“YOU DISGUST ME!”- WHY THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW MY GREATNESS!

 
So effing frustrated with our victim minded world that we have created!
 
Many of today’s humans could not make it in the world just 30 years ago.
 
We have created a society that is weak and scared of each other.
We have created a people that refuses to take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings or actions.
We have created a society that believes that shame is how you heal the world, how you make things right and that it is their DUTY to do just such.
 
We have created a world where confrontation is a bad thing that should be avoided at all cost and any one who stands up and speaks their truth that may not align 100% to another’s should brace themselves for the impact of how bad they are for stating it or setting a boundary.
 
Didn’t they understand their truth, their ideas, their opinions, their work, their art, their education, their pictures were offensive and shameful and not okay to have in this world?
 
Geeze what is wrong with them for sharing any of their stuff?
They should take into account what someone else that they don’t know might be feeling or how looking at whatever it is might make that other person think, because don’t you know YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF YOUR THOUGHTS OR FEELING everyone else is responsible for them, not you.
 
And because you posted it on social media – then you FORCED them to look.
 
This particular man friended me awhile back, ( see image with post)
he follows other sex and relationship coaches, practitioners and tantra educators that speak of openness, finding your orgasm and living in a sex positive world, yet he has decided to report some of my pictures because he claims that they are offensive and nasty…😱
 
Acting as though I have explicit sex pictures on my facebook for all too see…🤣🤣🤣
 
The reason I have chosen to share this with every one is simple,
this kind of attitude is becoming more of a norm.
 
The other day a man went off on my wall here under a musing I did on boundaries and how important it is to have healthy one’s in all areas of our lives, he decided that I was a tantric prostitute who was manipulating men by wearing a long white vintage dress into giving me their money… he insisted that I was being nasty as well in my flaunting of myself as he called it.
 
This sort of attitude that I see rising up more and more is sad.
It is an attitude of fear and separation with zero personal responsibility for our internal worlds.
 
There is so much pain in our world.
SO much pain in the people’s hearts.
And we are being blinded by it.
It forms in anger, disgust, rage, blame and shame toward others.
And it is because somewhere along the line we stopped teaching personal responsibility.
We started making the least mature people in the world the boss of everyone.
 
Competition these days is evil.
You cannot have a winner and a looser because it is hurtful to someone’s feelings.
You cannot have a debate and agree to disagree, because it may hurt someones feelings.
You cannot have certain beliefs, ideas, or experiences and talk about them because someone that may be passing by may hear and be upset by the sharing between two friends.
You are damned if you look, talk, believe or act this way or that way and you are damned if you don’t as well.
 
The ONLY THING that matters is that YOU make sure NOT TO OFFEND any other human being on this planet with your disgusting existence.
 
That is unless you are among the emotionally immature who feel it is socially acceptable to mock, blame, shame and kick others from behind their computer and phone screens about sharing what they are not comfortable with. That is JUST FINE – NO HARM, NO FOUL there.🤔
 
And yet,
we want to watch other’s who are living out loud and we can get caught up in their saga’s, drama’s and ways of living and expressing.
We flock to things that are not average.
We crave connection more then every.
We feel so isolated and misunderstood,
road rage and depression is normal,
everyone is on some prescription drug trying to mask their pain and disconnect.
 
Those who shame and blame the most hold the biggest subscriptions to porn hub and make the most aggressive private messages. On one side they condemn and on the other they explicitly expect.
 
And what does any of this truly mean at the end of the day?
 
It means that our world has progressed no further then the dark ages on this subject.
 
It means that if this were 2000+ years ago the one’s throwing the stones to kill the prostitute are the same one’s who were bedding her in the stable just 15 minutes prior.
 
It means that we still as a mass society value our suffering more then our worth.
 
It means that for those of us who choose to walk on the road less traveled and take the heat,
 
Those of us who are the 1% who will not cower to this crazy victim-hood mentality of settling for less than what we are worth in this life,
who believe in ourselves and whom want to be the light.
 
WE HOLD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GREATNESS.
 
The sheeple remain blind by fear mongering and separation.
 
But YOU are not a sheeple…. ( well at least I pray that if you follow me that you are not a sheeple and if you are well then please take this post as my personal invite for you to uninvite yourself out of my online community and tribe).
 
I BELIEVE IN YOU!
 
I choose to focus on WORTHINESS and that God does not create unworthy things.
 
I want you to know that if you are walking on this road less traveled with me that you are and EAGLE.
 
And you are not walking.
You are flying BABY!
You have wings.
And you have GREATNESS inside of you.
 
Never let those who are blinded by their own darkness cast your light out.
 
And this world,
this world is what you make of it.
Is what you choose to focus on,
so choose to not fear this blind victim-hood mentality of the weak minded and disconnected,
 
Instead,
Live Out Loud, Unapologetic and FREE!
 
💃💃💃 And don’t let my white vintage dress manipulate you too much…lol 🤣🤣🤣
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
 
 

Not All Gifts Are Gifts, You See.

I got this for you.
I got you this thing.
I got you this thing that I had to get you.
I am sure you will love it.
I know you will.
I got this for you.
It’s my favorite,
and is your’s now too.

Oh you said that you like that.
And so I it is true.
That now all you want,
is this thing.
Over and over,
I will never venture out.
I am not looking at what you say,
or do,
all I can focus on is making sure that you have this thing till you want it no more.

I love you.
I like you.
I adore you.
I cannot get enough of you.
And so it must be so,
that you too,
feel this thing I am feeling,
and want it as much.

I desire this to happen,
I crave it so much,
My mind wants to devour you,
as my body wants to taste and feel.
I cannot hear your words of denial,
I cannot allow myself to pay heed,
no you,
you must want this too.

It is a gift that I give you.
And even though you say no,
I know that you want this.
Because it is true.

Your words are like nails on a chalk board,
why do you argue with me?
Your silence is deafening,
why don’t you give thanks for all that I do?

It must mean more to you.
I must be with you.
I know that you feel something,
you say it is nothing,
you say it cannot be so.
But,
I love you.
I adore you.
I want more of you.
So it is this way.

My desire has me blinded.
My hunger has me deaf.
My heart pains at your denial,
so I will show you,
yes I will.

I know that you will love it.
I know it will be so.
Just give me this moment.
To absorb all you are.
Stop making such a big deal of it.
Why are you hiding over there?
I know that you will love it.
So let me show you my dear.

You make me feel so alive.
You make me smile with your presence.
You make me feel superhuman,
so accept this gift I am giving.
Accept this “love” I am offering.
Stop denying it.
You know you want it.
You know you love it.
You like it.
You want it.
You do.
—————————————————————————

A tale I hardly speak of is the tale of being a rape survivor,
however I wish to express this today as when I walk through this world, I see so many rapes in so many different fashions.

The above is a share that was activated by a trigger from someone in my life recently.

Although there was no harm done,
although I am certain that there was no intent of such,
not even a trigger.
I find it my mission, to speak out loud and have a voice for all those who cannot.

So bare with me here,
as what I am saying may possibly cause you ill feelings,
for your guilt as much as any other human for the rape offenses that we all have made and played down without notice to the messages of ego shared.

No matter what it is.
No matter the gift.
Realize this…
Not all gifts are gifts you see,
for a gift can only truly be received in love when the receiver desires the gift,
wants for it some way,
or truly is something that speaks their name.
But, many a gift has nothing to do with the receiver,
and everything to do about the giver,
who longs to be seen.
To be accepted.
To be loved.
At all cost they will go.
Not noticing the one that they love.
They place their hunger before the heart of another.

No matter the event,
no matter the intimacy shared.
If it is not two sided in wanting,
then it is nothing more than a taking.
You think it is romantic,
you think is sweet,
you think is no big deal,
but when we steal an intimacy with another,
we ignore all that they are.
We crave more for our desire.
We fear more about our pain,
our rejection of not getting,
of not having or experiencing,
what we want is all that matters,
and so we paint a picture of what will be and ignore all the strokes of anything different.

A kiss,
a hug,
a tender touch you see.
All can be innocent and precious,
but when not wanted they are a trespass.
Just as the gift that one might give that is not desired,
can be nothing more than a nuisance.
A problem you see.
We trespass others in so many ways.
From touches to things.

Be aware is all that is stated here.
A lesson for me and you.
We all are guilty of taking.

Ask yourself this,
“This action, this thing, these words that I share: are they from my desire to have what I want or give what is wanted?”

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

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NEWS FLASH!!! You Can’t Do It For ANYONE else but YOU.

You Can’t Do It For ANYONE else but YOU.

 
You really are the center of the universe.
 
I know that may sound like a ego based statement,
it may appear to be selfish, self centered and even “wrong” in some fashion to think this way about ourselves.
 
But leave it to me to be the
📢📢📢F-cking NEWS FLASH of reality….
 
If you make anyone else more important than you,
If you make anyone else’s business your responsibility,
If you worry more about anyone else more,
If you want it more for them then they do….
 
Then you are sacrificing your EVERYTHING.
 
I am always telling my clients,
” I am in this to level that you are.”
 
Meaning, if you think it is my responsibility as your coach to do/push or want your success more than you do, then you will be sadly let down and mistaken.
 
If you believe that you need someone else to push you,
Give you motivation,
Reason,
Courage,
or FAITH,
 
to take the steps that you need to take.

to REMIND you to DO THE Mother F-cking things that you know you need to do.

 
Then you are going to always have less than what you are worth.
You will always be a victim to life,
a victim to circumstance.
 
You will continually be lost,
feel unloved,
unseen,
and like you do not matter.
 
It is no one else’s job to make you
FEEL
or DO
ANYTHING.
 

This is your effing life.

🔥🔥🔥If you want it than CLAIM IT!🔥🔥🔥
 
What if….
 
What if you just finally started saying YES to yourself,
and stopped being the doormat to everything and everyone else?
 
What if you made yourself,
 

🙄WAIT FOR IT…..

 
 

…..THE F-cking Priority. 📢🎆🎆

 
WHOA!!!! What a concept.
 
So back to my original statement of today…
 
You really are the center of the universe.
YOUR Universe.
 
YOUR WORLD! 🌏
 

💯% of the TIME.

 
No one else.
 
This is called having
DRIVE
DIRECTION
COMMITMENT
SELF-LOVE
 
PURPOSE!!!!!!!!
 
Very few people actually have these things.
Most people opt for average and ordinary.
They opt to remain in the confines of the beliefs that they are responsible for someone else’s thoughts, feelings, actions.
 
That it is their responsibility to try and control an outcome.
 
Many people SACRIFICE their lives
for others….
 
WHO never realize that they have done this,
and don’t even want them to do this.
 
Many people,
believe that this makes them ” a good person.”
 
A Godly person, even.
 
When in fact,
all it does is STEAL their JOY.
 
Want to know why you suffer so GREATLY?
Want to know why you feel lost?
Want to know why your always unhappy,
never satisfied,
have limited DESIRE 🔥🔥🔥
 
BECAUSE You are Living for Someone Else.
You are NOT LIVING YOUR LIFE.
 
You have made someone else your EVERYTHING.
And You have GIVEN Your Life for it.
 
So F-cking STOP!!!
 
Instead look in the mirror and start telling the most important person in your life how
 
AMAZING they are.
That YOU LOVE 💖 Them.
That they are WORTHY.
That they CAN HAVE IT ALL!!!!
 

Start with you Baby!

You were born for GREATNESS.

 
But You have to CLAIM IT for Yourself.
No One Else can do this for you.
 

And As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

 
Join me in October for 5 weeks of transformation,
where YOU Claim Your LIFE in 2018 Once and For All.
Message me for details….
 

Electric Shock and My Pussy

SO this happened.
 
Are you ready for a good laugh,
are you ready to scratch your head,
and some eye popping?
 
Because here is my most recent masturbation share.
 
It only took me about five years of owning this little sex toy for me to actually try it.
 
I have been scared in all truth to try it.
I have held it in my hand,
felt its electric pulses move through my hand and arms with generous voltage,
felt the discomfort of it.
 
The thought of placing this little gizmo where it was intended made my stomach churn and my heart race.
 
If it felt like I was sticking my hand and fingers into an open electrical breaker then what the f-ck would it feel like in my most intimate, delicate location?
 
My pussy.
Would she like it?
 
So this really happened,
one night,
not so many nights ago…
 
I found myself exploring this little electric shock love toy.
I found myself finding the courage,
to push past the fear of possibly electrocuting my pussy.
 
You could say that curiosity got the best of me.
 
Because it did.
 
I placed this little bundle of shock inside my pussy,
AND
 
I turned it on.
 
OMFG!!!!!
It zapped, it shocked,
it rubbed my G-spot and with each pulse,
I moved deeper into orgasm.
 
But was this possible?
Was it possible that electric shock therapy for my pussy could help open me up more,
could help stimulate,
activate,
AND
 
EVEN FEEL GREAT,
in my pussy.
 
Or to my body?
 

The answer:

F-ck YES!

 
To my surprise, this little love shock device really felt great.
It was not painful,
well unless I touched my labia with it,
then OMFG!!!! that was a no effing way.
 

BOUNDARY.

 
But inserted this little egg shaped zapper, ‘sent all the pulses of increased orgasm to where I needed them.
 
But why stop there?
 
So anyone who has followed my sex coaching long, know’s that I am not a big advocate of vibrators because of the addiction and harm they can cause to nerves if over used.
 
However, I do always say that every now and then,
there is a time and a place for vibrators and they can really spice things up and be playful.
 
For someone like myself, who uses a vibrator on her clit maybe three times a year at best (because I prefer the touch of my partners lips and tongue , pubic bone and fingers) the added pleasure of a vibrator with this little electric shock therapy device was AMAZING and sent me quickly over the edge of pleasure.
 
WOW!!!!
 
So what is the moral of my tale today you may ask?
 
The moral is,
EXPLORE your body.
EXPLORE your mind.
EXPLORE imagination.
EXPLORE play.
 
Sex whether it is with someone or by ourselves is to be about embodyment of self,
connection to bliss,
an opening to rapture,
and DISCOVERY of self.
 
 
Sex is a beautiful way to explore our levels of pleasure.
So what is holding you back from saying YES to yourself?
 
What is preventing you from fully embracing your JOY,
Your PLEASURE.
Your ORGASM.
 
Is it fear, like it was for me around the exploration of something new?
 
As my 21 year old daughter always says, ” You can’t knock it until you have tried it at least once.”
 
I fully agree and actually believe that we should allow for two times of trying something new before knocking it.
 
Why?
 
Because the first time, our limbic systems are not at ease, we are caught in our heads and over thinking things too much, like I did for 5 years around this toy, we are not present in the moment for many reasons.
 
The second time, we have a better chance of being present and feeling into the event because we sorta know what to expect.
 
Now we can actually experience it,
and make a decision.
 
So don’t knock something, just because it sounds strange,
makes you go WTF? or even causes you a little concern.
 
If it is safe, if your boundaries are kept, then be a YES to yourself.
 

A yes to your pleasure.

 
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
 
For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.

Shaky Knee’s & Stairs

Shaky Knee’s and Stairs.

These two things do not get along well.
And yest they are a match made in heaven.

Looking down from the second floor stairs,
Looking at that first step,
feeling my knee’s tremble at the core.
The energy pulsing from my core.
The cool night breeze, brushing up against my cheek as I took a deep breath in.
My lover behind me.

My knee’s.
My knee’s, shaking from the hours upon hours of pleasure.
Quivering from the core.
My core.

There is this fullness,
This feeling of alignment,
yet fear still resides here.
I can feel it being shaken loose.

That first step,
seeming so far away.
The uncertain feeling of can I make it?
The knowing that it is one of many to follow.

I am tired.
I am so tired.
I am turned on .
So turned on.
I want more.
So much more.

But FIRST, 
that step.

That first step.
Why is it so hard to land that first step.
To find the courage to JUST TAKE IT.

It’s fear.
It’s uncertainty.
It’s lack of faith.
It’s lack of belief in my worthiness.

and

YET, I KNOW that I can land it.
There is this knowing that is deeper than the fear.

This knowing that wants to be known.
It wants to be REMEMBERED.

It is there begging for my attention.
Begging for me to STOP existing in the shadows of what I can be.

It is that quiet voice that is getting loud as the day’s pass.
Saying, “YES YOU CAN.”

But these knee’s…
These shaky knee’s.

They tremble at all that could happen.
They resist the wonders that could be born from the pleasure of saying YES to myself.
They resist the DESIRE that wants to JUST LET GO.
They tremble in fear that something may happen to this me that I know, as the me that I am to be EMERGES.

You would think that hours of pleasure would grant me the confidence to just land the step.
You would think that hours of embracing what I wanted, would give me the faith that I could take the step and KNOW I have it.
You would think that the surrender to success, the depth of orgasmic bliss that I said YES to would show me that this world is for the taking, it is for the embracing and it supports our TRUTH when we lean in, let go and get in flow.

But every moment, I have come to learn is a new moment.
And every moment carries hope and doubt.

It is up to me in this moment to DECIDE, 
To CLAIM what I want to do with it.

It is up to me, and only me to TAKE THE STEP.

Will I let these shaky knee’s lock me up in fear?
Or will I let these shaky knee’s rattle out that fear as I step forward in FAITH?

Yes there are many steps before me.
There is risk,
But my lover is behind me.
His love carries me.

The step’s are suddenly not so steep.
The breeze, it brushes up against my cheek like a lover itself whispering his intentions in my ear.
The night sky, filled with his glory.
Like a lover filling me with his essence in climax.
There is a owl in the distance,
I hear it’s call of the night.
As if to say, “Listen to your soul, my child.”

And so I shall!
I shall LISTEN.
I shall TAKE THE STEP.
In FAITH.
In CERTAINTY.

Here is my courage.
Here is my guidance.
Here, here in this moment of leaving my lovers embrace, I open to true surrender. True guidance.
My angels are around me.

It is TIME.

Step.
Step.
Step.

Ahhhhhhhh…….
The feeling of saying YES, to one’s truth.
It is FREEDOM.

It is bliss.
It is the F*ck YES! Life.

Will you say YES?

And remember, 
Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

90 Days of No Orgasm- Say What?

“My body is tense and tight as are my emotions and heart. I feel little love, appreciation or compassion let alone toleration. Or perhaps that is all I feel. I am tolerating life. I am tolerating work. I am tolerating my family.  There is no feeling of interconnectedness, no desire washing through me.  I feel lost, alone, depressed without reason, fatigued and sore. I feel loveless and angry. I feel an ever growing panic inside of my soul. As if my life is being stolen and for what?

The smile on my face and my light-hearted attitude that everyone sees is far from my internal reality where it’s more like being trapped in the swamps of some limbo land of the forgotten. I am unseen, unheard and feeling unworthy. Unworthy of being seen, heard, loved, sexed properly, or even cuddled and nurtured. Sure, I can reach out to my children or girlfriends for emotional support and snuggles, but this is not what my soul craves to keep itself alive. No, my soul craves to be held safe in the arms of the masculine. To be loved, adored, cherished and ravished to the marrow in my bones and through every last cell of my physical being. My soul craves with ever expanding fear to be penetrated mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally by the masculine. It needs to weep and laugh while singing its orgasmic rapture before my lover. It needs to feel safe while opening into the darkest corners of vulnerability. It needs to feed like a ravenous vampire on the love that can be expressed and felt during gourmet sexing. It needs to be felt with every tilt and pulse of my pelvis as I wrap my legs around my lover and pull him deeper where he has no choice but to surrender and bow at my alter. Where he can no longer deny my passion, my thirst for him and for life. My soul needs to burn. It needs to be ignited and seen. It needs to be felt and embraced in return.

Alas, this is not the case. Instead my soul is dying. It is dim and lifeless. It lives in its own shadow of a time since gone. Instead I feel numbness that is not numb but painful. My body is over ridden with what feels like a plague. I question existence, purpose, and reason. I question my worth. Looking inward I see a woman who is lost and feels like life has been stripped away, yet there is still a glimmer of hope. This glimmer is hungry, it wants so badly to be strong and to push forward. It wants to feel again, to live again, to heal and most of all it wants to breathe.

 

90 days is a short time line. You can do anything for 90 days, right?

90 days is a extremely long time as well. It can change your whole chemical, molecular being. It can retrain your thoughts and it can open you up to the vastness that life has to offer, or it can shut you down and make you question life.

90 days can heal you.

90 days can torture you.

It only takes 90 days to turn a turned on woman into a woman who is under-fucked, bitter, numb and on the verge of hysteria. How do I know this? Because I am that woman.  I am that turned on woman in the spot light, leading others to a turned on state of being and I am also that under-fucked woman crying out from the shadows of the dungeon of hysteria begging for mercy. That mercy being orgasm.

Orgasm use to come to me so easily. I could easily have 20+ orgasms in one love making session. I would experience clitoral, G-spot, cervical, female ejaculation and emotional orgasms just to name a few. They would course through my veins and roll through my body with ease, feeding me. Leaving me fulfilled and with so much to give to the people and world around me. I felt youthful, alive, confident, connected, passionate, full of desire and certainty. I could move through obstacles with faith and love. “

90 days of no orgasm sends you in another direction though.

29 things that 90 days of No Orgasm Gets You- My Personal Observation

  • Irregular periods
  • Heavier menstrual flow with more pain and moodiness
  • A constant feeling of female blue balls- aching in my pelvis
  • Less fluid stride in my walking
  • Decreased confidence
  • Depressed
  • Anxious
  • Headaches and body pain
  • Decreased immune system- keep getting sick, always feel sick and cannot get well quickly
  • Fatigue
  • Increased hunger
  • Weight gain
  • My once clear skin now has numerous acne breakouts
  • Feeling of hopelessness
  • Zero desire for anything
  • A short fuse – limited patience/toleration and understanding
  • Once clear head now has mental chatter
  • Breast tenderness
  • Zero libido
  • Emotional out bursts
  • Crying almost daily
  • Anger that creeps into rage
  • Fear to move forward with things
  • Lumps and tender spots on or around my pussy
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Random Yeast infections
  • Sensitive vaginal skin that tears easily
  • Pain during and after any sexual play
  • A feeling of disconnectedness to everything including my children, family, lover and friends. As well as G-d.

This may seem crazy to many who read this. How can all of that happen to a woman just from not having orgasm in her life?

But it does.

Science has been proving for a long time that orgasm is a vital nutrient to the feminine. It helps keep us women stabilized, positive and connected. In my practice I work with many women who have not had an orgasm for years, possibly even a life time. I also work with women who have become addicted to clitoral orgasms but believe or have not had anything deeper than this. Keeping them in a quick fix mode of orgasm which is often the case in female masturbation practices or even in our sexing.

Ancient spiritual based practices, dating back 7,000+ years spoke and taught on how important orgasm, real orgasm not just climax was to the feminine. It goes far past our physical well being and even our psychological well being. Orgasm is the well spring of creation and connection to the divine. To God. When we women do not have true orgasm in our lives and a space to surrender to our lover and our orgasm then we turn off to life. We disconnect from our partner, from our world and from ourselves. We move from the embodiment of self and radiance to living in our heads and just “dealing” with this thing called life. Life becomes about the duty instead of the living.

Unfortunately, we live in a world of under-fucked women. I say under-fucked not to sound crude and that women “should be” fucked, but to make the point that women do need to be held in a space for a long enough time frame with a safe masculine that can stand in her fires, in her tears and in her orgasm. This masculine can not be forced on her. He must earn her. Earn her trust. Her heart and her orgasm. This is not a space that many men are familiar with nor have they been taught about in todays society. However, when the chosen masculine is there holding this space then the woman can release into the greatest depths of surrender with herself and with him, thus creating the feeling that he has fucked her wide open to the universe. It is in this space that the feminine gets filled with love and with orgasm to her core. All other concepts of orgasm are nothing more than illusions and hoaxes.

Clitoral orgasm is a masculine orgasm. It is sharp, quick and what I call fast food. It feels good for the moment but that is all it gives you a moment and you find yourself hungry and feeling empty shortly thereafter. It also trains the body and mind to accept less than what is possible. Once we believe that this is all that orgasm is then many never think to venture further down the path to find true fulfillment.

But this is us settling for something that will never be anything more.

In todays society and way of thinking we claim to desire so much yet few are willing to go out and make their desires a reality. We settle for the lessor car because it is economical, the lessor house because the school district is what we think is better, the lessor relationship because it is better then no relationship and he/she is nice. We settle for the lessor orgasm because we don’t know that there is anything better and we don’t have the time to get it. So, we settle.

I could easily be writing this about masculine orgasm as well, however I am not. Focusing on the feminine because this topic is near and dear to my heart and my pussy. The above share is my truth about a time that I went longer than 90 days without orgasm. I had to learn how to surrender to myself in other ways to escape the lack of orgasm that I had in my sexing. I had to rediscover myself and my passion in other areas to ignite my orgasm again so that I could have it. I had to lean into my pain and fear and face them with love for self and life. I had to go back to the roots of my desires and start there. FRESH.

This is the path that every woman who is without true orgasm must take. The answer to connecting to an orgasmic life is to learn how to surrender to life. To embody yourself and to discover your core desires.

I share this musing with you in hopes that you will do just these three things and give yourself permission to live the orgasmic, turned-on life that you deserve.

3 Keys to Opening Up to Your Orgasm

  • Daily practice pussy communication. This is a foundational practice to reconnect you to your pussy. If you are living in your head then you are not embodying yourself. If you do not get back into your body then you will have limited to no sensation and you are blocking yourself from your divine feminine as well. Meaning that you have muted your intuition. Intuition is an art of blending voice of spirit with feelings and physical sensations of the body. By focusing on communication with your pussy on a daily basis you will tap back into your truth and feel more led by your core. Things will start to work out in your favor more and you will also start hearing your voice of desire again. To do this exercise all you need is a quiet space and your hands. Take your left hand and place it on your heart, your right hand and place it on your pussy. Now just breathe deep into your stomach, pulling the breath down as far as you can to allow your tummy to expand. Hold the breath for a moment and inquire with your pussy, “What message do you have for me?” From here move into a dialogue with your pussy as you focus on your breathing and feel for the sensations that she has to share with you. Ask her questions such as, “How do you feel about this relationship? – This job? – This move?” etc. Then listen to the sensations in your body. Your body’s wisdom is your soul speaking to you about what is best for your highest and greatest good.
  • Vulva Love Practice. Set aside time each day or at very lest 3 times a week to do this goddess practice. Set up a space that is pretty to all your senses. If possible, do this practice outside a few times with the sun shining down on your pussy. Create a sacred space with smells, music and different textures that you enjoy and find relaxing. Allow yourself to relax into this space as you gently massage your vulva with your favorite oil (I suggest unscented coconut oil). Make slow strokes and really allow yourself to feel all the sensations of your fingers running across your pubis mound and vaginal lips. Massage and stroke for feelings of pleasure NOT orgasm or climax.  Notice how good it feels to just feel the soft, conscious touch.  Next stroke with the intent of love and appreciation. With each stroke say out loud or internal words of love and appreciation to your pussy. Speak of her beauty. Her ability to receive pleasure and give pleasure. Her ability to manifest life. Speak of her warmth, her velvety softness. Remember to say thank you to your pussy for all that she has given you and that you value her guidance in your life.
  • Pussify Your Life. In this exercise you only need to ask your pussy for her feelings about something. This is a beautiful practice to focus us women on embodiment to self, something that many of us have lost in our modern world. To start and give you a feel for this practice, take on your under-ware and bra drawers. Take each pair of panties out and one by one hold them up to your pussy. Now ask, “Do you like this pair of panties?” Then feel what sensations come up in your body. Notice your emotions around each garment. If you have anything other than a strong F-ck YES! To the garment then toss it without question into a get rid of pile. Do this with all your panties and then move to your bra’s. If you want to really pussify your world, move to your closet and clean it with the guidance of your pussy instead of your logical brain. The result is that you will find yourself with ONLY garment that make you feel good. You will clear out all the things that you thought you needed for some logical reason or have been holding onto to be smart or out of fear of not replacing it. When you do this, you will now not only be honoring yourself and your emotions, you find that you are more turned on to life and feeling better about what you look like as well.

You are a divine, beautiful woman who deserves orgasm in her life.

For you to have all the orgasm that you want, sexually and generally in life, you MUST own your ORGASM and open to fully receiving the blessings that the universe and your pussy have for you.

This is a decision though.

Do you want a Turned- On Life?

Do you desire a life full of rapture and blessing?

Do you crave a fairytale relationship?

Do you desire gourmet sex?

Then choose YOU!

Choose Orgasm.

Choose to EMBODY YOU.

–KW

The Purpose of A Coach- Sex or Other, We Are All The Same.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed? 
 
Exhausted from seemingly nothing? 
 
Have you ever just stood outside under the stars and moon, raised your hands up to the heavens in frustration and asked, ‘Why?’ Why is this life so full of chaos, pain, and suffering?
 
Have you ever just gasped for breath as if you may not have another to give this life? 
 
I have! This is also why I have multiple coaches in my life.
 
The first half of this year was just that for me. It seemed that all of my beautiful, impressive intentions that I had written down and had been ‘working’ so hard at creating had just been kicked to the curb by chaos.
 
After much turmoil at its start, looking back I can say that the first 6 months of 2017 was very productive, had some good spot’s of personal healing to be refocused on and even the recoiling of old patterns needed to happen with good reason. I often get asked why the same things come up again and again? Why do we have to explore/experience or look at something multiple times? 
 
The answer is simple: We do this so that we can heal it at deeper levels. When we first went through the event we were at one level in our understanding, then as time passes we grow (well hopefully we do…we at least change somewhat) – the event comes back around either through our thoughts or shows up again in a new way but is offering us the gift to heal it from a higher consciousness… a deeper understanding of self and or the world. If we did not have this offering to heal our traumas from many different vantage points through life we would carry a wound that would NEVER heal. Therefore we would not be able to become all that we could become because we can only grow to the level that our wound is healed. 
 
So as you move through this coming summer think about what is it that you want to consciously work on?
 
Where on your path are you seeing what feels like a staleness or perhaps you feel like your dealing with the same events repeatedly or even have hit a wall?
 
If you apply awareness to these areas and ask for them to be worked through at this new place of understanding you are then releasing the chains on G-d/ the universe/divine consciousness so that the gateways can open to you and present the opportunities needed to make it happen. This is an important piece to the coaching path… 
 
You MUST ask for the awareness and have the desire to move forward. 
 
Your coach can only do so much for you. We coaches lead, direct and comfort. We CANNOT do the work for you though. You have to do your own work. You have to take seriously the “hope-play or work” that you are given and you need to COMMIT not to your coach, but to the process and to YOURSELF!!!!
 
Lately people are asking me to clarify what it is that I do as a sex and relationship coach. I have received numerous emails and messages on LinkedIn, FaceBook, and other social networks as well as emails and calls asking: What do you do? And Why would I need a coach for sex?
 
The biggest question inevitably comes back to asking me if I would sexually interact with a client. My response is simple: No I do not interact sexually with my clients. I am a coach not a surrogate.
 
So now that we have addressed this question, what is it that I do as a coach in the niche of sex and relating?
I think one of the best quotes I have heard on coaching is this:
 
“Coaching is unlocking a person’s potential to maximise their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them.”– John Whitmore
 
No matter the niche we coaches work in, we are all doing the same thing. We are focused on helping you be the best you, you can be. As a coach I know that all the answers you desire are inside you. What you need is someone to help you uncover them and teach you how to use what you discover in your own inner depths. You also, need someone who will stand by your side without judgement of where you are at or how you are choosing to show up in the moment. 
 
To quote Skills You Need on Coaching: 

The ‘Inner Game’

“No discussion of coaching would be complete without mention of Timothy Gallwey and his insights into the ‘inner game’.

Gallwey’s book, The Inner Game of Tennis, revolutionised thinking about coaching. He suggested that the biggest obstacles to success and achieving potential were internal, not external. His insight was that coaches could help individuals to improve their game by distracting them from their inner dialogue and, in particular, the critical voice that said “Not like that! Concentrate on your hands! Angle it differently!”.

By distracting that inner voice, the body could take over. It turns out that often the body has a very clear idea of what to do when internal dialogues are suppressed. Gallwey used the example of asking people to focus on the height at which they hit the tennis ball. This activity has no relevance in itself, but the simple act of focusing on it distracted the inner voice and enabled the capable body to take over. The individual relaxed and their tennis improved immediately.

Gallwey’s real insight was that this didn’t just apply to tennis, but that individuals generally did have the answers to their own problems within themselves.

The essential part of coaching, then, is to help people to learn to silence that inner voice and allow their instincts, or their subconscious, to take over. Sometimes that means distracting it, and sometimes it’s about exploring the ‘worst case scenario’ and removing the fear.”

And this folk’s is what I do as a Sex & Relationship Coach.

I help you overcome your fears around sex and authentic relating. 
I help you witness yourself and be witnessed by others for your true self, not the fake person that you put out to the world, your boss, your children, your sister or brother, parents and friends and YES EVEN your spouse or lover!
 
I help you relearn how to have sex and relate from a place of love and acceptance verses judgement, control and shame.
 
I help you silence your cray-cray’s and embrace your divine self and all the orgasm it has to give to this life.
 
I help you be YOU unapologetically.
 
My particular coaching style leans into a mentorship with the support of some counseling as we walk the path to your inner knowing.
 
In sex as in life you need support, accountability, exercises to develop skills and help overcoming hurdles. Here is where you find my hand reaching out to you if you desire a life of full abundance and ORGASM!
” We speak about sex to almost anyone BUT the one’s we are having it with. Why? Because it is to vulnerable and they may judge us. We fear being seen by our lovers because of the shame that we carry around our sex. If you could only realize that this same fear and shame wraps itself around your money and life experience and that by healing your sex you tap into the F-uck Yes! Life you truly desire.” – KW
 
 
Life is happening NOW!
Where are you at?

I’m a Sex Coach, Not a Sex Worker

As of late, I have been under a bit of scrutiny from several people about my sex coaching business, everywhere from friends to family to other colleagues who all have misconstrued beliefs about what sex coaches do. Honestly, I am not shocked because the truth is that sex coaching is fairly new in mainstream consciousness. If you met ten sex coaches, they would also all have a slightly different way of coaching and different elements that are included in this coaching. Even in my local area, I can think of several sex coaches, and every single one of us approaches coaching in a different manner. Some use more direct talking methods, some incorporate more spiritual practices, some use more straight education, and others are more experiential. This is on top of the fact that sex is still a taboo topic in our society, so it’s no wonder that I get both horrified and intrigued looks when I share with others the career I am so passionate about.

There’s a vast variety of questions and assumptions that people have when hearing that myself and my fellow colleagues are sex coaches. That being said, the one that comes up the most is, “Are you a prostitute? So you have sex with your clients?”

I do not have sex with my clients. Again, I do not have sex with my clients! And one more time since people struggle to hear this one, I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY CLIENTS! I have zero judgments against individuals who choose to make a living via prostitution. In my life, I have known several women who have been sex workers to survive and, unfortunately, were forced to do so illegally due to our current laws. It makes me very happy to see places like Vegas that are trying to take the oldest career known to man and make it safer for both the client and the sex worker. Sex is a normal and natural pleasure afforded to us as humans that keeps us healthy and vibrant. It’s not my place to say if someone needs or desires to pay someone to have these needs met because, honestly, not everyone is lucky enough to have a committed partner. I believe in sex work when done in a safe and consensual manner.

That being said, I am not a prostitute. All the sex coaches I know (and I know quite a few) and I have the policy that they do not have intercourse or perform or receive oral sex from clients. I have written that on my website in several places and tell clients when I first meet them that although I am helping people with sex, this does not mean I am having sex with them. Yet, it is a question I get asked almost weekly. And it is actually one that has provided my colleagues and me with some funny stories.

One day, I was doing an initial Tantric mindfulness session—which includes some meditation, breathing, and Kundalini activation—with a brand new client. My sex coaching practice was somewhat new, and as he felt his sexual energy activate, he opened his eyes, looked right at me, and said, “I’ve decided that I want to practice having Tantric sex, and you love Tantric sex, and so you’re going to have Tantric sex with me next time.” I lifted one eyebrow and reminded him of all the different times we had discussed boundaries and how sex is not a part of sex coaching. He became desperate and began gyrating his hips to “show me” how good he would be at this practice. I worked incredibly hard at not bursting into hysterics at that moment, and once I had composed myself, I set some limits with him, and unfortunately, he chose not to have any more sessions with me after that initial session. It is definitely a story that I will always remember and one that has provided me with vital learning lessons—no matter how much I state what I DON’T do, there will always be people that don’t want to hear it.

Different practitioners have different boundaries surrounding the level of touch, if any, and also the nature of what happens in sessions. But unless it is specifically stated that we are offering sexual surrogacy, then they most likely are not offering to have sex with their clients. And honestly, even many sex surrogates don’t actually have intercourse with clients.

That being said, am I going to try to help stir some sexual energy? Yes! Our sexual energy (Kundalini energy) is what keeps us alive, what you tap into during many yoga practices, and what gives us as humans much of our drive. I view our sexual energy as a major tool in manifesting the lives we want, as the spiritual connection we are looking for, and as a way to take the connection within ourselves and in relationships to a deeper place. However, this energy can be stirred simply by breathing! I, personally, am not just a sex coach but actually first and foremost a Tantric practitioner who utilizes these principles in my practice. This still does not mean I am having sex with my clients!

In our society, and especially in the Bible belt, many practices are shunned without a true and honest understanding. People allow their ignorance to speak first without asking questions. Just like sex coaching is not as it appears, neither is the practice of Tantra, which is not solely about sex but instead about weaving our energy throughout life. The aspects that are sexual are about bringing greater awareness and honor into our sex lives and using this awareness to bring us closer to our spiritual source, ourselves, and our partners. I know having honor and true worship during sex is a foreign concept to many in the Western world, where porn, objectification, and hookup culture are rampant, but this is the true nature of Tantra and what I teach in my sex coaching practice. So I view the use of Tantra as important in not only my sex coaching but also coaching of any kind because, at the end of the day, most humans desire more fulfilling and happier lives.

As a sex coach, I want you to be able to dig deeper into your own feelings, thoughts, and beliefs surrounding sex. I want you to learn to connect with your own body and your partner’s body in new and exciting ways. I want you to experience energy in sessions that is orgasmic … but not necessarily have what is typically seen as orgasm/climax in session.

So if I’m not having sex with you, then what am I doing?

I’m holding a space for you to talk about your shame, your desires, your sexual difficulties. I’m helping you reawaken your energy and passion while creating the life you have always dreamed of having. I am educating you on chakras, your genitals, your partner’s genitals, breathing, orgasm, and basically anything you can think of in regards to sex. I am helping you feel more into your body and recognize that your sexual energy, when used throughout your life, will provide you with a new level of energy and vitality and the ability to attack your life.

Honestly, yes, there will be dildos, “pussy pillows,” lube, and other sex toys for demonstrations, so if this offends you, then I suggest you not come into my office. There will most definitely be words used that may make you blush and conversations that make you squirm a little, and that’s okay. I’m not here to have sex with you, but I am here to reintroduce you to your sex.

My work is done mostly with your brain, your heart, and your soul, not your genitals!

Written by Addison Bell

Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked

You can ravish your woman so deeply that her surrender breaks your heart into light. – David Deida

BronzeZeus-1

Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked

” I feel nothing. I crave feeling you penetrate me deeply at a soul level but I cannot feel you even with my physical body. – Our sex is feelingless. “

I have this statement that I say sometimes about sex. It feels like I am fucking the air- it is empty and without sensation. How is this possible though when two bodies are coming together and physically connecting. Rubbing, stroking, penetrating. How can you hardly feel your partner? If at all?

So many people speak of sex ONLY from the physical level. They make it sound like sex is just sex no matter what the scenario. And for some forms of sex, sex is just sex. It is just a friction based stress release focused on the physical act and the fantasy of seeing or experiencing something that is not everyday. It is not intended or thought to be something that can penetrate your soul, provide deep purpose to ones life, alter your reality even and connect you not only to self and partner but a space where you discover all of life’s interconnectedness. This state of orgasm, of sexing is not for the timid or surface minded people of the world who are looking for further distraction and release to/from life’s troubles. This sort of sexing and orgasm is only discovered through full surrender and vulnerability. It is an extremely emotional event that can fill us with clarity, creativity, joy, bliss, tears, and heart expanding sensations. It can provide us with direction, a sense of purpose and a certainty that there is so much more that life has to offer and support. This sort of sex is healing. And science supports this.

I believe that women more so than men NEED, truly need this deeper level of connection and sex consistently in their lives. When I look out into the world and “people watch” I can point out an under fucked woman every few minutes and I have to work hard to find a properly fucked woman. Yet if I spoke to women and men alike I would hear tale after tale of the sex that was being had. This is where the misconception comes into play.

You can fuck a woman 3 times a day. Long and hard even and still ONLY be giving her your cock. She will still come out of the experience under-fucked. She may even have had some “real” orgasms. But what she is not having is sex that penetrates her very soul. What you as a man are not having, basking in or giving is sex that penetrates her soul and thus yours as well. As David Deida says, ” Penetrate your woman the way you want to penetrate the world.” – I share this quote often and what I get is the deer in the head lights look from men and women alike. The concept that a man should fuck a woman the way he wants to fuck the world and in turn be fucked open himself by the world is a hard, scary and intimidating concept to fathom. It requires a masculine that is confident, not cocky. A masculine that can allow himself to be seen and felt fully like the movie Avatar speaks of – ” I see you.” This is vulnerability. This is masculine surrender. The masculine that can open himself to his woman and know that his purpose in that moment is to not just give her dick and “make her orgasm” but to be carried to heaven through her orgasm and allow for her to take him to realms of pleasure and depth that he cannot take himself. This masculine is sexually mature. This masculine knows that the power of his cock is more than just a sexual sword to slay a woman’s sex with. He is not desiring to conquer her or control her but to be opened to her and the universe through their love making, their fucking. In doing this he not only expands his orgasm and self, he also creates a container for her to dance in. To release and be seen fully in her feminine design and orgasm. In this space the two come together and are no longer just having sex, they are gods and goddesses basking in the light of the creator and they are in their full power. Here the two can discover deeper levels of self, the universe, life and they can manifest greatness in all areas of their lives through their beautiful sexing. Here they fuck each other wide open.

So back to the title of this article – Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked.

Ask yourself this, no matter if you are a woman or man, ” When was the last time that my sex was something more than a stress release; a duty; or focused on the physical nature of the act? When was the last time I felt so connected to my core, my soul and all of life during sex and orgasm? When was the last time my sex fulfilled me to a point that it carried me through the following week in a state of bliss?

Now answer how much “sex” am I having?

If you are having sex once a week or even twice a month, if it is the gourmet variety I am speaking of than you can be carried through on it for days and weeks. I know this for a fact. If it is of the junk food or fast food variety then you are going to wake up undernourished and hungry for more sex and most likely need your next hit of its chemicals and release to get you through the next day or two. This is where addiction sets in. This is where you are not feeding yourself or your partner well. This is under-fucked, no matter how much sex your having.

There is hope if you are a junk food sex addict.

There is hope if you have not tasted gourmet fucking for some time or ever for that matter.

There is hope for you too to experience the revelation of your deepest being through your sex.

The answers are between your legs, your ears and in your chest. The answers are found in your presence, because your presence is your power and the only sword you ever need to discover this reality.

If your sex is not leading you to your deeper purpose, then it is time to make some changes.

To learn more on this topic and conscious sexing email me today or fill out an application to work me through one of my intensive programs in person, over the phone or web today.

You deserve to be properly fucked.

The universe is craving you!!!!

Wanting, Willing & Taking – Understanding Desire

” A gift unopened is a gift not valued.”- KW

threesome

” There I lay with my legs spread wide open as I looked my lover in the eye’s. He was sweating, heated, passionate. Full of arousal and pleasure. His turn on was fulfilling at a deep level. With every thrust of his cock I could sense that this experience was beyond his anticipation and I was honored that I could gift him with it. As he thrusted himself into another’s woman pussy and she was devouring mine I could tell that the sheer act that I would be open to another woman going down on me and to make matters even more divine that she would be eating me out while he was having his way with her doggy style and getting to watch her enjoying me was by far the best Christmas present I could have come up with.

As she gasped for air and moaned from her pleasure and turn on he too became more aroused and leaned deeper into his own pleasure. From my vantage their joy and pleasure were beyond beauty. I found myself caught not in pleasure, not in rapture or orgasm of the physical realms but that of a deep emotional love for this man. In this moment I truly was not body present, if anything I was physically turned off from my own orgasm, but what I had discovered was a sexual giving that could not be touched and a beauty and appreciation for this world and our sex that I did not understand prior.

The adventure moved forward and before long I found myself in a 69 position with this woman and my partner now taking turns fucking her pussy up close and personal not more that a few inches away from eyes and face and then occasionally pulling out of her and thrusting deep into my mouth. Every time he switched from pussy to mouth or vise versa I could see the pulsing energy of his cock expand and he wanted so badly to take all that he could out of this moment. Once again I found myself hearing her moans, feeling her body on top of mine, her breathing changing and her body quivering, her pussy dripping with juices and wanting more but I could not feel her tongue, her lips and fingers as they danced along my vulva and found themselves in me. No, once again I was not able to truly drop down into my body and feel what was happening. But I could feel the high orgasmic energy of my partner and of our playmate. In this instance I found a new arousal yet again, it was a sort of mystery and joy combined in some sexual dance as I watched his cock and balls penetrate and slap up against her and then felt him not just quiver but literally vibrate as he penetrated my mouth. Holding his very hard cock deep in my throat, just past that tight spot I could get little gasps of air as he pulsed and moaned. This, this made me aroused. This activated me some.

Before long I was now on my back, our playmate sitting back sharing how great her view was. My pussy wide open before her and my partner now between my legs now taking me fully while she watched and masturbated to our live lovemaking scene. I could hear her moan, I could smell her in the room. His groans and growls with his ever deepening penetration was a turn on but once again, it was a mental and emotional turn on, it was a deeply intimate affair that made my heart leap with joy but my orgasm was no where to be found physically.”

This was a small take away from my first ever threesome with another woman. I had decided that I was going to gift my partner with something that he had always desired. A fantasy of his and I was over joyed that the whole experience was so beautiful. I still hold so much gratitude to the woman that we chose to share this moment with and who helped to deepen our intimacy as a couple. I wanted to gift the man I love with something I knew he had never been given and I was ecstatic that I was a woman who was willing to play in territories that were not always comfortable or about myself. I had not always been this way, my self-doubt, guilt, shame and concepts of giving and receiving had changed tremendously through the years and still do from time to time as I learn about myself and my own needs and desires. However I can say that the ability to share oneself without a need to receive is something that I cherish in myself. I also cherish the fact that I am extremely comfortable stating my boundaries and desires as well as needs in these areas.

As much as I love to give without receiving I also am not afraid to ask for what I desire. I have learned that giving of this nature can only happen when I myself am in a state of fullness and even better if my cup runneth over with orgasmic bliss already, as in these times are when I am not only willing to give and excited about it, but I want to give freely. In such moments I find my orgasm in others. I feel it when they express their joy, their pleasure. I feel my turn on not in the physical but in my heart and I experience a deeper layer of orgasmic living through this. These moments to me are very unsexual. They are playful education that help me remain in a state of acceptance, appreciation and openness.

This is where one’s willingness and wanting come together in a perfect dance to share love with someone in a special format that is not often understood by any of the parties in the moment it is happening. This is sharing of the unconditional sort.

Willingness Vs. Wanting

We all think that we understand the difference of these two. It seem’s pretty simple. Does it not?

“I am willing to help you move this weekend even though I actually want to just crash and veg on the couch because I am exhausted from the week.”

“I want to go to see Doctor Strange but am willing to see Moana instead.”

These are simple things to see the act of willingness with. The act of giving to another and not doing exactly what we want in the moment so that another can have pleasure with us, or through us  or accomplish something that they might need or want to but would like our help with. This does not make the person receiving self-centered. It does allow them to be selfish though and selfishness is not a bad thing as long as we are willing to be grateful for it, give back when possible and do not ever put another into a situation of harm or trauma.

When we are self-centered we tend to not be concerned about others. In these times we express our desires for what we feel are our needs or wants and we do not stop to think about the cost to others, nor do we care. When we are self-centered we are like a bull in a friends china shop and we disregard everything but what we are focused on. We also typically do not allow for space to occur for someone else to make a decision of how they feel or if they want, are willing or otherwise around whatever we are pushing for.

Let me share a brief story to help clarify self-centeredness in sexing:

A few years back I worked with a couple and the main spiff they had was around anal sex. The man loved anal sex and the woman occasionally liked it but most of the time was not interested as it was not her major turn on and she had even been hurt during it a few times. The husband could not understand why his wife would not always enjoy this practice so he thought that if he insisted on doing it more consistently and “assured her” that she liked it during the process that she would get a clue and start to enjoy it as much as he did.

When I spoke to the husband he always shared his concern that she was not understanding how great this act was or her own pleasure. He was convinced that her complaints were false and that for some reason she was just trying to take away his pleasure. When I spoke with the wife she shared that it hurt horribly and his aggressive nature, lack of asking her if she was wanting or even willing to play like this caused her a lot of stress. She was ready to pull the plug on the marriage if it continued. And she did in the end. The husband was shocked that she would divorce him for asking for what he wanted and it being such a small matter at that.

This couple shares a true tale of one partner being self-centered and ONLY concerned about his own pleasure and gratification. To the point of insisting that his wife did not understand what was happening with her own body and emotions.

That is not selflishness though!

Selfishness is another animal all together. We miss use the word all the time and therefore tend to wrap guilt and shame around something that is actually needed and we should have more of.
Yes I just said that you and I alike NEED to be selfish more!

Selfishness is when we ask for what we need. Selfishness does not mean that we will always get what we are asking for or that we should, it simply says that we know that we need something and that we know that we need to take care of ourselves. If we need another to help us fulfill this then we need to ask for it but if we can achieve it without another or can look elsewhere then often it is more than okay to do this as long as we remain in openness and integrity.

An example of being selfish would be:

After I had my seventh child I was having a really tough time gaining feeling back in my vaginal walls. It took me almost twice as long as previous postpartums. That did not stop my libido though, but the over tiredness and toddler who slept between my partner and myself plus the newborn did not make for the best of grounds for getting back in the saddle. On top of it when my partner and I had sex I could hardly feel him and could not orgasm. This all started doing a mind fuck on me and I found myself not interested in sex with my partner the way that I wanted to be. I knew that I was depleted of orgasmic energy and all the good hormones that get released and help support our bodies emotionally, mentally and physically when we are full on orgasm. I knew that if I did not get this soon that I would sink into depression even further and my old programs would have a better grip on me than normal. I knew that if I did not take care of myself and frequently that I would loose so much of myself and not be able to give to the world any more. So I took matters into my own hands and got SELFISH!!!!

I masturbated every morning. Being in an open relationship also allowed me to ask for more sex with not just my one partner but to pull in my other partner as well and start working my orgasm out in anyway possible. I asked my partners to go down on me, I asked to use toys, I even created some hot scenes that were playful and shared them and said that I wanted to try them. From someone looking in they may have said, ” This woman is a sex addict, she needs help, she is not thinking about anyone but herself.” They would have been right about one thing, I needed help, I needed to help myself and be selfish and I needed support from those who loved me.

Wanting, willing and taking. When we fully understand the differences we should be able to see the positive and negative that they all carry with them, just like anything in life.

Sometimes our wanting is so strong that it makes us forget about others. Other times our wanting is an act of sharing or a desire that we hope will be granted or at least heard in love and acceptance so that we can feel closer and more seen.

Our willingness is often based on one of three things:

*Love or care for another
*Guilt
*Compromise or control

The last two are based in fear and not even acts of selflessness, but acts of victim-hood and an inability to stand up for our own needs and boundaries. The first is based in love and often is unconditional and if it is conditional we are quick to set our terms.

When we speak of taking, it sounds so mean. Like we are stealing something or causing harm to another by taking. This is only sometimes true. Once again look at the motive behind the act. Look at the act itself. And most importantly realize that in any healthy relationship that one can ONLY take what is offered otherwise it is not a healthy relationship to start with. If you are taking without  being offered then you need to examine your actions and realize that you are causing trauma. If you take something that is being offered  authentically with no ill emotional back lash (i.e. guilt) then you are honoring your relationship and the gift bestowed upon you.

We take forcefully and we also take what we are being gifted. Ask yourself which it is and then choose wisely.

Honor those you love through the  act of unconditional sharing and through the art of receiving. Remember that the gifts given that are unconditional are often the most beautiful.

—KW
*Image from Samarel Liquid Erotica