Let’s Get Real About What Define The Relationship Really Means.

 

“I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”

 

Maybe I have commitment issues some would say,

and I have been told this from past lovers.

They were convinced that because I refused to be labeled,

because I refused to DTR ( define the relationship) that I was not good with commitment.

 

They could not just accept my looks of love and desire for what they were.

They could not accept the sweet and tender vulnerable moments shared for what they were,

They could not just go with the passion shared and the hours and days or even weeks spent enthralled with each other.

 

No, they wanted the MF LABEL.

And for some reason, the label is what made everything real.

Not the actual effing relationship that was presenting itself each day, each moment.

No, they could not trust that.

They needed the words spoken,

just how they wanted to hear them too mind you,

for it to actually be real.

 

Nothing mattered but the label.

 

And because I am a person who understands what labels are actually about,

I have a really tough time getting down with defining any relationship for that matter.

 

And here is why.

 

You see labels and definitions of relationships have NOTHING to do with love or commitment for that matter.

 

They don’t have anything to do with trust either,

and they are not offering any more security for either party as well.

 

What they do is allow us to compartmentalize the relationship, cause separation because now we segregate this relationship from the rest of our lives.

 

Labels allow us to define what the relationship “should” look and feel like. How it “should” play out and what the expectations are within the pretty little box that we have put it into allows for.

 

Labels are often asked for because one party or both are wanting validation for their existence and level of importance in the relationship.

 

This validation gives a false sense of security.

Which makes the partners feel safe and believe that NOW since the relationship has been properly defined that neither party will step out of the box that it has been filed in.

 

And that is what DTR is all about folks.

Validation of self through another, false security and control.

 

Because with this DTR what we are wanting is the safety ultimately of knowing ( well believing) that our partner is now “OUR PROPERTY” as defined by the label provided.

And of course they are down with abiding by the rules of this definition.

 

Funny little note, most people just assume that other people’s definitions and rules of the label are exactly what their own are and never stop to discuss these important things with the person that they are trying to do a relationship with and get a label on.

 

In my opinion,

(and maybe…. just maybe… I have worked with just a few couples over the last few decades) that one of the major reasons so many couples are not satisfied or in full alignment with their partner is because they miss this vitally important conversation on the front side.

 

The conversation around, “Why do you do relationships? And what are your needs/desires/expectations within a relationship?”

 

Can you imagine if we started having these inquiries between ourselves and our lovers?

 

And what if….

what if our lovers answered authentically.

 

OMFG! That would be amazing.

But often because so many have limited worth and self- esteem issues,

they find themselves needing to feel safe through the validation of their partner instead and therefore answer accordingly to get the result that they want from their partner instead of being truthful and having a truly intimate conversation around their differences.

 

All relationships at some point come to a place where the definition sorta just manifests organically.

But it is an energy that a couple will grow into as time and depth in the relationship is established,

not some words stated because partners feel pressure from what they have been told is important to ask for come date three or month six, or whatever the f-ck timeline you are working on.

 

If you are among the many people out there that feels that need the label to lean and trust more,

or to not have your jealousy anymore,

or to be able to be more vulnerable or intimate with your partner,

and believes that the label is a sign of love,

then you truly need to explore what your definition of love really is about.

 

And ask yourself if this label is truly what you are wanting or if you are actually requesting to set up agreements with your partner as to what your relationship rules are and are not.

 

Then ask yourself how this desire to label and set up these tidy little box homes for your relationship to get cramped in is actually serving the relationship or your supposed love for this other person?

 

What if you became extremely present with your partner and chose to focus on all their good traits each time you were together?

 

What if instead of fearing them doing something that might destroy the relationship, you chose to commit to look for how well they are showing up in it right now and how much beauty you are enjoying with them right now?

 

What if you opted to actually practice authentic unconditional love with them and just wanted to enjoy them in all their radiance because your desire for them was to be that person who can hold loving space without a need to contain their soul and own them?

 

What if you chose to just allow them to be them and you to be you?

 

What if you choose consciously to come into the relationship each new day as though it was a new relationship that you were excited and appreciative of?

 

What if you started to define your relationship by saying,

” I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”

 

Can you imagine how much more depth, love, compassion, witnessing, love, trust, and joy would come through your partner and the relationship?

 

Or continue on your path,

you know the one.

The one that has you believing that controlling your partner and defining your relationship and owning them as property in any f-cking fashion is LOVE.

 

And enjoy all the trauma that creates and the broken expectations and pain.

 

Because that is the result when we attempt to control the human spirit and not allow others to live authentically.

 

Not to mention,

When we do this it is only supporting our fear and at our core we feel the out of alignment that is caused with God and our soul.

 

Level Up Your Love Now.

 

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to level up your relationship or learn more on authentic relating skills that can rekindle, ignite and bring average relationships into Enlightened?

 

Reach out to me about my Passion Coaching for Couples Program today.

But THAT Is Not Sex?

And he said, “But we did not have sex.”
 
I wondered how he believed this.
I wondered what constitues as sex?
I guess to each it is different and to some,
some acts of the flesh are not actual sex or intimate enough to be such,
where to others, such as myself,
all acts of a sexual nature where body fluids are exchanged and our mouths, fingers and genitals are connected are sex.
 
This statement however made me question the meaning of sex in a very real world, primal, physical sense.
 
“But we did not have sex.”
 
His cock was deep in my throat,
it did pulse and throb as it exploded deep into my throat and found itself swallowed up.
 
And his face was burried into my pussy,
his fingers deep into my vaginal canal,
rubbing fiercely on my g-spot as he flicked and sucked firmly on my clit while my body quivered and shook,
and I dripped juices all over him.
 
Alas, we did not have sex.
 
In this instance, sex is only a thing if the genitals themselves connects.
 
His viewing of the situation is that we did not have sex,
so what did we have?
 
Intimacy, perhaps he would say?
Foreplay?
 
And in my eye’s we had sex.
I bared a more vulnerable aspect of myself then penis in vagina sex could ever share.
I openned myself up deeper than just letting him penetrate me with his cock.
 
But we did not have sex. 🤔
 
 
I find myself lost in this statement and yet it is a common place one in my coaching practice with people.
 
People say to me all the time,
well I did not sleep with him/her.
 
I just got a blow job.
I just gave him a blow job.
It was just anal.
I just ate her out.
 
I know in the open relationship world,
the land of poly and swinging and all other lables to help us create containers,
that this discussion is one that is had frequently in order to have good communication.
However, in the land of monogamy…..
 
we don’t know what sex even is.
Or what each partner deems as sex.
 
This statement made me feel like I was dealing with one of my childrens friends who was asking for advice or sharing a story nonchalantly.
 
I recall a friend of one of my daughters telling me that she was a virgin still and that she was going to remain one till she got married. She shared that it was important to her to be pure for her marriage and future husband, just the way she was brought up in church and with her families spiritual beliefs.
Then she went on to share casually that she was at a party and had anal sex with a guy and gave him a blow job.
 
I informed her that both of these actions were sex.
We argued a bit about it because she believed that sex was ONLY vagina and penis.
NOTHING else counted.
 
Now this was almost 10 years ago that I had this discussion.
This young woman is most likely married now or dating someone seriously.
Perhaps she is still a virgin in her eyes and by her belief and family guidlines,
but I want to shed the light of truth on this subject.
 
All the above is SEX.
And anal and oral are more intimate than vaginal and penis in some cases.
Just because you cannot get pregnant from anal or oral does not mean it is safe or not sex.
 
I ask you today…
“How do you define sex?”
 
If you are in a mongamous relationship,
how do you define sex?
 
Is your partner allowed to get or give oral or anal and it be looked at as if they are not having sex outside the relationship?
 
If all you get for a month is anal or oral from your partner did you have a sexless month?
 
 
How do you define sex?
 
And what are the conversations that you need to have with your partner(s) to make sure that you are in agreement or have proper relationship guidelines for your relationship boundaries?
 
As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
‘Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to explore the truth about relationship?
What are boundaries, guidlines, agreements and what are the conversations that ALL couples and sexually active adults shoul have no matter the lables applied?
 
Reach out to me for deet’s today on the up and coming event Pathways to Relationships.