Only in my world of crazy does this sort of stuff happen.
Only in my world is it allowed,
Embraced and accepted.
In truth, It was a day of frustration, what started out to be a productive, good feeling day quickly shifted gears to frustration and overwhelm. Not only was I just in pain physically from pushing my healing body to do more than what it most likely should have, I was also pushing myself emotionally to work through boxes of old energy from my marriage of 20 years and then my next relationship of almost 7 years.
Sorting and cleaning a garage full of memories can have its fair share of painful moments.
Really dredging up the past and forcing yourself to let go.
See the truth that you once lived,
and embrace your moment now.
This was my Monday.
All because the universe proclaimed that my internet wire would get cut from the yard guy and I would be out of online commission until it was repaired. So, I did the next best thing….
Was proactive and started sorting, cleaning and putting my house together.
After a long and full day of multiple emotions rising to be siphoned through, I was exhausted, smelly 😱 and just wanting to rest, have a glass of wine or maybe something harder, get my munchkins down for bed and yes…
I wanted a good orgasm.
Lucky for me I had this last part already in the works by inviting my lover over for dinner.
And planned on having myself and him for desert. 🔥😜🔥🔥
Everything was taking longer, except for what I was wanting to take a long time and that was the nakedness in my bed. But no, instead I was blessed with bedtime item’s and simmering down of little one’s taking MUCH longer than wanted, especially since I sat there, needing to pee, needing to shower, and just wanting to relax in my lovers arms.
Instead I was blessed with laughter coming from the other room, where my elder children, my friends and my lover enjoyed themselves and joked, connected and made light in the evening hours while I snuggled down my munchkins, smelt my stench and craved to just let go.
Breathing in the moment. I felt my ego on the cusp of just screaming.
My 21 year old daughter came and offered to help me, I shot her down, and offered her a not very well disguised guilt trip on poor mom’s mood.
My friend came and offered to help, I shot her down and offered another ego based comment, sharing that I had it all under control and that it was F-I-N-E.
I heard myself saying this bullsh*t,
I wanted the saving,
I wanted the connection,
I wanted to effing shower!
I wanted to get these babies down so I could laugh,
enjoy my evening some,
get out of my head and into my body,
and get to what I was really craving.
The orgasm between my sheets.
But I denied myself the opportunity to have it sooner than I could receive it.
I denied my family and friends the opportunity to help me,
to support me.
Instead I wanted to sit in my disgust just a little bit longer.
I was punishing myself,
for something I was not even conscious of.
I felt shame.
I felt rage.
I felt depression.
I felt like a total f*ck up to life.
I held my son on my lap as he wiggled and fought sleep,
looking at him and wondering how I could have been so stupid to let myself get caught up in yet another bad relationship with a man who claimed all this and that and in a moments notice could shut out everything, everyone and just walk away. In gratitude for the lives of my children, the reasons, the blessings from my relationship, I could smile but in my heart I felt all of this…
And I felt shame.
I felt guilt.
I felt lost.
So I punished myself in this moment.
I denied support, love, help and orgasm.
I denied God from helping me achieve my goals.
My monkey’s on the other hand refused to listen to my ego.
They refused to let me sink to far.
They refused to let mom crash,
my friends were on board with the plan,
my lover was of course on board…lol
My monkey’s decided that it was time for me to take care of me and to go after what I not just wanted but NEEDED.
So my daughter’s came in and told me to go shower, to get clean, that they had their little brother’s.
A friend got me drink.
My lover provided a smile and sparkling eye’s with a clear intent.
I shaved. (because that is what girl’s do when they are needing and wanting certain event’s 😈)
lighter in spirit,
My little one’s asleep.
Laughter filled my dinning room,
I was now part of it.
I was fully there.
My monkey’s tried to get me laid.🙊🙊😜😜🙏
They made a plan.
They figured out who was taking over for night time child care,
who would sleep where, so that mom would not have to worry about children. They discussed it, argued about it and laughed.
At the end of it,
My monkey’s tried to get me laid,
and were successful.
They created the space for mom to go,
What I wanted and NEEDED.
With No Shame.
With No Guilt.
They knew how badly I needed to just be able to drop down and connect to my lover,
to my orgasm.
They supported my well being.
My crazy world.
My family tribe.
Only Open, Unconditional.
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
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