Some wounds never heal for a woman.
I have learned through the course of my 44 years on this planet thus far and who know how many lifetimes before ( if that’s even a thing) that some wounds live with us and carry forward no matter how we try to mask, hide, forget or “heal” them.
They are markings on our vessel that serve a purpose that we are to never fully turn away from.
And as a woman, I feel that the feminine perhaps emotionalizes and carries them even deeper than the masculine can ever comprehend.
Around the topics of love, sex and children,
we discover the potential for some of the most significant wounds.
And I believe that because a woman feels life move through herself in all of these areas that when a wound occurs here that it impacts deeper and on all fronts of her experience.
Think about it….
Sex happens inside a woman’s body.
When you have sex with a woman,
you are INSIDE her body.
You are actually inside another human being in these moments,
and inorder for her to enjoy the moment then she must not be in her mind,
but be able to surrender emotionally, mentally and physically to the experience.
Sex is an external expereince for a man for the most part.
Sure men have heart in it,
and the best lovers come from this space not just from their genitals,
but still sex is happening outside of the mans physical body, creating a certain level of detachment to the process.
Where for a woman,
it is the opposite. It is happening inside her actual body. She must open her body to her partner and in order for her to not be harmed she must trust that her partner will be present and honor that space of her being as well as her heart.
This is why, rape or anything in its nature is not just a physical act that can be physically healed through. It is far more impactful than that. It is mental/psychological and emotional.
And the repercussions are life long for many in these areas. It is something that will bear with it body memory FOREVER.
If we look at love, here too a woman goes deep. She loves with her whole being and she opens herself from this complete state. She is not just loving, ( when it is pure and real) from a place of mind or body. It is not a place of logic. It is the whole being. And when a woman enters into love from this space she melts into the relationship, she becomes one with her partner and she surrenders her fears, her doubts, her pain and armour. She puts it all down and opens herself to being conquered by her man.
Here she is truly vulnerable and knows that he can do great damage if he turns away or chooses to not stand strong in their love. But she enters love anyway.
This is a space that if wounds occur,
they never fully heal.
They remain with a a scar, a void underneath her shield for her lifetime,
always craving for what was had and then lost.
If a woman becomes a mother,
no matter the time that she is one,
She has forever surrendered to this new state of understanding about self and life.
Many women become mothers but are not with children.
Many women believe that these moments that they carried a child ( may it be weeks, months or years) that in the loss, whether chosen or not, that the impact can be overstepped and forgotten.
But once experienced they have to surrender their deepest heart to the truth that it will forever be carried with them.
The deepest of losses.
Men again have heart here,
feel loss here,
but cannot ever fully understand the impact emotionally, physically or mentally that it can have on a woman,
and the disconnect that occurs at this loss between the woman and her very soul and body.
Again this is because it is internal for the feminine and external for the masculine.
A man is told about what he helped create but he does not breathe each day of creation in the true essence and feeling of shared space with another soul 24/7. He does not experience the hormonal responses, the emotional tolls or the physical labor of the event.
And if that child is lost,
he can never comprehend the impact of the mind/body/heart or soul that it takes on the feminine,
because he is detached to the external experience.
All three of these wounds:
All three of these experiences awaken and shut down the very heart of a woman.
They are life altering.
From a cellular level they forever change who the woman is and how she chooses to walk through life.
They have the potential to make her blossom,
Not one of these life experiences can ever be fully healed or forgotten.
Many women experience all three wounds.
Many women do not pay proper honor to these transformation points but in turn shame, guilt and blame themselves for them.
The self-hatred and disgust that is often lived in for a lifetime to follow,
prevents the feminine from ever fully receiving herself again, and she walks through life fearing and doubting her truth.
It is difficult to get a woman who has experienced these wounds to ever set her armour fully down again and trust.
And if she does choose to do so,
she is quick to grab her sword and shield at the slightest sign of trouble.
She forever will walk on eggshells within herself, knowing how fragile she truly is.
And yet the answer is to trust herself and learn to love herself fully again,
despite the pain that she carries,
knowing our courage and strength as a woman is where we can once again enter into love with self and trust with God.
From this feminine heart to yours,
I feel your pain and fear,
I have walked all these wounded paths before,
and I speak today to you beautiful women of the world from that place of not healed,
but a knowing that in our honor of self that we find our breath,
we discover our life again,
and we live.
Stop Existing & Start Loving
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ladies it’s time to own your power and learn to love again.
Love self again.
Honor self and live your F-ck Yes Life Now!
Reach out to me for my ladies only coaching opportunities now.
There I was sitting on my bed naked with my morning cup of coffee when he said it….
I know what he was saying was to be a compliment.
I know that what he meant was that I was amazing and that he loved me.
I logically understand.
But that’s not how it translated after it got grabbed up by a wound from my past.
Okay so let me explain about what I am saying here.
You see in my house we have this thing,
and you simply never know where these conversations will go,
nor how they will get stirred up and be birthed either.
It is drastically different each day.
after some decent sexing,
I found my lover and I in bed,
I was naked drinking my morning cup of coffee,
I opened my phone and saw something on all the pedphillia conversations that are currently bouncing around. It struck a chord with me instantly and I shared with him my utter disgust and anger on the concept that pedaphillia should be accepted as a representation of love. I showed him an image that is being put up in Denver, Colorado right now of a rainbow background and silhouette of a man and small child that might be four years at best chasing butterflies, the image says,
” Pedophiles are people too. Because Love is Love.”
My share to him on this topic was that yeah, pedophiles are people too, but having sexual feelings or engagement toward a child, especially a small child is not love and that a child does not have the emotional/mental or physical maturity to understand. These “people” are stealing not just the innocents of our children but actually causing emotional/mental and physical damage to the child.
And that sure AF is not okay and is NOT love.
After that conversation and agreement on the topic, I told him I needed to get to work and write a musing for the day and that my topic was going to be,
“My boyfriend would be perceived a sex addict if he was dating someone else…”
To this he smiled at me and said,
“If you were with you, you would be a sex addict too.”
And this is where it all went dark folks.
In his compliment he unknowingly triggered an old wound.
Now an average and normal woman would have said something coy, kicked the statement out without too much attention, or done whatever she could to change topics if she were triggered,
but not I…..
took a deep breath and allowed myself to feel the trigger.
To feel this wound that just got scratched.
I looked at the wound,
identified that it was not in current and that he had no ill will in his statement.
However, the truth was it triggered me.
And I did not want to spend my day retracted from him or life in general with this trigger and wound playing tennis in my psyche.
So I spoke up.
“That was a triggering statement you just made.”
And then I shared why.
I shared that four years prior when I was in an open relationship,
I found myself in a threesome with my primary two lovers,
who’s intent was to create a yummie experience one day for me where they would both ravish me and we would play and enjoy one another.
However my ex got so excited he did not apply the time or attention needed to my physical body that I needed him to take.
Even though I was highly turned on,
my physical being was not caught up to my mental and emotional turn on for the experience.
And he quickly grabbed a glass dildo with no lube on it and penetrated me with it,
unfortunately it was rough at entry and because I was not organically lubricated yet it tore the delicate skin of my vaginal lining,
leaving me feeling torn and burning for days to come.
He did not take much time going down on me as he was too excited about the whole event and penetrated me quickly after removing the glass dildo.
His hast and excitement level created the scenario of him being a two pump chump in this moment,
and he came so quickly that I barely even knew what had happened.
He then looked at me and said,
“If you were not so hot I could withhold it better.”
Again, I believe that his intent was to compliment,
but what he actually was doing was blaming me,
making me responsible for his inability to last,
to be in control of his body,
his thoughts and feelings,
his sexual energy.
And he tossed his power over to me and made me responsible.
My feeling after hearing this was,
” I need to not be me.”
I felt like if I did not moan that way,
if I was not playful like I am,
If my body did not look like this,
If I was not open the way I am,
Then he would be able to stay with me longer,
last longer and I too could engage in pleasure in these moments.
It was my fault that my partner has premature ejaculation issues.
Fast forward to current moment and my partner telling me that if I was with me, I would be a sex addict too….
This too speaks that I am responsible for my partners thoughts, actions, desires, habits, feelings, etc.
He is not responsible.
He is innocent and cannot help himself.
It’s my fault for being me the way that i am that causes the issues,
So what should I do if I am not okay with an issue?
Well I need to shut my shit down.
I need to not be as turned on.
I need to guard my moans.
I need to go limp.
I need to not engage in sex.
I need to not dress this way or that.
I need to not be as playful.
I need to change myself so that he can handle being around me.
But THIS is not what men want their women to do in truth.
And most men don’t actually believe that it’s the woman’s fault that they have weak stamina or high turn on.
Not fully that is.
They do however blame her to a degree,
just like she takes responsibility.
It’s because of how we were raised.
Girls are told from a young age that we are responsible for how boys look at us.
How they speak to us.
That if we wear yoga pants then we are at fault for a guy thinking things or desiring things.
If a girl or woman gets raped or any sexual harassment then its her fault typically because she was asking for it based on her looks, choice in clothes, attitude, playfulness, how she blinked or smiled, etc.
And guys are told that,
“Boys will be boys and that they cannot help it.”
This all steals one’s individual power from them.
Men become disempowered by escaping responsibility for their own consciousness or lack thereof, their feelings, desires and actions, they get to turn away from and hand the reins of power over to the woman.
Women lose their power by believing this responsibility transfer and shutting themselves down, changing who they are so to not cause issues.
I believe that Namaste Moore puts its so well,
And her statement is true for ALL subjects of our life.
“People who are not conscious about their OWN power will always sound the alarm about other people’s power. People who recognize their own power… understand that no one has power over them and they have power over no one else. Freedom.”
It’s easy to see the truth in this statement when we look at some of the political and world topics of current,
But can you see its truth in our sexing and relationships as well.
Because it’s there too.
In owning that we get triggered,
In speaking up about what is stirring in us as to prevent separation from self and thus another and life,
We reclaim our power.
In pausing on our words and asking ourselves,
“Is this a statement of love or of fear?”
In looking at what our words are actually speaking,
Because often we try to compliment but in truth a transfer of our power to another is happening.
And when these transfers in power happen we create chaos in our relationships,
In communication we thus create contrast that feels uncomfortable because we are not consciously processing and taking responsibility for our own inner shadow lands.
Today look at your relationships.
Look at your sexing.
Look at your expectations and desires.
And ask yourself if you are owning your power or handing it over to someone else?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn how you can claim your power and have a turned on life and relationship?
Reach out to me today for deet’s on couples or individual coaching now.
IT TAKES COURAGE TO HAVE AN AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP.
I have this belief that ALL…
Yes ALL people who are in an intimate relationship with another need to go through the inquiry and inner work as well and relating work that those who have successful open relationships do.
I believe that no matter how you label your relationship,
that you should explore authentic relating for what it really means.
Most monogamous couples “think” they know each other.
“Think” they love each other unconditionally.
“Think” they are best friends and trust each other.
“Think” they are doing it right and will have success.
Most people who decide to open up their relationships choose to do so at a low period in their primary relationship and “think” that opening up will fix something.
“Think” that you can just overnight shift gears and that this thing called inner work and couples work to set agreements, learn each other and communicate are not needed.
That you can go zero to 100 overnight so to speak.
Both cases are detrimental to the relationship.
And it’s because the number one issue in relationships is communication.
And I am sure you may be among the many who believes that you communicate well with your partner.
You may think that you got this fully taken care of ,
but I ask you, is this true?
98% of couples that I have worked with over the last 15+ years come in telling me that they are good if not great communicators,
that their partner is their bestie and they can tell them anything.
But not three sessions into coaching and the truth is discovered.
They suck at communication.
Because they keep it at a surface level.
There is no depth in relating.
And if they touch on depth,
it causes confrontation,
triggers old wounds and fears,
and both parties end up dancing in their ego’s and speaking from their pain bodies instead of their heart centers.
So they avoid it.
They shut their truth down,
they tell their partners a softer version or nothing at all,
and they hide the best they can from themselves for as long as they can as to not rock the perfect picture of a loving connected relationship that they are wanting to paint.
When the hard fact is that they have challenges.
It takes courage to speak up in a relationship.
It takes courage to be real in a relationship.
It takes courage to listen without trying to change, control or freak out about what might be being shared in a relationship.
It takes courage to remain stable inside yourself when living authentically with another.
And it takes courage to be raw and real with yourself so you can do all the above.
But f-ck is it worth it,
just like you are worth it and so is your relationship.
You see, if you are among the many who are not operating at this level of authentic relationship but desire open communication, unconditional love, acceptance, honesty and truth in the relationship and from your partner,
then how is it ever going to be possible if you live hiding from yourself and basing your feelings and actions in fear of losing your partner?
If you are making your partner responsible for your happiness and worthiness then how can they ever just be themselves and state their truth to you?
If you are holding expectations as to what they need to do, how they need to act then how can they share their truth with you about anything that may pose a difficult conversation? And how is this unconditional love?
If you define yourself based on your relationship,
which simply means you are not strong in WHO YOU ARE,
then how can you be truthful with another?
To be authentic, truthful and honest with another you first must KNOW YOURSELF and be strong at your core so you are not rocked by another.
Remember that humans are fickle.
We ebb and flow,
we all are live waves in our feelings, emotions, thoughts and that we get caught in our wounds as well as our desires.
In authentic relating we understand that
there is your business,
there is my business,
and there is God’s business,
and that we each are ONLY RESPONSIBLE for one of those.
Anything else is sticking our noses where they are not needed.
The most unconditional loving person is the person who knows themselves, loves themselves first, and can embrace their shadow self as well as their glorious light.
They know their worth and it is not dependent on any outside source.
This is a person who can love deeply and unconditionally.
This is a person who can truly be honest and real.
This is a person who is self-empowered and therefore has the ability to allow for their partner to grow, to speak, to change.
As it is so intended.
relationships need to evolve over time.
This means that both parties need to do the same.
Expecting ourselves, our partners or the relationship to remain the same,
causes stagnation to our individual growth and the evolution of our love and relationships.
This is the coward’s path.
And it typically results in two things:
It takes courage to relate authentically.
It takes courage to relate in unconditional love.
It takes courage to catch our control issues in a relationship.
It takes courage to see our fear based actions, feelings and thoughts for what they are… fear of our own inadequacies, fear of our worthiness and lack of value, the lack of personal acceptance cast onto our partner, and fear of abandonment.
But when we stand in courage and face our truth,
love ourselves through our fears,
we open the gates to deep, penetrative love and acceptance with our partner.
THIS is what we all crave and desire.
You are worthy of this beauty.
You are worthy of this sort of love.
Offer it to yourself and your partner today,
by starting with seeing YOURSELF authentically and leaning into those difficult conversations.
Reach out to me if you want information on how to go about just this and more.
Learn authentic relating no matter your relationship title to create an evolved loving relationship that fits your soul’s path now.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
“I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”
Maybe I have commitment issues some would say,
and I have been told this from past lovers.
They were convinced that because I refused to be labeled,
because I refused to DTR ( define the relationship) that I was not good with commitment.
They could not just accept my looks of love and desire for what they were.
They could not accept the sweet and tender vulnerable moments shared for what they were,
They could not just go with the passion shared and the hours and days or even weeks spent enthralled with each other.
No, they wanted the MF LABEL.
And for some reason, the label is what made everything real.
Not the actual effing relationship that was presenting itself each day, each moment.
No, they could not trust that.
They needed the words spoken,
just how they wanted to hear them too mind you,
for it to actually be real.
Nothing mattered but the label.
And because I am a person who understands what labels are actually about,
I have a really tough time getting down with defining any relationship for that matter.
And here is why.
You see labels and definitions of relationships have NOTHING to do with love or commitment for that matter.
They don’t have anything to do with trust either,
and they are not offering any more security for either party as well.
What they do is allow us to compartmentalize the relationship, cause separation because now we segregate this relationship from the rest of our lives.
Labels allow us to define what the relationship “should” look and feel like. How it “should” play out and what the expectations are within the pretty little box that we have put it into allows for.
Labels are often asked for because one party or both are wanting validation for their existence and level of importance in the relationship.
This validation gives a false sense of security.
Which makes the partners feel safe and believe that NOW since the relationship has been properly defined that neither party will step out of the box that it has been filed in.
And that is what DTR is all about folks.
Validation of self through another, false security and control.
Because with this DTR what we are wanting is the safety ultimately of knowing ( well believing) that our partner is now “OUR PROPERTY” as defined by the label provided.
And of course they are down with abiding by the rules of this definition.
Funny little note, most people just assume that other people’s definitions and rules of the label are exactly what their own are and never stop to discuss these important things with the person that they are trying to do a relationship with and get a label on.
In my opinion,
(and maybe…. just maybe… I have worked with just a few couples over the last few decades) that one of the major reasons so many couples are not satisfied or in full alignment with their partner is because they miss this vitally important conversation on the front side.
The conversation around, “Why do you do relationships? And what are your needs/desires/expectations within a relationship?”
Can you imagine if we started having these inquiries between ourselves and our lovers?
And what if….
what if our lovers answered authentically.
OMFG! That would be amazing.
But often because so many have limited worth and self- esteem issues,
they find themselves needing to feel safe through the validation of their partner instead and therefore answer accordingly to get the result that they want from their partner instead of being truthful and having a truly intimate conversation around their differences.
All relationships at some point come to a place where the definition sorta just manifests organically.
But it is an energy that a couple will grow into as time and depth in the relationship is established,
not some words stated because partners feel pressure from what they have been told is important to ask for come date three or month six, or whatever the f-ck timeline you are working on.
If you are among the many people out there that feels that need the label to lean and trust more,
or to not have your jealousy anymore,
or to be able to be more vulnerable or intimate with your partner,
and believes that the label is a sign of love,
then you truly need to explore what your definition of love really is about.
And ask yourself if this label is truly what you are wanting or if you are actually requesting to set up agreements with your partner as to what your relationship rules are and are not.
Then ask yourself how this desire to label and set up these tidy little box homes for your relationship to get cramped in is actually serving the relationship or your supposed love for this other person?
What if you became extremely present with your partner and chose to focus on all their good traits each time you were together?
What if instead of fearing them doing something that might destroy the relationship, you chose to commit to look for how well they are showing up in it right now and how much beauty you are enjoying with them right now?
What if you opted to actually practice authentic unconditional love with them and just wanted to enjoy them in all their radiance because your desire for them was to be that person who can hold loving space without a need to contain their soul and own them?
What if you chose to just allow them to be them and you to be you?
What if you choose consciously to come into the relationship each new day as though it was a new relationship that you were excited and appreciative of?
What if you started to define your relationship by saying,
” I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”
Can you imagine how much more depth, love, compassion, witnessing, love, trust, and joy would come through your partner and the relationship?
Or continue on your path,
you know the one.
The one that has you believing that controlling your partner and defining your relationship and owning them as property in any f-cking fashion is LOVE.
And enjoy all the trauma that creates and the broken expectations and pain.
Because that is the result when we attempt to control the human spirit and not allow others to live authentically.
Not to mention,
When we do this it is only supporting our fear and at our core we feel the out of alignment that is caused with God and our soul.
Level Up Your Love Now.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to level up your relationship or learn more on authentic relating skills that can rekindle, ignite and bring average relationships into Enlightened?
Reach out to me about my Passion Coaching for Couples Program today.
I have sex probably 25 to 40 times a month.
How about you?
Sounds like a lot?
What is your opinion.
Not that your opinion matters to my sex life,
but it may matter to your sex life.
And here is what you need to be considering on this Valentine’s day….
💃Why do I have sex?
💃Why do I say no to sex?
💃What is it that I am hoping to achieve from sex?
💃How does sex serve me in life?
Sex causes us humans a bunch of problems in relationship.
And the main reason for the issues that it stirs is that we are focused on the scarcity of the sex in our lives.
Most relationships today have at least one partner if not both wanting for more of something…
More time together without distraction.
And this desire for something and the concentration we put on the evidence that we do not have it is what causes us to keep not having it.
Not having as much or the kind that we are wanting for with any of the above.
This feeling of lack then leads us to searching for it elsewhere.
Now this does not always mean an affair in the sort of sexual or even emotional with another human being….
Now sometimes we fill the void that has emerged (and we keep there with our certainty of it being there) with such things as work, exercise, hobbies, worry, booze, illegal and legal substances, etc.
Yeah you can “cheat” on your partner with any of these things.
We just don’t always view it as cheating because it is not sex and it is not another human that is taking our primary focus away from our intimate relationship or partner,
but in truth it’s possibly worse to “cheat” with one of these things then an actual human being.
I mean at least with another human you gain the possibility of filling up that void to some degree, where these items will only mask the real issues and keep you empty from the nutrient that you are searching for.
(Now, I am not saying go cheat on your partner in any fashion… I am just bringing some things to light and why people cheat to begin with.)
You may be wondering why I am choosing to discuss affairs on Valentines Day….
Well, today happens to be one of the BIGGEST days of the year that couple’s lie to each other.
Over fifty percent of couple’s have at least one partner stepping out of the relationship in secret to get their intimate needs met.
Over fifty percent of marriages are sexless.
Over 70% of women have said that they have had on multiple accounts sex they did not want with their partner, and many of them count this act as a sort of rape.
Sexual disease is on the rise…. with monogamous couples 🤔
Yeah… I just said that… do the math….
Studies have been done in recent times showing that over 20% of children in monogamous relationships are not the fathers.
And the statistics list just keeps going on.
So we lie to our partners about our intimate needs and desires.
We coddle them so as to not hurt their feelings, taking responsibility and stealing their power from them by making these choices to not speak our needs and truths to the very people we claim to be best friends with.
To claim that we want to live our lives with,
that we fully trust…
well fully as long as that mean’s that we don’t have to be vulnerable about sex to them.
That is pushing the envelope a tad bit too much.
So we refrain and lie.
Sex causes us humans a bunch of issues.
We are scared of our sex.
We are ashamed of it.
We even hate on it and don’t trust ourselves or our partners with it.
But we sure want more of it and are focused on not having enough of it, are we not?
It is beacuse sex equals:
👉 Makes us feel worthy – it affirms that we are worthy of someone else’s attention and feeling good.
👉Makes us feel lovable – it is evidence that our partner loves us.
👉Makes us feel desired – if our partner gives us sex then that means they want us.
👉Makes us feel happy – if we have an orgasm/climax then chemicals are released that help us to feel less stress and happy
I have heard many a man say, “Sex makes me feel powerful and that I am a man!”
I have heard a lot of women say, “Sex makes me feel used and that it is my duty.”
Do you see it?
I hope so.
And here is where sex causes us relationship issues at an even deeper level.
Here is where bitterness, resentment and anger,
as well as traum get stored up.
And where other problems ( such as the one’s at the beginning of this musing) get their roots for.
A sexless marriage did not start that way.
It became that way for this reason here above.
Partners are using each other to make themselves feel something that they have not emotionally mature enough to find withinside themselves,
and so they search outside of themselves and when it is given and then taken away,
it creates a sexual codependency.
And their very “worthiness” is rooted in their partners willingness to have sex with them.
In reverse, many partners fear stating their truth from early on because of the highly normal fear of abandonment or need of their mate in some fashion for survival.
So, at the end of the day when the truth is not spoken but is heard in the core of each, you find one if not both partners smiling, telling a lie and finding their fulfillment outside of their relationship.
Is there hope?
Is the answer having more sex or no sex with you rmate?
Yes there is hope.
If both partners are dedicated to the relationship and want healing for self first and relationship second,
then they can work toward a solution and happy intimacy path.
Is more or no sex the answer?
Forced sex on either spectrum is never going to be healing or supportive of the relationship.Getting in your truth and working together in compassion and love is the path to wher eyou want to get.
Changing your focus from scarcity and fear to love and appreciation can move mountains.
Want to learn more about stratigies to overcome affairs, build authentic communication and reelating and heal your sex life?
Reach out to me today to learn about coaching opportunities that can support you in love, sex and life.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”
*photography credit to Photography In Wonderland