siSTAR Tribe- Heal Thy Selves

As a woman you would think it easy for me to be open and vulnerable, trusting even of the feminine. Of other women. That sisterhood would just come naturally and easily.

As a woman who is a mother of 7 souls, three of which are daughters and spends her day’s reaching out into the world and helping other women, other people and sharing of herself as vulnerably as I can in any given moment. That female connection and understanding would just be a reality. A norm for me.

The truth is though that I have had a lifetime of shut down around the feminine. Around trusting the feminine. Trusting my fellow sisters. Just calling other women my sisters causes a nagging nausea in my gut. It rises up an uncertainty of if I can trust women. If I can lean in here.

Do I even want to?

My wounds with the feminine stem back to my early childhood where my mother would talk radically negative about my father to me on hour long walks with our German Shepard and myself. She would tell me how awful my dad was. How she wanted out of the relationship. She would dream of finding a suitcase full of money on our walk and escaping life with him. She wanted to run away from him. She wanted her freedom but at the cost of choosing daily to stay settled and just bitch to 5 year old me on our evening walk about it.

Then came her co-dependent nature. Always attached at my hip, like an infant to it’s mother. It seemed often like I was the mother. She could not make a move without my support.

Then came her crazy ass stories of her past, where she shared all too much with me about how she manipulated this or that.

How she was wounded from WWII and the bombings.
How she was angry at her father for being killed during the war when she was eight.
How she was angry with her mother for doing the things that she had to at that point to survive and support two little girls.
She told me about her abuse in her first marriage.
She tried to teach me how to steal from stores.
How to lie well and hold my poker face.
She showed me how to disconnect from my heart and SURVIVE.
She taught me that women are not to be trusted.
She taught me that women manipulate.

She told me that I was different though.
That I could walk on water.
But I was her air.
So don’t run away.
Don’t abandon her.

Then came school. My girl friends once made would randomly choose to no longer be my friends. They would make up stories, would gossip if I shared anything vulnerable. They would steal my clothes, cheat off my tests and then point the finger back at me.

But I craved friendship.
I craved sisterhood.
I craved to be one of the girls.
I craved to fit in.

Then came high school. I chose to go to a high school that was actually not in my district so that I could remain with my best friends. They were a grade ahead of me, but we were besties and they WANTED me to come to that school. It was going to be great. Until school started that was.

Now they were too busy for me. They had boyfriends. Sisterhood no longer mattered. It was every girl for herself.
And lord help me if one of their guys spoke or looked at me.

Now I was a threat.
Now I was the enemy.

Ice cream hurdled across the hallway, hitting my brand new leather jacket.
Laughter ringing out.
The call of “You Slut!” from the mouth of my once best friend. The girl who wept her tears of pain when her parents divorced into my arms. The girl who we “twinned” once a week together and sunbathed on the roof of her house every summer day we could grab together.

The girl who begged me to come to this school.
It was going to be great.
We were besties.
We had each others back.

Yes here, here is where it all started.
Repeatedly I witnessed the whirlwind of emotional instability from the feminine.
Repeatedly I was daggered by my sisters as though I was a vampire out to steal their lives.
Repeatedly I was wounded, shamed, disowned by the feminine.
I was lied too.
I was lied about.

My besties, my sisters had been taken over by the mean girl syndrome.

But we were young.
We were just children still.
Things would change once I was an adult.

Women don’t act like this.
Women know how to support each other.
Women understand the pains of our adolescent years and we overcome them and heal. We rise about the mean girl syndrome and we become radiant, supportive siSTARS.

Right?

Then came my adult years.
I shut down in my twenties. I kept my friendships limited. I kept my heart limited. I focused on my family. My children. My husband. My life. My education.

The things I felt I could control.
I had a siSTAR in my life. She was amazing. Supportive. Trustworthy. She had my back. I was certain.

And I was right.
She still today, even with miles apart, years between. Words rarely shared has my back and I have her’s. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that I could call her at 2AM from anywhere in this world and cry on her shoulder, ask to stay the night, and I would do the same for her.

She is my soul siSTAR.
She is a rare light.
25 years of friendship proves this.

Then came my 30’s. I was eager, hungry and full of desire. I wanted to take on the world. I wanted to expand. I wanted to meet myself and I wanted a sisterhood. I entered the state of Texas with a mission to have just this. ALL OF THIS.

And so I did.
Or so I thought.

Quickly I had a large group of feminine support. This was my tribe. These were my sisters. We were all mom’s, we lived close to each other. We enjoyed similar things. We celebrated life weekly together. It was amazing.

The laughter.
The tears.
The sharing.
The holding space for each other when shit went down with our spouses or kids.
The sharing of our fears and our desires.
This was sisterhood.

Then came the day that my dear friend said, “You know what you did. We can’t be friends anymore.”

And with her went the whole tribe.
Poof!
Gone in a second.
And for what?

Still to this day, almost 10 years later I have no certain closure on this.

Accusations made while I was away on summer holiday with my family. Lies told. Stories conjured. Truth lost. Friendship lost.

Told I was guilty.
Told I was a slut.
Told I was horrible.
Told I was not fit to be in the tribe.

Abandoned by my sisters and never offered a space to speak my truth. To get answers. To set things right.

Mean girls knocking at my door again.
Statements made on social media.
Accusations and allegations of false truths.
Lord help me.

So I shut down.
I closed myself off and I isolated myself from the feminine.
I opened and did my work around the masculine.
I danced and blossomed with the help of the great men who stepped up in my life. Who held space for me.
I stepped into my goddess-hood.
Claiming I did not need the feminine.
It was not to be trusted.
It disliked me.
It hated me.
I was alone.
There was no sisterhood for me.

All but one siSTAR.
Who still remains after 10 years of friendship.
My Hawaiian goddess siSTAR. Who holds space, who laughs and shares her wisdom in times needed. Who shares her pain, her fear and tears. Her joy, her dreams, her spirit with me. Yes she has my back. This I know. This I am certain.
She is a rare light.

The masculine.
It holds me.
It adores me.
It craves me.
It eats me up and helps me to fly.

It scorns me.
It scares me.
It bruises my being.
It rips my heart out like a ravenous beast.
It breaks my body and stomps on my boundaries then blames me for being a woman.

The masculine.
I love the masculine.
I hate the masculine.

I need the feminine.
I crave my sisters.
I crave the support.
I hunger for the light.
I want to be seen as a woman and understood.
Seen that my crazy girl moments are normal.
I want to cry and not be fixed.
And just be okay.

In steps my siSTAR.
She is a rare light.

She supports me by just being.
She see’s my pain and she wants to fight for my hearts pain.
She stands firm in the wake of my storm and she casts a line to help me find harmony once again.
She uproots her whole life,
She turns herself inside out,
She shares her fears,
Her pain,
She holds space when she is not even trying.
She is a rare light indeed.
She is a Goddess.
She has my back and I have her’s.
This I am certain.

This is what friends do for friends, she says.
This is not what I am accustom too.
She and my fellow siSTARS through the last 25 years,
though they may be few,
they are strong,
they are Mother F*cking Goddesses.

They aim to heal them selves.
They aim to heal other’s.
They are kindred souls.
They are true siSTARS.

This is the relationships that I crave with my fellow women.
This is my tribe of goddesses.
This is my healing of wounds from my youth and wounds from theirs.
This is our life path.
This is SiSTARHOOD.

Embracing the fierceness of sisterhood.
Today.
Tomorrow.
And ALWAYS.

Healing the feminine.
By allowing myself to be healed by the feminine.

Remember my fellow siSTAR Goddess,
You are worthy.
You are a rare light.
You are loved.
You are a Mother F*cking Goddess.

Always,
Stop Existing- Start Living

Are you a woman that feel’s scorned? Hurt? Scared to step into her Mother F*cking Goddess Power? 
Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Monogamy and Infidelity… What Has Happened to Relationship?

IMG_2885 editIt has been an interesting social week for this sex geek!

Love, marriage, relationship, sex, commitment, integrity, open-mindedness, judgement, new friends, old lovers and so much more…

Most of what keeps coming up this last week for me is circling around our idea’s and beliefs when looking at marriage or a “committed” relationship. The do’s and don’ts, and what is truly correct. What I have been reminded of the most is that one person’s “right way” is not always another person’s “right way,” and that this is such a beautiful thing that so many have a tough time accepting and seeing for the incredible gift that it is. As an ego based society we have been brainwashed into believing so fully that our beliefs are actually fact that we have squeezed out life, free will and individuality. We have buried personal truth and forgotten the age old wisdom, of love thy neighbor. The one core principle that ALL religions and spiritual practices have in common and as foundation. We have also forgotten that even our own personal truths and beliefs can change over the course of time and that in the end they are still only opinions in the eyes of others. Weather we back our statements with scripture, scientific evidence, or something else, they are all conjured from human translation.

Interestingly enough, since my last writing I have been through quiet a host of events and thoughts on this. A lover that I have had for a few years now (whom is a married man) had to deal with the possibility of divorce with his wife after a large dispute over his sexual activity outside of the marriage. Yet, their relationship is sexually dead and I mean DEAD. There is not even guilt sex happening. Now, I know that many who read this will be disgusted and damning, saying that in this sort of case instead of having an affair one should just get out of the relationship and stay in integrity. If your not happy then it is time to move on. If there are issues that cannot be resolved then it is time to move on. True as all of that is from a logical stand point, there are personal reasons that many who have affairs have that make it not so cut and dry. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience here. I have been an adulteress and obviously I have been a mistress as well. Both roles have blessed me with so much life lesson and deep empathy that I cannot see the disgust in them but only the beauty and empowerment that they both have led too.

Now, here is another interesting event of my week. Another old lover of mine who is a single man but was married years ago has a jealous, controlling ex-wife who has decided that he should not even text with me. Her attitude is very similar to the wife of my other lover, yet there is no contract that she can hold over his head or shame him of some religious sin. She can however cause disturbances and chaos.

In both cases above what we have are some core beliefs that we are taught about relationship, especially marriage.

In marriage you are responsible for your partners happiness.
In marriage, you are NOT to have any intimate or emotional relationships outside of that relationship. 

Love as unconditional as we may say it is hits the wall of conditions when dealing with sex and emotions.
Ownership. (Partners own the rights to use of their partners body, especially genitals) 

Jealousy is love.
If you cheat, you do not love your husband/wife.

So as you read this list, what did your heart say about each item?

Your heart not your ego, your beliefs and programs. Not what religion states. But what did your heart say? Your heart speaks in whispers remember, while the others are in your face, yelling the answers.

In follow up to these two events, I decided to do some social research on FaceBook and pose a couple questions. Here they are with some of the answers I received.

Is infidelity ALWAYS infidelity?

▪ Nope. Not always…Guess it depends on what your own definition of that is.
▪ Other’s concept of infidelity may not be yours. Not a universal definition.
▪ Infidelity is infidelity no matter how you slice it and dice it. infidelity is kissing another woman/man on the lips or commiting a sexual act with another person when in a relationship with someone. example…. peter is dating jenna, peter kisses another girl and has sexual relations with the other girl, that is infidelity.
▪ There are couples that are monogamous and then there are others that are polyamorous. Whatever works for a couple the most important thing is honesty with each other.
▪ A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship. No one should expose themselves to such thing for a prolonged agonizing period. Though leaving in itself is self empowering, and probably something that needs to be done by you. Cheating or committing in act of infidelity is a weakness that one succumbs under.
▪ And my favorite response: If communication is open and honest, then infidelity would never occur

The next question I posed was:
70%+ divorce rate. Over 40% of men in their late 40’s to 50’s have affairs. Over 30% of women in their 30’s have affairs. Many relationships have non existent or almost there so sexual relations after the 12th year together. Sperm are designed to fight sperm from other men, so that the strongest may win and the strongest offspring will be born to a woman. Women can become allergic to their mates semen.

College Study: In the early 1970s, a schoolteacher in southern England assigned a class science project in which his students were to find out the blood types of their parents. The students were then to use this information to deduce their own blood types (because a gene from each parent determines your blood type, in most instances only a certain number of combinations are possible). Instead, 30 per cent of the students discovered their dads were not their biologically fathers.

Question of the day: Are humans designed to be a monogamous species?

▪ It is possible. it requires a lot of internal work; which most people are not willing to go through.
▪ No, I don’t believe so. The reality of our true biological nature does not lend itself to that. We are programmed & learn that we should be, however, just look realistically at the divorce rate & you can see that something is a miss.
▪ I don’t think so… I think monogamy is a choice, one that can be followed through with, but naturally designed to be, no. Look at the bonobo, we are more closely related to them than any other primate/species. They, besides us (humans) are the only species who have sex, just for fun, and they do so with multiple partners. There is no hierarchy, no violence… I think it’s time we realize this, not to necessarily have multiple partners, but to have a better understanding of why we have such a high rate of failed monogamous relationships.
▪ Yes, were designed to be monogamous.. But as we as a human race evolved down through history, very early on we developed an appetite for more, and diverse engagement.. The pleasure center of our being was unlocked and an insatiable desire took over.. Pleasure is one thing, real love is another.. There is something sacred, about loved shared with one…and one only.. But our society doesn’t know how to facilitate that anymore.. There are unseen forces that prompt and Ignite some of the deeper..even hidden.. Passions.. That we might have had for just one person.. So yes, were designed.. But in the current cultural climate it is difficult to maintain.. Must be an incredible commitment to that person in your life.. Subtle, seek to steal and Rob the beauty, of that kind of oneness between two people.. Like some unseen force trying to take it away entirely… Just my sincere and humble opinion.
▪ I used to believe we were meant to be monogamous but I’m believing more and more that there is no way that just one person can satisfy all of our wants and needs (nor can we satisfy them). I believe in being open and honest with a partner but not necessarily monogamous. Just my opinion.
▪ Interestingly . . . way back in time . . . women decided what attributes their child would have . . . strength, stature, gentleness, hair colour, etc. . . . and would then seek out amongst the males in their community or tribe . . . those who embodied or embraced those qualities . . . and they would then mate with all of the chosen ones, repeatedly . . .

When the woman became pregnant with child . . . she would be supported by others of her ilk . . . and when the baby arrived . . . all of the fathers – sperm donors . . . would come to acknowledge their contribution to the new arrival . . . Within the tribe there would be those who quite naturally assumed the fatherly role in the child’s upbringing . . . even though they might not have been amongst the sperm donors .

What does all of this come down too?

Opinions. Beliefs. Programs.

All supported. All beautiful. All correct and all wrong. The true lesson of humanity is to love thy neighbor as thy self. And such raw topics such as infidelity and monogamy vs. non-monogamy are perfect teachers. Yet, fear blinds us. It blinds us from the possibilities of living in harmony and peace by embracing in unconditional love our neighbors, our lovers and mates and even ourselves. Instead of opening our minds and hearts we restrict them and point fingers. We say, “I am not judging you, that is God’s job,” while we state our opinion as fact. We slam the door of brotherhood because we fear our brothers beliefs. We go on witch hunts and call those who do not live according to our ways sluts, whores, tempters and temptresses. We pity them and most of all we fear the questions they pose to our soul without ever verbally asking it: Why am I not happy and what am I so scared of?

Fear is the answer to both.

Both questions come back to false evidence appearing real. Both are based on what we perceive as a danger when in fact, it is only self-created illusion supported by society.

We are not happy because we lack the strength and courage to live in integrity and authentically to be ourselves. We are fearful that if we were to do this, we would loss love, acceptance, family, comfort, all that we know. We fear that what we cherish in our lives and in love is truly conditional based.

We are scared of the reality of these conditions and that by living in our truth we will loose all that we feel we need.

And in reality….

Fear is just an illusion. There is no danger in any of the above. There is the reality that in many cases our fear WILL be supported by those parties we are interacting with and that we may very well find out that what we knew deep down is actually true. But, this just means that it was all a hoax anyway.

The hoax of conditional, fear based, controlling need wearing the mask of unconditional love.

In the end, it is a personal choice. The choice of living in a lie and being a sheep to needs of another or being a lion and standing firm for WHO YOU authentically are, just the way god made you.

Choose wisely. You deserve it!

-KW

MEN ARE AFRAID OF SEX

hotcouplessexMen are mystified by women’s sexuality – actually we’re terrified of it. Our greatest fear? That we’ll disappoint you, that you’ll dream about or find someone is better or bigger than us and that you’ll never open yourself to us again.

As a woman, you make yourself vulnerable by revealing an experience or describing a fantasy. As men, we hear the details as a challenge to us to deliver it precisely as described. We think you’re like us and that every detail is something you want in real life exactly as you imagined it.

Your romantic fantasies have us mentally calculating the expense of the trip to the exotic location and the legalities of being arrested on the beach or in the waterfall. Your more vivid ones make us fear we need to be some kind of endowed gymnast to avoid disappointing you.

What men don’t realize is that the most desirable quality for a woman isn’t muscles, sexual gymnastics or impressive endowment, it’s a partner that a woman trusts enough to simply EXPRESS herself openly to.

The reason 50 Shades of Grey was popular wasn’t because it was well written (it wasn’t) or the specific sex it described, it was because the man described was confident and utterly unembarrassed about his own sexuality and created a safe space for the woman to express both her curiosity and limitations.

Most men are stuck – we don’t intend to be, we just have fewer places than women to have healthy conversations about sexuality.

We grew up on a diet of dirty jokes and pornography with the guys while publicly the puritanical beliefs from our families, our churches and sex Ed classes made us think everything we wanted was dirty.

We’re terrified that someone will discover that we’re deviants if we reveal out fantasies or inadequate lovers if we open up about our insecurities.

At our core we suspect that women don’t want sex, that we have to convince you to like it so that we can get it. It’s almost inconceivable to us that it’s something you’d actually want or think about.

Because they fear your sexuality, Nice Guys lack bravado inside or outside the bedroom while Bad Boys try to keep up their ‘show’ when their clothes come off or reveal themselves as the timid boys they really are when things become genuinely intimate.

A conscious man realizes that a woman is open when she feels seen, safe, respected and supported. An exceptionally conscious man understands that foreplay for a woman begins the moment sex ends and that she will be open to him as long as she continues to feel seen, respected and supported.

A conscious man doesn’t disconnect (roll over, turn on the TV, leave her alone to clean up). He knows that as long as he adores her and never stops showing that he supports her that she never turns *off*.

She might not think about sex the casual way he does, but if he proves to be magnificent in her *little* things he’ll find her magnificently available with his *big* things.

Graham R White