I shudder at the thought of the release.
Where will I go from here?
Whom will I become?
My heart is holding so much, I can barely withstand the sensations some days as my mind wonders and I lose myself in thought. The images of times gone past that I long to repeat. I long to hold close to me, knowing that I must let them go. They are no longer my reality. They taught me a deeper level of who I am and who I want to be, but they are no longer with me. Just like I am no longer the person I was yesterday, those realities are no longer here. Life teaches us that you can hold on to nothing. You take nothing with you.
Not into the afterlife, not into the next moment.
Not truly that is.
Sure, we can move forward with all this material stuff. We bring with us, sentimental things as we call the items that we fear to let go of, because we are scared that if we let go of the physical items that somehow our memories will part with them. We carry with us the valuables, those things that we believe that will cost us to much replace or inconvenience us somehow. In truth even these items bear with them some form of attachment to our past realities.
We hold on.
We hold on with all the strength and logic that we can muster.
We hold on with all the ego that we can pretend to ignore.
We hold on with a hope that the realities of yesterday that we loved so much and lost, will come back to us in some magical fashion.
Fearing that they will never.
Knowing that they will never.
Yet we hold on.
Orphans to our past, strangers to our future.
We feel lost in this new paradigm, where we know not what direction to turn, where we feel every choice is wrong. Stepping forward on a path that we have not ever been and that we can not see before us.
Faith is all that we need in this time. We know this. We claim to understand it.
It is what all the saints, enlightened ones and masters have told us for thousands of years to lean on. Faith is the key to,
Overcoming our sadness,
Finding our joy,
Awakening to our amazement,
Surrendering to God.
Jesus said all we need is the faith of a mustard seed.
Mustard seeds are effing small.
Have you ever seen a mustard seed?
They are small little brown seeds, one tenth the size of a pea.
That is all the faith we need to move a mountain Jesus claimed. So how do we do this?
My mountains are here before me and they do not appear to be moving, they are steady and strong. Their paths are treacherous and carry with them many changes, much exhaustion, ravenous wolves flock on the paths and chase me, the nights are cold, and the cliffs are steep. The crest that I long to reach is so far before me I cannot not see it.
I cannot picture it.
My map is smudged.
It is written in a language I cannot speak.
I am lost.
I cannot be lost though.
God is guiding me.
This is the pilgrimage of my soul.
The discovery of the me I have longed to meet so many lifetimes ago. Here I am.
Finally, I am meeting me.
I am meeting my soul.
Faith of a mustard seed, but faith still. Just like Jesus said, it is all we need. And so that is what I will lean on. The trust that my faith is strong enough to conquer this mountain. Faith enough to meet myself on this pilgrimage and not run from my shadows, not run from my desires, not run from my heart but instead embrace myself.
I need embraced.
My arms are open wide.
My body is ready to receive.
To be penetrated and made love too.
I am ready to surrender.
Here I am in the arms of faith, waiting to be carried on the path,
I long to be carried to my highest point, where I touch the clouds, see the sun beams dancing on snow covered tips of mountains around me. I desire to feel the crisp cool air of a new life that awaits. To breathe it in and allow it to fill me.
Recover my soul.
All we need is a little faith.
Faith in me.
Faith in God.
Faith in these shaky leg’s that they will carry me.
Tears may stream down my cheeks, my heart may race, my hand tremble,
Deep down I feel the presence that I crave.
I feel the presence of a Great lover,
It is no lover like I have ever experienced,
It is not a connection of two bodies,
It is not material, physical or superficial.
It is the penetration of my soul.
It is the lover who has always carried me over the thresholds of my existence.
Lifetime after lifetime, this lover is with me.
This lover never leaves me.
This lover is forever f*cking me wide open,
Deeper, softer, harder, longer.
This lover knows me inside and out and devours me.
Drinks in my orgasm as his own.
The rapture he offers me is more than I can share in words.
It is more than my physical body can take in.
It is bliss.
All we need is the faith of a mustard seed.
And we can open to a level of our soul,
Revealed in the arms of the greatest lover of our lives.
We can drop our guards and we can surrender.
Here, here is our life.
Our true life.
I shudder at the thought of the release.
Where will I go from here?
Whom will I become?
It is up to me whom I become.
With every breath I breathe me in a little more.
With every stroke of my great lover, I feel me a little bit more.
With every, gaze into the greatness of this life, I see my life unfold.
And I smile.
I smile at the mystery,
At the joy,
At the lessons,
At the tears,
At the rapture.
Trusting and full of faith.
I am no longer being carried,
I am flying.
Wings open wide.
And you can too.
Stop Existing & Start Living
It’s f*cking hard to surrender. And that’s exactly the problem that we all have.
We want the orgasm.
We want the connection.
We want the effing firework’s.
But we won’t just allow surrender to over take us and just blow our f*cking mind.
You know it’s true!
If your like many people, just reading the word surrender had you go into some sort of convulsions and excuses in your body. Maybe you said, ” I surrender all the time. I know how to go with the flow and just be.” Or maybe you felt some constriction in your chest, back or stomach. Maybe, just maybe you simply shook your head and said, “yep! that’s right, surrender is f*cking hard.” No matter what your response was as you read the title to this musing, you know its right.
Surrender is f*cking hard.
Because it’s scary as shit, that’s why.
Let me share a small tale with you and sorta tattle on myself in the process.
In recent month’s I have been struggling with surrender. I know how to and I can do it damn good and pleasurably as well too. I fully understand the blessings that I will reap if I just let go and surrender however, since about last July I have been stuck in what one may call a holding pattern. Just trying to maintain my energy, my emotions, and carry on as things sort themselves out. The issue with this holding pattern that quickly became a habit was that it had me locking down all my emotions and feeling. It had me restricting myself from fully embracing life in all ways.
You see when we restrict ourselves from surrendering to life and living faith based, even if it appears that we are only doing so in this aspect of our life and not over there or there, we are in fact limiting the supply of blessings and preventing the fullness of our dynamic ability to connect to God. You don’t get to say, ” I am not going to feel that, but I will feel this fully.” No, the universe does not operate like that. If you want to experience the highs of life and all the joy, bliss and beauty, then you have to be willing to experience and learn from the contrasting feelings and emotions that life offers up as well.
After all you and I are not here for life results. We are here for life experience.
You don’t get to take all the shit you gather up here with you. You get to take with you the emotion, the memory, and the experience of this life.
Your fancy car’s, houses and wardrobe won’t do you a damn bit of good in the after life. Neither will being the most responsible, dutiful citizen. Sure these are all wonderful things, and certainly make life more enjoyable and pleasant, but the reality is that ultimately THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU ARE HERE FOR!
You are here to learn to connect.
Yes that is what you are here for. What I am here for and everyone else.
It is that simple.
No matter what your faith or religion is, the truth is still the same.
Connection is ALL THAT MATTERS.
Think about it. What are we searching for when we are “looking for God,” or sitting in silence to pray or meditate? What are we wanting when we read scripture and ask for guidance from God?
Connection to God.
Connection to something greater than self.
Connection to ourselves.
Connection to others.
Without connection, no other goal matters, because if we are not leaning in and surrendering to God’s love and direction by becoming the witness within ourselves and embracing our own love for self as well as the love that is given FREELY by God/Universe then we can NEVER achieve any of our dreams, goals or desires long term.
We may get a taste of them for a fleeting moment but without the full embrace of our worthiness of receiving them and this means SURRENDERING to what our spirit knows at its core and living from our truth instead of this fictitious mask that we all love to try and play some role in, then we will never truly be blessed with all that is stored up in heaven for us and is right here waiting to be enjoyed in this lifetime.
Yet, here we are still arguing in so many ways about why we cannot or should not surrender.
Maybe it’s trust issues.
Maybe it’s a belief that you cannot have what you are desiring.
Maybe you are fearful of being abandoned by whomever or even God if you just get the f*ck out of your head and allow yourself to drop down into your body.
Maybe you are scared you will be too much, show to much or even that you may enjoy it to much.
Who the effing cares what the reason is that you are choosing NOT to surrender to your greatest and highest orgasmic life, the fact is that I am willing to wager that you are NOT!
Unless you can sit there and say, “Kendal, my life is so amazing, I cannot imagine anything being better. I have all my life in perfect order, I am living on purpose and am a total F*ck YES! to every day. I have all the abundance and well-being that I could ever desire.” And here is the kicker to that statement, you may say, yeah Kendal, that’s right and I am damn good at surrender.
Well, what does you life picture show?
Is that true?
What would your spouse, lover, friend, or family say?
I admitted a bit ago that I have been having surrender issues since back in July. The rest of the story is pretty simple.
There was this boy and this girl and they were fiercely in love, until one day when one of them was not. That day the world came to a STOP for the girl and her surrender give a shit button BROKE. Try as hard as she might to recover it from the damage that it under took, she found herself running from the pain her heart felt and the anger it held. She shut that shit down, because it was not good or productive and she focused in on the blessings in her life. She focused in on what she could CONTROL and dedicated herself to family and career.
Month’s passed and the girl tried repeatedly to pull that band aid off her bleeding heart and just surrender to life again and have faith that things would get better. That it was okay for her to open herself up and feel connection to someone again other than her family. Day after day, she tried everything possible, but always came back with the same result, a meh experience.
Almost hopeless, she decided that she had no choice but to just allow and see what would happen. Because in all of her trying she was actually pushing herself away from the thing that she desired so much. Her focus and dedication to “make it happen,” was creating resistance to surrender and preventing her from enjoying the rapture of connection, joy, and orgasm that was being presented to her repeatedly.
But then it happened!
Just like that, she had broken to a point where she no longer had the strength to hold the resistance and try and force something to happen.
There she lay, under her new lovers body, his focus completely present with her. Penetrating her not just to fantastic physical levels of depth, but as well to her heart and soul. Stroke after stroke, he lead her to go deeper inside herself where she had no choice but to meet up with her heart and just experience what it had to offer in this orgasmic surrender. The physical feelings were lovely and deep, but the emotional sensation brought tears to her eyes and as she found herself trying to hold them back, she could now feel her own resistance to her surrender heavy on her chest and tight in her pussy.
Here was the threshold that no one could carry her across but herself. Here, she had to make a choice and either stand strong in her resistance to receive or open and surrender her physical body more so that her emotional, mental and spiritual bodies could be penetrated and carried to the alter of God once again.