THE ABSENCE OF WHO I AM, REALLY SUCKS! 🤯🤯🤯
Hating on self?
Or maybe you say that you don’t hate yourself.
You don’t dislike yourself even,
you are just frustrated.
Down on self because you are not feeling great in your skin.
And I get it.
I truly do.
We all go through these times.
And hey here is a little secret for you….🤫
I am currently in one of those moments in life where I am a bit down on myself. I am not in this moment in love with my body.
I am not in love with how I am feeling in my own skin,
and I am having issues looking myself in the mirror.
and even feeling sexy.
I sorta feel a bit grossed out by myself.
The way I got here is not really important.
And that is a tough concept to get through our human minds,
because we want to have our reasons, we want to analyze and figure out the reason behind the problem.
But that will never get the solving that we desire of the problem.
Because we are stating that we have a problem to begin with instead of just letting go of all this self-judgement and turning back to our truth.
Now it is important to be aware of habit changes,
of sabotaging thing that we have introduced into our lives,
into our thoughts and emotions,
that may be contributing to the support of this self-disgust.
The reality is that you can say that you love yourself all damn day long but if you are not loving your body enough to get it moving and consuming healthy foods, staying hydrated and getting enough sleep,
plus if you are choosing to stay in toxic relationship that are not feeding your heart and soul,
and you are not leaning into YOU…
then you simply are lieing your f-cking ass off to yourself about loving yourself.
You have to fall in love with yourself.
You have to own up to your power and stop making yourself so damn small.
Stop fearing the impressive, expansive person that YOU ARE.
And that my love is why you are so full of this yuckiness to yourself.
👉The reason that you don’t like yourself is because you’re not up to speed with yourself. 🛸🤯💃
You got that love?
YOU WERE BORN TO BE MARVELOUS.
You were created powerful, worthy and came into this world knowing such,
but it got stolen from you by the “good” lessons that your parents and the adults in your life taught you,
what society and school/church showed you,
and you started to believe that you were not powerful, worthy and abundant.
You started to believe that your light was dim.
and this means that you let go of being marvelous.
And that my dear was YOU.
So now the absence of you, really sucks!
It really does not have you feeling your best.
You are struggling to look into the mirror or make eye contact.
You are feeling frumpy and negative,
hating on your fleshy suit and hating on who you have allowed yourself to become.
When the answer to your problem…
if you want to call it that…
cause us humans love to solve problems, right?
Is that the reason that you are not liking yourself,
let alone in love with yourself ( an me too here),
is because you’re not ALLOWING yourself to be yourself.
You have cast your truth out.
And you sit back in your disgust over who you are right now,
and you maintain powerful focus on what needs to change, needs fixed, where you f-cked it all up at.
The worst thing that you can do though is just this.
Holding yourself in focus and finding a critical thought about you.
Because that action,
that manifestation that you are creating,
TAKES YOU AWAY FROM WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
And you are powerful AF!
You are deserving.
You are beautiful and strong.
You are courageous and loving.
You are intuitive and caring.
You are worthy and abundant.
That is who you are.
That is what you are to be living, RIGHT NOW!
And it is up to only you love to take yourself from this absence of self and get the f-ck lined back up.
Synchronize to your TRUTH.
Here is where you will fall in love with you and become mesmerized by staring into your own eyes,
lost in the sea of you.
You will be captivated at your heart and your beauty and you will not just think that you are worthy,
you will KNOW without a doubt that you are,
because your soul knows.
Your souls never has questioned your worthiness or your power.
That is why you are feeling so bad love,
because you are questioning what your soul deeply is certain of.
And when you come back to YOU and who YOU REALLY ARE,
well that is when whatever the problems you are having with your body and life right now, will just wash away with ease.
Time to start loving on the most important person in your world wouldn’t you say?
And STOP trying to be all this or that for everyone else that is not you.
With all my love, beautiful.
Remember Who You Are.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to know more about living an abundant life?
Want to know the secrets to overcoming these little obstacles that can turn into mountains if left in the corners of our minds and rustling around in our energy? Reach out to me about my Asskickery Month of Private 1:1 Global Coaching now, where I will share with you how to overcome and have success in one subject area of your life in the next 4 to 6 weeks.
I absolutely HATE being controlled.
I dislike having to seek approval from another to just f-cking be me.
You know what I mean?
How do you feel about that?
Needing validation from another to be/do/have the things in your life that you just want.
That you enjoy.
That makes your life yours.
That make you,
But this is how we live out our lives.
We run around seeking for validation,
which is just another way of saying that we are asking for others permission to live our life,
or to be us.
And that has ALWAYS seemed a bit crazy to me.
10 year old Kendal, did not want to do this.
16 year old Kendal, certainly did not want to do this,
to the point that I found away to get homeschooled when homeschool was not a thing.
20 year old Kendal, figuring out the adulting thing did not enjoy this and quit her job because of this.
34 year old Kendal hated it so much that she left her husband for it.
well yeah… that shiz just don’t fly.
I still hate being controlled,
if you want me to do something,
control me in the opposite and I am sure to move the direction away from the control ( unless I see the manipulation and that is a totally different story),
But in truth what I dislike is not so much the control, but having to do what I don’t want to do.
I do not like having to do things that do not feel good to me for where I am at RIGHT NOW.
If it feels good and in alignment,
THEN SIGN ME THE F-CK UP!
If not then know I will change directions on you so quick your head will spin.
And I have been guilty of this all my life.
I have been called naive,
I have been told that I am flighty and flaky,
that I have commitment issues,
that I am lost.
The reality is far simpler than any of these options,
the truth is, I know, like I have always known that if I am not a F-ck Yes! to it then why do it.
And I change gears based on my authentic yes or no to something.
Sometimes that means that I cancel things.
Sometimes that means that I say I am going to get something done and then I do something else.
Sometimes it means that I have to own where I am at that I simply am no longer in alignment to whatever it was that I had agreed too.
And I get that the world does not like it when people operate on these sort of guidelines that I do.,
I understand that it goes compleletly against what we are taught.
But it works.
And for those of us out there that are self learners and thinkers,
that know beyond a doubt that our feelings and thoughts are what create our reality, that are not average and ordinary,
well guess what?
This is often what you will get.
What is often perceived as:
Because we get that what makes us feel good,
that living according to our souls calling and being fully in alignment to that,
is ALL the F-ck that matters.
We get that being selfish is where it is at.
Because selfishness is not evil,
What is evil is living in fear and scarcity.
That is not of God.
We understand that yes it takes courage to live like this, because the world has not been raised to handle our kind,
the world focused on the sheeple mentality,
the mentality of keeping you in fear and scarcity.
On the concept that you are to put EVERYONE before you and that some effing way THIS will bring you joy, happiness and all your heart desires,
But don’t you ask for anything because that’s wrong.
Think of others ALWAYS first.
Take from self until you have nothing more to give.
Until your vessel is so empty you are lost.
This is what you are here for.
And that is all wrong I tell you.
God does not want you living in fear and scarcity.
God wants you to be wanting.
It is in your wanting that the universe expands and evolves,
it is through you that we all grow.
And if you fall prey to the concept that living your life based on the permission of someone else is what you are to do,
that validating yourself through the ideas, beliefs and desires of another is what you are here for,
to be servant to them and cast yourself aside,
then well baby you are simply wrong.
You can never fill another’s glass from your empty pitcher.
This means you MUST approach life from a more selfish manner and learn how to take care of you.
You say that you want to manifest all this abundance,
the love and connection,
the freedom and opportunities,
you say that you want to be able to make a massive impact on the world,
to touch lives,
to help others heal,
or to lead the people in your life to a happy way of being.
Well then you gotta quit on this concept of living from the permission of others.
You will NEVER know your own worthiness or value if you rely on somelese to tell it to you.
If you are looking for the pat on the head from another to tell you that you are on the right path or doing good,
needing that validation,
then you will forever fall for whatever someone else deems acceptable for your life.
Sad but true.
Cuz’ you see baby,
it’s all up to you loving you enough to stop the crazy concept that you need validated and permission for being you.
You were born worthy luv.
But you gotta accept that.
And it starts with you knowing that by doing all the damn things that you keep doing that you hate,
that makes you feel like shit about yourself,
that makes you fear,
that causes you separation from your truth,
is the culprit to the suffering and void that you feel.
You must start living according to you.
And no one else.
You see when you feel those negative emotions,
those emotions are ONLY there to tell you one MF thing.
YOU ARE NOT IN YOUR TRUTH.
YOU ARE NOT LIVING ACCORDING TO YOUR SOUL.
YOU ARE OUT OF ALIGNMENT WITH GOD.
These are not you and they are not for you,
that is why you are feeling like shit baby.
But you have to start interpreting these emotions correctly in order to navigate yourself the right direction.
You must realize that you are here to want and desire.
You are here to love.
You are here to experience.
You are here to connect.
You are here to share.
You are here to BE YOU.
And if you can get this point, ‘then you join the 0.01% of the world that gets it.
You join those of us who are THRIVING and LIVING as intended.
And if you continue to choose otherwise,
but expect different results,
well let’s just say that, that might be kind of silly, right?
Because as long as you keep doing your stinking thinking and needing someone else to validate your existence for you then you will remain unhappy and lost and most likely not very successful in many subject areas of your life.
And I don’t want that for you.
I believe you are worthy.
That we all are worthy.
And that God wants you to THRIVE.
But you have to believe it too.
And want it.
And have the COURAGE to claim it.
SAY AMEN OR YES IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU WANT TO CLAIM THAT LIFE OF YES FOR YOU NOW.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Let’s get you saying yes to you once and for all .
You can have it.
Message me for deet’s on my coaching opportunities available worldwide now.
Watch: HUSTLE ENERGY! This is where the MAGIC is.
I have been just loving this Netflix series and a person like myself that never really sits down to watch television of any sort. It’s perfect to find a series that is a few seasons in so I can binge watch it at points in my life when I am in the groove to do just that.
And that is what I have been doing in the evenings a few nights a week over the last month.
So I am on Season 3 of Ozark,
and don’t worry all you peep’s who are on previous seasons,
I am not going to spoil anything for you in this share today.
But this season for sure does some twists and turns and leaves you going, “well that is about time” at points and then has you saying, “OMFG! did that just happen?” at other points.
The other night though, Wendy the main female lead for Ozark was putting on an event for this politician. As they were walking around the event site discussing things they end up in a conversation about what people want from a leader, and Wendy with her background in politics says to this man, “If you don’t have courage you are f-cked!”
This man’s face was questioning and curious to her statement, and she goes on to explain simply to him that the people want to see and will only follow and respect someone who has the balls to stand out there and speak up.
Which made me think about the truth of this statement.
And what it means to you and me,
the common folk (lol… I am far from f-cking common…and I hope that you are too.)
To be courageous in life.
To be courageous in our desires.
To be courageous in our relationships,
and with our health and well-being.
To be courageous in our work,
in our play,
in our spiritual paths.
Courageous equates to this simple truth,
Fortune or even better Well-Being and Abundance of all things wanted for favors the BOLD.
AKA – COURAGEOUS.
SO what Wendy in Ozark stated is true for any of us,
if we wanat for a life that manifests our dreams,
that provides us with the love and money,
the health and purpose,
the connection and respect,
the fulfillment that we want for,
then we must be couragous or we are f-cked.
In not being courageous we sacrifice EVERYTHING.
We turn it over to the luck of the draw you could say and our draw will remain of unsatisfactory measures because we are throwing our hands up and being a victim to the world instead of boldly standing in our dream, in our passion, in our truth.
People come to me all the time,
and even just this last few days in my dozen or so client appointment that I did 1:1 with beautiful peep’s,
I was presented the common statement of,
” I just can’t stop thinking this way.”
” I am just stuck right here and I don’t know what to do.”
“Everything I try doing does not work.”
“You said just turn my attention to something that feels better and that only works for a few moments then I am right back to the crazy, crazy in my head where I am caught in a negative loop.”
Well, my soul response to these statements,
these beliefs that are being verbalized is simple,
“It takes f-cking courage to catch yourself and to stay the course of loving yourself enough to see when you are down this rabbit hole and know that there is not a damn thing that you can do about it because you have built too much momentum around it.
It takes courage to see this truth, to take responsibility for it and love yourself out of it by dropping that ball of momentum and focusing in on something that feels totally off topic and silly,
even meaningless, but has no negative charge to it. Is easy. and then apply playful focus to this meaningless thought that actually feels good.
It takes courage to do this.
Because it goes against everything that we have been taught in our human experience by those who we love and respect, who have our best interest in heart and who have lived more than us. It takes courage to go against the concept that we have to dig more into an issue to resolve it and change it.
But when you truly think about it it’s crazy to keep adding more attention to that, that we do not desire to manifest. Focusing in on it will only guarantee our failure, or the same results that we have been getting and will only assure us more negative feelings and fear. It will only solidify the evidence against us.
You can not fix a problem as long as you are part of it.
You can not change negative thoughts and feelings that have a ton of momentum as long as you remain in them,
being in the middle of the thought and trying to think yourself out of it from that space of negativity and focus on the subject that you have resistance, thus pain wrapped up around will NEVER,
I mean never get you what you want.
You will never change your stinking thinking this way.
You will only expand and grow in it to create more of it and bounce around from negative thought to negative thought with a split second of relief here and there, only to give it back up again to what you are comfortable in,
So if you are wanting to change your physical, mental and emotional experiences in your life to something that feels more fulfilling, loving, connective, joyful and abundant than you have to be courageous enough to catch yourself in your crap and then courageous enough to to drop it where it is and just except that that though path is going to run a muck, but you don’t have to keep playing with it, you don’t have to keep it active. And your best bet is to find something that is almost meaningless to play with, but is easy to think good about, to feel good about.
Create momentum around that and watch the other fizzle out.
It’s a bold move love.
It’s going to require you to step away from the comfort of chaos and drama,
away from your normal feelings,
away from what you perceive as your truth,
and to instead stand in courage and do what is right for you.
And when you do this consistently the rewards will be phenomenal.
Your life picture will change,
your path will expand and your dreams will start to emerge before your eyes like magic.
What you want for, wants you too.
But you have to have the courage to level up yourself and your life to manifest it with ease.
You are so worthy of this and more.
Have courage today to soothe yourself instead of beat yourself.
In love to you always.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
You were born worthy of so much more than what you are allowing right now.
It is time that you say YES to you.
Message Me for deet’s on 1:1 coaching now.
I can kick your a*s from anywhere globally.
- Is asking for approval needy?
- If this is so then this is why I don’t do it as much when I am feeling confident and centered in myself.
- But when I have confidence and don’t need approval or opinions from others then is this disconnect?
- So what is the best chosen path: disconnection or looking for connection through approval? How do they each benefit me?
I am a strong, powerful, willful woman who has been called a “force of nature” by many. And today, if I was to a be a vase, packed into a box for shipping – I would need extra bubble wrap around me today. My skin actually hurts.
I would need the card board box to be firm and hard. I wouldn’t suggest putting me in an airplane. I would require a delivery man. I am feeling that fragile.
It’s the kind of fragile that can make mistakes. I’m the kind of fragile that can make me feel like I won’t be delivered safely. That somehow, I will fall like the vase to the ground and shatter. And it’s so much work to put me back together again. All of that awful stinky sticky glue.
It’s hard to look at someone who leads, and see their fragility. We want to believe that our teachers and leaders never cry or feel lost or fuck up. But somehow, I think that the best of us do. We might even question why we are leading. Or our life’ purpose!
Do you ever feel this way? Do you ever speak it?
I have been talking a lot the past few weeks about women, and how we love and support each other – and how we don’t.
So many of my friends are deeply involved in women’s circles, or various other female dynamics in complicated relationships.
And it seems that we are all shaking on some level. Is it the stars?
The sins we commit against each other as women is lack of support. A competitiveness that seems to have an underbelly hidden through soft words.
A lack of seeing each other with gentle eyes. We hurt. We hurt each other. We hide. We project. We become mute or duplicitous, and we fester like boiling water until one day we erupt like a geyser. Do we forget we unravel in grief?
So many of us hold deep trauma in our lives. For me, this is different than the drama some of us layer on top of our lives as a distraction from perhaps what is real trauma – or dare I say it – boredom.
Do you reach out to your friends, and ask for extra love and support when you are hurting this way? Or do you hope that they just notice and get it, and call you?
Or if you are feeling strong, do you make yourself available to your friends to wrap them up in bubble wrap when their skin hurts and their heart beats funny? Do you just offer soft kisses on the forehead?
Does letting yourself be seen in your trembling state feel too needy to you? Some of us just wait and hope that our need will be seen – and support will just show up. Some of us create anger, because any kind of attention to our pain even negative attention can fill us up in some way or another.
And some of us, walk around the house looking for bubble wrap and retreat for a few days.
Sometimes, it can be as simple as needing rest.
Loving you from here, and please send a little bubble wrap my way!
Pamela Madsen, Author of Shameless, Sexuality & Fertility Coach, Integrative Life Coach Specializing in Women’s Issues
At 43 years old, Pamela Madsen was happily married to the man she fell in love with at 17. She was the mother of two sons and had a successful career as a nationally known advocate for fertility issues. But she felt a growing sexual restlessness and yearning that wouldn’t let up. And though Pamela loved her husband and didn’t want to have an affair, she knew deep down that she needed more, much more. In Shameless, she tells the story of how she found it—and not only kept her marriage intact but made it stronger than ever.
In this fearless memoir, Pamela tells the story of her search for sexual, personal, and spiritual wholeness. She explores, in riveting detail, what she experienced at the hands of sexual healers, men who brought her untold pleasure (and became her close friends in the process).
But this is not just another sex book: Shameless is also an account of how Pamela’s journey healed her issues with food and body image and most important, helped her weave the many roles that she played—daughter, friend, partner, mother—into one fully integrated person. It is a story about a woman falling in love with herself and a call to other women to do the same.
Vulnerability picture by Seth Barns
If you want to change the world love a man; really love him
Choose the one whose soul calls to yours clearly who sees you; who is brave enough to be afraid
Accept his hand and guide him gently to your hearts blood
Where he can feel your warmth upon him and rest there
And burn his heavy load in your fires
Look into his eyes look deep within and see what lies dormant or awake or shy or expectant there
Look into his eyes and see there his fathers and grandfathers and all the wars and madness their spirits fought in some distant land, some distant time
Look upon their pains and struggles and torments and guilt; without judgment
And let it all go
Feel into his ancestral burden
And know that what he seeks is safe refuge in you
Let him melt in your steady gaze
And know that you need not mirror that rage
Because you have a womb, a sweet, deep gateway to wash and renew old wounds
If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Sit before him, in the full majesty of your woman in the breath of your vulnerability
In the play of your child innocence in the depths of your death
Flowering invitation, softly yielding, allowing his power as a man
To step forward towards you…and swim in the Earth’s womb, in silent knowing, together
And when he retreats…because he will…flees in fear to his cave…
Gather your grandmothers around you…envelope in their wisdoms
Hear their gentle shusshhhed whispers, calm your frightened girls’ heart
Urging you to be still…and wait patiently for his return
Sit and sing by his door, a song of remembrance, that he may be soothed, once more
If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Do not coax out his little boy
With guiles and wiles and seduction and trickery
Only to lure him…to a web of destruction
To a place of chaos and hatred
More terrible than any war fought by his brothers
This is not feminine this is revenge
This is the poison of the twisted lines
Of the abuse of the ages, the rape of our world
And this gives no power to woman it reduces her as she cuts off his balls
And it kills us all
And whether his mother held him or could not
Show him the true mother now
Hold him and guide him in your grace and your depth
Smoldering in the center of the Earth’s core
Do not punish him for his wounds that you think don’t meet your needs or criteria
Cry for him sweet rivers
Bleed it all back home
If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Love him enough to be naked and free
Love him enough to open your body and soul to the cycle of birth and of death
And thank him for the opportunity
As you dance together through the raging winds and silent woods
Be brave enough to be fragile and let him drink in the soft, heady petals of your being
Let him know he can hold you stand up and protect you
Fall back into his arms and trust him to catch you
Even if you’ve been dropped a thousand times before
Teach him how to surrender by surrendering yourself
And merge into the sweet nothing, of this worlds’ heart
If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Encourage him, feed him, allow him, hear him, hold him, heal him
And you, in turn, will be nourished and supported and protected
By strong arms and clear thoughts and focused arrows
Because he can, if you let him, be all that you dream
If you want to love a man, love yourself, love your father
Love your brother, your son, your ex-partner; from the first boy you kissed,
To the last one you wept over
Give thanks for the gifts; of your unraveling to this meeting
Of the one who stands before you now
And find in him the seed to all that’s new and solar
A seed that you can feed to help direct the planting
To grow a new world, together