Today Give Yourself Permission to Fall In Love.

Giving myself permission to fall in love while in isolation.

Such a beautiful opportunity to come back to self.

To come back to what matters most in this life

and to fully embrace all that I have not yet allowed to manifest.

Can you do the same?

Imagine a world that took this time of solitude,

this time of silence,

this time of moving slower and not rushing here and there,

as an opportunity to fall in love.

To fall in love with SELF first.

To fall in love with all your own little quirks and those things you find fault in.

To fall in love with the things that you find challenging.

To fall in love with your DESIRES.

To fall in love with your hopes and your dreams.

Imagine if you sat with all the things that you think about and made a plan as to what steps you needed to take to open the doorway to you creating the life that you want.

Imagine if you did not JUST THINK about the steps but actually took action on all the ones that you could RIGHT NOW.

Imagine if you looked at the person that you “wish” you could be and that you know that you must become in order to have this life you desire and started to implement just three to five things into your daily practice that would support you fully stepping into this person who calls in those dreams and desires with ease.

Imagine if you took this time to reconnect to YOU.

To step away from the habits that you use to buffer yourself from feeling your truth.

Imagine if you looked past the things that you use to not feel and instead give yourself permission to feel your emotions, all of them.

Imagine if you allowed yourself to do some deep dive inquiry work with yourself to learn who you are right now and what your interests are without the expectations, needs or desires of others.

Imagine if you took some time today and each day to appreciate your body for supporting you the way that it does.

Imagine if you took time each day to connect to the people that you claim matter most to you.

Imagine if you slowed down even more,

and took time without any noise to really appreciate the sky.

The tree’s. The breeze. The sunshine. Nature.

Imagine if you took this time to learn something new.

Imagine if you took this moment that God is offering you and instead of focusing on the fear that the world is stuck in,

YOU…

YES YOU…

Realize your power.

Imagine what your life today could be like.

What your tomorrow would feel and look like.

Imagine with me now, a world of individuals doing just this.

Participating in a mass healing of consciousness.

A mass healing of embodiment.

A mass healing of self-love and appreciation.

A mass healing of community.

Because a better you,

is a better us,

is a better world.

But in order for this to be a real thing,

we each must do our part.

We must stop giving it only lip service and instead take action.

We must move forward with clarity in self.

This is how we turn the chaos into beauty.

Into peace.

But you must do your part, love.

You must know your worth,

know your value to today and to this world.

Knowing that in your actions,

your thoughts,

your embodiment,

you let your light be shown,

and with each light that ignites the darkness will be replaced with radiance.

We are a chosen people.

We are a people blessed by the hands of the creator.

We are a people that walk in the footsteps of greatness.

And how we progress forward is based on the choices that we each make.

SO if you think you have no power or say in the days and events to come,

THINK AGAIN.

You are the power.

You are the choice.

So live today in Self-Love and Awareness.

Dare to do something unique.

Dare to embody the self.

And As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Now accepting applications for 1:1 coaching.

Learn how you can let go of that that causes you stress and fear and truly create the life that you’ve always wanted for.

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Photo credit to Photographyinwonderland.

The Reason You Are Feeling Lost In Life & Love.

You wouldn’t do what I did.

Or would you?

 

Some would believe that they would do it.

Some would state with certainty even that they would.

Others would say well, I would do some of that,

but is all of it really necessary?

And others would simply drop their head and say, ” I wish I had the courage.”

 

And at the end of the day,

perhaps 1% would actually do what I have done.

 

And what is this that I am even speaking of?

Self-realization.

 

This is spoken of in many self-growth paths.

Spiritual teachers of all time have told of the importance of becoming self- actualized.

 

But what does it mean?

Why is it so important?

And how do we go about achieving it?

 

Self-actualization refers to the achievement of one’s potential while self-realization refers to the achievement of one’s personality.

 

We must become self-realized to become actualized.

To truly understand ourselves, we must gain a grander scope of our personality. Something that many people today avoid, change to fit in with those around them and even fully abandon so that  they can feel accepted. Creating a void within themselves and a distancing from their truth.

 

We must get right with our personality.

Our true personality that is.

Not the mask we wear.

 

And once we have done that then we can move forward and work on self-actualized.

 

Now we can have what would appear to be a successful life from the outside world. We can achieve fortune, family, health and experience.  But if it is not achieved from a state of our truth then we will forever feel lost and empty.

 

Never truly happy.

We will remain in the void of who we were born to be and the potential of our SOUL.

 

So how do we become self-realized?

In short we have to step out of our comfort of the masks that we wear.

 

If we are to discover who we truly are we have to STOP being dependent on others for our safety, our happiness, our feeling of connectedness, worthiness, purpose, etc.

 

We have to start to learn ourselves.

 

And here is where I confidently state,

You wouldn’t do what I did.

 

I recall the time frame that I moved into my rebirth of self.

It was a time that my soul decided that I needed to realize who I truly was outside of everything that I had become for the world around me.

 

And with this I went on a mission to great measures to learn myself.

 

I knew that if I kept acting, speaking, thinking and doing the way that I had been for this time,

that my life results would never change.

I would remain lost in who I was.

I would continue to feel empty.

I would continue to search.

 

So I went on a mission of self-discovery.

I dove deep into my shadow lands.

I faced anything that scared the crap out of me.

I genuinely looked at my relationships,

all of them.

I asked if they truly made me happy or if I felt like I was just serving the other people so that I did not get abandoned?

 

I asked if I was living the life that I truly wanted?

Knowing  that I was not.

My family life was not in harmony.

My health was having challenges.

My sex sucked.

My intimate relationship was not even a friendship any longer.

My finances were lacking.

 

I was struggling in every department.

And ignoring it and thinking that just putting my head down and pushing through was not working any longer.

Instead I was suffocating.

 

I had to make a change.

I had to know my truth.

And so I pushed my boundaries.

I stepped off the curb of life that I had myself on and I walked with blind faith into the uncharted territory of ME.

 

In this moment what I discovered was the very fact that I had been guilty of self-abandonment for my entire adult life.

 

I had fully stepped away from me.

And this was the only step I needed to take to become in alignment to my true personality.

Speak from a place of my authentic YES/NO.

 

This was the empowerment I was needing.

This was the learning of my true likes/dislikes.

This was where I found my courage.

It was where I realized my own style of genius.

It was the land of ME.

Without excuse.

 

And guess what formed from this space?

Self- actualization.

 

Through no longer abandoning myself for others wishes,

for no longer ignoring my truth,

for no longer leaning on others to tell or prove to me that I was lovable, worthy, beautiful, etc. I also tapped into my SOUL.

I danced with divine inspiration,

and the more I allowed myself to just be me,

feel me and do me,

the moree inspired thought came,

and the more inspired action happened,

and the more I felt my full potential being achieved.

 

Today, I know when I get into phases of my life where I am feeling bored, lost or indifferent that all I am being guided to become aware of is that I have leaned out of this state of self-actualization and that in order to step back into it,

I need just look at where I am looking for the outside world to feed me instead of turning inward and KNOWING MYSELF in the now.

 

Because we are ever changing.

We are evolving,

and we must not abandon this new version of who we are in this moment just because it presents a different desire, a different view or feeling about life, love, or anything.

 

By receiving our new version of self,

we put worth on it.

Thus realizing our worthiness for the life that we have and the life that we are creating.

 

Where have you abandoned yourself?

If you are feeling lost in life, in love or any subject of life, it is time to ask this of yourself and to realize that you soul is requesting you to step out of the comforts of what is no longer serving you and embrace the magic of the unknown.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Reach out to me for 1:1 or group coaching to move into the life that you want and learn how you can once and all be YES to you.

I Would Do ANything For Love! – But, I Won’t Do THAT.

I would do anything for love!

But, I won’t do THAT.

 

Just like the song,

so our relationships unwind.

We have these THINGS in relationship that we refuse to do,

and some with good reason,

some because they are personal boundaries,

some because it is totally self-sacrificial to do and will only create far worse repercussions than saying, “No.”

 

Relationships are most certainly not about one partner always caving to the other.

It is not about always getting what you want.

Relationships are not about even making you feel happy, safe or comfortable.

Love just an FYI, is not about comfort.

Or getting what we want.

 

It is about getting what we need.

And when we think about what we need,

it is not that we “need” the other person to act, do, be some specific way for us.

No the “need” that relationship provides, is the support for us to  expand and grow into who we truly are as souls.

Therefore, often us getting what we need will feel like a challenge in the relationship.

It will feel uncomfortable.

It will feel testing, scary even and we will feel pushed to breathe into events and moments with our partner.

We will be asked to face our internal structures and inquire,

 

“Is this true?”

 

Is this really how I feel or am I living according to societal structures that have been put on me?

 

Am I leaning into my fear right now? or am I truly coming from my truth?

 

Love is testing.

 

Love will require us to have courage.

To have blind faith.

To open the door to trust.

And to evolve our beliefs.

 

So often though, we address love differently.

We tell our beloveds that we are:

 

👉Unconditional in our love – when in fact it is built on conditions.

👉That we would do “ANYTHING” for them – when in fact that means anything within my comfort box only, ask me to push myself a little into uncharted waters, well forget about that, I won’t do it.

👉That we want for their happiness no matter the cost – when in fact we require that happiness to fit into the picture that we have painted instead of holding space for what our partner actually needs

👉That we want them to grow, to be empowered, feel safe – when in fact yet again we only want this IF it is how we perceive that to be, NOT PUSHING US OUT OF COMFORT.

👉That we want to support them, help them achieve their dreams and become so much – when in fact even though that sounds great and groovy, we are not willing or understanding that if our partner chooses to grow and be all that, that it will require us as well to step in and do the same if we desire to keep the relationship.  If one partner grows and the other does not, then the relationship WILL end.

👉That we want them to heal – I love this one. Over almost two decades I have sat with thousands of couples who proclaim how they desire their partner to heal. How they just want the best life for them, for them to not live in the emotional/psychological and event physical pain/trauma anymore. But when faced with the road it will require to get their partner there, they instead choose to shame, guilt, even abandon and divorce. Proclaiming that they can’t do that. They cannot support that sort of healing and there has to be some other way.

 

Many years ago,

I had a lovely couple come to me.

I will never forget their consultation…

The man sat there,

so wild eyed and excited about the possibilities that laid before them as a couple.

He spoke of his desire to support his wife to become empowered,

to tap into her feminine energy again as their polarities were out of whack and she was more the man then he,

he excitedly shared how he wanted deep intimacy with her,

how he wanted to have connective sex again,

and have her into it.

He wanted her to have less stress in life and with family and that he wanted the opportunity to support her here as well,

he wanted her to have passion for life,

purpose in something she loved,

and of course he wanted her to be the sexual goddess that he knew was in there.

 

They signed up for my couple’s coaching and so the process began to “fix” his wife….lol

 

No such thing as fixing your partner people.

There is only unveiling and that is something only they can do for themselves.

 

The coaching process is about offering tools and guidance to achieve and support someone in their efforts to rebirth themselves.

 

That’s all.

No fixing.

 

Anyway, they became my clients and we started doing the deep awakening work to help them and her get the results that they wanted.

 

Fast forward 18 months,

I met with the couple and she was now glowing, radiant and happy, laughing and so full of life.

Where once I looked into eyes that were lost, empty and on the cusp of death of soul, with no ability to answer clearly anything or speak her truth,

now sat a woman on fire for life.

 

I looked at him,

He was still bubbly and happy in appearance.

He was still supporting her,

but he too was different.

He had, had an awakening of his own.

and was still in his desire to assist his beloved to heal and grow,

to come out of her shell, ‘to see her own worth and radiate the beauty that she had,

that he had to take on the mission to become the man that could hold that space for her.

Meaning he had to rebirth himself as well.

He had to face his inner demons head on,

and get real with the fact that he was not good often with what it was being required of him and them to get her to where she was going.

 

I watched this couple struggle for three years with this birthing process.

They came close a few times to divorce and throwing the towel in.

He weeped to me in session repeatedly about how he just could not support what she was doing.

He swore that it was not okay.

That if she loved him, that she would stop doing these things to him.

And yet, he saw her more radiant than ever before.

He saw her thriving.

But her thriving, (well what it took to get her there) went against almost EVERY cellular belief structure that this man had about life, relationship, marriage, men, women, love,and healing.

 

Now this couple is a success story,

he stuck it out.

She stuck it out.

They pushed through and each expanded, grew as individuals and challenged themselves to reprogram the beliefs that were holding them back in so many areas.

 

And today when I check up on them a decade or so later they are deeply in love, happy, connected and have gotten there because they chose LOVE.

 

They chose each other and they chose to not get stuck in the quicksand of old habits, fears and societal beliefs.

 

That being said,

This is not the case for most relationships proclaiming that they would do anything for love.

 

Most relationships are like the Meatloaf song.

 

They will do anything for love, but they won’t do THAT.

 

THAT thing that the song speaks of is different for all,

yet the same.

 

THAT is fear.

THAT is ego.

THAT is getting out of the box of comfort.

THAT is letting go of the concept that controlling our beloveds actions through our fear and not opening up to the possibilities of “What if, or maybe…”

 

Yes most relationships,

won’t do THAT.

 

Instead they will finger point,

blame and guilt, shame and play victim.

They will turn things around and say,

“But if YOU loved me then you would not need to do/be/act that way.”

They refuse to let go of past,

they refuse to compromise,

they refuse to just love their partner and trust in them,

and in God/Universe.

 

Most relationships opt for supporting old patterns of sabotage and trauma.

Supporting their triggers around abandonment,

around need instead of love.

 

And they try to force their beloveds hand, heart and life back into that comfortable little box that feels so good.

The logical mind in these moments support with tons of evidence as to why you want to keep that box,

it tells us why the growth,

The change is so dangerous.

And so the mission of saving self,

saving themselves from a feeling of discomfort,

turns into war with partner,

guilting and often separation.

 

My question to you today sweet reader,

is if you would do anything for love,

and you fear that by doing THAT thing that causes your heart to feel like it may stop beating if you do,

but your beloved is asking it of you so they can become full again, healed, and who they really are, so they can find their truth,

if THAT thing in your mind is going to kill the relationship,

but you saying “NO I won’t do that for love” will certainly kill the relationship, or you would rather opt for the death of relationship then doing THAT thing…

 

Then why not,

I mean let’s just go out on a limb here today….

 

Why not at least DO THAT THING and see where it takes you?

 

Worst case scenario is that you land where you were willing to go anyway.

 

Call me crazy,

but if you truly love and not need the person and the relationship,

then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in exploring this life a bit and expanding yourself and your relationship through the support of your beloved.

 

What would you do for love?

 

As Always,

stop Existing & Start living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Enjoy these musings and free coaching? Want to level up your relationship? Expand into love and heal your past beliefs that are no longer serving your life?

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Why Women Don’t Trust Men.

Tears that cannot be seen are still tears felt.
 
Often I meet people in some of the most difficult spaces of their lives.
They come to me in thier wounding,
in their fear,
in their bitterness and revenge.
Trauma masks them from their truth.
They are lost.
And with thier lostness they have comfort.
 
It is this way for anyone who has experienced pain.
And the pain much of the time is rooted in our thoughts of ego,
which continues to trap us in a nasty loop of past fears, thoughts, feelings and expereinces.
Due to this loop we feel comfort, but we never feel fulfilled or happy as well.
 
Abandonment is one of the the major culprits to this pain.
To these tears that are unseen.
 
Abandonment happens when we least expect it too, does it not?
 
Last night I was having a discussion with a close friend about this very topic. We sat over a bottle of guava rum and had some deep dives into vulnerable shares around relationships and how we could each see a pattern in our past relationships with men. The men that touched us in such a power way, the one’s who openned our hearts, expanded our thinking and taught us incredible lessons about our lives and who we are as women.
 
I sat there and shared about the four past relationships that I find most significant and that I can say that three of them I was deeply and still am today even (if I am real with you and I in this moment) in love with. These men awakened the woman that I am today. And I am ever grateful for them blessing my life as they had.
 
All four of these relationships, professed their undying love for me.
They all asked me to marry.
They all went deep into my heart and soul and penetrated me like no other. Each built on the one before,
taking me into new relams of love.
Oh the stories I could share, and have in other musings.
These four men,
they changed my world forever and taught me to love.
 
They also crushed me in ways that I am sure none of them ever intended of.
Their words of, ” I will fight for you.” – ” I love you unconditionally and want nothing more than your happiness.” – “I can see forever with you.” – “I would NEVER do anything to hurt you.” – You are my world.”
 
Yes, these words as if from a storybook romance,
so lovely, so enticing.
So real for the moment they were spoken,
were the words that also crushed me after a period of time.
 
These words became poison and what they all loved – me,
they tried to kill in their own way by severing through retraction, removal, disposal and even physically action down the road of our relationship.
 
Now, here is the thing I want you to get from this musing:
Was there pain? yes.
Is there still pain? In moments, yes.
But I am more in gratitude than pain at this point, some of these relationship I speak of were from 20 years past even.
Some just a few years back.
It is the lessons, the patterns that I see and want to share with you today.
 
All four men chose to say good bye.
All four shared this pattern in that good bye,
the pattern of not speaking their integrity.
 
They chose to hide from me,
from thier hearts truth.
They chose to lie to my face day in and day out,
even when I inquired directly about what I was feeling from them.
They chose to run and hide instead of face me and say goodbye with clarity and heart.
They chose to abandon.
And this lack of integrity,
caused unfinished business between us,
and shame for them.
They supported my programs of:
 
” I am not good enough.”
“I am unlovable.”
” I am disposable like trash.”
“I am not worthy of true love or even truth.”
“I am not worthy to have someone fight for me.”
“I cannot trust men.”
“I am not safe.”
 
What I see often in my couples work with clients are all these programed statements and beliefs in women and the men not underestanding why she feels this way or what he has done to cause it.
 
I tell you sweet men of the world,
it is your lack of integrity.
 
When you do not stand in your truth to your core,
when you waiver,
when you hide like a little boy behind your mother’s skirts,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you tell us that all is well, when it is not,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you take without care,
demand that she gives you her sex, her heart, her smile even though she is not a yes,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you do not stand in her fire but instead try to coddle and fix,
father, shame, guilt, or teach,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you shut down your heart to hide from us,
when you close off and retract your love through ignoring,
you support these fears of the feminine.
 
When you promise what you have no right to promise,
making firm statments of forever,
preaching your unconditional, undying devotion without the understanding of what you are actually saying,
you support these fears of the feminine.
 
And most of all…
when that moment comes,
if it does,
when you know that she is not the one,
you choose to say goodbye as a coward,
without an eye to eye meeting of the hearts,
when you ghost,
go distant and even turn it into her fault because you are not man enough to stand in your truth,
 
Yes my sweet men of the world….
HERE, here you create these fears of the feminine.
 
The advice I have for you,
is simple.
 
Realize that abandonment does not happen at the moment that you choose to walk away,
your abandonment happened long before,
it was in the very first stages of your lack of integrity.
When you chose to not speak it and be it,
you abndoned not just her,
you banadoned yourself as well.
And this is why she cannot trust.
This is why she cannot surrender.
This is why you will find yourself repeating the same issues with a different women in your life.
 
If you want to have your woman fully,
learn to stand true in who you are.
Even if you do not have an answer for her in a moment,
or unable to fix what has gone astray,
if you feel lost in your emotions,
speak just that sweet man.
 
“My integrity in this moment, is that I don’t know.”
 
Whatever your truth may be,
she will respect and love you for it,
if she knows that she can trust you.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Message me for deet’s on learning how to create an authentic relationship based in love, integrity and desire.
*Photoe credit to www.photographyinwonderland.com

I Destroyed My Relationship by Being Selfless.

I looked at him and said,
” I am super selfish!”
 
Following it up with,
“If you were around me more, you would see how rude I can be. How abrupt, focused and determined to do what I feel is best for self. And you most likely would not like it much and may not like me as much as well.”
 
He shook his head in disagreement,
he chuckled and said, ” I know how rude you can be, and how stubborn you are. I have witnessed it.”
 
True, anyone who has been around me for any amount of time has witnessed my stubborness, has tasted my rudness and abruptness. And they may even think that I was just being clueless or unpresent in some of the “selfish acts” that they have expereinced with me.
 
In truth,
I was far from clueless of what I was doing.
I was making a statement of action with the clarity and love for self that was needed.
 
I was deliberatly putting my feelings first.
I was deliberatly stating my truth,
even at the cost of potentially not giving someone else what they wanted.
 
And this most certainly may not always feel good to the one who is being denied.
 
But in truth,
the selfish act of stating your authentic yes or no is one of the most loving things we can offer ourselves and another. We are caring far more for the relationship and for the outcome (long term) then to just bow down and “give” what the other wants when it is out of alignment with who we are.
 
Let me tell you an intimate tale….
 
Many years ago I was married. I was with a man who claimed he loved me and in his own way did and still does and I him. However, in our relationship we were both unhappy, empty and lost and we did not understand this or what was causing it.
Our sex was average at best.
He wanted it.
I did not.
But I gave it to him a few times a month to “keep him happy” as we were married and that is what a “good wife” is to do.
 
So the sex was based on my duty to care for my man’s physical needs and make him feel good,
make him feel like I desired him,
desired the sex,
that he was being the man.
So I faked it.
I gasped and moaned,
I drank a few glasses of wine to loosen up and “get in the mood.”
 
And I hated him and me for it.
Every time I said yes to please him and I was actually a no,
I was raping myself.
I was detroying our relationship,
and the love that we had for each other.
In my efforts to be selfless and do what I thought was best and good for us and for him,
I tore myself apart.
And the more I died inside,
the more depressed, exhausted and empty I felt.
And the more anxious, stressed, and angry I became.
 
So I drank more wine.
Masking my feelings,
masking my needs and trying ever harder to get in the mood.
What mood was I getting into in truth.
The mood of victim.
The mood of selfless.
The mood of “I know, let’s rape ourselves! Let’s tell a lie about our truth. And say YES when we mean NO.”
 
Over and over again for years this plauged our relationship and my whole being.
 
I would say yes to whatever he wanted.
Blow jobs, sure even though I hated his scent and taste and cried through them.
Anal sex, sure… even though it felt like I was being torn apart in the act and hurt for a week to follow, even bleeding from my ass and fearful of the damage.
I remember him telling me that when I wrapped my legs around him that it made it virtually impossible for him to hold back his climax because it was such a feeling of me pulling him in and wanting him,
funny, this was the last thing I was wanting or feeling.
But I leaned on this information to get him off quicker so that my pain would be over sooner.
 
I was such a good wife.
Taking care of his physical needs like that.
Taking responsibility of his emotions and boosting his ego like that.
Yes, he would have been destroyed if I had spoken my truth of not wanting it.
 
He would have been destroyed to know that I had not had an orgasm for years.
 
And that would be down right selfish of me and wrong,
hurtful even to tell my truth like this.
 
Right?
 
Well, like I said…
A long time ago I “WAS” (past tense) married.
 
I destroyed our marriage with my selflessness.
As do so many people.
 
To be selfish is to love the self enough to speak our truth.
To be selfish is to be in alignment with the self,
and to know that when we are in alignment to our core,
we are also in alignment to what is ultimatly needed for all involved.
 
Selflessness makes us a marter.
It destroys who we are because we loose ourselves.
We end up starving ourselves and have nothing to offer this world.
 
Now, I can hear some out ther stating,
“Yeah thats great Kendal, but what do you do if your truth and another person’s truth are opposite?”
 
This is where you have to sit down and have some truth talks.
You have to lean into these difficult conversations and realize that sometimes we are at an impass. Sometimes, we have to ask ourselves the difficult questions of,
 
👉“Is this thing I am calling my truth TRUE?”
 
👉“Is there some other way that I can get my needs met?”
 
👉“Can we agree to disagree and still be friends/lovers/etc?”
 
👉“How important is it to me to get this other person to do what I want? And what do I feel I will benefit from it or that we will benefit from it?”
 
Realize this…
At the end of the day,
you WILL do one of three things…
 
1. Get your way at the cost of anothers well-being and happiness, or
2.Let someone else have their way with you and you in turn hold bitterness, resentment, trauma and hatred toward them and yourself.
3. Get your truth spoken and hear anothers truth, unconditionally without expectation.
 
One of these three is love based.
The other two are ego, control, fear and conditional based.
 
What do you choose?
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Looking for how you can create or manifest an authentic relationship based on unconditional love instead of need and fear? Reach out to me for 1:1 and group coaching and workshops today. I work with people all over the world.

So You Think You Can Poly? Why so many monogamous couple’s are turning toward open relationship.

So you think you can poly?
You think you can do open relationship?

Right now I have a bunch of couples coming to me with the desire to open their relationship up.
I have a bunch of singles who desire to get into an open relationship as well.
What’s up with all the openness?

I will tell you what’s up with all the openness…
Open relationships are effing amazing!
They are built on an unconditional love and acceptance that most monogamous relationships could only ever dream of.
Open relationships when done right,
are all about each partner giving themselves and each other the permission and support to explore who they really are and to get their needs and desires met how they feel fit without the fear of loosing their primary partner.
Open relationships encourage each partner to truly work on themselves and move through their limiting belief structures,
through their fear based needs and ideas around jealousy and control equalling love.

Open relationships are hardly ever about the sex.
Although sex is a big part of the relationship guidlines and agreements,
sex is never what it is ultimatly about.
And here is why…

Anyone can go get laid pretty easily.
If you are a female,
there is free, easy to get sex around every corner, no matter your age, looks or anything else.
If you are man, yeah it can certainly be a bit harder ( no pun intended..lol- okay maybe intended)
but at the end of the day if you truly desire it and have a bit of confidence then there is a chick who will hand it over pretty easily.

So sex is not difficult to get.
But thats just friction based, empty sex.
There is nothing too it.
No heart, no soul, no connection.
Its just skin rubbing skin ending with a pump, pump ooohhh, goo, moment.

And that is most likely part of the problem in the primary relationship that triggered this whole idea to open the relationship to start.

Heartless, quick, empty, friction based sex on one side or both.

Opening up the relationship is because one partner if not both feels lost in who they are.
They are starving to be seen, felt and understood.
They are hungry for a deep orgasm.
And that deep orgasm can only come about with care,
with some feelings attached to the person they are dancing with.
Or else, its pointless.
It’s empty and in truth sorta traumatizing to the mental and emotional houses.

Opening up is about realizing that not all connection is equal.
Realizing that NO ONE person will ever, or can ever fill all of our needs. That when we are closed that we will live out our lives only meeting one aspect of self as well.
When we open, it is more about us meeting all the facets of who we are, then about getting laid or having an orgasm.
Opening up is about allowing yourself to breathe into self,
to explore different venues of the mind, the emotions, the physical body.

If you have had sex with more than one person in your life,
then you can pause a moment and think about the different ways each partner made you feel. You can think about how you reacted, conversed differently with each person. How each person, taught you new things about life, or revealed different likes or thoughts, even personalities of the self.

This is why people open.
We grow weary and bored with the self.
We become numb to all this beauty we hold in ourselves,
and we forget who we are.
Our candles grow dim and we need someone to strike a match and help light us up again to all the treasure we have within.

A person who lives in fear of loosing their partner prevents themselves and their partner from ever authentically showing up in the relationship or in the sex. Fear creates an energy of neediness,
fear creates a desire to control outcomes,
and a belief that if our partner loved us truly then they would always put us first.
After all we are the primary partner.
We are the significant other.
We are the life mate.

In truth, the relationship that must hold center stage for any person,
is the relationship with self.
And when we choose to disregard the relationship with self,
we close ourselves to all we have to offer this life,
to offer our partner,
our family and friends.
And we slowly die within.

So yes, this may seem like I just said you need to be selfish in relationship and put yourself in front of EVERYONE else,
and I did say that.
It’s true.
You will never be able to fill the needs of those you love if your vessel is empty.
You must put self- care first.
and in open relationship,
this is understood and honored.
We best honor and love our primary partners and all relationships in our lives when we take care of self in all area’s first.
Now, don’t let this statement lead you to believe that open relationship is about partners demanding things left and right without care to anyone else’s feelings or needs.
Only a self- centered person does that.
And self-centeredness and selfishness are vastly different things.

No, in open relationship the partners discuss needs,
discuss ideas on how to best support each other,
and know that in order to remain deeply rooted in each other and keep their relationship primary,
that they MUST set healthy guidelines, boundaries and agreements in place and honor them.
They know the importance of setting aside time for connection daily and weekly with each other,
keeping the relationship that they claim as a primary,
just that…
PRIMARY FOCUS.
but they do so by honoring themselves as well and speaking their needs and desires. Understanding that sometimes their partner cannot give them what they want or need in that moment.

Yes, open relationship equals difficult, real, raw conversations.
Open relationship means a willingness to see and hear your partners truth and know that you cannot always be the one to support them the way they need.
Open relationship understands that intimacy and vulnerability, truth and answers are not always pleasing or easy to step into.
But that it is what is needed if we truly love someone.
Unconditionally.

Today I ask you to look at your relationship,
no matter the label you identify with.
I ask you to look at your relationship and ask yourself these simple questions,

“Am I making my primary relationship, primary? And how am I doing this?”

“Am I acting out of fear and control in my relationship, or am I offering authentic unconditional love and support?”

“Do I feel that my partner owes me anything or is responsible for my feelings? If so how is this serving either of us or our relationship?”

And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Want to learn about opening up in relationship or want to keep it monogamous but practice the conversations and relating skills of an open relationship? Message me today for deet’s on 1:1 coaching opportunities.

 

The Avalanche of Negative Momentum in Relationship – How to Cope?

Have you noticed that a lot of challenges and upsets in your relationship happens because of one person’s sensitivity to what is being said or what they “think” they are hearing?
 
And have you noticed that after you have been with someone for a bit,
that is feels like when you get into a confrontation that there is no bottom to how deep and dark you can take it?
That there seem’s to be no bottom to the level of pain that you may venture into,
or the memories that you can come up with?
 
And it all feels so nasty, does’nt it?
It feels so real.
 
Arguing is never a fun thing in relationship.
Especially in our most intimate relationships.
 
But what causes this?
And how can we more consciously deal with this negative momentum that occurs in our fighting?
 
First, its important to relaize that it is NOT a reflection of who you are,
or who your partner is,
or what your relationship is.
 
Its just a vibrational discord that is occuring.
Its a reflection of your energies not being aligned in that moment.
 
And one of the best things you can do it to speak just that.
And state that it is JUST A MOMENT.
That it is a moment of imbalance.
 
It has no permancy to it.
Realize that you are both making too much of it.
That with all the beauty,
all the blessings that you have in life,
that what you should be doing is feeling just that,
BLESSED.
 
But, don’t get caught up in the judgement of this realization.
Remember that compassion heals,
judgement harms.
 
Recognize what is happening in compassion,
be easy on yourself and your partner.
 
And, then remember that there is momentum in your energy that is moving you along like this,
Realize that this event that you are standing in right now,
is NOT from RIGHT NOW.
It has been building up momentum for some time,
it is residual momentum in your energy.
Just something triggered it.
 
Even though you may be feeling like you got blindsided by this dorment momentum,
that it’s okay.
 
Know that your vibration is where you last left it.
Meaning that just because this event is happening,
does not mean that you have to fall prey to your old vibrational ways of dealing with it.
 
You are being offered the opportunity to move forward with new eye’s as to how you wish to position yourself and where you want to go with your energy.
 
If you lean back into all those old memories that will so easily fester themselves up right now,
or you ponder all the times he/she said/did…
then you are now contributing to the momentum.
 
Leaning into ease and letting go of the energy,
you may feel strange or even fearful,
you may feel like you are jumping out of a plane without a parachute,
however the reverse is you fighting for your point,
and increasing the momentum of what you do not want.
 
Feeling insecure.
Self- judgement.
Self- Blame.
Feeling inconsiderate to each other.
And the list goes on and on endlessly.
 
As I am sure you have expereinced a few times in relationship fighting.
 
Instead try speaking this:
 
” I love you too much and I love me to much, I love us to much to continue this negative momentum.”
 
This statement offers zero judgement about the momentum or where it came from.
 
Its all accurate and real,
you are not making up the imbalance,
you are now just not adding to it.
 
You can want for whatever you are wnating for.
It is good and healthy to want.
The only thing you need to embrace is that in order for you to have what you are wnating for,
you must be a match to it,
and you cannot expect or demand another human being to act or be any particular way to get you what you want.
Or to make you happy.
Otherwise, this is making them a conditional lover.
Which makes your relationship one of need instead of love.
 
Instead when you step away from being conditional lovers/partners,
 
you now take responsibility for your own happiness.
You can say to your partner that you love them,
but that you are not going to act or do something just to appease them,
or to sooth their emotional state of being.
You can let go of the riegns of responsibility of what they are thinking or feeling and encourage them that this is thier moment to self-sooth.
Knowing that this is empowering to them and to you.
And even though there may not be any reaction changes,
you can stand at more peace because you are being authentic and in alignment whith your TRUTH,
verses being a conditional lover.
 
Think about it,
all relationships are the same.
In every relationship there is a dominant person and a submissive person,
and this can work well for many things,
it is also looked at as the masculine and the feminine,
we need the polarities in relationship to have attraction and desire,
but these poles can be abused.
And often are out of the name of love.
but when we access that poyant reality of who we all are,
children of God,
then we must also realize that the most loving thing in relationship is to accept and honor,
that no one is your boss and you are not the boss of anyone.
 
This concept of I own you.
I posess you.
Because I love you.
Is abuse of the word love.
It is not of the heart and soul,
but of the ego and fear.
Thus pulls us out of alignment and consistnetly builds and triggers such negative momentum as we have been speaking of here.
 
Realize that when you are looking for some sort of behaviour shift that what you are doing is trying to be the boss of your partner.
 
So instead of letting the momentum carry you to actually screaming these things at each other,
pause and say…
 
” I love you too much and I love me to much, I love us to much to continue this negative momentum.”
 
And PAUSE!
 
Yes pause.
This is the space to go your seperate ways,
to reflect and breathe,
to refocus yourself from fear and back into love.
 
This is also you putting the most important relationship back at center stage in your life,
that being the relationship with self and God.
It must be paramount.
And if you can make this relationship of the highest importance,
then your partner will follow,
because you will be in alignment and you will be magnetic in your ways,
acting and speaking out of love once again.
 
And this is where you move from.
A higher vibrational acting point.
 
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Looking for moree clarity and tools as to how transform your relationship of now into the relationship of your dreams?
Message me about privtae coaching strategies that show you the way.

I View All My Clients As Lovers.

It is frequently assumed that I go on many dates with many men..

It is assumed that to be a coach who teaches people how to have more, and deeper better sex that I must be loose or easy to bed.

That sex is something I am addicted too even.

Its often assumed that because I am the mother of seven that I am uncontrollable and quenchless in my thirst for sex or orgasm.

People often say to me,
” you would think that a sex coach would have figured out what causes pregnancy by now.”

Many look at me with horrified questioning eyes as they inquire if I will have any more children or why I am not currently married.

The assumptions roll through thier minds and almost escape thier lips.

Perhaps even you dear reader and follower wonder and question.
Perhaps you are among the assumers.
And I want you to know that I thank you.
I thank you for all that you feel.
All that you think.
And all that you sometimes goofily share in your assumptions.

I see your humanness.
And I do not judge it.
As you judge me.

I know what my truth is.
I know whom I love.
I know that my heart,
My message and my calling is felt and seen by those it is meant for.

Not everyone can be like a taco as my best friend would say.
And even though I may have a body part that resembles,
I am still not a taco.

I write this musing this evening to shed the light on how we judge what we do not understand.
How we cast stones with certainty,
But are enraged when they are thrown back without due reason in our opinion.

Today I share with you from a place I choose to call the labyrinth of mirrors.

This is the place where we can choose to see ourselves in ALL we come in contact with on our life journey,
Or we can turn away from them,
Look downward and become lost in the maze of our own fears and self criticism.

What do you choose my sweet human?
To be judge and jury to all in your life
And that you meet on your path.

Or to be human.
To be human means to be compassionate.
To self and to others.
To know that we do not know what anothers shoes are like.
What the path they have traveled took them through.
To be human means that you stand as witness not judge.
And to witness another is one of the greatest gifts we can ever offer.
To allow ourselves to be witnessed is the next.

Just yesterday I was working with a dear client of mine. This man has love streaming from every energy fiber he has. And yet he struggles with allowing himself the simple pleasure of recieving that love back.

I left him with the words,
” One day I hope you give me the gift of you allowing yourself to recieve my love.”

Now that statement may instantly bring up assumptions and judgments in you about me.
Or my coaching practice.
What does Kendal do with her clients?
Is she in romantic relations with them.

And you can assume.
You can judge.
And you can cast your head down and keep stubling through your maze.

Be my guest.

What I can tell you is that each day it is revealed and I am reminded of the deep intimacy I hold with these souls that are labled my clients.

They are not my clients.
They are my lovers.
I love each of them deeply.
Men.
Women.
Couples.
The intimacy, vulnerability, rawness and depth that they trust me with is without messure one of the greatest gifts of this life time for me.

And yes….
I love my clients.
I love them for thier willingness to stop bouncing off the walls of thier maze and instead to sit still and let them selves be revealed through the mirrors that are presented on thier path.

I love them for thier courage to catch thier inner judge and jury and fire them daily,
While loving themselves at a more intense level.

I love them for the tender moments that they give grace…
TO THEMSELVES.

I love them for the humor and laughter as they learn how to skip through thier errors and self defeating patterns.

Yes they are my lovers.
And I love them for the blessings that they are.

Now back to that dating thing….
I have dated a few men in my time.
And I have dated many at the same time.
But the men of my current…
The men I choose daily.
These men you may or may never meet…
Some can be captured in picture.
Others in story.

More than one?
Yes in deed.

And does it matter whom they are to you?
Well lets just see if you have been listening.
The judge.
The jury.
They have your answer.

But the mirror will never lie.

As Always My Loves,
Stop Existing & Start Living
Coaching for Grown A*s Believers

 

Accessing the Light Of Your Desire.

I woke with a hunger.
My sex was on fire and I knew what I needed.
I rolled over, spread my legs and moaned a sigh of desire.
Here my turn on was,
igniting me in this moment,
making me yearn for something deeper.
Yes deeper in my sex,
but deeper in my life as well.
A feeling of fear moved through my body and I could feel myself leaning toward contraction of all this yumminess.
As I pondered the sensations,
the hunger,
the cravings and creatve juices of what was birthing from this ignition,
I also feared loosing all that I had created.
Could I survive my turn on?
Could my relationships survive my turn on?
Could the life that I had created thus far survive,
and if so how would all be transformed?
 
This is the agony of turn on.
We touch on it at moments in our life and as we feel its heat upon our flesh and in our hearts,
we fear its power.
Our power.
And question if we can survive accessing a deeper level of who we truly are.
The majority of people choose safety and mediocrety.
They step back from the flames of their SOUL ignited and they choose to ignore it.
To just maybe crack the door to their soul but a hair, so they can see its radiant light flickering through the crack,
but not enough to actual feel its essence in their lives.
 
This is the SOUL.
The soul is that of fire and freedom.
It longs to have ignition.
The oxygen of the soul is the revival of turn on and when we allow ourselves a moment to breathe into our truth,
when we ask why we are settling for so much less sthan what we know is possible,
we wake up the coals of this desire.
Each inquiry of our hearts,
each questioning of our happiness,
each moment we look a little deeper is a stoking of the fire that is hungry to be seen again.
To breathe into life.
 
The only question remains,
“Will you open to your hungers or will you hide once more form them?”
 
The hiding comes through the fear of loss,
the fear of being left alone in your fire,
and being forced to sacrifice all that you have come to love and have.
 
The truth is,
all that you love and have come to have is not stagnet energy.
It moves with time and space and in our effort to try and keep it just as it is,
we squash its life and potential as well as our own.
If what we love and have is meant to be and in alignment to our SOUL,
our heart and truth,
then it will transform with us,
embracing our desires and needs and all that we are revealing,
and if it is not of soul alignment then it must move into a new dimension of relationship with us and that may feel like its ending.
 
Is there ANYTHING in this life that is truly worthy of you stepping away from your power and truth?
 
And if you say yes to this question,
then if it is truly worthy of your sacrifice of YOU,
then would it demand this of you?
And if so , is that love?
 
When we love,
truly love,
we want for the best of another.
When we love,
truly love ourselves,
we understand that we must stand in our power and want for the best for ourselves.
We must not hide our flames of desire,
we must not squelch our turn on.
Because it is this turned on desire for life,
for joy,
for love,
for sex,
for play, connection, revealing, and truth.
That is the ignition of our empowerment.
 
A candle cannot burn when in a closed container.
Yet you may believe that yours can.
Are you living life with this idea?
Are you living in fear of you rturn on and squelching your pleasure, your truth, your power?
 
Or ar eyou asking another to live in this state with the concept that if they loved you,
if they understood your fears and pain that they would just live in a constainer?
The container that you deem safe.
 
This is a year of change.
It is a year of EMPOWERMENT my love,
and you may claim that you want fo rit,
that you want for love and freedom,
but I question if you can truly handle it.
I ask you today to sit with your fear.
To ask yourself if your fear is worth you not living truely YOU.
 
 
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
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Message me for full deet’s on this VIP 6 -week opportunity to work 1:1 with me and make 2020 a Year of Me!
Start of 2020 and activiating your Yes year to You by saying YES to this potent opportunity today.

Stop Lieing To Yourself- You Are Poly-monogomish FOREVER!

Poly-monogomish FOREVER!
Can’t help it.
Just the way I am wired.
This identification does not mean that I won’t be monogamous.
It does not mean I will cheat or get bored.
It does not mean that I believe I need more
or are unhappy in anyway.
It simply means that I love relationship.
Value intimacy.
And stand firm with my integrity.

It means that those I choose to be in relationship with hold an eternal and special space in my heart.
That if my soul leads me to engage in any fashion,
To explore another being however called too,
That I embrace this pull and understand that it is perfect and meant to be, without question.

Many believe that to be polyamorous means that you desire sex with multiples.
That you are dating and being physically intimate with many.
But what polyamorous truly means is to have love and to embrace love and relationship with more than one.
Anyone who has more that one child,
Has more than one friend,
Loves both parents,
And all thier siblings,
Is engaging in a polyamorous loving.

Many years ago a dear friend of mine looked at me and said,
” You are living a polyamorous lifestyle in everyway but your sex. Perhaps you should explore it.”

His words rang so very true to my core.
And he was accurate in his view.
So I ventured onto the sexual path of polyamory and all it could intale.

Now this is not a personal share of the romance, sexing and relations of multiple lovers.
Its also not a share on how amazing polyamory is or how fucked up it can be.

But it is a share on acceptance.
On embracing who you are at your core regardless of what the norms of society say they should be.
Its a post on knowing yourself enough to allow your own happiness to flow.
And to even ASK for it.

Its a share based on living authentically.
In integrity.
And not just using these words because they feel good or make you sound like an awakened soul.
No.
But to actually LIVE by them.

Yes what I share here is about living in conscious surrender to your HAPPINESS.

And to communicate your needs.
To communicate where you are at in any relationship.
Its a share about what loving self and having self respect really means.
Its a share about your truth.
Its about you not wanting to accept that you are polyamorous just like me.
The only difference is your lack in comfort to speak what you want.
What you need.
What you desire.
And your unwillingness to see WHO YOU ARE.
Living blind to all the love that you give.
To all the people that you care about.
That you are in relationship with.
Or that you wish to someday be.

Yes I am poly- monogamous ALWAYS.
I am polyamorous in my life in all ways.
Those seen and those only felt.
I make a decision in moments of my relationship experience to be monogamous or not.
But the S-E-X,
the sex never has anything to do with it.
Outside of a desire to connect, be seen, or enjoy self or another at a more raw level.
Its never about the orgasm.
Its always about the love.
The connection.
The happiness.

And the greatest happiness and deepest connection comes from integrity.

Integrity with self.
With God.
And with others.

The ultimate self love and respect as well comes from this place of not hiding.
Not story telling.
But breathing in ones own TRUTH.

And when we can do this.
We can also elevate our relationships.
Our love.
Our sex.
Our understanding.

As Always
Stop Existing & Start Living
Coaching for Grown A*s Believers

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