I have sex probably 25 to 40 times a month.
How about you?
Sounds like a lot?
What is your opinion.
Not that your opinion matters to my sex life,
but it may matter to your sex life.
And here is what you need to be considering on this Valentine’s day….
💃Why do I have sex?
💃Why do I say no to sex?
💃What is it that I am hoping to achieve from sex?
💃How does sex serve me in life?
Sex causes us humans a bunch of problems in relationship.
And the main reason for the issues that it stirs is that we are focused on the scarcity of the sex in our lives.
Most relationships today have at least one partner if not both wanting for more of something…
More time together without distraction.
And this desire for something and the concentration we put on the evidence that we do not have it is what causes us to keep not having it.
Not having as much or the kind that we are wanting for with any of the above.
This feeling of lack then leads us to searching for it elsewhere.
Now this does not always mean an affair in the sort of sexual or even emotional with another human being….
Now sometimes we fill the void that has emerged (and we keep there with our certainty of it being there) with such things as work, exercise, hobbies, worry, booze, illegal and legal substances, etc.
Yeah you can “cheat” on your partner with any of these things.
We just don’t always view it as cheating because it is not sex and it is not another human that is taking our primary focus away from our intimate relationship or partner,
but in truth it’s possibly worse to “cheat” with one of these things then an actual human being.
I mean at least with another human you gain the possibility of filling up that void to some degree, where these items will only mask the real issues and keep you empty from the nutrient that you are searching for.
(Now, I am not saying go cheat on your partner in any fashion… I am just bringing some things to light and why people cheat to begin with.)
You may be wondering why I am choosing to discuss affairs on Valentines Day….
Well, today happens to be one of the BIGGEST days of the year that couple’s lie to each other.
Over fifty percent of couple’s have at least one partner stepping out of the relationship in secret to get their intimate needs met.
Over fifty percent of marriages are sexless.
Over 70% of women have said that they have had on multiple accounts sex they did not want with their partner, and many of them count this act as a sort of rape.
Sexual disease is on the rise…. with monogamous couples 🤔
Yeah… I just said that… do the math….
Studies have been done in recent times showing that over 20% of children in monogamous relationships are not the fathers.
And the statistics list just keeps going on.
So we lie to our partners about our intimate needs and desires.
We coddle them so as to not hurt their feelings, taking responsibility and stealing their power from them by making these choices to not speak our needs and truths to the very people we claim to be best friends with.
To claim that we want to live our lives with,
that we fully trust…
well fully as long as that mean’s that we don’t have to be vulnerable about sex to them.
That is pushing the envelope a tad bit too much.
So we refrain and lie.
Sex causes us humans a bunch of issues.
We are scared of our sex.
We are ashamed of it.
We even hate on it and don’t trust ourselves or our partners with it.
But we sure want more of it and are focused on not having enough of it, are we not?
It is beacuse sex equals:
👉 Makes us feel worthy – it affirms that we are worthy of someone else’s attention and feeling good.
👉Makes us feel lovable – it is evidence that our partner loves us.
👉Makes us feel desired – if our partner gives us sex then that means they want us.
👉Makes us feel happy – if we have an orgasm/climax then chemicals are released that help us to feel less stress and happy
I have heard many a man say, “Sex makes me feel powerful and that I am a man!”
I have heard a lot of women say, “Sex makes me feel used and that it is my duty.”
Do you see it?
I hope so.
And here is where sex causes us relationship issues at an even deeper level.
Here is where bitterness, resentment and anger,
as well as traum get stored up.
And where other problems ( such as the one’s at the beginning of this musing) get their roots for.
A sexless marriage did not start that way.
It became that way for this reason here above.
Partners are using each other to make themselves feel something that they have not emotionally mature enough to find withinside themselves,
and so they search outside of themselves and when it is given and then taken away,
it creates a sexual codependency.
And their very “worthiness” is rooted in their partners willingness to have sex with them.
In reverse, many partners fear stating their truth from early on because of the highly normal fear of abandonment or need of their mate in some fashion for survival.
So, at the end of the day when the truth is not spoken but is heard in the core of each, you find one if not both partners smiling, telling a lie and finding their fulfillment outside of their relationship.
Is there hope?
Is the answer having more sex or no sex with you rmate?
Yes there is hope.
If both partners are dedicated to the relationship and want healing for self first and relationship second,
then they can work toward a solution and happy intimacy path.
Is more or no sex the answer?
Forced sex on either spectrum is never going to be healing or supportive of the relationship.Getting in your truth and working together in compassion and love is the path to wher eyou want to get.
Changing your focus from scarcity and fear to love and appreciation can move mountains.
Want to learn more about stratigies to overcome affairs, build authentic communication and reelating and heal your sex life?
Reach out to me today to learn about coaching opportunities that can support you in love, sex and life.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”
*photography credit to Photography In Wonderland
You can’t jump right in!
You have to make her feel you
You have to slowly earn her trust
You have to stroke her heart until she opens
And when you think she is open and you have found your way in… keep going because you’re not even halfway there.
There are a million barriers and blocks that are still in place and your ability to hold her in every sense of the word, earn her true trust, and expand her heart are the only way past these walls.
You think that because you’ve had her body that you have her heart. You are a fool.
You haven’t even tasted a drop of her sexual depth and you won’t until you hold her…
I mean really hold her!
Stand in the heat of her fire and don’t run
You spout pretty words but these words mean nothing to a heart that has heard them before. The feminine doesn’t want your false promises. The feminine wants your presence, your truth, and to be explored in all ways.
You MUST keep the dance going.
You MUST keep diving deeper
You MUST throw her into ecstatic bliss outside of the bedroom as much as inside the bedroom.
You say you want her…. prove it.
You say you desire her… show it.
You say you hunger for her depth… then stop being lazy AF with her heart!
You can’t just walk into a woman’s world and expect her to give herself to you. The beauty of a woman is also her complexity. There are so many layers and they won’t be shown to you until you have proven yourself trustworthy to be shown these depths. And then…. SURPRISE!!! You will find more depths to be explored.
Let me share a quick story.
I was with a man that I had known lightly at an intimate level. In all honesty, we didn’t know each other at any great depth but the energy was intriguing and so we explored.
Though in conversation one day he told me he wanted me to share the depths with him of things that had been going on… to trust him, to rip my heart open for him, to see behind my walls.
I got PISSED!!! Yes, I was severely angry at this moment.
How DARE he ask this of me!!!
He hadn’t done a bit of work to earn my heart.
What made him think he was worthy of my trust when there was no stroking at all.
He wanted to “Dry F*ck” my emotions.
No thank you!
That doesn’t sound pleasant.
So I could be left sore, bleeding, and damaged on the ground when he walked away for months not to speak to me again?
He spoke beautiful words
He was amazingly attractive
He was seductive in his touch
He was playful
But I wasn’t into games with my heart
And he didn’t put the effort in of truly stroking my depth
Allowing the true awakening of my arousal.
And if you drop a woman… you close her off even deeper and put your own barriers in the way.
This isn’t about sex… a woman can give you sex. We can easily go in and have what appears to be amazing sex but it’s only the tip of the iceberg of what you could have.
If you want her and I mean really and truly want her…
You have to be willing to go all in.
You have to take the time to open her up.
And I promise you that when you think she is opened to you, that there is more to still be explored.
And the second you stop exploring is the second you will be locked out of heaven!
Go explore your woman’s depth and I promise you will find your depth.
But unless you want to release her fire towards you…
Don’t expect or demand a depth you have not earned.
Yes, you have to earn it!
Sending you all …
Love, Light & Blessings,
He wants my surrender.
I can feel it at my greatest depths.
He wants me fully.
Open and inviting to his everything.
He wants my surrender,
and he is willing to work for it.
He is willing to take the journey into the depths of my being,
where he will uncover my hidden treasures,
which I fear may seem like dragons,
yet he assures me in his holding,
that he does not want to slay my dragons,
he only want to bask in their beauty,
he wants to sit with them in moments of stillness,
and he wants to just take them in.
He wants to see their beauty,
that beauty that only a deep understanding of love can handle,
that beauty that is so revealing of the soul.
Most are not strong enough within themselves to face this beauty,
Most fear being devoured by it.
What they begin in the courting process admiring from a afar,
they end with wanting to own and control.
Because it scares them.
It is wild,
it is fierce,
it is powerful beyond measure,
and desires to conquer the hearts of its admirers.
Few are able to hold themselves,
within the presence of this beast.
But, every now and then,
a gentleman comes about,
makes himself known,
and smiles in the presence of the magic he has found in caverns of the goddess.
And this gentleman,
ignites the goddesses soul.
Sets it on fire.
And she desires to dance for him.
She desires to open herself for him,
and let him in.
Yet she is scared beyond measure,
her past tells of beautiful love saga’s,
intense love and loss.
She is fearful to become vulnerable with this man.
Because of the pain,
the pain that her heart will endure.
Yet she desires it all.
The love and depth,
are worth the pain.
Are worth the standing before her own dragon,
and smiling within its flames.
She know’s that this man,
is rare, and unique.
That he is one who can hold her fire.
At least for a time.
And she wants to surrender.
She craves the intimacy.
She craves the revealing.
She craves the integrity.
And the opening.
She leans in.
And she drops into his arms,
resting in his strength.
Resting in his admiration.
She let’s her emotions be seen.
and she opens a bit more.
This cavern is deep.
And she realizes,
that her dragon is not to be feared.
She now understands what this gentleman has known,
the fire of her dragon will not harm when lifted in love,
it will only light the way to more caverns for them to explore.
The depths of their souls.
And so she looks at the gentleman,
with tears streaming from her eye’s,
and she say’s yes to the opening.
They lay together, enwrapped in the moment,
and they smile.
Blessed be to all of you who read this and venture into the depths of the goddesses caverns with hearts on fire,
and souls ignited.
Be wise in your journey and know that the dragon is there to protect the goddess from those that are unworthy,
and there to guild those who are,
into her surrender.
Stop Existing & Start Living
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