Warrior of the Goddesses Heart

I know what I want.
I know my desire.
I feel my heart yearning.
Calling for me to breathe,
breathe life back into it.
To not fear love.
Or to be loved.
To not belittle love,
offered at my doorway.

I hear my lovers words,
the sweetness they make,
the commitment they stand before,
the desire that erupts in them,
and the love.
The love that they are carried on.

I hear him share his heart,
I feel his soul hold space,
for me as I share in return.
I share my fear.
I share my struggle,
I share my desire.
And I want to run.

Can he be the one that can hold me?
Is he willing to really love me?
Or will he crumble
from my weight,
the weight of who I am
and all I want to become.

His words are nothing new to my ears.
Unfortunate tales that many a sailor in my feminine currents have sung before him.

They all long to be the one.
They long to capture my heart.

They enjoy my body,
they are intrigued by my mind,
they get lifted by my spirit,
but they know that the true battle,
the crusade is for my heart.

And it is a heart that has been scorned,
a heart that has been tossed away as it opened deeper.

My lover looks at me with loving eyes,
he aims to penetrate my soul,
he desires for me to feel his commitment,
his certainty,
he is confident that he can hold me
and dance in my fire.

His voice echos words of my past loves.
He shares he does not want me to change.
He does not want to control me.
That he,
yes he can love me and I am not to much.

I feel his heart,
I hear his belief,
but these words are easy to say,
while you sit by the fire and get caught up in its mystery.
What will he do when my fire escapes its container?
What will he do when it desires to over take his heart?
When it burns,
burns in its glory,
in its beauty.

Sure he will enjoy its dance,
but will he be able to handle it being ignited?

Through time and space we dance,
we open and close.
I look away but for a second,
as I sense him leaning in.
My soul wants to be taken.
My heart wants to be penetrated.
But alas,
the fear conquers them.
It masks the emotions that beg to be seen,
and it makes me retreat.

Retreat once again,
I will.
Back into my lonely cave.
Where I feel safe.
Safe in my not having.
Safe in my not being seen,
if even for a bit longer.
Yet he still see’s me.
And I know this.
He leans in further,
his lips softly open,
he asks for a kiss.

My heart shakes,
it rumbles in fear and excitement.
For all it ever wants,
wants to be chased,
wants to be desired,
wants to be opened,
wants to not be given up on.

In its wanting,
he steps a bit further into the fire,
and proclaims his presence.
Asking for my depth.
Asking for my emotion.
Asking for my fire.

And so it is,
that I breathe in.
Just one breath,
just one perhaps.

And answer him in the only way I can,
in this moment.
This perfect moment of our lives.

“As you wish.”
Comes from my lips as we meet once again.

————————–————————–

To all those who have loved and lost,
loved deeper than they can ever share,
who have tasted true love and will never settle for anything less than.

To all those who have stood in the goddesses fire,
who have been burned, who have been mesmerized by its flames and desired to conquer it.

To all those who want to feel its ignition,
who believe that they can hold it.
And dance with it.

Much love to you this day.
Open yourselves to love,
as it is what makes you feel alive.
It births your soul into all it desires,
all it needs and can be.

And let yourself be seen.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

 

Allowing Your ORGASM.

Orgasm.
I love a good orgasm.
I crave a good orgasm.
I need so desperately a good orgasm.

How about you?

Lately I have been challenged though with orgasm.
And I am noticing that it is increasingly becoming more and more difficult for me to drop down and open up to ORGASM.

I find myself with my lover,
attempting to open up,
attempting to receive,
attempting to lean more in to all that he is offering me.

I know that my pleasure increases his pleasure.
I know that it is not his responsibility to get me to orgasm.

The reality is that ONLY I can give myself an orgasm.
I do not say this as to say that only I can “rub one out.”
No I mean that only I can give myself an orgasm by allowing it to happen.

So why am I preventing myself from this pleasure?
Why am I limiting my experience?

Fear.
An Issue with Worthiness.
An Issue with Trust.
An Issue with Self- Love and thus love in itself and even toward my partner.

Here is the reality of why one does not open to ORGASM.

Instead I find myself,
laying there closed off in frustration.

I find myself craving more,
but not asking for what I need or want in the moment.

I find myself not speaking about it in general.
I find myself a prisoner in my mind during sex.
Disconnected from my body,
disconnected from my sex.

Instead of spreading my whole being more open,
Instead of saying, “Hey, I need this touch… or this position.. or this time…this kiss.” I say nothing and go into analyzation of the mechanics of what is happening, of what is wrong with me, of a technique or I just find myself drifting off into some other place that is non sexy in my mind and getting lost there until a nerve is teased and brings me back to my body for a second.

Pretty disappointing.
Especially because my partner is being present, loving, supportive, taking his time and really applying himself to my pleasure.

I see all of his greatness.
I just cannot feel it.

And this reality has NOTHING to do with him,
and everything to do with me.

So here I sit after a ton of good sexing,
with female blue balls. ( Yes that is a thing, us ladies get blue balls just like men. And we get bitchy as hell from it.)

I sit here after a bunch of good sexing,
frustrated, throbbing, achy, moody, disappointed in myself, tired and in fear.

Fear of sharing my truth.
Fear of what is going on with me inside my heart and mind.
I know my body is fine, my heart and mind though are struggling to open back up to love and connection and feel overwhelmed from all the stresses of life.
Fear of what my lover may think or feel if I share my truth.

With all of that shared, I KNOW the path I must take.
And if you are challenged with finding your ORGASM as well,
if you are experiencing a moment like what I am,
where you are having good sex,
with a good partner,
and you are enjoying the sex,
you just are NOT GETTING THERE.
You just DO NOT FEEL the release.
The CONNECTION.
The ORGASM.
But it is still good.

Then listen up!

Take it from someone who has been educating and coaching on SEX and ORGASM for the last decade and can be multi- orgasmic.

If you are feeling non-orgasmic and wonder will I ever get through this?

If you are questioning what is wrong with me?

You can get through it.
You can access your “O”
You can feel again.

The steps to pleasure are not about a better stroke.
Are not about deeper penetration.
Are not about more sex.

What you have to do is simple but not easy.

LET GO.
OPEN UP YOUR HEART.
GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

Stop focusing on the mechanics of sex.
Sex for us women is so very much more than mechanics.
We will NEVER access true orgasm if we are just focusing in on our genitals and the mechanics.

ORGASM is not about the “in and out”

It is about the CONNECTION.
First to self.
Then to partner.

It is a meditation.
It requires us to let go of our fears, our concerns,
our thoughts about everything else.

And JUST BECOME ONE
with our PUSSY.

As we open our hearts and soul in our sex,
we open our pussy’s ability to feel more,
to experience more.

This WILL REQUIRE our love of self,
and our understanding that we are WORTHY of pleasure and of LOVE.

We must support our ORGASM by asking for what we need.
By guiding in love our partners hands, mouths, cocks and attention.

We cannot just LAY THERE.
No.
If you craving ORGASM the way that I am, then you have to COMMIT to CLAIMING IT.

You have to ASK for IT.
DEMAND IT.

Therefore it is high time BABY,
that you speak up.
Show if you have too.
Try new things.
Get PLAYFUL.
OPEN YOURSELF.

Stop beating yourself up for not having an ORGASM.
For feeling like a shitting partner, because you cannot achieve what you and your partner both want for you,

but instead OPEN to it.

IT IS TIME YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
KNOW YOU ARE WORTH IT.

WORTH IT ALL!

No one else can do this for you.
No one else can get you to open up.
To receive.
To ORGASM.

And here is just one more reality ladies,
When you finally open to the “O” between your legs,
and it comes from your core, not the mechanics of sex.

You will be on the path to EMBRACING YOUR LIFE “O”
as well.

You will start to tap into ALL OF YOUR beautiful abundance.
You will STEP INTO YOUR POWER.

Your Goddess.
She awaits you.
She is you.

“The Goddess between my legs, makes mouths water.” – Rupi Kaur

May your rivers flow endlessly.

And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

Pull Your F-cking Head Out of Your Ass and Get a Life of Your F-cking Own Syndrome

It has been a VERY long day.
One where I have spent the entire day avoiding my hormones,
avoiding my desire to just scream,
and cry, and bitch about everything.
 
Originally, I was going to write about starting your day with orgasm, and how wonderful that is. I thought that would be a wonderful share as I had a great night of some good sexing and woke up this morning turned on and even masturbated.
 
So orgasm was strong in my body.
However, my day quickly turned gears.
I found myself battling for the space to just write in my daily journal for about 4 hours.
 
The distractions came from everyone in my life.
My period not helping me hold back my frustration.
I felt on edge ALL stinking day.
 
Keeping in mind the wise parenting advice that I have held near and dear for 23 years of being a mom,
 
” Pick your battles.”
 
So here I am at midnight,
after a day of picking my battles and getting distracted.
 
Here I am FINALLY writing this brief tid bit of rawness.
 
And what am I sharing on this evening?
I am sharing on an extremely important topic.
One that I believe is one of the BIGGEST issues in relationship today.
 
My day has been a day that was filled with it.
Multiple sources brought it to me.
I had to breathe through it many times today.
As I was focused on , “picking my battles.”
 
This though is an on going battle in my home and life and perhaps for you it may be in your’s as well.
 
I AM NOT AND CANNOT BE YOUR EVERYTHING.
NOR DO I WANT TO.
 
Yes here ya go folks.
Here is my share.
 
Do you feel like your partner,
your lover,
your friend,
your sibling,
or any other relationship
 
needs to be your everything?
 
Maybe you are on the same side as me on this topic and you feel like you are being expected to be someone’s everything.
 
It’s f-cking exhausting isn’t it?
There is no freaking’ way that any of us can do this for another.
 
yet so often this is the issue in our relationships.
We get into a relationship with someone,
and we make them our everything.
we loose our individuality.
we stop going out alone or with others,
we dedicate our every breath to this other person,
and when they don’t reciprocate,
we get pissed.
we feel hurt.
we wonder why we are not good enough, ‘or why they don’t care.
After all we have done so much for them,
why can’t they just see that and appreciate it?
 
why can’t they just let go of everything else in their world and make us their #1?
 
It’s just not fair.
It’s always us getting hurt.
 
In steps JEALOUSY.
In steps our need to control.
We have to control this situation, or we will not feel loved,
seen, appreciated.
 
We have to point to all those things that are taking our desired relationship away from us.
 
Making it hard for us to connect.
Making it hard for them to see us.
 
So we push a little harder.
We beg a little more.
We stomp our feet, slam doors, and act like we are three again.
We retract our love to show them what they are missing.
We wave our pissed off flag around,
hoping that they will notice,
 
But they just seem to carry on without us.
Or they cave and let our juvenile ways win for now.
 
So they smile.
So they say sweet things.
So they comfort us one more time,
putting our fears of loosing them to the side temporarily.
 
But then God dang it.
They turn right back around,
like nothing happened.
Like our pain was never there,
and MOTHER F-CKER.
 
They go back out with those other people.
They laugh and enjoy life on their own,
They just keep moving through their day,
as though we are not here.
 
JEALOUSY.
The sad truth in this tale is that the fear of loosing the relationship is most certainly going to happen when someone keeps pushing and suffocating another like this.
 
The truth is, that any relationship needs to be based in authentic desire to be in relationship with us.
 
It needs to be based on individuals who are not needy to the point of suffocating each other.
Have lives of their own, and come together to support and compliment each other in life.
 
If you are loosing yourself in a relationship.
if you are feeling needy to the point of jealousy.
If you are pissed off at the other individual for being just that, an individual.
If you are pissed off at the other individual for not making you their #1 in everything, or dropping other relationships for you.
 
Then you may be suffering from , ” Pull Your F-cking Head Out of Your Ass and Get a Life of Your F-cking Own Syndrome.”
 
This syndrome has some key symptoms:
* You cannot let the other person be alone without you for more than 10 minutes.
* You always make your opinion supportive to what the other’s is or might be.
*You try to hard to please the other person ALL THE TIME.
* You are fearful of being yourself or stating your truth to the other.
* You will change who you are to make sure you don’t loose the relationship.
* You get upset about the person having or doing things with others, even though you smile and tell them its okay.
* You cannot go and do much of anything without the other person, and you don’t want to.
 
 
This syndrome causes relationship breakup when you try to take over a non-codependent person’s life with it.
 
If you are like me,
then this sort of syndrome makes you want to run the other direction.
 
Drop the person like a hot potato.
And count your blessings that you caught it in time.
 
In my personal opinion there is not much more unattractive then this syndrome.
 
If you are a person suffering from this syndrome,
well I am sorry.
 
Truly I am.
It is time to put on your BIG KID panties and realize that healthy relationships DO NOT operate like this.
 
It is time for you sweet soul, to learn who you are.
Get right with JUST BEING YOU.
Learn to love you.
And start to enjoy life,
which means to have more than JUST ONE in your life.
 
We are human beings and we are built for community.
We need relationships.
 
Multiple relationships.
We need to get our needs met in many ways and by multiple sources ( people).
 
NO ONE CAN BE SOMEONE ELSE’S EVERYTHING!!!!
This is putting an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation on the relationship and on the person.
 
If you claim to care about the relationship
about the other person,
about you,
 
Then go get your shit in order.
get a life of your own,
and STOP EXPECTING anything from anyone.
 
ESPECIALLY THAT THEY ARE YOUR EVERYTHING.
 

And as always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

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I am the girl you love.

I am the girl.
I am that girl.
You know the one.
The one that makes your heart beat faster.
The one that makes you smile.
The one that makes you want to be more in this world.

I am the girl.
I am that girl.
You know who I am.
I am the one that takes your breath away,
in the darkest of hours.
I am the one who envelopes you,
in the moments of passion.
I am the one who holds you,
when you don’t want to show your pain.

I am the girl that you fall in love with.
I am everything.
I am nothing.
I am your sun and moon.
I am your darkest hour.
I am the one that makes you desire more,
I am the one that you fear.

You want all of me.
You love my spirit.
You love my heart.
You love the way I view the world.
You love my playfulness.
You love my passion.
You love my mind.
You love all of me.

Or so you believe…

I am too wild for you.
Your heart know’s this.

I am too much to hold on to.
You can not tame me.
You claim that you do not want to.

I am that girl.
I am that girl you love.
I am that girl that you love to love.
That you fear to love.

I am the girl of your dreams.
I am the girl of your nightmares.
I am the girl of your fantasies.
I am the girl that will make you feel your world.
I am the girl that will NOT settle.

Untameable.
Unstoppable.

I am the one that you desire,
to hold close all night.

You desire to know me deeper.
You desire to see my worst side,
because you know that it will just make you love me more.
You desire to penetrate me at all levels,
you want to taste of all my streams and valleys,
You want to climb deeper into my heart,
higher into my spiritual caverns,
You want to feel me.

Throughout.
Our flesh,
is not enough.

No.
You desire more.

I am the girl that cannot give this to you.
I am not able to give you what you desire.
I cannot give it.
I will never give it.

I am the girl that you fall in love with.
I am the one that makes you want to devour me.
You never want to leave me.
You will ALWAYS come back in hopes for more.

It is not there for you.
Or anyone.
It is not something you can have.
You crave my soul.
You crave to own me.
You say, “No, I want to see you fly.”
You say, ” I love you.”
You say so many beautiful words.
I am the girl that you love.
I am the girl that you cannot have.
Not at the level that you desire.

I will not part with myself so that you can have me.
I will not loose myself, so you can find a false version of me.
It is my courage,
My passion,
My wisdom,
My sex.

You love them.
You hate them.
You are jealous of them.

You do not know me.
You never will.
You are blinded by the light,
the light that you desire to capture,
like a firefly in a jar,
I cannot allow it,
it will kill my soul.

You do not know me.
You believe that you do,
but if you did you would see your truth.

The truth of not having me.

I am the girl.
I am that girl.
You know the one.

I am the one that you love to love.
I am the one that you fear to love.
I am the one that makes you meet yourself.
Then smiles.
And say’s goodbye.

*For all the girl’s who make their partners meet themselves.
*For all the girls who never sell their souls for anything less than truth.
*For all the girls who are loved for their radiant light that can never be captured.

We see you.
I see you.
You are loved.
You are brilliant.
You are an initiator of the divine masculine.
Open your angel wings,
Hold your men up high.
Let them taste of your nectar.
Envelope them in your love.
And set them free.
Free to meet themselves.
To fly,
beside you.
Yes, You are that girl.

Goddess.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

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Faith To Be F*cked Wide Open

Sadness.

Joy.

Amazement.

Surrender.

I shudder at the thought of the release.

Where will I go from here?

Whom will I become?

My heart is holding so much, I can barely withstand the sensations some days as my mind wonders and I lose myself in thought. The images of times gone past that I long to repeat. I long to hold close to me, knowing that I must let them go. They are no longer my reality. They taught me a deeper level of who I am and who I want to be, but they are no longer with me. Just like I am no longer the person I was yesterday, those realities are no longer here. Life teaches us that you can hold on to nothing. You take nothing with you.

Not into the afterlife, not into the next moment.

Not truly that is.

Sure, we can move forward with all this material stuff. We bring with us, sentimental things as we call the items that we fear to let go of, because we are scared that if we let go of the physical items that somehow our memories will part with them. We carry with us the valuables, those things that we believe that will cost us to much replace or inconvenience us somehow. In truth even these items bear with them some form of attachment to our past realities.

We hold on.

We hold on with all the strength and logic that we can muster.

We hold on with all the ego that we can pretend to ignore.

We hold on with a hope that the realities of yesterday that we loved so much and lost, will come back to us in some magical fashion.

Fearing that they will never.

Knowing that they will never.

Yet we hold on.

Orphans to our past, strangers to our future.

We feel lost in this new paradigm, where we know not what direction to turn, where we feel every choice is wrong. Stepping forward on a path that we have not ever been and that we can not see before us.

Faith.

Faith is all that we need in this time. We know this. We claim to understand it.

It is what all the saints, enlightened ones and masters have told us for thousands of years to lean on. Faith is the key to,

Overcoming our sadness,

Finding our joy,

Awakening to our amazement,

Surrendering to God.

Jesus said all we need is the faith of a mustard seed.

Mustard seeds are effing small.

Have you ever seen a mustard seed?

They are small little brown seeds, one tenth the size of a pea.

That is all the faith we need to move a mountain Jesus claimed. So how do we do this?

My mountains are here before me and they do not appear to be moving, they are steady and strong. Their paths are treacherous and carry with them many changes, much exhaustion, ravenous wolves flock on the paths and chase me, the nights are cold, and the cliffs are steep. The crest that I long to reach is so far before me I cannot not see it.

I cannot picture it.

My map is smudged.

It is written in a language I cannot speak.

I am lost.

I cannot be lost though.

God is guiding me.

This is the pilgrimage of my soul.

The discovery of the me I have longed to meet so many lifetimes ago. Here I am.

Finally, I am meeting me.

I am meeting my soul.

My faith.

Faith of a mustard seed, but faith still. Just like Jesus said, it is all we need. And so that is what I will lean on. The trust that my faith is strong enough to conquer this mountain. Faith enough to meet myself on this pilgrimage and not run from my shadows, not run from my desires, not run from my heart but instead embrace myself.

I need embraced.

My arms are open wide.

My body is ready to receive.

To be penetrated and made love too.

I am ready to surrender.

Here I am in the arms of faith, waiting to be carried on the path,

I long to be carried to my highest point, where I touch the clouds, see the sun beams dancing on snow covered tips of mountains around me. I desire to feel the crisp cool air of a new life that awaits. To breathe it in and allow it to fill me.

Restore me.

Recover my soul.

Faith.

All we need is a little faith.

Faith in me.

Faith in God.

Faith in these shaky leg’s that they will carry me.

Tears may stream down my cheeks, my heart may race, my hand tremble,

Deep down I feel the presence that I crave.

I feel the presence of a Great lover,

It is no lover like I have ever experienced,

It is not a connection of two bodies,

It is not material, physical or superficial.

It is the penetration of my soul.

It is the lover who has always carried me over the thresholds of my existence.

Lifetime after lifetime, this lover is with me.

This lover never leaves me.

This lover is forever f*cking me wide open,

Deeper, softer, harder, longer.

This lover knows me inside and out and devours me.

Drinks in my orgasm as his own.

The rapture he offers me is more than I can share in words.

It is more than my physical body can take in.

It is bliss.

Yes, faith.

All we need is the faith of a mustard seed.

And we can open to a level of our soul,

Revealed in the arms of the greatest lover of our lives.

We can drop our guards and we can surrender.

Here, here is our life.

Our true life.

Sadness.

Joy.

Amazement.

Surrender.

I shudder at the thought of the release.

Where will I go from here?

Whom will I become?

 

 

It is up to me whom I become.

With every breath I breathe me in a little more.

With every stroke of my great lover, I feel me a little bit more.

With every, gaze into the greatness of this life, I see my life unfold.

And I smile.

I smile at the mystery,

At the joy,

At the lessons,

At the tears,

At the rapture.

Open.

Trusting and full of faith.

I am no longer being carried,

I am flying.

Wings open wide.

And you can too.

 

Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

www.kendalwilliams.com