How Eating Pussy After You Cum Builds Intimacy.

He came hard and strong.
He came deep and long.
He vibrated my whole body with his orgasm and carried me deeper into my own.
My pussy twitched, squeezed and swallowed him up with her orgasmic sucking of his cum.
My heart raced,
as he pushed deeper,
pressing up against my cervix,
opening her,
quivers, convulsions, followed by moans.
The wetness intensified,
and he softened.
Still stroking,
allowing me to ride my own orgasmic wave,
as his cock relaxed within my warm embrace.
Together we breathe deep.
Hearts racing.
We kiss.
Without notice he moves in hast downward,
devouring me with his mouth.
Spreading open my legs,
his lips,
his tongue,
sucking, kissing and enjoying the cocktail of our juices together that flow from my flesh.
My pussy ignites at the comfort that he enjoys this with.
Teasing my clit,
nursing softly on her even,
as he penetrates my pussy with his fingers and licks her soft lips.
For a moment, my mind wonders,
panics even,
in fear that he will not be okay with our blended juices,
and will step away from me, leave me here on the verge of vulnerability.
Here where my body is opening and craving more.
But then I find myself in gratitude,
in love even with his confidence,
his comfort in himself,
as a man,
in our sex,
and with my body.
He does not stray away from the moment,
but instead hungers toward it.
His strength in his own acceptance is powerful,
is beautiful and refreshing.
He heals my soul and my sex at a deeper level in this moment without even realizing it.
The lesson he shares with me is to love yourself.
Accept yourself.
And with this acceptance of self,
others too will embrace and accept you at a deeper level.

Yes.
Yes.
Here is what we crave as humans.
Here is what we all want.
Acceptance.
Connection.
To be able to be raw, real and ourselves.
And to be embraced this way.

But how do we truly achieve acceptance in life,
with other human beings?
With our lovers?

We do it by accepting ourselves.
We do it by embracing ourselves.
We do it by being real and raw with who we are.
And learning to love our flaws,
our humanness.
We do it by being turned on to connection.

I hear from many people,
“I want depth in a realtionship.”
” I don’t want sex to just be friction. I want to be felt, seen and to really feel and see my partner”
” I want to feel love and connection.”
” I just wish I could be accepted for who I am.”

You will never have these things.
IF – You are not first accepting yourself.
and
IF – you are not truly turned on to connection.

What do I mean by turned on to connection?
Turned on to connection means that you need to actually appreciate, accept and even enjoy other human beings.
You need to WANT to connect.
Not just say that you want it and then turn around and bitch about it.
Or claim that you hate people.
If you hate people,
then how do you ever expect to have any of the above things?
If you hate people, then you more than likely are highly judgmental of people and thus of yourself,
which leads us back to self acceptance.

And if you cannot accept yourself fully,
then you will never be able to accept another.

Which will leave a feeling with others that you are judging them.
Because you are.

In our sex,
we are most critical,
judgmental,
and fearful of our humanness.
We fear that which we desire the most.
because it shows our humanness.
Our flaws.

My share above about an experience with a lover is one that I bring up because I have experienced the direct opposite as well.

Years ago, I had a lover that turned me on in so many amazing ways,
his scent,
his flavor,
his kiss,
his smile,
his voice,
his personality,
his body.

All were yummie as f-ck.
I could devour the man for hours if he would let me.
But then would come the moment where I might take him in my mouth and enjoy giving him pleasure. Afterward, my desire to be snuggled and kissed were high and I would lean into these, he on the reverse side would lean away.

Avoiding the post blow job kiss.
Avoiding the post sex snuggle.
Even if he had not cum in my mouth he was challenged by the fact that his cock had been there and would no longer deeply kiss me.
In our sex, after he came, he would retract himself quickly from my body,
he would never venture downward to make sure that I was fulfilled,
and he would want to shower afterward.

Any one of these things, let alone all of them together revealed a deep intimacy issue and acceptance issue.

Not with me primarily, although that was the side effect.
But with himself.

Never allowing him to fully embrace the beauty and turn on of what our relationship could have been and offered.

The end result was a break up.
And why?
Because his disconnect to himself created a space that left me feeling it was not safe to surrender to him,
that he found me nasty in some fashion,
and that our sex was not about connection or love,
not even healthy play and f-ck buddies,
but that I was just a masturbation toy to him,
a piece of meat,
that he used and then was disgusted by.

I felt like I was far from accepted.
I felt disgusting.

Yet, with other lovers like the one above,
where he embraced us both,
remained turned on throughout our whole experience,
and accepted us both in all our humanness,
left me feeling beautiful,
turned on,
wanting him more,
and open.

Here is intimacy.
Here is authenticity.
Here is love,
first with self, then with another.

And the ONLY way to have it….
Acceptance of self.

No matter what you may be desiring in life,
the first step toward it is based in this truth.
If we can not accept who we are,
then we do not really know ourselves either.
Therefore, we cannot move forward in soul alignment.
And we will not achieve our desired life.
Have our desired relationships.
Or enjoy the F-ck YES! Life that we crave at our core.

Take this moment to STOP and appreciate yourself.
Look in a mirror,
really look,
deep into your own eye’s,
tell yourself that you love yourself.
Notice where your self- criticisms come up, ‘where you harbor pain, anger, frustration about yourself,
and just lean into it with love.

Embrace yourself fully and life will embrace you.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.

It is NOT compromise. It is rape!

Are you effing kidding me?
Really?
How can you do that to your body?
To your psyche?
To your everything?

I don’t effing get it.
Yet…

I DO.

I get it because I use to do it too.
I did it so much that I grew comfortable with it.
It just became part of my norm.
And I did not see the bitterness and resentment that it engraved into my life,
into my relationship,
until it was too late.

I thought it was just how it was.
And that it was “okay.”

After all life is about compromise, right?
We cannot always have things our way,
and sometimes,
actually often,
we have to find a space that neither side gets what it wants and both give in to something that is doable to make the results the best they can be.

So, this is what I thought I was doing.
And I was.
And you are too!

But you want in on a little secret?
Not a secret, actually,
just a reality that you may not want t o hear because you may feel disgusting after you fully digest it.

In these times like I share here,
which happens to be all too many times in our lives.
In all areas of our life as I have discovered.

You are raping yourself.

Yes.
I just said that.

And I will say it again.
So happy f-cking Monday morn my peep’s!!!!

You are raping yourself.
You most likely are doing it right now.
Or you soon will be.
Or you will in a few hours or by the end of today.

Your raping yourself.
You are are bending over,
spreading yourself open,
saying “sure, that’s okay….yeah…yeah…let’s do this or that.”

You are believing that you have to do that in order to exist
You have to do it in order to keep peace,
in order to enjoy some rewards that you don’t believe you will have unless you give of yourself in this fashion.

You believe that if you were to say no.
To say I am not in the mood.
I am not turned on to this or that.
It does not feel good to me.
That actually hurts me.
I don’t like that at all.
I never get anything from this.

or…

some other statement of your lack of interest in it,
that you would loose something.

You are afraid that you would have life shut you down in some way.

You are afraid that if you stated your truth,
that you would not be received well,
and then that would hurt you more than just saying yes,
when you are a no.

So you say, ” Okay.. let’s do it!
And you figure, ” It’s just compromise. It’s just the way life is. You cannot have everything you want all the time. So what’s the harm is giving of yourself this time or the next when even though you really hate it, or are shut down to it?”

Whats the BIG effing deal?

Rape seems like a harsh term to use Kendal.
I am not raping myself!
I am just compromising.
I am just letting someone else use my body, my time, my energy, my money, my life for their pleasure. For their abundance building. for their goals and aspirations.

That is the way life works.
Have you not heard?

Sure I don’t feel great afterward.
My body feels yuck.
I feel a low grade depression.
I feel weaker,
less excited about things.
I have a tough time looking in the mirror.
Or making eye contact.
I crave all the wrong foods or I feel like not eating at all.
I am testy.
Moody.
Angry.
Anxiety ridden.
Fatigued.
Can’t sleep well.
Weaken immune system.

Yeah so what.
That is just part of life.
It’s not rape.

Well, I am sorry to shed the light on this for you,
but as a woman who has experienced rape in the sexual nature a couple of times in my life,

and as a woman who has had all too much duty sex AKA self rape ( in my opinion),

and as a woman who has allowed herself to be raped emotionally, psychologically, financially, time wise and many other ways through out life here and there.

I will tell you with utter certainty.

YOU ARE RAPING YOURSELF!!!!!

And to make matters worse.
You think its normal.
Its okay.
That you have too.

OMFG!!!!!
Have a little love for yourself already.
You got no love?
How about empathy?
Compassion?

Where the f-ck is your give a shit for you?
Yet you claim you want a life worth living.
You claim you want to make changes.
You claim you want joy,
happiness, love.
ABUNDANCE.

But you think by spreading your legs and allowing someone else to have their way, to pump pump eww goo in you and get theirs that you are going to somehow succeed at having the life that you want? ( scratching my head here.)

Are you effing kidding me?
You are crazy!

That is all I have to say.
Although,
I get it.

I REALLY do.
Because I have been you.
In all areas of my life.

But you know what the reality is?
At some point,
You have to close up your rape shop.
You have to start to honor yourself enough,
to say NO.

You have to get into integrity with the most important person in your life.

YOU.
And you have to not just give it lip service, no you have to actually commit to it.

You want freedom based living?
You want a F-ck Yes Life?
You want to be in love with yourself and your life?
You want to be proud of yourself?
You want to actually succeed at having what you claim you want?

Well here is the gig.
You must stop raping yourself.

In all areas of your life.
It is time.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

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I will be sharing mind shift strategies that I have adapted through the years to manifest the Freedom Based Life that I now live today.

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My Orgasm Is Not Just Between My Legs.

My orgasm is not just between my legs!
 
My orgasm is so much more than I can share in words.
My orgasm is what I thrive on.
My orgasm is what radiates me,
it gives me the drive to keep going on when it seem’s as though I should not be able too.
My orgasm is what wakes me at 5:55am.
My orgasm is what keeps me up until 1:30am or later many nights.
My orgasm is why I smile.
It is why I make eye contact.
It is why I walk with ease and breathe deep.
My orgasm is what make my world go around.
 
And when I let go of my orgasm….
well my world effing shatters.
 
My soul screams at me.
 

“Girl!!!!!! WTF are you doing allowing your life to be non-orgasmic? GET YOUR ASS back on the orgasm band wagon and let it rip!”

 
Yes.
This is what my soul screams.
If I choose to ignore,
then I can only expect suffering.
I know for sure that my life will dwindle,
my mood will crash,
my drive for life, for sex, for anything that is beneficial will soften and will become numb.
 
I will no longer walk with certainty and ease.
I will no longer make eye contact in peace and love.
I will no longer feel myself interwoven with all that is and can be.
I will no longer feel the tingle, the throb of the desire.
And I will most certainly not have a genital orgasm.
Or an orgasm of the heart.
 
No I will walk in the land of the uncertain.
And I will fear.
 
SO why the f-ck would I ever let go of my orgasm?
 
I have lost it before.
And I occasionally loose it here and there.
It feel’s horrible to have this happen.
 
But when I do.
I come into the realization that in order for me to fully understand, appreciate and know my life of orgasm,
I must experience for a time frame here and there the polarities that life offers us.
 
Through these polarities,
through challenges and loss,
through feeling a low vibe,
is how we gain desire and appreciation for something more.
 
It is how we learn what brings us into orgasm.
 
Then when we find ourselves spread open in the gasps of the divine,
when we bask in the joy of our surrender,
we can then fully reap the orgasm.
 
And this we shall.
As long as we remain here,
in this allowing state,
we can maintain the orgasm for an eternity.
 
As long as we do not question the how?
As long as we do not examine and define the challenges,
but instead just move through them in grace and ease with no resistance,
then we will not be harmed by them,
but instead remain in joy and orgasm with our lives.
 
Remaining aligned to our soul.
And interwoven with all of the universe.
 
Here we can have all our desires.
Here we can enjoy the banquet table,
and breathe deeply.
 
Because there is no question of our worth.
There is no question of who we are,
or who we “should” be.
 
No all that is there is love.
And through this state of conscious allowing,
and leaning into the things that feel good to our souls,
we are led.
 
It is these things that capture us.
And it is these things that make us thrive.
 
So where is your orgasm?
Mine is not between my legs alone.
Mine is every breath.
Every heart beat.
It is brought in through my thoughts and my feelings,
and the awareness of them keep me in the vibe of my life orgasm.

 

What does your vibe say about your Orgasm?

 

As always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

 
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Allowing Your ORGASM.

Orgasm.
I love a good orgasm.
I crave a good orgasm.
I need so desperately a good orgasm.

How about you?

Lately I have been challenged though with orgasm.
And I am noticing that it is increasingly becoming more and more difficult for me to drop down and open up to ORGASM.

I find myself with my lover,
attempting to open up,
attempting to receive,
attempting to lean more in to all that he is offering me.

I know that my pleasure increases his pleasure.
I know that it is not his responsibility to get me to orgasm.

The reality is that ONLY I can give myself an orgasm.
I do not say this as to say that only I can “rub one out.”
No I mean that only I can give myself an orgasm by allowing it to happen.

So why am I preventing myself from this pleasure?
Why am I limiting my experience?

Fear.
An Issue with Worthiness.
An Issue with Trust.
An Issue with Self- Love and thus love in itself and even toward my partner.

Here is the reality of why one does not open to ORGASM.

Instead I find myself,
laying there closed off in frustration.

I find myself craving more,
but not asking for what I need or want in the moment.

I find myself not speaking about it in general.
I find myself a prisoner in my mind during sex.
Disconnected from my body,
disconnected from my sex.

Instead of spreading my whole being more open,
Instead of saying, “Hey, I need this touch… or this position.. or this time…this kiss.” I say nothing and go into analyzation of the mechanics of what is happening, of what is wrong with me, of a technique or I just find myself drifting off into some other place that is non sexy in my mind and getting lost there until a nerve is teased and brings me back to my body for a second.

Pretty disappointing.
Especially because my partner is being present, loving, supportive, taking his time and really applying himself to my pleasure.

I see all of his greatness.
I just cannot feel it.

And this reality has NOTHING to do with him,
and everything to do with me.

So here I sit after a ton of good sexing,
with female blue balls. ( Yes that is a thing, us ladies get blue balls just like men. And we get bitchy as hell from it.)

I sit here after a bunch of good sexing,
frustrated, throbbing, achy, moody, disappointed in myself, tired and in fear.

Fear of sharing my truth.
Fear of what is going on with me inside my heart and mind.
I know my body is fine, my heart and mind though are struggling to open back up to love and connection and feel overwhelmed from all the stresses of life.
Fear of what my lover may think or feel if I share my truth.

With all of that shared, I KNOW the path I must take.
And if you are challenged with finding your ORGASM as well,
if you are experiencing a moment like what I am,
where you are having good sex,
with a good partner,
and you are enjoying the sex,
you just are NOT GETTING THERE.
You just DO NOT FEEL the release.
The CONNECTION.
The ORGASM.
But it is still good.

Then listen up!

Take it from someone who has been educating and coaching on SEX and ORGASM for the last decade and can be multi- orgasmic.

If you are feeling non-orgasmic and wonder will I ever get through this?

If you are questioning what is wrong with me?

You can get through it.
You can access your “O”
You can feel again.

The steps to pleasure are not about a better stroke.
Are not about deeper penetration.
Are not about more sex.

What you have to do is simple but not easy.

LET GO.
OPEN UP YOUR HEART.
GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

Stop focusing on the mechanics of sex.
Sex for us women is so very much more than mechanics.
We will NEVER access true orgasm if we are just focusing in on our genitals and the mechanics.

ORGASM is not about the “in and out”

It is about the CONNECTION.
First to self.
Then to partner.

It is a meditation.
It requires us to let go of our fears, our concerns,
our thoughts about everything else.

And JUST BECOME ONE
with our PUSSY.

As we open our hearts and soul in our sex,
we open our pussy’s ability to feel more,
to experience more.

This WILL REQUIRE our love of self,
and our understanding that we are WORTHY of pleasure and of LOVE.

We must support our ORGASM by asking for what we need.
By guiding in love our partners hands, mouths, cocks and attention.

We cannot just LAY THERE.
No.
If you craving ORGASM the way that I am, then you have to COMMIT to CLAIMING IT.

You have to ASK for IT.
DEMAND IT.

Therefore it is high time BABY,
that you speak up.
Show if you have too.
Try new things.
Get PLAYFUL.
OPEN YOURSELF.

Stop beating yourself up for not having an ORGASM.
For feeling like a shitting partner, because you cannot achieve what you and your partner both want for you,

but instead OPEN to it.

IT IS TIME YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
KNOW YOU ARE WORTH IT.

WORTH IT ALL!

No one else can do this for you.
No one else can get you to open up.
To receive.
To ORGASM.

And here is just one more reality ladies,
When you finally open to the “O” between your legs,
and it comes from your core, not the mechanics of sex.

You will be on the path to EMBRACING YOUR LIFE “O”
as well.

You will start to tap into ALL OF YOUR beautiful abundance.
You will STEP INTO YOUR POWER.

Your Goddess.
She awaits you.
She is you.

“The Goddess between my legs, makes mouths water.” – Rupi Kaur

May your rivers flow endlessly.

And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

Ode to My Greatest Lover

I wake.
I open myself.
I breathe in deeper.
I feel my fear of this expansion,
of this birthing,
This quaking of my soul as it rattles the cage that it has lived in so long.
My back arches as though my being in is orgasmic rapture,
my hips feel tense and my pussy quivers, tightening, squeezing, releasing.
My heart beats faster and then holds its emotion,
as to not let it escape,
the tears want to be released,
stream down my cheeks and be tasted by my lips.
My lips long to be devoured,
seduced by my lover.
My hands burn,
tremble and shake.
My breath is deep in this moment as I try and relax myself,
Relax from this expansion,
this birthing,
this quaking of my soul.
The cage that once held me so tight,
its bars are no more.
The walls that sheltered me and contained me,
have vanished.
There is nothing.
Nothing more of the me that I have been till now.
I am almost non existent and yet everything.
It is terrifying and brilliant.
I know that I am waking,
that I am becoming,
more.
It is all that I need,
all that I crave,
all that I am.
I am this rapture.
My body opens more,
ready to receive the deepest of penetration,
hungry and wet,
waiting for the teasing touch of my lover in this instant,
My lips full of pulsing blood, my muscles tingle and long for the sensation of being taken,
taken into this climax.
Taken into this rapture.
My soul know’s,
it know’s that there is no escape,
there is no refuge,
this will be orgasmically painful,
and will envelope me.
This will carry me to the greatest of heights,
where I will not be able to move,
I will only be carried.
Carried into the light.
Carried into the joy.
Carried into the bliss.
Carried into the orgasm.
Here, here I will meet my lover.
Here I will wake,
here in the arms of the one that holds me.
Here in the embrace,
I will be penetrated.
Deeper.
Deeper.
And when I feel I can go no further,
when I feel that I have nothing more to give,
nothing more to offer,
when I am exasperated and breathless,
when I am certain that the climax is over,
Deeper.
Deeper.
Till I can not deny.
I cannot hold back any longer.
Where my only option is to surrender.
Where I will become.
The rapture.
My legs open wider,
my knee’s tremble,
deep within my womb there is a fire,
there is creation,
there is a calling.
There is a earning.
Juices are flowing,
I am wet with desire.
I am wet with hunger.
I am salivating…
My lover.
Takes me.
Deeper.
Deeper.
I feel I am too much,
Can I be held if I am too much?
Can I be accepted if I am too much?
Will I frighten my lover?
Will my chaotic, crazy, passion devour him?
 
Yes.
Yes it will devour.
It will eat him up.
He will come to me,
I will drink from him,
I will inhale his essence,
I will absorb his breath.
He will seize to exist,
he will be everything.
And nothing.
This rapture,
This climax.
I sit in it,
fearful.
Intent.
Full.
Hungry.
Here I sit.
In bliss.
Knowing that this is the rapture of my soul.
This is the knowing,
the meeting,
of me.
My lover, he has always been there.
He will NEVER leave.
He is there,
penetrating me.
Deeper.Deeper.
Until I can come no more.
Until my juices have flooded my world,
washed me clean,
and carried him away.
Here,
I wake.
I open myself.
I breathe in deeper.
I feel my fear of this expansion,
of this birthing,
This quaking of my soul as it rattles the cage that it has lived in so long.
I release.
I come.
I surrender.
In the arms of my lover.
In the arms of God.
I can fly.
 

As always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

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Mother F*cker Messed Up My Orgasm.

 
I sit here this morning not wanting to open up my text thread with my ex.
The negativity,
the control,
the anger that comes from it,
and that I feel inside just at reading the last words on the thread.
 
“Really?”
 
I already know the tone.
The comments and commands.
I feel disgust at this thread.
 
Late last night I saw his final words,
they hit me like lead in my gut,
Sorrow,
Distrust,
Bitterness,
Anger.
 
It is all here.
Stepping away from an enviroment,
a relationship for a few weeks or months
 

“Really”

 
does show you a person’s truth.
While in the relationship we make excuses,
get caught up in the day to day,
and simply just don’t want change.
We don’t want to have a relationship fail.
We want to make it work.
We want to be accepted, loved and connected.
Even at the cost of our well-being,
Our happiness,
Joy,
Health and freedom.
 
SO we ignore,
hide, ‘cover that shit up and act like it is not there.
 
Truth never stays hidden forever though.
A person’s true color’s ALWAYS come out.
And in my saga, the color’s are not so pretty in this relationship.
 
The truth of the reality is that I masked from myself my partners need to control and dominate. I knew he was an alpha personality walking in, and loved that about him. His strength and ability to hold boundaries was attractive. His assertiveness and masculine power was what I needed and desired. I needed the security of this. I needed the foundation of this. I also loved his calm, cool, collected stance. I loved his seemingly open mindedness and playfulness. He offered what I needed in the moment.
 
It was a season.
There was a reason.
 
Now those were gone.
Now I am left with the flip side.
The control freak, the aggressor, the one who when he does not get his way acts like a 3 year old and retracts himself, his love and says, ” I hate you.” Takes his ball and goes home.
 
Now I am left with his need to try and control me through our children. I wonder if he even notices it, if he is aware of his pattern’s, his actions or if he is just playing the role that is comfortable to him and feel’s safe.
 
Now I am left with the residue of his energy as it wafts through the text message, the facetime, the phone calls and emails.
 
Now I am left with him just ignoring anything he does not want to discuss because of the discomfort and his knowing that it will be emotional and I will speak my truth and he can do nothing to stop it.
 
Now I am left with him proving what his priorities are.
His bottom line is focused on his bank account and not on relationship.
His priority is to pretend that none of his actions had anything to do with anything.
His priority is to run and hide behind his masks, not seeing that he is turning into his worst nightmare. The people he always claimed he did not want to be like he is now mimicking them. He is now becoming the one’s that have since passed and he is honoring the patterns that they taught him as a little boy. He is now honoring a closed heart, a barren soul, a disconnected life.
 
In his desire to control, he does nothing more than share his rage and hatred. His fear.
 

But none of this is reason for him to steal my orgasm.

 
No, that is on me.
 
But I want to cast blame onto him.
I want to point the finger and say he did this to me.
 
Yes, this morning I sit here not wanting to open this thread of text messages between us because I feel all of it.
 
Last night, I did not open it in hopes to avoid it.
I wanted to avoid the negativity of his control.
I wanted to avoid looking at him on facetime with our nightly call for our kids.
I wanted to just not feel him for just one night, one day.
I wanted the freedom that flickers through my days.
I wanted to breathe.
 
But that last statement attached itself to me,
the thread just lingered and my ego ran and played with it.
 

“Really?”

He was inquiring why I had not answered I am sure,
he was frustrated that in his grand attempt to contact everyone in my home to get me to contact him had not worked,
he was upset that he could not control the situation and that I had made a stance to just say no.
 
Our children had not asked to speak to him so I felt no guilt in not speaking tonight.
 
We were busy having fun, connecting and laughing.
We were snuggling.
So why wreck a good moment.
A good memory for his desire to control?
 
Yes, this is the question of the morning.
Why allow him to steal it?
I held firm for my children.
For that moment.
But then I allowed that word, that thread to infiltrate my soul.
I allowed it to poke at me.
And I allowed it to steal the depth of orgasm that I was offered in the night hours with my lover.
 
I pushed myself to open,
I felt pain from doing this.
I shut myself in fear,
fear I would reveal to much.
I got captured by that damn text thread,
over and over again.
 
Into my head,
out of my body.
Away from my deep orgasm.
Keeping it surface.
All the while desiring what I had just tasted 24 hours before.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

F-*-C-K!!!!!!

 
I allowed him to.
Just like I allowed him to control to much of my life in our relationship. Just like I allowed him the power to act the way he did. Just like I allowed myself to stay,
to stay in the enviroment that was not conducive to my purpose,
my heart, my life.
 
YES
 
That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.
But I made the choice to not release,
to breathe in.
To hold him and his energy
instead of leaning in to my lovers thrusts of passion,
my lovers presence,
my bliss.
 
He only messed it up because I allowed it.
And this morning, I sit here witnessing my ego, my pain, my rage, my holding.
 
Here I sit with my body breaking down.
My body screaming at me, “STOP! – Let that shit go!”
 
Here I sit, witnessing that he not only physically hurt me,
controlled me in ways that I was not aware of,
hid his truth from me,
Held anger toward me and lied to my face about it,
He not only did not love me and may have never,
but he continued to punch me in the heart.
He was willing to try and dominate my life,
the children’s life,
through textbook tactics of an abuser.
 
It is shocking to me.
It is on going.
It is healing to see things from this vantage point.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

And I am in gratitude for it.

 
Thank you Mother F*cker for being you and showing me my strength.
Thank you Mother F*cker for showing who you really are so that I could claim whom I am more.
Thank you Mother F*cker for the season, the reason and the blessings that we shared.
Thank you Mother F*cker for coming into my life and being EXACTLY what I needed.
 
With out you, I would not be me.
Empowered.
Guided.
Desiring more.
Certain.
 
Thank you for supporting my determination and drive.
Thank you for your disconnect to your emotions and heart, and showing what that does to a human, to a relationship, to a life and making me aware of where I meet you there and that…
 
I CHOOSE.
I choose to STOP meeting you there.
I choose instead to open up my heart.
To feel my emotions.
To forgive.
To heal.
To laugh.
To connect.
 

I choose to LIVE.

Unbound, free and on purpose.

 
Cut loose from the chains that you tried to hold me with.
Cut loose from the chains that I held myself with.
Cut loose from the fear.
 
YES
I choose.
I choose to…
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

My monkey’s tried to get me laid.

🙊🙉🤭😈 My monkey’s tried to get me laid. 🔥🔥🙊☺️
Only in my world of crazy does this sort of stuff happen.
Only in my world is it allowed,
Embraced and accepted.
 
In truth, It was a day of frustration, what started out to be a productive, good feeling day quickly shifted gears to frustration and overwhelm. Not only was I just in pain physically from pushing my healing body to do more than what it most likely should have, I was also pushing myself emotionally to work through boxes of old energy from my marriage of 20 years and then my next relationship of almost 7 years.
 
Sorting and cleaning a garage full of memories can have its fair share of painful moments.
 
Really dredging up the past and forcing yourself to let go.
See the truth that you once lived,
and embrace your moment now.
 
This was my Monday.
All because the universe proclaimed that my internet wire would get cut from the yard guy and I would be out of online commission until it was repaired. So, I did the next best thing….
 
Was proactive and started sorting, cleaning and putting my house together.
 
After a long and full day of multiple emotions rising to be siphoned through, I was exhausted, smelly 😱 and just wanting to rest, have a glass of wine or maybe something harder, get my munchkins down for bed and yes…
 

Yes,

I wanted a good orgasm.

 
Lucky for me I had this last part already in the works by inviting my lover over for dinner.
 
And planned on having myself and him for desert. 🔥😜🔥🔥
 
Everything was taking longer, except for what I was wanting to take a long time and that was the nakedness in my bed. But no, instead I was blessed with bedtime item’s and simmering down of little one’s taking MUCH longer than wanted, especially since I sat there, needing to pee, needing to shower, and just wanting to relax in my lovers arms.
 
Instead I was blessed with laughter coming from the other room, where my elder children, my friends and my lover enjoyed themselves and joked, connected and made light in the evening hours while I snuggled down my munchkins, smelt my stench and craved to just let go.
 
Breathing in the moment. I felt my ego on the cusp of just screaming.
 
My 21 year old daughter came and offered to help me, I shot her down, and offered her a not very well disguised guilt trip on poor mom’s mood.
 
My friend came and offered to help, I shot her down and offered another ego based comment, sharing that I had it all under control and that it was F-I-N-E.
 
I heard myself saying this bullsh*t,
I wanted the saving,
I wanted the connection,
The help.
I wanted to effing shower!
I wanted to get these babies down so I could laugh,
enjoy my evening some,
get out of my head and into my body,
and get to what I was really craving.
The orgasm between my sheets.
 
But I denied myself the opportunity to have it sooner than I could receive it.
 
I denied my family and friends the opportunity to help me,
to support me.
 
Instead I wanted to sit in my disgust just a little bit longer.
I was punishing myself,
for something I was not even conscious of.
I felt shame.
I felt rage.
I felt depression.

I felt like a total f*ck up to life.

 
I held my son on my lap as he wiggled and fought sleep,
looking at him and wondering how I could have been so stupid to let myself get caught up in yet another bad relationship with a man who claimed all this and that and in a moments notice could shut out everything, everyone and just walk away. In gratitude for the lives of my children, the reasons, the blessings from my relationship, I could smile but in my heart I felt all of this…
 
And I felt shame.
I felt guilt.
I felt lost.
 
So I punished myself in this moment.
I denied support, love, help and orgasm.
I denied God from helping me achieve my goals.
 
My monkey’s on the other hand refused to listen to my ego.
They refused to let me sink to far.
They refused to let mom crash,
my friends were on board with the plan,
my lover was of course on board…lol
 
My monkey’s decided that it was time for me to take care of me and to go after what I not just wanted but NEEDED.
 
So my daughter’s came in and told me to go shower, to get clean, that they had their little brother’s.
A friend got me drink.
My lover provided a smile and sparkling eye’s with a clear intent.
 
I showered.
I shaved. (because that is what girl’s do when they are needing and wanting certain event’s 😈)
 
Clean,
refreshed,
ready,
lighter in spirit,
I emerged.
My little one’s asleep.
Laughter filled my dinning room,
I was now part of it.
I was fully there.
Sharing,
Connecting,
De-Shaming.
 
My monkey’s tried to get me laid.🙊🙊😜😜🙏
They made a plan.
They figured out who was taking over for night time child care,
who would sleep where, so that mom would not have to worry about children. They discussed it, argued about it and laughed.
 
At the end of it,
My monkey’s tried to get me laid,
and were successful.
 
They created the space for mom to go,
Be,
Do,
Have.
 
What I wanted and NEEDED.
With No Shame.
With No Guilt.
In Truth.
In Harmony.
In Love.
 
They knew how badly I needed to just be able to drop down and connect to my lover,
to myself,
to my orgasm.
 
They supported my well being.
 
My monkey’s.
My circus.
My crazy world.
My family tribe.
 
No Shame.
Only Open, Unconditional.
Love.
 
#lovemygrownassbabies
#fuckyeslife
#shamefree
 

And as always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Faith To Be F*cked Wide Open

Sadness.

Joy.

Amazement.

Surrender.

I shudder at the thought of the release.

Where will I go from here?

Whom will I become?

My heart is holding so much, I can barely withstand the sensations some days as my mind wonders and I lose myself in thought. The images of times gone past that I long to repeat. I long to hold close to me, knowing that I must let them go. They are no longer my reality. They taught me a deeper level of who I am and who I want to be, but they are no longer with me. Just like I am no longer the person I was yesterday, those realities are no longer here. Life teaches us that you can hold on to nothing. You take nothing with you.

Not into the afterlife, not into the next moment.

Not truly that is.

Sure, we can move forward with all this material stuff. We bring with us, sentimental things as we call the items that we fear to let go of, because we are scared that if we let go of the physical items that somehow our memories will part with them. We carry with us the valuables, those things that we believe that will cost us to much replace or inconvenience us somehow. In truth even these items bear with them some form of attachment to our past realities.

We hold on.

We hold on with all the strength and logic that we can muster.

We hold on with all the ego that we can pretend to ignore.

We hold on with a hope that the realities of yesterday that we loved so much and lost, will come back to us in some magical fashion.

Fearing that they will never.

Knowing that they will never.

Yet we hold on.

Orphans to our past, strangers to our future.

We feel lost in this new paradigm, where we know not what direction to turn, where we feel every choice is wrong. Stepping forward on a path that we have not ever been and that we can not see before us.

Faith.

Faith is all that we need in this time. We know this. We claim to understand it.

It is what all the saints, enlightened ones and masters have told us for thousands of years to lean on. Faith is the key to,

Overcoming our sadness,

Finding our joy,

Awakening to our amazement,

Surrendering to God.

Jesus said all we need is the faith of a mustard seed.

Mustard seeds are effing small.

Have you ever seen a mustard seed?

They are small little brown seeds, one tenth the size of a pea.

That is all the faith we need to move a mountain Jesus claimed. So how do we do this?

My mountains are here before me and they do not appear to be moving, they are steady and strong. Their paths are treacherous and carry with them many changes, much exhaustion, ravenous wolves flock on the paths and chase me, the nights are cold, and the cliffs are steep. The crest that I long to reach is so far before me I cannot not see it.

I cannot picture it.

My map is smudged.

It is written in a language I cannot speak.

I am lost.

I cannot be lost though.

God is guiding me.

This is the pilgrimage of my soul.

The discovery of the me I have longed to meet so many lifetimes ago. Here I am.

Finally, I am meeting me.

I am meeting my soul.

My faith.

Faith of a mustard seed, but faith still. Just like Jesus said, it is all we need. And so that is what I will lean on. The trust that my faith is strong enough to conquer this mountain. Faith enough to meet myself on this pilgrimage and not run from my shadows, not run from my desires, not run from my heart but instead embrace myself.

I need embraced.

My arms are open wide.

My body is ready to receive.

To be penetrated and made love too.

I am ready to surrender.

Here I am in the arms of faith, waiting to be carried on the path,

I long to be carried to my highest point, where I touch the clouds, see the sun beams dancing on snow covered tips of mountains around me. I desire to feel the crisp cool air of a new life that awaits. To breathe it in and allow it to fill me.

Restore me.

Recover my soul.

Faith.

All we need is a little faith.

Faith in me.

Faith in God.

Faith in these shaky leg’s that they will carry me.

Tears may stream down my cheeks, my heart may race, my hand tremble,

Deep down I feel the presence that I crave.

I feel the presence of a Great lover,

It is no lover like I have ever experienced,

It is not a connection of two bodies,

It is not material, physical or superficial.

It is the penetration of my soul.

It is the lover who has always carried me over the thresholds of my existence.

Lifetime after lifetime, this lover is with me.

This lover never leaves me.

This lover is forever f*cking me wide open,

Deeper, softer, harder, longer.

This lover knows me inside and out and devours me.

Drinks in my orgasm as his own.

The rapture he offers me is more than I can share in words.

It is more than my physical body can take in.

It is bliss.

Yes, faith.

All we need is the faith of a mustard seed.

And we can open to a level of our soul,

Revealed in the arms of the greatest lover of our lives.

We can drop our guards and we can surrender.

Here, here is our life.

Our true life.

Sadness.

Joy.

Amazement.

Surrender.

I shudder at the thought of the release.

Where will I go from here?

Whom will I become?

 

 

It is up to me whom I become.

With every breath I breathe me in a little more.

With every stroke of my great lover, I feel me a little bit more.

With every, gaze into the greatness of this life, I see my life unfold.

And I smile.

I smile at the mystery,

At the joy,

At the lessons,

At the tears,

At the rapture.

Open.

Trusting and full of faith.

I am no longer being carried,

I am flying.

Wings open wide.

And you can too.

 

Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

www.kendalwilliams.com

Orgasm Blame Game by Guest Author Addison Bell

It’s early evening when I receive the text, and I am relaxing outside and trying to get some work done. I see the name, and I am immediately intrigued because it is rare these days that I see this name on my phone screen. He wants to come over for a little while, and I know that he has plans beyond just chatting. I sit, staring at my phone for a few minutes, pondering my options. On the one hand, I know that I really need and desire some focused attention. On the other hand, I have some major emotional blocks with him right now and am still holding a traumatic event in my body. I have the choice to lean into the vulnerable here or to shut down and completely shut him out. I finally decide to step into vulnerability and see if I can allow my own opening with his help.

The evening begins alright, and he is even a little playful in our initial banter back and forth. Though he only spends a short amount of time focused solely on me and during this brief stint continues to tell me to relax. As soon as he enters me, we begin to fight as he starts to tell me that it’s my fault I’m not orgasming. He yells at me that I’m in my head. That I need to try this fantasy or that fantasy. My emotions rise as he blames me for the lack of feeling, lack of pleasure, lack of connection at the moment. The second I mention that I’m struggling due to past events… he shuts down, throws himself backward and asks for a blow job. He’s given up on me. If I can’t throw my feelings, trauma, and body away to play the part, then he isn’t going to waste his time on me. He wants me to be a microwaveable porn star. And once again, I feel more trauma and hold back. I’m pissed! I leaned in here, and now I’m angry with myself because I feel like I should’ve known better. I’m left feeling more disconnected, used, and in the end, broken as I welcome my Ego in to play for a little while.

Is my orgasm my responsibility? Yes. It is my job to connect with my body. To push past the blockages and truly feel into things. A woman that is unwilling to allow her orgasm will not be able to get to that place of bliss she is desiring and that is imperative for her body as a whole. Though a woman also needs a man’s presence and his ability to hold space. She can’t do it by herself. A woman requires focused attention, time, and understanding of her process.

We don’t surrender to that needed physical level all by ourselves. We need the strong masculine to hold space.

Fighting with your woman in the middle of sex about her lack of orgasm is not holding space. Telling your woman that it is her fault that she isn’t able to orgasm isn’t going to get to the bottom of any orgasm dilemmas. In all honesty, this type of energy, questioning, and blaming will only consistently move your woman further and further from tapping into her orgasm and continue to drive a wedge into the relationship.

Men, if your woman isn’t orgasming, then you need to be looking at yourself in the mirror. I know this could be a hard statement to swallow, but it’s true. That’s not saying you need to blame yourself, but you do need to look at how you are approaching your woman, the truth of the relationship dynamics, and if you are truly giving her the time and space to work into her true feminine energy and allowing this flow. Are you able and willing to have the hard emotional conversations to step into the difficulties in the relationship, and if that is not the problem, then can you hold space while your woman is doing her own work to really tap in? Sometimes, even more importantly, are you listening?

In the above scenario, I was telling my lover that I was not interested in several fantasies that he was presenting to me. He chose to instead fight with me about his perception of my arousal and that I was denying myself instead of listening to my consistent verbalizations over several different experiences. I was sharing from my heart that although I love adventure and play in my sexing that, right now, in the current living space, that I needed a very simple and straightforward connection in my sexing. My lover refused to acknowledge again and again the fact that it was the relationship and severe boundary crossing that was causing my hold back. He didn’t want to hear it, to step into the emotion, and instead chose to shut down. FYI, this is not the divine masculine at work… these types of reactions are the reactions of a man that never grew into his manhood. If you are a man, are you doing any of these things with your relationship?

In my practice, I strive to have guys tap into their divine masculine because, then, they will be able to tap deeper into themselves, but also deeper into their woman. As soon as you can tap deeper into your woman, then she can then guide you to a thus even deeper level of yourself that only comes from the divine feminine.

What needs to be understood about female orgasm is that if she does not feel safe emotionally and physically, then she isn’t going to open up. You may think your woman feels safe physically, but physical safety goes deeper than most people think. Have you ever entered her prematurely and caused pain? Have you ever not listened to her safe word? Have you ever used her pussy as Prozac? Then there could be some physical trust that needs to be worked on because if any of the above has happened, then a woman needs to re-learn physical safety in your lovemaking.

From an emotional safety perspective, your woman needs to feel she is able to open up in and out of the bedroom without fearing your reaction… this includes the reaction of complete shutdown. A shutdown man is just as emotionally traumatizing to a woman as a man that is screaming in rage. It is not safe! Emotional safety in the bedroom is allowing her to have her experience and express her experience. It is not you telling her what her experience is… that is actually manipulation and going to create emotional detachment in the relationship and possibly within herself.

Want a woman to lose connection to her orgasm? Continually tell her she is experiencing something she is not or that her perception of her experience is wrong. Again, we come back to listen to your woman. Inquiry is one thing, but let’s remember gentlemen that you have no idea what she is experiencing. You cannot tell another human being what is happening in their mind or body.

Although it is her responsibility to lean into her orgasm, and to do her personal work, it is YOUR responsibility to earn her orgasm. Earn her by being trustworthy, supportive, and emotionally present. It is not a blame game! It is a connection and opening game that must be played TOGETHER!

If you are a woman and want to learn to step deeper into your orgasm then check out the life-changing Instantly Orgasmic Woman Recorded Global Workshop to increase your pleasure, connection, and BLISS!

Orgasms and Nerves

What happens in the brain during an orgasm?

Without nerves sending impulses back to the spinal cord and brain, an orgasm wouldn’t be possible. Just like any other area of the body, the genitalia contain different nerves that send information to the brain to tell it about the sensation that’s being experienced. This helps to explain why the sensations are perceived differently depending on where someone is being touched. A clitoral orgasm, for example, differs from a vaginal orgasm because different sets of nerves are involved.

Pleasure Center of the Brain: Light It Up

You may have heard that the brain has a pleasure center that lets us know when something is enjoyable and reinforces the desire for us to perform the same pleasurable action again. This is also called the reward circuit, which includes all kinds of pleasure, from sex to laughter to certain types of drug use. Some of the brain areas impacted by pleasure include:

  • amygdala – regulates emotions
  • nucleus accumbens – controls the release of dopamine
  • ventral tegmental area (VTA) – actually releases the dopamine
  • cerebellum – controls muscle function
  • pituitary gland – releases beta-endorphins, which decrease pain; oxytocin, which increases feelings of trust; and vasopressin, which increases bonding

Although scientists have long been studying the pleasure center, there hadn’t been much research about how it relates to sexual pleasure, especially in women. In the late 1990s and the mid-2000s, a team of scientists at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands conducted several studies of both men and women to determine brain activity during sexual stimulation. The team used PET scans to illustrate the different areas of the brain that would light up and shut off during sexual activity. In all of the tests, the subjects were scanned while resting, while being sexually stimulated and while having an orgasm.

Interestingly, they discovered that there aren’t too many differences between men’s and women’s brains when it comes to sex. In both, the brain region behind the left eye, called the lateral orbitofrontal cortex, shuts down during orgasm. Janniko R. Georgiadis, one of the researchers, said, “It’s the seat of reason and behavioral control. But when you have an orgasm, you lose control” [source: LA Times]. Dr. Gert Holstege stated that the brain during an orgasm looks much like the brain of a person taking heroin. He stated that “95 percent is the same” [source: Science News].

There are some differences, however. When a woman has sex, a part of the brain stem called the periaqueductal gray (PAG) is activated. The PAG controls the “flight or fight” response. Women’s brains also showed decreased activity in the amygdala and hippocampus, which deal with fear and anxiety. The team theorized that these differences existed because women have more of a need to feel safe and relaxed in order to enjoy sex. In addition, the area of the cortex associated with pain was activated in women, which shows that there is a distinct connection between pain and pleasure.

The studies also showed that although women m­ay be able to fool their partners into thinking they’ve had an orgasm, their brains show the truth. When asked to fake an orgasm, the women’s brain activity increased in the cerebellum and other areas related to controlling movement. The scans didn’t show the same brain activity of a woman during an actual orgasm.

But what about people who can’t reach orgasm at all?

Neither Here Nor There: Anorgasmia and Non-genital Orgasms

I­n some cases, we know what causes anorgasmia (the inability to reach orgasm). Drugs like Celexa, Zoloft and Paxil — known as SSRIs, or selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors — are often used to treat depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses. Like most drugs, however, they can have side effects. For some people, this includes sexual ones, including anorgasmia. But why? SSRIs can decrease the brain’s production of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that provides pleasurable feelings and reinforces a person’s desire to once again perform the action that brought him or her pleasure. Sometimes the problem goes away on its own, or it can be resolved by switching to a different antidepressant or taking another drug in addition to the SSRI. However, a small number of people experience post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD) that lasts for days, weeks, months or even years after discontinuing use of an SSRI. The cause of this dysfunction isn’t understood, as stopping the SSRI allows dopamine production to return to normal.

The Dutch studies about orgasms (mentioned earlier), along with others, have also been the basis for continuing research in helping women who are anorgasmic. Dr. Barry Komisaruk at Rutgers University is currently studying women who are anorgasmic and women who are constantly aroused sexually but are unable to reach orgasm. The latter group of women were each put in an MRI scanner where they could see their brain activity on a monitor. Their brain scans showed that the brain thought they were in fact constantly being sexually stimulated. The women then used imagery and other neurofeedback exercises to calm their brains. Dr. Komisaruk believes that anorgasmic women could also learn to read and react to their brain activity to try to reach orgasm.

Perhaps more unusual-sounding than orgasmia is the concept of orgasms that have nothing to do with the genitalia at all. Some people can orgasm from being touched in other places on the body, such as the nipples. In this case, researchers believe that the sensations in the nipples are transmitted to the same areas of the brain that receive information from the genitals. However, people have also reported actually feeling orgasms in other parts of their bodies, including their hands and feet. Several people have even described having orgasms in limbs that were no longer there. One reason may be the layout of the cortical homunculus, a map that shows how different places of the brain’s sensory and motor cortices correspond to the organs and limbs of the body. A person who feels an orgasm in a phantom foot, for example, may have experienced a remapping of the senses because the foot is located next to the genitals in the homunculus. The foot is no longer there to provide sensation, so the area for genital sensation took over the space.

Although we now know more about how orgasms impact the brain than ever before, there’s still a lot that we don’t know. For example, scientists are still debating the evolutionary reason behind the female orgasm. But it’s probably safe to say that most people aren’t too concerned about the “why” — they’d prefer to focus on the whos, whats and whens of sex.

Original ARTICLE on How Stuff Works

Picture Credit: 3D4MEDICAL.COM/GETTY IMAGES