Mmmmmmmm….. sounds good, huh?
Sounds like something you want.
That you desire more of in your life.
I sit here this morning contemplating so many things,
and I often find myself excavating past lessons so that I do not repeat them in current time and space.
As I analyze things, especially how I choose to do relationship I see how difficult I might be to have a serious one with.
And I do not believe that it is the fact that I enjoy multiple people in my life that is the difficult thing.
What is difficult for most is my integrity about it.
I share openly about my feelings.
About my past.
About my desires.
I share how I feel.
The issue is that we are taught that we should not want anything more than the relationship we have.
That the relationship we have is to complete us,
to make us happy, and to provide all our needs.
If it does not then under no conditions should you turn to someone else to get this met.
ESPECIALLY someone you may be attracted too or them to you.
I hear the statement,
” Be cautious of the situation you put yourself in.”
I hear the concern in this statement.
I hear the plea of if you hang around people you like, are attracted too then you may stray,
and straying equates to you leaving.
Because you have to make a choice.
Because there is ONLY so much love to go around.
Because you cannot have multiple relationships successfully.
Because it makes ME uncomfortable.
Okay, here is where I get a little uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable in my truth.
My truth is that I can NEVER go back to a way of living where I shut myself down from the world,
from other people,
and/or from men.
I f-cking love my male friends and lovers.
Whether current lovers of not, I may be enjoying time with them.
And when it is imposed on me that I need to not do this,
I feel shackles being put on me and on my emotions,
And YES you better believe I will be making a choice.
I am poly my nature.
In all things I do.
I do love many.
I do enjoy many.
And may be likely to have intimacies in multiple ways with a few.
The one’s who capture my heart,
capture my essence for a season of our lives dancing together,
are the one’s who are confident enough in themselves and who get the difference between love and need.
Who can embrace my feminine wave of love.
These are the ones or THE ONE that will hold me a lifetime.
Now I am not speaking on sex here.
When I say intimacy,
I mean depth in revealing.
Sex can be this intimacy,
however sexing will only be as deep and intimate as we allow ourselves to be revealed in it.
Sex can just be that, sex.
It can be friction based and meaningless.
Sex does not mean love.
Sex does not mean commitment.
Sex does not mean intimacy.
Sex is a communication tool,
a physical communication tool .
And if you show up at only a surface level in your daily interactions with a lover,
then your sexing will only mimic the same.
If you have depth, intimacy, surrender, authenticity in your daily interactions then your sex can go to this level as well,
or it can still be held in a place of disconnect if we are letting everything be heard in other ways but are scared to speak our truth in the bedroom.
Sex DOES NOT mean intimacy.
It can however deepen our intimacy and love.
It all depends on our level of surrender with our partner.
In the land of poly,
many believe that poly means to have multiple sexual partners. But this is not true,
poly is about something much more frightening than sex.
It is about LOVE.
And in love we can go deep with someone,
and we might open the gateway to sex.
Might I even say gourmet sex?
Because of the love,
because of the more authentic relating.
But poly DOES NOT equate to sex,
lot’s of sex,
or sex with many.
You can be monogamous in your sexing,
and polyamorous in your relating and intimacy sharing.
And you can have success in this.
Just like you can have success in an open relationship with open sexing, or a swinging relationship.
Just like you can have success in a monogamous relationship.
A successful relationship is not about the sexual labels you put on it.
It is based on the confidence that each party has in themselves first, the self-love they have, and their ability to show up authentically in the realtionship. Which means authentic communication.
Year spent together does not equate a successful relationship.
Unconditional love, and forward moving growth,
individually and together gives you opportunity to have this.
The most happy people on the planet are the one’s who have multiple close relationships. The healthiest people are the same.
Healthy mentally, emotionally and physically.
All requires intimacy shared.
Closing yourself off to the world is a death sentence in an essence.
Closing yourself off to the world and ONLY allowing intimacy to be shared with but ONE is putting all your eggs in one basket and putting an unrealistic expectation on the ONE. As well, as expecting that you as an individual can survive with only this one food source.
Because relationships are food.
They are emotional, mental, spiritual food.
They effect our body, mind and soul.
They impact us at a deep level.
And not having them does not mean that we are not effected.
Avoidance of relationship DOES equate avoidance of your heart and soul.
It is hiding from all the intimacy and truth that you are meant to share.
We hide out of fear of getting hurt.
We choose to not get involved,
to not catch feelings,
out of fear of getting burned.
If we do step into a relationship,
we then revamp our whole world and expect our partner to do the same, by not having relationship outside of the primary relationship. Often this simply means to pull away from anyone that there may potentially be “feelings” for.
And we do this out of fear.
Fear of loss.
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of having too much love.
We close off because our ego’s affirm to us that it is not safe to love.
Love will not hurt you.
Love is not limited.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” ( 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
So why do we fear it so?
Why do we handcuff it so?
Why do we cover it with our self-centered need?
Because we do not understand.
And we equate many a thing to be love.
We fear what we do not know.
We fear what we cannot control.
We fear that we will loose if we love,
therefore we choose to turn our backs on love,
as we embrace its doppelganger of lust and need.
is authentic relating.
come in many ways and are what brings joy and surrender to all relationship.
Sex is never a reason to fear loss.
Love will never create loss.
The only reasons we change seasons with a relationship is because we have either out grown the relationship or have not grown to the next level within it,
or it was based on need ( not love) and those needs are no longer being met.
Level up your love life,
by tapping into your authentic self.
Embody yourself and open to love.
This is the answer to your happily ever after.
Stop Existing & Start Living
If you are ready to make the leap then reach out to me today. I am running a Christmas special where you get 2-months of coaching for FREE. Check it out and use the SANTAGIFT code in the why you want to work with me section.
It’s your impression of me that shuts me down.
It’s your view of who you think I am that prevents you from seeing whom I really am.
It’s your ideas about what I am thinking,
feeling that create this space between us.
It’s your fear of my inner world that holds your authentic self from coming out.
Stop putting your idea’s,
They are not mine.
Do not shut me out
because it is easier than feeling into me.
Do not disconnect and not speak,
because you already know what I will respond with.
Do not retract your love,
because you are certain you heard me say one thing when
IN FACT you were not listening.
All you hear is your program.
All you hear is your past trauma.
All you hear is your baggage.
You think you see me clearly.
But you only see my reflection.
The one that you have painted.
None of this is true.
Your perception of me,
is NOT my reality.
that anger you hold.
It is in you.
It is not mine.
That blame you are trying to hand to me,
it is yours my love.
It is not mine.
All this viewing of a shadow I never cast,
has you seeing an image of me that never has been.
It is your impression of me that shuts me down.
I feel you judging.
I feel you closing me out.
I feel you hiding.
I feel you poking at me,
hoping to see me,
but not willing to stand with me.
Confirmation of your inability to stand,
comes from your actions.
Those actions you claim you have no choice but to make.
Those actions which you initiated,
initiated with your fear,
your lack of feeling worthy.
you cast it onto me.
You see me in the blinding light of your self rage,
and you mistake me for the devil.
That devil that resides deep withing each of us.
That devil that has brainwashed you,
you into believing you are not doing anything,
but that everything is happening to you.
You are the driver of your life.
These are your choices.
This is our path.
The journey we have chosen to share.
It is your impression of me that keep’s me locked out of your castle gates.
It is your fear of being loved that keep’s you from feeling me.
It is your anger of the reflection that I provide that has the inner devil dancing in rage.
It is you my love.
It is you.
I will not own this image that you have gifted me with.
I will not claim it as my own.
I CHOOSE love.
I CHOOSE growth.
I CHOOSE soul.
I CHOOSE to see the light.
The light in me.
The light in you.
This I honor.
This I am in gratitude for.
Put down your armor,
let your warrior rest.
It is time to embrace the truth.
Time to SEE your TRUTH.
You are WORTHY.
Stand in your FEAR and cast out the devils there.
This is your calling.
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
PS- I love you♥
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” A gift unopened is a gift not valued.”- KW
” There I lay with my legs spread wide open as I looked my lover in the eye’s. He was sweating, heated, passionate. Full of arousal and pleasure. His turn on was fulfilling at a deep level. With every thrust of his cock I could sense that this experience was beyond his anticipation and I was honored that I could gift him with it. As he thrusted himself into another’s woman pussy and she was devouring mine I could tell that the sheer act that I would be open to another woman going down on me and to make matters even more divine that she would be eating me out while he was having his way with her doggy style and getting to watch her enjoying me was by far the best Christmas present I could have come up with.
As she gasped for air and moaned from her pleasure and turn on he too became more aroused and leaned deeper into his own pleasure. From my vantage their joy and pleasure were beyond beauty. I found myself caught not in pleasure, not in rapture or orgasm of the physical realms but that of a deep emotional love for this man. In this moment I truly was not body present, if anything I was physically turned off from my own orgasm, but what I had discovered was a sexual giving that could not be touched and a beauty and appreciation for this world and our sex that I did not understand prior.
The adventure moved forward and before long I found myself in a 69 position with this woman and my partner now taking turns fucking her pussy up close and personal not more that a few inches away from eyes and face and then occasionally pulling out of her and thrusting deep into my mouth. Every time he switched from pussy to mouth or vise versa I could see the pulsing energy of his cock expand and he wanted so badly to take all that he could out of this moment. Once again I found myself hearing her moans, feeling her body on top of mine, her breathing changing and her body quivering, her pussy dripping with juices and wanting more but I could not feel her tongue, her lips and fingers as they danced along my vulva and found themselves in me. No, once again I was not able to truly drop down into my body and feel what was happening. But I could feel the high orgasmic energy of my partner and of our playmate. In this instance I found a new arousal yet again, it was a sort of mystery and joy combined in some sexual dance as I watched his cock and balls penetrate and slap up against her and then felt him not just quiver but literally vibrate as he penetrated my mouth. Holding his very hard cock deep in my throat, just past that tight spot I could get little gasps of air as he pulsed and moaned. This, this made me aroused. This activated me some.
Before long I was now on my back, our playmate sitting back sharing how great her view was. My pussy wide open before her and my partner now between my legs now taking me fully while she watched and masturbated to our live lovemaking scene. I could hear her moan, I could smell her in the room. His groans and growls with his ever deepening penetration was a turn on but once again, it was a mental and emotional turn on, it was a deeply intimate affair that made my heart leap with joy but my orgasm was no where to be found physically.”
This was a small take away from my first ever threesome with another woman. I had decided that I was going to gift my partner with something that he had always desired. A fantasy of his and I was over joyed that the whole experience was so beautiful. I still hold so much gratitude to the woman that we chose to share this moment with and who helped to deepen our intimacy as a couple. I wanted to gift the man I love with something I knew he had never been given and I was ecstatic that I was a woman who was willing to play in territories that were not always comfortable or about myself. I had not always been this way, my self-doubt, guilt, shame and concepts of giving and receiving had changed tremendously through the years and still do from time to time as I learn about myself and my own needs and desires. However I can say that the ability to share oneself without a need to receive is something that I cherish in myself. I also cherish the fact that I am extremely comfortable stating my boundaries and desires as well as needs in these areas.
As much as I love to give without receiving I also am not afraid to ask for what I desire. I have learned that giving of this nature can only happen when I myself am in a state of fullness and even better if my cup runneth over with orgasmic bliss already, as in these times are when I am not only willing to give and excited about it, but I want to give freely. In such moments I find my orgasm in others. I feel it when they express their joy, their pleasure. I feel my turn on not in the physical but in my heart and I experience a deeper layer of orgasmic living through this. These moments to me are very unsexual. They are playful education that help me remain in a state of acceptance, appreciation and openness.
This is where one’s willingness and wanting come together in a perfect dance to share love with someone in a special format that is not often understood by any of the parties in the moment it is happening. This is sharing of the unconditional sort.
Willingness Vs. Wanting
We all think that we understand the difference of these two. It seem’s pretty simple. Does it not?
“I am willing to help you move this weekend even though I actually want to just crash and veg on the couch because I am exhausted from the week.”
“I want to go to see Doctor Strange but am willing to see Moana instead.”
These are simple things to see the act of willingness with. The act of giving to another and not doing exactly what we want in the moment so that another can have pleasure with us, or through us or accomplish something that they might need or want to but would like our help with. This does not make the person receiving self-centered. It does allow them to be selfish though and selfishness is not a bad thing as long as we are willing to be grateful for it, give back when possible and do not ever put another into a situation of harm or trauma.
When we are self-centered we tend to not be concerned about others. In these times we express our desires for what we feel are our needs or wants and we do not stop to think about the cost to others, nor do we care. When we are self-centered we are like a bull in a friends china shop and we disregard everything but what we are focused on. We also typically do not allow for space to occur for someone else to make a decision of how they feel or if they want, are willing or otherwise around whatever we are pushing for.
Let me share a brief story to help clarify self-centeredness in sexing:
A few years back I worked with a couple and the main spiff they had was around anal sex. The man loved anal sex and the woman occasionally liked it but most of the time was not interested as it was not her major turn on and she had even been hurt during it a few times. The husband could not understand why his wife would not always enjoy this practice so he thought that if he insisted on doing it more consistently and “assured her” that she liked it during the process that she would get a clue and start to enjoy it as much as he did.
When I spoke to the husband he always shared his concern that she was not understanding how great this act was or her own pleasure. He was convinced that her complaints were false and that for some reason she was just trying to take away his pleasure. When I spoke with the wife she shared that it hurt horribly and his aggressive nature, lack of asking her if she was wanting or even willing to play like this caused her a lot of stress. She was ready to pull the plug on the marriage if it continued. And she did in the end. The husband was shocked that she would divorce him for asking for what he wanted and it being such a small matter at that.
This couple shares a true tale of one partner being self-centered and ONLY concerned about his own pleasure and gratification. To the point of insisting that his wife did not understand what was happening with her own body and emotions.
That is not selflishness though!
Selfishness is another animal all together. We miss use the word all the time and therefore tend to wrap guilt and shame around something that is actually needed and we should have more of.
Selfishness is when we ask for what we need. Selfishness does not mean that we will always get what we are asking for or that we should, it simply says that we know that we need something and that we know that we need to take care of ourselves. If we need another to help us fulfill this then we need to ask for it but if we can achieve it without another or can look elsewhere then often it is more than okay to do this as long as we remain in openness and integrity.
An example of being selfish would be:
After I had my seventh child I was having a really tough time gaining feeling back in my vaginal walls. It took me almost twice as long as previous postpartums. That did not stop my libido though, but the over tiredness and toddler who slept between my partner and myself plus the newborn did not make for the best of grounds for getting back in the saddle. On top of it when my partner and I had sex I could hardly feel him and could not orgasm. This all started doing a mind fuck on me and I found myself not interested in sex with my partner the way that I wanted to be. I knew that I was depleted of orgasmic energy and all the good hormones that get released and help support our bodies emotionally, mentally and physically when we are full on orgasm. I knew that if I did not get this soon that I would sink into depression even further and my old programs would have a better grip on me than normal. I knew that if I did not take care of myself and frequently that I would loose so much of myself and not be able to give to the world any more. So I took matters into my own hands and got SELFISH!!!!
I masturbated every morning. Being in an open relationship also allowed me to ask for more sex with not just my one partner but to pull in my other partner as well and start working my orgasm out in anyway possible. I asked my partners to go down on me, I asked to use toys, I even created some hot scenes that were playful and shared them and said that I wanted to try them. From someone looking in they may have said, ” This woman is a sex addict, she needs help, she is not thinking about anyone but herself.” They would have been right about one thing, I needed help, I needed to help myself and be selfish and I needed support from those who loved me.
Wanting, willing and taking. When we fully understand the differences we should be able to see the positive and negative that they all carry with them, just like anything in life.
Sometimes our wanting is so strong that it makes us forget about others. Other times our wanting is an act of sharing or a desire that we hope will be granted or at least heard in love and acceptance so that we can feel closer and more seen.
Our willingness is often based on one of three things:
*Love or care for another
The last two are based in fear and not even acts of selflessness, but acts of victim-hood and an inability to stand up for our own needs and boundaries. The first is based in love and often is unconditional and if it is conditional we are quick to set our terms.
When we speak of taking, it sounds so mean. Like we are stealing something or causing harm to another by taking. This is only sometimes true. Once again look at the motive behind the act. Look at the act itself. And most importantly realize that in any healthy relationship that one can ONLY take what is offered otherwise it is not a healthy relationship to start with. If you are taking without being offered then you need to examine your actions and realize that you are causing trauma. If you take something that is being offered authentically with no ill emotional back lash (i.e. guilt) then you are honoring your relationship and the gift bestowed upon you.
We take forcefully and we also take what we are being gifted. Ask yourself which it is and then choose wisely.
Honor those you love through the act of unconditional sharing and through the art of receiving. Remember that the gifts given that are unconditional are often the most beautiful.
I dislike the term “masturbation,” which comes from the Greek root word to “self pollute.” I prefer self pleasuring. Only through self pleasuring can we discover what our bodies are capable of and what really pleases — or pleasures — us. Without that knowledge, we can never let our partners know what we want or what we need to be pleasured by them.
Historically, the United States Patent Office has had over 900 applications for anti-masturbation devices for men. One of those devices even included sandpaper gloves which were meant to prevent nocturnal emissions in young men. Conversely, with the exception of chastity belts, there are few devices to prevent female masturbation – the thought being, of course, is that women neither masturbate nor enjoy sex. YES, THEY DO!
The only things preventing women from enjoying a pleasurable sexual relationship are lack of knowledge of their own bodies; partners who are poorly educated in female pleasure or who simply refuse to give up control; and/or an unwillingness or inability to communicate what they want or need from partners. With self pleasuring, women can acknowledge all orgasms before climax and bring that knowledge to their lovemaking with their partners.
The dichotomy is that we are told not to touch “down there.” As old myths fall we now know that self pleasuring is healthy and constructive. It enhances pleasure when intimate with a partner and adds to mutual pleasuring. YES, it’s ok to reach “down there” and assist a partner in pleasuring you.
Some experience their first, and often multi, orgasms with the aid of a vibrator. Pleasure devices have been around since ancient times such as Ben Wa balls, which are now replaced with cordless vibrators. The use of a vibrator to explore one’s body for pleasure is recommended; however, it is never a replacement for lovemaking. One person said they didn’t want a vibrator because “it’s not warm and it doesn’t hug me.” The key point is the more you know about your body, the more pleasure is available to you, and your partner as well.
For men, self pleasuring allows for extended erections and delay of orgasms. Often vibrators extend lovemaking and avoid premature ejaculation. Simply by stroking without allowing ejaculation, men can learn to last longer and longer in their lovemaking.
Although couples can pleasure themselves in front of each other as foreplay or as a learning experience, self pleasuring is different. It is the only time you get to make love to someone you really love — no one can pleasure you like you! Even as you tell your partner how to pleasure you, and he or she pleasures you, it is different. Not better, just different.
Have fun, explore, be pleasured!
Nationally renowned author, teacher, lecturer and inventor Dr. Stuart Bloch, DD, PhD, ChT is one of the nation’s leading experts on sex and sexual relationships. He is the founder of The Institute for Sexual Awareness (www.isasex.org), a research and educational trust whose purpose is to educate people to have more pleasure and satisfaction in relationships. This article is based on Dr. Bloch’s new book, “Conversations with the World’s Greatest Lover” found on Amazon.com.
Have you ever just felt so incredibly out of control of your life that you could scream? I sure do at times. But then in the midst of all the chaos of the world and the craziness of your life, God seems to throw out funny little “coincidences” (I do not believe in coincidence but you get what I mean here). These things seem to be like a big flaming red arrow pointed over your head in the sky, trying to guide you in the direction that you should travel, but when you seriously contemplate following this path it gives you butterflies in your tummy, a nervous feeling all over, your heart races, the room you are in gets hot. And then without failure your logical mind takes over yet again and discredits that arrow in the sky that God had arranged so nicely for you to see. “It’s just clouds.”
Have you ever felt as though you could conquer any obstacle thrown your way? That is if your mood was right and you had the right support system in place. Again, I sure do at times. Other times I feel like I am the mud flap on that back of Ford F150 and my owner has decided to go on a very hard and muddy country road to make sure he has gotten good use out of me. But on the days that I feel that the world is my little platter of the best cheesecake your heart to ever long for, those days I glow with an energy that I wish I could maintain throughout life’s little quirks. Those days, I am full of creative spirit, God speaks in the universe and I can hear his voice.
Have you ever felt a love in your soul so strong that it kept you awake at night. So vivid that it bombarded your every waking moment too. Making time seem to stop and yet in the same flash of time move ever quicker. Have you heard the angels singing a love chorus in the heavens because there is no such thing as perfect as love. True love. The things songs are written about, movies are made for, poems and books are read for. The thing that we all long for and pray God will bless us with. When one has a love like this, then the days are easier to conquer. The tidal waves of life seem like little ripples in the bath water around your toes. The logical mind that tried so hard to overcome the soul with fear gets put in its place, because the soul regains it gumption for life, it grabs hold of its true spiritual design and decides that the only way to be, is to fly free.