I am back in Dallas from an eventful 10 day journey to Chicago. I must say that it was just lovely there. The weather was comfortable for the most part except for a tad bit of humidity. Everything was green and blossoming and the people were friendly and welcoming. Getting a chance to explore and to reconnect was such a blessing. It also allowed for me to submerge into the “average and ordinary” middle America with many people who have no clue as to what I do for my life work. I found a few things interesting, one being that those who stopped long enough to turn outward and inquire about what I do, once I stated to them my title (Sex & Relationship Coach) paused with a look of terror on their face for a second before they caught themselves and then quickly changed the subject. I found myself chuckling inside at this reaction but being made very aware of the sad fact that sex and sexuality is that fearful a topic for almost 100% of the population. I did not have one soul inquire deeper into what that might mean, being a sex and relationship coach or how did I ever get started in such a profession, all just became fearful and shut down.
This fear and shame of one of the most important aspects of life is what is preventing so much depression, dis-ease, violence, mental illness, heartache, discontent with life, purpose and relationships. It is also the number one cause of so many people being in a state of neediness physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and even financially. Yes sex can cure your bank account issues! But that is another topic for another day. Right now I want to share what I realized to be one of the major obstacles of intimate relationship for sure and is the cornerstone to a healthy a foundation for life in general.
One of the BIGGEST mistakes that couple’s make in their relationship is the lack of sexual communication. Often we come together in desperation weather we know it or not, we are so hungry to be in a relationship that we might say or do anything to attract the other. We allow for our beliefs, boundaries and core being to be pushed to the side so that we can play a role of who we “think” the other wants us to be. But in a short period of time this role washes away and our true nature is revealed. Or at least the nature that we believe to be us with all it’s limitations, pains and blockages. This seeming new person in the relationship may have issues with all the courting gestures that we did and ways we allowed for other possible aspects of ourselves to be revealed and even lived for a short time. So we find ourselves in a state of closed, fearful distance where we do not feel understood or loved and resentment starts to play center stage.
We suppress our sexual desire’s and our life. We expect our partners to become psychic so that they can properly please us. If they do suddenly become psychic and start to inquire about some of our desires, even hitting some on the head we shun the very thought of desire and huff that they would ever propose such a thing. We are happy, fine and perfectly comfortable right where we are. The very idea of one of our desires being manifested may cause total terror to run through us even though we can feel the soft vibrations of our genitals saying, “YES. YES.”
Why is this?
Not that long ago, my lover and I were out driving, we were goofing around with some old school kid friendly presence games (Slug Bug) and every now and again would take a moment to also sensually tease the other. Somehow this action at one point stirred a conversation and I felt myself shutting down, fear swept across me. I immediately began to self inquire as to what caused this and why, however while I quickly chipped away at it my lover looked at me and said, “Your still dealing with pussy shame.” And you know what, he was right. the next 100 miles of the trip opened me to this awareness. I have felt it rise up and I have noticed some of my shutdowns. I have linked back to the causes and am always actively working on pushing through these blockages and finding ways to heal, however I thought I had pushed through this one a few years ago. I thought that I actually had pussy pride not shame. Boy have I been wrong. I have been stepping gingerly down the pussy pride road but have not fully embraced my own female sexuality and desires. I still find myself having issues asking for what I want or saying no to those things that I don’t want. I dance with fear and shame each moment for feeling the hunger that I do sexually and for life.
Here is an OPPORTUNITY for expansion of the self and of the relationship.
All of these feelings stem from past programs that are still running in the background of my personality and consciousness. When I started to review why was closing instead of opening I quickly discovered the fear of loss, abandonment. A lack of trust in the masculine and in myself. Shame for wanting more and to experience myself and life to the maximum. Shame of my desire to enjoy myself physically. I found rolling around in my psyche the pain of sexual trauma from my past, the fear that if I were to open up again that something “bad” may fall on me again. I found fear and insecurity in my looks and hormonal state.
The list goes on. In self examine I discovered that I am indeed a work in progress. That as far as I have come the programs that we all have grown up with are deeply embedded and I still have work to do. Scary!
The ONLY way to succeed at ANYTHING is to be bold when all others are running scared.
This boldness is self-love. Self-acceptance.
Step away from the flock and fly like an eagle. Heaven is here waiting on each of us and we can all enjoy the bliss we desire and deserve if we allow ourselves the freedom to just BE.
Success is finding your purpose, your passion and living it FULLY.
Success is KNOWING that you are divine.
Success is self-love and acceptance for all every aspect of yourself.
Success is being at peace withing so that the world can be at peace.