I am looking for a girlfriend experience…
I can’t help it, men wake up with cum on the brain…
It’s your fault, you are so hot, I just cannot control myself…
You teach tantra, so that means that you will have sex with me…
I want to sex you…
So what do you think? (insert below average unsolicited dick pic here)
And so many other statements that we coaches, educators, tantra teachers and WOMEN GET DAILY.
And I have left some of the more raunchy ones off of this list.
If I shared what gets stated and shown to me frequently via Facebook messenger and other lines of social media and randomly to my email or phone I would get kicked off of Facebook. Funny little note here, if I report someone on Facebook for sexual harassment or aggressive statements or out of standard pictures I get to keep the pictures and messages, it is left up to me to dispose of them. But if I say one word that someone scrolling through see’s and is upset about then my posting is trashed and I am booted for three days…FAIR????🤔
My rant here is because I want to bring to light the ill ideas that so many have of women in general.
How so many (sorry men, but it is effing true) men think it okay, normal, ACCEPTABLE and even appreciated to message and make the comments that they do to random women they do not know or even ones that they do know.
The above leading statement, “I am looking for a girlfriend experience.” was recently messaged to me here on Facebook from an old client of mine who after yesterdays communications has been blocked and is on the cusp of having a restraining order served if he does not simmer his ass down.
YES! He took it that far.
It is hard to rattle me.
It is difficult to get to me with the distasteful pictures and comments.
I typically just delete after a good laugh. 🤣🤣🤣
With no message back.
Every now then when I am hormonal or just in a bitchy mood and had enough of the shenanigans that these pervs who seem to be dressed up as adult men send out,
on these days,
these days I get a little sarcastic.
And fire back something. 📣🤣🤦♀️
I consider it tossing my ego some breadcrumbs.
As I do so much work to keep light on my ego and stay aware of where it is and how it is trying to control me.
But then this shiz 💩happens.
An old client solicits me for sex.
Assuming it is okay.
Assuming that I would I guess be excited at his proud offer.
And then to his dismay, I say – NO! 😱
Sorry sir, I don’t do that.
I don’t sleep with my clients.
I don’t do sexual things with my clients.
If you want to do a coaching appointment over dinner, yes we can .
If you want and extended coaching session, yes we can do that too.
You want me to listen and give you connection that way, yes we can do that too.
You want a hug. – yes I will give you a hug if you need it.
Oh wait, you want me to come to your hotel room and stay the effing night????? ( scratching my head as I wonder where he got this idea from🤔)
Ummmmm…. let me see if that is in my pay grade? or desire grade?
And yet so many men out there think that we women will be ecstatic to just have a guy message and say, ” I wanna f-ck you.” or ” I love you. So lets have sex. Let me touch you here and there. Do this and that to you. I can show you want a real man is like.”
And we women are to go weak at the knees I guess.
And get wet, and be like “Oh my God, my soulmate has arrived! YES. YES. YES. Please, take me. Let me bend over for this two pump chump that I have been dreaming of.”
Oh I know what will make it better.
This chick she is hot and she teaches on sex.
I will offer to pay her for the two pumps.
That will be appealing.
That will seal the deal.
And these same men will proclaim themselves Conscious Men.
Emotionally Mature Men.
Understanding Women Men.
Of which none really apply.
I am a woman who loves men.
I love supporting men.
I love working with men.
I love seeing men become better men.
Having the love, the relationships, the sex and abundance that they want.
But with someone that is not me.
Unless you are my boyfriend. My lover.
Which FYI is NOT an easy place to get.
Women can be easy for sure.
Some more than others.
And this has a lot to do with a lot of things.
But most women who love themselves, respect themselves and KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.
Will not bed easy.
Or with just anyone.
And for certain not with these FOOLS!
Sorry wantabe gents, I only provide a girlfriend experience to my boyfriend.
And he is my boyfriend because he is at least wise enough to not make these stupid assumptions.
SO this rant, is for all you ladies out there.
Single or taken.
No matter your relationship status,
no matter your body type,
no matter your background,
or ethnic background.
I know we all get this SHIZ consistently and it sucks.
So the next time a dude sends you a unsolicited dick pic and says what do you think baby?
Simply say, ” I think you should not be sending me child pornography and I am reporting this.”
Guys, you can call me whatever name you want right now, and if you are calling me names and taking offense then you might be one of these dudes I am speaking of.
In Jeff Foxworthy terms, “Here’s Your Sign!”
This may be a controversial post…
This may have some anger and frustration attached,
and I am NOT claiming that all men are this way ( thank goodness you are not or we women would be very upset and lonely) What I am saying is that –
💩💩💩THIS SHIZ IS NOT OKAY!!!💩💩💩
Guy’s you have got to realize that if all you think you have to offer is that little picture and some fowl words, some begging and then some anger when you get NOTHING but crickets or go the eff away….
That YOU have got some inner work to do.
You have got to learn some things about women and life.
We don’t owe you anything, certainly not our sex.
Maybe a blocking on social media… but our thanks and appreciation for this crap is not owed.
You want to have a chance with a women,
appeal to her mind and heart.
Women DO NOT operate like men.
Your pictures will not captivate us and make us want you.
And we typically don’t let sex rule our lives.
Or our actions.
And if you really want a woman,
then you need to F-CKING EARN HER!
Become a man.
We are not babysitters.
We are not wanting the immaturity,
Your sexual comments are NOT A TURN ON.
I sure as eff hope so.
But sadly the men who need to read this,
And to the rest of you men out there,
who this does not apply too.
Keep doing you!
The world needs more GOOD MEN.
Okay rant over.
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Mmmmmmmm….. sounds good, huh?
Sounds like something you want.
That you desire more of in your life.
I sit here this morning contemplating so many things,
and I often find myself excavating past lessons so that I do not repeat them in current time and space.
As I analyze things, especially how I choose to do relationship I see how difficult I might be to have a serious one with.
And I do not believe that it is the fact that I enjoy multiple people in my life that is the difficult thing.
What is difficult for most is my integrity about it.
I share openly about my feelings.
About my past.
About my desires.
I share how I feel.
The issue is that we are taught that we should not want anything more than the relationship we have.
That the relationship we have is to complete us,
to make us happy, and to provide all our needs.
If it does not then under no conditions should you turn to someone else to get this met.
ESPECIALLY someone you may be attracted too or them to you.
I hear the statement,
” Be cautious of the situation you put yourself in.”
I hear the concern in this statement.
I hear the plea of if you hang around people you like, are attracted too then you may stray,
and straying equates to you leaving.
Because you have to make a choice.
Because there is ONLY so much love to go around.
Because you cannot have multiple relationships successfully.
Because it makes ME uncomfortable.
Okay, here is where I get a little uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable in my truth.
My truth is that I can NEVER go back to a way of living where I shut myself down from the world,
from other people,
and/or from men.
I f-cking love my male friends and lovers.
Whether current lovers of not, I may be enjoying time with them.
And when it is imposed on me that I need to not do this,
I feel shackles being put on me and on my emotions,
And YES you better believe I will be making a choice.
I am poly my nature.
In all things I do.
I do love many.
I do enjoy many.
And may be likely to have intimacies in multiple ways with a few.
The one’s who capture my heart,
capture my essence for a season of our lives dancing together,
are the one’s who are confident enough in themselves and who get the difference between love and need.
Who can embrace my feminine wave of love.
These are the ones or THE ONE that will hold me a lifetime.
Now I am not speaking on sex here.
When I say intimacy,
I mean depth in revealing.
Sex can be this intimacy,
however sexing will only be as deep and intimate as we allow ourselves to be revealed in it.
Sex can just be that, sex.
It can be friction based and meaningless.
Sex does not mean love.
Sex does not mean commitment.
Sex does not mean intimacy.
Sex is a communication tool,
a physical communication tool .
And if you show up at only a surface level in your daily interactions with a lover,
then your sexing will only mimic the same.
If you have depth, intimacy, surrender, authenticity in your daily interactions then your sex can go to this level as well,
or it can still be held in a place of disconnect if we are letting everything be heard in other ways but are scared to speak our truth in the bedroom.
Sex DOES NOT mean intimacy.
It can however deepen our intimacy and love.
It all depends on our level of surrender with our partner.
In the land of poly,
many believe that poly means to have multiple sexual partners. But this is not true,
poly is about something much more frightening than sex.
It is about LOVE.
And in love we can go deep with someone,
and we might open the gateway to sex.
Might I even say gourmet sex?
Because of the love,
because of the more authentic relating.
But poly DOES NOT equate to sex,
lot’s of sex,
or sex with many.
You can be monogamous in your sexing,
and polyamorous in your relating and intimacy sharing.
And you can have success in this.
Just like you can have success in an open relationship with open sexing, or a swinging relationship.
Just like you can have success in a monogamous relationship.
A successful relationship is not about the sexual labels you put on it.
It is based on the confidence that each party has in themselves first, the self-love they have, and their ability to show up authentically in the realtionship. Which means authentic communication.
Year spent together does not equate a successful relationship.
Unconditional love, and forward moving growth,
individually and together gives you opportunity to have this.
The most happy people on the planet are the one’s who have multiple close relationships. The healthiest people are the same.
Healthy mentally, emotionally and physically.
All requires intimacy shared.
Closing yourself off to the world is a death sentence in an essence.
Closing yourself off to the world and ONLY allowing intimacy to be shared with but ONE is putting all your eggs in one basket and putting an unrealistic expectation on the ONE. As well, as expecting that you as an individual can survive with only this one food source.
Because relationships are food.
They are emotional, mental, spiritual food.
They effect our body, mind and soul.
They impact us at a deep level.
And not having them does not mean that we are not effected.
Avoidance of relationship DOES equate avoidance of your heart and soul.
It is hiding from all the intimacy and truth that you are meant to share.
We hide out of fear of getting hurt.
We choose to not get involved,
to not catch feelings,
out of fear of getting burned.
If we do step into a relationship,
we then revamp our whole world and expect our partner to do the same, by not having relationship outside of the primary relationship. Often this simply means to pull away from anyone that there may potentially be “feelings” for.
And we do this out of fear.
Fear of loss.
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of having too much love.
We close off because our ego’s affirm to us that it is not safe to love.
Love will not hurt you.
Love is not limited.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” ( 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
So why do we fear it so?
Why do we handcuff it so?
Why do we cover it with our self-centered need?
Because we do not understand.
And we equate many a thing to be love.
We fear what we do not know.
We fear what we cannot control.
We fear that we will loose if we love,
therefore we choose to turn our backs on love,
as we embrace its doppelganger of lust and need.
is authentic relating.
come in many ways and are what brings joy and surrender to all relationship.
Sex is never a reason to fear loss.
Love will never create loss.
The only reasons we change seasons with a relationship is because we have either out grown the relationship or have not grown to the next level within it,
or it was based on need ( not love) and those needs are no longer being met.
Level up your love life,
by tapping into your authentic self.
Embody yourself and open to love.
This is the answer to your happily ever after.
Stop Existing & Start Living
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He came hard and strong.
He came deep and long.
He vibrated my whole body with his orgasm and carried me deeper into my own.
My pussy twitched, squeezed and swallowed him up with her orgasmic sucking of his cum.
My heart raced,
as he pushed deeper,
pressing up against my cervix,
quivers, convulsions, followed by moans.
The wetness intensified,
and he softened.
allowing me to ride my own orgasmic wave,
as his cock relaxed within my warm embrace.
Together we breathe deep.
Without notice he moves in hast downward,
devouring me with his mouth.
Spreading open my legs,
sucking, kissing and enjoying the cocktail of our juices together that flow from my flesh.
My pussy ignites at the comfort that he enjoys this with.
Teasing my clit,
nursing softly on her even,
as he penetrates my pussy with his fingers and licks her soft lips.
For a moment, my mind wonders,
in fear that he will not be okay with our blended juices,
and will step away from me, leave me here on the verge of vulnerability.
Here where my body is opening and craving more.
But then I find myself in gratitude,
in love even with his confidence,
his comfort in himself,
as a man,
in our sex,
and with my body.
He does not stray away from the moment,
but instead hungers toward it.
His strength in his own acceptance is powerful,
is beautiful and refreshing.
He heals my soul and my sex at a deeper level in this moment without even realizing it.
The lesson he shares with me is to love yourself.
And with this acceptance of self,
others too will embrace and accept you at a deeper level.
Here is what we crave as humans.
Here is what we all want.
To be able to be raw, real and ourselves.
And to be embraced this way.
But how do we truly achieve acceptance in life,
with other human beings?
With our lovers?
We do it by accepting ourselves.
We do it by embracing ourselves.
We do it by being real and raw with who we are.
And learning to love our flaws,
We do it by being turned on to connection.
I hear from many people,
“I want depth in a realtionship.”
” I don’t want sex to just be friction. I want to be felt, seen and to really feel and see my partner”
” I want to feel love and connection.”
” I just wish I could be accepted for who I am.”
You will never have these things.
IF – You are not first accepting yourself.
IF – you are not truly turned on to connection.
What do I mean by turned on to connection?
Turned on to connection means that you need to actually appreciate, accept and even enjoy other human beings.
You need to WANT to connect.
Not just say that you want it and then turn around and bitch about it.
Or claim that you hate people.
If you hate people,
then how do you ever expect to have any of the above things?
If you hate people, then you more than likely are highly judgmental of people and thus of yourself,
which leads us back to self acceptance.
And if you cannot accept yourself fully,
then you will never be able to accept another.
Which will leave a feeling with others that you are judging them.
Because you are.
In our sex,
we are most critical,
and fearful of our humanness.
We fear that which we desire the most.
because it shows our humanness.
My share above about an experience with a lover is one that I bring up because I have experienced the direct opposite as well.
Years ago, I had a lover that turned me on in so many amazing ways,
All were yummie as f-ck.
I could devour the man for hours if he would let me.
But then would come the moment where I might take him in my mouth and enjoy giving him pleasure. Afterward, my desire to be snuggled and kissed were high and I would lean into these, he on the reverse side would lean away.
Avoiding the post blow job kiss.
Avoiding the post sex snuggle.
Even if he had not cum in my mouth he was challenged by the fact that his cock had been there and would no longer deeply kiss me.
In our sex, after he came, he would retract himself quickly from my body,
he would never venture downward to make sure that I was fulfilled,
and he would want to shower afterward.
Any one of these things, let alone all of them together revealed a deep intimacy issue and acceptance issue.
Not with me primarily, although that was the side effect.
But with himself.
Never allowing him to fully embrace the beauty and turn on of what our relationship could have been and offered.
The end result was a break up.
Because his disconnect to himself created a space that left me feeling it was not safe to surrender to him,
that he found me nasty in some fashion,
and that our sex was not about connection or love,
not even healthy play and f-ck buddies,
but that I was just a masturbation toy to him,
a piece of meat,
that he used and then was disgusted by.
I felt like I was far from accepted.
I felt disgusting.
Yet, with other lovers like the one above,
where he embraced us both,
remained turned on throughout our whole experience,
and accepted us both in all our humanness,
left me feeling beautiful,
wanting him more,
Here is intimacy.
Here is authenticity.
Here is love,
first with self, then with another.
And the ONLY way to have it….
Acceptance of self.
No matter what you may be desiring in life,
the first step toward it is based in this truth.
If we can not accept who we are,
then we do not really know ourselves either.
Therefore, we cannot move forward in soul alignment.
And we will not achieve our desired life.
Have our desired relationships.
Or enjoy the F-ck YES! Life that we crave at our core.
Take this moment to STOP and appreciate yourself.
Look in a mirror,
deep into your own eye’s,
tell yourself that you love yourself.
Notice where your self- criticisms come up, ‘where you harbor pain, anger, frustration about yourself,
and just lean into it with love.
Embrace yourself fully and life will embrace you.
Stop Existing & Start Living
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If your happy and you know it…
Oh baby you know it is exactly what you crave.
It is what your soul wants for you in every waking moment and with every breath you take.
It is your birth right.
It is how you were designed to be.
And yet you do not have it.
You instead choose to suffer.
You choose to ignore your truth.
You choose to say NO.
And you fall asleep at night wondering why this life does not support you the way you need or desire.
You wake in the mornings with thoughts of fear, stress, and frustration.
Never realizing that YOU,
have all the mother f-cking power.
You always have had it.
It has never been any other way.
You are the one.
You are the BOSS.
SO why do you keep allowing what you allow?
Why do you keep disapproving of everything that your soul craves,
that your heart wants.
Why do you turn away from what ignites you?
You know what I am speaking of,
that thing that causes a great stir in your core,
that thing that makes your gut burn when you think about it,
that thing that if you leaning a little more into it and you admitted it,
TURNS YOU THE F-CK ON!!!!!
Yes that thing.
That thing that if you allow it to just f-cking sit there for the rest of your life like you have done since its conception so far, will LITERALLY
eat away at your soul.
So why are you willing to sacrifice your everything to avoid that which is your life mission?
Are you really the sort of person who is okay with walking away from your hearts truth?
Are you really good with dying with this sort of regret?
Are you really so f-cking content with your life of scarcity, fear and average and ordinary that you are going to continue to say no?
Or are you one of the .01% who decide to CLAIM THEIR LIVES?
I personally really don’t care what you decide,
I can hope for you,
like I do for everyone,
that you do what is best for your soul,
and in turn that will be best for everyone in your life,
and in our world.
But at the end of the day,
I know that there is no one that can get you to do it,
there is no one that can make a decision for you,
you can blame others,
you can sit around and say,
“Well if so and so had told me, had texted me, had spent more time with me, then I would have the passion, the drive, the knowing, the blah..blah..blah. that I need to embrace the life that I want. To do the things I know I need.”
The reality though is this:
YOU ARE THE MOTHER F-CKING BOSS OF YOUR WORLD!!!!
So start acting like it or don’t.
You can continue to sit around on your thumbs and blame, point fingers and cry in your whatever.
It won’t get you anywhere.
But you can certainly do it.
I can tell you that I won’t be there to support it though.
I won’t feel bad about it either.
I may empathize with you, as I have had plenty of moments like that myself,
but sympathy is a gift I will not bestow on you for your choice to remain a victim to your ego.
We all come into this world with the same opportunities.
You may disagree with me,
because you may look at the material world and think that just because someone is born into a life with money, more freedoms and liberties than another that they have some advantage over you.
But that is not so.
That is not what I speak of this morning.
Sure those luxuries are nice and may help make one’s experience on the front side more pleasurable,
But they do not make a person
And they do not guarantee that a person will live their
And these are the things your soul wants for you.
These are the things that keep you up,
make you feel the way that you do,
cause you pain, from not living.
Make you wonder if you know yourself,
or if happiness will ever happen for you,
have you feeling lost and though there is always something you must attain more of to try and fill this void that is with in you.
Baby you are wanting what all of us are wanting.
And you are the only person who can provide it for yourself.
You must learn to allow it.
and here is another secret for you,
(since I like to share little secrets with you)
That happiness that you crave from a deep soul level is
the very thing…
yeah remember that thing?
the thing that will give you all the abundance,
all the blessing,
that you desire as well.
You will not get the abundance and blessing first.
No you must first find your JOY.
Find your happiness.
And the money,
the material items,
will then follow.
It does not go the other way.
It is that simple.
SO why the f-ck are you denying yourself of what you were born to live?
Don’t worry, be happy
Just be it.
Be it now.
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
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A yes to your pleasure.
I love a good orgasm.
I crave a good orgasm.
I need so desperately a good orgasm.
How about you?
Lately I have been challenged though with orgasm.
And I am noticing that it is increasingly becoming more and more difficult for me to drop down and open up to ORGASM.
I find myself with my lover,
attempting to open up,
attempting to receive,
attempting to lean more in to all that he is offering me.
I know that my pleasure increases his pleasure.
I know that it is not his responsibility to get me to orgasm.
The reality is that ONLY I can give myself an orgasm.
I do not say this as to say that only I can “rub one out.”
No I mean that only I can give myself an orgasm by allowing it to happen.
So why am I preventing myself from this pleasure?
Why am I limiting my experience?
An Issue with Worthiness.
An Issue with Trust.
An Issue with Self- Love and thus love in itself and even toward my partner.
Here is the reality of why one does not open to ORGASM.
Instead I find myself,
laying there closed off in frustration.
I find myself craving more,
but not asking for what I need or want in the moment.
I find myself not speaking about it in general.
I find myself a prisoner in my mind during sex.
Disconnected from my body,
disconnected from my sex.
Instead of spreading my whole being more open,
Instead of saying, “Hey, I need this touch… or this position.. or this time…this kiss.” I say nothing and go into analyzation of the mechanics of what is happening, of what is wrong with me, of a technique or I just find myself drifting off into some other place that is non sexy in my mind and getting lost there until a nerve is teased and brings me back to my body for a second.
Especially because my partner is being present, loving, supportive, taking his time and really applying himself to my pleasure.
I see all of his greatness.
I just cannot feel it.
And this reality has NOTHING to do with him,
and everything to do with me.
So here I sit after a ton of good sexing,
with female blue balls. ( Yes that is a thing, us ladies get blue balls just like men. And we get bitchy as hell from it.)
I sit here after a bunch of good sexing,
frustrated, throbbing, achy, moody, disappointed in myself, tired and in fear.
Fear of sharing my truth.
Fear of what is going on with me inside my heart and mind.
I know my body is fine, my heart and mind though are struggling to open back up to love and connection and feel overwhelmed from all the stresses of life.
Fear of what my lover may think or feel if I share my truth.
With all of that shared, I KNOW the path I must take.
And if you are challenged with finding your ORGASM as well,
if you are experiencing a moment like what I am,
where you are having good sex,
with a good partner,
and you are enjoying the sex,
you just are NOT GETTING THERE.
You just DO NOT FEEL the release.
But it is still good.
Then listen up!
Take it from someone who has been educating and coaching on SEX and ORGASM for the last decade and can be multi- orgasmic.
If you are feeling non-orgasmic and wonder will I ever get through this?
If you are questioning what is wrong with me?
You can get through it.
You can access your “O”
You can feel again.
The steps to pleasure are not about a better stroke.
Are not about deeper penetration.
Are not about more sex.
What you have to do is simple but not easy.
OPEN UP YOUR HEART.
GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
Stop focusing on the mechanics of sex.
Sex for us women is so very much more than mechanics.
We will NEVER access true orgasm if we are just focusing in on our genitals and the mechanics.
ORGASM is not about the “in and out”
It is about the CONNECTION.
First to self.
Then to partner.
It is a meditation.
It requires us to let go of our fears, our concerns,
our thoughts about everything else.
And JUST BECOME ONE
with our PUSSY.
As we open our hearts and soul in our sex,
we open our pussy’s ability to feel more,
to experience more.
This WILL REQUIRE our love of self,
and our understanding that we are WORTHY of pleasure and of LOVE.
We must support our ORGASM by asking for what we need.
By guiding in love our partners hands, mouths, cocks and attention.
We cannot just LAY THERE.
If you craving ORGASM the way that I am, then you have to COMMIT to CLAIMING IT.
You have to ASK for IT.
Therefore it is high time BABY,
that you speak up.
Show if you have too.
Try new things.
Stop beating yourself up for not having an ORGASM.
For feeling like a shitting partner, because you cannot achieve what you and your partner both want for you,
but instead OPEN to it.
IT IS TIME YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
KNOW YOU ARE WORTH IT.
WORTH IT ALL!
No one else can do this for you.
No one else can get you to open up.
And here is just one more reality ladies,
When you finally open to the “O” between your legs,
and it comes from your core, not the mechanics of sex.
You will be on the path to EMBRACING YOUR LIFE “O”
You will start to tap into ALL OF YOUR beautiful abundance.
You will STEP INTO YOUR POWER.
She awaits you.
She is you.
“The Goddess between my legs, makes mouths water.” – Rupi Kaur
May your rivers flow endlessly.
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
It’s early evening when I receive the text, and I am relaxing outside and trying to get some work done. I see the name, and I am immediately intrigued because it is rare these days that I see this name on my phone screen. He wants to come over for a little while, and I know that he has plans beyond just chatting. I sit, staring at my phone for a few minutes, pondering my options. On the one hand, I know that I really need and desire some focused attention. On the other hand, I have some major emotional blocks with him right now and am still holding a traumatic event in my body. I have the choice to lean into the vulnerable here or to shut down and completely shut him out. I finally decide to step into vulnerability and see if I can allow my own opening with his help.
The evening begins alright, and he is even a little playful in our initial banter back and forth. Though he only spends a short amount of time focused solely on me and during this brief stint continues to tell me to relax. As soon as he enters me, we begin to fight as he starts to tell me that it’s my fault I’m not orgasming. He yells at me that I’m in my head. That I need to try this fantasy or that fantasy. My emotions rise as he blames me for the lack of feeling, lack of pleasure, lack of connection at the moment. The second I mention that I’m struggling due to past events… he shuts down, throws himself backward and asks for a blow job. He’s given up on me. If I can’t throw my feelings, trauma, and body away to play the part, then he isn’t going to waste his time on me. He wants me to be a microwaveable porn star. And once again, I feel more trauma and hold back. I’m pissed! I leaned in here, and now I’m angry with myself because I feel like I should’ve known better. I’m left feeling more disconnected, used, and in the end, broken as I welcome my Ego in to play for a little while.
Is my orgasm my responsibility? Yes. It is my job to connect with my body. To push past the blockages and truly feel into things. A woman that is unwilling to allow her orgasm will not be able to get to that place of bliss she is desiring and that is imperative for her body as a whole. Though a woman also needs a man’s presence and his ability to hold space. She can’t do it by herself. A woman requires focused attention, time, and understanding of her process.
We don’t surrender to that needed physical level all by ourselves. We need the strong masculine to hold space.
Fighting with your woman in the middle of sex about her lack of orgasm is not holding space. Telling your woman that it is her fault that she isn’t able to orgasm isn’t going to get to the bottom of any orgasm dilemmas. In all honesty, this type of energy, questioning, and blaming will only consistently move your woman further and further from tapping into her orgasm and continue to drive a wedge into the relationship.
Men, if your woman isn’t orgasming, then you need to be looking at yourself in the mirror. I know this could be a hard statement to swallow, but it’s true. That’s not saying you need to blame yourself, but you do need to look at how you are approaching your woman, the truth of the relationship dynamics, and if you are truly giving her the time and space to work into her true feminine energy and allowing this flow. Are you able and willing to have the hard emotional conversations to step into the difficulties in the relationship, and if that is not the problem, then can you hold space while your woman is doing her own work to really tap in? Sometimes, even more importantly, are you listening?
In the above scenario, I was telling my lover that I was not interested in several fantasies that he was presenting to me. He chose to instead fight with me about his perception of my arousal and that I was denying myself instead of listening to my consistent verbalizations over several different experiences. I was sharing from my heart that although I love adventure and play in my sexing that, right now, in the current living space, that I needed a very simple and straightforward connection in my sexing. My lover refused to acknowledge again and again the fact that it was the relationship and severe boundary crossing that was causing my hold back. He didn’t want to hear it, to step into the emotion, and instead chose to shut down. FYI, this is not the divine masculine at work… these types of reactions are the reactions of a man that never grew into his manhood. If you are a man, are you doing any of these things with your relationship?
In my practice, I strive to have guys tap into their divine masculine because, then, they will be able to tap deeper into themselves, but also deeper into their woman. As soon as you can tap deeper into your woman, then she can then guide you to a thus even deeper level of yourself that only comes from the divine feminine.
What needs to be understood about female orgasm is that if she does not feel safe emotionally and physically, then she isn’t going to open up. You may think your woman feels safe physically, but physical safety goes deeper than most people think. Have you ever entered her prematurely and caused pain? Have you ever not listened to her safe word? Have you ever used her pussy as Prozac? Then there could be some physical trust that needs to be worked on because if any of the above has happened, then a woman needs to re-learn physical safety in your lovemaking.
From an emotional safety perspective, your woman needs to feel she is able to open up in and out of the bedroom without fearing your reaction… this includes the reaction of complete shutdown. A shutdown man is just as emotionally traumatizing to a woman as a man that is screaming in rage. It is not safe! Emotional safety in the bedroom is allowing her to have her experience and express her experience. It is not you telling her what her experience is… that is actually manipulation and going to create emotional detachment in the relationship and possibly within herself.
Want a woman to lose connection to her orgasm? Continually tell her she is experiencing something she is not or that her perception of her experience is wrong. Again, we come back to listen to your woman. Inquiry is one thing, but let’s remember gentlemen that you have no idea what she is experiencing. You cannot tell another human being what is happening in their mind or body.
Although it is her responsibility to lean into her orgasm, and to do her personal work, it is YOUR responsibility to earn her orgasm. Earn her by being trustworthy, supportive, and emotionally present. It is not a blame game! It is a connection and opening game that must be played TOGETHER!
If you are a woman and want to learn to step deeper into your orgasm then check out the life-changing Instantly Orgasmic Woman Recorded Global Workshop to increase your pleasure, connection, and BLISS!