems and patterns that we have enjoyed but no longer serve our soul path.

Most people choose to stick with what has been.
Most people choose to stick with old relationships,
patterns, habits, feelings and comforts.

All the while “wishing” for something more because they feel the emptiness,
the lostness, of what they could be, do, have
if they just listened to soul and got in alignment to that.

But that would require a fierce connection to soul,
where hesitation to make changes did not exist or could quickly be overcome.

That would require a love for self-
and a self-worth that most do not posses.

This is why a true soul crusader is hard o find.
This is why it is the .01% of people who actually have TRUE SUCCESS in life.

Who die without or at least limited regret.
Who can say that they followed their hearts
feel like they are connected to the divine,
and living on purpose.

Is this you?
Is this what you crave?
DO you feel a warmth in your core,
a desire in your inner most being?

Does your heart tighten at the fear that you may let this life,
this precious gift that you have been given slip by without fully SAYING YES to your SOUL?

To God’s call on your life?

Then STOP saying no.
You were born for greatness baby.

It is all about you.
It always has been.
You are the center of your world and you are the ONLY ONE
who can CLAIM YOUR LIFE.

Stop Existing & Start Living
Join me in October for 5 weeks of transformation,
where YOU Claim Your LIFE in 2018 Once and For All.
Message me for details….
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Mother F*cker Messed Up My Orgasm.

 
I sit here this morning not wanting to open up my text thread with my ex.
The negativity,
the control,
the anger that comes from it,
and that I feel inside just at reading the last words on the thread.
 
“Really?”
 
I already know the tone.
The comments and commands.
I feel disgust at this thread.
 
Late last night I saw his final words,
they hit me like lead in my gut,
Sorrow,
Distrust,
Bitterness,
Anger.
 
It is all here.
Stepping away from an enviroment,
a relationship for a few weeks or months
 

“Really”

 
does show you a person’s truth.
While in the relationship we make excuses,
get caught up in the day to day,
and simply just don’t want change.
We don’t want to have a relationship fail.
We want to make it work.
We want to be accepted, loved and connected.
Even at the cost of our well-being,
Our happiness,
Joy,
Health and freedom.
 
SO we ignore,
hide, ‘cover that shit up and act like it is not there.
 
Truth never stays hidden forever though.
A person’s true color’s ALWAYS come out.
And in my saga, the color’s are not so pretty in this relationship.
 
The truth of the reality is that I masked from myself my partners need to control and dominate. I knew he was an alpha personality walking in, and loved that about him. His strength and ability to hold boundaries was attractive. His assertiveness and masculine power was what I needed and desired. I needed the security of this. I needed the foundation of this. I also loved his calm, cool, collected stance. I loved his seemingly open mindedness and playfulness. He offered what I needed in the moment.
 
It was a season.
There was a reason.
 
Now those were gone.
Now I am left with the flip side.
The control freak, the aggressor, the one who when he does not get his way acts like a 3 year old and retracts himself, his love and says, ” I hate you.” Takes his ball and goes home.
 
Now I am left with his need to try and control me through our children. I wonder if he even notices it, if he is aware of his pattern’s, his actions or if he is just playing the role that is comfortable to him and feel’s safe.
 
Now I am left with the residue of his energy as it wafts through the text message, the facetime, the phone calls and emails.
 
Now I am left with him just ignoring anything he does not want to discuss because of the discomfort and his knowing that it will be emotional and I will speak my truth and he can do nothing to stop it.
 
Now I am left with him proving what his priorities are.
His bottom line is focused on his bank account and not on relationship.
His priority is to pretend that none of his actions had anything to do with anything.
His priority is to run and hide behind his masks, not seeing that he is turning into his worst nightmare. The people he always claimed he did not want to be like he is now mimicking them. He is now becoming the one’s that have since passed and he is honoring the patterns that they taught him as a little boy. He is now honoring a closed heart, a barren soul, a disconnected life.
 
In his desire to control, he does nothing more than share his rage and hatred. His fear.
 

But none of this is reason for him to steal my orgasm.

 
No, that is on me.
 
But I want to cast blame onto him.
I want to point the finger and say he did this to me.
 
Yes, this morning I sit here not wanting to open this thread of text messages between us because I feel all of it.
 
Last night, I did not open it in hopes to avoid it.
I wanted to avoid the negativity of his control.
I wanted to avoid looking at him on facetime with our nightly call for our kids.
I wanted to just not feel him for just one night, one day.
I wanted the freedom that flickers through my days.
I wanted to breathe.
 
But that last statement attached itself to me,
the thread just lingered and my ego ran and played with it.
 

“Really?”

He was inquiring why I had not answered I am sure,
he was frustrated that in his grand attempt to contact everyone in my home to get me to contact him had not worked,
he was upset that he could not control the situation and that I had made a stance to just say no.
 
Our children had not asked to speak to him so I felt no guilt in not speaking tonight.
 
We were busy having fun, connecting and laughing.
We were snuggling.
So why wreck a good moment.
A good memory for his desire to control?
 
Yes, this is the question of the morning.
Why allow him to steal it?
I held firm for my children.
For that moment.
But then I allowed that word, that thread to infiltrate my soul.
I allowed it to poke at me.
And I allowed it to steal the depth of orgasm that I was offered in the night hours with my lover.
 
I pushed myself to open,
I felt pain from doing this.
I shut myself in fear,
fear I would reveal to much.
I got captured by that damn text thread,
over and over again.
 
Into my head,
out of my body.
Away from my deep orgasm.
Keeping it surface.
All the while desiring what I had just tasted 24 hours before.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

F-*-C-K!!!!!!

 
I allowed him to.
Just like I allowed him to control to much of my life in our relationship. Just like I allowed him the power to act the way he did. Just like I allowed myself to stay,
to stay in the enviroment that was not conducive to my purpose,
my heart, my life.
 
YES
 
That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.
But I made the choice to not release,
to breathe in.
To hold him and his energy
instead of leaning in to my lovers thrusts of passion,
my lovers presence,
my bliss.
 
He only messed it up because I allowed it.
And this morning, I sit here witnessing my ego, my pain, my rage, my holding.
 
Here I sit with my body breaking down.
My body screaming at me, “STOP! – Let that shit go!”
 
Here I sit, witnessing that he not only physically hurt me,
controlled me in ways that I was not aware of,
hid his truth from me,
Held anger toward me and lied to my face about it,
He not only did not love me and may have never,
but he continued to punch me in the heart.
He was willing to try and dominate my life,
the children’s life,
through textbook tactics of an abuser.
 
It is shocking to me.
It is on going.
It is healing to see things from this vantage point.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

And I am in gratitude for it.

 
Thank you Mother F*cker for being you and showing me my strength.
Thank you Mother F*cker for showing who you really are so that I could claim whom I am more.
Thank you Mother F*cker for the season, the reason and the blessings that we shared.
Thank you Mother F*cker for coming into my life and being EXACTLY what I needed.
 
With out you, I would not be me.
Empowered.
Guided.
Desiring more.
Certain.
 
Thank you for supporting my determination and drive.
Thank you for your disconnect to your emotions and heart, and showing what that does to a human, to a relationship, to a life and making me aware of where I meet you there and that…
 
I CHOOSE.
I choose to STOP meeting you there.
I choose instead to open up my heart.
To feel my emotions.
To forgive.
To heal.
To laugh.
To connect.
 

I choose to LIVE.

Unbound, free and on purpose.

 
Cut loose from the chains that you tried to hold me with.
Cut loose from the chains that I held myself with.
Cut loose from the fear.
 
YES
I choose.
I choose to…
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

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