Weak Boundaries? No Problem. Do These 2 Things to Overcome Your Shiz NOW!

You have a lack of boundaries with yourself beautiful.

Say what?

Your boundaries for self SUCK.
You cannot even deny it.
You may be under the impression that you got all your shiz together,
that boundaries are goofy or not really needed,
I mean you hear people say all the time with pride that they have none,
or perhaps you have what you consider very hard boundaries,
but baby I got news for you.
Porous or solid,
your self- boundaries suck.

And here is my observation and reasoning for you.

You refuse to commit.
You refuse to stay consistent.
You refuse to do the DAMN THING that you KNOW you must do for yourself.
You keep turning your back on YOU.
And then you have the gumption to b*itch about it and proclaim,

I took that class…
I got that help…
I tried that…
I had patience…
I pushed myself…
I focused on that…
I did that meditation, journaling, “work”….

I did it,
BUT….
“IT” did not help me.

“IT” did not give me the results that I wanted or expected it too.

Okay beautiful,
you are full of crap right now.
This is all bullsh*t!

“IT” whatever “IT” is or was has NOTHING to do with you having success.

The thing that determines your success is YOU.
Doing this THING that you “tried” is not ever going to get you the results that you want.

“IT” is support, education, a new viewpoint, system, guidance to help you achieve what you want IF….

YOU do the damn THING that you need to do.

And that THING is COMMIT.
That thing is staying consistent.

COMMITMENT + CONSISTENCY
to YOU beautiful.

And what does that look like? 🤔

➡️It looks like you getting up in the morning and stretching,
breathing into your beautiful body and feeling the gratitude that your body supported your life all night without any conscious effort from you instead of dreading the day ahead.

➡️It looks like you NOT choosing to look at the money you do not have in your bank account before you drink your first morning coffee or shower.

➡️It looks like you applying your focus to positive affirmations instead of looking at the bank account.

➡️It looks like you expanding your knowledge around things that turn you on instead of spending your time with things that drain you.

➡️It looks like you believing that you are worthy of love, success, a beautiful body, abundance and safety instead of focusing your fear on the opposite.

➡️It looks like you committing to YOU and not being the people pleaser that you feel you need to be in order to feel connection, love and gain success in any subject of your life.

➡️ It looks like you not making excuses about your money, your emotions, your responsibilities, your health, your support, your time, your vibration or the economy and JUST DOING THE DAMN THING!

➡️It looks like you being strong in who you are and what you want instead making allowances for being weak and stupid and letting your fears and worries dictate you results.

That is what it looks like beautiful.

But no one,
no program,
no coach, educator, marketing system or therapist,
no healer or medication,
no system,
no nothing…

But your COMMITMENT + CONSISTENCY can get you this.

So back to those boundaries that you seem to be having issues with and you want to ignore so fiercely.

Back to making some things nonnegotiable to your life and how you choose to show up and claim it.

Back to getting real and raw,
that is the hard thing.
That is the challenge.
To recognize and accept that YOU.
you are the one holding the map.
It’s your decision what way to go each step of your path.
And even when you feel like you have some great reason as to why you are going a direction that you know is out of alignment,
that ONLY YOU are making that decision.
And it is NEVER forced on you.
You CHOOSE how you react to any given experience or moment in your timeline.
You CHOOSE what you apply your attention and energy too.
You CHOOSE what you commit too.
But always remember that…

YOU ARE COMMITTING TO SOMETHING.

Where does your commitment lie?

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

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I have been in those shoes before all too many time.
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You Don’t Own My Sex!

You don’t own my sex!
You think that you want to own my sex. 
You believe that it is love based.
You have been told that if someone loves you that they will not need, desire or be with anyone else. 
You think that ownership is love. 

But since when is slavery of any sort love?
Relationship slavery, 
sexual slavery is no more love than is
to brand and tag another human being and sell them to the highest bidder as though they are live stock.

That may seem offensive to some. 
It may seem extreme to others. 
I am pretty sure that many are flabbergasted in this moment that anyone would say such a thing in today’s world. 

But seriously, owning someone else in any fashion or form is NOT LOVE.

And I can tell you that you have no right to own another persons sex.

It’s far more than the genitals that I speak of here. 
It is one’s core.
It is one’s creative energy.
It is one’s soul.
Their guidance system if they are tapped into it. 
Our alignment to life, 
to our path, 
and all that we can be stems from this place within ourselves. 

Our sex. 
It hubs all that we are. 
It is our primal, 
passionate, 
truth.

Our GPS.

And you think that it is loving to own. 
That it is loving to sign over the papers to such a thing.
That it is someones duty, 
or a rightful expectation to demand that one give this to anyone?

Really?

May I challenge those of you who read this and want to spout back some negative comment, 
some biblical quote, 
some moral statement as you believe it to be, 
may I challenge you to ask yourself this….

“What do I get out of owning another person’s sex?”

You need to get real here.
Because the truth of your desire and your fake love is found in the answer to this question IF….

IF you can be truthful in your answer.

And for those of you who cannot let me answer it for you.

Power.
Control.
Security.

And guess what?
All of these are fake.
Just like the love that you are claiming that “makes” you do it.

Love has nothing to do with ownership.
Love has nothing to do with having power over someones anything.
Love has nothing to do with security.
Let alone demanding and trying to force security.

Love is a risk.
Love is powerful.
Love is freeing.
Love is unconditional. 
And it has NOTHING to do with our sex.

Sure you have far better, 
more orgasmic, 
more connective and intimate, 
sex with love at play then without.

It takes you from two bodies rubbing against each other and enjoying some friction to a true opening, 
and blissed out state. 

But love has nothing to do with sex.
And it DOES NOT mean that we love someone more or less if we have sex with them or not.

Sex is not a barometer for love.
Sex is about feeling ones self in a most pure, authentic, real capacity. 
Through our sexing we meet ourselves. 
We feel ourselves.
And we expand in who we can be. 
Through our sexing we are offered a taste of intimacy into ourselves. 
That is what makes sex so damn intimate.

It is not intimate because we see another person naked.
It is not intimate because we are physically connecting.
It is not intimate because this other being is feeling anything or not.

It is intimate because we are experiencing all of this about OURSELVES with the assistance of another who is doing the same. 

But this form of intimacy. 
INTO – ME- I- SEE
only comes about when we are present with ourselves and no longer hiding from our shadows. 
When we are being responsible for ourselves and not looking for anyone else to fill us in any way. 
Not wanting to be completed by anyone else, 
not wanting to feel loved by anyone, 
or gain our happiness from anyone else. 
This sort of intimacy comes when we are NOT IN NEED.
But in LOVE.

Love of self.
Happy with self.
Intimacy with self.
Whole in self.
Worthy in self.

If you believe that you “need” anyone else to do any of these things for you and that equates love then you are far, far away from true love my dear.

So one more question for you to ask of yourself….

“Do I feel more loved by my partner if they do not have sex with anyone but me?”

okay maybe two questions.

“And if yes, then what about them only having sex with me, makes me feel loved, or guarantees a greater love in your opinion?”

The reality is that we harbor a lot of judgement around our sex and the sex of others. 

We condemn people for wanting sex.
We condemn people for not wanting sex.
We judge and call names, 
label and make opinions into facts that do not exist, 
based on on our judgments to make ourselves feel safe.
Feel right.
Feel moral.
Feel better than.

And if you loved.
Truly loved. 
The way love is to be, 
which is unconditional. 
Than you would see that your judgments on another’s sex and your desire to control it for them, 
is not of love,
but of ego. 
And your own insecurities around your sex and heart.

You aim to protect yourself by controlling another’s actions.
You aim to protect and make sure that pain and suffering does not befall on you, 
as if you were meant to never feel the contrast of pain in your life, 
and as if pain and growth was wrong, 
when in fact when one can lean in, 
and love through the pain. 
Through the fear.
Through all that we paint in our illusions of our ego, 
and SIMPLY LOVE.
Unconditional, 
and allow for the reality that we are to love many in many forms of the word. 
That “relationship” in any aspect is all about LOVE.
And without love, the relationship should not even be. 

So to try and control one’s love or how they choose to connect in any relationship is nothing more than an insecurity based in fear and desire to hide from one’s own expansion and feelings.

It is a fear to experience the beauty of true unconditional loving.

I challenge you today my love, 
to feel your true heart and to expand yourself and do the inquiry work so that you can have relationship based not in need and thus control, but in the beauty of surrendering to unconditional love. 

This is not written to give permission to those who lie and cheat, 
who step out of integrity and say that they just cannot be themselves. No this is not written to give any such permission. 
This is written to challenge all who read it about what sort of love they have based their relationships in and to bring up the empowering discussions of truth and honesty, coming from a place of love and intimacy. 

Communicate in love. 
Not in fear.
Stop allowing your past pains to mask your current heart.
Step out of your desire to have what is not possible, 
that requires faith, grace and communication. 
Step out of that desire, 
the desire for security and guarantee’s, 
where your “love” remains the same and tidy in a box that it was never meant to be kept in.

Because my dear, 
relationship will never be something that does not cause you pain.
It will push you to your limits. 
It will challenge your core. 
It will make you question all that you have believed and known, 
and it will ask you to stand in who you are, 
not of who you were, or will be. 

Yes my dear, 
relationship is just this and nothing more. 
It is a place where we meet ourselves in all, 
where we get to embrace if we allow, 
our hearts and heal our wounds. 
Strengthen our love and KNOW our core. 

You do not own my sex.
And your sex is not owned. 
You are a free soul. 
A free being. 

Remember this my love. 
And….
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”

**FUN FACT – There are five loves in this picture. And even though some are still beside me and some are no longer active roles in my life. All are still unconditionally loved by me.**

This is what you want in a partner.

From Guest Author Addison Bell

It’s all fun and games until you actually have to deal with the other side.

You sit and desire certain characteristics of those in your life, and especially out of a romantic partner. Yet, I daresay that many times you are asking for a mess of contradictions.

Its easy to look at some aspirational values and personality traits and think that this is exactly what you want to pull into your life but if you aren’t careful you will end up pulling in exactly what you don’t desire.

And the funny thing is that your Ego would probably throw a tantrum and say, “But I do do desire it, I do want that, I can hold that person” but in the end you really can’t handle it.

You might desire someone who is playful and has that flirty personality that makes you feel all bubbly inside… until they are flirty and playful with others and it smacks right into your jealousy and trust issues.

You might desire someone that knows how to act like a “lady” or “gentleman” when you are out in public and can hold the proper level of poise… until they are always poised and never able to let go of that persona (even in the bedroom).

You might desire someone that has their own life and is more free flowing with the relationship. Someone that isn’t that awful word “clingy”… until they can’t be there and support you the way that you need and you never truly feel held.

And really any trait that you desire in a partner is going to have the opposite side.

It is pretty commonly known from a psychological perspective that in relationships the aspects that often attract you to your partner are also the very same aspects that can cause the greatest struggle.

There is that old saying about how men should want a lady in the streets and a freak in the streets.

We want our partners to be both sides of a coin….
And most of the time it can mean the destruction of a relationship!

Now, thankfully we are complex beings and so are not one thing or the other. If you take the above example of having a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets… I know many women that are able to present one aspect of themselves when out at dinner parties and then turn around and have a mind-blowing sexual evening with a partner. Both are authentically them and both are aspects of who they ae.

Though these women have also worked through the stereotypes that come with both sides of the coin and know where they are authentically.

Though, lets be honest, yes I mean really honest here…

Most people are NOT doing deep personal work on a daily basis. And most people are not willing to look at when their ego’s arise in relationships. So when an aspect that is a turn on in one sense becomes a turn-off… we blame that other person. We don’t look at ourselves and where WE might be the ones that have unspoken expectations.

Many times we even struggle to admit where we struggle in relationships and where our ego’s simply can’t handle something.

You want a partner that is free, playful, open-minded but then when this pushes on your jealousy, your need for attention, and your belief that there is a certain way to “do” relationships…

Can you actually look yourself in the face or actually look that other person and say, “I don’t want you to be so free”. “I wish you weren’t so playful”, “I want you to be open-minded but just not about this topic”.

Most would look at the other person as the issue and not be able to truly say… “I am not able to hold this aspect of you”.

Again, we are complex and hold so many intricacies. Each person, situation, and experience will present a different expression of self. So what fits and is a desire with one partner or relationship could be entirely different than what fits and is a desire in another relationship.

In truth it all comes back (as always) to self and looking deep within ones self authentically. What are we desiring in our relationships? And then looking at if we truly could hold that characteristic in another if it presented to us. Where would our ego get shaken? What are non-negotiable in our relationships?

If you want freedom… how free?
If you want play… how playful?
If you want stable… how stable?
If you want sexy… how sexy?

What can you truly, honestly, at your core hold?
Get honest with yourself! And start doing your inner work to help you be able to look within when situations arise.

And more than even that…
Get honest with self when someone presents something that truly won’t fit with you and your life. Don’t pretend to be okay with something that is a hard NO. This will only push you further and further out of alignment from self.

Most importantly LOVE self first and foremost. When we do this we are most able to be authentic, honest, and love another. Even if the way we are loving that other is by letting them go and be who they are authentically.

Sending you all…

Love, Light, & Blessings,
Addison

Is it Christmas yet? A love story.

WOW!!!! I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone by. So many amazing adventures and beautiful people have shared this year with me. This next week is Thanksgiving, there are already Christmas tree’s up in the stores, lights being lit all around town and Christmas music occasionally playing here and there. Mother nature occasionally is letting us feel the comforts of the season, although here in Texas she takes too many med’s or maybe not enough and seem’s a little manic.

Doesn’t matter….

I love this time of the year, fall might even be my favorite. The other day I was on Facebook and some memories came popping up showing me what I was doing this time last year. My heart swelled with love and joy at seeing all the incredible moments that I had then. Suddenly I found myself wishing to drift back to those moments and linger there.  This year I have committed to stay home for the holidays and make it a working season in preparation for all the marvelous adventures of 2018.

Looking back on the last twelve months though I realized the journey that I have been on is one that has been loaded with blessings. Even in some of the shadowy moments I felt great rapture and transformation at a core level.  The year has had so much turbulence but with it great accomplishment.

So let me share my tale with you if you will….

Just over a year ago this new journey began, I was on a last minute hiking and horse backing riding trip to Spirit Lake in Kentucky with my lover.  The extended weekend was fabulous in every way from taking in the sites of chimney rock, the natural bridge, angels arch to horse back riding on Jack a horse that I am convinced had smoked some MaryJane.  We toured Claiborne, Secretariat’s Ranch and went to the Lexington Races, enjoyed some hippie pizza out in the middle of no where, raced on a zipline and went on a driving tour of the historical sites such as Transylvania University. However even with ALL this adventure my favorite moments were spent in the cave we discovered on the back side of the property of our cabin. Wine, camp fire and love making under the stars. Now that is orgasmic.

This unexpected trip to Kentucky was perhaps one of my favorite trips of all time. I had no expectation going in. I could not even believe that I had agreed to go on this trip, thinking what is in Kentucky anyway? LOL – WOW!!! I discovered more than what I ever could have imagined and what I am speaking of has nothing to do with everything that I just shared.

Kentucky opened my heart and soul at new level to my lover and to G-d. We had traveled before together, enjoyed beautiful destinations such as Costa Rica, but this trip, this trip we went deeper, we laughed harder, we became raw with each other spiritually as well as emotionally. It was fucking AMAZING!

We followed this trip up with New York in December where we enjoyed Broadway, Central Park, The Tavern on the Green who makes an incredible cocktail I wish I knew the name of, lots of tours, the empire state building, statue of liberty, Rockefeller Center and Tree Lighting, Sojo, the 9/11 memorial, the MET, and some simply yummy foods.

From there we found ourselves at Christmas back home! Carriage rides, plays and fine dining. Love making on a golf course and in front of the fire in the living room. Laughter, joy, play, adventure and opening…. I took my family on a cruise to Mexico to swim with dolphins, see the great wonders of Chichén Itzá, drink too much tequila and enjoy the beauty of this earth.

2017 began and I found myself on a girls trip to Punta Cana with a dear friend where we enjoyed the beaches and the breath taking night sky, hardly ever wanted to leave our private villa, went ziplining, drank too much rum and danced under the night sky and enjoyed our fierce female friendship.

February rolled around and my lover surprised me with a trip to Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds in Riviera Maya on the beach for three days. Oh my! That crazy, crazy man how he knows just what to do.  Three days on the east coast of Mexico hiking Coba, swimming with sea turtles, enjoying all the tropical waters and fish as well as the cenotes.  But we were not done with Mexico yet!

From here we flew to Cabo where we stayed a few days and did whale watching at Neptunes Finger, ziplined through a very hot canyon, toured the Sea of Cortez and ate too much.

The year was still young and as soon as this adventure was done we found ourselves a few short months later off to a surprise trip to Laguna Beach. Telling me that we were going to go hiking in the Texas Hill Country I packed for such. The morning of the trip came and he picked me up and drove me not to Austin but the the airport where he asked the TSA agents if they would pass me through everything with him holding my ticket so that I would not know till last minute where I was actually going. Guess what? I have NEVER been through security so fast and with such sweetness from TSA. We arrived in California a few short hours later and spent the day driving with the top down enjoying the the California sun.  The trip was filled with laughter, joy and love. Playing like big kids at Disneyland, shopping and dining on the streets of Laguna Beach, a sunset cruise from Dana Point and a massage and art buying after  a ferry ride on Catalina Island. Love making on the balcony over looking the ocean and snuggling by the outside fire of the Montage for sunset. Possibly my second favorite trip…..

Okay, no Dave Matthews still win’s…

At our return to Texas we found ourselves walking into a turbulent, painful summer. A summer that would change our worlds.

We could have never expected what the next few days would bring let along the next few months and the rest of the year.

I am a deeply spiritual person and I believe that the spiritual strength that we both have, needed to be revealed. This next chapter of our relationship would mean for us to part ways for an unknown time frame. Years of love, years of connection, trust, depth , play, adventure, soul raptureing moments came to a sudden halt when G-d called on us both. My lover went to a funeral and was seen by a woman whom he greatly respects , she shared a message with him that was short, “God wants you to get on your path. He is giving you three days.” – Now when one hears a message like this, one listens. Or so I hope they do.

He did.

I found myself in a place of support and distance. Feeling nervous.  Quickly the universe side tracked me with my own chaos of family. My aging mother found herself needing 24/7 care for the onset of Dementia.  Me being her only support. My entire summer was spent dealing with state issues, finding a residence for her, figuring out how to make it all work while my lover found himself moving down a path of solitude to reconnect and center himself with the creator again.  In August we made a commitment to each other that we would hold true to our paths and let G-d lead us. We swore to see each other on the other side of this solo-journey of the rebirthing of the soul. There was no fighting but there were tears.

And there are daily tears, still.

It is funny, one would think that after four months of not seeing each other or speaking, only a few short texts to exchange a brief message here and there every few weeks as to say, ” I am still alive,” that one would feel ever so distant from the other. The lesson that has now been embossed into every cell of my being is just the opposite.

At every corner of this journey I have had certainty. When I look back through the years of loving, I see all the opportunities we each had to turn away from each other but chose instead to love deeper and stand in the fires of life stronger. When I look at the years together and all that has happened between us and each of our lives I am certain that our love is unique. It is truly authentic and real. The things that we have seen, experienced and asked of each other have pushed us in many ways. Some may perceive some of our adventures in life as crazy stupid, painful, sinful even.  But here is the thing….

I am lifted up by the love I have…

The love I share…

The love that will never die…

And I still hold on, NOT to him, not even to  the love.

I hold on to my certainty that G-d has my back.

And those who have certainty, can wait with ease.

I am waiting, Christmas will come again.

Looking for Mr. Forever – The pressure we SHOULD NOT feel.

I know you want someone to hold you close and handle your heart gently, but put love on hold. You don’t need someone to fall asleep beside. Not yet. You can wait for that.

Finding your forever person shouldn’t be your main priority. Finding yourself should come first.

Find out what brings your passionate side to the surface. Find out what stirs the adrenaline that’s been hibernating in your veins. Find out what convinces you to stay up until 3 AM and wake up at 5 AM. Find out what puts the suicidal thoughts to rest and gives you a burst of appreciation for the living.

Find out why the girl in the mirror looks so sad when she’s alone. What does she want? What is she missing? If it’s a who, what type of person would fill the gap where her smile is supposed to be? Is it a best friend that can make her laugh when she only has the impulse to scream? Is it a semi-stranger to drink with to erase the pain? Is it a mystery voice that tells her they believe in her, that they’re proud of her?

Find out what squeezes your heart until it skips a beat. Find out what sends flutters through your spine. Find out what awakens the butterflies in your stomach. Find out what makes the cliches come to life.

Find out who you are and what you want out of this chaotic world, because you’ve only scratched the surface of your cravings. You want a house in the Hamptons, but what will make that house a home? Degrees to hang on the wall, a baby girl, a puppy flopping through the yard? You want a job in journalism, but what are you hoping to gain from it? Aside from money. Aside from security. What is it you’re hoping life blesses you with?

Find out what you want this universe to deliver to you. And don’t be afraid to sound greedy or selfish or unrealistic. Don’t restrain yourself from having oversized fantasies, because you’ll find important pieces of yourself hidden amongst those dreams. You’ll find out what drives you. What type of human you truly are.

Find out what inspires you, motivates you. Find out what gives you the energy to push through on your worst days. Find out what you’re doing here on this earth, because no matter how worthless you feel, you have a purpose. You have a reason you exist — and it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.

You have a lifetime to find your forever person, so find yourself first. You deserve to meet her.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE– You Have A Lifetime To Find Your Person, So Find Yourself First by Holly Riordan