IF YOU EVER LOVED ME.
If you ever loved me you would not let me hurt like this.
If you ever loved me you would rethink your actions.
If you ever loved me you would take the time to hear me.
If you ever loved me you would want to share.
If you ever loved me you would give me closure.
If you ever loved me you would make this all go away.
And so many other if you ever statements.
Boy, oh boy do I ever understand the pain of loss.
The pain of break up, divorce, seperation, being lied to and abandoned.
I understand how it feels when our worlds crash,
when our beautiful plans seize to exist,
and it all seems like it happens within a flash of time.
How can this other person who loves us,
or at least proclaimed that they did,
or at very least said that they cared,
just walk away?
How can they turn their backs to us and just keep on living their lives?
Don’t they care?
And so the story of love and loss goes on throughout all time.
And so our hearts expand and we are elated when those that we love are turned toward us,
and when they are no longer by our side we crash into pain and suffering. Feeling abandoned.
Feeling as though we spent all this time in a lie.
It just cannot be so.
It certainly is not fair or right,
and we don’t have it coming to us.
I mean how is it possible that this sort of thing could be of our own doing?
“THAT” other person made those decisions,
acted that way, said those things and lied to us,
after all. We would not bring this upon ourselves.
Well I can tell you this beautiful,
YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID BRING IT UPON YOURSELF.
One of two things happened.
Your vibe either went up past the other person or it crashed below them.
Either way it held there for a long enough period of time and was a great enough difference in frequency that the two of you were no longer in alignment and thus the relationship had to end.
So which direction did you go?
This is actually the important thing to question if you truly give a sh*t about your future and who you are.
If you love yourself that is.
And so many people just don’t.
Hope that this is not you though.
You can tell what direction you went by looking at your thoughts,
your feelings and your actions.
If you are the one who leveled up your frequency then this relationship transition will be pretty smooth and easy. You may be in pain, you may feel a tad lost, you may want closure even but at the end of the day you will recognize that the most loving this you can ever offer someone is space to expand, to be them and to have a beautiful life with or without you and in this case it means without you. That may be a stinger, but a high vibe soul will walk away in love and know that the lessons offered in that relationship were powerful, perfect and have helped them gain clarity in who they are and what they want. A high vibe soul will know that what they need to do now is turn their full attention to themselves and clearing out anything that no longer serves them from within.
A high vibe soul will be in appreciation and gratitude for the relationship and the break up.
Yep I said that.
Gratitude for the break up,
because they see its purpose.
However, a low vibe soul will flounder in pain, suffering and blame.
They will demand attention and stomp around like a three year old having a tantrum. They will act out in childish ways, trying to cause pain in hope of gaining attention from the one they lost. They will not be able to take responsibility for their part in the transition and they will feel as though they simply cannot move forward until the other person does this or that to clear things up for them.
They will focus on fear and they will want the other to feel pain as well.
They will not see the growth and opportunity that the transition brings with it, but instead see destruction and attack.
A low vibe soul cannot see past their own ego to find the love that was there in the relationship and still remains.
A low vibe soul is caught in their own inner hell where they will reside until they choose to view life differently and take responsibility for the events, thoughts and feelings that are all thiers. They will be destined to repeat the drama that they believe is happening to them over and over again, where they will mask themselves from their beauty, their core and alignment to God all in the concept that “it’s not fair.”
So you see beautiful,
It is very important that you know what direction you went in the transition. It says bundles as to where you are now and what you are manifesting for your future.
It shows just how much love you have for yourself and whether you understand how powerful you are.
Because you are powerful.
You co-created this transition for the purpose of becoming more of WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
No matter the direction you went ( up or down in frequency) this fact remains the same.
Now the only thing you need worry about is not if the other loved you, or still does, but if you love you enough to let go and thrive.
You are so f-cking worthy of a F-ck Yes! Life.
It’s time that you recognize that and see that ALL relationships are here to elevate you, educate you and clarify what you want and who you really are.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to kick 2021 off with a high vibe and call in the relationship of your dreams? Meet your soulmate and know that you really got this? Message me for deet’s on what I have in store to make just this happen and more for YOU.
MY DADDY EARL JUST LOVES IT WHEN I PRAY, YA’LL.
I get down on my knees before him and he praises God at the sight of it. Every time he pops his lips I know exactly what he wants from me. I lick my lips and start to hum him the song of an angel.
I love how he gets so passionate at my hummin’.
Sometimes he will even grab a hold of my pigtails and shake full of the holy ghost moving through him. He tells me that when the holy ghost moves through him that it is his favorite thing and only my hummin’ can make it happen.
I love making him shake in spirit like that.
Makes me feel so good inside.
I went there.
If you missed my livestream on this then maybe you need to go explore it.
Or maybe not…
Not if you are a prude that is.
Please don’t, I do not want to hear it from you in that case or have you rolling your eyes at my crazy.
You know it was not that long ago that I would have freaked the
f-ck out about playing games like this with my lover.
I would have been too caught up in my own bullsh*t to have fun.
I would have believed that my partner would not like me if I pretended to play like this.
I mean sex is serious.
Relationships are serious.
LOL… not good sex and relationship.
Sure there is some seriousness in there, of course,
but if you are not laughing, finding yourself feeling youthful, full of desire and thirst for fun then I can tell you that your relationship and sex are getting ready to flatline if they have not already.
I have worked with so many hundreds of couples through the last decade as a relationship coach and the one thing that I am always sharing with them is how important PLAY is in the relationship.
Playfulness inside and outside of the bedroom or wherever you are doing the nasty at…
More than just dinner and a movie.
Get creative, learn something new together.
Get a little edgy, make your heart flutter like it was your first kiss all over again.
Do things that you typically would not think to be a date even.
Some of my favorite dates and sexual experiences did not cost a fortune. They did not take place in traditional ways.
But instead they revealed to me my lovers desire, joy, inner child and explorer. They created a space for each of us to explore ourselves and each other in ways that we had not yet.
One time I was told to meet my lover at a gas station. I did so and he filled up my car, then told me to drive next door and give my keys to the man at the detail shop. I did so. He followed me and picked me up there. I got into his car, he blind folded me, kissed me passionately and asked if I was ready for a little fun adventure.
I said yes.
He said okay we got 90 minutes.
Next thing I knew he handed me a glass of my favorite chardonnay in a togo wine glass. I took a few sips and he took it from me replacing it with some glass yoni eggs and told me to insert them and do some squeezes.
I did so.
Then he handed me a little bullet vibrator and told me to insert that.
And so I did.
There I sat, eggs vibrating in my vagina, wine back in hand, blindfolded in his car as he drove around a parking lot a bit to make sure I had no clue what direction we were headed next.
From there he took me to lunch.
He parked the car,
came around my side and got me out, blindfold still on.
Walked me into a busy restaurant and told me to walk up to the nice man at the register and tell her I wanted the special.
ANd so I took a deep breath and did so.
As I did this I could hear all the people passing me by, talking about what was going on, wondering what we were doing, snickering. I could feel their eyes even though I could not see them. I had to face myself.
I had to face my own ego at this moment.
My lover took my hand and arm and walked me to a table where he sat me down, got me some more wine, helped me sip it and then he proceeded to feed me lunch while I sat there helpless and blindfolded.
Once done he walked me back to the car,
got me buckled in and took me off to….
Dessert of course. 🙂
He parked again,
walked me into a cold and strange smelling place.
Told me to ask the nice man at the register for the special, and so I did.
The man handed me a waffle cone with my favorite ice cream in it.
My lover took me back to the car, got me buckled and drove around in circles some more.
The sun would hit me in the eye’s every now and then and I found myself wanting for the next moment of surprise.
Sure enough he stopped the car.
Got me out but before doing so, took my shoes off.
As I got out I found myself standing on something wet and cool, he asked if I knew where I was, but I did not.
Then I got back in the car.
From there he drove a distance, the road changed from paved to dirt. And he parked.
He came around and got me out of the car, still barefoot.
He walked me through some grass, up and over a wood bridge of some sort and into a closed in space that felt like it was out in the middle of a field. Here is bound my wrists, kissed me some more and began to touch me passionately.
Before I knew it he was laying me down on a blow up mattress that was out here in this building we were in.
He removed my clothes, kissed my body with hunger.
My excitement grew.
I was trying to figure out where we were,
I could feel a breeze by my feet and my head at the same time, yet I was in some enclosed structure. As I scooted up the bed some and he proceeded to go down on me, my bound arms lifted above my head to only find themselves in some bushes and grass right there.
Where was I?
He devoured me.
He made passionate primal love to me.
It was heated and intense.
Once done, he grabbed me, stood me up, dressed me, walked me back to his car, unbound me wrists but kept the blindfold on.
Got me in the car, handed me my wine and then we drove off.
Before I knew it he was parking.
He leaned in, kissed me, told me he loved me and hoped that I enjoyed our adventure as he took off my blindfold.
There I was parked behind my now detailed and fully cleaned and gassed up car.
90 minutes after the time I had dropped it off.
He wished me a great afternoon and got me my car keys.
To this day I do not know all the details of this adventure.
But what I do know is how much I loved it.
How I will cherish that moment in time forever.
How I accessed a deeper level of myself, of my sex and of that relationship in that moment.
It was vulnerable.
It was intimate.
It was connective.
It required trust on both sides.
It was playful and it brought us both great joy.
And what did it take?
Well we will never know because he ain’t tellin’
but what it ultimately took was CREATIVITY and DESIRE TO PLAY.
And that is the point to this whole tale and to my livestream earlier.
In relationship we grow tired and bored of our sex and of each other because we forget how to court.
We forget how to play, to laugh and be joyous in our sex and relationship and therefore it all gets tiring and old.
Like a chewed up piece of gum that lost its flavor years ago.
But it does not have to be like that.
You can have a dynamic connective deep relationship if you will simply allow yourself to get real and raw,
to be seen and to enjoy.
Stop taking your sex so damn seriously.
Instead start enjoying your flesh, your partner’s flesh.
Your laugh and their laugh.
Get a little edgy with each other.
Discuss things you would like to explore and try.
Start to believe that you can be creative,
that you do have the time,
and that it does not have to take an arm and a leg to create spectacular events for the one you love.
It’s time to level up your love.
It’s time to stop accepting boring as your normal in your sex and relationship.
It’s time to get down and dirty and play in the sandbox together.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ready to claim that F-ck Yes! Relationship with your partner?
Ready to stop settling for boring as your norm?
I sure AF hope so! Cuz’ you are worthy of so much more and so is your relationship and sex.
Reach out to me today to learn the secrets of a playful turned on relationship.
WATCH THE LIVESTREAM HERE NOW!
I CAN’T SEE PAST YOU.
I am going to get real with you, raw with you, vulnerable and share something that scares the shit out of me today in this musing.
I sure am not, but here we go anyway 🙂
I recently let down my guards.
I recently decided to just drop the fear of letting love penetrate me to my core,
I recently took down my shield that was protecting my delicate hungry heart,
and I allowed my soul to lead me right into possibly the last relationship of my life.
I possibly opened the floodgates to something that I have craved for, desired and sampled in ways in the past but did not actually believe was possible,
or thought oh that will happen in my golden years if I am lucky.
Folks, I can’t see past him.
WTF am I to do with that?
Never before have I not been able to see a life past someone.
Even my deepest loves in my past I could see life past them,
without them, it may not have been what I wanted for or desired but I could still look past them and know that there was more,
something greater, deeper, more elevating and penetrating.
And here I sit today with the realization that I can’t see past him.
I can’t keep ignoring the words and feelings that rise up in my core,
my soul screams them, my eyes communicate them, my heart shakes and makes me know its desire and to make matters worse he just keeps confirming all of it to me in soft ways and direct ways.
I am done with looking for the gotcha’s.
Done with trying to find what’s wrong, why it would not work, should not work, cannot happen. Done with giving a shit about what the world says….
Sorta taking a Bonnie Raitt approach to this and just going with,
“Let’s give them something to talk about.”
Because the alignment is too f-cking damn good to ignore and turn away from any longer.
I AM ALL ABOUT THE ENERGY.
Everything is energy.
It’s the most potent, important thing when we are looking at anything in our lives. Especially when we are looking at relationships and building a F-ck Yes! Life.
It’s not just chemistry.
Chemistry can fade.
There is New Relationship Energy (NRE) that we all have on the front side of getting together with someone, and it typically lasts anywhere from six months to 3 years if we are lucky, but then it fades and we start to see our partners clearly and as the humans that they are.
We can feel alignment when we are meeting in the wounds of our life and they are sinking up with someone else’s,
We can feel energy when we have physical attraction, mental stimulation, emotional bonding or a feeling that someone “gets us” but true energetic connection goes deeper than all of this.
Real soul alignment is more than that feeling like you are seen or understood.
Energetic Alignment in Intimate relationships is about elevation of the souls.
And it comes from a place of your core.
It comes from two individuals being aligned to who they are first without each other.
Not needing each other, but choosing to add the cherry of the relationship into their already damn good life picture.
True soul alignment is a feeling of coming home.
And when you reach that feeling of coming home you most likely will not be able to see a relationship past this one that elevates you into wanting so much more from life and yourself.
Soul based relating is about expansion in love.
It is about reaching your edge and knowing that you can go further because you are limitless and together you are limitless.
It’s a love that extends past time and space.
My experience over the last six weeks of my life is one of great momentum.
Going zero to 300 you could say.
A hundred years traveled in a little over a month,
the feeling of making up for lifetimes of lost time.
A merger of energy so great that I simply don’t have words to describe.
A shattering of my heart that is breathtaking and welcoming.
And here is something I have recognized in my work with thousands of people through the years who have been through this process of coming into soul aligned relationships of this depth and magnitude:
You can see the steps as to how you arrived right where you are at and how f-cking perfect everything is. How the synchronicities, the crazy little coincidences, how people, places and timelines guided you to this moment, to this relationship and how had you chosen differently you would have set things back or even missed it.
YOU HAD TO BECOME A MATCH TO THIS ENERGY.
And that is the truth.
We forget how WE,
Yes, we and only we can do this for ourselves. That we have to become a match to the person that we want to call into our lives.
All this talk about soulmates, twin flames, etc….
and the thing that we forget to realize is that we only get to have these powerful, dynamic fully turned on passionate and limitless relationships WHEN we choose to do our damn work and get rock solid in our core as to who the f-ck we are and what we want in life.
We have to be unwavering and selfish MF’s to get our energy aligned to this kind of empowered relationship.
Until we do so,
we spend our time learning about ourselves,
about what we want and what we do not want.
We take ourselves through the school of love and relationship and gain our education into SELF.
And then if we become self-aware.
If we become “woke” as some would say,
then without reservation, without even trying you find yourself just lined up to the most precious, yummy, juicy, fully absorbing, ignited relationship that you can imagine.
You will see how you were sampling pieces of it in previous experiences. You were being given the gift of being able to recognize this relationship quickly when you finally decided to become a match to it.
And when it comes for you,
there will just be a KNOWING.
The questions stop.
Your ego may try to put up a fight,
it may attempt to sabotage out of fear of getting hurt again,
but under that you will still have this undeniable feeling of CERTAINTY.
And the world won’t matter.
Your fears will not hold a candle to the power of your heart.
Other opinions, judgement, perceptions you will just turn away from without worry,
because you will just KNOW.
Like you know yourself,
you will recognize this soul aligned relationship.
And you will continue to run forward in faith and enthusiasm.
And you most likely will not be able to look past this relationship.
Beautiful isn’t it?
Intimacy share dear reader:
I sat here the other morning, alone, drinking my coffee, breathing in the crisp morning air, feeling this soul with me energetically even though we were not physically together. I closed my eyes and saw his. And with a breath I fast forwarded through this life,
I sat at the doorstep of death and I took it in.
I felt the goodbye of the physical and I felt his hand in mine.
And I welcomed it because it was a spectacular sharing of a lifetime,
and I knew that not even death could take this from us.
It’s powerful and pure.
It’s limitless and it is what we all crave and desire.
We may settle for logical, smart and fun.
We may settle for “good enough.”
But we always remain hungry until we access our core and get aligned and right with self.
And then leap in faith into life and let ourselves be carried to what we KNOW is home.
“I can see the rest of my breaths in this lifetime in your arms.”
Yes I can.
I encourage you today my love, to look deep within yourself and ask yourself if you are settling or contemplating settling for just “good enough” in your relationship, in your love?
How does that knowing that you are settling make you feel?
Sit with that for a second if you can.
Stop making excuses.
Stop looking for the reasons and focusing on the fear of what if…
Instead know that you are worthy of a great penetrative love.
You are worthy of accessing heaven and experiencing a soul merger that you know at your core can be so,
but you currently have no knowledge or relationship with.
You must be willing to meet yourself though.
You must be willing to let go of your ego based loving ways,
you’re codependent habits and desires,
and you must be willing to be complete and whole in WHO YOU ARE FIRST.
This is your work.
This is the only earning you will ever have to do.
Become elevated to who you are and that soul aligned relationship will magically appear overnight.
what you desire and want,
wants and desires you too.
It’s time that you say F-ck Yes To YOU Love.
Elevate your love.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ready to elevate your love and life in 2021?
Ready to call in that soul aligned relationship that you cannot see past?
Let’s get you aligned to your core love.
Reach out to me for information on my 1:1 and group coaching programs starting in January 2021 and the early bird discounts for those coming later this month.
DESIRABLE DOES NOT MEAN ACCEPTED.
Today I was speaking to a man that told me that he thought that I was a highly desirable woman.
Yesterday I was having lunch with a man who told me that he just thinks that the rest of the world looks at me the way he does and sees me in that way.
A few days ago, I was working with a man who said, “Wow, if I could just find someone like you.”
Last week an old lover of mine told me that he never stopped desiring and loving me.
And a few years ago a man who crept into my space and heart told me how desirable I was, and he did so daily for some time.
Prior to him, there were a few more men who claimed the same.
And they all said that they loved me for who I was,
for my radiance, my glow, my light.
They loved how playful and turned on I was to life.
They loved witnessing me with my family,
and watching me teach classes.
They loved my out of the box ways, even though it made them breathe, because they knew that it meant that they needed to grow and that they wanted to be a better man by being around me.
All of these men said that I awoke them to a greater understanding of who they were,
I brought desire back into their lives,
and they never expected that from a relationship in this way.
Each of these men,
beautiful, dynamic men,
from my past are just that…
from my past.
They are not in my current nor in my future,
and even though I hold great love and gratitude for each of them for the lessons that we shared and what they awoke inside of me,
they all share one thing in common outside of believing that I am desirable.
And that is that they could not ever fully accept me.
Yes that highly desirable woman,
that goddess on her knees,
that siren in the bedroom,
that nurturing caring woman who loves her family dearly,
that coach, presenter, teacher who has passion without edge for her work,
that outspoken, take no shit,
got no f-cks left to give about how you view me desirable woman,
who loves to play, has a big heart,
struggles with her own insecurities and fears,
her own lack of worthiness and shame,
but does her damn work each and every day,
because that is the only thing that keeps her going strong.
Yes that desirable woman.
They could not really embrace.
They loved all those pieces,
they wanted me to hold them up,
to be all of me.
To shine as bright as the north star in the heavens.
And loved the light that cascaded down on them.
But they could not handle it. They feared it in truth.
That highly desirable woman.
well there was one great issue they had not conceived of yet,
that on their arm there I was.
Still highly desirable,
not just by them but by many.
and because my light attracted others,
this they feared.
so without understanding,
they all chose their own way to hide from the light,
or maybe better to dim the light as to make it not as attractive to all the competition.
And so the timeless story of boy meets girl,
boy falls in love with girl,
boy gets girl,
boy kills girl,
Not an actual physical death in my case,
but a killing of my radiance over time.
Through fear, shame, guilt, manipulation and falsities,
These men of my past have all fallen prey.
In their deep love and admiration of all that I am and can be,
they could not stand in the light and feel strong in the knowledge that others saw it too.
And so they ventured to take the star down from the heavens to keep it safe.
Not understanding that it was the death of the star or of the relationship with the star.
Now, some of these men would tell you that they fully accepted me, others would be more truthful and admit that it was too much for them,
they all would say that they had no desire to actually put out or even dim the light.
Because they loved that light and they all wanted me to be the best me that I could ever be.
They would tell you that it was not me that they did not fully accept, it was instead some of my ways, some of my beliefs, some of my desires or needs.
They would tell you that I triggered their past wounds.
They would tell you that I triggered their insecurity.
They would tell you that I was too outspoken, or out of the box in my relating.
They would tell you that it takes a lot to hang with me,
to breathe into some of the conversations that happen on a daily, moment to moment basis,
or that my flirty natural state of being was concerning.
They would tell you all of these things.
And they would say it was those things that caused the issues.
And I say what about those things are any different then the list above that you loved and desired so?
it is the triggers, the wounds, the fears and insecurities.
That is what is different.
And therefore these beautiful, lovely, dynamic men of my past simply could never accept me for their own inner saga of thoughts turning to emotions and leading down the path of needing me to “just not be so bright.”
Well at least not so bright for anyone but them.
Just shine on me.
because it was the competition,
the fear of losing the highly desirable woman that they had on their arm and in their bed that was actually the issue.
And since that was linked to me,
Well the solution was simple…
STOP BEING SO DAMN DESIRABLE.
Surely then they would feel safe.
They would be happy.
They could feel strong, stable and confident.
Just so long as I was not so desirable.
So wanted by others.
Change who you are babe,
but don’t change a thing.
Be you 100% babe,
just don’t make me feel insecure by being you.
Be confident, playful, sexy babe,
but only behind closed doors where others will not want for you.
I love the way you look babe,
But don’t look that way in public.
Yes these lovely men from my past,
love them I certainly do,
and so many men out there believe that they love their highly desirable woman fully as well,
but I ask you if that is true?
Can you feel strong and confident in her presence?
Can you feel strong and confident in the knowing that she is wanted by others but chooses you?
Can you feel your power more intensely by being with her,
or do you shake inside and feel the need to fight to keep all others at bay?
Does her beauty and intelligence scare you?
Her lack of need shakes fear to your core?
Does the fact that you cannot control her fluster and irritate?
These are the questions my love.
These you must answer truthfully,
for if you answer in accordance to keep her but it is not your truth,
you will only lose her all the quicker.
THE DESIRABLE IS OFTEN NOT ACCEPTED,
This is the reality of life.
we desire to alter to our wishes,
believing that we can hold it without question,
believing that we have what it takes,
and so we lie about our truth,
we fall prey to fear and triggers,
but we forget that the answer is always the same…
unconditional love and acceptance,
is the foundation to everything beautiful and long term.
It cannot be forced.
It can not be faked.
You either have it or you don’t and if you don’t it means that you need to go within and find it for yourself before you can ever proclaim it for another.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
*Photo Credit @DandeLionImages
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF….
I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANT YOUR SEX…
HIS SEX… HIS SEX… AND HIS…..
That’s a hard pill to swallow no matter if you are a man or a woman hearing it from your partner.
When the one you have invested your life with,
shared so many firsts with,
are doing this thing called life with,
comes to you and says that they desire to explore another,
or a few others.
The first reaction is fear.
The next anger.
And then you question,
“whats wrong with me, why am I not good enough.”
It feels like your partner has just told you that you mean nothing to them.
It feels like they just drove a million swords into your heart,
into your love and happiness.
And you find yourself not trusting.
feeling lonely, jealous and mad AF!
Whether they have acted on the desire of exploring another or not,
Most people struggle with their partners sharing a hunger for anyone but them.
Most feel threatened that their partner would ever even admire someone else.
Let alone say that they may want to explore someone else.
This goes against everything that we have taught since marriage came into play thousands of years ago.
But I tell you this little tidbit of truth in relationships.
No matter if you are in a monogamous or open relationship,
it is crazy stupid to think that all our desire,
all our noticing of others,
all of our attractions end for anyone else on this planet and is to ONLY be directed toward the one that we have sworn our sex too, our hearts too, our lives with.
The belief that desiring another is not healthy is perhaps one of the most toxic beliefs that can fall into a relationship.
It causes shame, guilt and separation in the relationship.
It prevents each party from being truly authentic with self or each other, and it creates a victim mindset.
Think about it,
In our culture that values but does not uphold monogamy we have programmed ourselves to believe everything that is not coming from love.
We say that we unconditionally love someone.
We say that we value honesty and truth above anything.
we say that we want our partner to shine,
to be happy and feel their best.
We claim that freedom is high on our list of desires.
We say that we do not want to own anyone.
And then we do everything in our power to do just the opposite.
And we start by preventing our partner from feeling their truth.
and ourselves as well.
We start by saying that from here forth we are it for each other.
Neither of us will EVER think about, look at or have a desire for anything or anyone outside of this relationship.
And if one of us do,
well we certainly better never admit it,
but if we do have a thought or feeling and it gets seen by the other then that will cause great jealousy and fear.
It will prove that the desiring partner is not to be trusted.
It will prove that the love was not real.
It will prove that there is a lack of commitment.
Here we have some of the greatest lies told to humans in relationships.
THE LIE THAT JEALOUSY IS NORMAL AND IT IS AN INDICATOR OF LOVE.
Jealousy has zero to do with love and everything to do with fear and lack of self-worth. It is about controlling someone else through emotional warfare to hold them in place to where we remain comfortable and feel safe. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity in the one feeling it and has NOTHING to do with actual love.
THE LIE THAT YOU SHOULD MEET YOUR PARTNERS EVERY NEED AND IF YOU DON’T THEN YOU ARE INADEQUATE OR THEY ARE TOO NEEDY.
This is a most unreal expectation placed on all of us in a relationship.
No one will ever be able to meet someone elses every need. No where else in our life experience are we expected to fulfill every need met for any person in our lives, children, friends or work related, we understand that it takes a village to meet all the needs. However when it comes to our sexual/romantic relationships we believe differently.
Here we get trapped in the concept that our partner MUST be our everything. That they must complete us. And if they do not or we cannot for them then we are not good enough or they are not. If we do everything that we can to fulfill every need and fall short then perhaps our partners are too needy, perhaps they want for too much and are even using us or taking us for granted.
When in truth these expectations are simply unreal, causing shame, guilt and feelings of a lack of worthiness or enoughness in one or both parties.
THE IDEA THAT YOUR INSECURITIES ARE YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO TIP TOE AROUND AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON.
We are told that if our partner loves us then they will do everything in their power to not hurt us. To not harm our feelings and that if our feelings get hurt that it is a direct attack from someone who is being selfish and uncaring. We walk into a relationship expecting the other to magically never trigger us into any negative feelings or thoughts and to be able to read our past memories and current moods and thoughts without us having to say anything to them. And when they do not… OMFG! how disrespectful and uncaring.
The blame game is among one of our favorite games to play because it takes our responsibility away from managing ourselves and allows us to manipulate our partners emotions by having them believe that they are so powerful because of the love that we hold for them to make or break us in any given moment. We expect them to change and to grow, to become better so that we can somehow avoid the hassle of ownership of our own mind, hearts and actions. “You made me feel….” ” You should have known…” etc.
The truth is that NO ONE is responsible for our feelings or thoughts. Our hyperactive sensitivity has nothing to with this world or anyone else in it, instead it shows how insecure we are in ourselves about who we are and how we choose to turn over our power consistently in the pursuit to get what we want the most in that moment… control over someone else’s actions, thoughts and feelings. The only person who can ever help us or change us is the person in the mirror and until we fall in love with that person and fully accept them in all their humanness we will never feel secure in the arms of another.
THE BELIEF THAT COMMITMENT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH EXCLUSIVITY.
Commitment = Exclusivity is the common belief. If you desire or need any other romantic/sexual or emotional relationship then you are not committed. Matter a fact you are considered to have commitment fears and issues. This is sort of like saying if you have more than one child you can only be committed to one child and none of the others. There is only so much love to go around. Only so much concern. If you are committed then you should not ever have any curiosity. You should never feel a connection with anyone else.
And if you do, well you are not committed. You are not to be trusted. And certainly do not value the love that you share.
When the truth is that these two are not the same.
To be committed is to be dedicated and loyal to someone.
That does not mean that you have to exclude every other person from your life and all relationships that may trigger your partner.
Commitment is something that is unique by definition to each individual, because loyalty or dedication means something different to each.
Yet in many relationships we believe that once we are with someone that we can no longer have friends of the opposite sex, that we have to be completely different around the opposite sex, and we have to close off our personalities, close down the things that we enjoy and avoid at all cost or risk the perception that we are not committed in our relationship. This also comes back to the concept that we are responsible for our partners’ insecurities.
But it is not true.
THE IDEA THAT YOUR VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY THEY SPEND WITH YOU, AND ZERO-SUM COMPETITION WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THEY VALUE IN LIFE – INCLUDING OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.
When we are in a romantic relationship we feel like we need to attach at the hip. After all, this person is our person. This is our best friend, our lover, our life partner. We should want to spend as much time together as possible, right. And if they care, if they really love us then there will be zero competition with anything else in their lives. They will want to be with us more than they want to learn that new skill, or play with their hobby, more than they want to work on themselves or build their career, and they most certainly will ALWAYS choose us over any other relationship.
Just because we are in a romantic relationship does not mean that all of our desire for everything else should go away. It does not mean that we stop wanting to explore and expand alone. It does not mean that we must spend every possible waking moment together nor that we need to experience every first with each other. These are ridiculous, illogical ideas that can not be manifested without killing desire for our partner and creating boredom.
In order for us to crave our partners we must expand as an individual. We must have a life outside of our mate. So often people feel like they have lost themselves, that they don’t know who they are anymore or that their partner does not see them anymore. This all stems from the fact that they prevented the space for growth as an individual and thus lost the magic of the relationship.
THE IDEA THAT BEING OF VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER SHOULD ALWAYS MAKE UP A LARGE PORTION OF HOW YOU VALUE YOURSELF.
You complete me is a common statement that you hear in romantic relationships. The idea of being completed by someone lends to it the concept that because we feel fulfilled by a relationship that if that person ever changes or needs for something else or more that in turn we are not of as much value to them therefore we lose our own self-value because the thing that shows of the evidence of being worthy and valuable/lovable has changed.
This is crazy. Self-worth, love and value should never be sought for or hinge on anything outside of ourselves and our relationship to self and if we believe in God then to God or Source. The outside world and everyone in it just like ourselves are ever changing. We have no control over what occurs outside of ourselves and if we hinge our value on such we will never be strong in who we are or know ourselves. We will never feel safe or be able to trust.
THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A “ONE” OR SOULMATE AND THAT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE LOVE CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES OR DIFFERENCES.
We buy into the idea that there is only “one” true love and that when we find it that it will be able to conquer all challenges. However, when that does not happen then we feel shortchanged, untrusting and question if love even exists. The reality is that love, any love has its limits because we do not think of love in an unconditional way. We mix love up with need therefore the love that we desire to achieve in our relationships often comes with many hidden expectations as well as feelings of a need to control it out of fear of losing it.
The concept of “the one” is beautiful and brings with it the idea that we are uniquely made just for someone else, meaning that we are indispensable to our partner. However this like so many other toxic beliefs in relationships is illogical. We each are unique no matter what, however if we are so needed by someone else is that love or need that is ruling our relationship and thus heart and with that is there any room for each individual to grow, change or transform as life will do to all of us? There is not under the guise of this belief. Because if we evolve as individuals then we may grow out of certain needs with our soulmate. Thus creating separation and a disconnect if both are not growing singularly as well as a couple.
In truth what we see with “the one” is that we are each “the one” for RIGHT NOW for someone and they for us. And maybe that relationship is romantic, maybe it is not. But what we are to gain from the relationship experience is a greater knowing of self through the experience of another who challenges us, triggers us and calls us forth to become so much more of who we truly are.
These relationship myths and beliefs are an under current to our society. They are put on pedestals in our culture from movies and songs, to paintings and literature. They are focused upon in our spiritual study and ingrained in us from our pastors, family and friends.
All of them lead us to a false concept of love.
Unreal expectations of relationships for self and our partners and separation of self by preventing us from not owning our hearts, our thoughts and feelings, let alone our desires and needs out of fear of losing what we call love that is actually control over another.
No matter the label that you put on your relationship the question that you should ask of yourself and your partner of RIGHT NOW is,
“Can I be me unapologetically and authentically without a fear of losing you because of me being me? “
If you can both answer yes truthfully then you have love and acceptance of self and each other. These are the building blocks to an ever evolving relationship and life.
If not, then you need to ask yourself if sacrificing yourself for your lifetime will ever bring you the happiness and love that you are hoping it will?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn more about authentic relating and how to develop a relationship based in unconditional love? Reach out to me to learn more about my couples and individual coaching today.
It’s time to realize that you are worthy of a beautiful relationship.