I got this for you.
I got you this thing.
I got you this thing that I had to get you.
I am sure you will love it.
I know you will.
I got this for you.
It’s my favorite,
and is your’s now too.
Oh you said that you like that.
And so I it is true.
That now all you want,
is this thing.
Over and over,
I will never venture out.
I am not looking at what you say,
all I can focus on is making sure that you have this thing till you want it no more.
I love you.
I like you.
I adore you.
I cannot get enough of you.
And so it must be so,
that you too,
feel this thing I am feeling,
and want it as much.
I desire this to happen,
I crave it so much,
My mind wants to devour you,
as my body wants to taste and feel.
I cannot hear your words of denial,
I cannot allow myself to pay heed,
you must want this too.
It is a gift that I give you.
And even though you say no,
I know that you want this.
Because it is true.
Your words are like nails on a chalk board,
why do you argue with me?
Your silence is deafening,
why don’t you give thanks for all that I do?
It must mean more to you.
I must be with you.
I know that you feel something,
you say it is nothing,
you say it cannot be so.
I love you.
I adore you.
I want more of you.
So it is this way.
My desire has me blinded.
My hunger has me deaf.
My heart pains at your denial,
so I will show you,
yes I will.
I know that you will love it.
I know it will be so.
Just give me this moment.
To absorb all you are.
Stop making such a big deal of it.
Why are you hiding over there?
I know that you will love it.
So let me show you my dear.
You make me feel so alive.
You make me smile with your presence.
You make me feel superhuman,
so accept this gift I am giving.
Accept this “love” I am offering.
Stop denying it.
You know you want it.
You know you love it.
You like it.
You want it.
A tale I hardly speak of is the tale of being a rape survivor,
however I wish to express this today as when I walk through this world, I see so many rapes in so many different fashions.
The above is a share that was activated by a trigger from someone in my life recently.
Although there was no harm done,
although I am certain that there was no intent of such,
not even a trigger.
I find it my mission, to speak out loud and have a voice for all those who cannot.
So bare with me here,
as what I am saying may possibly cause you ill feelings,
for your guilt as much as any other human for the rape offenses that we all have made and played down without notice to the messages of ego shared.
No matter what it is.
No matter the gift.
Not all gifts are gifts you see,
for a gift can only truly be received in love when the receiver desires the gift,
wants for it some way,
or truly is something that speaks their name.
But, many a gift has nothing to do with the receiver,
and everything to do about the giver,
who longs to be seen.
To be accepted.
To be loved.
At all cost they will go.
Not noticing the one that they love.
They place their hunger before the heart of another.
No matter the event,
no matter the intimacy shared.
If it is not two sided in wanting,
then it is nothing more than a taking.
You think it is romantic,
you think is sweet,
you think is no big deal,
but when we steal an intimacy with another,
we ignore all that they are.
We crave more for our desire.
We fear more about our pain,
our rejection of not getting,
of not having or experiencing,
what we want is all that matters,
and so we paint a picture of what will be and ignore all the strokes of anything different.
a tender touch you see.
All can be innocent and precious,
but when not wanted they are a trespass.
Just as the gift that one might give that is not desired,
can be nothing more than a nuisance.
A problem you see.
We trespass others in so many ways.
From touches to things.
Be aware is all that is stated here.
A lesson for me and you.
We all are guilty of taking.
Ask yourself this,
“This action, this thing, these words that I share: are they from my desire to have what I want or give what is wanted?”
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There you go again.
Chasing everything that you don’t want because you got caught up in everyone else’s stuff.
Thinking that, that is what you should do if you love them.
And what has happened to you love?
Oh, I know….
you lost yourself.
Yet again you forgot about the most important person in your life.
You forgot to make time and space for you.
And look what has come of it.
Your world is in chaos.
Your exhausted and overwhelmed.
You are running on empty.
And as much as you want to point a finger outward,
and say that they made you do it.
Say that you had no choice.
You know that it is bullsh*t!
So what are you going to do about it?
You may want to put your head down and force your will.
You may want to fully retract yourself from everything and go into hiding.
You may think that you cannot stop this cycle and that you have to just keep on going.
You may still believe even that you need to do that.
But the reality,
is far from what you think it is love.
The reality is that it is HIGH time that you PAUSE and take a moment for YOU.
At all cost too.
Because the other cost’s are far too great if you let them manifest into existence.
I mean if you keep doing what you are doing,
what do you think will end up happening?
Suddenly things will change on their own?
Suddenly someone will stop everything and say, “Hey, no don’t keep doing all of this for me and everyone else, let me carry that for you, and you just go take a holiday for yourself…”
That is laughable.
And it won’t happen.
Because you are not allowing it to happen.
Because you somewhere in your crazy thinking and feeling believing that it cannot happen and that you don’t deserve it to happen,
even though at your core,
if you ask yourself what you truly want,
you may be shocked to discover that you believe and almost expect that someone will come save you from the choices that you are making and from the actions that you are taking and all that you are carrying.
And if you get really real with yourself you may even feel some anger or bitterness around this.
I mean look at all that you are doing for everyone else.
You do it all.
You carry all that load for everyone,
and surly they will notice.
Surely they will see it and want to say thank you.
Not just say thank you,
but REALLY say THANK YOU.
And then you will be happy!
this has got to sound a bit whacked to you.
I mean you know logically that it is not so.
You know that ONLY YOU can make the changes in your life that are needed.
I mean you get that you are responsible for your life.
I hope you do.
Because that is the only f-cking way out of this mess you have yourself in.
The only way out of it,
and the only way that you will be happy,
and feel confident, strong, and in love with your life and yourself is IF you,
Claim your LIFE TODAY.
And claiming your life is more than just just talking about it.
It is actually meaning it at a deep SOUL LEVEL.
And then HONORING that and taking the steps that you are called to take despite everyone else.
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Isn’t that right Baby?
This is the THING,
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So Listen Damn It.
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
And the BIG one:
But that wow moment quickly crept into, “WTF! How did that happen and who hacked my account?”
Stop trying to control everything.
Let go of what you can, so you can BE-DO-HAVE more.
Stop Existing & Start Living
” A gift unopened is a gift not valued.”- KW
” There I lay with my legs spread wide open as I looked my lover in the eye’s. He was sweating, heated, passionate. Full of arousal and pleasure. His turn on was fulfilling at a deep level. With every thrust of his cock I could sense that this experience was beyond his anticipation and I was honored that I could gift him with it. As he thrusted himself into another’s woman pussy and she was devouring mine I could tell that the sheer act that I would be open to another woman going down on me and to make matters even more divine that she would be eating me out while he was having his way with her doggy style and getting to watch her enjoying me was by far the best Christmas present I could have come up with.
As she gasped for air and moaned from her pleasure and turn on he too became more aroused and leaned deeper into his own pleasure. From my vantage their joy and pleasure were beyond beauty. I found myself caught not in pleasure, not in rapture or orgasm of the physical realms but that of a deep emotional love for this man. In this moment I truly was not body present, if anything I was physically turned off from my own orgasm, but what I had discovered was a sexual giving that could not be touched and a beauty and appreciation for this world and our sex that I did not understand prior.
The adventure moved forward and before long I found myself in a 69 position with this woman and my partner now taking turns fucking her pussy up close and personal not more that a few inches away from eyes and face and then occasionally pulling out of her and thrusting deep into my mouth. Every time he switched from pussy to mouth or vise versa I could see the pulsing energy of his cock expand and he wanted so badly to take all that he could out of this moment. Once again I found myself hearing her moans, feeling her body on top of mine, her breathing changing and her body quivering, her pussy dripping with juices and wanting more but I could not feel her tongue, her lips and fingers as they danced along my vulva and found themselves in me. No, once again I was not able to truly drop down into my body and feel what was happening. But I could feel the high orgasmic energy of my partner and of our playmate. In this instance I found a new arousal yet again, it was a sort of mystery and joy combined in some sexual dance as I watched his cock and balls penetrate and slap up against her and then felt him not just quiver but literally vibrate as he penetrated my mouth. Holding his very hard cock deep in my throat, just past that tight spot I could get little gasps of air as he pulsed and moaned. This, this made me aroused. This activated me some.
Before long I was now on my back, our playmate sitting back sharing how great her view was. My pussy wide open before her and my partner now between my legs now taking me fully while she watched and masturbated to our live lovemaking scene. I could hear her moan, I could smell her in the room. His groans and growls with his ever deepening penetration was a turn on but once again, it was a mental and emotional turn on, it was a deeply intimate affair that made my heart leap with joy but my orgasm was no where to be found physically.”
This was a small take away from my first ever threesome with another woman. I had decided that I was going to gift my partner with something that he had always desired. A fantasy of his and I was over joyed that the whole experience was so beautiful. I still hold so much gratitude to the woman that we chose to share this moment with and who helped to deepen our intimacy as a couple. I wanted to gift the man I love with something I knew he had never been given and I was ecstatic that I was a woman who was willing to play in territories that were not always comfortable or about myself. I had not always been this way, my self-doubt, guilt, shame and concepts of giving and receiving had changed tremendously through the years and still do from time to time as I learn about myself and my own needs and desires. However I can say that the ability to share oneself without a need to receive is something that I cherish in myself. I also cherish the fact that I am extremely comfortable stating my boundaries and desires as well as needs in these areas.
As much as I love to give without receiving I also am not afraid to ask for what I desire. I have learned that giving of this nature can only happen when I myself am in a state of fullness and even better if my cup runneth over with orgasmic bliss already, as in these times are when I am not only willing to give and excited about it, but I want to give freely. In such moments I find my orgasm in others. I feel it when they express their joy, their pleasure. I feel my turn on not in the physical but in my heart and I experience a deeper layer of orgasmic living through this. These moments to me are very unsexual. They are playful education that help me remain in a state of acceptance, appreciation and openness.
This is where one’s willingness and wanting come together in a perfect dance to share love with someone in a special format that is not often understood by any of the parties in the moment it is happening. This is sharing of the unconditional sort.
Willingness Vs. Wanting
We all think that we understand the difference of these two. It seem’s pretty simple. Does it not?
“I am willing to help you move this weekend even though I actually want to just crash and veg on the couch because I am exhausted from the week.”
“I want to go to see Doctor Strange but am willing to see Moana instead.”
These are simple things to see the act of willingness with. The act of giving to another and not doing exactly what we want in the moment so that another can have pleasure with us, or through us or accomplish something that they might need or want to but would like our help with. This does not make the person receiving self-centered. It does allow them to be selfish though and selfishness is not a bad thing as long as we are willing to be grateful for it, give back when possible and do not ever put another into a situation of harm or trauma.
When we are self-centered we tend to not be concerned about others. In these times we express our desires for what we feel are our needs or wants and we do not stop to think about the cost to others, nor do we care. When we are self-centered we are like a bull in a friends china shop and we disregard everything but what we are focused on. We also typically do not allow for space to occur for someone else to make a decision of how they feel or if they want, are willing or otherwise around whatever we are pushing for.
Let me share a brief story to help clarify self-centeredness in sexing:
A few years back I worked with a couple and the main spiff they had was around anal sex. The man loved anal sex and the woman occasionally liked it but most of the time was not interested as it was not her major turn on and she had even been hurt during it a few times. The husband could not understand why his wife would not always enjoy this practice so he thought that if he insisted on doing it more consistently and “assured her” that she liked it during the process that she would get a clue and start to enjoy it as much as he did.
When I spoke to the husband he always shared his concern that she was not understanding how great this act was or her own pleasure. He was convinced that her complaints were false and that for some reason she was just trying to take away his pleasure. When I spoke with the wife she shared that it hurt horribly and his aggressive nature, lack of asking her if she was wanting or even willing to play like this caused her a lot of stress. She was ready to pull the plug on the marriage if it continued. And she did in the end. The husband was shocked that she would divorce him for asking for what he wanted and it being such a small matter at that.
This couple shares a true tale of one partner being self-centered and ONLY concerned about his own pleasure and gratification. To the point of insisting that his wife did not understand what was happening with her own body and emotions.
That is not selflishness though!
Selfishness is another animal all together. We miss use the word all the time and therefore tend to wrap guilt and shame around something that is actually needed and we should have more of.
Selfishness is when we ask for what we need. Selfishness does not mean that we will always get what we are asking for or that we should, it simply says that we know that we need something and that we know that we need to take care of ourselves. If we need another to help us fulfill this then we need to ask for it but if we can achieve it without another or can look elsewhere then often it is more than okay to do this as long as we remain in openness and integrity.
An example of being selfish would be:
After I had my seventh child I was having a really tough time gaining feeling back in my vaginal walls. It took me almost twice as long as previous postpartums. That did not stop my libido though, but the over tiredness and toddler who slept between my partner and myself plus the newborn did not make for the best of grounds for getting back in the saddle. On top of it when my partner and I had sex I could hardly feel him and could not orgasm. This all started doing a mind fuck on me and I found myself not interested in sex with my partner the way that I wanted to be. I knew that I was depleted of orgasmic energy and all the good hormones that get released and help support our bodies emotionally, mentally and physically when we are full on orgasm. I knew that if I did not get this soon that I would sink into depression even further and my old programs would have a better grip on me than normal. I knew that if I did not take care of myself and frequently that I would loose so much of myself and not be able to give to the world any more. So I took matters into my own hands and got SELFISH!!!!
I masturbated every morning. Being in an open relationship also allowed me to ask for more sex with not just my one partner but to pull in my other partner as well and start working my orgasm out in anyway possible. I asked my partners to go down on me, I asked to use toys, I even created some hot scenes that were playful and shared them and said that I wanted to try them. From someone looking in they may have said, ” This woman is a sex addict, she needs help, she is not thinking about anyone but herself.” They would have been right about one thing, I needed help, I needed to help myself and be selfish and I needed support from those who loved me.
Wanting, willing and taking. When we fully understand the differences we should be able to see the positive and negative that they all carry with them, just like anything in life.
Sometimes our wanting is so strong that it makes us forget about others. Other times our wanting is an act of sharing or a desire that we hope will be granted or at least heard in love and acceptance so that we can feel closer and more seen.
Our willingness is often based on one of three things:
*Love or care for another
The last two are based in fear and not even acts of selflessness, but acts of victim-hood and an inability to stand up for our own needs and boundaries. The first is based in love and often is unconditional and if it is conditional we are quick to set our terms.
When we speak of taking, it sounds so mean. Like we are stealing something or causing harm to another by taking. This is only sometimes true. Once again look at the motive behind the act. Look at the act itself. And most importantly realize that in any healthy relationship that one can ONLY take what is offered otherwise it is not a healthy relationship to start with. If you are taking without being offered then you need to examine your actions and realize that you are causing trauma. If you take something that is being offered authentically with no ill emotional back lash (i.e. guilt) then you are honoring your relationship and the gift bestowed upon you.
We take forcefully and we also take what we are being gifted. Ask yourself which it is and then choose wisely.
Honor those you love through the act of unconditional sharing and through the art of receiving. Remember that the gifts given that are unconditional are often the most beautiful.
6 months have passed…
Every part of my mind, body and soul are being awakened and guided to new places that I thought were reserved for only a few fortunate ones.
Kendal Williams wrapped her love and knowing around me one cold dark winter evening as I sat in a coffee shop across from her and poured out my tired and broken story. Through tears, I saw her gentle, knowing smile and heard TRUTH for the first time in my life.
Kendal has a style of coaching that is honest and direct, with constant support, through the lovely as well as the ugly. She listens, explains, shares, guides and directs with uncanny intuition and a wealth of resources.
The very next day, as promised, I received an email with a list of all we discussing, complete with easy-to-follow links for every article, person, website, and resource! My journey now includes work with her partner, Scott/Authentic Living as well as her daughter with Photography in Wonderland.
6 months have passed….and I am a new goddess
~who enjoys feeling and seeing my own body
~who asks for what I want
~who holds sensation without disconnection
~who can breathe energy into any part of my being
~who is learning to love without boundaries
~who loves self first
~who is expanding sexuality
~ who is committed to this work of transforming
I have open mind, body & soul for the next steps in my life journey with Kendal & Company as my guide.
— Laura N. Dallas, Texas (Orgasm Coaching for Women Client 2015)
After being in a nine-year committed relationship with someone who was painfully avoidant I have learned to spot the patterns of avoidance in my clients and the couples with whom I work with a keen eye. I see it come up even in the people who apply to my programs or reach out to me in the ways they do not show up for calls or respond when I take their application seriously and they may have had something else come up. I prefer the direct approach. Just tell me “no.” I have great respect for women who can stand firmly in their knowing and in their “no.” But usually, people avoid saying “no” because they think it will hurt the other person.
Avoidant people almost always manage to partner with someone who is the opposite of avoidant. Avoidance will generally mean that you will not get your needs met or feel seen and heard in a relationship, because it ultimately will require others to read your mind or figure out what is going on without you telling them. That puts a lot of responsibility on others for you getting your needs met. And they might not see what you need them to see.This is a set-up for all involved.
People develop patterns of avoidance for a whole variety of reasons.
- Protection from abuse. An emotionally overbearing or violent parent/home situation that you need to protect yourself from.
- Insecurity. Deep insecurity that tells you if you make yourself really small, no one will notice you and you’ll skate under the radar (again, to “safety”).
- Communication ability. You didn’t learn communication skills that would have you learn how to ask for what you need and want in a healthy way.
- Unmet needs. Not getting your needs met and feeling you perpetually will not get them met; so you cease asking, which turns into avoiding asking because the “no” you got over and over was so painful.
- Gender role conditioning. Gender roles that teach men to dodge and not directly address feelings. Gender roles that teach women they should take care of everyone else and forsake their own needs.
- Role modeling. You were taught not to complain, “rock the boat,” or make demands; and at least one of your parents is also avoidant and modeled that behavior for you.
Typically, a truly avoidant person will have several of these. For instance, you could have a violent father and an avoidant mother and your needs rarely got met. “No” was a mantra in your family. Or you had traditional gender roles in your family and your mother was care-taker to everyone and didn’t get her needs met so you learned that too, and maybe she was also incredibly insecure; and you took on the same insecurity and need to care-take everyone else so that you could feel worthy of even having a seat at the table.
Avoidance in Adult Relationships
You learned your avoidance patterns in an honest way in a home life where you had unmet needs, felt unseen or uncared for, or were conditioned not to rock the boat. Is that serving you in your adult relationships? I think it’s rare that consistent avoidance is healthy.
Avoidance can be healthy as a survival technique. It helps you get out of harm’s way. As a way of being in adult relationships it will land you in unhealthy dynamics, with unmet needs and increasing resentment.
How Avoidance Shows Up
There are so many ways avoidance shows up in relationships. Here are some common ways it can show up in a romantic/sexual relationship and typical alternative behaviors:
- Not setting boundaries and then passive-aggressively expressing them another way. (Or not at all, resulting in a build-up of frustration and resentment.)
- Not wanting to have sex but being afraid to say it so you do things to sabotage sex rather than just to talk about it openly knowing your “yes” and your “no” will both be heard and respected.
- Wanting sex but not asking for it directly, so you find indirect or passive-aggressive ways to get your sexual needs met.
- Wanting a different kind of sex, stimulation, touch, or emotional presence from your partner without being able to ask for it, resulting in disappointment and frustration.
- Not feeling like you can set limits or help direct the pace of sexual interactions, exploration, or terrain.
- Not knowing how to break-up when you are ready so you sabotage the relationship in other ways or stay in it way too long.
- Doing things you really are not into just to make your partner happy.
- Keeping yourself, your needs, your wants and your demands small, if not invisible, which completely disempowers you in a relationship.
If you recognize these avoidant patterns in yourself, it’s time to change them. It is not a simple task because you probably have a life-long pattern to overcome. But it is absolutely possible. I’ve watched women transform how they show up in relationships by addressing their avoidance, people-pleasing, passive-aggression and inability to communicate. Should you answer the call to take up more space, make more demands, and know that you have that right, it will absolutely change your life and your relationships. You will be able to fulfill your own desires and find people who are with you in that fulfillment.Avoidance will never equal fulfillment.
Article By Amy JoGoddard
When you experience, as I did, two or more of your male poly lovers simultaneous entering you in tantric oneness, you open your inner stargate, touch the face of God and remember your source. As you embrace two or even three magic wands, the lingams (as we call penises) with your most sensitive inner sensual shrines, you feel ecstasy, get total personal and transpersonal recall. You drop concepts of physics, science and religion and instead zoom, as your multidimensional self, through space and time. You and the beloveds entering you merge with divinity, source of all inchoate forms. Home, you experience everything everyone told you as illusion and, at the same time, truth.
I had my double penetration satori the third night at a month-long love-in Sasha and I hosted for nine lovers (five women and four men) on Maui. We’d filled half our spacious living room with colorfully-covered mattresses. Two of the women were new to us, but we’d vetted them carefully and knew we’d go deep with them.
Awkward at first, all nine of us eased into nude housekeeping and, by the third evening, lovemaking.
Up to that third evening together, I’d shared some tantric breath, fondling, kissing and genital honoring with some, but I mostly made passionate love with Sash. We nine morphed from one kamasutra-like sexual configuration to the next.
. As Sasha lay on his back, I lowered myself onto his wand. We held each other’s gaze, then tongue-kissed; our tongues stroked sacred erotic sectors in each other’s mouths.
As I opened my cave and took him inside, hugging his wand with my yoni (vagina), I again got who Sash and I truly are: ancient lovers in modern form. I saw, in the mirror, my tiny, porcelain-like body draped over his deeply tanned athletic form.
As we moved our pelvises in our eternal rhythm, Sash delicately tapped, then probed my rosebud (as we call the anal opening) with his finger, preparing me for delights to come. My amrita (female ejaculate) flowed and we sang out in the rising momentum of our lovemaking.
Then new hands, not Sasha’s, reverently caressed my bottom. I turned and saw Woody–our beautiful slender, blond, long-time lover ask me with his eyes to join us. “Yes, please,” I invited.
I leaned forward, breasts against Sasha’s chest. Woody, from behind me, eased his wand to where Sasha and I joined genitals. I opened my amrita-lubricated yoni to let Woody’s wand snuggle in, a millimeter at a time, next to Sasha’s Both lingams fully inside, I squeezed my pc muscles on them and they both swelled within me. I felt the electricity of Woody’s and Sasha’s wands against each other as both gradually expanded deeper into me. I quivered as waves of bliss radiated from my yoni where my guys’ penises pulsed. Waves of bliss became a continuously pulse of pleasure for all three of us as Sasha and Woody’s penises reached my A- spot, the erogenous area next to my cervix. The three of us lost our separate self-senses, experienced triadic consciousness.
I’d heard that some sages achieve pure grace, but never believed I could while alive. But here I was in continuous euphoric bliss, one unending Oneness.
Allness engulfed not only Sash, Woody and me, but also the others on our giant mattress. All nine of us shared this divine space and joined our sacred worship of the magnificence of the Universe. I felt the cosmos open. Floor, walls, ceiling, all physical things dissolved. We nine shed the time/space continuum and stood in the stars. The void embraced us, absorbed us in the magnificence of creation and simultaneous stillness. Even the solar winds paused to hear the divine prayer in the form of our loving congress. All that there is, was and will be witnessed us as we reunited with Source. I was the orgasm, the orgiastic energy, the divine spark that created us all.
You too can use group synergy, tantric lovemaking, polyamorous merging and multiple penetration to achieve the state of pure Sex Magick necessary to take women to this divine state needed to heal the world. With the intention of pure love and respect for life and all consciousness, we can shift the Morphogenic Field and create higher love and light. Together we stop war, pollution, overpopulation, disease and hunger. Our natural state is loving oneness.
Multiple loving allows us to feel oneness and is instrumental in providing Earth and all her peoples a civilized civilization that respects all life. Through our love, we give every one of us the peace, love, dignity and grace we deserve.
Excerpt from Janet’s book: POLYAMORY, MANY LOVES: The Poly-Tantric Lifestyle