IF YOU EVER LOVED ME.
If you ever loved me you would not let me hurt like this.
If you ever loved me you would rethink your actions.
If you ever loved me you would take the time to hear me.
If you ever loved me you would want to share.
If you ever loved me you would give me closure.
If you ever loved me you would make this all go away.
And so many other if you ever statements.
Boy, oh boy do I ever understand the pain of loss.
The pain of break up, divorce, seperation, being lied to and abandoned.
I understand how it feels when our worlds crash,
when our beautiful plans seize to exist,
and it all seems like it happens within a flash of time.
How can this other person who loves us,
or at least proclaimed that they did,
or at very least said that they cared,
just walk away?
How can they turn their backs to us and just keep on living their lives?
Don’t they care?
And so the story of love and loss goes on throughout all time.
And so our hearts expand and we are elated when those that we love are turned toward us,
and when they are no longer by our side we crash into pain and suffering. Feeling abandoned.
Feeling as though we spent all this time in a lie.
It just cannot be so.
It certainly is not fair or right,
and we don’t have it coming to us.
I mean how is it possible that this sort of thing could be of our own doing?
“THAT” other person made those decisions,
acted that way, said those things and lied to us,
after all. We would not bring this upon ourselves.
Well I can tell you this beautiful,
YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID BRING IT UPON YOURSELF.
One of two things happened.
Your vibe either went up past the other person or it crashed below them.
Either way it held there for a long enough period of time and was a great enough difference in frequency that the two of you were no longer in alignment and thus the relationship had to end.
So which direction did you go?
This is actually the important thing to question if you truly give a sh*t about your future and who you are.
If you love yourself that is.
And so many people just don’t.
Hope that this is not you though.
You can tell what direction you went by looking at your thoughts,
your feelings and your actions.
If you are the one who leveled up your frequency then this relationship transition will be pretty smooth and easy. You may be in pain, you may feel a tad lost, you may want closure even but at the end of the day you will recognize that the most loving this you can ever offer someone is space to expand, to be them and to have a beautiful life with or without you and in this case it means without you. That may be a stinger, but a high vibe soul will walk away in love and know that the lessons offered in that relationship were powerful, perfect and have helped them gain clarity in who they are and what they want. A high vibe soul will know that what they need to do now is turn their full attention to themselves and clearing out anything that no longer serves them from within.
A high vibe soul will be in appreciation and gratitude for the relationship and the break up.
Yep I said that.
Gratitude for the break up,
because they see its purpose.
However, a low vibe soul will flounder in pain, suffering and blame.
They will demand attention and stomp around like a three year old having a tantrum. They will act out in childish ways, trying to cause pain in hope of gaining attention from the one they lost. They will not be able to take responsibility for their part in the transition and they will feel as though they simply cannot move forward until the other person does this or that to clear things up for them.
They will focus on fear and they will want the other to feel pain as well.
They will not see the growth and opportunity that the transition brings with it, but instead see destruction and attack.
A low vibe soul cannot see past their own ego to find the love that was there in the relationship and still remains.
A low vibe soul is caught in their own inner hell where they will reside until they choose to view life differently and take responsibility for the events, thoughts and feelings that are all thiers. They will be destined to repeat the drama that they believe is happening to them over and over again, where they will mask themselves from their beauty, their core and alignment to God all in the concept that “it’s not fair.”
So you see beautiful,
It is very important that you know what direction you went in the transition. It says bundles as to where you are now and what you are manifesting for your future.
It shows just how much love you have for yourself and whether you understand how powerful you are.
Because you are powerful.
You co-created this transition for the purpose of becoming more of WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
No matter the direction you went ( up or down in frequency) this fact remains the same.
Now the only thing you need worry about is not if the other loved you, or still does, but if you love you enough to let go and thrive.
You are so f-cking worthy of a F-ck Yes! Life.
It’s time that you recognize that and see that ALL relationships are here to elevate you, educate you and clarify what you want and who you really are.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to kick 2021 off with a high vibe and call in the relationship of your dreams? Meet your soulmate and know that you really got this? Message me for deet’s on what I have in store to make just this happen and more for YOU.
I HATE YOU…. YOU EVIL PIECE OF SH*T!
I will show you my pain.
I will make you feel how badly you have hurt me.
I can’t believe you ever loved me.
I can’t trust you ever again.
You need to pay for what you have done.
I am broken because of you.
You owe me closure, explanations.
I want to hear it from your lips.
How dare you do this to us.
And so many other things that we say in the midst of break up and tossing our pain out there in the world at the ones that we proclaim to have loved and lost.
Often in break up we fall prey to the belief that we need to be a victim in the break up.
We want to appear the victim.
Or at least we think that we are the victim,
that we are not an active game player in the relationship destruction.
After all WE DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make it work.
It is the other person’s doing that things are crashing down.
It is the other person’s fault that we are hurting, lost, angry.
We blame the other person for the chaos, the violence, the hatred.
And something inside of us wants the other to feel piss poor about the break up and show their pain to us, fight us, antagonize us, maybe even beg for the relationship and want us.
Yes we want often in relationship break up to do the most painful thing we can think,
and that is to get our partner to want us back,
to get them to see their wrongs and then we want to CRUSH THEM.
And if they do not stand in the fight with us then we do everything in our power to instigate their pain and anger.
We antagonize, and we fully step out of alignment with who we really are.
In all of these ego based reactions to break up,
we forget the most important thing in the relationship.
We forget the two people who love each other.
We forget our hearts.
We forget our cores.
And we hand over ALL our personal power and self- respect by acting immaturely and acting out in rage and hatred.
We believe that we need to show how badly we are hurting,
how much our hearts desire to be united with this other person or how much we want and need them by leaning fully into our pain bodies and stepping away from WHO WE TRULY ARE.
And so we become a Taylor Swift song and we slash tires, throw bricks, carve our names in furniture and cars, flatten tires, destroy our lovers property, try to deface them through slander and attempt to destroy their worlds, their relationships by letting the world know our pain.
We act out and we attack.
Whether we are the one’s doing the breaking up or the one’s getting broken up with, often at least one party if not both believe that break up can only happen if they turn the other into a persecutor and themselves into a victim.
But folks THIS IS NOT LOVE.
And if you truly ever loved someone,
if you wanted and could see a life with that person,
if you had a life blossoming with them,
if you found yourself in your heart,
expanding, growing, exploring love and relationship,
and you want to do so much good for that person and for yourself then WHY do you want to dishonor the relationship, yourself, them and most importantly LOVE in this fashion of becoming a victim?
Emotional maturity in relationship is a powerful tool,
no matter the events occuring in the relationship.
If we have a strong standing in who we are as individuals and if we truly have self- love and respect then we may feel the anger, the pain but having emotional maturity and respect for self and for the love will guide us. We will also be able to see our role in the relationship break up.
Because there are no such things as victims in a relationship break up. Even in the worst break ups, where physical violence has occured ( and I have had this happen in my lifetime) we each play a role. We are active participants in the events that are happening to us.
Emotional maturity, spiritual maturity, maturity in general is about taking responsibility for self.
If you think you did not have that coming….
Think again love.
You are a co-manifestor to your reality.
You are an active creator to your life.
Your lack of knowing yourself and upholding who you are,
not doing your own internal work and getting right with YOU,
loving you unconditionally, accepting you unconditionally, lying to yourself and using your partner and others, life as a mask to your own internal issues,
PLAYED A MF BIG A*S ROLE IN THIS MOMENT.
In your pain.
The reality is this love…..
Break ups MUST happen in relationships that are OUT OF ALIGNMENT with the people who are in the relationship.
Relationships have expiration dates.
Even the lifetime one’s come to a physical end.
The sooner we humans get right with the fact that all relationships end, the better our relationships can be. The more fulfilling, loving and the more harmonious our breakups can be.
Imagine ending a relationship in love instead of hatred and pain?
Imagine two people loving themselves so much so that their love for each other and the relationship allowed them to end it in love as well.
And did not mean that they needed to destroy the other to prove their love.
Because destroying the other IS NOT LOVE.
It is ego.
And it is not love to self or honor of self either.
It is fear.
It is not soul based.
It is ego based and immature.
But instead imagine realizing that the relationship has served its time and purpose, finding gratitude for all this it taught you, openned you up too, brought into your life and helped you gain clarity around.
Imagine being in love with the time and lessons that were shared.
And knowing that its expiration was upon your doorstep, but that it did not mean that you had to be in pain or anger.
Instead that you could love this other person and yourself so much that you could let go and move forward in confidence that all things happen for a reason.
This is love.
And ending relationship in love uplifts both parties.
Ending relationships in love supports the lives and future relationships of both parties.
Ending relationship in love expands who we are,
heals us, opens us and is one of the greatest gifts that we can offer OURSELVES.
Imagine this relationship break up and ask yourself today,
How mature am I my relationships?
Do I take responsibility for myself in them?
Do I truly act from love or do I let my ego get in the way and become a victim?
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ready to elevate your love and life in 2021?
Ready to call in that soul aligned relationship that you cannot see past?
Let’s get you aligned to your core love.
Reach out to me for information on my 1:1 and group coaching programs starting in January 2021 and the early bird discounts for those coming later this month.
WE RISE AND WE FALL…
This is the cycle of love.
This is relationship.
We lean in and we reveal our deepest aspects,
trusting to be fully received, to be held and loved,
here in this space where we are willing to sacrifice ourselves so often to hold onto love,
to hold onto connection.
The feeling of love that whafts over us,
carries us and seems to heal our wounds,
heal our fears,
and make us have faith again in love,
in ourselves and in others.
The feeling of love has us want for more closeness,
makes us want to take away the space between ourselves and the the one we have put our attention toward,
we go deeper,
and we open in faith that this other human being will hold us safe no matter what,
we feel as though they will always choose us over anything else,
and we drift.
We drift into our delusions away from the truth,
away from our core,
away from reality and in this moment of believing that they will always choose us over even themselves,
we give away our power.
We lose ourselves.
And thus we lose the relationship.
For in the rise of what we call love,
we create our own suffering.
We cling to this other human making them our everything,
and we forget who we are.
Soon, we swirl and twirl within ourselves,
losing our footing,
and becoming whatever this other needs us to be,
instead of standing true to our core.
We start to lie to ourselves,
we tell ourselves that we do this or that for love,
that we must be something that we are not,
and that that is just how life is,
how love is and what is expected.
Our lies to self eat away at our core,
our spirit becomes enraged and feels suffocated,
but we continue the process of being,
being what our love needs of us.
Sharing our ideas,
sharing our hearts,
sharing our soul,
becomes less and less and we become a vessel of empty space,
empty space that leads to poison of the relationship,
of the love that we cherished so deeply.
And we fall.
What lifted us into the heavens,
what washed a smile over our face,
what lit us up and made us want for more,
now has us hiding.
Now creates pressure that we cannot breathe under.
And we fall into our own inner abyss,
fearful to share.
Fearful to damage,
fearful to hurt self or other by speaking our truth,
by leaning back into the space that we know we must go.
To stay alive,
to awaken from this pain body that we trapped ourselves in,
we must decide to choose us over the love,
over the other,
And we lean in.
We lean into the raggedy edge of loving self,
enough to be true to our core.
And so we stretch into the awkward space that we had abandoned,
the space of US.
Here in this container of our soul,
we retrieve the lost aspects of who we once were.
We tap back into knowing our core,
and without warning we breathe in and find our world crumbling.
The version of who we were for them, for the love that we had sacrificed ourselves for,
had believed their inauthenticity of loving us through anything,
of supporting us of being strong in our power,
in their claims of wanting all of us,
in holding us,
become clear once we choose coming home to self.
Coming back into alignment with soul.
Knowing our core and igniting ourselves from that space.
now that we are breathing,
now that we are feeling our core,
aligning back to soul,
it is no more,
and it appears that we are falling,
when in truth we are rising.
And what we were blind to was the reality that while we were choosing the relationship over our core,
that that was when we were actually falling.
True love is to lift us up to our greatest potential.
True love does not require us to step away from our core,
from our truth,
True love does not shame you for who you are,
true love not not desire to destroy what it fears,
because love does not fear anything,
least of all the rise of the soul.
To all those who sacrifice their core selves,
who step away from their soul and who they are,
in the name of love and have found themselves lost at the end of the day.
Love never expects you to be anything more or less then who you are.
Love expects you to love self first and most,
can hold your truth without reason or question and will never lie to you about its desires, or provide false hope in lieu of getting what it wants from you: You to conform to it.
Never second thyself.
And speak your truth even if it means goodbye.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”WE RISE
TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.
Today is a really interesting day for me.
It marks my one year of one of the most traumatic events I have had happen in a relationship so far. It also marks my one year of a massive transformation period, new growth and opportunity blended with trauma and needed healing.
Today I sit here at Starbucks after dropping my youngest son off to his father ( the man I fell out of relationship a year ago today).
It was brutal to drop him off today.
My heart actually still hurts from this mornings exchange.
Our son age four, ran to the back seat of my car as we pulled into daddy’s driveway and he screamed, “I don’t want to go to daddy’s house.” he got so frustrated, clung to the rear seat with all the force his little body could muster and screamed, “No Mommy.”
I grabbed him up, hugged him. Told him that I loved him and that I would see him later today and then he would be back at mommy’s house on Wednesday. He clung to my neck and fought profusely to hold on to me as his father took him out of my arms.
I never wanted any of this for my baby.
I don’t believe that any of us parents ever want this sort of emotional pain on our children. I don’t believe that my ex desires this trauma to come up on our son either.
And yet it still falls here.
Today, I find myself sitting here upset at my son’s pain.
Wishing I could do more for him.
Wishing that us adults who have brought this on him could have communicated better about what we wanted from each other and how we wanted out of our relationship before it came to violence as it did and a nasty, terrorizing breakup that will last a life time for our children emotionally not to mention the physical repercussions that are still being dealt with for myself.
I sit here still wondering how I could not have realized more so as to where my ex was at.
Wondering why he had to act out in violence and rage the way he did one year ago today.
Why it was so important for him to push me and all the children away with such extreme measures.
Why could he just not simply say that he wanted out and we move onto separate paths in peace and harmony, working together for the greatest good of all the children and each other.
I knew he was unhappy in our relationship.
I knew he wanted out.
He did not even desire to want to spend 30 minutes a week with me alone even though this had become a consistent request and desire of mine. He could not stomach to sit by me and watch TV, he wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sex that was two sided, only wanted to get off and be done. Would roll away in disgust after pushing me away like trash after he had reached climax.
He became rageful with friends and emotionally and physically aggressive toward his step-children. He was hateful and I told myself that he was stressed about work, money, health, anything but the truth was what I proclaimed.
The signs were there.
They were in front of my blind eyes and desire to make it all work for us.
The more committed I became to our relationship and requested time and connection,
the more he pushed away in anger.
a year later I see the truth.
I see his pattern that he had to enforce.
I see the pain that he must be in.
And I am grateful that even though that was a brutal time and experience,
even though there is still much healing that needs done for self and children.
I am grateful that I never lost who I was,
I never lost love,
I never lost my family or friends,
and I can do the healing and I understand at a deep level the power of emotions,
the importance of knowing self and NOT hiding from myself and feelings.
I am grateful that I was given a powerful opportunity last year to stand up and be 100% me.
The last year has offered me so many blessings that would have never come about had he not caved to his patterns and needs to push love away, to push so hard that he was the one to be abandoned in the experience by everyone. To repeat the trauma from his youth. And to create an experience that supported his belief that the feminine always leaves him.
I see now how he had to push that hard.
I am too stubborn to leave when I still love.
I believed it could be fixed,
I believed that he was not lying when he said that he loved me more than anyone else.
I strangely believed in us and in him.
today I stand in gratitude for the 7 years of learning,
of experience and growth,
for the birth of my two youngest angels that i would not trade for anything.
Today I stand here in gratitude for his push.
Busted up body and everything,
it was worth it.
Because I found my true strength.
I found my heart.
And tapped into allowing myself, to be me without needing another.
There is great beauty in the darkest of clouds if you allow yourself to see it and you allow time to step you back far enough to see the whole sky and it’s beauty.
Life is one BIG TRUST EXERCISE.
I am reminded of the trust and faith that I had to muster up at one of my lowest, scariest points in life so far.
Today, I choose to focus on that reminder.
To focus on the gratitude and the opportunities that have come from this event, like any event in our lives.
Today I choose to look at my blessed life.
The steady massive love that I experience from family, friends and the wonderful man I have in my life currently.
The AMAZING tribe that I have developed and all the growth that I am seeing in my business and life.
The wealth of connection, joy and the laughter that resides in my home daily that was not there a year ago or before.
My creativity at an all time high.
The beauty and bounty that is in each step on this journey.
Today I want to say THANK YOU to the man that tossed me to the side last year, who tried to destroy me and all that we had built together.
From that rubble grew a rose garden.
MY ROSE GARDEN.
Thank you for my pain.
Thank you for my suffering.
Thank you for the trauma.
Thank you for the goodbye.
I am so effing happy with my life TODAY!
My question to you that I share this with today is,
what are you doing with your trauma, drama and pain? Does it hold you back or build you up?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
It’s time that you start to say YES to the most important person in the room beautiful. It’s time that you accept your worth, and step onto this path that your SOUL is calling you too.
I know how hard the steps may appear.
I know that you are fearful, that you doubt if you have what it takes to make this shiz happen for you or not.
But I promise you that YOU can do it.
You can have it.The first step though is to recognize that you must let go and have faith in your process of getting there.
Listen to your SOUL and follow it’s lead.
Imagine having a coach who has been on a similar path guide you, help you discover the deeper meanings of what soul is wanting you to know.
What would it feel like to have that sort of support and guidance?
You can have this.
Message me for deet’s on 1:1 Private mentoring and coaching today.
Open and Shut.
The lesson of my year.
When this year got started I looked at it and just knew that it was going to be transformational.
Now I am not an overly superstitious person or one that listens strongly to “hocus pocus” sorts of things, but I do pay attention to energy and take it all in.
Born in the year of the fire dragon according to Chinese astrology, the year of the dog that we are in typically brings in relationship transformation items for me.
You can call this bogus, and I often do myself in my own head.
Questioning things as they do not line up to my logical, scientific, realist thinking and understanding, however there are times that I see that these “mystical, spiritual” sorts of things actually do shine a light on potential energy of the moment.
This all being said, the year of the dog has proven once again to be a year that is reorganizing my life in ways I never anticipated.
The last year of the dog I told my now ex-husband that I wanted a divorce.
This year both my over 6 year intimate relationships came to an end suddenly and friendships are changing right before my eye’s as well. My family is growing in number, orchestrating itself, I feel pulled away from my mother and I am questioning some relationships that are lingering.
The year of the dog is all about relationship.
And for us dragon’s it reveals the truth in these areas.
Change is always difficult.
The feeling of loosing those who have been closest to you is never easy and is painful at a level that I do not believe I have words to express.
Yet I am reminded in these times of relationship transformation, the wisdom and comfort of Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
” To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.”
As I move through this year,
I feel my ego wanting me to shut the doorways on life,
to fully retract from things that I enjoy,
form the relationships that I do have,
or to shut down from the people that I am in a relationship transformation with.
I have observed that as these changes occur that my fellow transformation warriors often choose to shut themselves down and out.
Making what seem’s like a public display of their pain by closing the doors to what not is, but what could be.
The pain of transformation effects everyone differently,
and I am not proclaiming that there is any right or wrong way to go about it.
It is nothing more than a noticing of these times.
My way has always been about opening.
Just because a relationship is evolving,
just because new boundaries are being established,
just because truths have been spoken,
and hearts revealed,
that in my humble opinion does not mean that one must shut down to the relationship and close it fully out UNLESS,
That is that the vibration between souls is so great of a difference that they cannot co-habitat in any fashion or sense.
Then a full closing must happen.
At least for a time frame.
In this case, I am reminded of the wisdom ,
“Time heals all wounds.”
I use to say this was rubbish.
But now in my 40’s I know that it is truth.
I have had my heart broken in many ways,
by those I never thought would and I have done my fair share of breaking of other’s.
This process will never end,
but what I have learned is that over the course of time,
Time will heal the woulds.
Time allows for us to move if we desire from a state of closed to a state of open.
It allows us to educate ourselves about the lessons that we practiced in these past relationships and to expand ourselves more, yet always offering a deeper realization of ourselves.
Relationship is all about us meeting ourselves at a more intimate level.
Our relationships with others reveals to us our internal relationship with ourselves and with God.
As we step forward on this path of transformation,
we find our guidance here.
The steps we are to take will be lit by blessings that will guide us and desires that will call to us.
Do we choose to open or shut to them?
The answer to this question makes all the difference on our path of understanding and healing.
We are always being offered a choice.
It is always ours to make.
What manifests in our life experience comes from these choices and the energy of opening or shutting in any given moment.
It is truly only by leaning into love,
and remaining open through the pain of the transofmration,
that we expand to our deeper self.
In loving gratitude for all those relationships through my life that have offered these lessons and I have been able to take part in. May we all move toward a deeper union with our truth.
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.