Orgasm Blame Game by Guest Author Addison Bell

It’s early evening when I receive the text, and I am relaxing outside and trying to get some work done. I see the name, and I am immediately intrigued because it is rare these days that I see this name on my phone screen. He wants to come over for a little while, and I know that he has plans beyond just chatting. I sit, staring at my phone for a few minutes, pondering my options. On the one hand, I know that I really need and desire some focused attention. On the other hand, I have some major emotional blocks with him right now and am still holding a traumatic event in my body. I have the choice to lean into the vulnerable here or to shut down and completely shut him out. I finally decide to step into vulnerability and see if I can allow my own opening with his help.

The evening begins alright, and he is even a little playful in our initial banter back and forth. Though he only spends a short amount of time focused solely on me and during this brief stint continues to tell me to relax. As soon as he enters me, we begin to fight as he starts to tell me that it’s my fault I’m not orgasming. He yells at me that I’m in my head. That I need to try this fantasy or that fantasy. My emotions rise as he blames me for the lack of feeling, lack of pleasure, lack of connection at the moment. The second I mention that I’m struggling due to past events… he shuts down, throws himself backward and asks for a blow job. He’s given up on me. If I can’t throw my feelings, trauma, and body away to play the part, then he isn’t going to waste his time on me. He wants me to be a microwaveable porn star. And once again, I feel more trauma and hold back. I’m pissed! I leaned in here, and now I’m angry with myself because I feel like I should’ve known better. I’m left feeling more disconnected, used, and in the end, broken as I welcome my Ego in to play for a little while.

Is my orgasm my responsibility? Yes. It is my job to connect with my body. To push past the blockages and truly feel into things. A woman that is unwilling to allow her orgasm will not be able to get to that place of bliss she is desiring and that is imperative for her body as a whole. Though a woman also needs a man’s presence and his ability to hold space. She can’t do it by herself. A woman requires focused attention, time, and understanding of her process.

We don’t surrender to that needed physical level all by ourselves. We need the strong masculine to hold space.

Fighting with your woman in the middle of sex about her lack of orgasm is not holding space. Telling your woman that it is her fault that she isn’t able to orgasm isn’t going to get to the bottom of any orgasm dilemmas. In all honesty, this type of energy, questioning, and blaming will only consistently move your woman further and further from tapping into her orgasm and continue to drive a wedge into the relationship.

Men, if your woman isn’t orgasming, then you need to be looking at yourself in the mirror. I know this could be a hard statement to swallow, but it’s true. That’s not saying you need to blame yourself, but you do need to look at how you are approaching your woman, the truth of the relationship dynamics, and if you are truly giving her the time and space to work into her true feminine energy and allowing this flow. Are you able and willing to have the hard emotional conversations to step into the difficulties in the relationship, and if that is not the problem, then can you hold space while your woman is doing her own work to really tap in? Sometimes, even more importantly, are you listening?

In the above scenario, I was telling my lover that I was not interested in several fantasies that he was presenting to me. He chose to instead fight with me about his perception of my arousal and that I was denying myself instead of listening to my consistent verbalizations over several different experiences. I was sharing from my heart that although I love adventure and play in my sexing that, right now, in the current living space, that I needed a very simple and straightforward connection in my sexing. My lover refused to acknowledge again and again the fact that it was the relationship and severe boundary crossing that was causing my hold back. He didn’t want to hear it, to step into the emotion, and instead chose to shut down. FYI, this is not the divine masculine at work… these types of reactions are the reactions of a man that never grew into his manhood. If you are a man, are you doing any of these things with your relationship?

In my practice, I strive to have guys tap into their divine masculine because, then, they will be able to tap deeper into themselves, but also deeper into their woman. As soon as you can tap deeper into your woman, then she can then guide you to a thus even deeper level of yourself that only comes from the divine feminine.

What needs to be understood about female orgasm is that if she does not feel safe emotionally and physically, then she isn’t going to open up. You may think your woman feels safe physically, but physical safety goes deeper than most people think. Have you ever entered her prematurely and caused pain? Have you ever not listened to her safe word? Have you ever used her pussy as Prozac? Then there could be some physical trust that needs to be worked on because if any of the above has happened, then a woman needs to re-learn physical safety in your lovemaking.

From an emotional safety perspective, your woman needs to feel she is able to open up in and out of the bedroom without fearing your reaction… this includes the reaction of complete shutdown. A shutdown man is just as emotionally traumatizing to a woman as a man that is screaming in rage. It is not safe! Emotional safety in the bedroom is allowing her to have her experience and express her experience. It is not you telling her what her experience is… that is actually manipulation and going to create emotional detachment in the relationship and possibly within herself.

Want a woman to lose connection to her orgasm? Continually tell her she is experiencing something she is not or that her perception of her experience is wrong. Again, we come back to listen to your woman. Inquiry is one thing, but let’s remember gentlemen that you have no idea what she is experiencing. You cannot tell another human being what is happening in their mind or body.

Although it is her responsibility to lean into her orgasm, and to do her personal work, it is YOUR responsibility to earn her orgasm. Earn her by being trustworthy, supportive, and emotionally present. It is not a blame game! It is a connection and opening game that must be played TOGETHER!

If you are a woman and want to learn to step deeper into your orgasm then check out the life-changing Instantly Orgasmic Woman Recorded Global Workshop to increase your pleasure, connection, and BLISS!

Not Just a Sexy New Fad. – Orgasmic Living is the Answer for Women & Men Alike

mirrorwomanLooking for a sexual awakening?

Every day I work with sexual unsatisfied men and women. Year’s ago when I started my practice 85% of  my clients were men in search of help for some sexual issue or looking for an intimacy surrogate.

I remember longing for the day that my clients would be more balanced between the sexes. As I worked with hundred’s of starving men who felt shameful  for their desires I learned repeatedly that the one true cure to these men’s issues were for them to find empowered women. Women who were strong, confident and very much in the feminine instead of what our society supports where women are to be more like men. Which only causes disconnectedness, more shame, irritation, divorce, lack of libido for both sexes, health issues, sexless marriages/relationships and shear sexual frustration.

What these men needed was a Turned On Woman!

When a woman is authentically turned on by life and confident in herself as she is, she can support the divine masculine. She has no need to compete with the men in her life nor does she have a need to be jealous over other women. She is powerful at her core and is lead by her pussy not her mind.

Now, I am sure some who read this wonder why the hell a woman would want to be lead by her pussy or why we should encourage this even? After all that sounds like I am saying that a woman should go out and live promiscuously. It sounds as though I am saying that her sexing is more important then her trade, morals, or family status even. It sounds as though I am saying BECOME A SLUT to women.

And in an essence, this is exactly what I am saying.

But why?

By embracing your inner slut through educated sexing and learning what true orgasm is as well as what true turn on is, a woman can become for better terms, enlightened. When she allows her pussy to lead she will be more creative in life, she will discover her authentic yes and no, she will feel interconnected, vibrant, hormonally balanced, and dare do I say HAPPY.

And what does every man desire his woman to be? Yeppers, happy. The only issue is that normally he is lead to believe that it is his responsibility to make her happy instead of her knowing how to make herself happy. Plain and simple, no one can make another person happy nor is it their responsibility to do this. An emotionally mature, empowered person (male or female)  who is proactive understands this reality.

So can a woman of our time become empowered, happy, hormonally balanced (without drugs), emotionally stable, and in love with life among other things?

“For those open to trying the latest new-age craze, orgasmic meditation may be just for you. OM, as it’s called among its followers, is a holistic practice between two people where a woman has her clitoris gently stroked for 15 minutes in a non-sexual way by a partner with a goal to building connections and prolonging therapeutic orgasms.

The stroking is said to activate the limbic system in the body ie. the emotional nervous system, releasing a flood of oxytocin—“the cuddle hormone”—which cultivates an orgasm. However, the practice is not about the destination, or reaching orgasm, but rather experiencing the journey and whatever sensation may arise. Thus, according to its founding company OneTaste, OM expands the most pleasurable part of the climax as part of a “goal-listed” practice.

“You wouldn’t expect accessing your clitoris could change your life, but it does,” OneTaste New York office director Kim Howerton told AlterNet. “OM involves a sexual practice that includes pleasure at times, but it’s not a practice that is designed simply about pleasure. It’s designed for enjoyment, living a better life and having a better experience. It’s the opposite of hedonistic—more of a personal growth path, than a pleasure-seeking path,” Howerton explained.

While OM has been around for 13 years, people only recently started to sit up and take notice of the offbeat practice after founder and guru Nicole Daedone appeared on a popular TED Talk. Daedone, a former Buddhist nun-in-training with her own semi-twisted story to enlightenment, established OneTaste with a mission to teach OM to the world after being introduced to it by a random man at a party.

Following Daedone’s TED appearance, OneTaste was able to get a host of celebrities on board to promote its cause. It was subsequently featured on Deepak Chopra’s 30 Days of Intent on the Chopra Well YouTube Channel,where the practice, targeted at “tired and wired women,” has been viewed over a million times. Daedone says that like Vitamin C, orgasm is a nutrient that has been missing from the standard human diet for centuries. On the scientific side of the process, OM shares a lot of the same traits as Zen Buddhism.”

(— Full Article can be read at Alternet.org)

IMG_2902 editWhy I Use Orgasmic Meditation in My Practice with Clients

Orgasmic Meditation (OM) has become a foundational practice for my work with clients. I truly view it as the beginning stages to helping a woman and even a man who learns how to stroke start to shed the many veils of illusion and shame from their lives. Blended with coaching (talk therapy) and bodywork this practice become a beautiful piece to an Orgasmic Life.

In working with men, women and couple’s, I teach the concept as well as the practice of Orgasmic Meditation (OM) to almost everyone of my clients. Many of my female clients who are healing body image issues, shame, guilt and trauma while they learn how to harvest a healthy relationship not only with themselves but with men again learn to desire their weekly OM Coaching session. This 90 minute appointment consists of 45-60 minutes of talk therapy then a 15 minute OM followed with 15 minutes grounding. During the course of this appointment we work through many exercises to help empower a woman and help her connect to her pussy, her desire.  Women who believe they have no desire to women who believe they cannot have an orgasm discover that they have an inner slut who wants to be heard. She is there and she can be very loud. As a woman learns to release the “good girl” image and get comfortable with her inner slut, she also discovers a desire to enjoy ALL of life orgasmically.

Embracing the inner slut can be one of the most scary things a woman can do in her life time. It takes great courage and desire for healing to go against the grain of everything that has been programmed in her from societies need to slut shame to church, state and family as well as even lovers conditioning her to see and think of herself in certain ways. All the programs that women fight with are not new, but thousands of years old, set in motion to prevent women from acknowledging their true gift.

Their Sex!

When we learn to embrace our sex, we learn that desire is healthy. Love is unconditional.

We get see the world and reality in a new light. One that reveals how fucking AMAZING life really can and should be.

Today 65% of my clients are future Turned On women. Will you be one?

Join me along with many other Turned On people on this empowering mission of living life, not just fully but Orgasmically!

Do You Have Gratitude For Your Sex? by Nikki Lundberg

The World English Dictionary defines gratitude as “a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for a gift or favors”.

Yes, gratitude is a feeling, but in my understanding it is so much more.  Gratitude can be an action and an attitude as well.  Now apply this to your sex.  Take a moment, a deep breath, and check in with your gut and your genitals.  When I do this I feel a sense of expansion in my pelvic region.

What do you feel? 

ball and chain of shameNow, reflect on your attitude toward your sex.  I have felt different ways about my sex at different times in my life.  Now is a time for noticing and not judging.  For most of my life and even sometimes nowadays I have not been grateful for my sex.  My desires don’t fit with what I’ve been trained to believe is good and acceptable.  There have been times that my appetite for sex and variety made me feel ashamed.  I’ve gotten very frustrated with myself for not being “normal”.  I’ve resented myself for a seeming inability to be satisfied with “normal”.  I’ve ignored my sex and tried to forget about it so I could be more “normal”.  I’ve settled for lackluster experiences so I wouldn’t hurt my partner.  I’ve compromised what was true for me so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the sometimes hard work of getting what I really want.  I’ve felt ashamed for using my sex to manipulate people.  I’ve been self conscious of the way my pussy looked or smelled and of how close it was to my anal area.

How has your attitude toward your sex and sexuality been? 

sex on the brainThink about your actions toward your sex.  My actions have not always shown my gratitude for my sex.  I’ve masturbated hard, even violently, to get it over and done with.  I’ve accepted touch from lovers that didn’t feel good – sometimes even hurt – and done nothing about it.

What have your actions toward your sex been?

5 Ways To Develop Gratitude For Your Sex

My path has been more extreme than some so I will share some of the principles and steps that I have integrated and taken along my journey to being grateful for my sex and sexuality.

  1. Willingness to have a better experience – Without the willingness to experiment and go through the experiences I never would have moved forward with my sexuality.
  2. Developing my relationship with my Higher Power – We have our own definitions of God.  Whether you subscribe to someone else’s definition or have developed your own, find a way to make your sex and sexuality right.
  3. Self reflection – looking inside myself and finding out how I felt about things.  Then, I look at the feeling and see where it’s from – it it’s really from within me or if it is something I feel because I think I should.  Getting honest with myself about what is okay with me and what is not.
  4. Sharing with others in a conscious way – There is a difference between doing something consciously vs. unconsciously.  For much of my life I was unconscious about my sex and when I did wake up about it a little bit I would quickly push it down so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  I didn’t know how to deal with it.  Now I know that by sharing – verbally, in writing and in person – while staying consciously aware of myself – my feelings, my actions and reactions – I love my sex more and more all the time and part of that love is feeling gratitude.
  5. Experimentation And Education – The more I know the more I know I don’t know.  The learning can go on for infinity just like the expansion of pleasure.  The two – learning and expanding pleasure – also go hand in hand.  The more you know about your sex the more you will be able to enjoy it.

 

READ Original Article Post at Nikki Lundberg

Nikki is is an expert in the field of sex education for adults based out out of Las Vegas NV.