I got dropped.
Again and again.
Over and over.
In the mental health and spiritual community, we are taught to focus in on the fact that we are responsible for ourselves and also that we are the most important person in our lives.
The notion that we must take care of self first and foremost and that we can not control another person’s feelings.
All very true teachings.
Yet, like much of life… it’s not always clear cut.
Today I sit here wrestling with my ego.
Because although we are the center of our own universe and must take care of ourselves. There are also times as humans where I believe we DO take second fiddle and time where we ARE responsible to a certain level for someone.
In truth, there are times where we lend our trust to another and have an agreement that we won’t get dropped. There is a consent put into place that if someone steps into a certain level of vulnerability, trust, and openness that we will be held.
If you are asking for vulnerability… then you should be able and willing to hold the other person’s vulnerability.
If you are asking for someone to step into trust… then you should be willing to stand steady to hold their deepening.
If you want your partner to truly surrender in sex and fully open to their next level orgasmic energy then you ARE offering SPACE… and you are therefore responsible for holding that space if they allow that surrender. The time, the emotion, the energy, etc.
And so you DO hold a level of responsibility for that other human.
Does that take away their responsibility for self???
Of course not.
We are still responsible ultimately, as adults, for ourselves but from a base level of not being self-centered as*holes…
It is important that we hold ourselves responsible for situations in which we are stepping into.
And therefore, there are times in our lives when we are NOT the most important person. There are times when despite us being in emotion that we must learn impulse control and learn to breathe into our feelings. There are times when it is appropriate to put others needs before our own.
I know that many will say… “You’re the most important person in your life and it’s okay to be selfish”.
And I agree with this most of the time.
We live in a society where we don’t know how to truly take care of self and where we often try to be people pleasers. On a daily basis, this is not healthy and will drain us consistently.
Being focused on taking care of self is perfectly beautiful.
Though the issue happens when we are only self-focused to the detriment of others needs and consent.
This is particularly true in our sex… and where my personal focus on this topic seems to be today.
When your woman (or man) opens up, when you have asked them either verbally or non-verbally to step to that deeper level of surrender.…
Then you are a straight-up A**hole if you drop them!
This past weekend, I did a bi-annual Summer Orgasm Camp. It is my favorite workshop because of the different things that get brought up and the healing I see happening at the event.
The conversation ventures everywhere from energy, to shame, to tantric practices, to good old straight sex education that is missing.
But for this particular workshop, I am blessed to not just teach but also to be the model.
I got deep… I got vulnerable… I opened…
And I got my ass dropped no less than 6 times.
My orgasm got dropped
My boundaries got dropped
My deep-hearted requests
A moment where I, yes I, am the most important person in the room barring a MAJOR emergency.
Most of these drops were unintentional or unavoidable.
Welcome to putting on my big-girl panties!!!
Everyone is there at the event in a learning process.
I actually go in knowing that I will get dropped a few times… particularly in the orgasmic energy realm.
And it is a beautiful experience for me to work on taking care of myself energetically and asking for what I need.
Though there was a pivitol moment for me at the workshop that truly shows where we constantly drop people in sex, in relationship, and in life.
And more importantly, shows an example of when someone else’s needs come before our own.
At the event.
After the demo and lab are totally complete (and therefore the workshop), there is an aftercare process of bringing me back into my body and grounding me energetically that is an agreed-upon process with my co-teacher.
Giving me a few moments where I get to breathe… share any emotions coming up after being touched by many random strangers…and also to make sure I am physically doing alright.
This time I was feeling unusually ungrounded and dizzy from the energy. I was also experiencing a variety of emotions and had some physical issues arising as a result.
The pivitol moment happened the moment I sat up and a gentleman came up asking questions and continued to pull her away from me.
My co-teacher shared no less than three times that she needed to focus on supporting me and she would be happy to answer these at another time.
I overheard him state several times that he was needing to talk…
DEMANDING with his words and actions her attention.
DEMANDING that she refocus from me to him.
AND FORCING HER physically to leave my side.
NOT respecting boundaries she continued to state
NOT respecting my process after being vulnerable with him and the rest of the class
This is a beautiful example and a mirror for what we often do in the bedroom and life.
Not being present enough and confident in our own ability to hold our emotions that we vicariously walk over others and also in that lack of presence we DROP the other people in the situation.
Whether we realize it or not we send out self-centered vibes
A selfish person would have gone and taken care of self.
Would have asked if the other person was available and if they were not available would then find another tool in the self-care toolbox to manage.
Sometimes others needs do trump ours in certain moments.
This does not mean that our needs don’t matter!
Of course, our needs matter!
This just means that there are priorities in life and sometimes we can’t be the priority.
Sometimes the priority is in learning to hold ourselves
Sometimes the priority is in waiting until we can have true focused attention
Because I know for a fact that the gentleman this weekend did not get my co-teachers full attention and presence.
And in fact, becomes a “using” energy.
The orgasmic energy was used and appreciated and needed for the learning and then easily thrown away when it no longer was serving him.
And we all have done this at some point.
We are human and so therefore constantly dropping each other consciously and unconsciously.
Where could you be dropping the energy and stepping out of selfish energy and into self-centeredness today?
Love, Light, & Blessings,
Stop being a basic b*tch in your limited thinking, showing up and all that whining that you are doing!
5 Step’s To Let Go Of Your Basic B*tch Mindset:
I get paid the BIG bucks to eff you up!
Yes I just stated that.
And the reality is just such.
If your boat ain’t rockin’…
If your cage ain’t shaken’…
your heart pounding,
and your gut churning a little,
then I promise you this….
YOU ARE TOO COMFORTABLE.
And being comfortable is a wonderful thing.
It is a thing that we all desire in a big way.
However comfort also creates blindness and can steal our dreams away from us.
Comfort can and will breed fear.
Fear of loss.
Fear of not having.
And it will make us believe that if we are not comfortable that things are bad.
It will make us think that when our cage is rattled that it is a sign to not go that direction,
that danger is on the horizon.
When in truth, that rattling is exactly what we need to transform our world into all that we want.
And this is what I do.
I rattle cages.
I flip boats upside down.
I cause tornadoes.
I reach into your soul and I dare ask it,
“What do you want?”
And soul speaks back with a commanding of the world around it saying,
” I want change. I want expansion. I want freedom. I want love. I want truth. I want to fly. I want it all!”
When this happens,
the world shifts.
It tips off its axle and and things get crazy for a bit.
Garbage starts to fly all over the place.
And people get scared that they are going to loose themselves.
They are afraid that things will change.
They are afraid of meeting their dreams.
Of seeing their truth.
and loving themselves.
This may sound crazy,
after all that is what all of us want, right?
To have a deep connection to ourselves.
To know who we are.
And stop pretending.
To just be ourselves.
And love ourselves.
Create the life that we want.
And to have it all.
And we do want this.
At a SOUL LEVEL…
This is what you want.
But you are afraid of being unsettled to get it.
You are afraid to getting crazy,
letting in the chaos,
and getting a little messy.
You want all this beautiful transformation to happen neatly.
Keep it all tidy.
Don’t show any mess,
Things need to stay in bumper rails.
Don’t need to feel stretched,
pushed or vulnerable.
Oh gosh no!
That cannot be part of the process to my SOUL ALIGNMENT.
Oh my love,
But it is the process.
And getting good with your chaos,
with the mess is exactly where you need to be.
In love with it matter a fact.
Manifesting this life that you want,
is going to cause some upheaval.
It is going to feel like pressure in moments.
It is going to cause you nausea and fear,
you will question if there are even steps before you to take.
You will feel challenged.
You will want to tap out.
And you will have a thousand excuses and good reasons as to why you cannot or should not say yes.
And this is all part of your unveiling of SOUL.
This is all part of the beautiful exposure of YOU.
The thing you must do my love,
is soften to it.
Stop trying to control it.
And instead find your joy.
That control and need to have everything perfect is your RESISTANCE to your FLOW.
So LET GO.
And just receive.
See your truth.
Step into your alignment,
And get rattled.
Shake your booty.
Rock your body.
Open your mind.
Dance this dance.
Let go of your rigidness,
That’s why I get paid the big bucks love!
I lead you into this shimmy, shake, earthquake….
of SOUL ALIGNMENT.
Where your dreams and desires flow in ease to you.
You know you want it love.
Now all you have to do is say YES.
Claim Your Life Today!
“Stop Existing & Start Living”
Coaching for Grown A*s Believer
Message me for deets on 1:1 VIP coaching now.
Don’t settle for less than what you are worth.
Don’t let comfort steal your joy,
your truth any longer.
Let’s get you started today.
We all got them. We all know how bad they are for us. We all still can’t help ourselves. And so we make them. We use them. And we feel like we are justified somehow most of the time.
You know what I am talking about. It’s the damn thing that keeps holding you back. It’s the damn effing thing that you know you need to push right past but don’t.
Because it’s your child.It’s your mate.It’s your health.It’s your time.It’s your finances. It’s your level of education.It’s yeah, yeah, yeah…..
Alright we get it….You have a great reason.
Don’t we all?
You have a freakin’ great reason as to why you can’t. Why you should not.And how this or that is truly holding you back.Holding you still. You just need to pause. You just need to get out of debt. You just need to get ahead some. You just need your kids all in school. You just need to ease in before you approach your mate. You just need to make sure that you can make the time. You just…..
That’s all so true.
Its all bullsh*t.
You don’t need to wait for any of that to live the life you were born to live.
You don’t need any of that to create the abundance, the freedom, the happiness, YOUR DREAMS.
And you sure as f*ck DON’T need to WAIT.
But you are. And the waiting is getting old. The waiting is draining you. The waiting….will the waiting ever be over?
Or will life end before the waiting?
And that is what you should be worried about. You should not be worried about all these things. And if you are striving to have your dreams manifest for some of these excuses which are also your reasons, then why….
why my dear are you still sitting on your thumb waiting?
What do you think waiting will accomplish?
Will you wait long enough and suddenly have enough money to buy that business or write that book?Or will the money just come and go as money always does. And you will still be waiting, wishing you had not waited till now, but willing to wait till later still to do the damn thing that you know that you must do if you will live the life that your soul is calling you to live.
Or will you ever have the time or the energy to just add in another thing and build your dreams with the focus that you know it will take?
Or will you sit there, waiting for the time, waiting for the energy, waiting for the focus, and watch your life drift by. Just like it has been the last five years. The last ten, twenty or whatever the eff it has been…. Don’t you think, that if you had just said yes to yourself maybe somewhere back there, and done the damn thing, just got started that, maybe, maybe you might be closer to your dreams then where waiting has gotten you?
IDK, Maybe I am just being crazy. Maybe I am being irrational. I mean what do I know….
You know what I know…I know that my WHY can also be one of my biggest challenges to success. I know that if I allow my why to become my excuse, that it will quickly. and it will destroy the possibility of me manifesting the life that I want for myself, for my children, for all that I care for. I know that my WHY, can easily grow into a fierce darkness, stopping me from moving forward.
And I can tell you that I love my why enough to tell my why to get the eff out of my way and not hold me back.
I have chosen to make what feels like sacrifices in a way for a short period of time so that I can guarantee my success.
I have set my desires out, and I have written out my goals.I know that the excuses that I might have, and some of them are some damn freakin’ doozies at that, are not here to help me succeed. No matter how logical they may seem. No matter how heart jerking they might be.No matter how “in alignment” they may appear, they are still the DAMN THINGS that prevent.
Prevent us from living the life that God intended.Prevent us from SAYING YES! to ourselves.Prevent us from THRIVING.
So why do you keep allowing them into your world dear?Why do you keep making space for all that, that does not serve you?Why do you keep believing the falsities of this world and denying your power love?
You better figure it out.And when you do, hope you have not waited to long that your dreams became another’s and were lost to you this lifetime.
Because you my dear, came here with a purpose. And purpose was to SHINE.
You will never accomplish that by hiding underneath those beautiful excuses….
I mean reasons. 🙂
So as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Oh love, why do you blame yourself for all that others have going on?
Why do you take responsibility for their emotions,
their happiness, their joy?
Why do you stand there in all your power and let them deplete you so that they can feel stable yet again?
Oh love, this does nothing for you.
And even though it may appear for some split second that you are helping those you care about to be better,
you are not truly assisting them.
You teach them nothing by your soothing of what is not yours to soothe.
And you know at your core how dangerous this soothing can be for your own well being,
and for the relationship as well.
But, it is hard to not try and fix.
It is difficult to say no.
It feels harsh to state the truth,
that it is NOT your responsibility for their whirlwind emotions.
For their ebbs and flows.
Their highs and lows.
Their over thinking and worry.
Sure you can change who you are.
You can say things as that they want to hear.
You can pretend to be a way that is not in truth to your soul.
And you can pretend.
You can be that pretender and give them the “love” that they think is love and think they want from you.
That they deserve,
or that you should do if you truly cared.
Truly loved them.
You could change every facit of yourself to meet the needs of another,
and at the end of your attempts you would discover that they were still lost and now you are too.
And that is all that you would give them.
The loss of who you are.
The loss of your own soul
And you too my love,
would then be like those that want this of us.
Lost, sad and masking.
Afraid to look deep within.
And find what all of us must, ‘if we are to discover our truth,
That my love is the simple, harsh reality.
That no one on this planet is here to please another,
other than the self.
It is not your life requirement,
to be responsible for another’s peace of mind,
happiness or feeling love.
Just like it is not up to them to do this for you.
These things are ONLY found from within.
And until they are found,
by the seeker himself,
deep within the caverns of their own mind and heart,
they will never feel complete,
never feel safe or without worry.
They will continue to question the love offered,
and look for every reason that it is not correct.
Yes my love,
it is the truth of this matter,
that no matter how much you love another,
no matter how much you show up in truth,
no matter how much you give of self,
that you can never heal another.
You can never save them from their own demons.
As false as they may be to you,
these fears will continue to arise,
until they learn how to shine the light into their own darkness,
to soothe their own fears without destroying the world around them,
and embrace that love that they believe they feel for you,
because that love is what is inside awaiting them.
That love for you my dear,
is only a sign of the greatness of love that they have for self once uncovered and embraced in its glory.
And it is this love that must be triggered from within and seen for it’s truth.
It is this peace,
this feeling of bliss and freedom,
that we experience in our relating that we must see for what it is.
It is HERE.
HERE with us always.
It has NOTHING to do with another.
It has EVERYTHING to do with self.
The relationship is but only awakening us to it.
But, we never loose it.
We are never without it.
And we are most certainly never responsible for managing another’s emotional or mental state.
No, my love.
It is not your concern.
It does not mean you are bad.
Or not loving.
It simply means that you hold priority for the most valuable person in your life.
That person who looks back at you from the mirror.
So keep stating your truth.
Keep sharing your heart ,
and your soul.
Never allow another,
no matter how far they crash,
to steal you from yourself,
in hopes of saving them.
You are worth so much love my dear.
You are worth all that you carry in your heart.
A thousand lifetimes worth.
So step forward in faith my love,
Step forward and keep CLAIMING YOU!
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
You don’t own my sex!
You think that you want to own my sex.
You believe that it is love based.
You have been told that if someone loves you that they will not need, desire or be with anyone else.
You think that ownership is love.
But since when is slavery of any sort love?
sexual slavery is no more love than is
to brand and tag another human being and sell them to the highest bidder as though they are live stock.
That may seem offensive to some.
It may seem extreme to others.
I am pretty sure that many are flabbergasted in this moment that anyone would say such a thing in today’s world.
But seriously, owning someone else in any fashion or form is NOT LOVE.
And I can tell you that you have no right to own another persons sex.
It’s far more than the genitals that I speak of here.
It is one’s core.
It is one’s creative energy.
It is one’s soul.
Their guidance system if they are tapped into it.
Our alignment to life,
to our path,
and all that we can be stems from this place within ourselves.
It hubs all that we are.
It is our primal,
And you think that it is loving to own.
That it is loving to sign over the papers to such a thing.
That it is someones duty,
or a rightful expectation to demand that one give this to anyone?
May I challenge those of you who read this and want to spout back some negative comment,
some biblical quote,
some moral statement as you believe it to be,
may I challenge you to ask yourself this….
“What do I get out of owning another person’s sex?”
You need to get real here.
Because the truth of your desire and your fake love is found in the answer to this question IF….
IF you can be truthful in your answer.
And for those of you who cannot let me answer it for you.
And guess what?
All of these are fake.
Just like the love that you are claiming that “makes” you do it.
Love has nothing to do with ownership.
Love has nothing to do with having power over someones anything.
Love has nothing to do with security.
Let alone demanding and trying to force security.
Love is a risk.
Love is powerful.
Love is freeing.
Love is unconditional.
And it has NOTHING to do with our sex.
Sure you have far better,
more connective and intimate,
sex with love at play then without.
It takes you from two bodies rubbing against each other and enjoying some friction to a true opening,
and blissed out state.
But love has nothing to do with sex.
And it DOES NOT mean that we love someone more or less if we have sex with them or not.
Sex is not a barometer for love.
Sex is about feeling ones self in a most pure, authentic, real capacity.
Through our sexing we meet ourselves.
We feel ourselves.
And we expand in who we can be.
Through our sexing we are offered a taste of intimacy into ourselves.
That is what makes sex so damn intimate.
It is not intimate because we see another person naked.
It is not intimate because we are physically connecting.
It is not intimate because this other being is feeling anything or not.
It is intimate because we are experiencing all of this about OURSELVES with the assistance of another who is doing the same.
But this form of intimacy.
INTO – ME- I- SEE
only comes about when we are present with ourselves and no longer hiding from our shadows.
When we are being responsible for ourselves and not looking for anyone else to fill us in any way.
Not wanting to be completed by anyone else,
not wanting to feel loved by anyone,
or gain our happiness from anyone else.
This sort of intimacy comes when we are NOT IN NEED.
But in LOVE.
Love of self.
Happy with self.
Intimacy with self.
Whole in self.
Worthy in self.
If you believe that you “need” anyone else to do any of these things for you and that equates love then you are far, far away from true love my dear.
So one more question for you to ask of yourself….
“Do I feel more loved by my partner if they do not have sex with anyone but me?”
okay maybe two questions.
“And if yes, then what about them only having sex with me, makes me feel loved, or guarantees a greater love in your opinion?”
The reality is that we harbor a lot of judgement around our sex and the sex of others.
We condemn people for wanting sex.
We condemn people for not wanting sex.
We judge and call names,
label and make opinions into facts that do not exist,
based on on our judgments to make ourselves feel safe.
Feel better than.
And if you loved.
The way love is to be,
which is unconditional.
Than you would see that your judgments on another’s sex and your desire to control it for them,
is not of love,
but of ego.
And your own insecurities around your sex and heart.
You aim to protect yourself by controlling another’s actions.
You aim to protect and make sure that pain and suffering does not befall on you,
as if you were meant to never feel the contrast of pain in your life,
and as if pain and growth was wrong,
when in fact when one can lean in,
and love through the pain.
Through the fear.
Through all that we paint in our illusions of our ego,
and SIMPLY LOVE.
and allow for the reality that we are to love many in many forms of the word.
That “relationship” in any aspect is all about LOVE.
And without love, the relationship should not even be.
So to try and control one’s love or how they choose to connect in any relationship is nothing more than an insecurity based in fear and desire to hide from one’s own expansion and feelings.
It is a fear to experience the beauty of true unconditional loving.
I challenge you today my love,
to feel your true heart and to expand yourself and do the inquiry work so that you can have relationship based not in need and thus control, but in the beauty of surrendering to unconditional love.
This is not written to give permission to those who lie and cheat,
who step out of integrity and say that they just cannot be themselves. No this is not written to give any such permission.
This is written to challenge all who read it about what sort of love they have based their relationships in and to bring up the empowering discussions of truth and honesty, coming from a place of love and intimacy.
Communicate in love.
Not in fear.
Stop allowing your past pains to mask your current heart.
Step out of your desire to have what is not possible,
that requires faith, grace and communication.
Step out of that desire,
the desire for security and guarantee’s,
where your “love” remains the same and tidy in a box that it was never meant to be kept in.
Because my dear,
relationship will never be something that does not cause you pain.
It will push you to your limits.
It will challenge your core.
It will make you question all that you have believed and known,
and it will ask you to stand in who you are,
not of who you were, or will be.
Yes my dear,
relationship is just this and nothing more.
It is a place where we meet ourselves in all,
where we get to embrace if we allow,
our hearts and heal our wounds.
Strengthen our love and KNOW our core.
You do not own my sex.
And your sex is not owned.
You are a free soul.
A free being.
Remember this my love.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”
**FUN FACT – There are five loves in this picture. And even though some are still beside me and some are no longer active roles in my life. All are still unconditionally loved by me.**
Oh girl you are so effing turned on.
Its like you rounded a corner and now you are hot to trot for every yummie thing that presents itself to you.
And damn girl you know that you are wanted too.
You know that what you got is something special.
You know that if you dare flaunt it just a little,
you are bound to piss a few peeps off,
but that’s how it works right?
You piss some peeps off by shining oh so bright.
And the one’s who love that light of yours will be your tribe.
So why are you holding back girl?
Why are you still hiding there in your shadows.
Afraid to step all the way out and just go,
Here I am world!
Here I am and you know what?
I am one turned on bad a*s woman.
There I said it.
I claimed it.
I am powerful and I am no longer satisfied with just sticking my toe in the pool.
I want to swim.
I want to totally soak up that luscious experience of turn on.
I want to shine,
and mask no more.
hide no more.
Oh girl! just let yourself fly.
Trust in your wings.
They are beautiful.
They are bold.
They will carry you and they will clear the darkness for so many others who need you to lead them.
You know what I am saying here.
You can feel it at your core.
Just pause for a moment from all your busy work,
all that you aim to side track yourself with and effing PAUSE.
So that you can feel.
Feel that power inside of you.
It feels like a dragon waking from its slumber does it not.
And it is YOU Baby!
You are that eruption,
waiting to happen.
You are that fierce fire that will conquer all those demons that you think are lurking in your shadows but are actually only illusions of others peoples fears that you have been available too.
You know what to do.
stretch into yourself and FEEL your greatness.
You are the light.
But you must step into your own light before anything else happens.
Claim Yourself Today!
And Always Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
You got this!
You know you do.
So why are you so scared.
Why are your hands shaking,
your gut tense, and your breathing so shallow.
You got this beautiful.
You have had it from the get go.
You have done it before.
You know that you were not designed to just sit on the side lines and watch others live their dreams.
No, you were made to run with the leaders.
You were made to speak your truth.
You were made to share that beautiful ass vision that you have in the pretty head of yours.
You have got this.
And yet you still doubt.
You doubt your ability.
You doubt the time that you have.
You doubt that you have the courage,
the ability to get it all done and to do it right.
You fear that you will fail.
And that makes you want to just cringe.
That makes you want to cry.
That makes you want to run away and hope that it all just does not follow you.
But at the same time you want it to follow.
You don’t want to let go.
You don’t want to hide.
You don’t want to not allow.
And that is what it is really is all about,
is it not?
Allowing yourself to receive your own effing greatness.
Allowing yourself to stand out in the crowd.
Allowing yourself to be who you were born to be.
That f-cking amazing,
soul that was born to stand out.
Born to run with the 1%.
Those who know who they are.
Who they want to be.
How powerful they can be.
And are not afraid to claim that sh*t.
To claim all their dreams.
Yes you got this!
And if you just simply settle into having it,
it will just happen for you.
You know that all you have to do is say mother f-cking yes to yourself.
So what are you waiting for?
What are you sitting around and hoping about,
when it is all right there in your hands love?
You know what to do.
So just go do it.
Stop making those excuses.
They are not becoming.
There is no power in them,
the power my love is all in you.
And you know you got this.
So just LIVE IT.
And PROCLAIM IT.
Because you are a f-cking powerhouse.
A bad a*s that knows her heart.
That feels so much and knows how to claim it.
Nothing can stop you love.
Unless you allow it too.
And still the only thing that can stop you truly,
You got this!
and have it you shall my love.
Because every time you look in the mirror,
you see your greatness.
It haunts you.
It claims you.
You are not like everyone else, ‘who settles for average and ordinary.
You are a queen.
Not just any queen,
you are a queen who knows her deepest truth,
who desires her grandest heart to be revealed.
You want to be seen.
You want to make an impact.
You know you have a mission love.
So realize this….
Realize that YOU are powerful.
Your focus is magic.
Your heart is your lead.
And the universe has your back love.
Leap into that uncharted land,
those waters that entice you.
That you long to swim in.
And let them carry you love.
Carry you to your dreams.
You got this!
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”
From Guest Author Addison Bell
It’s all fun and games until you actually have to deal with the other side.
You sit and desire certain characteristics of those in your life, and especially out of a romantic partner. Yet, I daresay that many times you are asking for a mess of contradictions.
Its easy to look at some aspirational values and personality traits and think that this is exactly what you want to pull into your life but if you aren’t careful you will end up pulling in exactly what you don’t desire.
And the funny thing is that your Ego would probably throw a tantrum and say, “But I do do desire it, I do want that, I can hold that person” but in the end you really can’t handle it.
You might desire someone who is playful and has that flirty personality that makes you feel all bubbly inside… until they are flirty and playful with others and it smacks right into your jealousy and trust issues.
You might desire someone that knows how to act like a “lady” or “gentleman” when you are out in public and can hold the proper level of poise… until they are always poised and never able to let go of that persona (even in the bedroom).
You might desire someone that has their own life and is more free flowing with the relationship. Someone that isn’t that awful word “clingy”… until they can’t be there and support you the way that you need and you never truly feel held.
And really any trait that you desire in a partner is going to have the opposite side.
It is pretty commonly known from a psychological perspective that in relationships the aspects that often attract you to your partner are also the very same aspects that can cause the greatest struggle.
There is that old saying about how men should want a lady in the streets and a freak in the streets.
We want our partners to be both sides of a coin….
And most of the time it can mean the destruction of a relationship!
Now, thankfully we are complex beings and so are not one thing or the other. If you take the above example of having a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets… I know many women that are able to present one aspect of themselves when out at dinner parties and then turn around and have a mind-blowing sexual evening with a partner. Both are authentically them and both are aspects of who they ae.
Though these women have also worked through the stereotypes that come with both sides of the coin and know where they are authentically.
Though, lets be honest, yes I mean really honest here…
Most people are NOT doing deep personal work on a daily basis. And most people are not willing to look at when their ego’s arise in relationships. So when an aspect that is a turn on in one sense becomes a turn-off… we blame that other person. We don’t look at ourselves and where WE might be the ones that have unspoken expectations.
Many times we even struggle to admit where we struggle in relationships and where our ego’s simply can’t handle something.
You want a partner that is free, playful, open-minded but then when this pushes on your jealousy, your need for attention, and your belief that there is a certain way to “do” relationships…
Can you actually look yourself in the face or actually look that other person and say, “I don’t want you to be so free”. “I wish you weren’t so playful”, “I want you to be open-minded but just not about this topic”.
Most would look at the other person as the issue and not be able to truly say… “I am not able to hold this aspect of you”.
Again, we are complex and hold so many intricacies. Each person, situation, and experience will present a different expression of self. So what fits and is a desire with one partner or relationship could be entirely different than what fits and is a desire in another relationship.
In truth it all comes back (as always) to self and looking deep within ones self authentically. What are we desiring in our relationships? And then looking at if we truly could hold that characteristic in another if it presented to us. Where would our ego get shaken? What are non-negotiable in our relationships?
If you want freedom… how free?
If you want play… how playful?
If you want stable… how stable?
If you want sexy… how sexy?
What can you truly, honestly, at your core hold?
Get honest with yourself! And start doing your inner work to help you be able to look within when situations arise.
And more than even that…
Get honest with self when someone presents something that truly won’t fit with you and your life. Don’t pretend to be okay with something that is a hard NO. This will only push you further and further out of alignment from self.
Most importantly LOVE self first and foremost. When we do this we are most able to be authentic, honest, and love another. Even if the way we are loving that other is by letting them go and be who they are authentically.
Sending you all…
Love, Light, & Blessings,