The Small Things Are The BIG Things In Your Success.

Success happens with in the small things.

The small things is what makes all the difference,
because the small things are actually BIG mother f-cking things.

Have you noticed this?
I sure have luv.
I am sure that you have noticed how you can focus in on all these BIG ass boulders and you can spend your life trying to push those damn boulders up the mountain you are climbing,
with little to no movement,
and THEN,
then you do thi sone little thing,
that seem’s like nothing really.
It’s a no-duh sorta thing even,
it’s a thing that you wonder,
“Why did I never think of that?”
and you do it,
and it MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

Yes success happens with in the small things.

Failure happens in the small things too.
You may understand this one a bit better.
Think about the relationships that you have had that have failed.
Was it big things or a pile up of small things that destroyed the intimacy,
the connection,
the trust,
even the love?

It was the small things , right?
Small things.
They seem so small
and so unimportant often.
They appear as though they should be easy to move through,
to avoid,
to conquer even.
And we most certainly should get over them quickly.
Small things are small hurdles after all.

And they are!
They are IF,
IF….

we let them be just that,
and we are proactive about discovering them,
and doing whatever it is that we need,
to clear the small hurdle.

Often this means,
small actions.

And in the land of success,
and moving those boulders with ease,
you have to be willing to look into things that are in your shadow,
into things that you may already be doing, ‘but are not doing where,
with whom,
or exactly how you need to be doing them.

These sort of things, are the things that can take you from zero to 60 in under a minute flat.

These sort of things,
can make or break you.

The issue always come’s back to realization of them,
and how we choose to perceive them.
It comes back to ego.
It comes back to heart.
It comes back to alignment.
Which means…..

What feels good,
and yet pushes your comfort zone.

The answer though is always in it feeling good.
Anything that does not feel good will create a low vibe in you and create chaos and destruction.
So NEVER….
NEVER EVER do that which you “think” you should do for anyone else, if it makes you feel bad in shape.
Especially if it scares you ass it may be dangerous,
it may cause some emotional or psychological issue within you, such as shame. Or it leaves you with a feeling of bitterness or fear of loss if you don’t do it.

This is not following your joy.
This is not alignment.
This is not jumping over a small hurdle to some success of moving that boulder up the mountain.

NO.
It most certainly is not.
Instead this sort of pushing through will add other boulders to your process and prevent you from success.

So put simple,
Just don’t do it.

It is okay to be selfish and say no to something or someone,
as saying now is saying f-ck yes,
to ourselves.

And being a f-ck yes to yourself will keep you high vibing!

Guess what luv,
saying yes to yourself at all cost,
is one of the most important small things you can do too.
It is the one small things that is the BIGGEST thing you can ever do to get that boulder up the mountain with ease.

But it will take courage.
It will take compassion for self first.
It will take passion,
and it will take a hell of a lot of self- love.

But YOU ARE WORTH it.

You are!

So focus in on the small things that will make all the difference today.
Focus in on the self-love that you have been denying yourself.
Focus in on the things that make you feel high vibe, make you laugh, make you smile.
Focus in on the small things as they are not small at all,
they are the BIG things.

And your success is going to totally rock out of the ethers because of these things.

Just say yes.
Say YES…
TO YOU.

And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

—————————————————————————–
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Warrior of the Goddesses Heart

I know what I want.
I know my desire.
I feel my heart yearning.
Calling for me to breathe,
breathe life back into it.
To not fear love.
Or to be loved.
To not belittle love,
offered at my doorway.

I hear my lovers words,
the sweetness they make,
the commitment they stand before,
the desire that erupts in them,
and the love.
The love that they are carried on.

I hear him share his heart,
I feel his soul hold space,
for me as I share in return.
I share my fear.
I share my struggle,
I share my desire.
And I want to run.

Can he be the one that can hold me?
Is he willing to really love me?
Or will he crumble
from my weight,
the weight of who I am
and all I want to become.

His words are nothing new to my ears.
Unfortunate tales that many a sailor in my feminine currents have sung before him.

They all long to be the one.
They long to capture my heart.

They enjoy my body,
they are intrigued by my mind,
they get lifted by my spirit,
but they know that the true battle,
the crusade is for my heart.

And it is a heart that has been scorned,
a heart that has been tossed away as it opened deeper.

My lover looks at me with loving eyes,
he aims to penetrate my soul,
he desires for me to feel his commitment,
his certainty,
he is confident that he can hold me
and dance in my fire.

His voice echos words of my past loves.
He shares he does not want me to change.
He does not want to control me.
That he,
yes he can love me and I am not to much.

I feel his heart,
I hear his belief,
but these words are easy to say,
while you sit by the fire and get caught up in its mystery.
What will he do when my fire escapes its container?
What will he do when it desires to over take his heart?
When it burns,
burns in its glory,
in its beauty.

Sure he will enjoy its dance,
but will he be able to handle it being ignited?

Through time and space we dance,
we open and close.
I look away but for a second,
as I sense him leaning in.
My soul wants to be taken.
My heart wants to be penetrated.
But alas,
the fear conquers them.
It masks the emotions that beg to be seen,
and it makes me retreat.

Retreat once again,
I will.
Back into my lonely cave.
Where I feel safe.
Safe in my not having.
Safe in my not being seen,
if even for a bit longer.
Yet he still see’s me.
And I know this.
He leans in further,
his lips softly open,
he asks for a kiss.

My heart shakes,
it rumbles in fear and excitement.
For all it ever wants,
wants to be chased,
wants to be desired,
wants to be opened,
wants to not be given up on.

In its wanting,
he steps a bit further into the fire,
and proclaims his presence.
Asking for my depth.
Asking for my emotion.
Asking for my fire.

And so it is,
that I breathe in.
Just one breath,
just one perhaps.

And answer him in the only way I can,
in this moment.
This perfect moment of our lives.

“As you wish.”
Comes from my lips as we meet once again.

————————–————————–

To all those who have loved and lost,
loved deeper than they can ever share,
who have tasted true love and will never settle for anything less than.

To all those who have stood in the goddesses fire,
who have been burned, who have been mesmerized by its flames and desired to conquer it.

To all those who want to feel its ignition,
who believe that they can hold it.
And dance with it.

Much love to you this day.
Open yourselves to love,
as it is what makes you feel alive.
It births your soul into all it desires,
all it needs and can be.

And let yourself be seen.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

 

An Ode to the Gentleman.

You say you can hear my smile in my voice.

You say that you want an opportunity to court me.
You say so much…

It is not your words.
It is all in your actions.
In those looks you give me.
The way your lips turn slightly different with your smirk,
The way you take my hand,
the groans that you make when you are close.

You say so much,
in the way you stay present with me.
The way you always make sure to be the gentleman.
You lead me strong.
You lead me with love.

You say that you believe that people grow tired of each other,
and without saying,
you let me know you fear that I will grow tired of you.
You fear that I bore easily.
But your desire for me speaks,
in all the little things.
They do not go unnoticed.

You say that if we did it right,
then we would not grow tired,
because the thing that bores,
is that when two come together they do less than more.

You are right.
And so I lean into your lead.
I lean into all that you say.
With your words.
With your smirk.
With your groans.
With how you hold me.
With how you protect me.
With how you remain present,
and
dance in this beautiful energy.
This energy that we have danced in,
and we have paused from,
and find ourselves back in.

Yes you say so much.
So much I want to hold on too.

So much that causes my heart to quake.
So much that scares me,
because in your presence,
I feel beautiful.

In your arms I feel held.
In your embrace,
I feel loved.

And when you look at me,
with your everyday sultry eye’s,
and smile.
I feel like your queen.

Cherished.
Adored.
and
Desired.

You say so much,
in so many ways.
And it is these things that captivates my soul.
It is these things that ignites my heart.
It is these things that opens me,
Open’s me to your love.

To the man that you are.
The man that I had tried to ignore.
The man that is patiently waiting.
Waiting for me to return,
return that look,
return that smirk,
return that holding,
and surrender,
once more.

To all the gentlemen who remain strong masculine,
leading in love, in compassion, and desire.
To all of you gentlemen, who understand that courting is vital, and leading is your part of the dance.
Thank you.

You are loved and needed.

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

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He Can’t Be A Man If You Don’t Let Him

He Can’t Be A Man If You Don’t Let Him

 
It truly is that simple ladies.
I know there are a bunch of men out there in our world who have not been taught how to be a man.
How to treat a woman.
How to man up you could say.
 
And often what one woman counts as manning up is not the same to another.
 
Our world does not favor men being men like they were back in the 1950’s.
 
Women do not need men the way they use too.
But WE DO STILL need our men.
 
DO you understand what I mean by this statement even?
 
You may think you do.
But I bet that you do not fully grasp it.
And hopefully you will by the time I get done ranting here some in this little bleep today.
 
We need our men,
we need them badly.
We may need them MORE now than ever before.
 
WHY?
 
Because without a REAL MAN ( and when I say man from here on out please realize that I am referring to the masculine energy, if you are in a same sex relationship, then this statement goes out to the one who acts in the masculine energy of the relationship, if you are in a heterosexual relationship then I am speaking about the actual man.)
 
We women ( the feminine in the relationship) are f-cked!!!!
And it is NOT a good f-ck.
 
If we women are single and don’t allow a masculine to come into our lives and be just that MASCULINE then we are f-cked as well.
 
Yes I am speaking to all you ladies out there,
who effing WILL NOT ALLOW A MAN TO BE A MAN.
 
You ladies who won’t let him get the door,
get the tab,
get the groceries,
fill your gas tank,
build something for you,
or lead on the dance floor of life in any f-cking way.
 
You ladies out there who are afraid to LET GO OF YOUR CONTROL.
 
Afraid that he is too BIG OF A KID to be the man.
Afraid that he will f-ck something up so you do it yourself.
Afraid that if you actually allow him to do things for you that you will be perceived weak,
or less than.
 
Why the EFF are you fighting to be the man?
How is this benefiting you at all?
 
The funny thing is that I bet you bitch about him not being the man not moments after you steal it from him.
 
Am I right?
 
LOL
OMFG! You know I am.
 
So do not even try to say different.
It is hard as f-ck to let our guys take care of us and do these things.
In today’s world women are constantly fighting men to wear the pants you could say.
 
We are a society that looks at the feminine as weak,
as nothing more than some sex object that is good for not much more than that, s-e-x.
 
This view has raised a population that looks down on feminine strength.
 
Looks down on vulnerability.
Looks down on emotion.
Looks down on nurturing.
Looks down on healthy connection.
 
As it is the softer side of things and the side that scares the shit out of us all because it is revealing.
So we man up.
 
We women, talk about having bigger dicks than our men, bigger balls. And laugh about how men are pussies.
 
Its disgusting in my opinion.
Yet I hear it all the time.
 
Over and over again,
women talking smack about their men and men in general,
all the while fearing their feminine,
fearing their flow,
and REFUSING to let men step up to the plate and take care of them in any fashion.
 
Well here is the issue ladies.
The issue is that the more you are the man in your relationship,
the more you force the polarity to switch,
then the ONLY way your guy can stay with you is to drop into his feminine more.
 
This means that you have a guy that is going to be unable to make clear decisions.
 
He will potentially even get moody.
He will seem to have little to no purpose, or drive.
He will STOP trying to do things for you and almost expect you to constantly take on the tasks that you wish he would do.
He may appear to be more needy.
 
And YOU….
YOU will be doing the man shit.
 
You will most likely start to feel energyless,
empty and disconnected from life and the people in your life.
You may have issues having an orgasm.
Your bitterness over him not being the man will start to eat away at your desire and respect for him,
and you will feel a humongous wall forming.
 
Sound like anything you might be living currently?
 
Well, ladies.
As much as men need to stand the f-ck up and JUST BE THE MAN!!!!!
 
We ladies, NEED TO BACK THE F-CK DOWN
and ALLOW IT.
 
But this means,
we have to stop ourselves from controlling everything.
We have to let him figure it out.
We have to actually ask for help.
We have to share what our needs are and give him an opportunity to learn us, because all he has ever known is our masculine who was leading the relationship and controlling him.
 
In the beginning of your relationship,
think back.
Think back to how he looked at you.
Think back to how he touched you.
Think back to the little things he did for you.
 
Now FEEL back to how you were.
 
That flirty, laughing, teasing you.
That you that was excited about his call or text.
That you that looked forward to his masculine energy,
and how it made you feel like a woman.
How it put you in your feminine.
 
Yes feel that.
 
Some where along the line you lost it.
You decided that it made you weak.
It made you too vulnerable.
That it was silly,
that it was unsafe to reveal this soft side.
 
More than likely it was something that broke away at your trust.
Your heart got hurt.
So the way to safeguard yourself was to armor up into your own masculine.
 
The idea of, “If you want it done right, then do it yourself.” came about.
 
You decided that you could not put your faith and trust in the masculine.
 
AND NOW….
 
here you are.
 
A lost women.
A lost woman who won’t let a man be a man.
And are pissed at the masculine that he won’t just BE A
F-CKING MAN.
 
 
Well ladies,
You ONLY Have you to blame on this.
Because at some point you have to drop your armor,
put down your swords.
 
And lift up your crowns.
Twirl and laugh.
Smile because he will do anything for the light that comes from your smile.
Allow yourself to radiate the love that you are.
Because he will conquer the world and universes for you if you JUST SHINE.
 
You know who you are meant to be.
You know the GODDESS that you are inside.
You know the QUEEN he see’s in you.
 
so start acting accordingly.
STOP being a BITCH.
STOP controlling every situation.
STOP forcing your masculine to be your mask,
while crying in the corners of your wounded feminine.
 
And JUST F-cking Be a GODDESS QUEEN!!!!
 
You want a knight to carry you away,
You want a man to build you a fortress,
You want a king to put you on a pedestal and worship at your alter,
You want to be held, loved and supported.
NO MATTER WHAT.
 
Then BE THE QUEEN.
And let Your KING Lead Your dance.
 
Stop stepping on his toes.
 
You both deserve better.
This world needs you to be a QUEEN.
This world needs him to be a KING.
 
We are different sexes for a reason.
We are different polarities for a reason.
 
So lean in to who you are.
Stop resisting your divine energy.
 
It is here that you manifest EVERYTHING that you desire.
In your DIVINE ENERGY.
 
Not in controlling anyone else’s.
 
No matter what your reasons, wounds or fears are.
 

And As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

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Boatloads of Trust

Trust.
Something we long to have,
something we long for other’s to have in us and us in them.
It is given freely and in boat loads at the beginning of a relationship and THEN as time moves forward we break our trust with others and we have our trust broken.

The small little moments when we don’t hold space,
where we choose to not be authentic,
where we mask our feelings,
our intents.

These all tear away at trust.

Then we have those bigger moments, where trust crashes on the shores of a disaster and we feel ourselves overtaken by the pain of what we believed we had that we quickly discover was misplaced.

TRUST.

One of the most beautiful aspects of life,
providing us with a strength to lean in and embrace all that we crave,
all that we hunger for.
All that we want to be and want to experience.

The vulnerability,
the surrender of TRUST.

It is a giving of our deepest selves,
and this is why when it is breached it hurts so effing much.

This is why we fear listening to that inner voice,
opening our hearts and revealing ourselves at any depth.

So we starve ourselves.
We keep things at the surface and we do not venture down the rabbit hole of true relationship.

TRUST.

I find myself this morning looking at this word with great love,
with great hatred and fear,
with a reality that for all the trust that I have,
I trust VERY little.

And the message from my SOUL that I aim to share here with you, is that we all have these feelings. We all fear TRUST.

The bigger issue is that we fear trust more with ourselves,
more with GOD than we do with other’s in our life.

The trust that we give or don’t give to other’s is nothing more than a reflection of the trust that we give to ourselves and thus to God.

We are always being met with a reflection of something inside ourselves, and it is the awareness that the reflection is there to serve us, to heal us, to open us and to connect us to ourselves and all that is, IS THE LESSON.

Trust is a main area in which we must awaken to our core issues to alignment.

We want for so much in life.
We desire more abundance, more money, more sex, better health, better relationships, more fun, adventure, opportunity.
Yet we DO NOT TRUST that we are WORTHY of it or that we CAN HAVE IT.

Therefore we consistently look for how it is not showing up.
We manage to lean into self-sabotage when the beauty of all that we want is offered, we find our way home to the comfort of our pain body and we give reason to NOT TRUST or be trustworthy.

It is a two way street.
As everything in life is about relationship.
No matter what we are desiring we are in a relationship with it.
And in order to go deeper into a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP we must be able to trust ourselves and to trust those that are in alignment to us.

TRUST.

This morning I sit here with issues based just in this word.
I write this note from a deep place in my heart and soul. A place that desires to trust but is constantly awakening to the reality that I have challenges in this department.

I have powerful reason’s as to why I should not trust,
why I should not lean in, ‘why I should not offer up my truth.
I feel myself wanting to hide.
Wanting to disregard what I know at my core.
Wanting to act as though the reality of this current moment is something else, when in fact I am being given an opportunity within this problem around trust to see clearer.
To offer compassion.
To offer love so that all can heal.

This requires authentic relating.
This requires INTEGRITY.

Trusts is given freely and in boat loads at the beginning of a relationship.

Then we manage to f-ck it up from all the little and not so little choices that we make.

Within the f-ck up we are given an opportunity to stand in INTEGRITY. And with integrity we open the doorway again to

TRUST.

When we choose to be authentic,
to come clean with ourselves,
and with the relationships in our life,
we access a deeper version of our SOUL.
We embrace our humanness.
We embrace love.
We show God that we trust that we will be held,
and that we can heal.
We open ourselves to MORE.

And here we align to soul.
Here we access our TRUTH.
Here we EXPAND and LIVE.

Anything else is an illusion of the life we create through our fear, through our ego.

Anything else is self-sabotage.

If you want to TRUST, and be trusted, then you MUST at all cost stand in INTEGRITY.

You MUST show up as your authentic self.
And you must EMBRACE your humanness and what you may perceive as flaws as spaces for growth.

TRUST your core.
TRUST your soul.
TRUST your heart.

Stand there, in that meadow.
With SELF first.

Can you look in the mirror and say that you stand in integrity?

And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

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Mother F*cker Messed Up My Orgasm.

 
I sit here this morning not wanting to open up my text thread with my ex.
The negativity,
the control,
the anger that comes from it,
and that I feel inside just at reading the last words on the thread.
 
“Really?”
 
I already know the tone.
The comments and commands.
I feel disgust at this thread.
 
Late last night I saw his final words,
they hit me like lead in my gut,
Sorrow,
Distrust,
Bitterness,
Anger.
 
It is all here.
Stepping away from an enviroment,
a relationship for a few weeks or months
 

“Really”

 
does show you a person’s truth.
While in the relationship we make excuses,
get caught up in the day to day,
and simply just don’t want change.
We don’t want to have a relationship fail.
We want to make it work.
We want to be accepted, loved and connected.
Even at the cost of our well-being,
Our happiness,
Joy,
Health and freedom.
 
SO we ignore,
hide, ‘cover that shit up and act like it is not there.
 
Truth never stays hidden forever though.
A person’s true color’s ALWAYS come out.
And in my saga, the color’s are not so pretty in this relationship.
 
The truth of the reality is that I masked from myself my partners need to control and dominate. I knew he was an alpha personality walking in, and loved that about him. His strength and ability to hold boundaries was attractive. His assertiveness and masculine power was what I needed and desired. I needed the security of this. I needed the foundation of this. I also loved his calm, cool, collected stance. I loved his seemingly open mindedness and playfulness. He offered what I needed in the moment.
 
It was a season.
There was a reason.
 
Now those were gone.
Now I am left with the flip side.
The control freak, the aggressor, the one who when he does not get his way acts like a 3 year old and retracts himself, his love and says, ” I hate you.” Takes his ball and goes home.
 
Now I am left with his need to try and control me through our children. I wonder if he even notices it, if he is aware of his pattern’s, his actions or if he is just playing the role that is comfortable to him and feel’s safe.
 
Now I am left with the residue of his energy as it wafts through the text message, the facetime, the phone calls and emails.
 
Now I am left with him just ignoring anything he does not want to discuss because of the discomfort and his knowing that it will be emotional and I will speak my truth and he can do nothing to stop it.
 
Now I am left with him proving what his priorities are.
His bottom line is focused on his bank account and not on relationship.
His priority is to pretend that none of his actions had anything to do with anything.
His priority is to run and hide behind his masks, not seeing that he is turning into his worst nightmare. The people he always claimed he did not want to be like he is now mimicking them. He is now becoming the one’s that have since passed and he is honoring the patterns that they taught him as a little boy. He is now honoring a closed heart, a barren soul, a disconnected life.
 
In his desire to control, he does nothing more than share his rage and hatred. His fear.
 

But none of this is reason for him to steal my orgasm.

 
No, that is on me.
 
But I want to cast blame onto him.
I want to point the finger and say he did this to me.
 
Yes, this morning I sit here not wanting to open this thread of text messages between us because I feel all of it.
 
Last night, I did not open it in hopes to avoid it.
I wanted to avoid the negativity of his control.
I wanted to avoid looking at him on facetime with our nightly call for our kids.
I wanted to just not feel him for just one night, one day.
I wanted the freedom that flickers through my days.
I wanted to breathe.
 
But that last statement attached itself to me,
the thread just lingered and my ego ran and played with it.
 

“Really?”

He was inquiring why I had not answered I am sure,
he was frustrated that in his grand attempt to contact everyone in my home to get me to contact him had not worked,
he was upset that he could not control the situation and that I had made a stance to just say no.
 
Our children had not asked to speak to him so I felt no guilt in not speaking tonight.
 
We were busy having fun, connecting and laughing.
We were snuggling.
So why wreck a good moment.
A good memory for his desire to control?
 
Yes, this is the question of the morning.
Why allow him to steal it?
I held firm for my children.
For that moment.
But then I allowed that word, that thread to infiltrate my soul.
I allowed it to poke at me.
And I allowed it to steal the depth of orgasm that I was offered in the night hours with my lover.
 
I pushed myself to open,
I felt pain from doing this.
I shut myself in fear,
fear I would reveal to much.
I got captured by that damn text thread,
over and over again.
 
Into my head,
out of my body.
Away from my deep orgasm.
Keeping it surface.
All the while desiring what I had just tasted 24 hours before.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

F-*-C-K!!!!!!

 
I allowed him to.
Just like I allowed him to control to much of my life in our relationship. Just like I allowed him the power to act the way he did. Just like I allowed myself to stay,
to stay in the enviroment that was not conducive to my purpose,
my heart, my life.
 
YES
 
That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.
But I made the choice to not release,
to breathe in.
To hold him and his energy
instead of leaning in to my lovers thrusts of passion,
my lovers presence,
my bliss.
 
He only messed it up because I allowed it.
And this morning, I sit here witnessing my ego, my pain, my rage, my holding.
 
Here I sit with my body breaking down.
My body screaming at me, “STOP! – Let that shit go!”
 
Here I sit, witnessing that he not only physically hurt me,
controlled me in ways that I was not aware of,
hid his truth from me,
Held anger toward me and lied to my face about it,
He not only did not love me and may have never,
but he continued to punch me in the heart.
He was willing to try and dominate my life,
the children’s life,
through textbook tactics of an abuser.
 
It is shocking to me.
It is on going.
It is healing to see things from this vantage point.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

And I am in gratitude for it.

 
Thank you Mother F*cker for being you and showing me my strength.
Thank you Mother F*cker for showing who you really are so that I could claim whom I am more.
Thank you Mother F*cker for the season, the reason and the blessings that we shared.
Thank you Mother F*cker for coming into my life and being EXACTLY what I needed.
 
With out you, I would not be me.
Empowered.
Guided.
Desiring more.
Certain.
 
Thank you for supporting my determination and drive.
Thank you for your disconnect to your emotions and heart, and showing what that does to a human, to a relationship, to a life and making me aware of where I meet you there and that…
 
I CHOOSE.
I choose to STOP meeting you there.
I choose instead to open up my heart.
To feel my emotions.
To forgive.
To heal.
To laugh.
To connect.
 

I choose to LIVE.

Unbound, free and on purpose.

 
Cut loose from the chains that you tried to hold me with.
Cut loose from the chains that I held myself with.
Cut loose from the fear.
 
YES
I choose.
I choose to…
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Looking for Mr. Forever – The pressure we SHOULD NOT feel.

I know you want someone to hold you close and handle your heart gently, but put love on hold. You don’t need someone to fall asleep beside. Not yet. You can wait for that.

Finding your forever person shouldn’t be your main priority. Finding yourself should come first.

Find out what brings your passionate side to the surface. Find out what stirs the adrenaline that’s been hibernating in your veins. Find out what convinces you to stay up until 3 AM and wake up at 5 AM. Find out what puts the suicidal thoughts to rest and gives you a burst of appreciation for the living.

Find out why the girl in the mirror looks so sad when she’s alone. What does she want? What is she missing? If it’s a who, what type of person would fill the gap where her smile is supposed to be? Is it a best friend that can make her laugh when she only has the impulse to scream? Is it a semi-stranger to drink with to erase the pain? Is it a mystery voice that tells her they believe in her, that they’re proud of her?

Find out what squeezes your heart until it skips a beat. Find out what sends flutters through your spine. Find out what awakens the butterflies in your stomach. Find out what makes the cliches come to life.

Find out who you are and what you want out of this chaotic world, because you’ve only scratched the surface of your cravings. You want a house in the Hamptons, but what will make that house a home? Degrees to hang on the wall, a baby girl, a puppy flopping through the yard? You want a job in journalism, but what are you hoping to gain from it? Aside from money. Aside from security. What is it you’re hoping life blesses you with?

Find out what you want this universe to deliver to you. And don’t be afraid to sound greedy or selfish or unrealistic. Don’t restrain yourself from having oversized fantasies, because you’ll find important pieces of yourself hidden amongst those dreams. You’ll find out what drives you. What type of human you truly are.

Find out what inspires you, motivates you. Find out what gives you the energy to push through on your worst days. Find out what you’re doing here on this earth, because no matter how worthless you feel, you have a purpose. You have a reason you exist — and it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.

You have a lifetime to find your forever person, so find yourself first. You deserve to meet her.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE– You Have A Lifetime To Find Your Person, So Find Yourself First by Holly Riordan

Polyamory vs. Monogamy: What Do You Think?

woman2menI know that I have many people that I am working with who are coming to a point in their lives and relationships where having and “Open Relationship” has become appealing to them. But there is much concern as to if it is dangerous or not to have this sort of sexual/intimate relating and the main causes of concern are:
* How will jealousy play a role?
* Won’t one or both of us feel like the other is not invested or committed as much anymore?
* What happen’s if I truly love two people at the same time? Is this manageable or will it destroy the relationships?
* Does having multiple partners increase my chances of catching a sexually transmitted disease?
* What about time management?
* How do I deal with what other’s think? i.e. friends, parents, children, etc.
* How do I bring up the conversation of opening my primary relationship?
Just to name a few concerns….

I am not going to address all of this here, as this list of concerns is a whole workshop in it’s own. However, I do want to say that I agree with Dan Savage on his comeback and I will state that for the last four years I have been blessed to enjoy a deep loving, authentic relating and sexually open relationship with my two lovers. Both men fulfill me in different aspects. My relationship is unique with each and yet similar.

Last year I opened a channel of communication of allowing each of them to ask me five question’s, they could be any question and I agreed to answer 100% authentically no matter how hard it may be to state my truth. My primary partner Scott asked me, ” Have you ever considered a primary relationship with B?” – My response and the honest truth was, “Yes.” How could I have not? Here is a man I adore and love with my heart, soul and body just as I feel for Scott, I feel for B. Each man pulling to my surface an aspect of myself that without his presence I would not get a chance to explore, heal and love. Each man compliments my internal masculine in a similar but different fashion and allow’s me to be stronger in my divine feminine. Each open’s me and teaches me how to expand my heart, surrender more fully, and accept more gracefully the lead of the divine masculine.

In all honesty, I cannot, nor do I ever wish to imagine or experience my life without each of these gentlemen in it. Do I need either of them? No. I feel strong enough in myself and my path to say that I make the conscious choice each day to open myself to each of them and dance in life with them. It is not a state of need and therefore jealousy does not play a strong role in my relating. I am not with either of them to try and change them into someone that I believe they should be either. Therefore I am able to step away from much of my ego based issues and just enjoy each of them for who they are in the moment and how they each choose to show up in life with me.

As far as sexually transmitted diseases and open relationship’s go, just an FYI that monogamy does not mean security. Many studies have been done in recent years to see if polyamorous people are more likely to catch a sexually transmitted diseases than monogamous people. The stat’s were about equal. But how is this possible if one group of people are only sleeping with the same person and the other group has multiple partners?

Well, here is the truth.
When people cheat they do not think to have safe sex. They do not use a condom most of the time.
When people are involved in an open lifestyle they typically know that they have to have these conversations about diseases, protection and when someone got tested or not. They also think about boundaries, safe words, precautions and deeper levels of authentic communication that many monogamous people never consider. Does this mean that you can’t enjoy bare sex with two partners or that it is a bad idea? The answer here is no. Of course you can enjoy bare sex with two partners, as long as all partners are on board with it and communication is in place as well as taking into consideration that bare sex is a symbol of deep connection, trust and COMMITMENT. So if anyone decides to bring in another party then the safety jackets are back on.

Having an open relationship or multiple partners DOES NOT mean that you love less. It means that you LOVE MORE! This sort of relating when done in a mature, proactive, no ego driven or need fashion can be very healing and a great teacher. Is it for everyone? No. But should it be condemned or stated that such a relationship between 3, 4 or even 5 people cannot last long term? No again. Most monogomous relationships end in divorce after years of fighting, suffering and sexless relating. Do these long term relationships seem successful? If you answered yes then you may need to examine what your view of success is and then ask yourself if they are really examples of unconditional love too. Then look at an open relationship such as Dan Savage and his wife, shared below….

Successful? Unconditionally loving?
You be the judge.

–KW

Dan Savage at Inforum 9460747644 cropped to Savage

Dan Savage’s devastating reply to Helen Fisher

That New York Times story a couple days ago?The Secrets to an Open Marriage According to Mo’Nique?Which quoted the once-respected anthropologist Helen Fisher saying she just somehow knows these things “never end up working long-term”?

Dan Savage just published a takedown:

Dan Savage in 2013
…The Oscar-winning actress [Mo’Nique] and her husband [Sidney Hicks] are double rarity: not just a straight couple who aren’t in the closet about their open marriage, but a famous straight couple in an openly open marriage.

…[Writer Tammy] La Gorce gets a few quotes from someone who comes across as pretty sane about open marriages — Douglas LaBier, a psychologist and the director of the Center for Progressive Development — but La Gorce pretty much hands the rest of the piece over to someone who has clearly lost her mind: Helen Fisher, author, “biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute” (RIP Kinsey Institute), and shill for a dating website, where Fisher has been doing important research on the best strategy for getting a second date (take ’em out for sushi) and what it means when a person uses a lot of emojis (they’re horny as fuck).

…Where to start?

With Fisher’s insulting claim to know better than Mo’Nique and Hicks about how the Mo’Nique and Hicks really feel about their marriage? (They only think they’re happy, those deluded human animals!) With Fisher’s yanked-from-her-ass assertions about evolutionary pressures that supposedly endowed all modern humans with genes that allow for just one type of romantic “bond” (only pairs, always sexually exclusive!) and just one successful “mating process” (only pairs, again, and it’s all about the kids!)? With Fisher’s assertion — offered without any data to back it up — that open marriages “never end up working long-term”?

Let’s start with that.

“Just because there is a lack of good data on the longevity of open relationships does not mean that ‘they never work out,'” said Dr. Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University. “Saying ‘they never work out’ goes beyond any data she has; I would ask her to prove it. Where are her data? I know of none to support that.”

Dr. Herbenick has data that contradicts Fisher’s “they never work out” and “all people in non-monogamous couples are secretly miserable” bullshit.

“Similar proportions of men in monogamous and open relationships say they are happy in their relationship and sexually satisfied,” said Dr. Herbenick, citing ACTUAL FUCKING DATA from the IU School of Public Health’s 2014 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. “For women, more women in monogamous relationships say that they are happy in their relationship and sexually satisfied. But that doesn’t mean none are happy or satisfied, as plenty are.”

…On a personal note/anecdote: my husband and I recently celebrated our 21st anniversary and our marriage has been open for 17 of those years. Hey, maybe Terry and I need Helen Fisher to swing by the house and explain to us how we’re really secretly miserable, just like Mo’Nique and Hicks….

Moving on…

Fisher’s bizarre theory of brain adjacency: the chunks of our brainz involved in romantic love are located near the chunks of brainz that “orchestrate” thirst and hunger and that’s why there’s no such thing as a successful open marriage. CASE CLOSED!

That sounded like complete bullshit — and not just to me.

“It is a rather odd claim to say that the reason a phenotypic trait will operate the way it does is because a particular brain region responsible for it is adjacent to other brain regions which do something else,” said Dr. Qazi Rahman, King’s College London. “That kind of model of brain-behaviour relationships would generate all sorts of very odd predictions which most neuroscientists or neuropsychologists would find strange. But then all behaviour and mental activity is ‘in the brain’ and so I’m not clear making these sorts of claims does any useful explanatory work for behavioural scientists.”

“There is an entire network of the brain involved in romantic love,” said Dr. James Pfaus…. [Fisher] doesn’t get it. She has never gotten it. Her view of the brain is a neurochemical phrenology.”

…”I spoke with Helen at a conference once,” a researcher who did not wish to be identified told me in an email. “Helen said there is a single gene that will determine whether a man cheats or not. We carefully explained why this couldn’t be so.”

Fisher, like so many other hacks in the love-and-relationship racket, wants sex and love and marriage to work in a certain way — they insist it only works this one way — and this monogamist bias informs and distorts Fisher’s work.

“I enjoy Helen’s stuff, but think she’s blind to her cultural bias on this one,” said Dr. David Ley. “I’d be interested in whether she truly thinks monogamy ‘works’ long-term, given divorce and infidelity rates. I think the most damaging piece of Fisher’s approach is her generalization of her beliefs to all humans. The valuable thing about modern relationships is the ability to individually negotiate a relationship, based upon each partners’ needs, strengths and deficits.”…

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

Dear Husbands: 5 Unsexy Things You Do That Seriously KILL The Mood

hubs doesnt get it
If you want her to desire you … NEVER do these things:

I have long considered physical intimacy between men and women as a very unfunny cosmic joke.

Men get physical as a way to open up and emotionally connect to their partner. Women need to feel emotionally connected to their partners before opening up physically. I mean, who designed this system?

Bridging this gap in approaches is often very difficult and exhausting for even the most committed couples. Left on their own, couples can end up in destructive patterns and eventually succumb to the often devastating outcome that is a sexless marriage — each partner feeling turned off by the other.

But this sexless outcome is not inevitable. When approached well, sex in marriage is usually more frequent and better than that of single lovers. Which means many married couples keep their sex lives hot!

How do those husbands do it? The secret to turning your wife on, gentlemen, is also knowing (and avoiding) what seriously turns her OFF. So, if you’re doing any of these oh-so unattractive things — please stop!

1. Letting yourself go
While it is commonly accepted that men are the visual creatures, women also desire physical attractiveness in their partners. I don’t think it’s fair to expect anybody’s body to remain unchanged throughout the years, but making an effort to maintain your appearance is a signal to your wife that she’s worth making an effort for.

Unless bad breath, body odor, scratchy face, beer belly, and worn out, dumpy clothes are what she fell in love with, lose them now.

2. Randomly groping her body
While my husband assures me that men would love it if their wives spontaneously grabbed their junk, most women do NOT feel the same way. Being groped every time they walk by, as if “a butt” or “boobs” is all they are does not endear women to men (nor wives to their husbands). Neither does touching them only when you desire sex.

Instead, try offering physical affection with no strings attached. It actually increases intimacy when the time is right. And yes, women can tell the difference between the two.

3. Half-assing foreplay
I once heard a man say that foreplay should begin as soon as her last orgasm is over. He wasn’t talking about physical foreplay, but emotional foreplay. Women and men feel desire differently. It’s often hard for a woman to feel sexual desire when she is not feeling loved, acknowledged, and appreciated. Wherever a woman’s mind is, her body is going to follow.

While, true, she also has a role in being open to sex, you can do a lot to help her get there. Spontaneously, willingly and consistently take something off her plate, like doing the dishes or making lunches. Doing so can make a huge difference in her desire for you. As does anything that brings a bit of ease to her world. Approaches like “Wooga, wooga baby, wanna get lucky?” — not so much!

4. Not learning what pleases her unique body
Just as all men aren’t built the same, neither are women. What worked with a previous partner may not work (at all) with your wife. (This also applies to what’s portrayed in porn, as well). In addition, her ever-changing hormones can make a huge difference in her interest and enjoyment of sex. True intimacy, and great sex, happen when you’re both enjoying yourself.

This means really focusing on what arouses and satisfies her. That said, mechanically going through the “routine” each and every time, so you can get to your climax is neither generous nor emotionally fulfilling for her. It’s also important to remember that she may need physical arousal before she can feel desire. I find this is true for many women, so expecting your wife to initiate intimacy can lead to frustration for the both of you.

5. Sulking when you don’t get sex
Even if you’re suffering in a truly sexless marriage, it is a huge (repeat: HUGE) turn off if you pout, get angry, or otherwise react badly when she turns your advances down. I know it’s hurtful (and even embarrassing) but your partner always has the right to say “no” to sex. If it happens all the time, then it’s a real problem that the two of you need to lovingly deal with … together.

If it’s only an occasional occurrence that she’s “not in the mood”, then making her feel bad will only breed resentment towards you. And nothing kills attraction like resentment. And, besides, do you really want her to have sex with you out of guilt? (If so, she’s likely saying “no” with good reason.)

Sex is a wonderful part of a marriage, but it’s only one part. There’s a lot of information out there on how to improve your sex life. However, if there are problems outside of the bedroom, there will certainly be problems in it. This is especially true if women aren’t feeling loved.

So, the most important thing you can do to make sure your wife feels turned on is making sure your marriage, outside the bedroom, is in a good place.

ORIGINAL POST YourTango

By Lesli Doares

Why I Pay My Wife for Sex…

sexy-woman

Maybe you should too. Not MY wife — yours.

I’m always anxious to read the latest advice from sex columnists about how to have amazing sex. My problem is that they often fail to speak to the reality of life after children. Of course I’d love to languish in those Halcion days when we spent nights doing nothing but worshiping each other. Those were the days.  But why doesn’t anyone talk about having amazing sex after children?

The sex advice people suggest spicing up your love life. I’d love to have a few hours to do yoni massage in a quiet room filled only with sitar music and the aroma of sandalwood wafting in my nostrils. Children present too many interruptions and distractions. We never had the money or the child care back-up to do weekend get-aways. Waiting until late at night usually means someone is sleeping. Lovemaking gets pushed to the back seat. It takes a toll.

I was involved with men’s spiritual development groups for years. We all took a pledge of silence like the Las Vegas code. On several occasions though my wife asked me if we talked about sex. I said married guys with children don’t want to talk about something that doesn’t exist—sex after children. I couldn’t tell them about my life or they’d kill me out of jealousy. I have had a great sex life after children. Actually it started before children as it does for most of us men, but for my wife and I it never stopped.

I’m in a second marriage. My first was a complete mulligan. Maybe some insights will be posted here down the line. Let me just say, to reinforce an observation about The Good Men Project, men are victims too. I was. Enough for now. Well, okay, a little more revelation.

I underwent a vasectomy in a desperate attempt to save my first marriage. My ex was so afraid of pregnancy that she would “forget” to take her pill. ( I know, it doesn’t make sense.)  She contrived ever possible excuse to avoid sex. I really didn’t want children either, so it was no big deal for me at the time—anything to get more sex. However, when I had the procedure in the late 70’s, the folks at the family planning clinic wanted to be sure I knew it was highly unlikely I would ever be able to conceive naturally. I signed off willingly.

Turns out I was duped. Can’t go there now. My marriage dissolved soon after.

Some time later, I met the woman who would become my soulmate, the love of my life, all the magical things that a good relationship should be about. In our single days we were like mink. However, I knew when I proposed that I was committing to having children as our relationship wouldn’t work if we stayed childless. My wife was born to be a mother. I loved her enough to take the risk.

I underwent vasectomy reversal. In the aftermath I became her sex slave, as she rigidly followed the procedures for a thirty-five year old woman to get pregnant — sex every day she was at the proper basal temperature. We were told it could take a long time. The rabbit died before I was even out of my surgical recovery period.

We had sex all though the pregnancy. In the last days of a difficult and uncomfortable pregnancy, it became too painful for her. Thankfully, her gynecologist told her the way out was the same way she got in. Sex late in pregnancy will induce labor. I love that man. We had sex and she went into labor the next day.

Our first child was a crisis baby, born with a formerly fatal congenital heat defect. We took him back from the arms of the angels on several occasions. You’re never out of the woods with a heart baby, but that too is another story. I lost my job just before our second child was  born. My father-in-law, my best scotch drinking buddy, died suddenly after the birth of #2. I think only a prison term is higher on the life stress levels. Still we held on to each other.

Okay, back to my opening point, the sex counsellors don’t acknowledge that sex after children comes in stolen moments. Foreplay becomes “Brace Yourself!” Children, for all their blessings, kill intimacy. It is the ruin of many marriages. Sexuality in marriage after children has to become a commitment and not an idle romantic indulgence.

Over the years my wife and I have stayed sexually engaged. Our sex life would not make a great XXX movie. A lot of it is under the covers, quietly in the dark, but still, a connection. Unable to have wild sexual fantasies played out, we have found our own means of fun. One of them involves me paying my wife for sex. It serves a dual purpose. Money has always been short in our situation—we have been a one income family—I’m the at-home dad. I have terrible money insecurities. My wife loves to shop and buy stuff—fortunately, she is frugal. Still, her spending has been a source of stress in our relationship. I think I own four pairs of shoes, she could supply a small nation with her collection. There is rarely a day when she doesn’t shop and buy herself something. The clutter has me tearing my hair out at times. But it’s the money fear that is most troubling for me, and I admit, irrational.

I do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, so lavishing those treats on her doesn’t open any romantic gateways. We needed something else.

Somehow we came up with the fun idea that I would pay her for sex. The money she “earns” she is free to spend without me nagging her. She has never denied me sex, but it has put a little naughty fun into a stressful situation that many couples face.

I don’t know if our little arrangement will work for you, I’m just saying don’t be discouraged by the sexologists, find a way to keep sex alive in your relationship, even if you have to “pay” for it.

—by  Original Post on Good Men Project

Photo: Flickr/J.K. Califf

– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-pay-my-wife-for-sex-dg/#sthash.vtTU4kD8.dpuf