You Don’t Own My Sex!

You don’t own my sex!
You think that you want to own my sex. 
You believe that it is love based.
You have been told that if someone loves you that they will not need, desire or be with anyone else. 
You think that ownership is love. 

But since when is slavery of any sort love?
Relationship slavery, 
sexual slavery is no more love than is
to brand and tag another human being and sell them to the highest bidder as though they are live stock.

That may seem offensive to some. 
It may seem extreme to others. 
I am pretty sure that many are flabbergasted in this moment that anyone would say such a thing in today’s world. 

But seriously, owning someone else in any fashion or form is NOT LOVE.

And I can tell you that you have no right to own another persons sex.

It’s far more than the genitals that I speak of here. 
It is one’s core.
It is one’s creative energy.
It is one’s soul.
Their guidance system if they are tapped into it. 
Our alignment to life, 
to our path, 
and all that we can be stems from this place within ourselves. 

Our sex. 
It hubs all that we are. 
It is our primal, 
passionate, 
truth.

Our GPS.

And you think that it is loving to own. 
That it is loving to sign over the papers to such a thing.
That it is someones duty, 
or a rightful expectation to demand that one give this to anyone?

Really?

May I challenge those of you who read this and want to spout back some negative comment, 
some biblical quote, 
some moral statement as you believe it to be, 
may I challenge you to ask yourself this….

“What do I get out of owning another person’s sex?”

You need to get real here.
Because the truth of your desire and your fake love is found in the answer to this question IF….

IF you can be truthful in your answer.

And for those of you who cannot let me answer it for you.

Power.
Control.
Security.

And guess what?
All of these are fake.
Just like the love that you are claiming that “makes” you do it.

Love has nothing to do with ownership.
Love has nothing to do with having power over someones anything.
Love has nothing to do with security.
Let alone demanding and trying to force security.

Love is a risk.
Love is powerful.
Love is freeing.
Love is unconditional. 
And it has NOTHING to do with our sex.

Sure you have far better, 
more orgasmic, 
more connective and intimate, 
sex with love at play then without.

It takes you from two bodies rubbing against each other and enjoying some friction to a true opening, 
and blissed out state. 

But love has nothing to do with sex.
And it DOES NOT mean that we love someone more or less if we have sex with them or not.

Sex is not a barometer for love.
Sex is about feeling ones self in a most pure, authentic, real capacity. 
Through our sexing we meet ourselves. 
We feel ourselves.
And we expand in who we can be. 
Through our sexing we are offered a taste of intimacy into ourselves. 
That is what makes sex so damn intimate.

It is not intimate because we see another person naked.
It is not intimate because we are physically connecting.
It is not intimate because this other being is feeling anything or not.

It is intimate because we are experiencing all of this about OURSELVES with the assistance of another who is doing the same. 

But this form of intimacy. 
INTO – ME- I- SEE
only comes about when we are present with ourselves and no longer hiding from our shadows. 
When we are being responsible for ourselves and not looking for anyone else to fill us in any way. 
Not wanting to be completed by anyone else, 
not wanting to feel loved by anyone, 
or gain our happiness from anyone else. 
This sort of intimacy comes when we are NOT IN NEED.
But in LOVE.

Love of self.
Happy with self.
Intimacy with self.
Whole in self.
Worthy in self.

If you believe that you “need” anyone else to do any of these things for you and that equates love then you are far, far away from true love my dear.

So one more question for you to ask of yourself….

“Do I feel more loved by my partner if they do not have sex with anyone but me?”

okay maybe two questions.

“And if yes, then what about them only having sex with me, makes me feel loved, or guarantees a greater love in your opinion?”

The reality is that we harbor a lot of judgement around our sex and the sex of others. 

We condemn people for wanting sex.
We condemn people for not wanting sex.
We judge and call names, 
label and make opinions into facts that do not exist, 
based on on our judgments to make ourselves feel safe.
Feel right.
Feel moral.
Feel better than.

And if you loved.
Truly loved. 
The way love is to be, 
which is unconditional. 
Than you would see that your judgments on another’s sex and your desire to control it for them, 
is not of love,
but of ego. 
And your own insecurities around your sex and heart.

You aim to protect yourself by controlling another’s actions.
You aim to protect and make sure that pain and suffering does not befall on you, 
as if you were meant to never feel the contrast of pain in your life, 
and as if pain and growth was wrong, 
when in fact when one can lean in, 
and love through the pain. 
Through the fear.
Through all that we paint in our illusions of our ego, 
and SIMPLY LOVE.
Unconditional, 
and allow for the reality that we are to love many in many forms of the word. 
That “relationship” in any aspect is all about LOVE.
And without love, the relationship should not even be. 

So to try and control one’s love or how they choose to connect in any relationship is nothing more than an insecurity based in fear and desire to hide from one’s own expansion and feelings.

It is a fear to experience the beauty of true unconditional loving.

I challenge you today my love, 
to feel your true heart and to expand yourself and do the inquiry work so that you can have relationship based not in need and thus control, but in the beauty of surrendering to unconditional love. 

This is not written to give permission to those who lie and cheat, 
who step out of integrity and say that they just cannot be themselves. No this is not written to give any such permission. 
This is written to challenge all who read it about what sort of love they have based their relationships in and to bring up the empowering discussions of truth and honesty, coming from a place of love and intimacy. 

Communicate in love. 
Not in fear.
Stop allowing your past pains to mask your current heart.
Step out of your desire to have what is not possible, 
that requires faith, grace and communication. 
Step out of that desire, 
the desire for security and guarantee’s, 
where your “love” remains the same and tidy in a box that it was never meant to be kept in.

Because my dear, 
relationship will never be something that does not cause you pain.
It will push you to your limits. 
It will challenge your core. 
It will make you question all that you have believed and known, 
and it will ask you to stand in who you are, 
not of who you were, or will be. 

Yes my dear, 
relationship is just this and nothing more. 
It is a place where we meet ourselves in all, 
where we get to embrace if we allow, 
our hearts and heal our wounds. 
Strengthen our love and KNOW our core. 

You do not own my sex.
And your sex is not owned. 
You are a free soul. 
A free being. 

Remember this my love. 
And….
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”

**FUN FACT – There are five loves in this picture. And even though some are still beside me and some are no longer active roles in my life. All are still unconditionally loved by me.**

Food & Sex : The Connection is in Our Desire

desireimageLast week, I had the great honor to talk on the tele-seminar “Abundance Reigns” where my topic was about our hungers and desires and how they relate to creating a more fulfilling life. This was a very fun talk and very interesting to prepare because the more I prepared the presentation, the more connections I kept coming up with between our physical hunger for food and our physical and emotional need for sex. I quickly realized that I could have done the entire presentation on that topic alone and could write a dozen articles on the many ways food and sex correlate. However, for today’s purposes, I want to look at how we often use food to fill an unmet need in our sex lives.

The connection between food and sex exists for both sexes, but is extraordinarily apparent in looking at female eating and sexual behaviors. There have been entire books written simply on this topic in regards to women.

In any theory of human needs, you will find both food and sex as two vital elements. Without food, we will starve to death and without sex and physical connection, we will also fail to survive and/or simply thrive.

In my experience as a therapist working with eating disorders and as a coach working with individuals that sometimes struggle with disordered eating patterns, it is common for people to find struggles on their plate, which are really struggles in the bedroom. Often, my clients think I am crazy at first when I start asking them about their sex lives. I will get comments such as, “I don’t have any issues with sex. My issues are all around food”, “I don’t even think about sex; it doesn’t matter to me but I am constantly thinking about food”. The problem with this thought pattern being that many of us in this day and age have learned to use food as a manner in which to cover up unmet needs/desires…. And often specifically our needs/desires surrounding sex.

We as Americans often like to think we are incredibly open minded and that we are very comfortable in our sexuality. However, the truth is we have influences of religion, how we were raised, past sexual experiences, and social pressures that can alter our opinions of sex and in truth leave us starving sexually. Often, people carry around deep shame around wanting/needing physical affection and so bury these needs deep in our psyches. However, we can’t bury our needs for very long because they come out in different ways. Commonly, this avenue is our food.

How you may ask:

  • You aren’t getting any physical affection and feeling of comfort at home and so you simply turn to foods that provide you comfort.

  • You aren’t allowing yourself to truly be present and have connected sex….and so you begin bingeing on chocolate because that’s going to release similar hormones and make you have a false sense of connection.

  • You don’t think you deserve physical pleasure and so you start cutting foods from your diet, which brings you pleasure.

A while ago, I had the pleasure of knowing a woman, and at the time friend, she was unfortunately struggling with anorexia. When I asked this friend about her sex life, she responded that she thought sex/masturbation was dirty and sinful outside of marriage. Therefore, whenever she was “bad” and touched herself in a sexual manner, she would then have to punish herself by restricting for days simply to cleanse her guilt and shame.

You may look at this example as extreme, but honestly, I have a long list of similar stories I could share from friends, patients, clients, and personally. The point is that we are told, as women in particular, to not want/need/desire sex and the same really goes for the messages we receive around food. So, the ramification is that many of us try to stifle these needs but end up playing what I like to call “Whack a Mole” because we can’t truly get rid of those needs.

From a personal perspective, I spent years denying my sexuality and sensuality of simply being a woman. The result (amongst some other things) was a raging eating disorder that almost took my life. I didn’t want to be a sexual being and I felt extreme shame around this topic, so I attempted to starve, binge, and purge the needs away! It was not until I faced a variety of issues in my life, but particularly those surrounding sexuality, that I was able to get free.

So, before I close, I do want to clarify that not any old sex is going to fill this need that is showing up on our plates… We need connected sex with others and/or ourselves. We need to be able to feel safe, secure, and loved in that moment in order to start to fill ourselves up. The reason this is so important is because we have hormones, one being Oxytocin, that are released when we are really able to get into our bodies during a sexual experience. These are also similar hormones that are released or are decreased with certain foods.

My challenge for you is to really take a look at your relationship to your own sexuality and also your own food. Are you starving yourself of your needs and desires or are you bingeing on food and sex that are meaningless and aren’t giving you joy? Take some time to get introspective of how your own needs/desires are interacting.

— Written by Addison Bell, Tantric Practitioner & Coach