Some moments seem too hard to breathe through.
Have you ever felt like this?
You want to run, but there is no place to hide.
You want to escape this world, this life because your heart is so heavy, so full of pain and it feel’s like there is no purpose behind any of it.
The more you try to just go with it, or let it go,
The more you smile and just take steps seemingly forward ,
The more you inquire and sit with the pain in quiet moments alone,
The more you attempt to do WHATEVER it takes to allow yourself to carry on,
You feel yourself retracting even more.
You feel yourself shrinking into nothing.
You feel yourself letting go of who you were born to be,
Who you long to be.
This is what my last year has been like in so many ways.
And in truth, if I get REALLY REAL with you here, it has been longer.
Where did my heart get scared and decide it was not safe?
When did my soul escape the confounds of this being?
When did I turn away?
Away from me.
Away from my core.
Away from my love.
Away from my wings.
Away from my worthiness.
As I inquire deeper and deeper, I just feel more lost, more overwhelmed, more HOPELESS.
In these times of self-awareness I stand with a great uncertainty.
And I SEE just how this life long agony of my heart and soul have lead me from moment to moment.
Choice to choice.
I see that this pain has been a catalyst and a destroyer.
It has helped me to meet myself at deeper levels.
It has shown me some of the darkest shadows of myself.
It has gotten me intimately connected to my desires.
It has cradled me as I cry and fear that I will NEVER be ENOUGH and yet shudder with the concern of BEING TO MUCH.
The dagger in my chest that is pushing itself ALL the WAY through my soul ONLY has life in me giving it mine.
It has no purpose of it’s own, it is only here bleeding out my light.
It has NOTHING.
NOTHING without my attachment to it.
So why then do I desire to hold on to it and keep pushing it deeper into my heart?
Why then do I find a fascination in the pain?
Why then do I believe I CANNOT exist without this pain?
I fear being pain free.
I fear being free.
I fear being whole.
I fear me.
I fear my greatness.
I fear my light.
I fear my heart.
I fear my worthiness.
The moments that are seemingly too hard to breathe through are the exact moments that expand us.
It is these La’ Petite Mort of the heart that we gain GREAT insight and we are
We become a new version of ourselves by our own accepting.
Our own loving.
Our own honoring.
This that feel’s like it will certainly cause us to parish, most certainly will do JUST THAT.
It will cause the old version of us to no longer exist.
And if we embrace what it is here for then we will SHINE BRIGHTER than before.
Love deeper than before.
Laugh more than before.
Expand our wings wider than before.
Shine brighter than before.
These breathless moments, where we can not capture the air that we need for survival as we are.
These are our opportunities for GREATNESS.