There I was sitting on my bed naked with my morning cup of coffee when he said it….
I know what he was saying was to be a compliment.
I know that what he meant was that I was amazing and that he loved me.
I logically understand.
But that’s not how it translated after it got grabbed up by a wound from my past.
Okay so let me explain about what I am saying here.
You see in my house we have this thing,
and you simply never know where these conversations will go,
nor how they will get stirred up and be birthed either.
It is drastically different each day.
after some decent sexing,
I found my lover and I in bed,
I was naked drinking my morning cup of coffee,
I opened my phone and saw something on all the pedphillia conversations that are currently bouncing around. It struck a chord with me instantly and I shared with him my utter disgust and anger on the concept that pedaphillia should be accepted as a representation of love. I showed him an image that is being put up in Denver, Colorado right now of a rainbow background and silhouette of a man and small child that might be four years at best chasing butterflies, the image says,
” Pedophiles are people too. Because Love is Love.”
My share to him on this topic was that yeah, pedophiles are people too, but having sexual feelings or engagement toward a child, especially a small child is not love and that a child does not have the emotional/mental or physical maturity to understand. These “people” are stealing not just the innocents of our children but actually causing emotional/mental and physical damage to the child.
And that sure AF is not okay and is NOT love.
After that conversation and agreement on the topic, I told him I needed to get to work and write a musing for the day and that my topic was going to be,
“My boyfriend would be perceived a sex addict if he was dating someone else…”
To this he smiled at me and said,
“If you were with you, you would be a sex addict too.”
And this is where it all went dark folks.
In his compliment he unknowingly triggered an old wound.
Now an average and normal woman would have said something coy, kicked the statement out without too much attention, or done whatever she could to change topics if she were triggered,
but not I…..
took a deep breath and allowed myself to feel the trigger.
To feel this wound that just got scratched.
I looked at the wound,
identified that it was not in current and that he had no ill will in his statement.
However, the truth was it triggered me.
And I did not want to spend my day retracted from him or life in general with this trigger and wound playing tennis in my psyche.
So I spoke up.
“That was a triggering statement you just made.”
And then I shared why.
I shared that four years prior when I was in an open relationship,
I found myself in a threesome with my primary two lovers,
who’s intent was to create a yummie experience one day for me where they would both ravish me and we would play and enjoy one another.
However my ex got so excited he did not apply the time or attention needed to my physical body that I needed him to take.
Even though I was highly turned on,
my physical being was not caught up to my mental and emotional turn on for the experience.
And he quickly grabbed a glass dildo with no lube on it and penetrated me with it,
unfortunately it was rough at entry and because I was not organically lubricated yet it tore the delicate skin of my vaginal lining,
leaving me feeling torn and burning for days to come.
He did not take much time going down on me as he was too excited about the whole event and penetrated me quickly after removing the glass dildo.
His hast and excitement level created the scenario of him being a two pump chump in this moment,
and he came so quickly that I barely even knew what had happened.
He then looked at me and said,
“If you were not so hot I could withhold it better.”
Again, I believe that his intent was to compliment,
but what he actually was doing was blaming me,
making me responsible for his inability to last,
to be in control of his body,
his thoughts and feelings,
his sexual energy.
And he tossed his power over to me and made me responsible.
My feeling after hearing this was,
” I need to not be me.”
I felt like if I did not moan that way,
if I was not playful like I am,
If my body did not look like this,
If I was not open the way I am,
Then he would be able to stay with me longer,
last longer and I too could engage in pleasure in these moments.
It was my fault that my partner has premature ejaculation issues.
Fast forward to current moment and my partner telling me that if I was with me, I would be a sex addict too….
This too speaks that I am responsible for my partners thoughts, actions, desires, habits, feelings, etc.
He is not responsible.
He is innocent and cannot help himself.
It’s my fault for being me the way that i am that causes the issues,
So what should I do if I am not okay with an issue?
Well I need to shut my shit down.
I need to not be as turned on.
I need to guard my moans.
I need to go limp.
I need to not engage in sex.
I need to not dress this way or that.
I need to not be as playful.
I need to change myself so that he can handle being around me.
But THIS is not what men want their women to do in truth.
And most men don’t actually believe that it’s the woman’s fault that they have weak stamina or high turn on.
Not fully that is.
They do however blame her to a degree,
just like she takes responsibility.
It’s because of how we were raised.
Girls are told from a young age that we are responsible for how boys look at us.
How they speak to us.
That if we wear yoga pants then we are at fault for a guy thinking things or desiring things.
If a girl or woman gets raped or any sexual harassment then its her fault typically because she was asking for it based on her looks, choice in clothes, attitude, playfulness, how she blinked or smiled, etc.
And guys are told that,
“Boys will be boys and that they cannot help it.”
This all steals one’s individual power from them.
Men become disempowered by escaping responsibility for their own consciousness or lack thereof, their feelings, desires and actions, they get to turn away from and hand the reins of power over to the woman.
Women lose their power by believing this responsibility transfer and shutting themselves down, changing who they are so to not cause issues.
I believe that Namaste Moore puts its so well,
And her statement is true for ALL subjects of our life.
“People who are not conscious about their OWN power will always sound the alarm about other people’s power. People who recognize their own power… understand that no one has power over them and they have power over no one else. Freedom.”
It’s easy to see the truth in this statement when we look at some of the political and world topics of current,
But can you see its truth in our sexing and relationships as well.
Because it’s there too.
In owning that we get triggered,
In speaking up about what is stirring in us as to prevent separation from self and thus another and life,
We reclaim our power.
In pausing on our words and asking ourselves,
“Is this a statement of love or of fear?”
In looking at what our words are actually speaking,
Because often we try to compliment but in truth a transfer of our power to another is happening.
And when these transfers in power happen we create chaos in our relationships,
In communication we thus create contrast that feels uncomfortable because we are not consciously processing and taking responsibility for our own inner shadow lands.
Today look at your relationships.
Look at your sexing.
Look at your expectations and desires.
And ask yourself if you are owning your power or handing it over to someone else?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn how you can claim your power and have a turned on life and relationship?
Reach out to me today for deet’s on couples or individual coaching now.
IT TAKES COURAGE TO HAVE AN AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP.
I have this belief that ALL…
Yes ALL people who are in an intimate relationship with another need to go through the inquiry and inner work as well and relating work that those who have successful open relationships do.
I believe that no matter how you label your relationship,
that you should explore authentic relating for what it really means.
Most monogamous couples “think” they know each other.
“Think” they love each other unconditionally.
“Think” they are best friends and trust each other.
“Think” they are doing it right and will have success.
Most people who decide to open up their relationships choose to do so at a low period in their primary relationship and “think” that opening up will fix something.
“Think” that you can just overnight shift gears and that this thing called inner work and couples work to set agreements, learn each other and communicate are not needed.
That you can go zero to 100 overnight so to speak.
Both cases are detrimental to the relationship.
And it’s because the number one issue in relationships is communication.
And I am sure you may be among the many who believes that you communicate well with your partner.
You may think that you got this fully taken care of ,
but I ask you, is this true?
98% of couples that I have worked with over the last 15+ years come in telling me that they are good if not great communicators,
that their partner is their bestie and they can tell them anything.
But not three sessions into coaching and the truth is discovered.
They suck at communication.
Because they keep it at a surface level.
There is no depth in relating.
And if they touch on depth,
it causes confrontation,
triggers old wounds and fears,
and both parties end up dancing in their ego’s and speaking from their pain bodies instead of their heart centers.
So they avoid it.
They shut their truth down,
they tell their partners a softer version or nothing at all,
and they hide the best they can from themselves for as long as they can as to not rock the perfect picture of a loving connected relationship that they are wanting to paint.
When the hard fact is that they have challenges.
It takes courage to speak up in a relationship.
It takes courage to be real in a relationship.
It takes courage to listen without trying to change, control or freak out about what might be being shared in a relationship.
It takes courage to remain stable inside yourself when living authentically with another.
And it takes courage to be raw and real with yourself so you can do all the above.
But f-ck is it worth it,
just like you are worth it and so is your relationship.
You see, if you are among the many who are not operating at this level of authentic relationship but desire open communication, unconditional love, acceptance, honesty and truth in the relationship and from your partner,
then how is it ever going to be possible if you live hiding from yourself and basing your feelings and actions in fear of losing your partner?
If you are making your partner responsible for your happiness and worthiness then how can they ever just be themselves and state their truth to you?
If you are holding expectations as to what they need to do, how they need to act then how can they share their truth with you about anything that may pose a difficult conversation? And how is this unconditional love?
If you define yourself based on your relationship,
which simply means you are not strong in WHO YOU ARE,
then how can you be truthful with another?
To be authentic, truthful and honest with another you first must KNOW YOURSELF and be strong at your core so you are not rocked by another.
Remember that humans are fickle.
We ebb and flow,
we all are live waves in our feelings, emotions, thoughts and that we get caught in our wounds as well as our desires.
In authentic relating we understand that
there is your business,
there is my business,
and there is God’s business,
and that we each are ONLY RESPONSIBLE for one of those.
Anything else is sticking our noses where they are not needed.
The most unconditional loving person is the person who knows themselves, loves themselves first, and can embrace their shadow self as well as their glorious light.
They know their worth and it is not dependent on any outside source.
This is a person who can love deeply and unconditionally.
This is a person who can truly be honest and real.
This is a person who is self-empowered and therefore has the ability to allow for their partner to grow, to speak, to change.
As it is so intended.
relationships need to evolve over time.
This means that both parties need to do the same.
Expecting ourselves, our partners or the relationship to remain the same,
causes stagnation to our individual growth and the evolution of our love and relationships.
This is the coward’s path.
And it typically results in two things:
It takes courage to relate authentically.
It takes courage to relate in unconditional love.
It takes courage to catch our control issues in a relationship.
It takes courage to see our fear based actions, feelings and thoughts for what they are… fear of our own inadequacies, fear of our worthiness and lack of value, the lack of personal acceptance cast onto our partner, and fear of abandonment.
But when we stand in courage and face our truth,
love ourselves through our fears,
we open the gates to deep, penetrative love and acceptance with our partner.
THIS is what we all crave and desire.
You are worthy of this beauty.
You are worthy of this sort of love.
Offer it to yourself and your partner today,
by starting with seeing YOURSELF authentically and leaning into those difficult conversations.
Reach out to me if you want information on how to go about just this and more.
Learn authentic relating no matter your relationship title to create an evolved loving relationship that fits your soul’s path now.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
THEY ARE CALLED YOUR EMOTIONS FOR A REASON.
Truth Bomb Here.
Are you like most of the world that believe that others are responsible for your emotional state,
for the feelings that YOU are having about any subject in your life?
Or are you self-aware enough and proactive enough to understand that they are YOUR emotions, meaning that YOU and only you are responsible for them.
No one else can make you feel any way.
You get to choose how you feel about something.
You get to choose how you react to something.
This is by far one of the most challenging things to grasp in life,
We are taught that we need to act, speak and even think through everything in ways to not harm or cause anyone else to feel bad.
We are told that we are not good enough,
that we are too much,
that we are RESPONSIBLE for how others feel about themselves,
about situations and how they perceive us.
to a degree we are responsible.
Our actions and words most certainly can trigger other’s into a negative or positive spiral.
Our actions do contribute to how we are perceived.
But we are not solely responsible for another’s feels, views or perceptions.
We each have an ability to be proactive in our thinking,
which leads to us being proactive in our feeling,
and to pause before we assume anything.
Becoming self-aware means to become authentic with self.
It means that we are willing to get real and raw with ourselves, and to acknowledge that anothers words or actions have only triggered an old program or wound,
and once triggered that we are now feeling this old emotion as though it is current.
The insecurities that we hold about ourselves,
the hatred that we have for ourselves,
the self- judgement, and shame…
All of these play a role in our emotions that can get triggered by an event or person.
But these internal landscapes that we all have,
are not another’s responsibility to cautiously thread through.
It is each of our own responsibility to self and to our lives,
to do the deep personal work to heal and become aware of.
If we do not do our own inner work,
then we are destined to walk through life feeling disempowered,
feeling a victim,
not understood and always attacked.
We will continue to view life as though we have no control and point fingers in blame at those we love,
at life experiences,
our governments, churches, schools, work.
However, when we choose to get real with self,
to practice self- love, healthy boundaries, knowing our desire’s, speaking our truth and RELEASING OURSELVES from the responsibility of everyone else’s feelings,
as well as taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and actions,
we become EMPOWERED.
By doing this, we walk through life with less shame, guilt, blame, judgement on self or others and we approach life from a healthier state of relating.
We can now speak in confidence our needs,
state clearly our yes and no and also accept another’s
without falling into an old wound or fear and needing to control an outcome.
We release the world and especially our loved one’s from the driver’s seat of our lives.
They are called your emotions for a reason.
They are all your’s.
And when we had them over to someone else,
we hold an expectation that the other person will and “should” always put us before them.
And if they do not,
then we are hurt and feel as though they do not love us, that they are selfish and heartless,
that we are not safe with them.
When in fact,
what we are asking for by turning over our power to another,
by making them responsible for our emotions is what is self-centered.
And if the other does always hold us before them,
guarding us and never letting us feel any uncomfort,
then what they are doing is hiding themselves from us.
The relationship is NOT authentic.
We have successfully required this other person, to mute themselves, change who they are, pretend at all cost and hide from us and themselves,
so that we can feel secure.
How is this love?
How is this respect?
How is this authentic relating?
Life is a risk.
24/7 you risk if you are breathing.
It’s an illusion.
Love is risky.
And you can choose to lean into it and enjoy its bliss however long it lasts,
or you can shut it down and try and control it so that you can live in a mirage for however long it lasts.
One allows for growth and truth.
The other, causes bitterness and wounds that may never get repaired between people.
Which do you choose?
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn how you can move into a truly authentic, loving relationship and heal the wounds of your past so you can have a F-ck Yes life and relationship?
Message me today for deet’s on global and local coaching now.
“CBD lovin’, anti-vaxxing, interracial family, sexually open and confident, slutty AF some may say, freedom focused, excepting of all.”
THIS is my lifestyle tagline.
THIS is my family tagline.
THIS is my belief’s tagline.
And why would this be my tag line?
Because I believe in freedom of speach, love, sex, religion,choices in life and believe that no matter who you are, ( race, religion, polical views, sex, sexual preferences, economic standing or other) that WE ARE ALL WORTHY.
Worthy of what you may ask?
Worthy of living.
Not just existing.
Worthy of all the things stated above.
Worthy of having our own opinions.
Worthy of not being shamed or stoned by others ideas, judgements, opinions or fears.
Worthy of just being us.
Many disagree with me on many topics.
And the thing that comes through the most in the conversations and debates is a desire to shush me.
To the point that recently I was multiple times told that I was a bad citizen for my views, that I was not compassionate and did not care for others, that I was a horrible human being, that I should shut up, and that if I get sick to not waste the medical systems time but to just die at home.
All of these statements came because of a disagreement in ideas and beliefs.
Differences of views.
All of these stones thrown had the strong feeling of wanting to shame, control and silence what did not align to their beliefs and views of current.
And as I read through comments of over a hundred plus,
I found myself sitting in gratitude for these individuals’ truth shares.
I am not a person that has an issue with seeing things differently then the masses,
differently then my lover, my child or my friend.
And I know that my views on life are a far cry from average and ordinary.
And it is beautiful to me that we humans are so diverse in our desires, our feelings and beliefs.
It’s what makes us each so unique.
But typically we deeply fear what is not like us.
What is not common or what we perceive as normal.
Our fear makes us want to eradicate whatever is not perceived the same as us.
And this has been our human nature forever.
The reason I do not lay claim to a religion is because religion is a prime example of this belief structure that there is ONLY ONE WAY.
I believe that we are all truly children of God no matter our race, belief, sex or preferences.
I believe that the creator moves through us all.
And that our differences are revealing how diverse God truly is.
I believe that “made in his image” does not refer to our race, sex or other but is actaully speaking of the energy, the life and consciousness, the love that resides in all of us.
I believe that we are each here to learn from one another and that one of our biggest life lessons is to learn to love our differences.
The only way that we can ever do this though is to learn to love ourselves at a deep level first.
To strip ourselves from this concept that we are here to please others ideas, views or beliefs about us.
Self-love comes from seeing our light and darkness and making peace with them both.
Self- love comes from knowing our own value.
Self- love comes from respecting ourselves enough to not sway to the worlds ideas and perceptions, nor to just give up ourselves because we make another uncomfortable with our views and beliefs.
Self- love is mandatory if we are to ever have true unconditional love for any other human as well.
And compassion can only come when we have it for ourselves first.
Same for any positive characteristic that we value such as respect or understanding.
If we believe that we are responsible for everyone elses everything and they for our feelings, fears and hopes then all we are showing is our lack of clarity within who we are.
To have understanding,
we need to listen,
we need to inquire,
we need to learn to breathe and not be so reactive,
jumping to conclusions.
We need to realize that this person that we want to have understand us,
desires the same.
The majority of our fights in our world and in our own homes comes about because we suck at communication skills.
And the ones listed above are the highlighted ones that need attention from all of us.
The radical conversations that are traveling around the world right now are just highlighting the true poison that resides within each of our lives.
It is fear.
And it is fear of differences more than anything else.
And so we run around pointing fingers and laying blame on everyone who thinks differently or looks differently proclaiming that we love unconditionally, stating that we are wanting peace, freedom, well being for all but continuing the blame game as we spew out our hatred and lack of toleration or desire to understand our fellow human beings.
All the while believing that we love ourselves and that is why we are fighting and hating.
When we speak such poison as some of the things I have heard the last few weeks it saddens my soul at how many people truly are lost within themselves and hold so much anger and hatred.
When we can get to a point where we can agree to disagree and still love our fellow human despite the difference,
then we will be in a place where we can heal and make true change in our world as well as in our communities and home.
But this will only happen when we can learn to love ourselves deeply. To look within ourselves and love all our flaws, all our sins, all our wounds as well as our beauty.
we will remain lost and hateful.
To all our beautiful differences.
Be the change, start loving unconditionally today, ‘starting with yourself.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn more about self-love practices that can transform your reality from average and ordinary to a F-ck Yes Life? Message me today.
“I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”
Maybe I have commitment issues some would say,
and I have been told this from past lovers.
They were convinced that because I refused to be labeled,
because I refused to DTR ( define the relationship) that I was not good with commitment.
They could not just accept my looks of love and desire for what they were.
They could not accept the sweet and tender vulnerable moments shared for what they were,
They could not just go with the passion shared and the hours and days or even weeks spent enthralled with each other.
No, they wanted the MF LABEL.
And for some reason, the label is what made everything real.
Not the actual effing relationship that was presenting itself each day, each moment.
No, they could not trust that.
They needed the words spoken,
just how they wanted to hear them too mind you,
for it to actually be real.
Nothing mattered but the label.
And because I am a person who understands what labels are actually about,
I have a really tough time getting down with defining any relationship for that matter.
And here is why.
You see labels and definitions of relationships have NOTHING to do with love or commitment for that matter.
They don’t have anything to do with trust either,
and they are not offering any more security for either party as well.
What they do is allow us to compartmentalize the relationship, cause separation because now we segregate this relationship from the rest of our lives.
Labels allow us to define what the relationship “should” look and feel like. How it “should” play out and what the expectations are within the pretty little box that we have put it into allows for.
Labels are often asked for because one party or both are wanting validation for their existence and level of importance in the relationship.
This validation gives a false sense of security.
Which makes the partners feel safe and believe that NOW since the relationship has been properly defined that neither party will step out of the box that it has been filed in.
And that is what DTR is all about folks.
Validation of self through another, false security and control.
Because with this DTR what we are wanting is the safety ultimately of knowing ( well believing) that our partner is now “OUR PROPERTY” as defined by the label provided.
And of course they are down with abiding by the rules of this definition.
Funny little note, most people just assume that other people’s definitions and rules of the label are exactly what their own are and never stop to discuss these important things with the person that they are trying to do a relationship with and get a label on.
In my opinion,
(and maybe…. just maybe… I have worked with just a few couples over the last few decades) that one of the major reasons so many couples are not satisfied or in full alignment with their partner is because they miss this vitally important conversation on the front side.
The conversation around, “Why do you do relationships? And what are your needs/desires/expectations within a relationship?”
Can you imagine if we started having these inquiries between ourselves and our lovers?
And what if….
what if our lovers answered authentically.
OMFG! That would be amazing.
But often because so many have limited worth and self- esteem issues,
they find themselves needing to feel safe through the validation of their partner instead and therefore answer accordingly to get the result that they want from their partner instead of being truthful and having a truly intimate conversation around their differences.
All relationships at some point come to a place where the definition sorta just manifests organically.
But it is an energy that a couple will grow into as time and depth in the relationship is established,
not some words stated because partners feel pressure from what they have been told is important to ask for come date three or month six, or whatever the f-ck timeline you are working on.
If you are among the many people out there that feels that need the label to lean and trust more,
or to not have your jealousy anymore,
or to be able to be more vulnerable or intimate with your partner,
and believes that the label is a sign of love,
then you truly need to explore what your definition of love really is about.
And ask yourself if this label is truly what you are wanting or if you are actually requesting to set up agreements with your partner as to what your relationship rules are and are not.
Then ask yourself how this desire to label and set up these tidy little box homes for your relationship to get cramped in is actually serving the relationship or your supposed love for this other person?
What if you became extremely present with your partner and chose to focus on all their good traits each time you were together?
What if instead of fearing them doing something that might destroy the relationship, you chose to commit to look for how well they are showing up in it right now and how much beauty you are enjoying with them right now?
What if you opted to actually practice authentic unconditional love with them and just wanted to enjoy them in all their radiance because your desire for them was to be that person who can hold loving space without a need to contain their soul and own them?
What if you chose to just allow them to be them and you to be you?
What if you choose consciously to come into the relationship each new day as though it was a new relationship that you were excited and appreciative of?
What if you started to define your relationship by saying,
” I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”
Can you imagine how much more depth, love, compassion, witnessing, love, trust, and joy would come through your partner and the relationship?
Or continue on your path,
you know the one.
The one that has you believing that controlling your partner and defining your relationship and owning them as property in any f-cking fashion is LOVE.
And enjoy all the trauma that creates and the broken expectations and pain.
Because that is the result when we attempt to control the human spirit and not allow others to live authentically.
Not to mention,
When we do this it is only supporting our fear and at our core we feel the out of alignment that is caused with God and our soul.
Level Up Your Love Now.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to level up your relationship or learn more on authentic relating skills that can rekindle, ignite and bring average relationships into Enlightened?
Reach out to me about my Passion Coaching for Couples Program today.
Hi, I am Kendal’s P-ssy….
I have a story to share with you.
It is my personal tale of a p-ssies struggles and come back to love and orgasm.
When Kendal was a small girl,
she discovered me. She loved to explore me and learn all about me in the shower and it felt wonderful.
We were so bonded and comfortable with each other,
and as Kendal grew and became a young adult,
she could hear me speaking to her about everything that I felt was good for us. She listened to some of my words and sought to help me have some of my desires,
but then one day Kendaal met a young man that I absolutely adored.
This young man knew how to treat Kendal.
He looked at her with eye full of love,
he touched her skin with the same adoration.
And months down the road she allowed him to touch me too.
It was an exciting day.
I can still feel those first touches.
I had never been seen by a boy before like this,
I had never been allowed to be touched by anyone other than Kendal until now,
and here he was.
Loving on me.
I grew so hungry for the boy to do more than just touch me,
but he was respecting Kendal and wanted to move slowly.
And let me tell you,
He moved slowly.
It took him a year to finally make sweet love to us,
and when he did,
He remained in us for hours.
Rubbing, touching, kissing and sucking.
It was a loving moment and I felt so free and open.
I never wanted to part ways with this young man,
and Kendal was so happy,
so full of sexual light.
They shared dreams and ideas of the future,
talked as though thousands of years would go by with them together.
I was so excited about the endless possibilities of what they were discussing.
But one day,
the boy changed his mind.
He decided that he needed to venture out into the world without us. He kissed Kendal goodbye after lunch and vanished without a word.
Kendal cried for months,
she felt so lost and in agony over this relationship.
She became upset with me too in the process and blamed me for the pain that her heart was feeling.
So she distanced herself from me,
she did not touch me.
She did not want to have anyone else touch me.
She felt trapped in her surroundings and lost at her core.
A few months went by and all she could think of was escaping the world that she was existing in.
She met a man a decade older than her,
she could tell he had eyes for her and that is all that mattered.
She knew he was her ticket out of this mess that she was in.
And so she acted quickly and offered us up a tribute to the man,
she moaned and screamed, scratched and acted like I was enjoying it, acted like she was into it,
but I was not.
I felt saddened at her actions.
Before I knew it, the man had proposed to her and she said yes,
I was lost at why she would do this when she did not have the feeling in her heart for him,
and I was not on board with the idea,
yet she said yes.
And years went by.
We had children,
and I kept being offered up for tribute,
to keep life normal and “happy” as she always said.
She believed that this is what adulting was about and that it just was.
She told us that the joy and love we shared with the boy so many years before was a fluke and that I needed to accept that we were not here to enjoy the sex anymore,
that we were here to have babies, make her husband happy and carry on.
And so I allowed her to use and abuse us.
But I shut myself down from the possibilities of pleasure,
I could not feel her heart anymore,
all I could feel was her anger and hatred.
Until, one day a man who was a friend of theirs started flirting with her. He grabbed her hand one afternoon and kissed her palm. I got excited.
I began to heat up and throb.
I was screaming, “Do you feel that?”
I wanted her to recognize the look in this man’s eyes.
It was love.
And if she would stop waring with me she could feel the warmth of it at her core.
I was hopeful that this man could reconnect us.
And I pushed for her to do what she never thought possible,
go outside her marriage and tap back into me.
And she did.
And there were some fun adventures,
until that crazy mind of hers kicked back into the driver’s seat and told her to feel shame and guilt,
that her sex did not matter and that she was evil for venturing off and listening to me.
And so she locked us out again.
She blamed us for even more pain and loss in her life.
And we carried on being offered up as tribute to her husband for a decade more.
Over the years I went to work on other aspects of her,
trying to get them to side with me,
trying to get them to connect with me so that we could get her to listen to the fact that she was walking down the wrong path in her life and that the happiness that she craved and desired,
was never going to happen under these conditions of trauma.
And FINALLY I had a breakthrough with her intestines.
We devised a plan that would certainly cause her to pay attention….
One day while at an event with friends,
when she was laughing and masking her pain with alcohol we set our plan into action.
The intestines began to bleed everywhere!
She had white shorts on and was in a crowd of strangers and friends,
it was perfect.
She knew it was not me bleeding from her period,
and she knew it was serious.
It was a sobering moment for Kendal.
We had her attention.
And with some discovery she uncovered that she was now suffering from Crohn’s Disease.
She spent the next few years focusing on her body,
on her health, on her thoughts,
and even though she still ignored me,
she was on the right path to coming back into communication with me and after doing everything that she could to heal,
she came to the conclusion, (thanks to me who made sure to kick Crohn’s into high gear after sex frequently) that there was alink between her sex, her p-ssy (me) and the disease.
And so she went back to her roots,
she went back to what the boy from so many years before had taught her,
to thier conversations about sex, body and soul.
And she realized that what she needed was sexual healing.
That all these years she had been living in her sexual shadow,
disconnected from who she really was and her desires,
disconnected from your intuition, her GPS (ME).
And one day she went to her husband and told him her discovery only to be told that she was crazy.
But, she was done with the pain and suffering.
She was done with feeling lost and moody.
She was done with pleasureless sex,
limited connection and not being happy in her life.
She was sick and tired of not living.
And she told her husband, “too bad, I am doing it anyway.”
And she did.
And it was amazing.
She started the very next week by connecting with a tantra coach, and she dug in deep quickly and did the emotional and psychological work that he offered her to remove the wounds and trauma and move past them, she did the physical release work to let the tension go from the body, and from me.
And she started to feel herself again.
She started to appreciate me again.
She started to love me again and feed me again with touch,
and then on day she decided that it was time to let me play some and she ventured out and found a man,
a man that looked at her the way that I like,
and she listened to me and they had beautiful intimate, healing moments,
and he opened her up to hearing me even more and feeling me more and deeper,
and from there she found more lovers for me,
and I felt loved and appreciated, full.
But all stories have some down points, right?
And so does mine.
One day Kendal did not listen like she should to me and she disregarded my screaming that we were in a bad situation,
and without notice a male client of hers attacked her in her office and forced himself on her,
and into us.
He had his way and she felt paraylzed in the moment during and directly following. He tossed $600 down on her limp body on the floor and said,
“Thank you for making me feel like a man.”
She wept and hid herself.
Blaming me again,
if I had not taken her down this path,
then perhaps this trauma would not have been,
she should have stayed safe,
but here she was.
And disconnected we were again.
It took her some time,
it took her some convincing from a few wonderful men that loved her deeply,
but she finally came back around and allowed me my voice again.
From there we have had many struggles in our communication,
we have made some wrong turns but we have many more right then wrong.
She has learned the value of my voice,
and when the old wounds sprout up from nowhere she sees them.
She desires to remain in connection with me,
and together we work at our loving relationship daily.
Today, I am happy with my journey.
I am happy with my life.
I feel the disconnect that her and I have,
as does she,
but our desire is the same.
To open and connect me fully back up to her heart where I belong,
so that we each can reap the wonderful rewards of pleasure and juicy intimacy again.
There have been so many moments through the years that Kendal and I have shared touching the big toe of God in our sex, feeling the bliss of an emotional orgasm as tears pour from her eye’s and I pulsate and vibrate in rapture, and swallowing up our lover to the depth of the earths core.
These moments are what I crave as a p-ssy.
These moments are only possible when I am connected to her heart,
and feel that she loves me and herself fully.
These moments can only occur when she is listening to me and letting guide her to the lovers that are at one with us,
and this is what makes me happy.
This is what all p-ssies in the world crave and desire for happiness.
Ladies of the world…
are you listening to her?
She has a message for you,
she wants to connect and open your heart.
Your p-ssy is your guidance, your intuition and knowing.
It is time that you reconnect and stop blaming and fearing her.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn more about how you as a woman can tap back into your female GPS and power? To live a life of rapture and truth? Message me for deet’s on just how to do this.
Bob Marley once said:
“You may not be her first,
her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,
and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh,
cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart.
So don’t hurt her,
don’t change her,
don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
And he was a wise man in his lyrics.
The Jamaican artist who grew up on the concept of One Love,
and to love without fear,
spoke the truth in his words about loving a woman,
but his words ring true in general.
His words on love are words that we could all gain wisdom from when looking at relationships in general.
Can you imagine a world where we spoke our truth.
Where we told our feelings without expectation,
where we related because that is what humans do…
Can you imagine a world where love was not based on what you can do for me,
or I for you,
but on the actual feeling of love.
Can you imagine a world where love was not captivated and crucified at every upset in the day,
a world where loving each other was normal and not judged or shamed,
can you imagine a world where we each had respect for self,
compassion for self,
love for self,
and thus could freely offer the same to another.
Can you imagine a world where saying “I love you” did not bear with it the weight of marriage, commitment of a lifetime, legal documents or looks of concern.
Can you imagine being loved just for being you?
This is the love that Marley was speaking of.
This is the message that we all need to hear,
and this morning as I sit here and am blessed with the words,
“I love you.”
I feel called to share the importance that they actually hold.
I love you is a statement of acceptance.
A statement of respect and care,
I love you means that I do not want to control you,
that I appreciate you JUST AS YOU ARE.
I love you means that I am not expecting anything in return,
there are no conditions,
there are no rules or obligations,
I love you means that I SEE YOU.
JUST AS YOU ARE.
And when these words are uttered,
they should not hold the reins on our heart,
they should not be spoken in shame or in fear,
but instead be words that frees our soul.
I love you means that I love me too.
Because I could not feel this feeling,
pure and authentically,
if you were not mirroring the love that I feel for self.
That is what it is a message of.
When we feel deep love for another,
without control or possession of any sort,
without jealousy or fear of losing,
we are feeling true love.
And true love can only emerge when we feel the same for self.
Others that we feel this radiance for,
ignite the truth of our souls,
allow us to embrace our bigness,
our beauty, and truth.
When love is authentic and not based in need,
It is a sign of who we really are.
And at our cores,
WE ARE LOVE.
We taste it juiciness.
We bathe in its sweetness,
We dance freely in its light,
and we expand within its breath.
Without love life is empty.
And with false love,
control masked as such,
we hunger to hold on,
we fear its loss,
we hand over our power to whomever we deem our point of focus,
and lose who we are.
To love someone…
You may not be the first person to love them,
or the last,
not even the only one.
They have loved before,
they will love again,
But if they are loving you now,
What else matters?
They are not perfect – you aren’t either,
and the two of you may never have the perfect relationship together, no matter its label,
but if they make you smile and laugh,
cause you to think twice,
and admit to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto that love and give it the most you have.
They may not be thinking of you every moment of the day,
but that love will open you to your life,
that love will offer you something special,
something that you must respect, — your truth.
So don’t judge and shame your love,
don’t try and change it,
don’t analyze and
don’t expect more than what is shown.
Smile when you are happy,
let your feelings be known, even when mad,
let your words and actions be authentic.
Love with your whole being when you receive love,
Know that it is available at any moment,
it is your truth,
there is no such thing as perfect,
but there will always be love,
and it is all that matters.
How are you penetrating your life,
this world with your love?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
You were born worthy of so much more than what you are allowing right now.
It is time that you say YES to you.
Join me in a 4 week 1:1 mastermind intensive to learn the 7 keys to creating the life of your dreams no matter the chaos of the world.
Message me for deet’s now before the special ends on May 3rd, 2020.
You say that you could never do open relationship.
That you find it wrong and not natural.
You think it could never work and that it isn’t aligned with real intimate relationships.
You point to moral objections within your religious doctrines
Yet, you don’t see where you are already living and loving this way!
You are already in an open relationship baby!!!
Relationships are abound in our world. I’m guessing that you are in relationship with more than just one person in your life and most likely even have intimate emotional connections with more than one person in your life.
Sure, you might not be having sex with anyone else in your world but sex does not always equal intimacy.
I bet you have deep conversations and moments with other friends and family. Moments of sincere appreciation and vulnerability.
(If you don’t then that’s a whole other conversation and some intense coaching)
Are you telling me you aren’t intimate with anyone else?
Are you telling me that you don’t have an intimate relationship with God ?
God has set us free to have intimacy with others but you stand there claiming to desire to mirror God’s love…. preaching spirituality… and yet you don’t think it’s okay to set your partner free.
True freedom is giving your partner a chance to reject you! That is true love. That is true freedom. That is true openness.
Take your friends. Or your kids.
Do you just have one?
Do you restrict your love for one because of another?
Or do you just take the relationship with one for what it is and still love and connect with the other in a different way?
Or does it come down to you verbalizing that you want your partner to have freedom
But really you are ultimately holding jealousy and a desire to control in your heart.
Keeping your heart un-Godlike
Wanting to control their sex.
Wanting to control their feelings.
Wanting to control their ability to feel intimacy and connection.
By holding onto your partners sex you are chaining them in their growth process. Our sex is a driving force in our lives and is a creative force. By holding your partners sex down you are holding their growth as a human being down. Shutting down their ability to experience themselves and the world at a new depth.
Take is from me… every lover provides something juicy yet different.
It is a learning about self.
It is a learning about my spirit.
It is a learning about energy and connection.
By controlling your partners sex you are placing a collar around them as a person.
Real love comes when you give your partner the ability to follow their heart and are trusting that your connection is strong enough that they will come back to you.
That is real love.
Just like God is always trying to woo us and love us… but at the same time has given us the ultimate open relationship.
We have full freewill to reject
We have full freewill to have other relationships
Because there is a faith that the love is strong enough that we will always return.
God didn’t want puppets and yet you stand their trying to create puppets in your own life and using your faith as an excuse.
Open relationships are a very personal decision.
And they aren’t for everyone.
But I ask you to look at the true reasons that it isn’t for you.
Get to the heart of the matter and get real with self.
Because hiding behind false reasons isn’t helping you to expand and grow, nor is it helping your partner.
Love, light, & blessings,
Learn more from Addison HERE